Do You Like The Human Centipede AND Dessert? Then This is The Blog For You!

By Andrew Blumetti

“Yes! I finally made it into this stupid blog!”

Four fantastic days into crisp October, and I hope your horror movie marathons are up and running just like they are over here.

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Scary movies are an odd sort.  Most are written off by critics as nothing more than shock-value rubbish.  There are a few of course, that cross that plateau into the land of cinematic legends.  Psycho, Alien, Night of the Living Dead, The Silence of the Lambs, and The Shining are all examples of that perfect combination of terror, shock, thrills, chills, and the rarest of them all- near universal critical acclaim.

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This is not about those. 

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2010’s Dutch horror sleeper, The Human Centipede (First Sequence), squirmed its way into worldwide cult infamy in all its shining mouth-to-bum glory.

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Delivered to us by writer/director Tom Six, and dubbed, “100% Medically Accurate”, The Human Centipede introduces us to a consistently non-smiling psychotic German surgeon who drugs and traps two vacationing American girls, (who are pretty dumb, even by horror movie standards) and an unlucky Japanese man in his giant, creepy German surgeon home, complete with a convenient giant, creepy German operating room in the giant, creepy German basement.

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It’s no-holds-barred as he proceeds to play out his twisted desire to surgically attach them in the most uncomfortable of positions, via one joined digestive track to create what he titles, “The Human Centipede”, connecting all three of them, you guessed it–  mouth-to-derrière.  It’s the perfect last first date movie …well if your sweetheart works full-time at a carnival freak show, or if every other movie is out of stock at Blockbuster.

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“Wait… there’s still Blockbusters around?!?  I never returned my copy of Kangaroo Jack!”

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As a horror film it was crude, vile, slightly brilliant, and mildly offensive to centipedes.  Not to mention, the trailer, with its deletions and re-additions, has pulled in nearly a combined 25 million views on YouTube.  Good job you sickies…

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Not one to rest on his stomach-turning laurels, Six revisited the Centipede world, with your mom’s favorite film of 2011, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence).  Originally banned in the UK, Australia and New Zealand upon release, this film, now deemed, “100% Medically Inaccurate”, was a revolting black-and-white tour de force of depravity, twisted humor, blood and guts, and the crème de la crème– a centipede one dozen people long.  That’s like the entire Brady Bunch family, Alice, Sam the Butcher, AND it still leaves room for two more.   Let’s not mince words, that’s a lot of rectal surgery.   In Six’s irony-free words, the grotesque sequel was created to make the first film “feel like My Little Pony” in comparison.

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I don’t know what he’s getting at, this Centipony was SIXTEEN ponies long!

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And because all good things come in threes, 2014 will bring us the long-awaited final piece of the detestable trilogy, The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence), set in a prison, featuring a rumored FIVE HUNDRED PERSON centipede and most horrifyingly of all, starring Eric Roberts.  In an interview with DreadCentral.com, Six gleefully promises the repugnant finale, will “make the last one look like a Disney film.” and “(is) going to upset a lot of people.”

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Pluto!  You’re the middle piece of the centipede!  Don’t worry, you don’t talk anyway!

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Not surprisingly, you probably want to send the kids to bed early before snuggling in with your sweetheart and a freshly-popped bag of popcorn to sit down and enjoy.  The audience for The Human Centipede films are mostly limited to horror hounds, gore lovers, and the kind of people who will peek under their Band-Aid to see how icky the gooey cut on their knee actually is.

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Best part is, if you can keep your lunch down while watching such wretched films, well then you’re gonna have plenty of room for delicious, sweet, sweet dessert.

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Well, unless the baker happens to be a big Centipede fan as well…

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OH FUDGE!

This brownie gem is a creation by Alice Rose Cakes & Cookies, your go-to bakery for all your messed-up surgery baked goods.

Just remember, dragging your feet on this gem will ruin your meal.  Better be fast to get some, those who are late to the party end up with the red digestive track to eat.

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CRAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Hey Alex, I hate to be the one to tell you this… your friends hate you.  I don’t even wanna imagine where the candles go in this thing.

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SPEND THIS CHRISTMAS WITH THE HUMAN SANTAPEDE!

Little known fact*:  In the original rendition of the English Christmas carol, “The Twelve Days of Christmas”, dating back to the 18th Century, there was an extra day penned on to the end of the listed group of days, totaling the amount to its original title, “The Thirteen Days of Christmas”.

