Tricks and Treats and Booklets of Satanists Sacrificing Cats… Oh the Things You’ll Get on Halloween Night.

By Andrew Blumetti

Yes, that classic old story again.

So, it’s November (or as I call it, “Not October”) and alas, Halloween is sadly over.

Back when he donned the eclipse-causing high hair and rat’s-nest-mullet like a first-rate 80’s champ, Jon Bon Jovi may have semi-eloquently declared, “Never say goodbye.”, but Jon, you schmaltzy-optomistic nut, the calendar says we have to.

Oh, don’t worry Bon Jovi, I’m just TEASING you…

Don’t get me wrong, Christmastime has this indescribable feel of childlike wonderment, whimsy, and snow-filled magic, and I cannot wait for the smell of freshly cut evergreens, peppermint and Nat King Cole’s gravely pipes belting out beloved yuletide carols while I spend 45-minutes searching for a parking spot outside Best Buy just to have to deal with the brainless derelicts inside.   Nonetheless, Halloween still holds a special place in my heart which is difficult to recreate no matter how many times I watch Rudolph gleefully reach for the heavens after dreamy doe, Clarice, says that she thinks he’s cute.

I love working on my lawn display, frequenting crowded haunted houses with fellow-ghoul lovin’ friends, and browsing Halloween stores complete with massive lines of shoppers snaking out the door.  And even though the 160+ candy-hungry trick-or-treaters didn’t leave me with an ounce of sugary junk to snack on, it was still a blast and a half.

…but much like that rascally ragamuffin Gary Coleman taught us—  different folks, different strokes…

“What’chu talkin’ ’bout Blumes?”

History Time:

My neighborhood, a small and quiet tree-filled suburb in Northern New Jersey is a safe and delightfully boring little town that has not just one, but two CVS’s and now two 7-11’s.  I’ve had the same neighbors since I can remember, the parking is ample, the lawns are lush and green in the summertime, and everywhere you look, a playful bunny is hopping around freshly-planted vegetable gardens like a delightful children’s book with a well-worn spine.

With a few exceptions, we’ve had very little changeover in the neighbor roll-call over the years–  most of the families are longtime residents who’ve now had their children grow up here and start adorable families of their own.

And I suppose with that kind of boring consistency, you don’t really get around to greeting the new folks as fast as you should when they actually do move in.

Mr. Rogers would be so disappointed in me.  That’s not very neighborly after all. You should really take a few minutes to welcome your neighbor, because who knows?  They could be Kate Upton, they could be your new best friend, or maybe, just maybe, you may want to keep an eye on them cause they could be just a bit odd.

But hey, who amongst us isn’t a little bit?

“Sorry Blumes, maybe next time.”

Well, that fickle little needle on the odd scale went from “a bit” to “Holy crow, it’s Christopher Walken after a dozen Mountain Dews” this past Thursday, October 31st.

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It was an unseasonably mild and relatively overcast Halloween afternoon. The breeze was nearly non-existent, and the weak late-October sun had given the ‘ol college try attempting to dry up the shallow puddles of collected rain that had fallen earlier in the morning.  After the schools were dismissed, my nephew and niece were in the area to do some trick-or-treating with my family to the local neighbors’ houses while I manned the door at home.  As it usually goes with the kiddies, excited spirits and happy feet soon turned to exhausted spirits and fatigued feet, as the joy of a spooktastic day soon began to show its age.  They returned home, and being the generous and giving uncle I am, I volunteered to help “sort out the candy”, which in layman’s terms, means “vulture-pick the kids’ freshly-earned candy stash”.

After laying down some immediate damage to a bag of Reese’s Pieces, I looked down, where amongst the crinkly piles of Butterfinger and gummy bear wrappers, we saw this staring back at us…

Holy moly on toast with jelly, what is this we have here?

My taste buds did a backflip cause- hey, isn’t that one of those Wendy’s coupon books for ten free Frosty ice cream treats?  Oh glorious day!

But no, this find should not be so sweet.

One peek inside, and we were greeting with lecturing, the cornerstone of any fun-filled Halloween.  Which is kind of an odd choice, considering we decided to give out Cheetos, M&M’s and Swedish Fish.

Now, for the record, I don’t have any problem with any kind of religion whatsoever.  My family is Catholic, and whatever floats your boat is cool with me.  I couldn’t care less if someone’s Christian, Jewish, Muslim, or if they pray to photos of Sofia Vergara’s bowling ball-shaped kid from Modern Family.

“BLOOOOMS, don’t you make the jokes on your BLOGGG about HEEEMM!”

All sensitivity aside, and with that being said, this beaut was too unsettling and gaul-darn hilarious to not share with the world, cause man alive, we apparently have some new neighbors who are borderline bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

This is still better than finding Mary Janes in your bag though…

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You may come home, tired from a long night of trick-or-treating, dump out that heavy bag full of sugary candy on the floor and count seven Milky Ways, five Snickers bars and a couple of Dubble Bubbles, but really, how many preachy books of cats about to be sliced up on a pentagrammed-alter do you have?

Not enough, right?

Now I know why there’s no cats around the neighborhood.  …and less cats means more mice… which means LESS CHEESE!!!!   Now they’ve gone too far…

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Twick or tweet! (apparently Satan is on Twitter now)

Just remember, Halloween’s no joke kids.

…except for this one:

-Why did the ghost go to the bar?

For the “boos”.

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Common sense would tell you, being the devil, you wouldn’t need a scary costume, cause ya know, you’re the evilest thing in existence, and the culmination of all the world’s hatred, malevolence, and terror.  Heck, people shell out a pretty penny just to dress like you on Halloween.

…but hey, that Party City coupon for that killer spooky pumpkin costume was just too good to resist.

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Bad news:  Human sacrifices will increase, so you’ll most likely be hacked to bits by guys in scratchy-looking cloaks who moonlight as roadies for Zakk Wylde.

Good news:  You won’t have to sit through another season of The Neighbors.

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Did you know?:  Witchcraft is “exploding” among teens today?  Looks like Bieber Fever is quickly being replaced with “witch itch”.

Blumes note:  Don’t mind that sour drawing of John Favreau.   He’s just bummed cause he blew a first-round pick on Ray Rice for his fantasy football team this year.

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Oh Satan you soulpatched-silly goose, the last time I trusted you, you pranked me by unscrewing the cap on the salt shaker.

Ruined my dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets…

More like TERROR-dactyl!

A Very McRib Halloween!

Written and illustrated by Andrew Blumetti BOOMETTI

Holy moly on toast, we’re finally here!

Before our mouths start watering for delicious turkeys and the stores become packed to the brim with mistletoe and holly, we still have enough gas in the tank for one last spooky blast on this lovely October 31st.

But… well… did you notice something is a bit different?   Call me nuts, but I’ve got that sinking feeling something just doesn’t feel totally right.  Kind of like when Urkel’s voice hit puberty and that squeak of his soon morphed into a sound one would best describe as an alley cat vomiting on top another alley cat vomiting on a hobo being run over by a street sweeper playing Nickelback at full volume.

Let’s do a checklist…

1. Bags of candy are ready for the trick-or-treaters?  CHECK.
2. Is my Halloween display is at full tilt?  CHECK.
3. Have I now eaten all of said bags of candy, leaving the trick-or-treaters crap outta luck?  DOUBLE CHECK.

Well, that survey is clearly air tight… so why does it feel like something’s simply off this October?  Reminds me of when they switched Harleys on Boy Meets World for one episode, not thinking we’d even notice.

