Blumes’s Misleading Halloween Party Playlist

By Andrew Blumetti

Was your Columbus Day party as lame as mine?

Sure, the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria chili dips burned, and the bowl full of 1,492 olives ended up being a colossal waste of money, but your heart was in the right place, wasn’t it?

And how on the face of great, green Planet Earth you were able to get more suckers guests to give you a second chance only a few weeks later for your Halloween shindig makes you think something’s gotta be in the water supply.

But nonetheless, here’s your chance to make things right.  Dim the lights, toss up some icky cobwebs, a few delightfully horrific decorations, a delicious hors d’oeuvres platter of Halloweenies or Zombielamb-chops, and before you know it, folks on both sides of the Mason Dixon line will be waxing poetic about the triumphant haunted hootenanny you threw that fateful evening of October 31st in the year 2013.

Well, not so fast there chief.  Without some quality rump shakin’ tunes, they ain’t gonna be fawning like rabid Justin Bieber fans just yet.  Those fellas didn’t dress up as rootin’ tootin’ cowboys, and those ladies didn’t starve themselves for two weeks and squeeze themselves into skin-tight slutty cop costumes just to stand there in your living room like lazy lumps on a log.

“This party DOESN’T have the right to remain silent!”

Well, take it from me, if you don’t want your gussied-up guests to go stormin’ out the front door before the steaming hot Pieday the 13ths hit the table, certainly don’t pick your songs based solely on title or artist name alone.  It turns ugly, and it turns ugly fast.  

Case in point:  My 2012 party soundtrack…

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TRACK #1:  THE CRANBERRIES- “Zombie”

This might be of Eminem, I cannot fully be sure.  

Listen to it here.

What you expect:  A decrepit hand breaks the cold cemetery soil, as dozens of flesh-hungry dead cannibals rise to their rotting feet, black-tongued and blood-filled mouths, groaning the words, “do you have to let lingerrrrrrrr…”

What you get:  Not nearly as Walking Dead-ish as the title would suggest, this excellent mid-90’s alt rock staple is a protest song surrounding the violence and unrest in Northern Ireland, inspired by the 1993 IRA bombing in Warrington, Cheshire.  Don’t use it at your Halloween party, you’ll look like an insensitive dunce.

Rick and roll!

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TRACK #2:  FRANK SINATRA- “I’ve Got You Under My Skin”

“Hey punk, don’t use my song at your party, or I’ll clean your clock.”

Take a listen here.

What you expect:  Your mind races and your nerves tremble as the padded walls of the nuthouse close in on you faster and faster.  Is your cracking brain playing tricks on you?  Maybe, look at your skin crawl after all– it could be festering bugs laying their eggs, it could be a deadly disease rotting you from the inside out, or it could be a mean prank that wisenhimer Dean Martin played on you when you were using the bathroom.  The line between madness and reality is blurring faster than ‘Ol Blue Eyes’ vision, eight drinks in, at a hotel bar following a Saturday night show.

What you get:  Some feel it’s about the drink, but the popular and direct interpretation of this Sinatra favorite is likely about the all-powerful pull of love and attraction.  That overwhelming feeling when you just can’t get that special person out of your mind and heart.  Just the same way I feel about Pauly Shore.

“I love you too, budddddday.”

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TRACK #3:  FOREIGNER- “Hot Blooded”

“DOWN WITH SLEEVES!”

I guess you could listen to it here.  If you really wanna…

What you expect:  Laying in the cold bed in the harshly-lit infirmary, the soundtrack to your horrific stay is riddled with coughing and phlegm-filled hacking from fellow bedridden sickies.  Your poor head is throbbing like the Dickens, and your blood is on the verge of boiling right there in your freakin’ veins.  Your now pale complexion is drained of all discernible color and each agonizing minute of this agonizing pain feels one step closer to grim death.

What you get:  “A fever of wait… 103°”?!?  Oh for God’s sake.

True, it’s certainly no walk in the park, but that doesn’t necessarily throw you into the depths of certain doom.  It more than likely throws you into a doctor’s office to get some orders to take a few Advil and chug some more liquids.   But you have to pay full price for your office visit because the Obamacare website IS DOWN!!!!   THE HORROR!!!

“STUPID ERROR 404!!!”

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TRACK #4:  CURTIS MAYFIELD- “Freddie’s Dead”

This is how many times Curtis Mayfield’s estate is going to sue me for using his name in this article.

Get down and check it out here.

What you expect:  “One, two, Freddy’s coming for you…” 

You can finally sleep sound as your once-terrorized dreams have become much safer.  Sadistic, striped-sweatered-sleeping slayer, Freddy Krueger, has finally met his maker, as his blood-covered razor-fingers lie next to his putrid, rotting corpse, never to destroy your nightmares again.

He was also mad Curtis Mayfield misspelled his name in the title, but hey, Freddy’s got some anger issues.

What you get:  A song about the death of “Fat Freddie”, a character from 70’s Blaxploitation film, Super Fly (the song appeared on the film’s soundtrack).  That’s what eating at Heart Attack Grill every day will do to ya, Freddie.

“I don’t need you Mayfield, I’ll just make my own song!”

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TRACK #5:  RADIOHEAD- “Creep”

Radiohead is one of my all-time favorites, but this song about the Itsy-Bisty Spider just came off as pretentious.

You don’t belong here, you should be here, listening to this song.

What you expect:  What’s that?   Look outside your window.   Is someone outside?

There’s a full moon out on an icy-cold Halloween eve.  The rustling sounds in the bushes are sending a chill up your spine and making your heart race faster than Miley Cyrus shedding her clothes the second she sees a camera flash.  Is a crazy axe murderer outside?  Maybe a blood-thirsty werewolf?  Terrifying little kids with those orange boxes collecting for UNICEF?!?

