(2018 edit: This was a piece written years ago, at a time predating the terrible accusations against Bill Cosby. At that point, he was still strictly known as the ugly-sweater-wearing TV patriarch we all loved in the 80’s, and not a man found guilty of the monstrous claims against him.
I guess the most important question here is… can I tell the future?? I think it’s apparent the answer is: Yes.)
By Andrew Blumetti Bill Cosby
This blog has gone off a cliff.
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GLUTTONY
“Well, here, I had the taaaaasty ham sammich, and the mustard was just bippity baaa gooood.
Ya see… the chippppps, they’re the ruffled, kinda like Theo’s hair, DAAAA, and the shirt with the leiiiii… well it’s like Hawaii! with the belly dancers and the volcanoes and it’s too warm for ma’ sweaters! DAAAAA”
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SLOTH
“Ahh, look at sleeeepy Billllll.
Well, what happened here, I had a long night the day before this. Little Rudy, ya remember HER? Well, her little mustache keep collecting the FLOP SWEAT! Baaaaa! The bright lights, ya seeeee, they kept glistening off her little whiskerrrrs, and zippity zop bop, we had to keep filming My Bill Show late into the nighttttt! Daaa…”
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PRIDE
“My showwww. Bippity zip, man ya know I was the firrrst black guy on the TV! I did the Picture PAAAAAAges, with the Mortimer Ichabod Marker. He was squeakier than my old shoes! Bip bobbity…
Ya know what time ma’ watch says? It says it’s the bibbity booop blorp! BAAAAAA.”
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ENVY
“That stupid Urkel kid! – that showwww was the stupid!
He just sat there with the snortin’ and bortin’ and the hip bob bibbity boo zopp, with the pants up to his stupid kid nipples. I can’t believe they stayed on the air, and ‘ol Bill got thrown in the garbage like a used Kodak Film box. DAAAAA.”
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LUST
“I went to TEMPLEEEEE. The UNIVERSITTTY! And nobody beats the Owls. Except for the Penn, who’s sweatshirt I got on. …and these fine young trackleetes from The University of the Tennessee.
Boppidy bop! I wore my best sweatpants to impress ‘em and hopefully get them the pregnant! They had the orange shorts and I thought I was at the Hooooooters! I said, ‘I’ll have some Buffalo wings with the hot sauceee!’ DAAAAA…”
(Blumes note: Bill later settled undisclosed lawsuits with both of these unfortunate girls who claimed Mr. Cosby encroached upon them, asking “You want Dr. Huxtable to help you deliver the baby?!?”)
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GREED
“GHOST DADDDD!!! DAAAAA!!! Biggest hit of the summer of 1990!! And the second most successful film from that calendar year with the word ‘Ghost’ in the title!
I got lots of the dead prezzies to play a dead guy. Ghost Bill was zoobity zip zip! I came back with my TOP HAT and the zipppty and the zorp and the kids wanted to play with ‘ma briefcase! Frizzle frazzle!”
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WRATH
“Well, the chubby kid, ya see, he ate all my puddin’ POPPPPPS.
The little porker, well he got what was comin’ to him. He’s eatin’ ma’ foooood instead listening to the jazz music! I dropped him on the floor, and he fell on Lisa Bonet! DAAAA Zippity zip zorp bop! Ya know what? That little meatball never touched ma’ food again! He knew Bill had the boppity bip zaaa!!!”
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Editor’s Note: Bill Cosby said every single word on here. Truth.
A Blumes With a View 