My Favorite Super Bowls (That May or May Not Have Happened)

By Andrew Blumetti

Well, this certainly didn’t happen.

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February.

Talk about getting the most bang for your buck.  They really do pack a lot into a little month, don’t they?

In a mere twenty eight days, we’re graced with a bountiful bevy of winter celebration–  Valentine’s Day, Groundhog Day, President’s Day, Mardi Gras, Black History Month, Spring Training, and the most important of ‘em all (after Spring Training of course), there’s the great American holiday of Super Bowl Sunday, the biggest party since New Year’s Eve, only one month ago.

While granted, February’s short run is not as eventful as the unseen four weeks during 28 Days Later, but it makes me happy to celebrate my birthday during what would normally end up being a freezing, snowy, boring month with a girly-colored wuss birthstone.

Are you kidding me?

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Living in the greater New York area, especially within earshot of Giants Stadium (or MetLife Snoopy Stadium, or whatever it’s called now), the excitement, traffic, and overall buzz has been ramped up to a Spinal Tap-worthy 11 as the Denver Broncos go mono-a-mono with the Seattle Seahawks for all the gusto and glamor of gridiron glory.  It’s truly rocky vs. rainy in the Legal Marijuana Bowl.

Blumes note:  This offer still stands!  Now half price! 

But frankly, it’s Friday, January 31st, this is all old hat by now.

At this point, you’ve been endlessly bombarded with Super Bowl ads, magazine covers, news reports, cocky fans, and nonstop party planning for weeks now.  When Monday morning comes, and you’re more chili than man, you’ll undoubtedly know the Super Bowl had come and left its mark.

But that’s not who this article is for. 

Maybe you’re not a fan of hawks or horses, perhaps Richard Sherman’s post-game interview rubbed you the wrong way, or heck, or maybe you’re one of those people seriously considering a 7th Heaven marathon instead of football this weekend.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Your special teams for the Oakland Raiders!

Of course that doesn’t mean you won’t find yourself enjoying the festivities of Super Bowl Sunday.  Dr. Oz-unfriendly food, offensively expensive commercials (that always feature a baby doing something un-babyish), the sickeningly adorable Puppy Bowl, and trying to get your greased-up fingers to press the remote buttons to change the channel as Bruno Mars performs at halftime- this Sunday is a bombastic event that will please folks of all tastes.  …as evident by this walk down memory lane of some truly classic and heavily unorthodox Super Bowl games of yore.

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1. SUPER BOWL XXXII: BATMAN VS. STORMTROOPERS

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na SAFETY!

 

As John Madden once called it in a most clever anagram, “Capes vs. Space”, this battle royale pitted The Dark Knight vs. the Imperial Army for 60 minutes of a nerdtastic pigskin extravaganza.  After a first quarter that was heavy on the Big D, Commissioner Gordon’s 45 yard rush into the endzone to close out the first half put Team Gotham up on top.

No guts, no glory, as the ‘Troopers marched their way back in the 4th quarter.

The second half was a superhero explosion of history-making offense as holy touchdowns Batman!—  the Caped Crusader aired it out to the Boy Wonder (who took a time out from cheerleading) in the Gotham endzone.

But, when the going gets tough, the tough get going, as the Stormtroopers, with their armored backs against the wall, bounced back to tie the game as the 2-minute warning approached.  Coach Vader flipped a crap when an ill-timed interception by Alfred the Butler spelled death for the Star Wars crew with the Bats taking home the trophy to Gotham City with a score of 28-21.

Go Team! Arwwwwwaaaaaaaarrrrrrahahahahahhaahhhhaa!!!!

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2.  SUPER BOWL XI:  KISS BOWL  (AKA THE TOILET BOWL)

 

“I wanna hike the ball all night!”

And you thought the Jaguars were bad…

Nothing screams out “gridiron glory” like mime makeup and gaudy platform shoes on men, but that’s why the KISS bowl was so unique.

Walking embarrassment Gene Simmons bit his long cow tongue as he slipped on his own fake blood on no less than three occasions, turning the usually triumphant game into a fumble-filled lowlight reel.  Pain in the ace, Mr. Frehley, shanked four field goal attempts, and starchild, Paul Stanley?   Well, he might as well have been the MVP… for the other team.