What you get:  Oh Thom, you silly goose, you’re not creepy.  We love you, and your lazy-eye, and your weirdo “bacon sizzling in a frying pan” freakout dancing on stage.  False alarm people, false alarm.

Safety tip from Blumes:   Wondering if annoying hipsters have been stalking you from your window?  Look for the empty Pabst Blue Ribbon cans and empty tins of mustache wax littered on the ground. 

“I bought non-perscription glasses with extra-thick frames, just so I could spy on you better.”

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TRACK #6:  CUTTING CREW- “(I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight”

“When we go to the barber, we just say, ‘Gimme whatever semi-modish 80’s hairdo the rest of the band is wearing'”.

Insomniacs rejoice!  Pretend you’re watching a late night “Best Love Song Hits” CD commercial here.

What you expect:  (The closing minutes of a slasher horror movie)– post serial killer attack, lots coughing up blood, gasping for many last breaths, dramatic music, and a final pleading to make it out alive.  Note:  The black guy died early on in the film.  Way to fall into lazy stereotypes, fictional movie that I just made up.

What you get:   Soft rock-   heavy on the soft, light on the rock.  When you’re 45-minutes into a wait at the eye doctor’s office for your semi-annual checkup, reading a wrinkled, old Entertainment Weekly magazine with Ruben Studdard on the cover, this is the ballad that’s likely being played on the radio.  This is the band even Spandau Ballet bullies around while on tour.

“Hey you Cutting Crew fruits, shut up, give us your lunch money and all the crates of mousse that you have.”

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TRACK #7:  THE FUGEES- “Killing Me Softly”

Apparently the ceiling fan was really interesting to stare at.

What you expect:  Under soft candlelight and the comforting crackles of a cozy fireplace, a bewitching murderer cranks up the charm, wining and dining his ill-fated victims seconds before the tapered knife is revealed and the cozy-bearskin rug is horrifically painted with splashes of crimson.

What you get:  A mid-90’s cover of the Roberta Flack hit that the DJ played at our “Class Night” dinner in senior year of high school.  Aside from making me realize that I’m old enough to remember when Pras actually had a career, it’s not really scary.  

Blumes note:  In searching for a picture of Lauryn Hill, the Google search accidentally brought up, “Lauren, Hills”.  This is not Lauryn Hill. 

“I am so Lauryn Hill! Heidi Montag stole my Grammys, and hid them in her shirt!”

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(The remaining tracks apply to any song by these deceptively scary-sounding artists with not-so scary music…)

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TRACK #8:  ANY SONG BY 10,000 MANIACS

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”– George Carlin

Go ahead, be 10,001 right here.

What you expect:  In 1964, a splatter film, Two Thousand Maniacs! was released.  A film “gruesomely stained in blood color!” about Yankee tourists humiliated and hacked to bits by murderous rednecks in the Deep South (the film was remade 40 years later by Robert “Freddy Krueger” Englund” as 2001 Maniacs).  This band must be FIVE TIMES more insane than that!  Scary math!  

What you get:  Nope.  This band should’ve been called, “10,000 White People Who Shop at Banana Republic”, and even then, the math is still very suspect.  And I shop there too.

“Breaking MTV News! Natalie Merchant buys ANOTHER wool jacket!”

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TRACK #9:  ANY SONG BY FINE YOUNG CANNIBALS

FINE. YOUNG. CANNIBALS. —– I basically can find three things wrong with that name.

Don’t drive yourself crazy, relive the 90’s here.

What you expect:  Hannibal Lecter with a Fender Strat and the most bizarre tour rider ever (when he requests an “Arnold Palmer”, you can be sure he’s not talking about the beverage).

What you get:  Probably the most misleading name on this whole list, these 90’s one-hit-wonders conjure up the image of an opening act for Slayer, constantly headbanging and hair-swirling to legions of fans, with beer in their bellies and their tattooed fists in the air.  How many teenagers were forbid from picking up this CD (no doubt in one of these old-fashioned longbox compact disc packages), due to their frightening-sounding name?

More like “Can’t-ibbals”, AMIRIGHT?!?

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TRACK #10:  ANY SONG BY THE KILLERS

Blumes note: The original name of The Killers was “Hans Solo and Three Disinterested Guys“.

You know the drill.

What you expect:  The prison jug band Charles Manson put together.

What you get:  Incredibly popular 21st Century Las Vegas-based alternative band who took their moniker from a New Order video, which may be the least-terrifying way to name your band.   Take it from me and my new band, Blumes Monday, whose new album will be out in 2016.

“I don’t care what The David Berkowitz Trio says, we’re headlining BOTH prison festivals this year- Co-Cell-a, and Jail-apalooza.  I’m not crazy, I’m God.  YOU’RE crazy.”

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TRACK #11:  ANY SONG BY MURDER BY DEATH

Hip-hip-hooray for ½-priced day at Pocket Watches ‘Я Us!

Take a break from all that candy eatin’ and listen here.

What you expect:  Well, basically, the band who’d be opening for Fine Young Cannibals, who are opening for Slayer.   Murder and death in one band name?  Bloody Halloween metal up yo tuckus!

What you get:  This talented Bloomington, Indiana-based indie act, with a highly-deceiving name taken a 1976 Robert Moore whodunit comedy, summons the uncanny sound of folky alt-country, drenched in a whiskey-soaked marriage of Johnny Cash and Nick Cave, all taking place in a haunted 19th-Century saloon.

Actually, maybe this would fit in well, tell me this isn’t the stuff October nightmares are made of…

Johnny Cash says, “Catpy Halloween!“

Horror Villains Celebrate Halloween: THE FINALE!!

Illustrated by Andrew Blumetti

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… What happens when your favorite film ghouls break the bank at Party City?

