Do You Like The Human Centipede AND Dessert? Then This is The Blog For You!

By Andrew Blumetti

Yes! I finally made it into this goofy blog!

Four fantastic days into October, and I hope your horror movie marathons are up and running just like they are over here.
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Scary movies are an odd sort.  Most are written off by critics as nothing more than shock value garbage.  There are a few of course, that cross that plateau into the land of cinematic legends.  Psycho, AlienNight of the Living DeadThe Silence of the Lambs and The Shining are all examples of that perfect combination of terror, shock, thrills, chills, and the rarest of them all- near universal critical acclaim.
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This is not about those. 
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2010’s Dutch horror sleeper, The Human Centipede (First Sequence), squirmed its way into worldwide cult infamy in all its shining mouth-to-bum glory.
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Delivered to us by writer/director Tom Six, and dubbed, “100% Medically Accurate”, The Human Centipede introduces us to a consistently non-smiling psychotic German surgeon who drugs and traps two vacationing American girls, (who are pretty dumb, even by horror movie standards) and an unlucky Japanese man in his giant creepy surgeon home, complete with a convenient operating room in the basement.

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It’s no holds barred as he proceeds to play out his twisted desire to surgically attach them in the most uncomfortable of positions, via one joined digestive track to create what he titles, “The Human Centipede”, connecting all three of them, you guessed it–  mouth to derrière.  It’s the perfect last first date movie …well if your sweetheart works full-time at a carnival freak show, or if every other movie is out of stock at Blockbuster.

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Wait… there’s Blockbusters still around? I never returned my copy of Kangaroo Jack!

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As a horror film it was crude, vile, slightly brilliant, and mildly offensive to centipedes.  Not to mention, the trailer, with its deletions and re-additions, has pulled in over a combined 25 million views on YouTube.

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Good job you sickies…

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Not one to rest on his stomach-turning laurels, Six revisited the Centipede world, with your mom’s favorite film of 2011, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence).  Originally banned in the UK, Australia and New Zealand upon release, the film called, “100% Medically Inaccurate” was a revolting black-and-white tour de force of depravity, twisted humor, blood and guts, and the crème de la crème– a centipede one dozen people long.  In Six’s irony-free words, the grotesque sequel was created to make the first film “feel like My Little Pony in comparison.

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I don’t know what he’s talking about, this Centipony was SIXTEEN ponies long!

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And because all good things come in threes, 2014 will bring us the long-awaited final piece of the detestable trilogy, The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence), set in a prison, featuring a rumored FIVE HUNDRED PERSON centipede and most horrifyingly of all, starring Eric Roberts.  In an interview with DreadCentral.com, Six gleefully promises the repugnant finale, will “make the last one look like a Disney film.” and “(is) going to upset a lot of people.”

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Pluto- you’re the middle piece of the centipede! You don’t talk anyway!

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Not surprisingly, you probably want to send the kids to bed early before snuggling in with your sweetheart and a freshly-popped bag of popcorn to sit down and enjoy.  The audience for The Human Centipede films are mostly limited to horror hounds, gore lovers, and the kind of people who will peek under their Band-Aid to see how icky the cut on their knee actually is.

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Best part is, if you can keep your lunch down while watching such wretched films, well then you’re gonna have plenty of room for delicious, sweet, sweet dessert.

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Well, unless the baker happens to be a big Centipede fan as well…

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OH FUDGE!

This brownie gem is a creation by Alice Rose Cakes & Cookies, your go-to bakery for all your messed-up surgery baked goods.

Just remember, dragging your feet will ruin your meal.  Better be fast to get some, those who are late to the party end up with the red digestive track to eat.

“PFFFTTT… I wanted ice cream instead!”

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CRAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Hey Alex, I hate to be the one to tell you this… your friends hate you.

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SPEND THIS CHRISTMAS WITH THE HUMAN SANTAPEDE!

Little known fact* In the original rendition of the English Christmas carol, “The Twelve Days of Christmas”, dating back to the 18th Century, there was an extra day penned on to the end of the listed group of days, totaling the amount to its original title, “The Thirteen Days of Christmas”.

After long thought, it was felt that due to the unlucky connotation of the number 13, the day should be dropped, thinning down the song to it’s now classic 12-day roundup, full of gifts of birds and dancing ladies.

