Category Archives: Halloween

White People: Ruining Hip-Hop Halloween Costumes Since the 80’s… OR MAKING BETTER?!?

By Andrew Blumetti

 

Welcome to an area definitely far outside of my wheelhouse.

Anyone who has spent just ten minutes around me can tell you I have about as much grasp on the hip-hop culture as the Jacksonville Jaguars have on a shiny Vince Lombardi trophy.

Popular terms like “yo” and “holla” would look like bad French spilling out of my awkward mouth.  Plus, the word “crunk” is totally lost on me, I can’t explain why there are so many grown men with “Lil” in their name, and don’t get me started on size stickers on flat-brimmed baseball caps.

I’ll admit- it’s simply not my forte, and will most likely never be, which I’m very happy with. Truthfully, it’s good to know deep-down what you like and what genuinely works for you.  (If more people followed that basic idea, maybe Garth Brooks wouldn’t have done this.)

But after looking at these Titanic-sized swings-and-miss costumes of some of the most legendary names in hip-hop, maybe I can pull it off better than I initially gave myself credit for.

“Wow, Blumes is talking about rap? I must be REALLY high, even by Snoop Dogg standards!”

If rap culture has spent the past three decades establishing itself as the cutting edge of trendy fashion, popular vernacular, and sleek style- well then these crappy cracker-crazy costumes just pushed that progress back about two of those decades.

So, together, let’s get down with our funky selves, bust out some killer breakdancing skills, and blast the soundtrack for October 2013. I invite you to throw on “Tennessee” (that song was cool, right?), blast out those human beatboxes (now I know those have to be cool) and get yourself ready for a not so hip-hop Halloween…

Word. 

(W)RAP IT UP, THESE COSTUMES STINK!

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 COSTUME #1:  HAIR-RAISING BAD

I think that’s…  Christopher “Kid” Reid, the eraser-haired half of early 90’s duo, Kid N’ Play

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

Sure, in 2010, having an official Pauly D. blow-out wig and some orange Oompa Loompa makeup could’ve turned you into the hippest guido on the block at Halloween parties, but what do you do with that wig when it’s 2013?

Simple!  Follow these easy steps…

  1. Pull that dusty Jersey Shore wig out of the crawl space.
  2. Grab a bottle of Elmer’s Glue, two if necessary.
  3. Dump it on and spike that sucka straight up to the Heavens.
  4. Pop it on your noggin.
  5. Proceed to try and impress the ladies with a rap costume from before they were born
  6. Go home dateless! 

Street Cred Score (From 1-10):  1

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COSTUME #2:  “KEEP THE CHANGE YA FILTHY ANIMAL.”

I think that’s… 50 Cent, popular 21st Century rapper/human target/entrepreneur/partial investor of Vitamin Water beverage.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

“It’s got grapes in it! And if you let it sit, then it’ll have raisins in it!”

Well, if someone’s gotta be shot nine times, I think this guy’s costume may make him a prime candidate.

If you’re American, this scenario will ring true…

To satisfy that overwhelming hunger craving, you run out to the nearest convenience store and grab a bag of delicious, delicious Doritos and all their nacho-cheesy greatness.  All ready to rip that bag open and orange-powder-up your fingers, you look down at the jingling store change resting in your palm, and see a freakin’ Canadian quarter sitting in there!

How’d that thing weasel its way in there?!?

They’re like a plague. Next to worthless here, they won’t work in vending machines or parking meters, and the only hope to rid yourself of them is to pawn them off on some other sucker.

Well, leave it to the Canadians to get creative at Halloween, as we see the white guy take on 50 Cent.  Personally, I would’ve been more impressed if he gave it a twisted spin and made a costume of “The Human 50 Cent-ipede” instead, but that’s probably too much change*.

Street Cred Score:  ½ (or .50)

Even I thought that joke was horrible!  

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COSTUME #3:  DON’T TOUCH THIS!

I think that’s… M.C. Hammer, superstar of the early 90’s whose pants doubled as a tarp for the infield at Fenway Park.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

“I’m hiding all my extra parachute pants inside of this pair that I’m currently wearing!”

