Illustrated by Andrew Blumetti
Illustrated by Andrew Blumetti
By Andrew Blumetti
G’morning everyone, rise and shine!
Wait a minute. Is that your stomach growling like a tugboat? Did you skip breakfast again? You know that old saying about breakfast being the most important meal of the day, right?
How important you say? Let’s take a look…
(insert dreamy transition harp music here…)
In a Fantasy World: After eight hours of sound sleep, you pop up out of bed with the warm rays of sun cracking through the window and glowing on your face, crisp-eyed and fresh as a fiddle.
Time to slide down the banister in your fuzzy pajamas, hop into the kitchen, pour some fresh-squeezed OJ, slice up some just-picked fruit, sit down to some toast and warm oatmeal, and rack up those all-important vitamins right out of the starting gate. Your body will thank you after all, it’s healthy, nutritious, and an all-around great way to give your body and mind the fuel it needs to take on the day, grab the world by its stupid throat and say “Bring it on chump!”.
In Reality: After leaving more grimy fingerprint smudges on your snooze button than John Wayne Gacy at a Chuck E. Cheese skeeball, you stumble out of bed– groggy, freezing cold, full of eye boogers, and cursing the fact that Saturday may as well be a year away. After catching a gander at the ungodly late time, it must somehow be Daylight Savings Time and the clocks are wrong, right?
Not even close. After a lightning quick shower and fighting with your contact lenses, the realization sinks in that a healthy breakfast (which is for squares anyway) is taking a backseat to a backseat today. Lego the idea of an Eggo as toasting a frozen waffle or bagel is too time-costly, so it’s time to open the cabinets, pour some sugary cereal in a bowl, drown it in milk and wolf it down so quickly, even your dog will look up at you thinking, “Geez, slow it down, man”.
(I know this, because this was practically every day of my senior year of high school*…)
* “Senior year” may also include Freshman, Sophomore, and Junior years as well
Well, despite the earlier lecture, I sincerely do hope you had enough time to enjoy your delicious and healthy breakfast this morning and get your day off to a magical start that’d make Walt Disney’s frozen head come back to life just to buy the movie rights to it.
Why you ask?
Cause you’re gonna need that fresh energy to get that grey matter fired-up, do some deep-knee bends and prepare yourself for the most undelicious pop quiz ever…
THE OFFICIAL CEREAL KILLER QUIZ
1. Which of the following cereals is highest in 10 essential vitamins and nutrients?
A. Special K
B. Raisin Bran
C. KIDDO BALLS
Blumes note: It hurts my brain to think the derelict people who named this are allowed to drive cars on the same road as the rest of us.
2. On a diet? Looking to cut back on that pesky sugar? Look no further than this timeless breakfast treat…
A. Apple Cinnamon Cheerios
B. Grape Nuts
C. KING VITAMIN
Blumes note: The discontinuation of this one just hurts, cause finding a royal racing coach on eBay nowadays is seriously highway robbery.
3. No dishes for you to wash! This classic delicious cereal is so good, your slob kids will love to eat it out of their hand, sans milk…
B. Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Blumes note: My doctor constantly gets on my case because everything I eat is lacking in EARTHQUAKE power.
4. Don’t like your cereal soggy? You’ve reached the holy grail with…
A. Lucky Charms
B. Golden Grahams
C. CRUNCHY LOGGS
Blumes note: WARNING! Don’t use that “Quiz Kid Calculator”. Crunchy Loggs has rigged it to give “56601” as every answer. (Typed on a calculator and turned upside down, that spells out “LOGGS”. Seriously, give it a shot.)
5. Don’t take your children down the cereal aisle of the supermarket, they’ll never shut up about…
A. Cap’n Crunch
B. Cocoa Puffs
Blumes note: The official breakfast sponsor of To Catch a Predator. Hey kids, don’t forget the “Free Dynaman Rub-ons Inside”!
6. Which cereal mascot was voted as America’s favorite at this year’s Mascy Awards?
A. Tony the Tiger of Frosted Flakes
B. The Trix Rabbit of Trix
C. This insane clown of Post’s “Sugar Krinkles”
Blumes note: Geez, even killer Pennywise the Clown called and said to dial it back.
7. This is the tried-and-true cereal your grandparents used to eat:
A. Corn Flakes
C. NICKELODEON GREEN SLIME CEREAL
Blumes note: Huge bonus– when you vomit this up, it’ll pretty much look exactly like it did going down.
8. This “vitamin charged” product will provide you with 70% of your daily recommended share of Riboflavin. You’ll be sailing all day!
A. Apple Jacks
B. Fruit Loops
C. SIR GRAPEFELLOW
Blumes note: If anyone can please Fed-Ex me Sir Grapefellow’s air car toy, I’ll make it worth your while.
9. Which of the following will create the best small talk with the cute cashier at the supermarket?
A. Chocolate Lucky Charms
C. GOOD FRIENDS CEREAL
Blumes note: $4.99 sounds a bit steep, but honestly, where else are you going to find “46% more fiber” at a better price? With that high fiber content, this multi-ethnic-friendly cereal is guaranteeing people of all races remain on the toilet all day long.
10. ‘Fess up. For breakfast this morning, I bet you had…
A. Frosted Mini Wheats
C. CRISPY HEXAGONS
Blumes note: Let’s thank the good people at Mathrite for finally bringing our love of geometry and breakfast together at last.
11. Looking to cut back on those awful carbs? Dig that spoon right into…
A. Boo Berry
B. Cracklin’ Oat Bran
C. MR. T CEREAL
Blumes note: There’s more tasteless “T’s” in this than at an Abercrombie and Fitch!
I pity the bowl this crap gets poured into.
12. Little known fact: Albert Einstein wore the same outfit every day and actually ate this meal every morning:
A. Rice Krispies
B. Shredded Wheat
Blumes note: My cynical side was going to rip into this stuff, but helping Urkel find Laura really tugs at my heartstrings.
13. I’m finishing up this quiz so I can go chow down on some…
A. Cookie Crisp
B. Honey Nut Cheerios
C. APPLE YO’s
Blumes note: I just realized this stuff comes in a TWO POUND BAG. That borders on child abuse.
(I just can’t take Dynaman seriously.)
So, please share- how’d you score? Bonus points if you actually tried the calculator trick. Now go enjoy lunch.