Category Archives: Pop Culture

Slightly Off-Color Family Circus Comics

Blumes Note:  The idea may not be totally original, but this was too much fun.  All the fun of the Sunday paper, without those pesky K-Mart circulars… 

 

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Filed under Animation, Comedy, Entertainment, Humor, Pop Culture, Retro

Carl Winslow Kills His Whole Family! (Family Splatters)

By Andrew Blumetti

“You can find me on Twitter, @COP4LIFEINEVERYTHINGIAPPEARIN”

To address that seemingly exaggerated title, let’s bust out of the starting gate with an important question.  One simple inquiry that should, no, make that needs to be answered by the end of this article.

“Did he do thaaaaaaaaat?”

..and my dear friends, the answer to that haunting query, beyond a shadow of a doubt will absolutely come back, yes.

—————————————-

Carl Otis Winslow is an island.

No, that’s not just because the zoftig patriarch of the Chicago household is filled with more coconuts than a Rupert Holmes song, it’s because, despite his penchant for adult hissy-fits and Sears Tower-high cholesterol, this doughy donut factory is still standing on two legs.

…and more importantly, it’s because a good chunk of his family isn’t.  

This is going to get ugly.

Take a few seconds to gander, ganderers.  Above this very sentence is a delightful photo of the Winslow clan mid-series.  Sure, they’re all smiles and bright colors here, but fate would reach its cold, calloused hand down and throw them in a different direction.  You can print that adorable picture out, tape it to your wall, toss a dart at it, and there’s a likely chance the character it lands on quietly disappeared by the series’ unfateful demise in 1999.

Well, of course, unless it landed on Carl.

Carl Winslow

Now, by comparison, here’s a cast photo in the show’s final (nauseatingly bad) season:

urkel 1

That’s some bone-chilling Winslow subtraction.

A few additions, a lot of subtractions.  My, my, my, that is some frighteningly suspicious TGIF math there.   Granted, television is a fickle land, shows do pick up and drop stars at will.  Heck, look no further than the differences between E.R.‘s first and last season casts, there’s nary an Eriq La Salle to be seen for miles around.  What made the cast changeovers on Family Matters unique is how heavy, yet subtle the subtractions came.

A typical 90’s neon-drenched sitcom whose seed was deeply planted in Perfect Strangers, (the Odd Couple for Eurotrash in the 1980’s), Family Matters quickly grabbed the “loving middle class African American family” baton from The Cosby Show, and ran like the Dickens through the following decade.

“Now I am so offended, we do the dance of joy!”

The hilarious irony is that the longer the show lasted, the less family seemed to matter.   Quietly dropping like flies, all while pants-to-his-stupid-nipples next-door nerd neighbor, Steve Urkel, apologetically hijacked the show, dunked it in silly juice, crashed it on the moon and eventually turning it into a grade-A slapstick mess on toast.

If there’s one thing Carl knew well, it was food, and if “you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs” rings true, it’s time to start looking at the last man standing for the remains of those tossed broken eggshells…

THE WINSLOW FAMILY BODY COUNT:

1.  Judy Winslow

judy winslow

I know we’re all thinking it, so I’ll just say it: “Poor Man’s Rudy”.

In real life, Jaimee Foxworth, who portrayed the youngest Winslow kin, took a major league spill down crap mountain so historic, even the world’s most adorable meth-head, Jodi Sweetin, rolled her bloodshot eyes at her in pity.  In the world of Family Matters though, Judy just flat-out disappeared, (although to the viewing audience, she actually disappeared somewhere between episodes 2 and 4).   The best part?  The family blew it off like the girl never existed in the first place.

Or, just what Carl Winslow would have us believe.

THEORY:  Desperate for a ratings bump and with blood-sugar issues driving him up a wall, Carl, infamous for his 28 Days Later-level of rage, turned to cannibalism during a dark, unaired episode.

Let’s begin our meal…

  • 4 quarts of chicken broth
  • 1 onion, diced
  • 2 teaspoons kosher salt
  • 1 young Winslow child

Annoyingly useless character gone, hunger pains gone?  Sounds like a Win/Winslow situation to me!

“Harriet, my Judy Noodle Soup was too salty.”

———————————

2.  Rachel Baines-Crawford

“I wonder if Hollywood Squares is hiring.”