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What can I say about this costumed dingus that the picture doesn’t already scream out?  (AKA…. bad puns approaching…)

  • He’s not “2 legit” and if anyone should quit, we’re looking right at him.
  • He certainly didn’t “nail” the Hammer costume…  wokka wokka.
  • And he shouldn’t bother saying “U Can’t Touch This”, the women at the Halloween party already made that decision for him the second he walked in.

Street Cred Score:  1.  (But to be fair, that’s the same number as the actual Hammer, so kudos, guy.)

Psy! We can wear these pants together in the unemployment line!”

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COSTUME #4:  HELLO NASTY…COSTUMES

I think that’s… The Beastie Boys, groundbreaking New York hip-hop trio who fought for your right to party.  Don’t forget that, ingrates.

But don’t they actually look like…?

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Their Beasties threads, while pretty simple, actually aren’t all that bad. Although these three goobers are skirting right on the edge of looking like bad Smurfs rejects, who also happen to hang out together.

Geez, where’s Gargamel when you need him?

♪ “No… Sleep… TILL BROOKLYN!” ♪

Street Cred Score:  8

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COSTUME #5:  WRONG SPICE GIRLS

I think that’s… Salt-N-Pepa, the 90’s female hip-hoppers who weren’t TLC.

But don’t they actually look like…?

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These half-dressed girls went with these last-minute no-frills Salt-N-Pepa Halloween costumes when their Thelma & Louise ones didn’t arrive in time.

See ladies?  This is why it’s so important to have an extra emergency floozy outfit hanging around.  Just in case…

Stop! Or my mom will SHOOP!

Street Cred Score:  3

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COSTUME #6:  SLIM SHODDY

I think that’s… Eminem, one of the world’s best-selling artists of the past 30 years.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

One of Slim Shady’s most prolific singles is the 2000 hit, “Stan”, a near-frightening narrative of stalkerish fan-obsession gone overboard.  Safe to say this dude may have been his target audience for that signature tune, as this doesn’t look like a costume as much as it does an everyday borderline-unhealthy walking homage to the famous Detroitian.

But try as I might, I just can’t trash smart, frugal shopping.  When your Halloween costume consists of just a single bottle of peroxide, it leaves more cash to blow on generically hum-drum tattoos.

Street Cred Score:  6

“After seeing that costume, this is now the SECOND most awkward moment of my life.”

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COSTUME #7:  DUMP DUMP!

 

I think that’s… Kris Kross, backwards-clothes-wearing duo who had one more member than hit songs. Half a hit each guys, not too shabby!

But don’t they actually look like…?

These dufus-y costumes will make you jump jump!… of a cliff.

Well, to be fair- these Kris Kross-inspired backwards-threads would look equally stupid on everyone, regardless of race.

Better watch the amount of liquids you’re intaking at the party gentlemen, keep in mind the fly in those pants is on the wrong side now.  You don’t want to imagine the cringeworthy embarrassment of telling the doctor you ruptured your bladder because you couldn’t access the zipper on your dumb Kris Kross pants in time?

His medical diagnosis?

“That’s wiggity wiggity wiggity whack!   I’m writing you a prescription for anti-whack pills.  Take two and call me in the morning.” 

Street Cred Score:  3

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COSTUME #8:  CERTAINLY NOT KOSHER

I think that’s… Tupac Shakur, the late gangsta rapper/current hologram, who is somehow still releasing records nearly two decades after his death.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

This is just like my tattoo, but it says “HUG LIFE” instead.

Mazel Tov!

Two guys, no shirts, half a brain.

Tupac… Jewish?  Oh Jewpac.  Clever work fellas.  (Or maybe Dr. Dredle?)

This will certainly not help the already fragile East Coast and West Coast Jewish gang relations.  Oy vey, it’s a scrawny-guy driveby! 

Those costumes insult everyone! Now pull up your pants and eat something!

Street Cred Score:  ½

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COSTUME #9:  NO BOYEEEEE!!!

I think that’s Flavor Flav, the slapstick member of Public Enemy who never has an excuse to be late to bingo because he wears a giant Bugs Bunny-ish clock around his exhausted neck 24-hours a day.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

Old Man Flavor Flav, partying till the late hour of 4:30pm.