Chest hair and touchdowns!  Not just for Joe Namath anymore!

As far as scoring went, it was Detroit Block City.  The spandexed makeuped-ones never did touch the endzone, as KISS went down in defeat to good taste 49-0.

The best worst part was that they weren’t even asked to play the halftime show.  That honor went to The Doobie Brothers.

The great part about being KISS, is you can sell any crap you want at the souvenir stands…

 

The epilogue to this heavy metal tale of the 100 yards:  KISS never did get back to the Super Bowl, but on the plus side, KISS never did get back to the Super Bowl.

That jersey has the actual number of KISS fans left on Earth.

 

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3.  SUPER BOWL XLV:  ZOMBIE BOWL

Let’s have a hand for the hometeam!

It may have been only three years ago, but who could forget when the undead took down scalpers stadium-wide and invaded the turf during the timeless showdown of the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers?

Turning Aaron Rodgers into an Aaron Rodgers kabob?  Transforming Clay Matthews into an undead Thor?  Sending “Big Ben” Roethlisberger to the sideline to finally get some brains?

It all happened.  I guess.

Indigestion from overindulging in extra hot Buffalo wings rendered Daryl and Michonne practically useless that Sunday.

While the gameplay may have been painfully lumbering and a bit lethargic at times, it was no worse than any given Cleveland Browns game on a random Sunday.

The “Running Dead” tried to bite Tim Tebow on the sidelines, but he was immune to it.

But if Broadway has taught us anything, (and I guess it has…) —  the show must go on, flesh eaters or not.

Time will tell us that the zombies vs. zombies Super Bowl was a tad gory, maybe too confusing at times, and it may have taken five days to finish, but in the end, it was much less traumatizing than the Black Eyed Peas halftime show.

4th Down of the Dead!

 

One would be safe to assume the zombie apocalypse and certain doomsday would put a damper on the game’s festivities, with all the undead cannibalism and spilled guts, but the TV ratings reached an all-time high.  The NFC z-team ended up hoisting the Vince Lombardi Trophy, rotting limbs and all, bringing it back to frigid Green Bay where decaying slows down like Kirstie Alley’s metabolism.

THE ZOMBIES HAVE BECOME HIDEOUS!

The trophy had to be immediately sent out to be cleaned and shined due to the high volume of blood on it …on a weekly basis.

(On a positive note, in the zombie onslaught, Steelers safety Troy Polamalu was attacked, but escaped by a “hair”.)

Parking was tighter than George Costanza’s wallet…

…but the tailgating was awesome!

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4.  SUPER BOWL XLII:  THE RETURN OF BUD BOWL

 

 

Eli vs. Tom- buds for life!

 

For those too young to remember, the Bud Bowl was an early 90’s stop-motion beer bottle football tour de force that found its home during commercial breaks, squeezed in between multi-million dollar ads for Crystal Pepsi and The Bodyguard soundtrack.  It was a kick-glass all-out brawl between Budweiser and Bud Light.  Even as a long retired campaign, for me, that fateful Sunday in 2008 always be the year that the suds saved football.

Hut, hut… HOPS!!!

 

Phoenix, AZ–  When a thunderous monsoon that would’ve knocked over human brick wall, Howie Long, hit, it kept planes grounded and prevented both the Pats and G-Men from making their way into warm, sunny Arizona, the NFL pooped their britches, panicked and pooped them some more.

“But I wanna go on the PLAAAANNEE!!”

Sadly, cancelling the big game seemed like the only choice left, seeing as how there was no way to get the unfortunate stranded teams into the balmy city in time.  Luckily, the answer was only a bar away…

Long dead since 1997, a time when candy-lovin’ alternarock trio Marcy Playground was brimming with untapped potential, the beer bottles were called off the bench as Bud Bowl sat in as the substitute teacher for the real teams.   It was truly like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but for drunks.

“My nose is red cause I’m half in the bag!”

The bottles tossed on the teams’ uniforms, and no one in the massive Arizona crowd was the wiser.  Nearly sixty minutes of play time and we all know what happened next-   Ale-I Manning to Beer David Tyree (what a good pick in the draft), the miraculous helmet catch, and a near-perfect season for New England ended in an 18-1 conclusion, as the bottled Big Blue were swimming in confetti in the Big Apple soon after.