“Dear Adam Scott, please get me an autograph from Ron Swanson.“
Thank you,
Original Harley

Wait a pumpkin pickin’ minute…

EUREKA!  Much like Catherine O’Hara finally realizing she left Kevin McCallister at home by himself for Christmas, it’s hit me!

WHERE’S THE FREAKIN’ McRIB?!?

It’s been an oh-so tasty October tradition for years as those McDonald’s golden arches become a bit more greasy shinier when our collective mouthbuds salivate in all their fast food barbecue-y glory at the sight of this limited-time-menu item.

Never before have sauce-slathered pork, pickles and onions created such a rabid cult following, as rib-heads chase this high-caloric thing around the country as if Jerry Garcia was wailing away on it with his nine-and-a-half fingers.

Wait, I’M Jerry Garcia?!?  Man, am I fried! 

Usually, the phantom sandwich nestles it’s way into our beating hearts for just a few short delicious weeks, eventually rushing back into hibernation for another agonizing 11-months that we have to live with just stupid regular food.

In 2012, the Mickey-D’s powers-that-be ponderously decided to delay the McRib’s usual autumn release until December, to strengthen a usually slow-sales period, help anticipation grow, and make Santa even fatter. 

So far, the porkless wait is excruciating as this fall seems to be following the same test-your-fast food-patience pattern as last year, although according to Facebook’s McRib Locator, this currently flatlined ribless-autumn may finally have a blip of a heartbeat as elusive scattered McRib sightings have started showing up in select states. Hopefully leading into what hopefully will be a full-scale release before year’s end so I won’t have to keep writing weekly angry letters to the Hamburglar.

So, it makes you wonder… with all this newly-found time off, just how has the McRib been spending his downtime this Halloween season?

Lucky for us, the aggressive paparazzi never sleeps a wink, and being the invasive monsters they are, TMZ happened to snap a few pictures of just what happens when mass-produced pork has the time of its McLife.

Strap in folks, things are gonna get saucy …

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• You can believe McRib’s shaking in his boots watching things go bump in the night in during a Paranormal Activity marathon…

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• Everyone knows no Halloween season is complete without going all horror punk and blasting some Misfits.
• His playlist:

1. “HyRIB Moments”
2. “Return of the Fries”
3. “We Are 13-Ate”
   

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• One cult following meets another as McRib crossdresses and hits up a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show…

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• The horror!   Ribby’s spilled his Dunkin’ Donuts pumpkin coffee!!

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• Too many Snickers!!   C’mon McRib, lay off the Halloween candy!

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• Finally, no proper Halloween is complete without spookin’ your McDonald’s brethren as the McRib zombie.  Behold… THE WALKING BREAD!!!
  

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Have a safe, happy, and sugary Halloween everyone!  It’s been a fun month, and a blast to celebrate with all of you.  Catch ya in November!

–Andrew

Blumes’s Misleading Halloween Party Playlist

By Andrew Blumetti

Was your Columbus Day party as lame as mine?

Sure, the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria chili dips burned, and the bowl full of 1,492 olives ended up being a colossal waste of money, but your heart was in the right place, wasn’t it?

And how on the face of great, green Planet Earth you were able to get more suckers guests to give you a second chance only a few weeks later for your Halloween shindig makes you think something’s gotta be in the water supply.

But nonetheless, here’s your chance to make things right.  Dim the lights, toss up some icky cobwebs, a few delightfully horrific decorations, a delicious hors d’oeuvres platter of Halloweenies or Zombielamb-chops, and before you know it, folks on both sides of the Mason Dixon line will be waxing poetic about the triumphant haunted hootenanny you threw that fateful evening of October 31st in the year 2013.

Well, not so fast there chief.  Without some quality rump shakin’ tunes, they ain’t gonna be fawning like rabid Justin Bieber fans just yet.  Those fellas didn’t dress up as rootin’ tootin’ cowboys, and those ladies didn’t starve themselves for two weeks and squeeze themselves into skin-tight slutty cop costumes just to stand there in your living room like lazy lumps on a log.

“This party DOESN’T have the right to remain silent!”

Well, take it from me, if you don’t want your gussied-up guests to go stormin’ out the front door before the steaming hot Pieday the 13ths hit the table, certainly don’t pick your songs based solely on title or artist name alone.  It turns ugly, and it turns ugly fast.  

Case in point:  My 2012 party soundtrack…

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TRACK #1:  THE CRANBERRIES- “Zombie”

This might be of Eminem, I cannot fully be sure.  

Listen to it here.

What you expect:  A decrepit hand breaks the cold cemetery soil, as dozens of flesh-hungry dead cannibals rise to their rotting feet, black-tongued and blood-filled mouths, groaning the words, “do you have to let lingerrrrrrrr…”

What you get:  Not nearly as Walking Dead-ish as the title would suggest, this excellent mid-90’s alt rock staple is a protest song surrounding the violence and unrest in Northern Ireland, inspired by the 1993 IRA bombing in Warrington, Cheshire.  Don’t use it at your Halloween party, you’ll look like an insensitive dunce.

Rick and roll!

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TRACK #2:  FRANK SINATRA- “I’ve Got You Under My Skin”

“Hey punk, don’t use my song at your party, or I’ll clean your clock.”

Take a listen here.

What you expect:  Your mind races and your nerves tremble as the padded walls of the nuthouse close in on you faster and faster.  Is your cracking brain playing tricks on you?  Maybe, look at your skin crawl after all– it could be festering bugs laying their eggs, it could be a deadly disease rotting you from the inside out, or it could be a mean prank that wisenhimer Dean Martin played on you when you were using the bathroom.  The line between madness and reality is blurring faster than ‘Ol Blue Eyes’ vision, eight drinks in, at a hotel bar following a Saturday night show.

What you get:  Some feel it’s about the drink, but the popular and direct interpretation of this Sinatra favorite is likely about the all-powerful pull of love and attraction.  That overwhelming feeling when you just can’t get that special person out of your mind and heart.  Just the same way I feel about Pauly Shore.

“I love you too, budddddday.”

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TRACK #3:  FOREIGNER- “Hot Blooded”

“DOWN WITH SLEEVES!”

I guess you could listen to it here.  If you really wanna…

What you expect:  Laying in the cold bed in the harshly-lit infirmary, the soundtrack to your horrific stay is riddled with coughing and phlegm-filled hacking from fellow bedridden sickies.  Your poor head is throbbing like the Dickens, and your blood is on the verge of boiling right there in your freakin’ veins.  Your now pale complexion is drained of all discernible color and each agonizing minute of this agonizing pain feels one step closer to grim death.

What you get:  “A fever of wait… 103°”?!?  Oh for God’s sake.

True, it’s certainly no walk in the park, but that doesn’t necessarily throw you into the depths of certain doom.  It more than likely throws you into a doctor’s office to get some orders to take a few Advil and chug some more liquids.   But you have to pay full price for your office visit because the Obamacare website IS DOWN!!!!   THE HORROR!!!

“STUPID ERROR 404!!!”

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TRACK #4:  CURTIS MAYFIELD- “Freddie’s Dead”

This is how many times Curtis Mayfield’s estate is going to sue me for using his name in this article.

Get down and check it out here.

What you expect:  “One, two, Freddy’s coming for you…” 

You can finally sleep sound as your once-terrorized dreams have become much safer.  Sadistic, striped-sweatered-sleeping slayer, Freddy Krueger, has finally met his maker, as his blood-covered razor-fingers lie next to his putrid, rotting corpse, never to destroy your nightmares again.

He was also mad Curtis Mayfield misspelled his name in the title, but hey, Freddy’s got some anger issues.