… How many fun-size Snickers bars can Ghostface fit into his mouth at one time?

… Just HOW many costumes did Jason actually buy this year?

The answers to those questions …AND MORE* will be answered right now in the thrilling* conclusion of what happens when treats and tricks meet your favorite flicks.

* (Probably not too likely…)

* (Again, fat chance that’s true…)

If you missed out on the moderate chuckles, part one and part two can be viewed here.

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ALIEN QUEEN (Alien) as MILEY CYRUS

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THE INFECTED (28 Days Later) as CRAYOLA CRAYONS

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GHOSTFACE (Scream) as SURPRISED TAYLOR SWIFT WINNING AN AWARD

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THE GOVERNOR (The Walking Dead) as A CANDY CRUSH SAGA BOARD

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TARMAN ZOMBIE (The Return of the Living Dead) as KURT COBAIN

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KAYAKO SAEKI (The Grudge) as A DALLAS COWBOYS CHEERLEADER

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DRACULA (Bram Stoker’s Dracula) as PIZZA

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EVIL ED (Fright Night) as AL FROM HOME IMPROVEMENT

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OOGIE BOOGIE (The Nightmare Before Christmas) as WOODY FROM TOY STORY

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FREDDY KRUEGER (A Nightmare on Elm Street) and JASON VOORHEES (Friday the 13th) as WAYNE AND GARTH

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Horror Villains Celebrate Halloween: THE SEQUEL!!

Illustrated by Andrew Blumetti

 

 

Just when you thought it was safe to open the door for Snickers-grubbing trick-or-treaters…

 

Sequels are rough, man.  Highly anticipated, but more often than not, they simply can’t catch that “lightning in a bottle” magic that made the original so beloved.

Well, the heck with that noise. 

If you liked part one, well…  here’s another.   In the second part of a three-part series that’s hopefully more Godfather Part II than Sister Act 2, it’s time to lock up your Milky Ways and Twix bars, toss away those horrid Mary Janes, and un-razorblade those apples, cause it’s time for our favorite scaries to take five and have some fun of their own.

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KATIE FEATHERSTON  (Paranormal Activity) as THE CAT IN THE HAT

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BILLY THE PUPPET (Saw) as DOPED-UP LANCE ARMSTRONG

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CAPTAIN SPAULDING (House of 1000 Corpses) as A CHOLO

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MICHAEL MYERS (Halloween) as A DORITOS LOCOS TACO

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SAM (Trick ‘r Treat) as HONEY BOO BOO

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JASON VOORHEES (Friday the 13th) as LUMBERGH FROM OFFICE SPACE

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CHERYL (The Evil Dead) AS A HIPPIE

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HANNIBAL LECTER (The Silence of the Lambs) as AN ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH MODEL

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SAMARA (The Ring) as A HOOTERS WAITRESS

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LEPRECHAUN (Leprechaun) as KNICKS-ERA JEREMY LIN

White People: Ruining Hip-Hop Halloween Costumes Since the 80’s… OR MAKING BETTER?!?

By Andrew Blumetti

 

Welcome to an area definitely far outside of my wheelhouse.

Anyone who has spent just ten minutes around me can tell you I have about as much grasp on the hip-hop culture as the Jacksonville Jaguars have on a shiny Vince Lombardi trophy.

Popular terms like “yo” and “holla” would look like bad French spilling out of my awkward mouth.  Plus, the word “crunk” is totally lost on me, I can’t explain why there are so many grown men with “Lil” in their name, and don’t get me started on size stickers on flat-brimmed baseball caps.

I’ll admit- it’s simply not my forte, and will most likely never be, which I’m very happy with. Truthfully, it’s good to know deep-down what you like and what genuinely works for you.  (If more people followed that basic idea, maybe Garth Brooks wouldn’t have done this.)

But after looking at these Titanic-sized swings-and-miss costumes of some of the most legendary names in hip-hop, maybe I can pull it off better than I initially gave myself credit for.

“Wow, Blumes is talking about rap? I must be REALLY high, even by Snoop Dogg standards!”

If rap culture has spent the past three decades establishing itself as the cutting edge of trendy fashion, popular vernacular, and sleek style- well then these crappy cracker-crazy costumes just pushed that progress back about two of those decades.

So, together, let’s get down with our funky selves, bust out some killer breakdancing skills, and blast the soundtrack for October 2013. I invite you to throw on “Tennessee” (that song was cool, right?), blast out those human beatboxes (now I know those have to be cool) and get yourself ready for a not so hip-hop Halloween…

Word. 

(W)RAP IT UP, THESE COSTUMES STINK!

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 COSTUME #1:  HAIR-RAISING BAD

I think that’s…  Christopher “Kid” Reid, the eraser-haired half of early 90’s duo, Kid N’ Play

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

Sure, in 2010, having an official Pauly D. blow-out wig and some orange Oompa Loompa makeup could’ve turned you into the hippest guido on the block at Halloween parties, but what do you do with that wig when it’s 2013?

Simple!  Follow these easy steps…

1. Pull that dusty Jersey Shore wig out of the crawl space.
2. Grab a bottle of Elmer’s Glue, two if necessary.
3. Dump it on and spike that sucka straight up to the Heavens.
4. Pop it on your noggin.
5. Proceed to try and impress the ladies with a rap costume from before they were born. 
6. Go home dateless! 

Street Cred Score (From 1-10):  1

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COSTUME #2:  “KEEP THE CHANGE YA FILTHY ANIMAL.”

I think that’s… 50 Cent, popular 21st Century rapper/human target/entrepreneur/partial investor of Vitamin Water beverage.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

“It’s got grapes in it! And if you let it sit, then it’ll have raisins in it!”