Welcome to Yo!  MTV Craps!

Sure, it’s been a rough few weeks for Eli Manning and the lackluster New York Giants.  With their big blue wheels stuck spinning firmly in the mud, this football season hasn’t gotten off to the start anyone in the Big Apple has expected.

But all jokes aside, if the G-Men are still winless by the end of October, that costume may be an accurate depiction of how a dejected younger Manning will be spending his bummer of a Halloween.

Awww shucks, how come no one picks on Peyton instead?

Street Cred Score:  2

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COSTUME #10:  LIL’ LAME

I think that’s… Lil Wayne.  I don’t know anything about Lil Wayne.  I think apparently, he may have a unibrow.  I think he went to jail.  I think this nincompoop shouldn’t be too far behind for looking like that.  Not to mention that this guy went the always-popular route of blackface, and then had to draw fake tattoos on top of the makeup.  Tasteless or not, that’s some effort put in there.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

Funny enough, that costume makes that guy look more white than he probably did beforehand.  And isn’t the sign of any well-pulled-off costume having to hold a photo of the person you’re supposed to be next to you?  Bravo, young man.

Blumes note:  I stand corrected, I actually do know something about Lil Wayne.  In fact, just this week, I read an article about him guest starring in a most-likely ear-offensive new song by Paris Hilton, and in its brain cell-killing accompanying video. Talk about a spooky October…

Between this terrible costume and that song, it’s officially a toss-up of which is the bottoming-out point of his life.

Street Cred Score: -1

“On this song, we actually sampled the sound of my great-grandfather turning over in his grave!”

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Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Halloween, Humor, Music, Pop Culture, Retro

Horror Villains Celebrate Halloween!

Illustrated by Andrew Blumetti

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Because hey, they have to celebrate too. 

Happy Halloween you lovable psychos.  Please share some of your Milk Duds with me.

Love,

Andrew 

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JASON VOORHEES (Friday the 13th) as A BUMBLE BEE

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MICHAEL MYERS (Halloween) as SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS

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FRANKENSTEIN as AN ANGRY BIRD

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LEATHERFACE (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) as TOM CRUISE IN RISKY BUSINESS

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PINHEAD (Hellraiser) as ROBIN HOOD

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THE BLOB as SLASH

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GHOSTFACE (Scream) as MIKE DITKA

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REGAN (The Exorcist) as SNOOKI

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THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT STICK FIGURE as DWIGHT SCHRUTE

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FREDDY KRUEGER (A Nightmare on Elm Street) as STEVE URKEL

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CHUCKY (Child’s Play) as A PACK OF SKITTLES

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Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Halloween, Humor, Movies, Pop Culture, Retro

Do You Like The Human Centipede AND Dessert? Then This is The Blog For You!

By Andrew Blumetti

“Yes! I finally made it into this stupid blog!”

Four fantastic days into crisp October, and I hope your horror movie marathons are up and running just like they are over here.
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Scary movies are an odd sort.  Most are written off by critics as nothing more than shock-value rubbish.  There are a few of course, that cross that plateau into the land of cinematic legends.  Psycho, AlienNight of the Living DeadThe Silence of the Lambs, and The Shining are all examples of that perfect combination of terror, shock, thrills, chills, and the rarest of them all- near universal critical acclaim.
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This is not about those. 
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2010’s Dutch horror sleeper, The Human Centipede (First Sequence), squirmed its way into worldwide cult infamy in all its shining mouth-to-bum glory.
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Delivered to us by writer/director Tom Six, and dubbed, “100% Medically Accurate”, The Human Centipede introduces us to a consistently non-smiling psychotic German surgeon who drugs and traps two vacationing American girls, (who are pretty dumb, even by horror movie standards) and an unlucky Japanese man in his giant, creepy German surgeon home, complete with a convenient giant, creepy German operating room in the giant, creepy German basement.

