The New Holiday Game Sweeping the Globe: Santa, Wilford Brimley or ZZ Top… NAME… THAT… BEARD!

By Andrew Blumetti

WARNING:  The following game may cause you to shout, cry, and pout.  Your standing on Santa’s list may be in jeopardy.  Proceed with the utmost caution.

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Those feathery turkey decorations are stored away in the dusty attic for another 11 months, your third helping of thrice-reheated leftovers has caused you to punch an embarassing homemade extra “fat hole” in your belt with a Phillips-head screwdriver, and the swelling from that Black Friday “grab at flatscreen TV” bruise on your upper arm has finally started to subside.  There may have been lots of commercials on TV for a month now, but it’s time for the rest of us to catch up– Christmastime is here, and it’s here with the animalistic force of Miley Cyrus’s slimy tongue itching to bust out of her pot smoke-filled piehole.

You can kick your eggnog and wreaths to the curb, cause really, when you think about it, what spells out the holiday season more than blog posts?  In a short answer:  Nothing.

So join me in pouring yourself a bowl of Christmas Crunch…  (This was my actual meal while typing this)

turn up some Yuletide tunes as you read (feel free to play it while reading to complete the full holiday mood)…  

…and grab a front seat on the Polar Express as it derails stops through Nonsenseville, because it’s time to spend the holidays the way your grandparents did… guessing men’s facial hair. 

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‘DA RULES:  A series of ten closeup white and wispy whiskers will be presented.  Simply grab a piece of paper and a pen, jot down your choice if said beard/mustache grew out of the chubby face of Santa Claus, Wilford Brimley or one of the members of ZZ Top.  Below the tenth beard will be the answer key including links to the full pictures.  Match up your answers, and see how you scored!

But first, here’s a crash refresher course of our fully-folically-faced festive fellas:

SANTA CLAUS

ALSO KNOWN AS:  Kris Kringle, St. Nicholas, Sandy Claws (according to Jack Skellington)

NOTABLE WORKS:  Flying around the planet in one evening with gravity-defying caribou, that cherub-faced Cabbage Patch Kid under your tree back in ’86, inadvertently cleaning the soot from your chimney with his big round rump on a yearly basis

GUILTY PLEASURE FILMS: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Hostel Part III, Shakes the Clown

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WILFORD BRIMLEY

ALSO KNOWN AS:  The guy with that obnoxiously bushy mustache from the Diabetes commercials who may or may not have a mouth underneath that enormous thing.

NOTABLE WORKS:  Cocoon, The Thing, that one episode of Seinfeld

FAVORITE DANCES:  twerking, the Harlem Shake, crumping, the Lindy Hop

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ZZ TOP

ALSO KNOWN AS:  Two guys with the Yosemite Sam-ish beards and the other guy who owns a razor. They’re the reason you gotta scroll all the way down to the bottom of your artist list on your iPod.

NOTABLE WORKS:  “Legs”, “Sharp Dressed Man”, the soundtrack from Alvin and the Chipmunks:  The Squeakquel

STRANGEST THINGS FOUND IN BEARDS:  Golden Grahams, the GEICO lizard, the fourth member of ZZ Top

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… And hair we go!

 

BEARD #1

On Christmas Eve, maybe these snowy hued bristles will bring you a shiny new bicycle…  or rip a killer guitar solo… or lecture you about DI-A-BEE-TUS.

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BEARD #2

There’s a fine line between scary pigeon-eating bum and beloved holiday icon, and this hairy dude lives smack on it…

BEARD # 3

This is a bigger beard than George Clooney’s girlfriend!

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BEARD #4

Word on the snowy street has it that the owner of this killer soup-strainer has been known to do an emergency darkening-by-soy-sauce to impress the waitresses at Benihana.

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BEARD #5

Holiday Season PSA:  Don’t randomly go sitting on the lap of any guy with a big white beard.  That is quite uncomfortable for all parties involved.