What you get:  A song about the death of “Fat Freddie”, a character from 70’s Blaxploitation film, Super Fly (the song appeared on the film’s soundtrack).  That’s what eating at Heart Attack Grill every day will do to ya, Freddie.

“I don’t need you Mayfield, I’ll just make my own song!”

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TRACK #5:  RADIOHEAD- “Creep”

Radiohead is one of my all-time favorites, but this song about the Itsy-Bisty Spider just came off as pretentious.

You don’t belong here, you should be here, listening to this song.

What you expect:  What’s that?   Look outside your window.   Is someone outside?

There’s a full moon out on an icy-cold Halloween eve.  The rustling sounds in the bushes are sending a chill up your spine and making your heart race faster than Miley Cyrus shedding her clothes the second she sees a camera flash.  Is a crazy axe murderer outside?  Maybe a blood-thirsty werewolf?  Terrifying little kids with those orange boxes collecting for UNICEF?!?

What you get:  Oh Thom, you silly goose, you’re not creepy.  We love you, and your lazy-eye, and your weirdo “bacon sizzling in a frying pan” freakout dancing on stage.  False alarm people, false alarm.

Safety tip from Blumes:   Wondering if annoying hipsters have been stalking you from your window?  Look for the empty Pabst Blue Ribbon cans and empty tins of mustache wax littered on the ground. 

“I bought non-perscription glasses with extra-thick frames, just so I could spy on you better.”

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TRACK #6:  CUTTING CREW- “(I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight”

“When we go to the barber, we just say, ‘Gimme whatever semi-modish 80’s hairdo the rest of the band is wearing'”.

Insomniacs rejoice!  Pretend you’re watching a late night “Best Love Song Hits” CD commercial here.

What you expect:  (The closing minutes of a slasher horror movie)– post serial killer attack, lots coughing up blood, gasping for many last breaths, dramatic music, and a final pleading to make it out alive.  Note:  The black guy died early on in the film.  Way to fall into lazy stereotypes, fictional movie that I just made up.

What you get:   Soft rock-   heavy on the soft, light on the rock.  When you’re 45-minutes into a wait at the eye doctor’s office for your semi-annual checkup, reading a wrinkled, old Entertainment Weekly magazine with Ruben Studdard on the cover, this is the ballad that’s likely being played on the radio.  This is the band even Spandau Ballet bullies around while on tour.

“Hey you Cutting Crew fruits, shut up, give us your lunch money and all the crates of mousse that you have.”

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TRACK #7:  THE FUGEES- “Killing Me Softly”

Apparently the ceiling fan was really interesting to stare at.

What you expect:  Under soft candlelight and the comforting crackles of a cozy fireplace, a bewitching murderer cranks up the charm, wining and dining his ill-fated victims seconds before the tapered knife is revealed and the cozy-bearskin rug is horrifically painted with splashes of crimson.

What you get:  A mid-90’s cover of the Roberta Flack hit that the DJ played at our “Class Night” dinner in senior year of high school.  Aside from making me realize that I’m old enough to remember when Pras actually had a career, it’s not really scary.  

Blumes note:  In searching for a picture of Lauryn Hill, the Google search accidentally brought up, “Lauren, Hills”.  This is not Lauryn Hill. 

“I am so Lauryn Hill! Heidi Montag stole my Grammys, and hid them in her shirt!”

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(The remaining tracks apply to any song by these deceptively scary-sounding artists with not-so scary music…)

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TRACK #8:  ANY SONG BY 10,000 MANIACS

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”– George Carlin

Go ahead, be 10,001 right here.

What you expect:  In 1964, a splatter film, Two Thousand Maniacs! was released.  A film “gruesomely stained in blood color!” about Yankee tourists humiliated and hacked to bits by murderous rednecks in the Deep South (the film was remade 40 years later by Robert “Freddy Krueger” Englund” as 2001 Maniacs).  This band must be FIVE TIMES more insane than that!  Scary math!  

What you get:  Nope.  This band should’ve been called, “10,000 White People Who Shop at Banana Republic”, and even then, the math is still very suspect.  And I shop there too.

“Breaking MTV News! Natalie Merchant buys ANOTHER wool jacket!”

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TRACK #9:  ANY SONG BY FINE YOUNG CANNIBALS

FINE. YOUNG. CANNIBALS. —– I basically can find three things wrong with that name.

Don’t drive yourself crazy, relive the 90’s here.

What you expect:  Hannibal Lecter with a Fender Strat and the most bizarre tour rider ever (when he requests an “Arnold Palmer”, you can be sure he’s not talking about the beverage).

What you get:  Probably the most misleading name on this whole list, these 90’s one-hit-wonders conjure up the image of an opening act for Slayer, constantly headbanging and hair-swirling to legions of fans, with beer in their bellies and their tattooed fists in the air.  How many teenagers were forbid from picking up this CD (no doubt in one of these old-fashioned longbox compact disc packages), due to their frightening-sounding name?

More like “Can’t-ibbals”, AMIRIGHT?!?

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TRACK #10:  ANY SONG BY THE KILLERS

Blumes note: The original name of The Killers was “Hans Solo and Three Disinterested Guys“.

You know the drill.

What you expect:  The prison jug band Charles Manson put together.

What you get:  Incredibly popular 21st Century Las Vegas-based alternative band who took their moniker from a New Order video, which may be the least-terrifying way to name your band.   Take it from me and my new band, Blumes Monday, whose new album will be out in 2016.

“I don’t care what The David Berkowitz Trio says, we’re headlining BOTH prison festivals this year- Co-Cell-a, and Jail-apalooza.  I’m not crazy, I’m God.  YOU’RE crazy.”

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TRACK #11:  ANY SONG BY MURDER BY DEATH

Hip-hip-hooray for ½-priced day at Pocket Watches ‘Я Us!

Take a break from all that candy eatin’ and listen here.

What you expect:  Well, basically, the band who’d be opening for Fine Young Cannibals, who are opening for Slayer.   Murder and death in one band name?  Bloody Halloween metal up yo tuckus!

What you get:  This talented Bloomington, Indiana-based indie act, with a highly-deceiving name taken a 1976 Robert Moore whodunit comedy, summons the uncanny sound of folky alt-country, drenched in a whiskey-soaked marriage of Johnny Cash and Nick Cave, all taking place in a haunted 19th-Century saloon.

Actually, maybe this would fit in well, tell me this isn’t the stuff October nightmares are made of…

Johnny Cash says, “Catpy Halloween!“

Mary Jane Candies: The Journey from Plant to Your Garbage Can

By Andrew Blumetti

The most perfectly wrapped cow chips money can buy!

It all starts with an innocent peanut.

Just an ordinary peanut growing in the sun-drenched fields, not much unlike any of the other millions of potential allergy-ruiners that reside on the fertile farmland soil.

It never hurt anyone, never caused a problem, never made a scene, but hey brotha, sometimes, fate just deals you a crap hand, and the next thing you know, you’re being picked up faster than a tequila-filled college sophomore on spring break by a guy in a non-ironic John Deere cap.

From legume to leDOOM!

From there, it’s just a quick slide straight down crap mountain as that simple peanut who was just kicking back on the soil soon endures the fate of an unfortunate Jigsaw victim in Saw IV, V or VI, being roasted, toasted, and grinded into a deliciously gooey paste.

“Hello peanut, I want to play a game.”

Let’s get to seasoning–  toss in some salt, a dash of sweetener, jar it, pop a lid on that sucker and this once fresh peanut, full of potential and possibility, is now part of something bigger and something even more tasty:  your favorite two words, and mine–  peanut butter.