Well, if someone’s gotta be shot nine times, I think this guy’s costume may make him a prime candidate.

If you’re American, this scenario will ring true…

To satisfy that overwhelming hunger craving, you run out to the nearest convenience store and grab a bag of delicious, delicious Doritos and all their nacho-cheesy greatness.  All ready to rip that bag open and orange-powder-up your fingers, you look down at the jingling store change resting in your palm, and see a freakin’ Canadian quarter sitting in there!

How’d that thing weasel its way in there?!?

They’re like a plague. Next to worthless here, they won’t work in vending machines or parking meters, and the only hope to rid yourself of them is to pawn them off on some other sucker.

Well, leave it to the Canadians to get creative at Halloween, as we see the white guy take on 50 Cent.  Personally, I would’ve been more impressed if he gave it a twisted spin and made a costume of “The Human 50 Cent-ipede” instead, but that’s probably too much change*.

Street Cred Score:  ½ (or .50)

*  Even I thought that joke was horrible!  

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COSTUME #3:  DON’T TOUCH THIS!

I think that’s… M.C. Hammer, superstar of the early 90’s whose pants doubled as a tarp for the infield at Fenway Park.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

“I’m hiding all my extra parachute pants inside of this pair that I’m currently wearing!”

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What can I say about this costumed dingus that the picture doesn’t already scream out?  (AKA…. bad puns approaching…)

• He’s not “2 legit” and if anyone should quit, we’re looking right at him.

• He certainly didn’t “nail” the Hammer costume…  wokka wokka.

• And he shouldn’t bother saying “U Can’t Touch This”, the women at the Halloween party already made that decision for him the second he walked in.

Street Cred Score:  1.  (But to be fair, that’s the same number as the actual Hammer, so kudos, guy.)

Psy! We can wear these pants together in the unemployment line!”

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COSTUME #4:  HELLO NASTY…COSTUMES

I think that’s… The Beastie Boys, groundbreaking New York hip-hop trio who fought for your right to party.  Don’t forget that, ingrates.

But don’t they actually look like…?

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Their Beasties threads, while pretty simple, actually aren’t all that bad. Although these three goobers are skirting right on the edge of looking like bad Smurfs rejects, who also happen to hang out together.

Geez, where’s Gargamel when you need him?

♪ “No… Sleep… TILL BROOKLYN!” ♪

Street Cred Score:  8

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COSTUME #5:  WRONG SPICE GIRLS

I think that’s… Salt-N-Pepa, the 90’s female hip-hoppers who weren’t TLC.

But don’t they actually look like…?

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These half-dressed girls went with these last-minute no-frills Salt-N-Pepa Halloween costumes when their Thelma & Louise ones didn’t arrive in time.

See ladies?  This is why it’s so important to have an extra emergency floozy outfit hanging around.  Just in case…

Stop! Or my mom will SHOOP!

Street Cred Score:  3

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COSTUME #6:  SLIM SHODDY

I think that’s… Eminem, one of the world’s best-selling artists of the past 30 years.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

One of Slim Shady’s most prolific singles is the 2000 hit, “Stan”, a near-frightening narrative of stalkerish fan-obsession gone overboard.  Safe to say this dude may have been his target audience for that signature tune, as this doesn’t look like a costume as much as it does an everyday borderline-unhealthy walking homage to the famous Detroitian.

But try as I might, I just can’t trash smart, frugal shopping.  When your Halloween costume consists of just a single bottle of peroxide, it leaves more cash to blow on generically hum-drum tattoos.

Street Cred Score:  6

“After seeing that costume, this is now the SECOND most awkward moment of my life.”

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COSTUME #7:  DUMP DUMP!

 

I think that’s… Kris Kross, backwards-clothes-wearing duo who had one more member than hit songs. Half a hit each guys, not too shabby!

But don’t they actually look like…?

These dufus-y costumes will make you jump jump!… of a cliff.

Well, to be fair- these Kris Kross-inspired backwards-threads would look equally stupid on everyone, regardless of race.

Better watch the amount of liquids you’re intaking at the party gentlemen, keep in mind the fly in those pants is on the wrong side now.  You don’t want to imagine the cringeworthy embarrassment of telling the doctor you ruptured your bladder because you couldn’t access the zipper on your dumb Kris Kross pants in time?

His medical diagnosis?

“That’s wiggity wiggity wiggity whack!   I’m writing you a prescription for anti-whack pills.  Take two and call me in the morning.” 

Street Cred Score:  3

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COSTUME #8:  CERTAINLY NOT KOSHER

I think that’s… Tupac Shakur, the late gangsta rapper/current hologram, who is somehow still releasing records nearly two decades after his death.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

This is just like my tattoo, but it says “HUG LIFE” instead.

Mazel Tov!

Two guys, no shirts, half a brain.

Tupac… Jewish?  Oh Jewpac.  Clever work fellas.  (Or maybe Dr. Dredle?)

This will certainly not help the already fragile East Coast and West Coast Jewish gang relations.  Oy vey, it’s a scrawny-guy driveby! 

Those costumes insult everyone! Now pull up your pants and eat something!

Street Cred Score:  ½

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COSTUME #9:  NO BOYEEEEE!!!

I think that’s… Flavor Flav, the slapstick member of Public Enemy who never has an excuse to be late to bingo because he wears a giant Bugs Bunny-ish clock around his exhausted neck 24-hours a day.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

Old Man Flavor Flav, partying till the late hour of 4:30pm.

Welcome to Yo!  MTV Craps!

Sure, it’s been a rough few weeks for Eli Manning and the lackluster New York Giants.  With their big blue wheels stuck spinning firmly in the mud, this football season hasn’t gotten off to the start anyone in the Big Apple has expected.