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It’s no-holds-barred as he proceeds to play out his twisted desire to surgically attach them in the most uncomfortable of positions, via one joined digestive track to create what he titles, “The Human Centipede”, connecting all three of them, you guessed it–  mouth-to-derrière.  It’s the perfect last first date movie …well if your sweetheart works full-time at a carnival freak show, or if every other movie is out of stock at Blockbuster.


blog centipede

“Wait… there’s still Blockbusters around?!?  I never returned my copy of Kangaroo Jack!”

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As a horror film it was crude, vile, slightly brilliant, and mildly offensive to centipedes.  Not to mention, the trailer, with its deletions and re-additions, has pulled in nearly a combined 25 million views on YouTube.  Good job you sickies…

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Not one to rest on his stomach-turning laurels, Six revisited the Centipede world, with your mom’s favorite film of 2011, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence).  Originally banned in the UK, Australia and New Zealand upon release, this film, now deemed, “100% Medically Inaccurate”, was a revolting black-and-white tour de force of depravity, twisted humor, blood and guts, and the crème de la crème– a centipede one dozen people long.  That’s like the entire Brady Bunch family, Alice, Sam the Butcher, AND it still leaves room for two more.   Let’s not mince words, that’s a lot of rectal surgery.   In Six’s irony-free words, the grotesque sequel was created to make the first film “feel like My Little Pony” in comparison.

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I don’t know what he’s getting at, this Centipony was SIXTEEN ponies long!

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And because all good things come in threes, 2014 will bring us the long-awaited final piece of the detestable trilogy, The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence), set in a prison, featuring a rumored FIVE HUNDRED PERSON centipede and most horrifyingly of all, starring Eric Roberts.  In an interview with DreadCentral.com, Six gleefully promises the repugnant finale, will “make the last one look like a Disney film.” and “(is) going to upset a lot of people.”


blog pluto

Pluto!  You’re the middle piece of the centipede!  Don’t worry, you don’t talk anyway!

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Not surprisingly, you probably want to send the kids to bed early before snuggling in with your sweetheart and a freshly-popped bag of popcorn to sit down and enjoy.  The audience for The Human Centipede films are mostly limited to horror hounds, gore lovers, and the kind of people who will peek under their Band-Aid to see how icky the gooey cut on their knee actually is.

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Best part is, if you can keep your lunch down while watching such wretched films, well then you’re gonna have plenty of room for delicious, sweet, sweet dessert.

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Well, unless the baker happens to be a big Centipede fan as well…

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OH FUDGE!

This brownie gem is a creation by Alice Rose Cakes & Cookies, your go-to bakery for all your messed-up surgery baked goods.

Just remember, dragging your feet on this gem will ruin your meal.  Better be fast to get some, those who are late to the party end up with the red digestive track to eat.

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CRAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Hey Alex, I hate to be the one to tell you this… your friends hate you.  I don’t even wanna imagine where the candles go in this thing.

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SPEND THIS CHRISTMAS WITH THE HUMAN SANTAPEDE!

Little known fact* In the original rendition of the English Christmas carol, “The Twelve Days of Christmas”, dating back to the 18th Century, there was an extra day penned on to the end of the listed group of days, totaling the amount to its original title, “The Thirteen Days of Christmas”.

After long thought, it was felt that due to the unlucky connotation of the number 13, the day should be dropped, thinning down the song to it’s now classic 12-day roundup, full of gifts of birds and dancing ladies.

Some other historians believe the real reason the song was thinned from its original baker’s dozen was because of this line in the song:

“On the thirteenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…  a gingerbread Human Centipede.”

“We can’t sing that. It’s gross.”

*This fact is total crap.

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GET READY TO TOSS YOUR COOKIES…

I bet these were a pain in the butt to make.

 

(RIMSHOT)

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WHAT A HALF-BAKED IDEA

 

Upon first glance, you may think these graphic cookies look trashy, but please note the curled-ribbon in the corner.  That makes them fancy.  Like the kind of Centipede cookies the Queen would nosh on.

 

blog queen

“My dear… I wonder what it would be like to be the front piece??”

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I’D RATHER BE MUGGED…

You’d be surprised how fast Starbucks ran out of these collector’s mugs.  Don’t be shocked when your coffee tastes like crap though.

