Fridge Over Troubled Water!– Food That Looks Like Simon & Garfunkel

By Andrew Blumetti

(insert obnoxious microphone feedback)

Testing, testing… Hello hello all!

Let me be the first to wish a very happy Wednesday to all reading.

So how are all you excellent people in Blogland doing?   If I may say so myself, you’re all looking extra fantastic, as I hope this late September day is treating you not just super, but super-duperly.

I realize the title to this post seems particularly odd, (even by the standards of a blog that featured posts about both Kato Kaelin and Frankenberry last week) but your good buddy Blumes would like to have a split second of your time, to ask a quick favor of you.

Just a simple show of hands will do the trick, and we can get this show on the road.

Everyone currently reading who’s played a show at the famous Great Lawn in Central Park to half a million adoring fans, please raise your hand.

…

…

Ok, put your hand down you wisenheimers.

…well, unless you happen to be Paul Simon or Art Garfunkel, then by all means leave it up.

But I highly doubt that’s the case here though, Garfunkel is only a casual reader of my blog at best.

(In order of ascending height:  Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel, a fern, Art Garfunkel’s ‘fro.) 

The classic folk-pop duo of Simon & Garfunkel are universally heralded as one of the quintessential music acts of the 1960’s–  a decade already chock full of some of the most iconic and critically acclaimed music ever created.

They will forever be synonymous with 1967’s Dustin Hoffman-riffic cinematic gem, (wait… sorry, I meant this one) The Graduate, and sculpting the soundtrack of a changing generation at a turbulent time in American history, whose sugary-sweet harmonies, catchy-as-a-cold choruses, and gently strummed guitar chords resonate with listeners nearly five decades later.

Yes, simply stated, a man with a head of Brill-on-growth-hormones and his foot-shorter band-mate are truly an American musical treasure whose majestic voices will be their everlasting legacy.

The Hamburglar… UNMASKED!

Well, the general rule of this absurd blog is to take something of grandeur, unspeakable talent, and immense cultural success and pretty much give it a sloppy boys’ room swirlie and lower it to a fourth-grade level of humor.

So without any further koo-koo-ka-choo-ado, I now present “art of Art”…  a treat for both the ear and taste buds.  Let’s put the fun in Garfunkel, cause it’s…

“FOOD THAT LOOKS LIKE SIMON & GARFUNKEL”

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COURSE #1:  LEAVES THAT ARE GREEN

Sad but true, none of us are getting any younger, and as time goes by, we just can’t gobble down delicious Burger King every night anymore like we used to.  Do your aching body a favor and start your meal off right with nature’s vitamin-filled gift to us: healthy, fresh picked vegetables.

Plus, this veggie version of Simon and Garfunkel can help us remember the salad days of meaningful fork… err… folk rock.

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COURSE #2:  STILL CRAZY AFTER ALL THESE BEERS!

For those of you who scoff at the idea of a boring healthy salad, we’ve got a deep-fried treat for you…

Kick back at your favorite watering hole, order an ice-cold bottle of suds, some steaming hot Buffalo wings, and enjoy the kickoff in high-style with this tasty Sim-Funk treat.  Just make sure your favorite team doesn’t Garfumble. 

Blumes note:   Hooters, please call me or Paul Simon to work this idea into a promotion.  Or Hooters waitresses- you can call me too…  either way.

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COURSE #3:  TREATS AT THE SCARBOROUGH FAIR

As Autumn finally takes flight, evening chills kick in, replacing balmy summer’s flip flops and light shorts with warm, cozy sweatshirts and fuzzy slippers.

…but fret not warmth lovers, you don’t have to say adios to summer just yet when there’s this fluffy Garfunkel cotton candy and sticky Simon candy apple to keep you company, reminding you of festive carnival nights, deep into the chilly pumpkin season.

Can’t you just picture the greasy carnies and Tilt-a-Whirl of questionable quality already? 

 

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COURSE #4:  BAKERY BOOKENDS

Cavity alert! 

Notorious stick-in-the-mud, Dr. Oz, might condescendingly wave his junk-food-hating finger to warn you of this code-red caloric duo, but if your sweet tooth can resist this dessert-y Art and Paul, you’ve got more willpower than I do.

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COURSE #5:  THE SALTS OF SILENCE

Q:  What’s drier than the humor of a British-sitcom?

A:  Your parched throat when you scarf down endless handfuls of these delicious folky snacks.

Just don’t forget… once you pop, you can’t stop, especially if it’s these heavenly folded-up types of potato chips.   Simon says:  slow down!

 

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COURSE #6:  I AM A ROCKY ROAD

Now we all know where Joe Dimaggio went… to get some relief for a nasty brain freeze.

Tongue on the roof of your mouth Joe D., tongue on the roof of your mouth!

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Encore! Encore! I mean leftovers!

“Call me short ONE MORE TIME… I dare ya!”

Hey, This Looks Gross. (The Ice Cream Edition)

By Andrew Blumetti

Crap news everyone:  summer’s pretty much kaput.

Nearly a week into September and as the calendar inches closer and closer to greet autumn, the telltale signs of the season around us are awfully difficult to miss.