But all jokes aside, if the G-Men are still winless by the end of October, that costume may be an accurate depiction of how a dejected younger Manning will be spending his bummer of a Halloween.

Awww shucks, how come no one picks on Peyton instead?

Street Cred Score:  2

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COSTUME #10:  LIL’ LAME

I think that’s… Lil Wayne.  I don’t know anything about Lil Wayne.  I think apparently, he may have a unibrow.  I think he went to jail.  I think this nincompoop shouldn’t be too far behind for looking like that.  Not to mention that this guy went the always-popular route of blackface, and then had to draw fake tattoos on top of the makeup.  Tasteless or not, that’s some effort put in there.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

Funny enough, that costume makes that guy look more white than he probably did beforehand.  And isn’t the sign of any well-pulled-off costume having to hold a photo of the person you’re supposed to be next to you?  Bravo, young man.

Blumes note:  I stand corrected, I actually do know something about Lil Wayne.  In fact, just this week, I read an article about him guest starring in a most-likely ear-offensive new song by Paris Hilton, and in its brain cell-killing accompanying video. Talk about a spooky October…

Between this terrible costume and that song, it’s officially a toss-up of which is the bottoming-out point of his life.

Street Cred Score: -1

“On this song, we actually sampled the sound of my great-grandfather turning over in his grave!”

13 Unscary Horror Movie Costumes (BOOOOO!)

By Andrew Blumetti

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Happy October everyone!

Bust out the crispy apples to bob, the bumpy pumpkins to carve, and the scary black cats to avoid.  It’s finally the spookiest time of the year, and I couldn’t be happier.  To celebrate, this post will begin a month’s worth of Halloween-centric topics.  From goofy costumes to Trick or Treating to horror movies, all writing/art during October will be a Halloween celebration.  Hope you enjoy!

Best witches,

-Andrew

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“I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.” 

– L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

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Now, if your tenth month of the year is anything like mine, your DVD player will be working overtime, playing every scary movie ever made all Halloween season long to put you in that perfect chilling mood.  (It’ll also be filled with purchasing bags of candy for trick-or-treaters way too early, and snacking on them all month long instead, but that’s really a story for another time.)

Seriously, these things won’t make it past October 2nd.

See the sun dropping earlier?  The air is getting chilly and you’re quick to break those hooded sweatshirts out of their long slumber, the only way to celebrate is to get the blood pumping by crankin’ up the terror.

It’s perfect time to throw on some comfy slippers, kick back with a warm cup of apple cider and watch Jason slash up some ill-fated teenage campers, hordes of mindless zombies descend upon the ramshackle house in Night of the Living Dead, and Leatherface rev up that grimy, rusty chainsaw to really ruin someone’s afternoon.

Horror movies and Halloween season go hand-in-hand in the most fun way possible.  It’s that eerie time of year we’re slightly more apprehensive to shut the lights in the kitchen or we may drive a little faster when we pass a cemetery at night.  For these 31 days, don’t imagine trying to walk in the dark without looking over your shoulder, even for just a split second.   You know, every creak, every squeak, every sound could be terror right around the corner, waiting to take you down.

Of corpse course, those same beloved horror anti-heros are a cash cow for the Halloween costume-business as well.

Let’s investigate further.  In 2013, when it comes to adult Halloween costumes, there’s basically four major categories to pick from:

1. Superhero (examples:  Batman, Superman, Spiderman, etc…)

Wow, they Photoshopped a girl in there pretty seamlessly, didn’t they?

2. Guy Who Makes a Giant Cardboard Facebook Profile Around His Head

Fact: Mark Zuckerberg gets a dollar every time you wear one of these.

3. Trashy ANYTHING (girls freezing their tails off to thoroughly skank up any costume or character available)

“Halloween, just the way your grandparents spent it.”

4. Scary (examples:  vampire, zombie, witches, monsters, horror movie characters, etc…)

BRAAAAAINS!!! (Hey zombies, don’t go to the trashy costume picture for those.)

(Blumes note:  Miley Cyrus costumes can count as numbers 3 AND 4)

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And category four is where we’re focusing today (I know, I know, we were all hoping for trashy ones, I kinda was too).

When pulled-off correctly, seeing our most feared and terrifying wet-your-pants-in-fear villains, ghouls, and goblins come to life, it can be a horrifying treat to experience.

Or… how when those same ghastly villains costumes aren’t pulled off correctly,  it’s well… cringeworthy comedy at its finest.

Lock the doors, turn on the lights, and get your best scream ready, cause it’s the Halloworst!

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CRAP COSTUME #1

Who’s that mess?:  Jason Voorhees

Film:  Friday the 13th

Estimated costume cost:  $2.00

But he should look like: 

And you wondered why the attendance at the Florida Panthers game is so low?

But why’s it a train wreck?:  True, true, the weaker Friday… films did feature lumbering camper-killer, Jason, with a smart, Supercuts-esque, well-quaffed, white guy-hairdo, complete with a red Aeropostale t-shirt, but c’mon fella, you look more like Jason Bateman than Jason Voorhees in that craptacular costume.

He should actually be careful, that mask is so cheap, it’s likely those air holes are just painted on.

——-

Hey kid,

Thanks for making me look less stupid.

Love,

Jason X

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CRAP COSTUME #2

Who’s that mess?:  Carrie White … I think

Film:  Carrie

Estimated costume cost:  $5.95

But she should look like: 

“Don’t you people think? All the fries will be ketchup-less now!”

But why’s it a train wreck?:  One time, many many long times ago, I felt my throat getting dryer than Harrison Ford on a talk show interview.  Yes, friends, it was that classic instinct- thirst.

Of course as fate would have it, all that was around was a bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red.  Sure, there’s questionable red dyes in it, but brotha, beggars can’t be choosers.  When you gotta quench, you gotta quench.