“Mary?!? Here’s your tall Carmel Macchiato, extra vanilla, extra steamed milk, served in a mouth-to-butt surgery mug.”

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THIS JUST TAKES THE CAKE!

Straight from the Cake Boss‘s ovens to your taste buds, this cake will make your sweet sixteen even sweeter.

Games to play at this birthday party:

  • “Pin the Tail on the Person You’re Surgically Attached To”
  • “Awkward Musical Chairs”
  • “The Human Centipiñata
  • “Barfo Polo”

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MEET YOUR NEW FAVORITE GIRL SCOUT COOKIE…

 

Quick!  Do the humane thing and put the sad middle and end pieces of this cookiepede out of their misery.

blog cookies

“Five dollars?!?  When I was a kid, Human Centipede cookies cost a nickle!”

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WELL, THIS STINKS.


To you and me, this may look like the worst cake ever made in the history of mankind, but for a better idea, let’s go to the horse’s mouth and ask Birthday Boy, Mark Mallman, what his thoughts were on this unique cake:

– “I got three bites in before I vomited.  It was the best birthday ever!”

– “The wood was certainly not edible.  I don’t understand why they used wood on a cake.”

– “I thought these were the Rugrats characters, thank God for the ‘Human Centipede Birthday Cake’ label on the cake to clear that up.” 

– “I don’t know why my friends call me by my first AND last name.” 


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WELCOME BACK HOSTESS!

Woody Harrelson’s rough-and-tough character, Tallahassee, braved a nation of flesh-craving, undead cannibals, searching for the simple spongey deliciousness of a Twinkie in the hit comedy, Zombieland.

The tragic fate of this Twinkiepede would surely have brought a tear to ‘ol Tallahassee’s eyes.

“Those poor Twinkies never hurt anyone!”

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AND NOW, HUMAN CENTIPEDE BAKING WITH MARTHA STEWART…

“Hello friends.  Today, we’re going to take a page out of my new cookbook, “Heinous Baking with Martha”, creating everyone’s favorite surgically screwed-up dessert.  If it’s October, then it’s time to fill your home with the sweet aroma of our Human Centipede cupcakes. 

– First, make sure you iron your cloth napkins.  A Human Centipede cupcake on a wrinkled napkin just won’t do.  Don’t forget to polish your silverware as well, if you can see your reflection in it, your guests can see their smile as well.

– A lit candle with the wafting smell of cinnamon will fill your home with an autumnal aroma, a treat for your guests.

Now, we’re going to use a fresh-made buttercream for our Centipede heads.   My secret?  Just a pinch of almond extract will make your mouth-to-tush baked treats the ones all the Trick-or-Treaters want to bite into this All Hallows’ Eve.

Soft Red vine licorice will supply the touching look of dread we’re looking to place on these cupcakes. 

Now, we can’t forget the delicious shared digestive-track, can we?   A simple line of licorice straight through the cake of all three will do the trick.

Place your disgusting doomed treats on a hand-cut ornamental doily, and your ghoulish guests will be smiling all through the night. 

 

Join me next time, as we make my famous fruity Evil Dead blood punch with a garnish of fresh-picked celery stalks.

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Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Food, Halloween, Humor, Movies, Pop Culture

13 Unscary Horror Movie Costumes (BOOOOO!)

By Andrew Blumetti

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Happy October everyone!

Bust out the crispy apples to bob, the bumpy pumpkins to carve, and the scary black cats to avoid.  It’s finally the spookiest time of the year, and I couldn’t be happier.  To celebrate, this post will begin a month’s worth of Halloween-centric topics.  From goofy costumes to Trick or Treating to horror movies, all writing/art during October will be a Halloween celebration.  Hope you enjoy!

Best witches,

-Andrew

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“I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.” 

– L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

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Now, if your tenth month of the year is anything like mine, your DVD player will be working overtime, playing every scary movie ever made all Halloween season long to put you in that perfect chilling mood.  (It’ll also be filled with purchasing bags of candy for trick-or-treaters way too early, and snacking on them all month long instead, but that’s really a story for another time.)

Seriously, these things won’t make it past October 2nd.

