Wow, My Twitter Account Stinks.

By Andrew Blumetti

bird

That little blue bird is the worst.

When you register for Twitter, the odds are really stacked against you, and that little fat-beaked, blue feathery tormenter is pulling the strings, laughing all the way to the bank.

Talk about fowl

That’s more or less my personal experience with Twitter early on.  Upon first use, it was a bit confusing- it lacked the flash and browser-freezing pizazz of MySpace in its heyday, and the alien layout seemed worlds away from the friendly confines of Zuckerberg land, AKA Facebook.  The logo might as well have been a splotch of white bird poo instead.

But as time went by, living in a fast-paced world of retweets, short character limits, and starting every sentence with the “@” symbol didn’t seem as daunting as it originally did. Hey, if Kevin McCallaster could get used to his creepy torture basement and devil-furnace in Home Alone, then I could, suck it up, grow a beard, be a real man and tweet.

Yeah, we all know it’s the blue bird’s nest, but you’ve laid an egg of a nice little group of fellow social networking friends, and much like a comfy long-worn butt-imprint in the couch cushions, you’ve found yourself a sweet little groove to settle into.

Talk about happy endings…  Maybe all it took was time!   Maybe this Twitterin’ thing ain’t so bad after all.

Then Sydney Leathers came and ruined it all…

In a minor attempt at a self-deprecating tweet, I aimed to poke fun at Anthony Weiner’s texting buddy’s follower number comparing it to my modest amount of 172.  I was expecting a far lower number, then, like a bucket of ice cold water right in the face,  it hit home just how many more followers this faux celebrity had over me.

Let me put it this way, if my Twitter account was feeling like Kid N’ Play’s House Party, stupid Sydney Leathers just called the cops to break up the shindig at the best part.

“What you doin’ Leathers?”

THE BAD NEWSThese D-list celebs are milking their head-scratching 15 minutes of fame, with a shockingly high number of Twitter followers*  that will make you barf, only to feel safe, then barf again.

THE GOOD NEWSBy the time you finish reading this piece, most of their 15 minutes will be well over.

(Shameless plug:  You can find me on Twitter:  @99redblumes)

—————————————

I (somewhat) proudly present to you…

“TWITTER’S 15 MINUTES OF LAME”

————————-

SYDNEY LEATHERS  (@sydneyelainex)

 

Known For:   Somehow being the trashier of the two parties involved in the embarrassing Anthony Weiner scandal. Since her admission that she and the disgraced politician had a “more than friendly” texting relationship, she’s taken lockjaw to her sputtering fifteen minutes of fame and is shamelessly following it into its grave. 

Because there’s no high roads in Weinerville, Leathers bought a one-way ticket to the dump instead– quickly accepting an offer from Vivid Entertainment and embracing her current career as a wannabe adult-film star.

I’ll also save you the Hostel-esque torture of reading her painful Twitter feed: She hates Anthony Weiner.  So much in fact, she mentions him in nearly every tweet and appeared uninvited to confront him at his concession party following his failed New York Mayoral campaign last week.

Plus, her last name is an insult to cows everywhere.

Current Number of Followers:  6,838

Scholarly Tweet:  “Pretty sure breast implants are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” (9/5/13)

—————————————-

AMY FISHER  (@RealAmyFisher

 

Known For:  Being the “Long Island Lolita”- basically the brand name version to the generic Sydney Leathers.  Take a gander, you gander-takers:

1991:   Having an affair with non-heartthrob, Joey Buttafuoco, a man who basically looks like a human version of Zubaz pants, at age 16.

1992:   Shooting Buttafuoco’s then-wife, Mary Jo, in the head at point blank range at her front door, leaving her seriously wounded, as if being married to him wasn’t painful enough.

1993:   Served six years of a 5 to 15 year sentence in prison on charges of “first degree assault”.

2007:   Turned troubled life around and started career as an adult entertainer.

2009:   Signed a deal with Lee Entertainment to become a stripper, doing monthly shows.  Stating she will proudly strip until, her fans say, “Dear, please put your clothes back on. You’re too old.”  Which is so obviously true, it should’ve been done in big giant skywriting.