As I went to grab it, ‘ol butterfingers that I am, I dropped it like a total glom.  Shaken Mountain Dew isn’t safe by any means, but the intense thirst was winning, and I needed relief right then.

So, I turned the cap and BAM!!!   The sticky corn syrupy-soda exploded all over me, and I was covered in an embarassing red.

Bottom line of my story?  I looked more like Carrie than this girl does.

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CRAP COSTUME #3

Who’s that mess?:  Hannibal Lecter

Film:  The Silence of the Lambs

Estimated costume cost:  $6.00

But he should look like:  

If you think this is scary, you should’ve seen me in Freejack!

But why’s it a train wreck?:  Well, for starters, you couldn’t have a less intimidating kid playing Hannibal the Cannibal.  He’ll only get to trick or treat if he can unstuff himself from his high-school locker and get out before dark.

Lucky for him, I’m a “glass is half full” kind of guy.  On the plus side, when November 1st comes around, this goober can cut the bars off and make this thing into the beard he’ll never be able to grow.

That’s right, win/win buddy!  Blumes is lookin’ out for ya!

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CRAP COSTUME #4

Who’s that mess?:  Captain Spaulding

Film:  House of 1000 Corpses/The Devil’s Rejects

Estimated costume cost:  $3.00

But he should look like: 

“Wait, they’re using pretzel buns on burgers now?!?”

But why’s it a train wreck?:   Well, frankly, he’s sassy.  Like “jazz hands” kind of sassy.  That’s never a good look, especially for a dirty, scummy, merciless murdering clown.

Plus the painted-on facial hair, wacky uneven eyebrows and constipated face just come off as scary, but in all the wrong ways.

You gotta remember Flamboyant Spaulding, bran flakes are your friend in a time like this.  How do you think Freddy Krueger stays so regular?

“Two bowls of Raisin Bran a day, and I’m good to go!”

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CRAP COSTUME #5

Who’s that mess?:  Michael Myers

Film:  Halloween

Estimated costume cost:  $3.99

But he should look like: 

“You can’t trick me. I saw Home Alone, I’m not falling for that paint can on the stairs trap.”

But why’s it a train wreck?:  With all that time spent murdering people, how’s soft-rock Myers gonna keep his place playing bass for Michael Bolton’s backing band?

That’s a Michael Myers spread way too thin.

To Michael Myers: “How am I supposed to live without you?”

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CRAP COSTUME #6

Who’s that mess?:  Freddy Krueger

Film:  A Nightmare on Elm Street

Estimated costume cost:  -$0.02 (for stolen plastic utensil)

But he should look like: 

Freddy during Madonna’s “Vogue” craze. With those fingers, that was a painful time.

But why’s it a train wreck?:  ♪  “One, two, Freddy’s gonna eat stew”  ♪

Don’t fall asleep… at lunch?  Because Freddy’s back, working at a mid-range IT firm to haunt your dreams, torment your innocent soul, and mercilessly plastic spork your sad-self into a bloody pulp.

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CRAP COSTUME #7

Who’s that mess?:  Billy the Puppet

Film:  Saw

Estimated costume cost:  $12.50 (I didn’t charge for shoes)

But he should look like: 

“Maybe people would treat me with more respect if I went by ‘William the Puppet’. Sigh. “

But why’s it a train wreck?:  It’s not really a bad costume per say, the effort is surely there.  I just can’t get past the fact this adult on a tricycle spent his hard-earned dinero on a crappy magician’s tuxedo, Saw mask, and a shiny new bike, but decided that’s where the purse-strings closed, and usually-valuable shoes would have to suffer.

“Fred Flintstone-ing” your costume when it’s not required is a classic Halloween faux pas, and isn’t going to win you friends anytime soon.

Seriously–  try being at the party, talking to this creepy schlub with his grody, grungy feet sticking out within a five-foot radius of the dip, and tell me you’re not gonna lose your appetite and head for the nearest exit.

Also, this Billy mask features the hair of Roseanne Barr back during Roseanne Barr’s awful hairdo period.

YIKES!

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CRAP COSTUME #8

Who’s that mess?:  Chucky

Film:  Child’s Play

Estimated costume cost:  $4.99

But he should look like: 

Chucky: Still less scary than Carrot Top… and less painful.

But why’s it a train wreck?:  Procrastination never pays kids.

This is what happens when you wait till Halloween afternoon to buy your costume… at the dollar store.  And not even the good dollar store that sells Twix at two for a buck, it’s the one where you need to cry in the shower like Glenn Close in The Big Chill when you get home.

“Everything there was off-brand! What’s a Twankie?!?”

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CRAP COSTUME #9

Who’s That Mess?:  Micah Sloat and Katie Featherston

Film:  Paranormal Activity

Estimated costume cost:  $0.00.   Literally zero.

But they should look like: 

“Seriously kids, you literally had to dress up like white people. How’d you screw that up?”

But why’s it a train wreck?:  How could you not be a fan of the 2009 found-footage demon fest, Paranormal Activity?   Created on the budget of two iced frappes at Starbucks, its Hitchcockian-attack on the senses of “less is more” was a refreshing minimalist change from the gorefests that seem to overtake modern horror.

As for this low-grade attempt at the main character’s costumes, obviously these two derelicts just wore their Kool Aid-stained pajamas to a party.  In fact, I doubt if they even knew there was a costume party.  This was just a result of a sloppy lunch.   Or more likely, lunches.  

(Also note:  This girl is barefooting it.  It may be accurate, but still a major no-no.)

(Also note, part 2:  Check out that “mummy” sitting on the couch behind them.  That party has no standards whatsoever.  Can you imagine the chips they bought?)

“Is that those kids in the costume?!? Oh no, it’s a demon. Phew.”