See the sun dropping earlier?  The air is getting chilly and you’re quick to break those hooded sweatshirts out of their long slumber, the only way to celebrate is to get the blood pumping by crankin’ up the terror.

It’s perfect time to throw on some comfy slippers, kick back with a warm cup of apple cider and watch Jason slash up some ill-fated teenage campers, hordes of mindless zombies descend upon the ramshackle house in Night of the Living Dead, and Leatherface rev up that grimy, rusty chainsaw to really ruin someone’s afternoon.

Horror movies and Halloween season go hand-in-hand in the most fun way possible.  It’s that eerie time of year we’re slightly more apprehensive to shut the lights in the kitchen or we may drive a little faster when we pass a cemetery at night.  For these 31 days, don’t imagine trying to walk in the dark without looking over your shoulder, even for just a split second.   You know, every creak, every squeak, every sound could be terror right around the corner, waiting to take you down.

Of corpse course, those same beloved horror anti-heros are a cash cow for the Halloween costume-business as well.

Let’s investigate further.  In 2013, when it comes to adult Halloween costumes, there’s basically four major categories to pick from:

1. Superhero (examples:  Batman, Superman, Spiderman, etc…)

Wow, they Photoshopped a girl in there pretty seamlessly, didn’t they?

2. Guy Who Makes a Giant Cardboard Facebook Profile Around His Head

Fact: Mark Zuckerberg gets a dollar every time you wear one of these.

3. Trashy ANYTHING (girls freezing their tails off to thoroughly skank up any costume or character available)

“Halloween, just the way your grandparents spent it.”

4. Scary (examples:  vampire, zombie, witches, monsters, horror movie characters, etc…)

BRAAAAAINS!!! (Hey zombies, don’t go to the trashy costume picture for those.)

(Blumes note:  Miley Cyrus costumes can count as numbers 3 AND 4)

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And category four is where we’re focusing today (I know, I know, we were all hoping for trashy ones, I kinda was too).

When pulled-off correctly, seeing our most feared and terrifying wet-your-pants-in-fear villains, ghouls, and goblins come to life, it can be a horrifying treat to experience.

Or… how when those same ghastly villains costumes aren’t pulled off correctly,  it’s well… cringeworthy comedy at its finest.

Lock the doors, turn on the lights, and get your best scream ready, cause it’s the Halloworst!

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CRAP COSTUME #1

Who’s that mess?Jason Voorhees

FilmFriday the 13th

Estimated costume cost$2.00

But he should look like: 

And you wondered why the attendance at the Florida Panthers game is so low?

But why’s it a train wreck?True, true, the weaker Friday… films did feature lumbering camper-killer, Jason, with a smart, Supercuts-esque, well-quaffed, white guy-hairdo, complete with a red Aeropostale t-shirt, but c’mon fella, you look more like Jason Bateman than Jason Voorhees in that craptacular costume.

He should actually be careful, that mask is so cheap, it’s likely those air holes are just painted on.

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Hey kid,

Thanks for making me look less stupid.

Love,

Jason X

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CRAP COSTUME #2

Who’s that mess?Carrie White … I think

FilmCarrie

Estimated costume cost$5.95

But she should look like: 

“Don’t you people think? All the fries will be ketchup-less now!”

But why’s it a train wreck?:  One time, many many long times ago, I felt my throat getting dryer than Harrison Ford on a talk show interview.  Yes, friends, it was that classic instinct- thirst.

Of course as fate would have it, all that was around was a bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red.  Sure, there’s questionable red dyes in it, but brotha, beggars can’t be choosers.  When you gotta quench, you gotta quench.

As I went to grab it, ‘ol butterfingers that I am, I dropped it like a total glom.  Shaken Mountain Dew isn’t safe by any means, but the intense thirst was winning, and I needed relief right then.

So, I turned the cap and BAM!!!   The sticky corn syrupy-soda exploded all over me, and I was covered in an embarassing red.

Bottom line of my story?  I looked more like Carrie than this girl does.


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CRAP COSTUME #3

Who’s that mess? Hannibal Lecter

Film:  The Silence of the Lambs

Estimated costume cost$6.00

But he should look like:  

If you think this is scary, you should’ve seen me in Freejack!