After long thought, it was felt that due to the unlucky connotation of the number 13, the day should be dropped, thinning down the song to it’s now classic 12-day roundup, full of gifts of birds and dancing ladies.

Some other historians believe the real reason the song was thinned from its original baker’s dozen was because of this line in the song:

“On the thirteenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…  a gingerbread Human Centipede.”

“We can’t sing that. It’s gross.”

*This fact is total crap.

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GET READY TO TOSS YOUR COOKIES…

I bet these were a pain in the butt to make.

 

(RIMSHOT)

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WHAT A HALF-BAKED IDEA

 

Upon first glance, you may think these graphic cookies look trashy, but please note the curled-ribbon in the corner.  That makes them fancy.  Like the kind of Centipede cookies the Queen would nosh on.

 

“My dear… I wonder what it would be like to be the front piece??”

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I’D RATHER BE MUGGED…

You’d be surprised how fast Starbucks ran out of these collector’s mugs.  Don’t be shocked when your coffee tastes like crap though.

“Mary?!? Here’s your tall Carmel Macchiato, extra vanilla, extra steamed milk, served in a mouth-to-butt surgery mug.”

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THIS JUST TAKES THE CAKE!

Straight from the Cake Boss‘s ovens to your taste buds, this cake will make your sweet sixteen even sweeter.

Games to play at this birthday party:

• “Pin the Tail on the Person You’re Surgically Attached To”
• “Awkward Musical Chairs”
• “The Human Centipiñata“
• “Barfo Polo”

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MEET YOUR NEW FAVORITE GIRL SCOUT COOKIE…

 

Quick!  Do the humane thing and put the sad middle and end pieces of this cookiepede out of their misery.

“Five dollars?!?  When I was a kid, Human Centipede cookies cost a nickle!”

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WELL, THIS STINKS.

To you and me, this may look like the worst cake ever made in the history of mankind, but for a better idea, let’s go to the horse’s mouth and ask Birthday Boy, Mark Mallman, what his thoughts were on this unique cake:

– “I got three bites in before I vomited.  It was the best birthday ever!”

– “The wood was certainly not edible.  I don’t understand why they used wood on a cake.”

– “I thought these were the Rugrats characters, thank God for the ‘Human Centipede Birthday Cake’ label on the cake to clear that up.” 

– “I don’t know why my friends call me by my first AND last name.” 

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WELCOME BACK HOSTESS!

Woody Harrelson’s rough-and-tough character, Tallahassee, braved a nation of flesh-craving, undead cannibals, searching for the simple spongey deliciousness of a Twinkie in the hit comedy, Zombieland.

The tragic fate of this Twinkiepede would surely have brought a tear to ‘ol Tallahassee’s eyes.

“Those poor Twinkies never hurt anyone!”

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AND NOW, HUMAN CENTIPEDE BAKING WITH MARTHA STEWART…

“Hello friends.  Today, we’re going to take a page out of my new cookbook, “Heinous Baking with Martha”, creating everyone’s favorite surgically screwed-up dessert.  If it’s October, then it’s time to fill your home with the sweet aroma of our Human Centipede cupcakes. 

– First, make sure you iron your cloth napkins.  A Human Centipede cupcake on a wrinkled napkin just won’t do.  Don’t forget to polish your silverware as well, if you can see your reflection in it, your guests can see their smile as well.

– A lit candle with the wafting smell of cinnamon will fill your home with an autumnal aroma, a treat for your guests.

– Now, we’re going to use a fresh-made buttercream for our Centipede heads.   My secret?  Just a pinch of almond extract will make your mouth-to-tush baked treats the ones all the Trick-or-Treaters want to bite into this All Hallows’ Eve.

– Soft Red vine licorice will supply the touching look of dread we’re looking to place on these cupcakes. 

– Now, we can’t forget the delicious shared digestive-track, can we?   A simple line of licorice straight through the cake of all three will do the trick.

– Place your disgusting doomed treats on a hand-cut ornamental doily, and your ghoulish guests will be smiling all through the night. 

 

Join me next time, as we make my famous fruity Evil Dead blood punch with a garnish of fresh-picked celery stalks. “

Fridge Over Troubled Water!– Food That Looks Like Simon & Garfunkel

By Andrew Blumetti

(insert obnoxious microphone feedback)

Testing, testing… Hello hello all!

Let me be the first to wish a very happy Wednesday to all reading.

So how are all you excellent people in Blogland doing?   If I may say so myself, you’re all looking extra fantastic, as I hope this late September day is treating you not just super, but super-duperly.