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CRAP COSTUME #10

Who’s That Mess?:  Pennywise the Clown

Film:  Stephen King’s It

Estimated costume cost:  $6.50

But he should look like: 

“I’m smiling because my landscaping business is taking off so well.”

But why’s it a train wreck?:  Ask anyone who suffers from coulrophobia (fear of clowns), and many are certain to pinpoint their petrifying fear back to this devilish creature from one of Stephen King’s most famous works.  His eyes turn a terrifying yellow, he has razor-sharp fangs, and he yanks little boys to their untimely bloody deaths in the rain-drenched sewer like Dr. Smith in Lost in Space.

Well, show them this clown college reject, and their nose-honking, balloon-animal fear will go away faster than this clown’s self esteem did, apparent by his “I lost ALL of my money betting on the Giants game last week!” face. 

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CRAP COSTUME #11

Who’s that mess?:  Shaun Riley

Film:  Shaun of the Dead

Estimated costume cost:  $1.05 (for name tag)

But he should look like: 

“C’mon! This is NOTHING like the Thriller video!”

But why’s it a train wreck?:  From the neck-down, it’s actually not.

True, zombie-killer/slacker Shaun’s costume isn’t much more than a bloody white shirt and tie with an added bloody cricket bat, but the fact this guy looks like a Slayer roadie is really ruining the overall look.

and think of the fallout at the next Slayer concert…

Slayer:  Hey, this guitar string broke mid-song, get a replacement, quick!

(silence)

Slayer:  Geez, what’s taking so long?!?

Tour manager:  Your roadie is trick or treating.  We’ll have to cancel the concert.

Crowd:  BOOOOOOOOO!

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CRAP COSTUME #12

Who’s that mess?:  Regan MacNeil

Film:  The Exorcist

Estimated costume cost:  $1.00

But she should look like: 

“Fellas, I’m on Plenty of Fish… and available!”

But why’s it a train wreck?:  Somehow this girl managed to get out of bed, look like a total disaster, and still mess up the intended “get out of bed and look like a disaster” look that demonized youth, Regan has to endure in the horror classic, The Exorcist.  

And now, for your reading enjoyment, I was able to score an exclusive interview with Regan herself to get her opinion on this controversial costume issue:

Blumes:  Regan, can you please give me your feelings on this girl’s lame wannabe demon getup of you?

Regan:  

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CRAP COSTUME #13

Who’s that mess?:  Ghostface

Film:  Scream

Estimated costume cost:  $0.50

But he should look like: 

“I will finally get my revenge on Gordon Ramsay for kicking me off the show!”

But why’s it a train wreck?:  Go into any Walgreens or CVS store this time of year, and you’ll see a ton of these now classic Scream masks taking up residence on the shelf, and their prime selling point?  Most of them won’t break your bank in the least.

Yes, it’s a cheap costume that’ll give you little hat-hair, and hey, you’ll get the same amount of candy, right?

Apparently this  dude doesn’t get out much, seeing as how he decided to make his own crappy version and reak havoc on Japan by tickling his victims to death and running amok with all the yen he saved.

Look at him living it up…

“Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun!”

The Definitive Interview with Moira Quirk (Mo From GUTS)

By Andrew Blumetti

“Do You Have It?!?”

If you grew up a fan of 90’s golden-era Nickelodeon, that tagline should be no stranger to you.

… but bad news, if it is, man, you’re getting old.

1. Take one part American Gladiators…

2. Eliminate the ‘roids, awkwardly patriotic spandex, and truckloads of greasy body oil…

3. Insert helmet-wearin’, cherub-face kiddies…

Voila!  You now have Nickelodeon GUTS, the action sports competition that ran for four sweaty seasons on the kiddies’ cable network.  Hosted by jolly comedic actor Mike O’ Malley, GUTS pitted three tween contestants against one another in several sporting events to win colored ranking medals.

The grand prize was a “glowing” trophy– a piece of the “Aggro Crag”, the giant fabricated mountain that served as the game’s final obstacle race.  This prize apparently was so mesmerizing, it made the contestants forget Nickelodeon wasn’t giving them any actual money.

The kids were mildly adorable and goofball O’ Malley monopolized a majority of the screen time, but the real hidden GUTS-y gem was officiator/referee Moira “Mo” Quirk, owner of the most fun-to-impersonate accent to ever grace the channel.

For all of us Yanks who grew up only knowing Moira as “Mo the Ref”, you’d best know that black and white-striped ref jersey is just the tip of the iceberg for this talented British comedian/actress.

Moira has kept herself busy since the show’s ending in 1996.  An established stand-up comedian who has also done extensive acting and voice-over work for shows such as Nickelodeon’s animated My Life as a Teenage Robot, the podcast series The Radio Adventures of Dr. Floyd, Johnny Bravo, Happy Feet Two, and several video games.

You can currently catch Mo as the live-action host of the animated series Angelina Ballerina: The Next Steps and a number of upcoming projects.

I was lucky enough to have Moira as my first-ever interview, and I couldn’t have asked for a better choice.  Friendly, insightful, and always funny, we discussed that catchy-as-a-cold GUTS theme, conquering the rocky Crag, terrible British impressions, and what it’s like to be a Halloween costume.

Please check out Mo’s official site, and follow her on Twitter at @moiraquirkable.  Your funny-bone will send you a Hickory Farms sausage and cheese gift basket as a thank you. 

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BLUMES:  After seeing Nickelodeon revive their classic 90’s programming with their The 90’s Are All That!, do you ever take a moment to sit back and think that you were one of the most memorable faces from an era of television so many hold dear?

MO:  Maybe it’s because I’m English, but no!  I’m completely incapable of thinking that way!  But I do encounter many, many people who watched GUTS and are happy to meet me, and yes, that is nice to feel I was a happy part of their childhood.