…but with that title comes infinite possibilities or infinite doom:

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Meanwhile, somewhere sweeter…

In a secret lab which just has to be run by old ladies in supportive knee-high hose, sugarcane or sugar beets are getting a once-over of their own, refined and turned into sweet, sticky, syrupy mess, more popularly known as molasses.

You know the stuff.  It’s got the pitch-black color of the heart of a teacher who gives you homework over Christmas break, it’s sweeter than the last three minutes of an episode of Full House, and moves about as fast as a tired sloth full of NyQuil.

“zzzzzzzloth”

Not an item that typically ends up at the top of your shopping list, molasses is oddly enough, the unheralded star of some of your favorite eats.  Without it, certain barbecue sauces, desserts, beers, and rum just wouldn’t have the same taste.  Heck, in a pinch, molasses can even help remove the rust from the hood of your old ’93 Pontiac your weird uncle sold you.

…and about a century ago, this marriage is where things went horribly, horribly wrong.

Just two years after the disastrous sinking of the Titanic, the world was met with another horror, this time one of the candy kind.  In 1914, The Charles N. Miller Company decided to Frankenstein us all, adding peanut butter and molasses together. And much like the destructive giant green monster, sparks flew, wires had gone berserk, everything went awry and this abominable creation was bestowed upon us:

Ladies and gentlemen, the Mary freakin’ Jane.

Later owned by Stark Candy Company and currently by classic confectionery outfit, Necco, this taffy sugar candy has lasted over 100 years.   And with that legacy, comes a timelessness, as that maize and red wrapper signals a generationally-beloved goodie to dispense to adorable, grimey-fingered trick-or-treaters who crowd your doorstep come Halloweentime like packs of salivating wolves waiting to pounce on a raw porterhouse.

well…

hmmm…

“Give us one more Mary Jane, and you’re getting a flaming bag of dog poo on your porch!”

yep…

OF COURSE THEY’RE NOT, THEY STINK.

Simply put, Mary Janes are the scourge of the Halloween candy world.

Yes, I’m talking about you.

If you’ve ever spent weeks picking out that perfect costume and hoofing your tired little feet all over the crunchy leaves of the neighborhood, the sweetest reward is coming back home to dump out your obnoxiously huge bag of hard-earned cavity-makers all over the rug to sort them out like some sort of supreme candy god.

Making piles and separating the goods from the not-so goods, here’s a few of the biggest offenders that will soon find a permanent home in your trashcan or chucked at your sister’s head:

 

• Good & Plenty:  The dreadful licorice candy you can fortunately sell to deadheads as pills.                                            

 

• Non-descript Black and Orange Wrapped Candies:  I’d start gnawing on drywall for survival before I resorted to these.                                       

 

• Bit-O-Honey: The candy that makes bees enjoy stinging us.                               

 

…and in that ill-fated batch of not-so-dandy candy, sits that same lone peanut we started with–  mashed, smashed, and forever bound to molasses, with a one-way ticket to the Island of Misfit Candies.

“Nobody wants a Charlie, Mary Jane in the Box!”

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Wow, that’s pretty harsh, right?  That paints a cold, cold picture.  Maybe even I’ve changed my own mind.

So, this October 31st, when you look in your plastic Halloween pumpkin and are sourly disappointed to see you walked up those steep stairs to a old lady’s mothball-ridden doorstep for a half-squashed Mary Jane instead of a colorful pack of delightful M&M’s, maybe it’s time to do some corn-syruped soul searching…

Just think, maybe this could be your arm!

Perhaps there’s someone out there who will love the sweet journey of that poor peanut.  Perhaps there’s a generation who hears “Mary Jane” and instantly doesn’t associate it with potheads sitting in a drum circle.  Perhaps this is just a textbook case candy ageism, and we should respect our sugared elders, giving them a second chance.  And perhaps come November 1st, an open mind will reward us with our new favorite treat.

And if that’s the case, please send me your address so I can mail all of mine to you, cause those things are gross.

HAPPY SNACKING EVERYONE!

–Andrew

Horror Villains Celebrate Halloween: THE FINALE!!

Illustrated by Andrew Blumetti

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… What happens when your favorite film ghouls break the bank at Party City?

… How many fun-size Snickers bars can Ghostface fit into his mouth at one time?

… Just HOW many costumes did Jason actually buy this year?

The answers to those questions …AND MORE* will be answered right now in the thrilling* conclusion of what happens when treats and tricks meet your favorite flicks.

* (Probably not too likely…)

* (Again, fat chance that’s true…)

If you missed out on the moderate chuckles, part one and part two can be viewed here.

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ALIEN QUEEN (Alien) as MILEY CYRUS

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THE INFECTED (28 Days Later) as CRAYOLA CRAYONS

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GHOSTFACE (Scream) as SURPRISED TAYLOR SWIFT WINNING AN AWARD

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THE GOVERNOR (The Walking Dead) as A CANDY CRUSH SAGA BOARD

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TARMAN ZOMBIE (The Return of the Living Dead) as KURT COBAIN

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KAYAKO SAEKI (The Grudge) as A DALLAS COWBOYS CHEERLEADER

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DRACULA (Bram Stoker’s Dracula) as PIZZA

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EVIL ED (Fright Night) as AL FROM HOME IMPROVEMENT

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OOGIE BOOGIE (The Nightmare Before Christmas) as WOODY FROM TOY STORY

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FREDDY KRUEGER (A Nightmare on Elm Street) and JASON VOORHEES (Friday the 13th) as WAYNE AND GARTH

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Is Stephen King Creepier Than His Own Characters? Yeah, Probably.

By Andrew Blumetti

“My next story features David Ortiz…it’s full of bats.  Get it?!?”

WARNING!  BEWARE OF THE NORTHEAST UNITED STATES!

When the red, yellow, and orange leaves begin to swiftly flutter to the ground and crunch under the weight of your shoe, and jackets make their way out of the closet faster than Liberace, things begin to get especially eerie up in the beautiful and quaint New England area.

No, you goofball, I’m not talking about the cackling Salem witches, and I am somewhat sure I’m not referring to Bill Belichick attempting to crack a smile and thus cracking a black hole in the nexus of the universe.

Nope, it’s the ever-ghastly presence of the morose master of the macabre, Mr. Maine himself, Stephen King.

“Quick, pull on my beard, it’ll keep us safe!”

Since the horror author first put spooky pen to paper, and began writing in the early 1950’s, libraries and bookstore shelves haven’t been safe thanks to King’s devilish novels and stories of blood-thirsty vampires, deathly plagues and killer cars.

Don’t think for a second this phenomenon is limited to only the written word, as the film adaptations of his wicked works have infamously become a part of classic American cinema history.  He’s crafted a wealth of terrifying tales that have scurried their way into our collective nightmares for decades and will surely continue to do so for years to come, long after King has hung up that same pen.

Part of King’s appeal is that he’s more than ready to delve into the seediest and darkest parts of our psyches, stirring up the pot and unleashing sinister and malevolent characters very few could imagine and even less would want to cross paths with.

That just raises the question– For all these years, how does he do it?  Why is he such a master at this bone-chilling craft?  Is Dracula his pops?  Too many Universal Monster marathons as a kid?   Perhaps a dark childhood could be the reason?

What leads someone to have such a natural knack for giving us the heebie-jeebies up our collective spine?  Is Stephen King really the most nightmareish creature to ever walk the earth?

Well, eight rounds with a handful of his own created brutes oughta answer that question for us…

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ROUND ONE:  “NO BEER AND NO TV MAKE HOMER SOMETHING SOMETHING…”

“Is this apple juice?  It’s apple, juice, right?”