But why’s it a train wreck?Well, for starters, you couldn’t have a less intimidating kid playing Hannibal the Cannibal.  He’ll only get to trick or treat if he can unstuff himself from his high-school locker and get out before dark.

Lucky for him, I’m a “glass is half full” kind of guy.  On the plus side, when November 1st comes around, this goober can cut the bars off and make this thing into the beard he’ll never be able to grow.

That’s right, win/win buddy!  Blumes is lookin’ out for ya!

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CRAP COSTUME #4

Who’s that mess?Captain Spaulding

FilmHouse of 1000 Corpses/The Devil’s Rejects

Estimated costume cost$3.00

But he should look like: 

“Wait, they’re using pretzel buns on burgers now?!?”

But why’s it a train wreck?:   Well, frankly, he’s sassy.  Like “jazz hands” kind of sassy.  That’s never a good look, especially for a dirty, scummy, merciless murdering clown.

Plus the painted-on facial hair, wacky uneven eyebrows and constipated face just come off as scary, but in all the wrong ways.

You gotta remember Flamboyant Spaulding, bran flakes are your friend in a time like this.  How do you think Freddy Krueger stays so regular?

“Two bowls of Raisin Bran a day, and I’m good to go!”

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CRAP COSTUME #5

Who’s that mess?Michael Myers

FilmHalloween

Estimated costume cost:  $3.99

But he should look like: 

“You can’t trick me. I saw Home Alone, I’m not falling for that paint can on the stairs trap.”

But why’s it a train wreck?With all that time spent murdering people, how’s soft-rock Myers gonna keep his place playing bass for Michael Bolton’s backing band?

That’s a Michael Myers spread way too thin.

To Michael Myers: “How am I supposed to live without you?”

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CRAP COSTUME #6

Who’s that mess?Freddy Krueger

FilmA Nightmare on Elm Street

Estimated costume cost-$0.02 (for stolen plastic utensil)

But he should look like: 

Freddy during Madonna’s “Vogue” craze. With those fingers, that was a painful time.

But why’s it a train wreck?♪  “One, two, Freddy’s gonna eat stew”  ♪

Don’t fall asleep… at lunch?  Because Freddy’s back, working at a mid-range IT firm to haunt your dreams, torment your innocent soul, and mercilessly plastic spork your sad-self into a bloody pulp.

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CRAP COSTUME #7

Who’s that mess?Billy the Puppet

FilmSaw

Estimated costume cost:  $12.50 (I didn’t charge for shoes)

But he should look like: 

“Maybe people would treat me with more respect if I went by ‘William the Puppet’. Sigh. “

But why’s it a train wreck?It’s not really a bad costume per say, the effort is surely there.  I just can’t get past the fact this adult on a tricycle spent his hard-earned dinero on a crappy magician’s tuxedo, Saw mask, and a shiny new bike, but decided that’s where the purse-strings closed, and usually-valuable shoes would have to suffer.

“Fred Flintstone-ing” your costume when it’s not required is a classic Halloween faux pas, and isn’t going to win you friends anytime soon.

Seriously–  try being at the party, talking to this creepy schlub with his grody, grungy feet sticking out within a five-foot radius of the dip, and tell me you’re not gonna lose your appetite and head for the nearest exit.

Also, this Billy mask features the hair of Roseanne Barr back during Roseanne Barr’s awful hairdo period.

https://i1.wp.com/blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs/lookalikeroseanne16496roseanne.jpg

YIKES!

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CRAP COSTUME #8

Who’s that mess?Chucky

FilmChild’s Play

Estimated costume cost$4.99

But he should look like: 

Chucky: Still less scary than Carrot Top… and less painful.

But why’s it a train wreck?Procrastination never pays kids.

This is what happens when you wait till Halloween afternoon to buy your costume… at the dollar store.  And not even the good dollar store that sells Twix at two for a buck, it’s the one where you need to cry in the shower like Glenn Close in The Big Chill when you get home.

“Everything there was off-brand! What’s a Twankie?!?”