I once bumped into Billy Connelly and all I could do was say “Oh!” as I looked up at him, but I felt a rush of remembering my best friend and myself sneaking his albums from her father’s collection and listening to his quite naughty comedy and just laughing and giggling away secretly in her room.  Of course, GUTS was not naughty or blue, but if I can elicit that same kind of “Oh!”, I’d say that’s quite nice.

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Do you ever get the GUTS theme song stuck in your head out of nowhere?  Seriously, sometimes I get that thing in my head and it’s harder to get out than peanut butter from the roof of your mouth.

Like an adventure hero who has inured himself to poison, it has no effect on me.

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Have you kept in touch with Mike ‘O Malley over the years?   Ever caught any of his television shows?

We do keep in touch.  He’s busy with work and family.  I’m busy with work and family, but we keep up with each other and I’m always happy to hear what he’s up to.  I did watch the first season of Glee and thought he was amazing.  A really touching performance- and Emmy nominated, I might add!

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If you Google “Nickelodeon GUTS Halloween costume”, there’s many a photo of a group dressed as contestants, complete with a “Mo” ref.  Now, I don’t know what it’s like to be a Halloween costume, unless “dorky white guy” becomes a popular costume next year.  Is it as cool as I’m thinking it is?

Yes, it is just that cool.  Also, as a practical person, I like how easy it is to assemble: a ref shirt, some ’90s spandex bike shorts and if you have a short, British woman to put in there, all the better.

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In the years since GUTS, you’ve certainly amassed quite the impressive resume, including stand-up comedy, cartoon voice-over work, and acting in film, television and theater amongst other endeavors.  Which has been your favorite to work on?

I did once get to say “if it hadn’t been for you meddling kids!” as the villain on a Scooby Doo episode, and I walked on air for a week or two after that!

Lately I have been performing in and recording a fair number of plays for radio and that is wonderful.  When I was a teen listening to plays on BBC Radio 4, I thought life would be pretty magnificent if I could do that.  Now, I do.  I get to do all sorts of plays from Restoration to Angry Young Man for LA Theatreworks/NPR and for the BBC.  It’s lovely.  But, whether it’s a game or a cartoon or a sitcom or web series, I really love my job!

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Doing voice-over work for animation seems like a barrel of monkeys… are there any personal favorite cartoons you’d like to work on one day?

I don’t even know if they are still in production, but Phineas and Ferb.  I love that show!  It is built on a foundation of kindness and silliness and it really makes me laugh.  My pal Dee Baker (also a Nickelodeon alum) voices Perry.

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Who were your comedic inspirations growing up?  Do you follow any current comedians?

I have been lucky enough to see Zach Galifianakis when he was doing open mics years and years ago.  I’ve seen Eddie Izzard.  I would have loved to see Mitch Hedberg.  I love Maria Bamford and Jackie Kashian.  I think Catherine Tate is wonderful.

There are all sorts of comedians I love.  Eddie Pepitone and Frank Conniff always make me laugh.  Wow, this is turning into a long- and obviously disjointed- list.  When I was growing up we would always put in a Jasper Carrott tape in if we were going on a drive.  He’s British and did story based comedy.  Or some Monty Python.

Coming to America and going through my husband and uncle’s record collections introduced me to Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby among others.  Currently, I’m watching Louie (Louie C.K.) on Netflix.  I think he’s pretty amazing.

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Funniest movie of all time???  GO!

Nope.  Not fair!  But, off the top of my head, here’s a list of movies I like to see about once a year:

Withnail and I

Some Like it Hot

Hot Fuzz

The In-Laws- the original

Born Yesterday

40 Year-Old Virgin

Funny Bones

Bowfinger

Jeeves and Wooster (The Hugh Laurie/Stephen Fry version)

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On your official site, you have a clip of your stand-up routine about Americans oddly imitating British accents.   I am guilty of a pretty terrible one myself.  Are we all that bad?  Does every fake British accent mention tea? Cause that’s pretty much our go-to move.

For ‘go to’ moves it’s not a bad one.  I believe my husband wins the prize for best worst English accent.  It makes me cry… laughing.

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Now, a couple questions about the “Aggro Crag” on GUTS, did you ever get a chance to climb that thing?  Due to my petrifying fear of heights, I’d make it about 10 feet up and freeze.  I would’ve been shown in GUTS blooper reels.   Did they ever give you one of the glowing green prize trophy pieces to keep?

I did conquer the Crag.  I do own a “piece of it.”  It’s in the garage.

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Since you are a professional comic, I’ll ask your opinion- I love to tell terrible jokes… Please rate this joke on a scale of 1-10 (1 being awful, 10 being a “better” awful):  

Why did Dracula take cough medicine?

To stop his coffin.

Oh, that’s awfully good.

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If we started a campaign to get you on Dancing With the Stars in a future season, how do you think you’d fare?

Um, not well.

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What’s going on in Mo-Land these days?  What are your current projects where we can see/hear/laugh along?

There’s a few actually.  I’m in a new web series called “Dirty Work” .  Check out this LA Times article.

I’m in the third season of the web series “Pretty”.

I recorded “Look Back in Anger” for LA Theatreworks, that has aired on various NPR stations nationwide.

“Dracula” will air on various NPR stations again this Halloween

I’m currently recording an X-Com game playing a cold and clinical scientist.

Star Wars: The Old Republic,  The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim – I’ve been getting some nice feedback on those.

I have big intentions with regard to social media! Maybe actually pay attention to Facebook, and updating my woefully outdated website and YouTube channel, and, oh, I don’t know, actually starting tweeting (@moiraquirkable).

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A big thank you to Moira Quirk for her time and for being a fantastic first interview on A Blumes With A View!