Some other historians believe the real reason the song was thinned from its original baker’s dozen was because of this line in the song:

“On the thirteenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…  a gingerbread Human Centipede.”

“We can’t sing that. It’s gross.”

*This fact is total crap.

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GET READY TO TOSS YOUR COOKIES…

I bet these were a pain in the butt to make.

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WHAT A HALF-BAKED IDEA

Upon first glance, you may think these graphic cookies look trashy, but please note the curled-ribbon in the corner.  That makes them fancy.—————————————————————

I’D RATHER BE MUGGED…

You’d be surprised how fast Starbucks ran out of these collector’s mugs.  Don’t be shocked when your coffee tastes like crap though.

“Mary?!? Here’s your tall Carmel Macchiato, extra vanilla, extra steamed milk, served in a mouth-to-butt surgery mug.”

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THIS JUST TAKES THE CAKE!

Straight from the Cake Boss‘s ovens to your taste buds, this cake will make your sweet sixteen even sweeter.

Games to play at this birthday party:

  • “Pin the Tail on the Person You’re Surgically Attached To”
  • “Awkward Musical Chairs”
  • “The Human Centipiñata
  • “Barfo Polo”

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MEET YOUR NEW FAVORITE GIRL SCOUT COOKIE…

 

Quick!  Do the humane thing and put the sad middle and end pieces of this cookiepede out of their misery.

“Five dollars?!? Back when I was a kid, a box of Human Centipede cookies cost a nickel!”

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WELL, THIS STINKS.

To you and me, this may look like the worst cake ever made in the history of mankind, but for a better idea, let’s go to the horse’s mouth and ask Birthday Boy, Mark Mallman, what his thoughts were on this unique cake:

– “I got three bites in before I vomited.  It was the best birthday ever!”

– “The wood was certainly not edible.  I don’t understand why they used wood on a cake.”

– “I thought these were the Rugrats characters, thank God for the ‘Human Centipede Birthday Cake’ label on the cake to clear that up.” 

– “I don’t know why my friends call me by my first AND last name.” 


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WELCOME BACK HOSTESS!

Woody Harrelson’s rough-and-tough character, Tallahassee, braved a nation of flesh-craving, undead cannibals, searching for the simple spongey deliciousness of a Twinkie in the hit comedy, Zombieland.

The tragic fate of this Twinkiepede would surely have brought a tear to ‘ol Tallahassee’s eyes.

“Those poor Twinkies never hurt anyone!”

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AND NOW, HUMAN CENTIPEDE BAKING WITH MARTHA STEWART…

“Hello friends.  Today, we’re going to take a page out of my new cookbook, “Heinous Baking with Martha”, creating everyone’s favorite surgically screwed-up dessert.  If it’s October, then it’s time to fill your home with the sweet aroma of our Human Centipede cupcakes. 

– First, make sure you iron your cloth napkins.  A Human Centipede cupcake on a wrinkled napkin just won’t do.  Don’t forget to polish your silverware as well, if you can see your reflection in it, your guests can see their smile as well.

– A lit candle with the wafting smell of cinnamon will fill your home with an autumnal aroma, a treat for your guests.

Now, we’re going to use a fresh-made buttercream for our Centipede heads.   My secret?  Just a pinch of almond extract will make your mouth-to-tush baked treats the ones all the Trick-or-Treaters want to bite into this All Hallows’ Eve.

Soft Red vine licorice will supply the touching look of dread we’re looking to place on these cupcakes. 

Now, we can’t forget the delicious shared digestive-track, can we?   A simple line of licorice straight through the cake of all three will do the trick.

Place your disgusting doomed treats on a hand-cut ornamental doily, and your ghoulish guests will be smiling all through the night. 

 

Join me next time, as we make my famous fruity Evil Dead blood punch with a garnish of fresh-picked celery stalks.

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22 Comments

Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Food, Halloween, Humor, Movies, Pop Culture

22 responses to “Do You Like The Human Centipede AND Dessert? Then This is The Blog For You!

  1. heyitsbenito

    Reblogged this on A Blog Just About Anything and commented:
    I never been so hungry in my life..

  2. I still can’t bring myself to watch the The Human Centipede… This didn’t help at all. But I would like some cake.

  3. Oh how I would hope to be the first in the line!

  4. Oh no! I thought I was over my fear of centipede scares and then this post shows up…gee whiz.

    Meet me at the party and allow me to share a slice of my Cat Litter cake. If we time things right we can gather round the punch bowl of Evil Dead and watch the ghoulish fools partake of those pickled celery sticks and the Vomit Dip.

