A Very McRib Halloween!

Written and illustrated by Andrew Blumetti BOOMETTI

Holy moly on toast, we’re finally here!

Before our mouths start watering for delicious turkeys and the stores become packed to the brim with mistletoe and holly, we still have enough gas in the tank for one last spooky blast on this lovely October 31st.

But… well… did you notice something is a bit different?   Call me nuts, but I’ve got that sinking feeling something just doesn’t feel totally right.  Kind of like when Urkel’s voice hit puberty and that squeak of his soon morphed into a sound one would best describe as an alley cat vomiting on top another alley cat vomiting on a hobo being run over by a street sweeper playing Nickelback at full volume.

Let’s do a checklist…

1. Bags of candy are ready for the trick-or-treaters?  CHECK.
2. Is my Halloween display is at full tilt?  CHECK.
3. Have I now eaten all of said bags of candy, leaving the trick-or-treaters crap outta luck?  DOUBLE CHECK.

Well, that survey is clearly air tight… so why does it feel like something’s simply off this October?  Reminds me of when they switched Harleys on Boy Meets World for one episode, not thinking we’d even notice.

“Dear Adam Scott, please get me an autograph from Ron Swanson.“
Thank you,
Original Harley

Wait a pumpkin pickin’ minute…

EUREKA!  Much like Catherine O’Hara finally realizing she left Kevin McCallister at home by himself for Christmas, it’s hit me!

WHERE’S THE FREAKIN’ McRIB?!?

It’s been an oh-so tasty October tradition for years as those McDonald’s golden arches become a bit more greasy shinier when our collective mouthbuds salivate in all their fast food barbecue-y glory at the sight of this limited-time-menu item.

Never before have sauce-slathered pork, pickles and onions created such a rabid cult following, as rib-heads chase this high-caloric thing around the country as if Jerry Garcia was wailing away on it with his nine-and-a-half fingers.

Wait, I’M Jerry Garcia?!?  Man, am I fried! 

Usually, the phantom sandwich nestles it’s way into our beating hearts for just a few short delicious weeks, eventually rushing back into hibernation for another agonizing 11-months that we have to live with just stupid regular food.

In 2012, the Mickey-D’s powers-that-be ponderously decided to delay the McRib’s usual autumn release until December, to strengthen a usually slow-sales period, help anticipation grow, and make Santa even fatter. 

So far, the porkless wait is excruciating as this fall seems to be following the same test-your-fast food-patience pattern as last year, although according to Facebook’s McRib Locator, this currently flatlined ribless-autumn may finally have a blip of a heartbeat as elusive scattered McRib sightings have started showing up in select states. Hopefully leading into what hopefully will be a full-scale release before year’s end so I won’t have to keep writing weekly angry letters to the Hamburglar.

So, it makes you wonder… with all this newly-found time off, just how has the McRib been spending his downtime this Halloween season?

Lucky for us, the aggressive paparazzi never sleeps a wink, and being the invasive monsters they are, TMZ happened to snap a few pictures of just what happens when mass-produced pork has the time of its McLife.

Strap in folks, things are gonna get saucy …

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• You can believe McRib’s shaking in his boots watching things go bump in the night in during a Paranormal Activity marathon…

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• Everyone knows no Halloween season is complete without going all horror punk and blasting some Misfits.
• His playlist:

1. “HyRIB Moments”
2. “Return of the Fries”
3. “We Are 13-Ate”
   

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• One cult following meets another as McRib crossdresses and hits up a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show…

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• The horror!   Ribby’s spilled his Dunkin’ Donuts pumpkin coffee!!

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• Too many Snickers!!   C’mon McRib, lay off the Halloween candy!

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• Finally, no proper Halloween is complete without spookin’ your McDonald’s brethren as the McRib zombie.  Behold… THE WALKING BREAD!!!
  

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Have a safe, happy, and sugary Halloween everyone!  It’s been a fun month, and a blast to celebrate with all of you.  Catch ya in November!

–Andrew

T.G.I.F. COURT

By Andrew Blumetti

It’s been said that even God rested one day.

Well, back in the early 1990’s, network channel ABC pretty much worked only one day, and that was Friday.

Sandwiched right between NBC’s “Must See TV” Thursdays, and Nickelodeon’s Saturday night party known as “SNICK”, was ABC’s Friday night family-oriented sitcom-o-rama known as “TGIF”.

Standing for “Thank Goodness it’s Funny”, it is a virtual hall of fame for any feel-good, canned-laughter 90’s show that ended on an incredibly schmultzy ending.  Fun to watch, and great for a laugh or three, TGIF was a must for any tween sportin’ new Reebok Pumps and neon slap bracelets.

