The Top Mop-Top Flops on The Boob Tube

By Andrew Blumetti

Remember Dutch Boy Paint?  Travel down any hardware store aisle, and that lovable lil’ scamp with the rosy cheeks and sunshine-colored locks will be smiling right back at you, dripping yellow paintbrush in hand, begging for a home on your living room walls.

For a company actually based out of Ohio, that’s a pretty adorable idea, and boy howdy, it sold buckets of the stuff.  One couldn’t be blamed to think it would make sense that the same look would translate well in other areas of marketing, right?  Throw some shaggy blonde hair on a chihuahua and maybe that bilingual Taco Bell dog would still be around.  Maybe the GEICO cavemen would’ve been easier to stomach if they popped a little peroxide on that noggin.

Surprisingly enough, Tinsletown never felt the same way.  Case in point:  the 20th Century epidemic of irrelevant WASP-y sitcom children who forgettably graced our television sets.

Follow the yellow-haired road:

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1. Jonathan Bower (Who’s The Boss?) played by Danny Pintauro

According to IMDB, he was on all 196 episodes of the series, and I can’t remember anything significant he did in any of them.  That Danza was really an attention hog, wasn’t he?

Honestly it’s more shocking that show ran that long.  To think we watched Mona decompose for eight seasons is borderline terrifying.

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2. Andrew “Andy” Keaton (Family Ties) played by Brian Bonsall

Now, there’s clearly some bias here, seeing as how the character and I share the same first name.  Despite that, this impish pre-turd loses major points for trying to steal the irrelevant thunder from Nick and Skippy, two already established characters who proudly claimed that throne for years before this punk came around.  Respect your elders Andy.

For more recent news on Bonsall, check your local police blotter, as the now throat-tattooed former child actor was arrested for attacking a friend with a wooden stool.  You can bet Skippy is faring much better.

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3. Mark Taylor (Home Improvement) played by Taran Noah Smith

Remember when Mark Taylor broke Tim’s wrench?  Or when he was tricked to think he was adopted?  Or the time he went to the mall, went on a Hot Topic shopping spree, bought some guyliner and turned all goth on us?

Nope?  Me neither.  Because there were already two other floppy spaghetti-haired runts on the show already.  The quota was already reached, and Mark ended up being the biggest tool on the show.

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4. Seven (Married… with Children) played by Shane Sweet

A classic case of subtraction by addition.  A hated character who the writers at least had the brains to quickly write off the show…  and leave us with more air time for shim neighbor Marcy, who would’ve turned full-on into a man, had the show ran a couple more seasons.  The actual film, Seven, didn’t have that ugly of an ending.

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5. Ben Seaver (Growing Pains) played by Jeremy Miller

See:  #1.

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6. Nicky and Alex Katsopolis (Full House) played by Dylan and Blake Tuomy-Wilhoit

When you’re on a show with Dave Coulier and you’re still the most annoying blonde, you’re doing something wrong.  Cut. It. Out!

It seems odd that two parents, neither of whom were blonde, gave birth to these two hay-haired Hitler-youths.  Come to think of it, there was only one cute blonde on this show, and it was Comet, the golden retriever.  Between you and me, I bet Blake was the primadonna of the two.

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7. Cousin Oliver (The Brady Bunch) played by Robbie Rist

One of the quintessential examples of shark jumping… literally.  Cousin Oliver (The Brady Bunch’s unwanted answer to The Partridge Family’s already unwanted Ricky) was another child in a show filled with already too many children.  His look-  a dwarfy John Denver with serial killer potential who probably smelled like corn chips, never resonated with American viewing audiences.

Clearly, you gotta earn your way into those nine squares.

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8. Elroy Jetson (The Jetsons)

Confession time.  I actually can’t say I’ve ever watched an episode of the futuristic family spacecom, The Jetsons, so it may not be fair for me to pick on this animated little extra-terrestrial ragamuffin who dresses like he’s sporting a Oktoberfest costume from the Party City bargain bin.

On the other hand, this kid has those evil squirrel eyes  …and he looks like he’s from Switzerland  …and why he wears a wrist watch in space is beyond me.

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Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Humor, Pop Culture, Retro, Television

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