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BEARD #6

This guy celebrates “No Shave November”.  If by “November”, you mean the last 40 years…

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BEARD #7

Boy Scout hint: With facial hair this mammoth, just add a little toothpaste and you’ve always got a permanent toothbrush on your face!

Man, that was gross.

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BEARD #8

♪ “I’m dreaming of a white mustache!”  ♪

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BEARD #9

The Dos Equis “Most Interesting Man in the World” guy has a lawsuit against this man.  It’s going to get U-G-L-Y in court.

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BEARD #10

This beard is whiter than an R.E.M. concert!

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ANSWER KEY

1.  Don’t get too comfortable just yet, this starter question was a gift from the rolly-polly round man himself, Santa Claus.

2.  It’s a freezing December 24th evening, the flickering candlelights are dimmed and the powdery snow is falling making the front lawn look like Lindsay Lohan’s car dashboard…  you wait impatiently, tucked under the cozy wool covers, with the anticipation of what’s to come.  Then suddenly, wait… what’s that?!?  It’s the sound of merry jingle bells, the pitter-patter of dancing reindeer hooves on the roof, and the familiar sounds of… blues rock??  Better hope Dusty Hill of ZZ Top left some receipts for you to return the awkward presents he left under the tree.  Seriously?  Old Hooters calendars from 1988? Get outta here.

3.  Sure there’s plenty of fat guys hanging around the mall, but at least this one isn’t awkwardly oogling the cute girl who works at Cinnabon… well at least when Mrs. Claus isn’t looking.  Santa’s the man here.

4.  You’re too smart to fall for this clever ruse… they don’t serve oatmeal at Benihana!  Brimley it is!

5.  Bad news:  If you get more than three questions wrong here, you have to eat your dinner off of ZZ Top’s beard.

6.  You know what The Thing actually was, right?  Wilford Brimley’s broom-worthy ‘stache. 

7.  No, no, I thought it was Pauly Shore too, but it’s actually the jolly ‘ol man himself.  I just don’t know what to believe anymore either.

8.  With winter right around the corner, it may be a bit too chilly to visit the zoo, but right here, you can always view the human walrus himself, Wilford Brimley. 

9.  He spends half his day scraping Rudolph poop off the bottom of his boots, yes it’s Kris Kringle!

10. Wait, are Kim Kardashian, Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton standing together in a row?  Cause Santa is saying Ho Ho Ho!

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Share your score in the comments below.   Also, here is the contact information for Hasbro, let’s get this on the shelves next to Monopoly next year!  Or even one shelf, I’m not greedy!

“Hey, I have an old white mustache too ya jerk!”

The Hand-burglar Turkey!

By Andrew Blumetti

It’s become an annual tradition that during November and early December, I spend the bulk of my free time hand-painting Christmas ornaments to sell at my nephew’s school Christmas sale.  Art has always been my first passion, so it’s been a lot of fun, and at this point, I’m nearly 100 in, have painted more Elf on the Shelfs, Elmos, and Disney Princesses than a grown man should admit to, (and surely now am one step closer to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome), which has taken away a bit of my time on here for a few weeks.

During this (delicious) time of thanks, I want to extend a big thank you to everyone on here for your continued support on my blog over the past three months.  Being able to create, share, and most importantly, make so many new and amazing friends is something I am very appreciate of, very thankful for, and cannot wait to continue. 

A very Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families!   Send me your leftovers!

-Andrew “Blumes” Blumetti

 

…but to quote Buzz McCallister from Home Alone 2, “enough of this gooey shhhhhh…ow of emotion”, here’s the stupidest thing you’ll see all day… robble… and gobble!

 

Do You Like The Human Centipede AND Dessert? Then This is The Blog For You!

By Andrew Blumetti

“Yes! I finally made it into this stupid blog!”

Four fantastic days into crisp October, and I hope your horror movie marathons are up and running just like they are over here.

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Scary movies are an odd sort.  Most are written off by critics as nothing more than shock-value rubbish.  There are a few of course, that cross that plateau into the land of cinematic legends.  Psycho, Alien, Night of the Living Dead, The Silence of the Lambs, and The Shining are all examples of that perfect combination of terror, shock, thrills, chills, and the rarest of them all- near universal critical acclaim.

