My Favorite Super Bowls (That May or May Not Have Happened)

By Andrew Blumetti

Well, this certainly didn’t happen.

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February.

Talk about getting the most bang for your buck.  They really do pack a lot into a little month, don’t they?

In a mere twenty eight days, we’re graced with a bountiful bevy of winter celebration–  Valentine’s Day, Groundhog Day, President’s Day, Mardi Gras, Black History Month, Spring Training, and the most important of ‘em all (after Spring Training of course), there’s the great American holiday of Super Bowl Sunday, the biggest party since New Year’s Eve, only one month ago.

While granted, February’s short run is not as eventful as the unseen four weeks during 28 Days Later, but it makes me happy to celebrate my birthday during what would normally end up being a freezing, snowy, boring month with a girly-colored wuss birthstone.

Are you kidding me?

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Living in the greater New York area, especially within earshot of Giants Stadium (or MetLife Snoopy Stadium, or whatever it’s called now), the excitement, traffic, and overall buzz has been ramped up to a Spinal Tap-worthy 11 as the Denver Broncos go mono-a-mono with the Seattle Seahawks for all the gusto and glamor of gridiron glory.  It’s truly rocky vs. rainy in the Legal Marijuana Bowl.

Blumes note:  This offer still stands!  Now half price! 

But frankly, it’s Friday, January 31st, this is all old hat by now.

At this point, you’ve been endlessly bombarded with Super Bowl ads, magazine covers, news reports, cocky fans, and nonstop party planning for weeks now.  When Monday morning comes, and you’re more chili than man, you’ll undoubtedly know the Super Bowl had come and left its mark.

But that’s not who this article is for. 

Maybe you’re not a fan of hawks or horses, perhaps Richard Sherman’s post-game interview rubbed you the wrong way, or heck, or maybe you’re one of those people seriously considering a 7th Heaven marathon instead of football this weekend.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Your special teams for the Oakland Raiders!

Of course that doesn’t mean you won’t find yourself enjoying the festivities of Super Bowl Sunday.  Dr. Oz-unfriendly food, offensively expensive commercials (that always feature a baby doing something un-babyish), the sickeningly adorable Puppy Bowl, and trying to get your greased-up fingers to press the remote buttons to change the channel as Bruno Mars performs at halftime- this Sunday is a bombastic event that will please folks of all tastes.  …as evident by this walk down memory lane of some truly classic and heavily unorthodox Super Bowl games of yore.

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1. SUPER BOWL XXXII: BATMAN VS. STORMTROOPERS

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na SAFETY!

 

As John Madden once called it in a most clever anagram, “Capes vs. Space”, this battle royale pitted The Dark Knight vs. the Imperial Army for 60 minutes of a nerdtastic pigskin extravaganza.  After a first quarter that was heavy on the Big D, Commissioner Gordon’s 45 yard rush into the endzone to close out the first half put Team Gotham up on top.

No guts, no glory, as the ‘Troopers marched their way back in the 4th quarter.

The second half was a superhero explosion of history-making offense as holy touchdowns Batman!—  the Caped Crusader aired it out to the Boy Wonder (who took a time out from cheerleading) in the Gotham endzone.

But, when the going gets tough, the tough get going, as the Stormtroopers, with their armored backs against the wall, bounced back to tie the game as the 2-minute warning approached.  Coach Vader flipped a crap when an ill-timed interception by Alfred the Butler spelled death for the Star Wars crew with the Bats taking home the trophy to Gotham City with a score of 28-21.

Go Team! Arwwwwwaaaaaaaarrrrrrahahahahahhaahhhhaa!!!!

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2.  SUPER BOWL XI:  KISS BOWL  (AKA THE TOILET BOWL)

 

“I wanna hike the ball all night!”

And you thought the Jaguars were bad…

Nothing screams out “gridiron glory” like mime makeup and gaudy platform shoes on men, but that’s why the KISS bowl was so unique.

Walking embarrassment Gene Simmons bit his long cow tongue as he slipped on his own fake blood on no less than three occasions, turning the usually triumphant game into a fumble-filled lowlight reel.  Pain in the ace, Mr. Frehley, shanked four field goal attempts, and starchild, Paul Stanley?   Well, he might as well have been the MVP… for the other team.

Chest hair and touchdowns!  Not just for Joe Namath anymore!

As far as scoring went, it was Detroit Block City.  The spandexed makeuped-ones never did touch the endzone, as KISS went down in defeat to good taste 49-0.

The best worst part was that they weren’t even asked to play the halftime show.  That honor went to The Doobie Brothers.