 

THE CHALLENGER:  Jack Torrance

STORY:  The Shining

STRENGTHS:  Sinister smile, friendly with fiends, heck of a swing with an axe

WEAKNESSES:  Not so speedy in the freshly-fallen snow, ghost bartenders say he’s a lousy tipper

Stanley Kubrick’s 1980 classic on the King favorite, The Shining, has the honor of creating a veritable buffet of some of the most infamously creepy scenes in Hollywood history, often centered around Jack Torrance, in a role that was practically made for Jack Nicholson.  In the film version, Jack takes on Jack, a caretaker influenced by the evil spirits of a giant empty hotel  (Devil Tree?  Holiday Innsane?  Motel 666?  Scaryiott?) closed down for the long winter.

…and when he isn’t busy trying to turn his family into his former family, Jack spends long snowy days in the middle of nowhere lending a hand out on Extreme Home Makeover. 

Say it with me… MOVE… THAT… BUS!!!

“Hey door- YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!”

…and not to be outdone themselves, as an added bonus, the classic “soil-your-pants-in-fear” Grady twins who hang out in the hallway of TACKY WALLPAPER!!

Sure, they’re unsettling, but aren’t the Olsen twins too?

“We… wore… the same thing.”

Now, they might be permanently etched into your dreams tonight, but don’t tell me this guy’s any better…

Enter a caption

RESULT?:  Jack’s just a queen compared to this king.  Steve takes home the early victory.

CURRENT SCORE:

CHARACTERS:  0

KING:  1

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ROUND TWO:  THIS IS RUFF

“Sure, Beethoven got to hang out with Charles Grodin, I get fake blood on me.”

THE CHALLENGER:  Cujo

STORY:  Cujo

STRENGTHS:  massive angry pup who’s as big as a Buick, vicious bark, fetches only the obituary section of the newspaper

WEAKNESSES:  constantly wasting time to lift his leg on hydrants, can be distracted with Milk Bones

He certainly doesn’t put the “saint” in Saint Bernard…

Many unfortunate folks became Alpo for Cujo, the rabid homicidally playful pup who single-handedly pawedly terrorized a peaceful Maine neighborhood, and was kicked out of Petco more times than I can count.

“It’s BACONNNNN!!!!”

Stephen King, on the other hand, has been kicked out of Starbucks like four times.   Geez, just let everyone enjoy their Pumpkin Spice Lattes in peace, Steve.

“They call the small size ‘tall’, now, THAT’s creepy!”

RESULT?:  Hot dog!  We have a weiner!   … and it’s King.

CURRENT SCORE:

CHARACTERS:  0

KING:  2

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ROUND THREE:  HELLO NURSE!

“You can’t stop me.  I survived in ‘Titanic’.”

 

THE CHALLENGER:  Annie Wilkes

STORY:  Misery

STRENGTHS:  facing a nearly immobile victim, playing on home turf, shops in the “Murder Aisle” at Home Depot

WEAKNESSES:   homebound weirdo, frumpy dresser

Now, haunted chambermaids and misunderstood pooches, that’s merely child’s play.  Here’s a real challenge:  Annie Wilkes, the batcrap crazy nurse with a heart of poo in King’s classic, Misery, is nuttier than a Snickers bar and quite the menace with a sledgehammer.  After her favorite author in the world, Paul Sheldon, seriously crashes his car in the snow near her remote home, Wilkes rescues, cares for, traps, and tortures him, all in one heartfelt tale.

“What do you mean muffins are surprisingly high in calories?!?”

But… keep in mind, this is how Stephen King acts when the crowd sings “Sweet Caroline” at Fenway Park.  Uncalled for…

“Good times never seemed so good… SO GOOD! SO GOOD!”

RESULT?:  King surprisingly hobbled the nurse for the win.

CURRENT SCORE:

CHARACTERS:  0

KING:  3

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ROUND FOUR:  CLOWNIN’ AROUND

“I do Sudoku puzzles… IN INK!”

NAME:  Pennywise the Clown

STORY:  It

STRENGTHS:  being a terrifying clown, which is basically all you need here

WEAKNESSES: big goofy shoes make it awkward to walk, clown suit provides no fly to go to the bathroom

One of King’s all-time classics, It, is a long, long book with a long, long miniseries that starred Tim Curry as the infamous clown college dropout, “Pennywise”, a terrifying transformation of a malevolent force which exploits its victims’ worst fears, and is probably the reason your girlfriend is terrified of clowns.

He also went on to eventually went on to bang on tin drums on stage for Slipknot.  Or something…

“I don’t care if we’re rolling. I don’t step foot on set till I finish my bear claw.”

Clowns, schmowns, say goodbye to your balloon animals, cause Stephen King’s here, to sell you crappy kitchen knives, door-to-door!

RESULT?:  A big red nose, and a big red loss for the clown.  Halfway through, and we add another in the win column for King!

CURRENT SCORE:

CHARACTERS:  0

KING:  4

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ROUND FIVE:  THIS ROUND “SUCKS”

“Hurry up, I have to go host on The View.”

THE CHALLENGER:  Kurt Barlow

STORY:  Salem’s Lot

STRENGTHS:  head vampire, which luckily doesn’t include much paperwork

WEAKNESSES:  says, “fangs a lot” too much

In a book that King has referred to as his favorite in several interviews, Salem’s Lot tells the story of an writer who returns to his small Maine hometown, to find the residents are turning into bloodsucking vampires who fall in love with Kristen Stewart.  Word is, she didn’t smile once through the whole relationship.

Kurt Barlow (not to be confused with his cousin, Lou Barlow, who fronted 90’s lo-fi darlings, Sebadoh) is a master vampire, who notoriously terrorizes the town, and avoids all meals containing any trace of garlic, simply cause of bad breath.  In the novel, Barlow is depicted as a human, but is given a ghastly Nosferatu-esque appearance in the film adaptation, as seen here:

“Okay, who put my hand in warm water while I was sleeping?!?”

Stephen King, well, he just looks like a slightly thinner, less-fun version of Fat Mac from season 7 of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia:

“I’m packing on mass.”

RESULT?:  Back to the coffin, it’s King by a country mile, again.

CURRENT SCORE:

CHARACTERS:  0

KING:  5

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ROUND SIX:  YOU DA PROM!

 

“I may look happy, but my date has the hair of an English Sheepdog.”

THE CHALLENGER:  Carrie White

STORY:  Carrie

STRENGTHS:  a mean case of telekinesis, bug eyes

WEAKNESSES:  extreme shyness, unstable nut mother, ruined prom dress

Many believe King, like many famous authors, loves to cloak his blood-soaked tales of terror heavily in metaphors.

Sure, Carrie may be the tale of a shy, bullied high-schooler who exacts her revenge on her tormenters at the prom, connecting bridges to areas of isolation, religion and the troubled youth of our society.  But really, Carrie, one of the most notorious banned-books in high schools across the country, is much more straight-forward; it’s really the story of a shy high-school girl who is really bad at pouring ketchup:

“But I tapped the bottle right on the ’57’, how did this happen?!?”

But even if you didn’t find a date to the prom, an encouraging word to all the single readers out there spending wakeless hours a day on Match.com… Don’t lose faith, this guy found a wife!

(I almost take it back, this picture is kinda awesome.)

RESULT?:  The win goes to the prom king.

CURRENT SCORE:

CHARACTERS:  0

KING:  6

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ROUND SEVEN:  “DON’T STAND SO CLOSE TO ME”

“The world may have ended, so I just raided Jay Leno’s closet.”