I realize the title to this post seems particularly odd, (even by the standards of a blog that featured posts about both Kato Kaelin and Frankenberry last week) but your good buddy Blumes would like to have a split second of your time, to ask a quick favor of you.

Just a simple show of hands will do the trick, and we can get this show on the road.

Everyone currently reading who’s played a show at the famous Great Lawn in Central Park to half a million adoring fans, please raise your hand.

…

…

Ok, put your hand down you wisenheimers.

…well, unless you happen to be Paul Simon or Art Garfunkel, then by all means leave it up.

But I highly doubt that’s the case here though, Garfunkel is only a casual reader of my blog at best.

(In order of ascending height:  Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel, a fern, Art Garfunkel’s ‘fro.) 

The classic folk-pop duo of Simon & Garfunkel are universally heralded as one of the quintessential music acts of the 1960’s–  a decade already chock full of some of the most iconic and critically acclaimed music ever created.

They will forever be synonymous with 1967’s Dustin Hoffman-riffic cinematic gem, (wait… sorry, I meant this one) The Graduate, and sculpting the soundtrack of a changing generation at a turbulent time in American history, whose sugary-sweet harmonies, catchy-as-a-cold choruses, and gently strummed guitar chords resonate with listeners nearly five decades later.

Yes, simply stated, a man with a head of Brill-on-growth-hormones and his foot-shorter band-mate are truly an American musical treasure whose majestic voices will be their everlasting legacy.

The Hamburglar… UNMASKED!

Well, the general rule of this absurd blog is to take something of grandeur, unspeakable talent, and immense cultural success and pretty much give it a sloppy boys’ room swirlie and lower it to a fourth-grade level of humor.

So without any further koo-koo-ka-choo-ado, I now present “art of Art”…  a treat for both the ear and taste buds.  Let’s put the fun in Garfunkel, cause it’s…

“FOOD THAT LOOKS LIKE SIMON & GARFUNKEL”

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COURSE #1:  LEAVES THAT ARE GREEN

Sad but true, none of us are getting any younger, and as time goes by, we just can’t gobble down delicious Burger King every night anymore like we used to.  Do your aching body a favor and start your meal off right with nature’s vitamin-filled gift to us: healthy, fresh picked vegetables.

Plus, this veggie version of Simon and Garfunkel can help us remember the salad days of meaningful fork… err… folk rock.

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COURSE #2:  STILL CRAZY AFTER ALL THESE BEERS!

For those of you who scoff at the idea of a boring healthy salad, we’ve got a deep-fried treat for you…

Kick back at your favorite watering hole, order an ice-cold bottle of suds, some steaming hot Buffalo wings, and enjoy the kickoff in high-style with this tasty Sim-Funk treat.  Just make sure your favorite team doesn’t Garfumble. 

Blumes note:   Hooters, please call me or Paul Simon to work this idea into a promotion.  Or Hooters waitresses- you can call me too…  either way.

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COURSE #3:  TREATS AT THE SCARBOROUGH FAIR

As Autumn finally takes flight, evening chills kick in, replacing balmy summer’s flip flops and light shorts with warm, cozy sweatshirts and fuzzy slippers.

…but fret not warmth lovers, you don’t have to say adios to summer just yet when there’s this fluffy Garfunkel cotton candy and sticky Simon candy apple to keep you company, reminding you of festive carnival nights, deep into the chilly pumpkin season.

Can’t you just picture the greasy carnies and Tilt-a-Whirl of questionable quality already? 

 

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COURSE #4:  BAKERY BOOKENDS

Cavity alert! 

Notorious stick-in-the-mud, Dr. Oz, might condescendingly wave his junk-food-hating finger to warn you of this code-red caloric duo, but if your sweet tooth can resist this dessert-y Art and Paul, you’ve got more willpower than I do.

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COURSE #5:  THE SALTS OF SILENCE

Q:  What’s drier than the humor of a British-sitcom?

A:  Your parched throat when you scarf down endless handfuls of these delicious folky snacks.

Just don’t forget… once you pop, you can’t stop, especially if it’s these heavenly folded-up types of potato chips.   Simon says:  slow down!

 

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COURSE #6:  I AM A ROCKY ROAD

Now we all know where Joe Dimaggio went… to get some relief for a nasty brain freeze.

Tongue on the roof of your mouth Joe D., tongue on the roof of your mouth!

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Encore! Encore! I mean leftovers!

“Call me short ONE MORE TIME… I dare ya!”