    • Haha, I’m sorry, I made sure to not actually show any actual centipedes, that would’ve freaked me out!

      Save me a slice of cat litter cake! That’s my favorite! Meet at the Vomit dip- be there or be square!

  5. I could never bring myself to watch the Human Centipede. I was afraid I would be scarred for life. But I loved this post! 🙂

    • Haha, you know for as gross of an idea as it is, it was actually done relatively tactfully. I was shocked.

      The second film made up for that. It was everything horrid and inappropriate and vile all rolled into an hour and a half.

      Despite all that, if you ever wanna have a marathon, don’t forget to invite me!

      Thanks for the comment!

  6. I think the clever thing about the first Human Centipede is that it plays on your own imagination more than anything else. When it comes down to it, there isn’t much actually shown.

    Btw, I was just quoting this movie the other day 🙂

    “Do you already regret your little escape? In fact, I’m thankful for it, because now… I know definitely you are the middle piece!”

    • Well said!

      Before I wrote this post, I rewatched it last week, and it still surprises me how such a disturbingly vile subject could be done in a relatively tactful manner. Instead of a blood and guts fest (which the second one took care of, and then some), it did a great job of working off not showing too much, and a lot of times, what you imagine is worse than what you could’ve seen.

      That’s a great quote- doesn’t it seem like that actor is barely acting? I heard he didn’t break character on set, and I could imagine him being that uncomfortable to talk to in everyday life.

      Thanks for the feedback- much appreciated!

      -Andrew

      • I totally agree. I didn’t like the second on for the very reasons you just stated.

        If you like Dieter, I suggest seeing him in older sci-fi shows like Lexx. He’s Mantrid and does a very convincing villainous role for the show. I think he’s a brilliant actor and maybe he’s acting in foreign shows/movies that don’t all make it to IMDB? Then again, he is in his 70s and has been acting since the late 60s, so maybe he doesn’t want to do too many things anymore? But at least we’ll see him in The Human Centipede 3 next year. 🙂

  7. Well Andrew, I am proud to say that I have never watched this vile and depraved film/films and never will. You can guess who has watched them though. I do seriously wonder about my daughter – she also watched the Hostel films. So, of course, I get to hear all about them, usually with the disclaimer that goes like this: “Mom, trust me, you will not want to watch this one!” So I do just that. I trust her.
    Having said all that, I did find this post worryingly funny but that is testament to your great writing and sense of humour! I can’t believe that people actually make cakes and cookies based on the movie – yuck!!!
    I do have to say that I thought the Martha Stewart ‘cooking class’ was hilarious.
    Andrew, only you could make me laugh at the expense of such utter grossness 😉

    • Why hello there Sherri-

      Despite your hesitation to view this centipede-ish film, I do appreciate you braving this post!

      Your daughter is doing you a huge favor by saving you from the Hostels of the world. I love ’em, but they’re pretty nasty for sure, and they do nothing to make you not lose your appetite. But once again, she’s got great horror movie taste!

      And again, I really am appreciative of the frequent support and kindness- it means a lot to be able to talk to such friendly and amazing people on here, such as yourself. It makes my day… every day!

      Hope you’re having a great week!
      -Andrew

      • Ha ha! I thought that would impress you! Yes, it is only your stellar blog that would make me even think of reading a post about this film 😉
        You are more than welcome Andrew, and likewise. It’s what blogging community is all about!
        So far so good, hope with you too 🙂

  8. Love this blog! So glad I found it Andrew! My blog has moved, so come visit sometime. 🙂

  9. Human centipede cake. So wrong it’s almost right. I don’t think I will ever watch that movie, my sister told me about it and I thought it was the most fucked up thing I have ever heard.

    • Haha, you know, in the weirdest way, it’s actually as tastefully done as a movie with that messed-up of a plot could be done. Granted, that’s still pretty horrid, but I was expecting worse. The second one took care of that, haha.

      Thanks for the comment, I appreciate it!
      -Andrew

  10. Pingback: FULL MOVIE REVIEW | THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE [FIRST SEQUENCE] | MrHairyBrit - Hairy Man of Youtube

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