No feelings were bottled-up in this game…

Understandably, in Massachusetts, spirits were wicked low, and where did they go?  To a bar of course.  NORM!

“Sammy, I’ve told you for years that beer saves all.”

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5.  SUPER BOWL XLIV: GAME MVP- ABE LINCOLN

Four Scores!  … and seven years ago.

 

For a few brief hours, the “L” in NFL stood for Lincoln.

We all know Abraham Lincoln was a president, emancipator, and a vampire hunter, but do you remember Abe’s big-time appearance in the Super Bowl?

The bearded one was called in to play when Peyton Manning had to leave the game early to film an impromptu Kraft Macaroni and Cheese commercial.   He ran out, flying past the cheerleaders, zooming by the mascots, with the glisten of anger in his eyes, sweat on his brow, and a chin beard so mighty, the heavens above stopped to gaze in majestic awe.

The stovetop hat was thrown down, the shoulder pads were thrust on, and that pigskin flew like you wouldn’t believe.  It was going perfect, until… clumsy ox Drew Brees went down with a pulled hamstring on the slippery turf.  And being the helpful chap he is, ‘ol Honest Abe took the reigns and stood in for him as well, changing uniforms as the Colts defensive squad ran out.

He abolished the slaves, and demolished the Colts…

As the clock struck zero, the Big Easy soon was celebrating with the sounds of jazz and firey-cajun food up the wazoo as Abe Lincoln received an early birthday gift- a declaration as Super Bowl MVP.

It was rumored plentiful posterior-ed socialite Kim Kardashian emancipated her relationship with then-Saints running back, Reggie Bush, that night to lock lips with the sixteenth prez.

And how did A-Linc become so good at football? 

Just how you get to Carnegie Hall…  Practice.

Note:  Sadly, Lincoln’s pro-career was cut short the following pre-season when Ravens linebacker John Wilkes Booth broke Lincoln’s legs.

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Enjoy your Super Bowl weekend!  As usual, please Fed-Ex any uneaten chicken wings to me. 

The Drink Knight: The Saga of Super Grover and Gatorade

By Andrew Blumetti

“I am whatever Sesame needs me to be.”

 

Ringo Starr…

Judy Winslow…

The guys in Aerosmith who aren’t Steven Tyler or Joe Perry…

Sometimes you’re just that guy.

There’s a street, and while the name screams out a magical land of bagel toppings, it’s actually a place where jovial fur-covered monsters teach us our ABC’s, our 123’s, and the importance of sharing a bathtub with just that special rubber ducky.

♪  Can you tell me how to get… how to get to Sesame Street?  ♪

Practice, practice, practice, and stick your hand up a puppet’s keister. 

Too bad there’s only so many colors in the rainbow, because if you reside at 123 in the brownstone-laden land of Sesame Street, and you’re the blue monster who’s not Cookie Monster, then you’re that guy.  And your name is Grover.

“What does ‘nom-nom’ even mean?!?”

I Got the Sesame Street Blues

While loveable and time-tested, being the second most popular blue Muppet means naturally, you’re gonna lash out to be noticed.   So, when everyone and their grandmother is waxing poetic over that gravel-voiced, pre-diabetic Oreo-muncher, you spill some soup, toss out contractions completely from your vocabulary, pop on a cape, and hurl yourself out the window, cause you’re the redheaded blueheaded stepchild, and you’re getting some attention, come cookies or high water.

Enter, SUPER GROVER

He’s loveable, he means well, and he crashes more often than the Obamacare website.   Heck, he even took time out of his busy schedule to protect our Thanksgiving from evil tryptophan and blowout Detroit Lions games.

Soaring like an eagle, Super Grover protects the skies of Gotham… on Turkey Day.

And if by this point something just looks slightly familiar about Super Grover, replenish those lost electrolytes and take a gander at this, gander-takers…

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There’s a storm a-brewin’ and the forecast calls for a 100% chance of lightning bolts.  They’re flashing all over Sesame Street and they’re leaving huge smoking craters all over the football field.  This is a chicken-and-egg situation so gigantic, it’s like Big Bird squated his feathery-yellow self down and popped out a massive omelette right in front of us.