She wore stupid hats, sang at strange times, opened a restaurant with the most narcissistic name humanly possible, and bizarrely enough, left her weirdo son out of nowhere, only to make periodic returns at the oddest times with no explanation given.

Rachel’s sudden and unexplained disappearance was even more peculiar than Judy’s, as the character played a bigger, more important role (in other words, she had actual lines of dialogue).  Richie basically lost a mom, Harriet lost her sister, Rachel’s Place lost its owner, and Telma Hopkins lost her paycheck.  Tragedy was dinging like a pinball machine all over the Matters universe.

THEORY: During the final season’s Christmas episode, Rachel, after opening her presents, skedaddled and was never to be seen again (although leaving the show at that point really was a present).  To explain her lengthy absences, it’s safe to assume Carl “Buffalo Billed” Rachel, keeping her in an underground pit in her own restaurant’s basement, to fry up glazed donuts/yaks for him upon his request.

“It puts the sprinkles in the basket!”

————————————–

3.  Estelle Winslow

THUG LIFE.

SHOWDOWN!  Her new hip is the new hip!  A battle royale of this streetwise granny vs. yours truly

                ESTELLE                 BLUMES

Dates:            MANY                      HAHA!

Social Life:    YES                          HUH?

Hip Factor:   HIGH             PAUL PFEIFFER-ISH

Yet, despite kicking my sorry white kiester in carpe diem-ing, after marrying her main squeeze, Fletcher, the eldest Winslow also mysteriously went POOF! from the show, taking her new baritone hubby and the greater Chicago area’s supply of Ben Gay down the bottomless pit with her.

THEORY:  Let’s just put it this way… you don’t want to know what the secret ingredient in Carl’s “Taco Tuesday” menu is.  Yes, those are bits of support hose in there.

familymatters1

“Carl’s tacos gave me the Urkel squirts.”

——————————

4.  Richie Crawford

“I don’t know why God made me either!”

Mother of all creatures, big and small!  This creepy little troll-faced hobgoblin…

Nowhere near as adorable as they portrayed him, freaky little Richie Crawford somehow managed to pull off the Everest-task of sporting both a terrible Jheri-curl AND a mullet simultaneously.

It’s like this… you know how when viewing photos of Michael Jackson as a child, there’s that wave of shock about how normal he looked in comparison?  Well, Richie is like an adult Michael Jackson, but as a freakin’ kid.  Trying to try to figure how that molestation scenario would play out hurts my brain.*

*too soon.

THEORY:  As if one weirdo youth wasn’t enough, the Winslows adopted the biggest sass-mouthed orphan since Annie.  Enter Jerry Jamal  Jameson, also known as “3J”, in the eighth season.  The powers that be deemed this too many kids, so latchkey Richie vanished with his flaky mom during the final season’s Christmas episode, leaving 3J to take the reigns as the low-Winslow for the show’s final half-season.

Or more likely, Carl paid 3J to poison Richie’s Capri Sun pouches.  The little runt never saw it coming.

urkel 2

No big loss, half of Richie’s paycheck went towards 70’s curl gel anyway.

———————————-

5.  Waldo “Geraldo” Faldo

“I just used Harriet’s luffa.  Does that make me less of a man?”

The resident city village idiot and best friend of Eddie Winslow, Carl’s eldest child.  Waldo was the owner of a Forrest Gump-ish lQ, an unexpected culinary flair, and is the single-handed reason I still annoy people to this day by responding, “No prob, Bob”.   But, in typical Matters mystique, he vamoosed during the show’s December years faster than a dirty-footed hippie dodging the draft during the 70’s.

So…

(wait for it…)

(keep waiting…)

Where’s Waldo?

THEORY:  When good-natured simpleton Waldo tried to cook calorie-Carl a healthy, low-carb broccoli dinner, Winslow snapped like a postal worker in the 1990’s.  That’s the number one reason you don’t bring your piece to the dinner table.  (Number two reason?  Buckshot in the rice pudding.)

Well, that’s the wrong Geraldo if I’ve ever seen one.

6.  (original) Harriet Winslow

“Hey Harriet, stop giving us a bad name.”

