Tag Archives: bugs

Courtney Love… Love!

By Andrew Blumetti

 

She gives love a bad name.

Correction, make that the worst name.

image

Much like Carmen Sandiego, I’ve snuck around the world, from Kiev to Carolina, and during that traveled time, I’ve taken down a tally of near billions, and the collected results are as followed:

As a general human population, we all can’t stand Courtney Love. 

 

“Do it Rockapella!”

And honestly, why should we?  She’s astonishingly crass, inordinately offensive, and is the proud owner of an un-angelic singing voice that one can only be likened to that of Jonestown cats committing mass suicide.

Simply put, Courtney Love is 10,000 spoons, and all we need is a knife.

 

“There’s two things I hate: Incorrect silverware… and Dave Coulier.”– Alanis Morissette

 

But by George, you gotta give that hay-haired nutjob credit where credit is due.

Back when current flavor-of-the-month downward-spiralers, Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes, and Justin Bieber were dooking their silk diapers, Love was already America’s celebrity Titanic.  She’s literally the closest thing to the human equivalent of Will Smith’s After Earth we’ve seen with our own two eyes.

But take a second to look at her lengthy track record of awful consistency— we’re talking over twenty years of being a flat-out mess of a person… that’s a train-wreck spanning some part of three decades folks.

Alright, alright, I know what you’re thinking-   that’s not really impressive per say, it’s more flat-out jerky.  Of course, I can’t blame you for thinking like that.

Feast your eyes on her infamous rap sheet… in Night Court. 

(rimshot)

 

 

“GUILTY on all counts of bad jokes!”

 

So, Why All the Courtney Love Hate?

She spent the majority of the 90’s with more drugs in her system than Tom Hanks in the last half hour of Philadelphia, her estranged daughter, Frances Bean Cobain, won’t give her the time of day, she’s started wars with former members of Nirvana, mounted a failed comeback of her band, Hole (without her band, Hole), and for the cherry on top of this crap sundae, she may or may not have sent a shotgun shell through her late husband’s blonde noggin…

 

…or so Pat Smear would have you believe.

image

Quit looking so coy, Smear.

 

She’s kicked-up juvenile feuds with Madonna, Marilyn Manson, Billy Corgan, Gwen Stefani, and Kelly Osbourne, abruptly cancelled tours with the breakneck consistency in which Michael Moore cancels diets, and rubbed most likely half the earth’s population the wrong way with her historically sour attitude.   Seriously, Gwen Stefani?  The poor girl spends half of her free time walking into spiderwebs, let her be.

But if the miserable green Grinch with his curly elf toes in the fluffy Whoville mountain snow, and his (likely unhealthy) sudden heart growth has taught us anything, it’s this:  time heals all wounds.   Maturation is only natural– Father Time helps us tenderize, and maybe once notoriously-nasty Courtney has sewed up her ripped stockings, 86’ed those rusty heroin syringes in the dumpster, hung up her vomit-covered babydoll dresses, and isn’t that same rageful alterna she-beast anymore.

Courtney puts new meaning to the term, “Live Through This”.

 

It’s easy to just assume abrasive Courtney kicks cute puppies, steals loose string beans at the supermarket, and voted for Taylor Hicks to win American Idol…  She’s just like that, right?

You wish.  Time to open your heart and bust out your Kleenex, because perhaps a 21st Century Courtney Love doesn’t hate, this Love, well, loves.


…and what does Courtney Love, love?

Well…

Courtney Love love love

image

————————————————————

Courtney Love love Luvs…

image

———————————————————

Courtney Love love brotherly love…

image

——————————————-

Courtney Love love Love is

image

———————————————————-

Courtney Love love Lovie Smith

image

——————————————————

Courtney Love love “Love Will Keep Us Together”…

image

————————————————

Courtney Love love “Love Will Tear Us Apart”…

image

——————————————————————————

Courtney Love love Love Boat…

image

————————————————

Courtney Love love love bugs…

image

————————————————————

Courtney Love love crack…

image

————————————————

Courtney Love love Love and Basketball…

image

——————————————————

Courtney Love love Love Guru…

image

———————————————————————-

Courtney Love love “Love Shack”…

image

————————————-

 

…so is this really a new and improved Courtney?