“Snuffy, breakfast is on me today!”

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Be Like Mike

Simple answer to this origin… history lesson!   But unfortunately, this thirst-quenching quest isn’t really that cut and dry…

Gatorade, America’s most popular sports drink, founded on the campus of The University of Florida in 1965, and currently owned by PepsiCo., has incorporated the lightning bolt into it’s advertising since 1970.   Despite that, with a number of logo redesigns, it wasn’t until 2009 that the current “G-Series” logo was introduced with the bolt included.

Super Grover, the alter-ego of the Sesame Street character was introduced in the 1970’s, and used the “G” logo similar to the Gatorade font for decades, but it wasn’t until a 2010 re-branding that a lightning bolt was added to his costume.

So, while Gatorade was the first to use the lightning bolt, at the same time, Sesame Street can lay claim to the “G”.  All of this nonsensical circular research is really enough to make you feel winded and sweaty.

“After all of this flying, I am going to need many sips of Riptide Rush to feel quenched!”

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Lemon Lime or Lemon LIES?!?

So, if no one can officially produce concrete proof of placing their flag into the soil, it sunk in… maybe this is some kind of clever tie-in?  Maybe coincidences are for squares… Cahoots!  Cahoots I say!

After contacting both parties involved, here’s what I received back:

OFFICIAL STANCE FROM GATORADE/PEPSI CO.:

Andrew:

Thanks for writing to us. While I can’t comment on other consumer feedback, I can tell you that there is no official tie in between Gatorade and Super Grover.

I hope this helps.

Jenny
Gatorade Consumer Relations
A Division of PepsiCo

(sent on January 5, 2014)

OFFICIAL STANCE FROM SESAME STREET/THE JIM HENSON COMPANY:

No reply.   (as of January 10, 2014)

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Well, crap.

“All of this reading and things are still fishy!”

So, all that work, and where does that bring us?

Gatorade can weave a clever yarn, but it’s impossible to overlook these little coincidences…

• As recently as 2011, Sesame Place ran an on-can promotion with Pepsi, Gatorade’s parent company…

Well, I guess there has to be some kind of reward for suffering through a can of Diet Pepsi…

• Sesame Street characters, Elmo and Abby Cadabby appeared in a segment with Los Angeles Laker, Kobe Bryant, who has appeared in Gatorade commercials as recently as last year…

“Elmo help fix Kobe’s broken knee!”

• Last year, Diet Pepsi used actress Sofia Vergara in a campaign.  Sofia Vergara is essentially evolving into a giant, jiggly, impossible-to-understand, cartoonish Colombian Muppet as each day passes. 

“I love PEEEEEPSI, and being on SEEEEEESSSSAME STEEEEEET.”

 

With Sesame’s tight-lipped stance, perhaps we’ll never know if this sports beverage and this puppet superhero are in bed together.  Despite what Gatorade’s official statement is, like it or lump it, kids plopped in front of the tellie will know that lightning bolt, and when they cramp up on the soccer field this spring, we all know what beverage they’ll be handed first.   To quote Ned Flanders, while this remains foggy, I’ll remain a bit of a “Suspocious Aloysius”.

In a year’s time, when we’re treated to “Grover Grape” flavor Gatorade, we’ll all know where that marriage began.

Looks like Oscar’s flavor is still not confirmed yet.

Holy Batcrap! Batman Forever was Pure Guano

By Andrew Blumetti

Na na na na na na na na …. SATIRE!!!

Congratulations Ben Affleck, you broke the freakin’ internet.

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THE BAD NEWS:  It’s been nearly three weeks since comic book fanboys’ heads simultaneously exploded into a giant pile of goo upon the news that Ben Affleck would don the black cowl as beloved superhero, Batman, in the 2015 follow-up to Zack Snyder’s Superman tale, Man of Steel.

THE GOOD NEWS:  Shockingly, not one date with an actual girl had to be cancelled because of it.

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All hoopla aside, Affleck honestly doesn’t seem like a terrible choice per say, but perhaps it’s just a bit too soon to let another Bruce Wayne into our lives.

So, since we all have to live together for the next two years, maybe there’s hope yet to temper all those Batfans’ historical hissy fits and uncalled-for attacks against the innocent Aflac Duck.