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This is not about those. 

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2010’s Dutch horror sleeper, The Human Centipede (First Sequence), squirmed its way into worldwide cult infamy in all its shining mouth-to-bum glory.

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Delivered to us by writer/director Tom Six, and dubbed, “100% Medically Accurate”, The Human Centipede introduces us to a consistently non-smiling psychotic German surgeon who drugs and traps two vacationing American girls, (who are pretty dumb, even by horror movie standards) and an unlucky Japanese man in his giant, creepy German surgeon home, complete with a convenient giant, creepy German operating room in the giant, creepy German basement.

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It’s no-holds-barred as he proceeds to play out his twisted desire to surgically attach them in the most uncomfortable of positions, via one joined digestive track to create what he titles, “The Human Centipede”, connecting all three of them, you guessed it–  mouth-to-derrière.  It’s the perfect last first date movie …well if your sweetheart works full-time at a carnival freak show, or if every other movie is out of stock at Blockbuster.

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“Wait… there’s still Blockbusters around?!?  I never returned my copy of Kangaroo Jack!”

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As a horror film it was crude, vile, slightly brilliant, and mildly offensive to centipedes.  Not to mention, the trailer, with its deletions and re-additions, has pulled in nearly a combined 25 million views on YouTube.  Good job you sickies…

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Not one to rest on his stomach-turning laurels, Six revisited the Centipede world, with your mom’s favorite film of 2011, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence).  Originally banned in the UK, Australia and New Zealand upon release, this film, now deemed, “100% Medically Inaccurate”, was a revolting black-and-white tour de force of depravity, twisted humor, blood and guts, and the crème de la crème– a centipede one dozen people long.  That’s like the entire Brady Bunch family, Alice, Sam the Butcher, AND it still leaves room for two more.   Let’s not mince words, that’s a lot of rectal surgery.   In Six’s irony-free words, the grotesque sequel was created to make the first film “feel like My Little Pony” in comparison.

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I don’t know what he’s getting at, this Centipony was SIXTEEN ponies long!

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And because all good things come in threes, 2014 will bring us the long-awaited final piece of the detestable trilogy, The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence), set in a prison, featuring a rumored FIVE HUNDRED PERSON centipede and most horrifyingly of all, starring Eric Roberts.  In an interview with DreadCentral.com, Six gleefully promises the repugnant finale, will “make the last one look like a Disney film.” and “(is) going to upset a lot of people.”

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Pluto!  You’re the middle piece of the centipede!  Don’t worry, you don’t talk anyway!

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Not surprisingly, you probably want to send the kids to bed early before snuggling in with your sweetheart and a freshly-popped bag of popcorn to sit down and enjoy.  The audience for The Human Centipede films are mostly limited to horror hounds, gore lovers, and the kind of people who will peek under their Band-Aid to see how icky the gooey cut on their knee actually is.

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Best part is, if you can keep your lunch down while watching such wretched films, well then you’re gonna have plenty of room for delicious, sweet, sweet dessert.

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Well, unless the baker happens to be a big Centipede fan as well…

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OH FUDGE!

This brownie gem is a creation by Alice Rose Cakes & Cookies, your go-to bakery for all your messed-up surgery baked goods.

Just remember, dragging your feet on this gem will ruin your meal.  Better be fast to get some, those who are late to the party end up with the red digestive track to eat.

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CRAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Hey Alex, I hate to be the one to tell you this… your friends hate you.  I don’t even wanna imagine where the candles go in this thing.

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SPEND THIS CHRISTMAS WITH THE HUMAN SANTAPEDE!

Little known fact*:  In the original rendition of the English Christmas carol, “The Twelve Days of Christmas”, dating back to the 18th Century, there was an extra day penned on to the end of the listed group of days, totaling the amount to its original title, “The Thirteen Days of Christmas”.

After long thought, it was felt that due to the unlucky connotation of the number 13, the day should be dropped, thinning down the song to it’s now classic 12-day roundup, full of gifts of birds and dancing ladies.