The great part about being KISS, is you can sell any crap you want at the souvenir stands…

 

The epilogue to this heavy metal tale of the 100 yards:  KISS never did get back to the Super Bowl, but on the plus side, KISS never did get back to the Super Bowl.

That jersey has the actual number of KISS fans left on Earth.

 

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3.  SUPER BOWL XLV:  ZOMBIE BOWL

Let’s have a hand for the hometeam!

It may have been only three years ago, but who could forget when the undead took down scalpers stadium-wide and invaded the turf during the timeless showdown of the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers?

Turning Aaron Rodgers into an Aaron Rodgers kabob?  Transforming Clay Matthews into an undead Thor?  Sending “Big Ben” Roethlisberger to the sideline to finally get some brains?

It all happened.  I guess.

Indigestion from overindulging in extra hot Buffalo wings rendered Daryl and Michonne practically useless that Sunday.

While the gameplay may have been painfully lumbering and a bit lethargic at times, it was no worse than any given Cleveland Browns game on a random Sunday.

The “Running Dead” tried to bite Tim Tebow on the sidelines, but he was immune to it.

But if Broadway has taught us anything, (and I guess it has…) —  the show must go on, flesh eaters or not.

Time will tell us that the zombies vs. zombies Super Bowl was a tad gory, maybe too confusing at times, and it may have taken five days to finish, but in the end, it was much less traumatizing than the Black Eyed Peas halftime show.

4th Down of the Dead!

 

One would be safe to assume the zombie apocalypse and certain doomsday would put a damper on the game’s festivities, with all the undead cannibalism and spilled guts, but the TV ratings reached an all-time high.  The NFC z-team ended up hoisting the Vince Lombardi Trophy, rotting limbs and all, bringing it back to frigid Green Bay where decaying slows down like Kirstie Alley’s metabolism.

THE ZOMBIES HAVE BECOME HIDEOUS!

The trophy had to be immediately sent out to be cleaned and shined due to the high volume of blood on it …on a weekly basis.

(On a positive note, in the zombie onslaught, Steelers safety Troy Polamalu was attacked, but escaped by a “hair”.)

Parking was tighter than George Costanza’s wallet…

…but the tailgating was awesome!

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4.  SUPER BOWL XLII:  THE RETURN OF BUD BOWL

 

 

Eli vs. Tom- buds for life!

 

For those too young to remember, the Bud Bowl was an early 90’s stop-motion beer bottle football tour de force that found its home during commercial breaks, squeezed in between multi-million dollar ads for Crystal Pepsi and The Bodyguard soundtrack.  It was a kick-glass all-out brawl between Budweiser and Bud Light.  Even as a long retired campaign, for me, that fateful Sunday in 2008 always be the year that the suds saved football.

Hut, hut… HOPS!!!

 

Phoenix, AZ–  When a thunderous monsoon that would’ve knocked over human brick wall, Howie Long, hit, it kept planes grounded and prevented both the Pats and G-Men from making their way into warm, sunny Arizona, the NFL pooped their britches, panicked and pooped them some more.

“But I wanna go on the PLAAAANNEE!!”

Sadly, cancelling the big game seemed like the only choice left, seeing as how there was no way to get the unfortunate stranded teams into the balmy city in time.  Luckily, the answer was only a bar away…

Long dead since 1997, a time when candy-lovin’ alternarock trio Marcy Playground was brimming with untapped potential, the beer bottles were called off the bench as Bud Bowl sat in as the substitute teacher for the real teams.   It was truly like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but for drunks.

“My nose is red cause I’m half in the bag!”

The bottles tossed on the teams’ uniforms, and no one in the massive Arizona crowd was the wiser.  Nearly sixty minutes of play time and we all know what happened next-   Ale-I Manning to Beer David Tyree (what a good pick in the draft), the miraculous helmet catch, and a near-perfect season for New England ended in an 18-1 conclusion, as the bottled Big Blue were swimming in confetti in the Big Apple soon after.

No feelings were bottled-up in this game…

Understandably, in Massachusetts, spirits were wicked low, and where did they go?  To a bar of course.  NORM!

“Sammy, I’ve told you for years that beer saves all.”

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5.  SUPER BOWL XLIV: GAME MVP- ABE LINCOLN

Four Scores!  … and seven years ago.

 

For a few brief hours, the “L” in NFL stood for Lincoln.

We all know Abraham Lincoln was a president, emancipator, and a vampire hunter, but do you remember Abe’s big-time appearance in the Super Bowl?