Stop egging my house!  You’ve got the wrong guy!  

 

How will I accomplish this daunting task you say?

Well, thank you for asking, this article would go nowhere without it.  Here, take my hand (you don’t actually have to) and follow me for a walk down Bat-movie memory lane. Look a little closer, and you’ll see, when you don’t reminisce with rose-colored glasses, it could be worse…

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Let’s take flight with Batman: The Movie, the 1966 film adaptation of the popular Adam West Batman series.  It’d be over two decades before we’d see the Caped Crusader on the big screen again, as 1989 brought us Tim Burton’s Batman, the original big-name blockbuster with Michael Keaton as the title character and anchored by Jack Nicholson’s landmark performance as The Joker.  Its sequel, 1992’s Batman Returns, was the darker and disturbingly satisfying follow-up to the Gotham tale.  Things took a massive turn to Stupidville with 1997’s Batman & Robin—  the jalopy clunker on a massive scale, an all-too obvious red-headed stepchild that all involved are still trying to sever ties with.

The franchise rebooted eight years later in 2005 with Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins, a critically-celebrated origin story of Bruce Wayne’s ascent to Gotham’s dark savior.  2008’s follow-up, The Dark Knight, was the golden goose of the bunch–  a box office sensation, an across-the-board success with critics, and Academy Award winner, bringing home an Oscar for the late Heath Ledger’s hypnotic performance as the clown prince of crime.  The last piece of the puzzle was revealed with 2012’s The Dark Knight Rises, an epic and interwoven rollercoaster ride which capped off Nolan’s gritty and uncompromising trilogy.

In just five short years, The Dark Knight has been regarded as the apex of what comic book films can aspire to be, but on the other side of the coin, it’s Batman & Robin that is universally vomited at, the true rotten tomato.

The 1997 flick was a flop of Gigli proportions (I’m looking at you again Affleck), complete with bat ice skates, a “Bat Visa card”, and more putrid Mr. Freeze puns than you can shake a frozen stick at. A turd in the punchbowl of such epic proportions, it literally cancelled Batman Triumphant, the proposed fifth film in the series.  Unfortunately, Speed 2 had already tested the public’s already-thin patience on garbage sequels that year, and Planet Earth was not amused, giving the film the ultimate cold shoulder.

(Crap!  Now I’m freeze-punning.)

But let’s not forget, the Fonz needed to ramp up speed before the big launch… in other words, you gotta find that launching pad to jump over the shark somewhere.

Enter 1995’s Batman Forever.

Released in the heart of the steamy ’95 summer film season, it was the third film of the Tim Burton-established series, but the first that he was not the director of, and the first to not feature Michael Keaton as the Caped Crusader.  The film was seen as a blatant 180-degree turn from 1992’s austere Batman Returns with its noticeably heightened levels of campiness and slick coating in a healthy sheen of bubblegum comic book whimsy.

While not necessarily a bad film, but Forever??  Really?

Let’s hope that title isn’t literal, because Father Time already has already flipped the off-switch on the bat signal of this lemon.

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Why so serious Val? 

First hurdle–   How to fill those giant fan-favorite Keaton boots?

Hurdle solver– When all the boards of lumber in Home Depot kindly turned down the part, Schumacher found the next best thing– Val Kilmer.

V-Kilm was the lucky actor cast to fill the bat-void following Michael Keaton’s displeasure with the direction of the film following Tim Burton’s exit.  He accepted the part, script unseen, and Warner Bros. signed him with little hesitation as Kilmer’s name came with a strong resume and proven box office results–  His role as Jim Morrisson in Oliver Stone’s The Doors earned universal critical acclaim, as did his portrayal as cowboy gunslinger, Doc Holliday, in the 1992 hit, Tombstone.

“Dear Val,

Considering I played Batman for nearly half the film, you owe me half your paycheck.  You’ll hear from my lawyer soon. 

Sincerely,

Foam head in a Batman mask”

Harsh?  Maybe, but c’mon, rarely has a more stiff on-screen performance been given by just a visible pair of lips and a chin.  Granted, historically, a bubbly personality has never been The Dark Knight’s forte, but propped-up corpse, Bernie, from Weekend at Bernie’s had much more panache.