2013:    Dwarfed me in Twitter followers, but in her defense, she still hasn’t shot anyone else.

Current Number of Followers:  16,361

Scholarly Tweet:  I read today I was a D-list celeb…that is so awsome, D is like 4th in the alphabet…. that’s pretty good… hee hee”  (11/9/11)

——————————————–

KATO KAELIN (@Kato_Kaelin)

 

Known For:  Being the one guy in O.J. Simpson’s Ford Bronco who didn’t murder someone that June evening in 1994, eating McDonald’s with murderers, never having tied a tie in his life, managing to say the word “umm” more times on the witness stand than me trying to order at Starbucks, looking exactly like a guy named Kato Kaelin should look.

“Kato ate THIS MANY of my Chicken McNuggets!”

Current Number of Followers:  2,358

Scholarly Tweet:  “If the saying” u are what u eat” then how come I’m not Chinese?”   (6/12/13)

————————————–

SHIFTY SHELLSHOCK  (@shiftyrocks)  (Spoiler alert:  Shifty most certainly does not rock.)


Known For:  Being the vocalist for early 00’s one-hit wonders, Crazy Town (this band), a sought-after gig that Sinatra could only wish he’d have lived to see, also a career of rehab reality shows that actually had more legs than his career as a musician.   Dr. Drew sends him a fruit basket as thanks every Christmas.

(Blumes Fun Fact:  Back in 2000, Shellshock’s imbecilic “Everyone PLEASE look at me!” appearance created a worldwide eyeroll so big, it actually tilted the Earth off its axis.)

Current Number of Followers:  2,977 (account hasn’t been used in nearly three years)

Scholarly Tweet:  “Just left the Dentist, fun times….”  (4/29/10)

—————————————-

SPENCER PRATT  (@spencerpratt)

 

Known For:  Being the less-talented half of “Speidi”, the ultimate portmanteau of 21st Century incompetence.  Aside from being married to fellow reality television star/socialite/plastic surgery guinea pig, Heidi Montag (of MTV’s The Hills fame), Pratt became infamous for ruffling feathers, frequenting social hotspots where paparazzi could find him, growing the most awkward beard humanly possible, and not having to resort to working in clown dunk tanks at county fairs… yet. 

Current Number of Followers:  979,112    (For a comparison, that’s nearly ONE THIRD of the followers Pope Francis currently has.  I’ll wait a minute so you can get Advil for your headache.)

Scholarly Tweet:  Some people say I’m all washed up. Joke’s on them – I haven’t bathed in weeks”  (2/2/13)

—————————————-

DUSTIN DIAMOND (@dustindiamond)

 

Known For:  Portraying super-geeky Samuel “Screech” Powers on multiple editions of 90’s high-school comedy series, Saved By the Bell.  A squeaky-voiced clod with a terrifying white-guy afro who devolved into more of a bumbling boob-caricature as the series aged.   The scientific term is “Urkeling” his character.

Diamond’s career was truly just a cubic zirconia, as he took a historic header straight down Crap Mountain–  declaring bankruptcy, appearing on a variety of two-bit retread reality shows, failed attempts at music and comedy, along with marital troubles, online harassment, house foreclosure, and a released adult-video.

“Congrats Elizabeth Berkley!  Unless there’s a Showgirls 2, you’re not going to win ‘Most Awkward Career Choice” at the next Saved By the Bell reunion!”

Current Number of Followers:  13,887

Scholarly Tweet:  Sometimes when I’m bored I lay on my kitchen floor and pretend I’m a crumb…”  (7/8/12)

————————–

Blumes note:  Of course this is all in good fun.  In the end, quality reigns over quantity everytime.  I’d take my excellent fellow Tweeters any day of the week over Kato Kaelin’s thousand of nameless cronies.

Heck, at least none of us lived with O.J.  …I hope. 

(*All numbers are accurate as of 9/19/13.)

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28 Comments

Filed under Advertising, Comedy, Entertainment, Humor, Internet, Music, News, Pop Culture, Television

28 responses to “Wow, My Twitter Account Stinks.