The glowing evening sun drops a bit earlier now into the snowcone-colored horizon, the sound of giggling children running around under a sprinker in the warm afternoon heat is absent, the once brightly-blooming red and pink flowers have become less thirsty, the whistle blow is about to kick off the new football season, and spooky Halloween costumes and decorations have started to fill the aisles of the local Party City.

In no time, we’ll be pouring glasses of tangy apple cider, raking crunchy leaves, and carving scary faces into big bumpy pumpkins.

Ready or not, we’re on a head-on collision with fall.

Another all-too obvious sign– the nighttime mercury is slowly dipping lower and lower as the days pass.  Granted, it’s not quite chilly enough yet for the polar bears to come around to raise their frosty paw to greet you hello, but a cool smack in the face when you’re used to mild temperatures and air conditioning for the past four months.

There’s still time to enjoy some warm afternoons, but caution you jacket-wearing haters, it’s a warning sign;  a realization for all of us to take that last gulp of a dwindling summer, because it’s going to be totally gone before we have time to blink.   Before you know it, the Jets will be 0-6, it’ll be dark at 5pm, and Jenny McCarthy will be a daily fixture on The View.  Better pop the top down on that convertible and enjoy the breeze, blast some Beach Boys, enjoy wearing shorts, and enjoy one more delicious summer ice cream cone while you still can.

Just tread carefully– As the warmth dies down and the frozen treat business begins to hit the autumnal breaks, the ice cream parlors may have a slightly weaker selection than we were used to back in the balmy summer months.

Be prepared like a boy scout, and have a backup flavor on hand, cause if you get to that counter, taste buds all ready and mouth salivating, just to find out strawberry’s done for the season, you may be stuck with one of these disgusting dairy disasters:

 

(For part one of the “Hey, This Looks Gross.” series, “The Gummy Edition”, click here.)

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LOBSTER ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  5

Why’s it So Gross?:  In the crustacean world, this pinchy red fella reigns supreme.  He brings the “turf” in a surf and turf platter, makes for a costly dinner, and looks mighty delicious… despite his hard-to-avoid spider-ish features.

Well, at one Phoenix ice cream parlor, its “Maine” attraction is a fresh ocean-caught lobster… mixed with milk, cream and ice, and stuffed in a cone for you to suffer through for three licks, just to have an ice breaker story to use on girls at cocktail parties.

I guess it could be worse… lobster is tasty after all, but if you can’t wear a bib, what’s the point really?

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GREEN PEA ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  3

Why’s it So Gross?:  Because you belong in soup!  Or at least being hidden in some bratty kid’s napkin so his parents think he willingly eats his veggies.

Also, pay attention, because if “pea” on the sign is a typo and should’ve been spelled “pee”, you’re in for a world of disappointment…  and nonstop vomiting.

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RAW HORSE FLESH ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  10

Why’s it So Gross?:  Saddle up!  This is the surefire winner at the Kent-yucky Derby…

This slop sure makes pea ice cream sound like a Heaven-sent treat, doesn’t it?   I don’t know what country serves this equine mess, but the vanilla and chocolate have to be just plain terrible to have to resort to chomping on Mr. Ed for a refreshing summer treat.

Run like Secretariat in the other direction.

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“DRACULA” GARLIC ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  4

Why’s it So Gross?:  Warning:  If you’re gonna have an interview with this vampire, you may want to wear a gas mask.

Makes you wonder how bad the breath was on the cows who provided this milk.  The whole Twilight vamp-trend has gotten way out of hand when we’ve stooped to this level.

Actually, putting Dracula’s name on the carton is a bit of a head-scratcher, seeing as how this is the last thing he’d want in his freezer, right?  It’d go perfectly right next to a bag of Sun Chips, steaks, and the “Silver Bullet”- a can of Coors.

The big downfall to this stinky dessert is that aside from keeping vampires away, it’ll keep the ladies at an even further distance.  Fangs for nothing!

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CHUNKY BACON ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  0

Why’s it So Gross?:  I don’t know if it is actually.  Bacon rarely lets you down, and despite the initial reaction to the strange taste marriage, this might boil down to some simple cardiac-nightmare food math:

bacon = delicious

ice cream = delicious

bacon ice cream = delicious

… and this timeless quote from John Travolta’s lips to your ears:

“…but bacon tastes good, pork chops taste good…”– Vincent Vega, Pulp Fiction

Pass me a spoon.

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WHALE MEAT ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  8

Why’s it So Gross?:  Hey, Willy didn’t get freed just to end up on a cone at a Friendly’s in the Far East.  This might have sold better if they used a clever name like “ShaMOO”.  Ya know, a whale with a cow?

(insert elbow nudge)

Move over Fudgie the Whale.

Oh, don’t start spouting out judgment on me now.

Thank you, thank you, please tip your waitress.

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CICADA ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  9

Why’s it So Gross?:   Look, not to be mean, but I don’t want to listen to the guy’s music, why would I want to eat his ice cream?

Wait… what’s that?