-Wet Blankets

Close to the series’ close, when it had unceremoniously been dumped on CBS to die a slow and painful, and well-deserving death, Jo Marie Payton, the show’s second-billed actress, left the show, to unseemlessly be replaced by a different Harriet Winslow, played by JudyAnn Elder.  Yes, we all noticed.  It was like a bad toupee.

urkel 3

Nope.

THEORY: To any readers in Chicago, go to Soldier Field.  Yes, literally on the grass.  Now, start running.  Notice that huge lump bulging out on the 20-yard line?  Courtesy of Harriet Winslow!

“DA HARRS!”

——————————-

When would supa-fly homeboy Eddie, goody-two-shoes fussbudget Laura, and massive shark-jumper Urkel have bit the proverbial dust too?  Maybe a tenth season would’ve given “Carl the Calorie Killer” Winslow the chance to work his malevolent magic on those unsuspecting stupid kids, but alas, we’ll just never know what horrors laid ahead at 1516 W. Wrightwood Avenue in Chicago, Illinois.

…or should we call it… HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES?!?

“HAHA! That Urkel sure loves his cheese!”

————————————

Now remember that adorable family photo from earlier?  By comparison, it looks a heck of a lot sweeter than this haunting piece of evidence, found by detectives in Carl’s disturbing bedroom:

family matters

Till next time… no sweat, my pets! 

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Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Humor, Pop Culture, Retro, Television

The Drink Knight: The Saga of Super Grover and Gatorade

By Andrew Blumetti

“I am whatever Sesame needs me to be.”

 

Ringo Starr…

Judy Winslow…

The guys in Aerosmith who aren’t Steven Tyler or Joe Perry…

Sometimes you’re just that guy.

There’s a street, and while the name screams out a magical land of bagel toppings, it’s actually a place where jovial fur-covered monsters teach us our ABC’s, our 123’s, and the importance of sharing a bathtub with just that special rubber ducky.

♪  Can you tell me how to get… how to get to Sesame Street?  ♪

Practice, practice, practice, and stick your hand up a puppet’s keister. 

Too bad there’s only so many colors in the rainbow, because if you reside at 123 in the brownstone-laden land of Sesame Street, and you’re the blue monster who’s not Cookie Monster, then you’re that guy.  And your name is Grover.

“What does ‘nom-nom’ even mean?!?”

I Got the Sesame Street Blues

While loveable and time-tested, being the second most popular blue Muppet means naturally, you’re gonna lash out to be noticed.   So, when everyone and their grandmother is waxing poetic over that gravel-voiced, pre-diabetic Oreo-muncher, you spill some soup, toss out contractions completely from your vocabulary, pop on a cape, and hurl yourself out the window, cause you’re the redheaded blueheaded stepchild, and you’re getting some attention, come cookies or high water.

Enter, SUPER GROVER

He’s loveable, he means well, and he crashes more often than the Obamacare website.   Heck, he even took time out of his busy schedule to protect our Thanksgiving from evil tryptophan and blowout Detroit Lions games.

Soaring like an eagle, Super Grover protects the skies of Gotham… on Turkey Day.

And if by this point something just looks slightly familiar about Super Grover, replenish those lost electrolytes and take a gander at this, gander-takers…

——————————–

There’s a storm a-brewin’ and the forecast calls for a 100% chance of lightning bolts.  They’re flashing all over Sesame Street and they’re leaving huge smoking craters all over the football field.  This is a chicken-and-egg situation so gigantic, it’s like Big Bird squated his feathery-yellow self down and popped out a massive omelette right in front of us.

“Snuffy, breakfast is on me today!”

————————

Be Like Mike

grover

Simple answer to this origin… history lesson!   But unfortunately, this thirst-quenching quest isn’t really that cut and dry…

Gatorade, America’s most popular sports drink, founded on the campus of The University of Florida in 1965, and currently owned by PepsiCo., has incorporated the lightning bolt into it’s advertising since 1970.   Despite that, with a number of logo redesigns, it wasn’t until 2009 that the current “G-Series” logo was introduced with the bolt included.

Super Grover, the alter-ego of the Sesame Street character was introduced in the 1970’s, and used the “G” logo similar to the Gatorade font for decades, but it wasn’t until a 2010 re-branding that a lightning bolt was added to his costume.

So, while Gatorade was the first to use the lightning bolt, at the same time, Sesame Street can lay claim to the “G”.  All of this nonsensical circular research is really enough to make you feel winded and sweaty.

