Fifty Shades of Grated Cheese

By Andrew Blumetti

The Earth is made up of 71% water.

Of the remaining 29% of the Earth, nearly all humans inhabit only 4% of it.

Of that 4% of person-filled land, half of it is filled with men.

As a spokesman for all of the 3.5 billion men taking up 2% of this green and blue rock’s surface, I’ll say it- We didn’t, still don’t, and will never get the Fifty Shades of Grey thing.

In my opinion, if it’s not Green Eggs and Ham, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, or anything written by Don Rickles, it just ain’t worth reading.

I don’t know what it is about trashy novels, but that book is still all the rage nowadays with anyone with two X-chromosomes and some free time to read.  We can only assume blonde mimbo/bird magnet, Fabio, is a bit peeved he didn’t make his grandiose comeback on novel’s cover for oogling eyes to oogle.

Despite our male head scratching, it’s British author, E.L. James, who is laughing all the way to the bank.  Much like Twilight, The Hunger Games, or Harry Potter, the Shades series will be an upcoming multi-part film adaptation that will have all the merit of an afternoon Lifetime movie or the God-awful Sutter Home commercials that run during it.

Well, we will have to leave the mediocre writing to James, as I can’t tell you the first thing about trashy novels– they just never took up residence in my wheelhouse.

…Although, that wouldn’t really bring us anywhere, and to quote the philosophical brain of Andy Dwyer from Parks and Recreation, “The show must go wrong.”

So, ladies, being the eternal giver I am, prepare to have your fancy tickled… tickled big time.  Throw away your Grey books, put those scampish rugrats to bed early, close the shutters, pour yourselves some wine, and kick back for the tastiest read of the year.

My gift to you:  FIFTY SHADES OF GRATED CHEESE

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1.  “Homer Simpson”

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2.  “Art Alexakis’s Hair”

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3.  “Bert and Ernie”

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4.  “Kirsten Stewart’s Complexion”

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5.  “Tampa Bay Buccaneers Uniforms, circa 1980”


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6.  “The Floor After a Madonna Haircut”

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7.  “Jaundice Spongebob”

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8.  “The Joker’s Face”

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9.  “Hitler’s Ideal Hair Color”

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10.  “The Beard of the Old Guy From Home Alone

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11.  “In Utero Album Color”

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12. “Ku Klux Kheese”

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13.  “Very Paul Hogan”

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14. “Kill Bill Outfit”

———————————————

15.  “Sloppy Candy Corn”

—————————————-

16.  “The Cover of Rage Against the Machine’s Evil Empire

———————————-

17. “Stay Puft”

—————————————

18. “Mr. Blonde”

————————————-

19.  “Devo”

——————————

20.  “Bird’s Eye View of Christina Aguilera”


—————————————-

21. “Extreme Sigur Rós”

———————————

22. “Seasick Big Bird”

——————————————-

23. “Nick Nolte Mugshot”

———————————————-

24.  “Cheesegally Blonde”

———————————————

25.  “Electric Penguin Beak”

————————————

26.  “Racial Harmony”

————————————-

27. “Hulk Hogan’s Skin”

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28.  “Encore at a Coldplay Concert”

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29. “Party On Garth!”

——————————————-

30. “Thom Yorke in the ‘Creep’ Video”

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31.  “Borat’s Suit”

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32.  “The Crowd Shopping at J. Crew”

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33.  “Not Getting in the Apollo Theater”

————————————

34.  “Ozzy Osbourne’s Lunch in the 1980’s”

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35.  “Wu-Tang Clan Logo”

———————————————-

36.  “The Family Circus Kids’ Hair”


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37.  “Day Old Chowder”

—————————————-

38.  “Generic Indian Food”

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39.  “New Jersey Tanning Mom”

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40.  “Every Scene in Fargo

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41. “Leftover Turnip at Thanksgiving”

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42.  “Wigga”

 

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43.  “Fruity-Looking Powdered Wig”

 

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44.  “Michael Jackson, the Post-Molestation Years”

 

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45.  “Offensive Lineman on Every NFL Team”

 

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46.  “Eddie Cheddar”

 

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47.  “Pillsbury Dough Boy, the Sequel”

 

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48.  “Egon’s Hair in The Real Ghostbusters

 

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49.  “Flo from the Progressive Insurance Commercials”

 

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50.  “Gunther Gable Williams”

 

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8 Comments

Filed under Advertising, Books, Comedy, Entertainment, Food, Humor, Pop Culture

8 responses to “Fifty Shades of Grated Cheese

  1. WordsFallFromMyEyes

    You’re hilarious!! 🙂

    I didn’t get the 50 Shades, did not buy or even read a word of it so cannot comment, but this receptionist at work was totally wrapped up in it, reading it at the lunch room tables every break she had. I was not inclined to think “Gee, it must be good” as I’d heard too much negative on it.

    Love your cheeses 🙂

    • Haha, I’d imagine many took on the task just to see if it lived up to that trainwreck status. Not that I did. I swear!

      And thanks! I figured I love cheese so much, I couldn’t resist writing about it!

  2. dangerzonerez

    Oh god. Ok I lied. This. THIS!!!! is my new favorite!

  3. This is SO good -:)! I wrote about fifty shades too, and completely agree with your views -:)!

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