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Catch-22 (kach-twen-te-too)  n: a problematic situation for which the only solution is denied by a circumstance inherent in the problem or by a rule.

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Shows based around families work on many levels.  They appeal to a spectrum of ages, they’re safe to watch so parents love ‘em, they usually include some heartfelt life lesson, and without fail, feature lots of adorable kids along for the ride.

Though that’s where the problem occurs.

The beauty and charm of animated classics, The Simpsons and South Park. is that the adorable characters don’t age, causing their golden years to last that much longer.

Unfortunately that stroke of fortune eludes the TGIF bunch.  Shows that lean so heavily on kids are chock full o’ cuteness, but cuteness also fades as once cherub-faced kiddies hit that butt-ugly brick wall of puberty, subsequently turning into gawky, awkward teenagers, killing the show’s original chemistry. Somehow, hearing Urkel’s trademark squeaky voice go sour and seeing Stephanie Tanner hanging out with the troublemakers in the girls’ room didn’t really go over so seamlessly as network execs hoped.

Now, not to say all the TGIF kids are to blame, but when they grew up, well the house got fuller and family seemed to matter a little less on Friday night television.

Well, when you want justice, you go to People’s Court or Judge Judy… but they were busy.  So it’s time to bring these sitcom juvies to justice…  it’s time for:
TGIF COURT:

DEFENDANT #1:  Cory Matthews (played by Ben Savage)

SHOW:  Boy Meets World

CHARGES:  Being a Savage brother who wasn’t Fred, numerous counts of acting like a teenage version of an crotchety old Jewish man stereotype, teen melodrama up the wazoo, continued fudging of the origins of relationship with main squeeze, Topanga

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  Life sentence of Brillo hair

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DEFENDANT #2:  Steven Q. Urkel (played by Jaleel White)

SHOW:  Family Matters

CHARGES:  Jumping every shark possible:  (going into space, turning into a MAD FREAKIN’ SCIENTIST, pretending to be Elvis Presley, giving the world the yuck… “Urkel Dance“, continued obsession with uppity Laura Winslow, and two unforgivable words:  Stefan Urquelle)

VERDICT:  GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY!!!

PUNISHMENT:  Having to look like Stefan Urquelle for the rest of his life.

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DEFENDANT #3:  Brendan Lambert (played by Josh Byrne)

SHOW:  Step By Step

CHARGES:  Forgettable doughy schlub

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  Being unceremoniously written off show.  Plus, he turned into this:

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DEFENDANT #4:  Stephanie Tanner (played by Jodie Sweetin)

SHOW: Full House

CHARGES:  Major case of sass mouth- How rude!

VERDICT:  GUILTY AS ALL HECK

PUNISHMENT:  Forever to be known as “The Full House girl with the meth addiction”.

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DEFENDANT #5:  Nicole Lee  (played by Raven Symone)

SHOW:  Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper

CHARGES:  Being on Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  Charges dropped, career still intact

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DEFENDANT # 6:  Baby Sinclair (voiced by Kevin Clash)

SHOW: Dinosaurs

CHARGES:  Assault with a frying pan… or something, I forget the show.

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  Jurassic Park taking over America’s dino love causing everyone to remember this show as a prehistoric ALF.  Clash spent years with his hand up Elmo’s fuzzy red butt, and that doesn’t even crack the top ten in reasons why he’s now an unemployed creep.

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DEFENDANT #7:  Judy Winslow (played by  Jamiee Foxworth)

SHOW:  Family Matters

CHARGE:  Disappearing from series while her family acted like she never existed (the writers corrected guessed no one would notice).  Her one token line per show wasn’t helping things either.

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  Ouch.  We have a nice heap of lemons not being made into lemonade for Jamiee.  Take your pick- years of substance abuse or becoming an adult film star known as “Crave”.

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DEFENDANT #8:  Kimmy Gibbler (Played by Andrea Barber)

SHOW:  Full House

CHARGES:  Boney, annoying neighbor. plus annoying actress happens to have the same initials as me.

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  While researching, this headline was found:  “ANDREA BARBER HOSTS DRAG QUEEN BINGO”.  That is punishment enough.

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DEFENDANT # 9:  Al Lamber (played by Christine Lakin)

SHOW: Step By Step

CHARGES:  TV didn’t need more tomboys

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  Community service working on movies with train-wrecks, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.

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DEFENDANT #10:  Eddie Winslow (played by Darius McCary)

SHOW:  Family Matters

CHARGES:  Notice the clothes in that picture?  That’s a mild example of Ed’s mustard-y early 90’s wardrobe.  Homeboy perpetually dressed like the Minnesota Vikings in a blender.

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  The way he died in Saw VI pretty much covers it.