THE CHALLENGER:  Randall Flagg

STORY:  The Stand

STRENGTHS:  pure concentrated evil, a love for demin

WEAKNESSES:  bossy, kind of a jerk, and let’s face it, way too much denim to be honest

Look what the cat dragged in…   It’s Randall Flagg, King’s self-proclaimed “best villain”, who was featured in a number of his works, but most notably as the antagonist of the apocalyptic magnum opus, The Stand.

After 99% of civilization takes a swan dive thanks to a released superflu, the wicked Flagg begins an arbitrary society of some survivors in Las Vegas of all places.   Not only do you not want to run into Flagg at the craps or poker table, you just don’t want to run into him period.  Just ask Wayne Newton.

He’s super-duper evil and has maraschino cherries for eyes.  He killed a lot of people, but most significantly of all, he killed Laura San Giacomo’s career.

“This mullet will end humanity one day.”

…and Stephen King has a fantastically creepy Dwight Schrute-ish face.

“Mose is chopped up and hidden in my backyard.”

RESULT?: Bears.  Beets.  Battlestar Galactica.  King for the win!

CURRENT SCORE:

CHARACTERS:  0

KING:  7

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ROUND EIGHT:  EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS

 

It’s nice to see they’re still giving Wanda Sykes job opportunities. 

THE CHALLENGER:  Evil giant spider

STORY:  The Mist

STRENGTHS:  speed, shoots acid, stronger webs than Spiderman, there’s a billion of little ones crawling around

WEAKNESSES:  none, this thing could kill me in a second.

The Mist, a novella by King which was turned into the feel good film of the century by The Walking Dead series developer, Frank Darabont, featured a bountiful bevy of freaks, monsters and deadly oddballs in an unnatural evil fog engulfing a small town and closing in on a group of its trapped townspeople.

..and if you hate spiders, oh man, they had spiders.   They broke into millions of little freakin’ spiders and had webs of acid too, unlike regular spiders, which make webs Gwen Stefani walks into.

“Sorry I’m not home right now, I’m walking into spider webs, so leave a message and I’ll call you back!”

Ok.  The spider wins.  Sorry King.

FINAL SCORE:

CHARACTERS:  1

KING:  7

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and the winner is… 

Well, dang-it, 26 outs is close to a perfect game, and King came pretty close in his own right today.  In a landslide, there’s no question on who’s the creepiest of the creepies, long live the…. yep…  King.

Horror Villains Celebrate Halloween: THE SEQUEL!!

Illustrated by Andrew Blumetti

 

 

Just when you thought it was safe to open the door for Snickers-grubbing trick-or-treaters…

 

Sequels are rough, man.  Highly anticipated, but more often than not, they simply can’t catch that “lightning in a bottle” magic that made the original so beloved.

Well, the heck with that noise. 

If you liked part one, well…  here’s another.   In the second part of a three-part series that’s hopefully more Godfather Part II than Sister Act 2, it’s time to lock up your Milky Ways and Twix bars, toss away those horrid Mary Janes, and un-razorblade those apples, cause it’s time for our favorite scaries to take five and have some fun of their own.

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KATIE FEATHERSTON  (Paranormal Activity) as THE CAT IN THE HAT

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BILLY THE PUPPET (Saw) as DOPED-UP LANCE ARMSTRONG

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CAPTAIN SPAULDING (House of 1000 Corpses) as A CHOLO

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MICHAEL MYERS (Halloween) as A DORITOS LOCOS TACO

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SAM (Trick ‘r Treat) as HONEY BOO BOO

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JASON VOORHEES (Friday the 13th) as LUMBERGH FROM OFFICE SPACE

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CHERYL (The Evil Dead) AS A HIPPIE

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HANNIBAL LECTER (The Silence of the Lambs) as AN ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH MODEL

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SAMARA (The Ring) as A HOOTERS WAITRESS

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LEPRECHAUN (Leprechaun) as KNICKS-ERA JEREMY LIN

White People: Ruining Hip-Hop Halloween Costumes Since the 80’s… OR MAKING BETTER?!?

By Andrew Blumetti

 

Welcome to an area definitely far outside of my wheelhouse.

Anyone who has spent just ten minutes around me can tell you I have about as much grasp on the hip-hop culture as the Jacksonville Jaguars have on a shiny Vince Lombardi trophy.

Popular terms like “yo” and “holla” would look like bad French spilling out of my awkward mouth.  Plus, the word “crunk” is totally lost on me, I can’t explain why there are so many grown men with “Lil” in their name, and don’t get me started on size stickers on flat-brimmed baseball caps.

I’ll admit- it’s simply not my forte, and will most likely never be, which I’m very happy with. Truthfully, it’s good to know deep-down what you like and what genuinely works for you.  (If more people followed that basic idea, maybe Garth Brooks wouldn’t have done this.)

But after looking at these Titanic-sized swings-and-miss costumes of some of the most legendary names in hip-hop, maybe I can pull it off better than I initially gave myself credit for.

“Wow, Blumes is talking about rap? I must be REALLY high, even by Snoop Dogg standards!”

If rap culture has spent the past three decades establishing itself as the cutting edge of trendy fashion, popular vernacular, and sleek style- well then these crappy cracker-crazy costumes just pushed that progress back about two of those decades.

So, together, let’s get down with our funky selves, bust out some killer breakdancing skills, and blast the soundtrack for October 2013. I invite you to throw on “Tennessee” (that song was cool, right?), blast out those human beatboxes (now I know those have to be cool) and get yourself ready for a not so hip-hop Halloween…

Word. 

(W)RAP IT UP, THESE COSTUMES STINK!

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 COSTUME #1:  HAIR-RAISING BAD

I think that’s…  Christopher “Kid” Reid, the eraser-haired half of early 90’s duo, Kid N’ Play

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

Sure, in 2010, having an official Pauly D. blow-out wig and some orange Oompa Loompa makeup could’ve turned you into the hippest guido on the block at Halloween parties, but what do you do with that wig when it’s 2013?

Simple!  Follow these easy steps…

1. Pull that dusty Jersey Shore wig out of the crawl space.
2. Grab a bottle of Elmer’s Glue, two if necessary.
3. Dump it on and spike that sucka straight up to the Heavens.
4. Pop it on your noggin.
5. Proceed to try and impress the ladies with a rap costume from before they were born. 
6. Go home dateless! 

Street Cred Score (From 1-10):  1

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COSTUME #2:  “KEEP THE CHANGE YA FILTHY ANIMAL.”

I think that’s… 50 Cent, popular 21st Century rapper/human target/entrepreneur/partial investor of Vitamin Water beverage.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

“It’s got grapes in it! And if you let it sit, then it’ll have raisins in it!”

Well, if someone’s gotta be shot nine times, I think this guy’s costume may make him a prime candidate.

If you’re American, this scenario will ring true…

To satisfy that overwhelming hunger craving, you run out to the nearest convenience store and grab a bag of delicious, delicious Doritos and all their nacho-cheesy greatness.  All ready to rip that bag open and orange-powder-up your fingers, you look down at the jingling store change resting in your palm, and see a freakin’ Canadian quarter sitting in there!

How’d that thing weasel its way in there?!?

They’re like a plague. Next to worthless here, they won’t work in vending machines or parking meters, and the only hope to rid yourself of them is to pawn them off on some other sucker.

Well, leave it to the Canadians to get creative at Halloween, as we see the white guy take on 50 Cent.  Personally, I would’ve been more impressed if he gave it a twisted spin and made a costume of “The Human 50 Cent-ipede” instead, but that’s probably too much change*.

Street Cred Score:  ½ (or .50)

*  Even I thought that joke was horrible!  

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COSTUME #3:  DON’T TOUCH THIS!