  1. Ha ! Great post 🙂 I added you on Twitter.

  2. Very funny–thanks for making us revisit all these forgotten faces from the last few decades. I learned a few new ones too. Just goes to show there appears to be an audience for everyone…and maybe even for regular folks like us??

  3. Pingback: Versatile Blogger Award | About A Girl...

  4. Anja

    Ha….enjoyed this and I will happily be one of your followers….well on twitter. 🙂

  5. Gosh Andrew, how could you forget Danny Bonaduce? (Did I spell that right?) 🙂

  6. My tweety-bird is a young’un. Only am still a week short of my first tweetniversary.
    Went from tweet-novice to tweet-offender in under twenty-four hours of joining.
    Had to kiss the tweety-bird and promise to be good to be allowed back on.
    Still not sure what the rules are… Lots to learn. And as you can probably judge from my comment: it is a bit of a struggle keeping to the word limit 😀

  7. Ah, I loved these highly entertaining 15 minutes of lame, Andrew! Together, they make one funny hour- and-a-half of fun! Once I got over their twitter numbers “that will make you barf, only to feel safe, then barf again.” I had a really enjoyable time and lost a little weight in the process. It’s one of those win/win situations! 😀

    P.S. I also love your tagline! and your really cool header!

    • Haha- that seems like the craziest hour and a half, right?

      Hip hip hooray for win/win situations! Thanks very much for the comment, support, and kind words- it means a lot, and I’m glad you enjoyed!

      -Andrew

  8. You are always hilarious! There is no figuring how these people actually keep getting followers, but I guess to each his/her own. Twitter has been a puzzle to me — I have an account, but use it very little, and can’t figure out what good it is. But, now that I’ve read this post, maybe I’ll give it another go.

    • Thanks very much Becky!

      I appreciate the kind words- it’s always great to see when someone enjoys my goofy writing. Hope your Twittering picks up! I grew to enjoy it more as time went on- hope you do too!

      -Andrew

  9. oh dear god. kato kalein has an account; not that anyone under 25 knows who the hell he is. And what’s up with the washed up B celebs.. with all the followers.
    It’s enough to make one give up social media. Or as you have so adroitly done: make wonderfully sarcastic fun of it.
    Good job!

    • Haha, I know, right Rachael?

      These D-list “celebs” must love a place like Twitter, where they can keep their name slightly out there… for free!

      So, I think us more regular (or “awesome” as I like to say) users are in a better spot because hey, at least we’re not Kato.

      I appreciate the support and the compliments! Much much much appreciated!

      -Andrew

  10. Very funny ;0) I opened a Twitter account months ago and still have yet to go and figure out how to use it!! I’ll add you when I do ;0)

    • Thanks a million Kyrielle!

      Definitely! It took me some time to get used to Twitterville, but it’s not too bad once you get used to it. You’ve definitely got a follower in me!

      I appreciate the kind words on my blog! Thanks again!
      -Andrew

  11. I just followed you on twitter. Us New Jersians have to stick together. I remember Kid and Play!

    • Thanks very much Susan!

      We are officially now Twitter buddies in addition to fellow NJ’ers!

      Haha, Kid N Play has to be remembered more for the hair than their music, right? I can’t imagine how tough it must’ve been for Kid to wear a hat with that eraser hair. He’d have to resort to an Abe Lincoln-ish stove pipe hat at all times, and sadly that just wasn’t in style in the early 90’s…

      Thanks for the comment and the follow!

      -Andrew

  12. Hahah I was so afraid of twitter when I first started, now I can’t get off it!! I love creeping on celebs who have public breakdowns aka Chris Brown/Amanda Bynes/Kanye… and anyone in general! Will follow u now 🙂

    • Absolutely! Those meltdown celebs are really half the fun of Twitter! I’m very happy to be official international Twitter buddies with you! You are actually the first person from Ireland I’ve ever had any kind of correspondence with! Very exciting!

      (I just realized I went super heavy on the exclamation points- sorry… can’t resist… !!”)

  13. WordsFallFromMyEyes

    This is funny, Andrew 🙂

    I had twitter for a short while but it became another stream of cyberspace to check, & took away from writing time, so I ended it.

    I see no reason you shouldn’t get many followers – I love your style 🙂

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