By Andrew Blumetti
You know the old cliched saying– “A picture is worth a thousand words.” Well, if that ‘ol gem rings true, the next couple of weeks oughta be worth two or three dozen, easy.
Here’s an attempt to contribute to the internet being just a bit more time-wasting. It’s time to give the typing a rest for a spell as I proudly present to you the first in a series that shows just what happens when some of your favorite cringe-worthy moments ever put to film meets the most groundbreaking technology of 1992.
It’s time for…
INAPPROPRIATE MOVIE MOMENTS… in Microsoft Paint
Written and illustrated by Andrew
Holy moly on toast, we’re finally here!
Before our mouths start watering for delicious turkeys and the stores become packed to the brim with mistletoe and holly, we still have enough gas in the tank for one last spooky blast on this lovely October 31st.
But… well… did you notice something is a bit different? Call me nuts, but I’ve got that sinking feeling something just doesn’t feel totally right. Kind of like when Urkel’s voice hit puberty and that squeak of his soon morphed into a sound one would best describe as an alley cat vomiting on top another alley cat vomiting on a hobo being run over by a street sweeper playing Nickelback at full volume.
Let’s do a checklist…
Well, that survey is clearly air tight… so why does it feel like something’s simply off this October? Reminds me of when they switched Harleys on Boy Meets World for one episode, not thinking we’d even notice.
Wait a pumpkin pickin’ minute…
EUREKA! Much like Catherine O’Hara finally realizing she left Kevin McCallister at home by himself for Christmas, it’s hit me!
WHERE’S THE FREAKIN’ McRIB?!?
It’s been an oh-so tasty October tradition for years as those McDonald’s golden arches become a bit
more greasy shinier when our collective mouthbuds salivate in all their fast food barbecue-y glory at the sight of this limited-time-menu item.
Never before have sauce-slathered pork, pickles and onions created such a rabid cult following, as rib-heads chase this high-caloric thing around the country as if Jerry Garcia was wailing away on it with his nine-and-a-half fingers.
Usually, the phantom sandwich nestles it’s way into our beating hearts for just a few short delicious weeks, eventually rushing back into hibernation for another agonizing 11-months that we have to live with just stupid regular food.
In 2012, the Mickey-D’s powers-that-be ponderously decided to delay the McRib’s usual autumn release until December, to strengthen a usually slow-sales period, help anticipation grow, and make Santa even fatter.
So far, the porkless wait is excruciating as this fall seems to be following the same test-your-fast food-patience pattern as last year, although according to Facebook’s McRib Locator, this currently flatlined ribless-autumn may finally have a blip of a heartbeat as elusive scattered McRib sightings have started showing up in select states. Hopefully leading into what hopefully will be a full-scale release before year’s end so I won’t have to keep writing weekly angry letters to the Hamburglar.
So, it makes you wonder… with all this newly-found time off, just how has the McRib been spending his downtime this Halloween season?
Lucky for us, the aggressive paparazzi never sleeps a wink, and being the invasive monsters they are, TMZ happened to snap a few pictures of just what happens when mass-produced pork has the time of its McLife.
Strap in folks, things are gonna get saucy …
Have a safe, happy, and sugary Halloween everyone! It’s been a fun month, and a blast to celebrate with all of you. Catch ya in November!
Illustrated by Andrew Blumetti
… What happens when your favorite film ghouls break the bank at Party City?
… How many fun-size Snickers bars can Ghostface fit into his mouth at one time?
… Just HOW many costumes did Jason actually buy this year?
The answers to those questions …AND MORE* will be answered right now in the thrilling* conclusion of what happens when treats and tricks meet your favorite flicks.
* (Probably not too likely…)
* (Again, fat chance that’s true…)
ALIEN QUEEN (Alien) as MILEY CYRUS
THE INFECTED (28 Days Later) as CRAYOLA CRAYONS
GHOSTFACE (Scream) as SURPRISED TAYLOR SWIFT WINNING AN AWARD
THE GOVERNOR (The Walking Dead) as A CANDY CRUSH SAGA BOARD
TARMAN ZOMBIE (The Return of the Living Dead) as KURT COBAIN
KAYAKO SAEKI (The Grudge) as A DALLAS COWBOYS CHEERLEADER
DRACULA (Bram Stoker’s Dracula) as PIZZA
EVIL ED (Fright Night) as AL FROM HOME IMPROVEMENT
OOGIE BOOGIE (The Nightmare Before Christmas) as WOODY FROM TOY STORY
FREDDY KRUEGER (A Nightmare on Elm Street) and JASON VOORHEES (Friday the 13th) as WAYNE AND GARTH