I think that’s… M.C. Hammer, superstar of the early 90’s whose pants doubled as a tarp for the infield at Fenway Park.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

“I’m hiding all my extra parachute pants inside of this pair that I’m currently wearing!”

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What can I say about this costumed dingus that the picture doesn’t already scream out?  (AKA…. bad puns approaching…)

• He’s not “2 legit” and if anyone should quit, we’re looking right at him.

• He certainly didn’t “nail” the Hammer costume…  wokka wokka.

• And he shouldn’t bother saying “U Can’t Touch This”, the women at the Halloween party already made that decision for him the second he walked in.

Street Cred Score:  1.  (But to be fair, that’s the same number as the actual Hammer, so kudos, guy.)

Psy! We can wear these pants together in the unemployment line!”

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COSTUME #4:  HELLO NASTY…COSTUMES

I think that’s… The Beastie Boys, groundbreaking New York hip-hop trio who fought for your right to party.  Don’t forget that, ingrates.

But don’t they actually look like…?

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Their Beasties threads, while pretty simple, actually aren’t all that bad. Although these three goobers are skirting right on the edge of looking like bad Smurfs rejects, who also happen to hang out together.

Geez, where’s Gargamel when you need him?

♪ “No… Sleep… TILL BROOKLYN!” ♪

Street Cred Score:  8

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COSTUME #5:  WRONG SPICE GIRLS

I think that’s… Salt-N-Pepa, the 90’s female hip-hoppers who weren’t TLC.

But don’t they actually look like…?

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These half-dressed girls went with these last-minute no-frills Salt-N-Pepa Halloween costumes when their Thelma & Louise ones didn’t arrive in time.

See ladies?  This is why it’s so important to have an extra emergency floozy outfit hanging around.  Just in case…

Stop! Or my mom will SHOOP!

Street Cred Score:  3

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COSTUME #6:  SLIM SHODDY

I think that’s… Eminem, one of the world’s best-selling artists of the past 30 years.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

One of Slim Shady’s most prolific singles is the 2000 hit, “Stan”, a near-frightening narrative of stalkerish fan-obsession gone overboard.  Safe to say this dude may have been his target audience for that signature tune, as this doesn’t look like a costume as much as it does an everyday borderline-unhealthy walking homage to the famous Detroitian.

But try as I might, I just can’t trash smart, frugal shopping.  When your Halloween costume consists of just a single bottle of peroxide, it leaves more cash to blow on generically hum-drum tattoos.

Street Cred Score:  6

“After seeing that costume, this is now the SECOND most awkward moment of my life.”

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COSTUME #7:  DUMP DUMP!

 

I think that’s… Kris Kross, backwards-clothes-wearing duo who had one more member than hit songs. Half a hit each guys, not too shabby!

But don’t they actually look like…?

These dufus-y costumes will make you jump jump!… of a cliff.

Well, to be fair- these Kris Kross-inspired backwards-threads would look equally stupid on everyone, regardless of race.

Better watch the amount of liquids you’re intaking at the party gentlemen, keep in mind the fly in those pants is on the wrong side now.  You don’t want to imagine the cringeworthy embarrassment of telling the doctor you ruptured your bladder because you couldn’t access the zipper on your dumb Kris Kross pants in time?

His medical diagnosis?

“That’s wiggity wiggity wiggity whack!   I’m writing you a prescription for anti-whack pills.  Take two and call me in the morning.” 

Street Cred Score:  3

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COSTUME #8:  CERTAINLY NOT KOSHER

I think that’s… Tupac Shakur, the late gangsta rapper/current hologram, who is somehow still releasing records nearly two decades after his death.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

This is just like my tattoo, but it says “HUG LIFE” instead.

Mazel Tov!

Two guys, no shirts, half a brain.

Tupac… Jewish?  Oh Jewpac.  Clever work fellas.  (Or maybe Dr. Dredle?)

This will certainly not help the already fragile East Coast and West Coast Jewish gang relations.  Oy vey, it’s a scrawny-guy driveby! 

Those costumes insult everyone! Now pull up your pants and eat something!

Street Cred Score:  ½

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COSTUME #9:  NO BOYEEEEE!!!

I think that’s… Flavor Flav, the slapstick member of Public Enemy who never has an excuse to be late to bingo because he wears a giant Bugs Bunny-ish clock around his exhausted neck 24-hours a day.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

Old Man Flavor Flav, partying till the late hour of 4:30pm.

Welcome to Yo!  MTV Craps!

Sure, it’s been a rough few weeks for Eli Manning and the lackluster New York Giants.  With their big blue wheels stuck spinning firmly in the mud, this football season hasn’t gotten off to the start anyone in the Big Apple has expected.

But all jokes aside, if the G-Men are still winless by the end of October, that costume may be an accurate depiction of how a dejected younger Manning will be spending his bummer of a Halloween.

Awww shucks, how come no one picks on Peyton instead?

Street Cred Score:  2

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COSTUME #10:  LIL’ LAME

I think that’s… Lil Wayne.  I don’t know anything about Lil Wayne.  I think apparently, he may have a unibrow.  I think he went to jail.  I think this nincompoop shouldn’t be too far behind for looking like that.  Not to mention that this guy went the always-popular route of blackface, and then had to draw fake tattoos on top of the makeup.  Tasteless or not, that’s some effort put in there.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

Funny enough, that costume makes that guy look more white than he probably did beforehand.  And isn’t the sign of any well-pulled-off costume having to hold a photo of the person you’re supposed to be next to you?  Bravo, young man.

Blumes note:  I stand corrected, I actually do know something about Lil Wayne.  In fact, just this week, I read an article about him guest starring in a most-likely ear-offensive new song by Paris Hilton, and in its brain cell-killing accompanying video. Talk about a spooky October…

Between this terrible costume and that song, it’s officially a toss-up of which is the bottoming-out point of his life.

Street Cred Score: -1

“On this song, we actually sampled the sound of my great-grandfather turning over in his grave!”

Horror Villains Celebrate Halloween!

Illustrated by Andrew Blumetti

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Because hey, they have to celebrate too. 

Happy Halloween you lovable psychos.  Please share some of your Milk Duds with me.

Love,

Andrew 

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JASON VOORHEES (Friday the 13th) as A BUMBLE BEE

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MICHAEL MYERS (Halloween) as SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS

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FRANKENSTEIN as AN ANGRY BIRD

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LEATHERFACE (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) as TOM CRUISE IN RISKY BUSINESS

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PINHEAD (Hellraiser) as ROBIN HOOD

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THE BLOB as SLASH

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GHOSTFACE (Scream) as MIKE DITKA

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REGAN (The Exorcist) as SNOOKI

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THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT STICK FIGURE as DWIGHT SCHRUTE

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FREDDY KRUEGER (A Nightmare on Elm Street) as STEVE URKEL

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CHUCKY (Child’s Play) as A PACK OF SKITTLES

Do You Like The Human Centipede AND Dessert? Then This is The Blog For You!

By Andrew Blumetti

“Yes! I finally made it into this stupid blog!”

Four fantastic days into crisp October, and I hope your horror movie marathons are up and running just like they are over here.

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Scary movies are an odd sort.  Most are written off by critics as nothing more than shock-value rubbish.  There are a few of course, that cross that plateau into the land of cinematic legends.  Psycho, Alien, Night of the Living Dead, The Silence of the Lambs, and The Shining are all examples of that perfect combination of terror, shock, thrills, chills, and the rarest of them all- near universal critical acclaim.

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This is not about those. 

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2010’s Dutch horror sleeper, The Human Centipede (First Sequence), squirmed its way into worldwide cult infamy in all its shining mouth-to-bum glory.