“After all of this flying, I am going to need many sips of Riptide Rush to feel quenched!”

————————————–

Lemon Lime or Lemon LIES?!?

So, if no one can officially produce concrete proof of placing their flag into the soil, it sunk in… maybe this is some kind of clever tie-in?  Maybe coincidences are for squares… Cahoots!  Cahoots I say!

After contacting both parties involved, here’s what I received back:

OFFICIAL STANCE FROM GATORADE/PEPSI CO.:

Andrew:

Thanks for writing to us. While I can’t comment on other consumer feedback, I can tell you that there is no official tie in between Gatorade and Super Grover.

I hope this helps.

Jenny
Gatorade Consumer Relations
A Division of PepsiCo

(sent on January 5, 2014)

OFFICIAL STANCE FROM SESAME STREET/THE JIM HENSON COMPANY:

No reply.   (as of January 10, 2014)

————————–

Well, crap.

“All of this reading and things are still fishy!”

So, all that work, and where does that bring us?

Gatorade can weave a clever yarn, but it’s impossible to overlook these little coincidences

  • As recently as 2011, Sesame Place ran an on-can promotion with Pepsi, Gatorade’s parent company…

Well, I guess there has to be some kind of reward for suffering through a can of Diet Pepsi…

  • Sesame Street characters, Elmo and Abby Cadabby appeared in a segment with Los Angeles Laker, Kobe Bryant, who has appeared in Gatorade commercials as recently as last year…

“Elmo help fix Kobe’s broken knee!”

  • Last year, Diet Pepsi used actress Sofia Vergara in a campaign.  Sofia Vergara is essentially evolving into a giant, jiggly, impossible-to-understand, cartoonish Colombian Muppet as each day passes. 

“I love PEEEEEPSI, and being on SEEEEEESSSSAME STEEEEEET.”

 

With Sesame’s tight-lipped stance, perhaps we’ll never know if this sports beverage and this puppet superhero are in bed together.  Despite what Gatorade’s official statement is, like it or lump it, kids plopped in front of the tellie will know that lightning bolt, and when they cramp up on the soccer field this spring, we all know what beverage they’ll be handed first.   To quote Ned Flanders, while this remains foggy, I’ll remain a bit of a “Suspocious Aloysius”.

In a year’s time, when we’re treated to “Grover Grape” flavor Gatorade, we’ll all know where that marriage began.

Looks like Oscar’s flavor is still not confirmed yet.

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Filed under Advertising, Comedy, Entertainment, Food, Humor, Pop Culture, Retro, Sports, Television

A Full House Comic

By Andrew Blumetti

 

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Filed under Animation, Art, Comedy, Entertainment, Humor, Pop Culture, Retro, Television

The Hand-burglar Turkey!

By Andrew Blumetti

It’s become an annual tradition that during November and early December, I spend the bulk of my free time hand-painting Christmas ornaments to sell at my nephew’s school Christmas sale.  Art has always been my first passion, so it’s been a lot of fun, and at this point, I’m nearly 100 in, have painted more Elf on the Shelfs, Elmos, and Disney Princesses than a grown man should admit to, (and surely now am one step closer to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome), which has taken away a bit of my time on here for a few weeks.

During this (delicious) time of thanks, I want to extend a big thank you to everyone on here for your continued support on my blog over the past three months.  Being able to create, share, and most importantly, make so many new and amazing friends is something I am very appreciate of, very thankful for, and cannot wait to continue. 

A very Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families!   Send me your leftovers!

-Andrew “Blumes” Blumetti

 

…but to quote Buzz McCallister from Home Alone 2, “enough of this gooey shhhhhh…ow of emotion”, here’s the stupidest thing you’ll see all day… robble… and gobble!

 

https://i0.wp.com/25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mduujqx3Q31qmwe2yo1_1280.jpg

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Filed under Art, Comedy, Entertainment, Food, Holiday, Humor, Pop Culture

Inappropriate Movie Moments… in Microsoft Paint, Vol. X

paint my girl

16 Comments

November 22, 2013 · 8:02 AM

Inappropriate Movie Moments… in Microsoft Paint, Vol. IX

15 Comments

November 21, 2013 · 7:21 AM