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CRAP COSTUME #9

Who’s That Mess?Micah Sloat and Katie Featherston

FilmParanormal Activity

Estimated costume cost$0.00.   Literally zero.

But they should look like: 

“Seriously kids, you literally had to dress up like white people. How’d you screw that up?”

But why’s it a train wreck?:  How could you not be a fan of the 2009 found-footage demon fest, Paranormal Activity?   Created on the budget of two iced frappes at Starbucks, its Hitchcockian-attack on the senses of “less is more” was a refreshing minimalist change from the gorefests that seem to overtake modern horror.

As for this low-grade attempt at the main character’s costumes, obviously these two derelicts just wore their Kool Aid-stained pajamas to a party.  In fact, I doubt if they even knew there was a costume party.  This was just a result of a sloppy lunch.   Or more likely, lunches.  

(Also note:  This girl is barefooting it.  It may be accurate, but still a major no-no.)

(Also note, part 2:  Check out that “mummy” sitting on the couch behind them.  That party has no standards whatsoever.  Can you imagine the chips they bought?)

“Is that those kids in the costume?!? Oh no, it’s a demon. Phew.”

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CRAP COSTUME #10

Who’s That Mess?Pennywise the Clown

FilmStephen King’s It

Estimated costume cost$6.50

But he should look like: 

“I’m smiling because my landscaping business is taking off so well.”

But why’s it a train wreck?Ask anyone who suffers from coulrophobia (fear of clowns), and many are certain to pinpoint their petrifying fear back to this devilish creature from one of Stephen King’s most famous works.  His eyes turn a terrifying yellow, he has razor-sharp fangs, and he yanks little boys to their untimely bloody deaths in the rain-drenched sewer like Dr. Smith in Lost in Space.

Well, show them this clown college reject, and their nose-honking, balloon-animal fear will go away faster than this clown’s self esteem did, apparent by his “I lost ALL of my money betting on the Giants game last week!” face. 

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CRAP COSTUME #11

Who’s that mess?Shaun Riley

FilmShaun of the Dead

Estimated costume cost$1.05 (for name tag)

But he should look like: 

“C’mon! This is NOTHING like the Thriller video!”

But why’s it a train wreck?From the neck-down, it’s actually not.

True, zombie-killer/slacker Shaun’s costume isn’t much more than a bloody white shirt and tie with an added bloody cricket bat, but the fact this guy looks like a Slayer roadie is really ruining the overall look.

and think of the fallout at the next Slayer concert…

Slayer:  Hey, this guitar string broke mid-song, get a replacement, quick!

(silence)

Slayer:  Geez, what’s taking so long?!?

Tour manager:  Your roadie is trick or treating.  We’ll have to cancel the concert.

Crowd:  BOOOOOOOOO!

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CRAP COSTUME #12

Who’s that mess?Regan MacNeil

FilmThe Exorcist

Estimated costume cost$1.00

But she should look like: 

“Fellas, I’m on Plenty of Fish… and available!”

But why’s it a train wreck?:  Somehow this girl managed to get out of bed, look like a total disaster, and still mess up the intended “get out of bed and look like a disaster” look that demonized youth, Regan has to endure in the horror classic, The Exorcist.  

And now, for your reading enjoyment, I was able to score an exclusive interview with Regan herself to get her opinion on this controversial costume issue:

Blumes:  Regan, can you please give me your feelings on this girl’s lame wannabe demon getup of you?

Regan:  

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CRAP COSTUME #13

Who’s that mess?Ghostface

FilmScream

Estimated costume cost$0.50

But he should look like: 

“I will finally get my revenge on Gordon Ramsay for kicking me off the show!”

But why’s it a train wreck?Go into any Walgreens or CVS store this time of year, and you’ll see a ton of these now classic Scream masks taking up residence on the shelf, and their prime selling point?  Most of them won’t break your bank in the least.

Yes, it’s a cheap costume that’ll give you little hat-hair, and hey, you’ll get the same amount of candy, right?

Apparently this  dude doesn’t get out much, seeing as how he decided to make his own crappy version and reak havoc on Japan by tickling his victims to death and running amok with all the yen he saved.

Look at him living it up…

“Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun!”

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