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Delivered to us by writer/director Tom Six, and dubbed, “100% Medically Accurate”, The Human Centipede introduces us to a consistently non-smiling psychotic German surgeon who drugs and traps two vacationing American girls, (who are pretty dumb, even by horror movie standards) and an unlucky Japanese man in his giant, creepy German surgeon home, complete with a convenient giant, creepy German operating room in the giant, creepy German basement.

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It’s no-holds-barred as he proceeds to play out his twisted desire to surgically attach them in the most uncomfortable of positions, via one joined digestive track to create what he titles, “The Human Centipede”, connecting all three of them, you guessed it–  mouth-to-derrière.  It’s the perfect last first date movie …well if your sweetheart works full-time at a carnival freak show, or if every other movie is out of stock at Blockbuster.

---

“Wait… there’s still Blockbusters around?!?  I never returned my copy of Kangaroo Jack!”

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As a horror film it was crude, vile, slightly brilliant, and mildly offensive to centipedes.  Not to mention, the trailer, with its deletions and re-additions, has pulled in nearly a combined 25 million views on YouTube.  Good job you sickies…

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Not one to rest on his stomach-turning laurels, Six revisited the Centipede world, with your mom’s favorite film of 2011, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence).  Originally banned in the UK, Australia and New Zealand upon release, this film, now deemed, “100% Medically Inaccurate”, was a revolting black-and-white tour de force of depravity, twisted humor, blood and guts, and the crème de la crème– a centipede one dozen people long.  That’s like the entire Brady Bunch family, Alice, Sam the Butcher, AND it still leaves room for two more.   Let’s not mince words, that’s a lot of rectal surgery.   In Six’s irony-free words, the grotesque sequel was created to make the first film “feel like My Little Pony” in comparison.

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I don’t know what he’s getting at, this Centipony was SIXTEEN ponies long!

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And because all good things come in threes, 2014 will bring us the long-awaited final piece of the detestable trilogy, The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence), set in a prison, featuring a rumored FIVE HUNDRED PERSON centipede and most horrifyingly of all, starring Eric Roberts.  In an interview with DreadCentral.com, Six gleefully promises the repugnant finale, will “make the last one look like a Disney film.” and “(is) going to upset a lot of people.”

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Pluto!  You’re the middle piece of the centipede!  Don’t worry, you don’t talk anyway!

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Not surprisingly, you probably want to send the kids to bed early before snuggling in with your sweetheart and a freshly-popped bag of popcorn to sit down and enjoy.  The audience for The Human Centipede films are mostly limited to horror hounds, gore lovers, and the kind of people who will peek under their Band-Aid to see how icky the gooey cut on their knee actually is.

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Best part is, if you can keep your lunch down while watching such wretched films, well then you’re gonna have plenty of room for delicious, sweet, sweet dessert.

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Well, unless the baker happens to be a big Centipede fan as well…

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OH FUDGE!

This brownie gem is a creation by Alice Rose Cakes & Cookies, your go-to bakery for all your messed-up surgery baked goods.

Just remember, dragging your feet on this gem will ruin your meal.  Better be fast to get some, those who are late to the party end up with the red digestive track to eat.

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CRAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Hey Alex, I hate to be the one to tell you this… your friends hate you.  I don’t even wanna imagine where the candles go in this thing.

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SPEND THIS CHRISTMAS WITH THE HUMAN SANTAPEDE!

Little known fact*:  In the original rendition of the English Christmas carol, “The Twelve Days of Christmas”, dating back to the 18th Century, there was an extra day penned on to the end of the listed group of days, totaling the amount to its original title, “The Thirteen Days of Christmas”.

After long thought, it was felt that due to the unlucky connotation of the number 13, the day should be dropped, thinning down the song to it’s now classic 12-day roundup, full of gifts of birds and dancing ladies.

Some other historians believe the real reason the song was thinned from its original baker’s dozen was because of this line in the song:

“On the thirteenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…  a gingerbread Human Centipede.”

“We can’t sing that. It’s gross.”

*This fact is total crap.

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GET READY TO TOSS YOUR COOKIES…

I bet these were a pain in the butt to make.

 

(RIMSHOT)

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WHAT A HALF-BAKED IDEA

 

Upon first glance, you may think these graphic cookies look trashy, but please note the curled-ribbon in the corner.  That makes them fancy.  Like the kind of Centipede cookies the Queen would nosh on.

 

“My dear… I wonder what it would be like to be the front piece??”

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I’D RATHER BE MUGGED…

You’d be surprised how fast Starbucks ran out of these collector’s mugs.  Don’t be shocked when your coffee tastes like crap though.

“Mary?!? Here’s your tall Carmel Macchiato, extra vanilla, extra steamed milk, served in a mouth-to-butt surgery mug.”

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THIS JUST TAKES THE CAKE!

Straight from the Cake Boss‘s ovens to your taste buds, this cake will make your sweet sixteen even sweeter.

Games to play at this birthday party:

• “Pin the Tail on the Person You’re Surgically Attached To”
• “Awkward Musical Chairs”
• “The Human Centipiñata“
• “Barfo Polo”

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MEET YOUR NEW FAVORITE GIRL SCOUT COOKIE…

 

Quick!  Do the humane thing and put the sad middle and end pieces of this cookiepede out of their misery.

“Five dollars?!?  When I was a kid, Human Centipede cookies cost a nickle!”

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WELL, THIS STINKS.

To you and me, this may look like the worst cake ever made in the history of mankind, but for a better idea, let’s go to the horse’s mouth and ask Birthday Boy, Mark Mallman, what his thoughts were on this unique cake:

– “I got three bites in before I vomited.  It was the best birthday ever!”

– “The wood was certainly not edible.  I don’t understand why they used wood on a cake.”

– “I thought these were the Rugrats characters, thank God for the ‘Human Centipede Birthday Cake’ label on the cake to clear that up.” 

– “I don’t know why my friends call me by my first AND last name.” 

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WELCOME BACK HOSTESS!

Woody Harrelson’s rough-and-tough character, Tallahassee, braved a nation of flesh-craving, undead cannibals, searching for the simple spongey deliciousness of a Twinkie in the hit comedy, Zombieland.

The tragic fate of this Twinkiepede would surely have brought a tear to ‘ol Tallahassee’s eyes.

“Those poor Twinkies never hurt anyone!”

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AND NOW, HUMAN CENTIPEDE BAKING WITH MARTHA STEWART…

“Hello friends.  Today, we’re going to take a page out of my new cookbook, “Heinous Baking with Martha”, creating everyone’s favorite surgically screwed-up dessert.  If it’s October, then it’s time to fill your home with the sweet aroma of our Human Centipede cupcakes. 

– First, make sure you iron your cloth napkins.  A Human Centipede cupcake on a wrinkled napkin just won’t do.  Don’t forget to polish your silverware as well, if you can see your reflection in it, your guests can see their smile as well.

– A lit candle with the wafting smell of cinnamon will fill your home with an autumnal aroma, a treat for your guests.

– Now, we’re going to use a fresh-made buttercream for our Centipede heads.   My secret?  Just a pinch of almond extract will make your mouth-to-tush baked treats the ones all the Trick-or-Treaters want to bite into this All Hallows’ Eve.

– Soft Red vine licorice will supply the touching look of dread we’re looking to place on these cupcakes. 

– Now, we can’t forget the delicious shared digestive-track, can we?   A simple line of licorice straight through the cake of all three will do the trick.

– Place your disgusting doomed treats on a hand-cut ornamental doily, and your ghoulish guests will be smiling all through the night. 

 

Join me next time, as we make my famous fruity Evil Dead blood punch with a garnish of fresh-picked celery stalks. “