Some other historians believe the real reason the song was thinned from its original baker’s dozen was because of this line in the song:

“On the thirteenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…  a gingerbread Human Centipede.”

“We can’t sing that. It’s gross.”

*This fact is total crap.

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GET READY TO TOSS YOUR COOKIES…

I bet these were a pain in the butt to make.

 

(RIMSHOT)

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WHAT A HALF-BAKED IDEA

 

Upon first glance, you may think these graphic cookies look trashy, but please note the curled-ribbon in the corner.  That makes them fancy.  Like the kind of Centipede cookies the Queen would nosh on.

 

“My dear… I wonder what it would be like to be the front piece??”

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I’D RATHER BE MUGGED…

You’d be surprised how fast Starbucks ran out of these collector’s mugs.  Don’t be shocked when your coffee tastes like crap though.

“Mary?!? Here’s your tall Carmel Macchiato, extra vanilla, extra steamed milk, served in a mouth-to-butt surgery mug.”

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THIS JUST TAKES THE CAKE!

Straight from the Cake Boss‘s ovens to your taste buds, this cake will make your sweet sixteen even sweeter.

Games to play at this birthday party:

• “Pin the Tail on the Person You’re Surgically Attached To”
• “Awkward Musical Chairs”
• “The Human Centipiñata“
• “Barfo Polo”

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MEET YOUR NEW FAVORITE GIRL SCOUT COOKIE…

 

Quick!  Do the humane thing and put the sad middle and end pieces of this cookiepede out of their misery.

“Five dollars?!?  When I was a kid, Human Centipede cookies cost a nickle!”

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WELL, THIS STINKS.

To you and me, this may look like the worst cake ever made in the history of mankind, but for a better idea, let’s go to the horse’s mouth and ask Birthday Boy, Mark Mallman, what his thoughts were on this unique cake:

– “I got three bites in before I vomited.  It was the best birthday ever!”

– “The wood was certainly not edible.  I don’t understand why they used wood on a cake.”

– “I thought these were the Rugrats characters, thank God for the ‘Human Centipede Birthday Cake’ label on the cake to clear that up.” 

– “I don’t know why my friends call me by my first AND last name.” 

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WELCOME BACK HOSTESS!

Woody Harrelson’s rough-and-tough character, Tallahassee, braved a nation of flesh-craving, undead cannibals, searching for the simple spongey deliciousness of a Twinkie in the hit comedy, Zombieland.

The tragic fate of this Twinkiepede would surely have brought a tear to ‘ol Tallahassee’s eyes.

“Those poor Twinkies never hurt anyone!”

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AND NOW, HUMAN CENTIPEDE BAKING WITH MARTHA STEWART…

“Hello friends.  Today, we’re going to take a page out of my new cookbook, “Heinous Baking with Martha”, creating everyone’s favorite surgically screwed-up dessert.  If it’s October, then it’s time to fill your home with the sweet aroma of our Human Centipede cupcakes. 

– First, make sure you iron your cloth napkins.  A Human Centipede cupcake on a wrinkled napkin just won’t do.  Don’t forget to polish your silverware as well, if you can see your reflection in it, your guests can see their smile as well.

– A lit candle with the wafting smell of cinnamon will fill your home with an autumnal aroma, a treat for your guests.

– Now, we’re going to use a fresh-made buttercream for our Centipede heads.   My secret?  Just a pinch of almond extract will make your mouth-to-tush baked treats the ones all the Trick-or-Treaters want to bite into this All Hallows’ Eve.

– Soft Red vine licorice will supply the touching look of dread we’re looking to place on these cupcakes. 

– Now, we can’t forget the delicious shared digestive-track, can we?   A simple line of licorice straight through the cake of all three will do the trick.

– Place your disgusting doomed treats on a hand-cut ornamental doily, and your ghoulish guests will be smiling all through the night. 

 

Join me next time, as we make my famous fruity Evil Dead blood punch with a garnish of fresh-picked celery stalks. “