 

We’re with you Dave.

 

Advertisements

8 Comments

Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Humor, Music, Pop Culture, Retro

Hey, This Looks Gross. (The Gummy Edition)

By Andrew Blumetti

 

1. Bears

2. Worms

3. Fish.

 

That’s the traditional gummy holy trinity, plain and simple.

Once in a blue moon, you’ll see the candy powers-that-be branch out and cook up something unique, like gummy dolphins, gummy cola bottles or a gummy De Milo (the rarest gummy of them all), but honestly, who needs all those bells and whistles?  Deep down, don’t we all just wish those were bears while we’re chowing down on them?

If there’s one thing we’ve learned from life, it’s this:  When something’s good and a buck’s being made, some schmuck goes too far and ruins it.  That’s why we had Speed 2, the final season of Roseanne, and a Belushi brother who’s name wasn’t John.

Companies tend to overestimate how much sugary crap we will shove down our gullets and really– there’s only so far kids will go when it comes to gross candy.  Check a trick-or-treater’s bag on December 1st, you’ll still see half-melted Mary Janes and awful Bit-O-Honeys decomposing at the bottom of it sticking to the side, waiting for sweet life in the garbage can.

…and if some rube decides to hand out these horrid looking things, they’ll certainly be sitting in there too.

————————————-

GUMMY BACON

Yuck Factor:  3

Why’s it So Gross?:  I usually subscribe to the theory bacon makes almost all things better.  Add it to a cheeseburger, eggs, or a turkey club, and it’s a crispy, artery-clogging treat.

Something about the fact that this has gummy fat on it really isn’t sweetening the deal, and it sure seems strange that pig on the box is so excited to help the pork industry.

Plus, if there’s one thing we all look for in our artificial bacon, isn’t it strawberry flavoring?

—————————-

GUMMY HEART

Yuck Factor:  5

Why’s it So Gross?This is how Hannibal Lecter started, isn’t it?

I’m picturing the second you sink your teeth into this awful gummy organ, it must seem like an eternity to actually get through it.

Once again, strawberry’s the unlucky flavor of choice when trying to distract us from how disgusting something appears.  Gritting through this wretched thing may actually be only slightly worse than eating an actual heart.

————————————————

GUMMY T-BONE STEAK

Yuck Factor: 1

Why’s it So Gross?:   Don’t bother taking out the A-1 for this.

There’s very few things as enjoyable as firing up my Weber grill on an early summer evening, tossing on a mouth-watering steak, and watching the flames lick the searing meat.  The smells, the flavors- it just does the Macarena on your pallet.

While this isn’t as bad as… let’s say the heart, raw-looking red meat just doesn’t seem to translate well into gummy world, and comes off as more T-bonehead than anything else.

Kudos for packaging it in a pseudo supermarket meat package though.

————————————

GUMMY BOO-BOOS

Yuck Factor:  7

Why’s it So Gross?A rainbow colored Band-Aid would’ve sufficed perfectly here, but, it’s the stupid realism that hurts this bandaged mess.

Maybe there’s a small market for candy with blood stains on it in some backwoods Deliverance-ish town, but I highly doubt the CEO of this mess is driving a Porsche Boxster and sending his bratty kids to Princeton on the skyrocketing sales of the bloody gummy bandage.

—————————————

GUMMY UNDIES

Yuck Factor:  10

Why’s it So Gross?Because there’s a better chance of contracting hepatitis from this than from licking the floor of a Waffle House bathroom.

You know how a hurricane goes over a body of warm water, picks up steam and shoots up a category on the Saffir-Simpson Scale?  Well, the second I realized this liver-enlarger was a thong, it was gifted with a dreaded “10” on the yuck factor.

