St. Patrick’s Greetings From the Most Irish Man on Earth… Shaquille ‘O Neal

By Andrew Blumetti

Top o’ the morning afternoon to ya! 

When your last name could pass for an extra on The Sopranos, this day really tears you up.

Surely, I’ll be the first to admit- green bagels can’t be beat, my Flogging Molly vinyl is spinning like Rob Ford after a weekend blowout, and I’ve already tripled my daily salt intake with corned beef, but let’s call a spade a spade- with a last name that rhymes with spaghetti, “Irish” I could say I’m authentic, but I’m just an ‘o-poster today.

So, instead of hearing jolly tidings of St. Patrick’s joy from me, I’m gonna pass the baton to a man who really knows his way around a pint of Guinness.  Let’s get goofy green with Mr. Ireland himself…  Shaquille O’ Neal.

If you wear a Shaq “Big Shamrock” t-shirt in a bar on March 17, they actually charge you MORE for your beer.

 

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To be sure Nick Nolte doesn’t fall off the wagon into a frosty barrel of green beer, O’ Neal will be spending the weekend with him.  Hours will be spent smacking Nolte with Shaq’s elephant-paw when he gets out of line.

 

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In 1996, Shaq took his movie career even further, playing a magic Irish genie in a bottle.  He’ll grant ye three wishes, but unfortunately, “wishing I hadn’t sat down to watch Kazaam” isn’t one of them.

 

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Before his time playing American basketball, Mr. O’ Neal spent many a year creating beloved tunes of Beautiful Days and Bloody Sundays with his Irish rock brethren, U2.

 

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Here’s Shaq’s time spent with his leprechaun girlfriend.  

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Fun Fact:  If you were to fill Shaq’s massive size-23 shoe with Lucky Charms, it’d require a whole cow and a half to provide the milk. 

 

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Say it with me… Shamrock Shaq. 

 

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Q:  What happens when Shaq scores a lot of baskets? 

A:  The score will be DUBLIN!!!

 

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You hear that new Cranberries album?  PFFFFTTTTT

 
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With no basketball to dribble around, no dunks to dunk and no free throws to miss, it’s time to hit the silver screen again.  Pop your corn and get in line now, Leprechaun 7- coming soon. 

 

Pretty soon…

 

Never.

 

 

So Danny Boy Shaquille- a most happy and merry St. Patty’s to you my Celtic friend.  And to all the readers out there in internet land- Irish and non-Irish alike, may your bagpipes be filled with hot air, may all your Murphys be dropkicked, and may your meats be boiled to a fine bland gray. 

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9 Comments

Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Food, Holiday, Pop Culture, Sports

9 responses to “St. Patrick’s Greetings From the Most Irish Man on Earth… Shaquille ‘O Neal

  1. I had no clue Shaq was so Irish…I really need one of those t-shirts to feel more St. Patricky!

    • You and me both! If I can pull some strings, I think I can get us an invite next year to Shaq’s for a traditional St. Patty’s dinner. The real question is how do you put the mustard on your corned beef at Shaq’s party?

      Simple, you DUNK it.

      (Two points!)

  2. LOL! I’m feeling very Irish myself after that post!

  3. I love the scene in Kazaam when the kid asks for a tonne of junk food and it just rains all the junkiest food that you can imagine. I so wanted to be that kid at that very moment!

    • First- I apologize for the late reply- no awesome Kazaam reference should go untouched for so long! That was a fantastic scene, and you’ve single-handedly inspired me to search eBay for a copy of it! Or at least to search my house like a bloodhound for junkfood.

      Thanks for the comment! Have a great day!

      • Haha! That’s okay. I will be completely honest though in that i’d forgotten all about it.

        Now i want some junk food too…i think the movie is on YouTube.

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