It’s also been reported Kilmer was allegedly a terror on set, often butting heads with Schumacher and crew.

…and the batsuit created for Batman and Robin often gets the blame for the infamous and very unnecessary “bat nipples”, but this Batman Forever bat-nip-slip-pic’s worth a thousand words.

“Commissioner Gordon said he’d pierce them for me for free!”

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RIDDLE ME THIS!! 

– What’s sillier and less necessary than Bat nipples?

Well that answer is Robin nipples.

– Now riddle me this!  What’s sillier and less necessary than Robin nipples?

Well, that’d be the dingus attached to them, Robin.

There’s a reason Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale both stated their strong stance against including the Boy Wonder in the grittier Dark Knight trilogy.

He lays an egg.

(rimshot)

“Holy donuts Batman, now there’s puns about ME!”

 

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Between acting and reaching things on high shelves for then-husband, Tom Cruise, the 90’s were a crazy whirlwind for Nicole Kidman.

Given that fact, she’ll only get half the blame for playing Dr. Chase Meridian, a psychologist who falls in love with both a billionaire playboy and his black rubber suit secret persona.

Through only minor fault of Kidman, the weak-written Chase Meridian was instantly forgettable, as she lacked the sultry charisma of Michelle Pfeiffer’s Selina Kyle or the ear-shattering vocal pipes of Kim Basinger’s Vicki Vale.

Blumes note:  According to Wikipedia, “Her name is a play on words; as a psychologist in love with Batman/Bruce Wayne, she is constantly “chasing” the psychological “middle” of her lover, Bruce Wayne/Batman, seeking to reconcile his two halves into one complete lover.”*

*I am not responsible for any vomit that may have hit your computer while reading that drivel. 

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Here is the first of the two Bat-foes in Foe-ever Forever–  coin-flippin’, split personality ruffian, Two-Face, portrayed by Academy Award winner, Tommy Lee Jones.

Yes, this was the man deemed exciting enough to play a villain that wore a “Peg Bundy on crack” suit, complete with a tie that all too closely resembles Fred Flintstone’s giant cheetah-print moo-moo.

Blumes Trivia:  To make said half of said animal-print suit, costume designers broke into a zoo, captured and killed:

1. A leopard

2. A zebra

3. A different kind of pink zebra

4. Your fat drunk uncle in NFL Zubaz gear

Decked out with a freakishly sour makeup job that resembles something out of Troll 2, Two-Face represents the ying and yang of the human psyche and the criminal mind, blah, blah, blah…

Secretly, what we were all wondering is how Billy Dee Williams (who played Harvey Dent in 1989’s Batman) magically turned into a white guy to play the evil Two-Face in this film.

I’m as shocked as you are that this guy was able to catch The Fugitive.

 

“We’re upset we weren’t considered for Two-Face’s neon-gun toting, spandex wearing thugs.”

                                                                                                                                          -The Village People

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BREAKING NEWS!   With 95% of the precincts reporting, we can confidently report that the winner of this year’s “Most Painfully Flamboyant Costume” goes to: 

(wait for it…)

THE FLYING GRAYSONS!

Come up and accept your award!  You’ve earned it!

Ohhhhhhhh no.  Cut to commercial!

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A glow stick?!? Get out of Gotham and go back to your rave Drew Berrymore.

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Batman Forever Topps candy!

This was the second highest selling snack of the year, right behind “Showgirls Snickers”, but just ahead of  “Se7en’s What’s in the Box?!?  Milk Duds”.

Blumes Note:  If you can stomach 18-year old novelty candy, a cool four bucks will currently score you a set of these on eBay.

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… and last but certainly least, every red-blooded female’s dreamboat in spandex, Mr. Jim Carrey, as the puzzling punctuation-printed prince of poppycock, The Riddler, who almost lost the part…

To this guy…

“My ampersand tuxedo is at the dry cleaners!”

 

Jason Vorhees may have slaughtered camps, and Ernest may have gone to one, but in Batman Forever, Jim Carrey brought the camp, and he brought it hardcore. His slapstick shtick, madcap Robin Williams-on-caffeine antics, and overall Jim Carreyness seemed miles and miles away from the monochromatic, gray gothic world Tim Burton erected during his tenure manning the USS Batman .