Correction: It’s just come to my attention this is actually referring to a cicada, the nasty ear-shattering humming bug with the wings the size of a coffee table, not Jon Secada, the Latin pop singer.

Hmmm, well, that really changes…  well, nothing.

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SOY SAUCE ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  3

Why’s it So Gross?:  Let’s crack open the fortune cookie–  Confucius says:  If the goal of your dessert is to eat it, get full, then become hungry an hour later, this is the frozen treat for you.

Eater beware- soy sauce may look like chocolate syrup, but tastes like pure concentrated salt.  This stuff will have you downing water till the cows come home.  And of course when the cows come home, they’ll just make more stupid soy sauce ice cream.

It’s a vicious cycle really. 

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PIT VIPER SNAKE ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  7

Why’s it So Grossssssssss? (see what I did there?):  “I’m sick of these $@#! Snakes on this $@#! plate!”

FACT: In Tokyo, nine out of ten times when someone vomits, it’s followed by, “Man, it must’ve been that snake ice cream I had earlier”. 

Apparently, this is considered an aphrodisiac in Japan, but they also gave us Yankees pitcher Kei Igawa, so I don’t know what to believe anymore. 

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BAY LEAF ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  1

Why’s it So Gross?:  It’s not gross, but more deadly to be accurate.  Honestly, do you really want your eventual coroner’s report to read like this?

“The deceased choked to death when their airway sealed up from a razor-sharp bay leaf that never softened.  The bay leaf was inside ice cream they willingly purchased, level of sobriety being questionable at best.  So it’s a safe bet the deceased was not too bright in the first place.  No real loss.”

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OX TONGUE ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  8

Why’s it So Gross?:  You know these X’s and O’s stand for anything but kisses and hugs.

Do we really need a reason why this stinks?  Throw a dart, and you’ll hit either of the magic words–

1.  “ox”

2.  “tongue”

Because nothing screams out “refreshing treat” like another tongue touching yours. Bring the whole family!

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BREAST MILK ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  11, 12, 13… Don’t stop counting actually…

Why’s it So Gross?:  I never thought I’d have to say these words:  I’d rather eat a whole gallon of horse flesh ice cream before I touch this heinous stuff.

Some boob (huddla huddla) in London decided this was a good idea to serve, but there’s a microscopic chance this people-food doesn’t come back up and end up painting the tile floor in seconds.

I also read that Lady Gaga became angry about the name, “Baby Gaga” and considered a law suit against the makers of this scream-worthy ice cream.

Makes sense, we wouldn’t want anything weird to be associated with Lady Gaga. 

Sad Character Ice Pops: A Tearjerker

By Andrew Blumetti

Ruff Ruff!

That’s the sound of the dog days of summer coming upon us, sizzling, sultry hot days that grab on, pump up the mercury, and won’t let go.

Luckily, we can kick Mother Nature in her butt with our first-world remedies.  Pools are ready for obnoxious cannonballers, soaking sprinklers are begging to be run through, and air conditioners are blasting an arctic-y full force that could keep a week-old cadaver intact.

Although if you’re like me, and you haven’t seemed to mature out of the third grade, you’re not too proud to grab a couple dead prezzies when you hear that ice cream truck’s joyful music coming down your street (plus, everyone knows food out of a truck always tastes better anyway).  The walls of faded pictures triple-scotch-taped to the side of the truck are full of perennial favorites you hope they have in stock- Bomb Pops, Choco Tacos, ice cream sandwiches, snow cones… boy howdy, it’s almost overwhelming.

When those tried-and-true favorites just seem a little vanilla, why not fight off that sweaty tubby kid next to you and grab the last character-ice pop instead?  They’re truly the apex of a fun chilled treat.  Plus, there’s that added bonus of opening the package and getting a nice chuckle when they end up looking like this…

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-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Michelangelo goes to the looney bin:

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– This vampire Spongebob gives new meaning to the word “suck”:

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– Creepy stalker Dora knows where you live ……(long pause)…

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-Na na na na na na na na Crapman!!!  This was after a scuffle with Mr. Freeze:

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-Super Mario may be the money name, but Luigi wouldn’t have pulled this:

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– Wolverine and Spiderman- my Spidey sense is melting!

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-This Powerpuff Girl will most likely kill you while you sleep:

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– See what running around all those loops does to you Sonic?

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– Darth Vader’s cameo in 28 Days Later ended up on the cutting room floor:   

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-Snoopy’s face looks like a Picasso Cubism painting.  Kids don’t care about that:

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-HULK MELT!   I MEAN, SMASH!!!

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– We now know that Tweety Bird is just a yellow skull with blue eyes:

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-Pink Panther needs an exorcism!

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– Normally Pokemon’s slogan is to “catch ’em all”.  We’ll pass this time:

:

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-King Kong is made out of “gorilla berry” flavor.  Between you and me, I honestly didn’t know that was a flavor.

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– Man, not even the summer sun ruins Jimmy Neutron’s killer pompadour…

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– This Bratz ice pop is hypnotizing in the most frightening way…

 

Some photos courtesy of Meredith Allen.