A Kollective List of the Kraziest KISS Krap

By Andrew Blumetti

It’s been infamously said that there’s a few certainties in life:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Shock rock icons/merchandising junkies, KISS, will license their four-letter moniker on any piece of junk they can make a quick buck on.

The makeup-ed four-piece have spent nearly the past 40 years spitting out blood, shooting sparks from their guitars and pulling in massive bucks by hilariously plastering their name on anything a price tag will fit on.  Their legion of dedicated fans, better known as the “KISS Army”, gobbles it all up.  Odd, cause you’d think they’d be spending all their money on their girlfriends or having a life…

To better understand the oncoming KISStastrophy, we need to pull a Silence of the Lambs, and delve into the deepest, darkest, nastiest corners of the human psyche.   It’s time to beat up a Juggalo, steal their black and white face paint, take a dive into the deep end of the “selling out” pool, and share a laugh at some of the most bizarre KISS merchandise ever hit the shelves.

Although, we don’t have to go crank up Destroyer or anything, let’s not go too far here.

1. KISS wine

What?!:  Well, here’s a fun, rarely known fact- if you head to the vineyards in the sun-drenched fields of Tuscany, you’ll bare witness the finest grapes being grown, all just for the hope to one day end up in a bottle with aging rockstars who resemble wrinkly prunes on the label.

Or… the more likely scenario- this is just rotten grape juice with a criminally expensive price tag.

The Score:   3 Paul Stanleys   

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2. KISS shower curtain

What?!?:  There was a chilling scene in the film Arachnophobia that has stuck with me all these years.  An innocent character was showering, while the whole time, unbeknownst to her, a quick-moving, release-your-bowels spider was crawling around the shower walls.  Heebie jeebies at their finest.

The horrifying vulnerability of that scene works so well-  I’m not even scared of spiders, and that freaks me out to no end.  Well, gimme that arachnid any day of the week over turning around and seeing Ace Frehley’s melted candle, California Raisin face staring at me while I’m all sudsy.  Makes the iconic shower attack scene in Psycho seem like a carnival ride.

The Score:   1 Paul Stanley   

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3. KISS lip balm

What?!?:  Just gimme the chapped lips instead.

The Score:  2 Paul Stanleys   

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4. KISS “For Her” perfume/body wash

What?!?:  It’s hard to believe, but they actually bottled up the smell of being past your prime.

Never in the history of mankind has a sane woman said, “Ya know, I really could score a husband only if I smelled like Peter Criss”.

If they sold more than one of these, I’ll eat my shoe.

The Score:  half a Paul Stanley 

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5. KISS M&M’s

What?!?:  A fantastic way to go on a diet.  If the sight of Gene Simmons’ old-fart face headed towards your taste buds doesn’t make you instantly wretch, then there’s no hope for you.

The Score:  3 Paul Stanleys   

——————————————————————————————————————


6. KISS Kasket

What?!?:  Easily the most bizarre item in the vast KISS store inventory.  That sound you’ll hear when you’re six feet under and buried in this rock ‘n roll monstrosity is the sound of the worms laughing at you.

The Score:  4 Paul Stanleys 

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7. KISS soap

What?!?:  I Wanna Wash and Roll All Night!  You can wash off all that face paint with this hideously-colored black bar of soap all day long, but you’ll never truly feel clean.

The Score:  1 and a half Paul Stanleys  

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8. KISS cereal

What?!?:  It’s instantly clear what the KISS wine was for- to make you forget about these.  This is KISS Krunch- perfect for when you run out of Rice Peter Crisspies.  On the plus side, you know your day can only get better from here.

They’re GRRRRRROSS!

The Score:  2 Paul Stanleys 

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9. KISS ketchup

What?!?:  Now seriously, what’s so wrong with Heinz that you need to stoop to this level?  There’s no proper excuse on Earth to use this BBQ ruiner.  Only apply to your burgers and hot dogs if you want to not enjoy them.

The Score:  4 Paul Stanleys   

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10. KISS bike shorts

What?!?:  All I can say is thank God that this picture doesn’t contain an actual KISS fan inside these things.

The Score:  1 and a half Paul Stanleys  

A big thanks to EverythingKiss.com for the info and pictures.

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6 Comments

Filed under Advertising, Comedy, Entertainment, Food, Humor, Music, Pop Culture, Retro

6 responses to “A Kollective List of the Kraziest KISS Krap

  1. Gene Simmons at his best… Making them bucks!
    😉

  2. This is hilarious! Thanks Andrew for making me laugh this morning 🙂

  3. The shower curtain is quite tasteful. It goes well with my doormat that says, “Come Back With a Warrant!” The bike shorts are pushing it though~

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