…and just in case you forgot The Mask, Ace Ventura, or Dumb and Dumber, Jim Carrey wants to remind you he can make Silly Putty-ish faces…

again…

and again…

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Lemons, brace yourself… you’re about to become lemonade…

It’s often been said a blind squirrel will occasionally find a nut, and lucky for us,  Batman Forever’s soundtrack was an acorn hiding under a soggy leaf.

Despite rampant overplaying on radio and MTV, Seal’s “Kiss From a Rose”  was the marquee song, but between U2’s hit “Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me”, plus tracks by PJ Harvey, Sunny Day Real Estate, Mazzy Star, Massive Attack, The Flaming Lips, The Offspring and Nick Cave, who had time to listen to Mr. Ex-Heidi Klum anyway?

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Well, that’s it folks.

Despite the blogular swirley it just received, perhaps we should be thanking Batman Forever.  Without it causing the proverbial wheels to fall off the original franchise, we wouldn’t eventually have been rewarded with Christopher Nolan’s superb Dark Knight trilogy a decade later.

And if you think I’m being a bat-bully and too hard on the movie, don’t worry… Confession time- I still own it on VHS.

Yes, I know it’s shocking that I’m still single.

 

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– Will there ever be another Bat film like it? 

– Will we ever have to suffer through Robin again? 

– Are Billy Dee Williams and Tommy Lee Jones related?  Are Tommy Lee Jones and Tommy Lee related?

– Will Ben Affleck call Val Kilmer for advice on the role?  

– Will anyone buy the old eBay candy? 

Find out next time… SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT CHANNEL…

BAM!   POW!   KAPLOP!   ZWOG!    GNOSH!   STINKAROO!

Sad Character Ice Pops: A Tearjerker

By Andrew Blumetti

Ruff Ruff!

That’s the sound of the dog days of summer coming upon us, sizzling, sultry hot days that grab on, pump up the mercury, and won’t let go.

Luckily, we can kick Mother Nature in her butt with our first-world remedies.  Pools are ready for obnoxious cannonballers, soaking sprinklers are begging to be run through, and air conditioners are blasting an arctic-y full force that could keep a week-old cadaver intact.

Although if you’re like me, and you haven’t seemed to mature out of the third grade, you’re not too proud to grab a couple dead prezzies when you hear that ice cream truck’s joyful music coming down your street (plus, everyone knows food out of a truck always tastes better anyway).  The walls of faded pictures triple-scotch-taped to the side of the truck are full of perennial favorites you hope they have in stock- Bomb Pops, Choco Tacos, ice cream sandwiches, snow cones… boy howdy, it’s almost overwhelming.

When those tried-and-true favorites just seem a little vanilla, why not fight off that sweaty tubby kid next to you and grab the last character-ice pop instead?  They’re truly the apex of a fun chilled treat.  Plus, there’s that added bonus of opening the package and getting a nice chuckle when they end up looking like this…

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-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Michelangelo goes to the looney bin:

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– This vampire Spongebob gives new meaning to the word “suck”:

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– Creepy stalker Dora knows where you live ……(long pause)…

—————————————————————-

-Na na na na na na na na Crapman!!!  This was after a scuffle with Mr. Freeze:

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-Super Mario may be the money name, but Luigi wouldn’t have pulled this:

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– Wolverine and Spiderman- my Spidey sense is melting!

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-This Powerpuff Girl will most likely kill you while you sleep:

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– See what running around all those loops does to you Sonic?

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– Darth Vader’s cameo in 28 Days Later ended up on the cutting room floor:   

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-Snoopy’s face looks like a Picasso Cubism painting.  Kids don’t care about that:

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-HULK MELT!   I MEAN, SMASH!!!

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– We now know that Tweety Bird is just a yellow skull with blue eyes:

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-Pink Panther needs an exorcism!

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– Normally Pokemon’s slogan is to “catch ’em all”.  We’ll pass this time:

:

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-King Kong is made out of “gorilla berry” flavor.  Between you and me, I honestly didn’t know that was a flavor.

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– Man, not even the summer sun ruins Jimmy Neutron’s killer pompadour…

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– This Bratz ice pop is hypnotizing in the most frightening way…

 

Some photos courtesy of Meredith Allen.