Guys- If your girl wears these, run for the hills yesterday.

Girls-  If your guy wants you to wear these, Krazy Glue his toilet seat.

——————————————-

GUMMY HAGGIS

Yuck Factor:  3

Why’s it So Gross?We Americans can tell you, the Scottish staple, haggis, is incredibly rare here.

From what I’ve gathered, you pretty much let Michael Myers go to town on a sheep or lamb, remove all the tasty innards, encase them in stomach lining, boil it all up, and the end result is a finger-lickin’ sausage.

I do love green plaid and sausage, so this butterscotch gummy equivalent, so sensitively called, “Angry Scotsman’s”, is winning me over more and more as I type.  I am going to have to ask my Scottish friend Cherie, if this gummy haggis is popular on the other side of the pond, or if it’s just plain “b’aaaahhhhhhddd”.  (Some terrible sheep humor)

—————————————-

GUMMY “BOX OF BOOGERS”

Yuck Factor:  9

Why’s it So Gross?With the tissue-filling tagline, “SsssNot Your Regular Gummy!”  this box of corn-syrupy sophistication features “Tangy Gummy Boogies that Look & Feel Real!”.  That about sums it up.

I would’ve loved to be a fly on the wall in the testing room for these sugary snot rockets.  I could imagine it now:

-“Needs more lumpiness!”

-“The green ones aren’t true to life.”

-“I switched them out on my friend, and he didn’t know the difference!”

-“Really helped break the ice when I met my in-laws!”

————————————————-

GUMMY RAT

Yuck Factor:  6

Why’s it So Gross?Hey Jelly Belly, calling this thing a “pet rat” isn’t making it any more appealing and cute.

Ratatouille this is not.  This nasty thing looks like a freakin’ subway rat.  Vermin spread disease, eat dumpster trash, and Splinter was one of the weakest Ninja Turtles characters, let’s not reward that in candy-form.

With any luck, the black plague you get from noshing on the gummy rat will take you out before you have to finish it.

————————————————

GUMMY “BURSTING BUGS”

Yuck Factor:  2

Why’s it So Gross?Without any concrete picture of these, jumping to conclusions on these may be a bit rash.  They probably aren’t as bad as they seem, as the “bursting” quality could either be kinda awesome or horribly awful.

We’ll probably all look back with fondness when Disney Pixar releases A Gummy Bug’s Life in the summer of 2016.

—————————————-

GUMMY POO

Yuck Factor:  9

Why’s it So Gross?For once, saying something tastes like crap isn’t an insult.

I really wish I could tell what language that is, and what country that’s producing these sugary fecal globs to impressionable youths.

The smiling swirly dookie on the packaging sure seems like a happy fella, even though he’s got nothing on Mr. Hankey.   Everyone I know will be finding a package of these in their stocking this Christmas.

Try to act surprised.

———————————

GUMMY FETUS (Regular version and The Flaming Lips version)

Yuck Factor:  (Regular) 4, (Flaming Lips) 8

Why’s it So Gross?Well, the first version would be weird enough, but just close your eyes, quickly bite off the legs, and it kinda looks like a sideways gummy manatee.

As for the latter, The Flaming Lips are a critically acclaimed band, who break into dentist’s offices, suck down all the nitrus oxide, and then decide the most bizarre ways to release music to the masses.  This is a 2011 three-song release of theirs on a USB drive stuck inside a yes, gummy fetus… just like the way Sinatra used to do it.

Keep in mind, once you bite into that thing, you’re the guy who bit into a fetus.  You can’t undo that.

————————————-

GUMMY ZIT POPPERS

Yuck Factor:  10

Why’s it So Gross?If you ever wondered what the greasy teenage cashier’s face at the supermarket tastes like, wonder no longer.

On the plus side, it leaves a void for someone to create gummy Clearasil.  Million dollar idea!

12 Comments

Filed under Advertising, Comedy, Food, Humor