The bearded one was called in to play when Peyton Manning had to leave the game early to film an impromptu Kraft Macaroni and Cheese commercial.   He ran out, flying past the cheerleaders, zooming by the mascots, with the glisten of anger in his eyes, sweat on his brow, and a chin beard so mighty, the heavens above stopped to gaze in majestic awe.

The stovetop hat was thrown down, the shoulder pads were thrust on, and that pigskin flew like you wouldn’t believe.  It was going perfect, until… clumsy ox Drew Brees went down with a pulled hamstring on the slippery turf.  And being the helpful chap he is, ‘ol Honest Abe took the reigns and stood in for him as well, changing uniforms as the Colts defensive squad ran out.

He abolished the slaves, and demolished the Colts…

As the clock struck zero, the Big Easy soon was celebrating with the sounds of jazz and firey-cajun food up the wazoo as Abe Lincoln received an early birthday gift- a declaration as Super Bowl MVP.

It was rumored plentiful posterior-ed socialite Kim Kardashian emancipated her relationship with then-Saints running back, Reggie Bush, that night to lock lips with the sixteenth prez.

And how did A-Linc become so good at football? 

Just how you get to Carnegie Hall…  Practice.

Note:  Sadly, Lincoln’s pro-career was cut short the following pre-season when Ravens linebacker John Wilkes Booth broke Lincoln’s legs.

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Enjoy your Super Bowl weekend!  As usual, please Fed-Ex any uneaten chicken wings to me. 

White People: Ruining Hip-Hop Halloween Costumes Since the 80’s… OR MAKING BETTER?!?

By Andrew Blumetti

 

Welcome to an area definitely far outside of my wheelhouse.

Anyone who has spent just ten minutes around me can tell you I have about as much grasp on the hip-hop culture as the Jacksonville Jaguars have on a shiny Vince Lombardi trophy.

Popular terms like “yo” and “holla” would look like bad French spilling out of my awkward mouth.  Plus, the word “crunk” is totally lost on me, I can’t explain why there are so many grown men with “Lil” in their name, and don’t get me started on size stickers on flat-brimmed baseball caps.

I’ll admit- it’s simply not my forte, and will most likely never be, which I’m very happy with. Truthfully, it’s good to know deep-down what you like and what genuinely works for you.  (If more people followed that basic idea, maybe Garth Brooks wouldn’t have done this.)

But after looking at these Titanic-sized swings-and-miss costumes of some of the most legendary names in hip-hop, maybe I can pull it off better than I initially gave myself credit for.

“Wow, Blumes is talking about rap? I must be REALLY high, even by Snoop Dogg standards!”

If rap culture has spent the past three decades establishing itself as the cutting edge of trendy fashion, popular vernacular, and sleek style- well then these crappy cracker-crazy costumes just pushed that progress back about two of those decades.

So, together, let’s get down with our funky selves, bust out some killer breakdancing skills, and blast the soundtrack for October 2013. I invite you to throw on “Tennessee” (that song was cool, right?), blast out those human beatboxes (now I know those have to be cool) and get yourself ready for a not so hip-hop Halloween…

Word. 

(W)RAP IT UP, THESE COSTUMES STINK!

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 COSTUME #1:  HAIR-RAISING BAD

I think that’s…  Christopher “Kid” Reid, the eraser-haired half of early 90’s duo, Kid N’ Play

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

Sure, in 2010, having an official Pauly D. blow-out wig and some orange Oompa Loompa makeup could’ve turned you into the hippest guido on the block at Halloween parties, but what do you do with that wig when it’s 2013?

Simple!  Follow these easy steps…

1. Pull that dusty Jersey Shore wig out of the crawl space.
2. Grab a bottle of Elmer’s Glue, two if necessary.
3. Dump it on and spike that sucka straight up to the Heavens.
4. Pop it on your noggin.
5. Proceed to try and impress the ladies with a rap costume from before they were born. 
6. Go home dateless! 

Street Cred Score (From 1-10):  1

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COSTUME #2:  “KEEP THE CHANGE YA FILTHY ANIMAL.”

I think that’s… 50 Cent, popular 21st Century rapper/human target/entrepreneur/partial investor of Vitamin Water beverage.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

“It’s got grapes in it! And if you let it sit, then it’ll have raisins in it!”

Well, if someone’s gotta be shot nine times, I think this guy’s costume may make him a prime candidate.

If you’re American, this scenario will ring true…

To satisfy that overwhelming hunger craving, you run out to the nearest convenience store and grab a bag of delicious, delicious Doritos and all their nacho-cheesy greatness.  All ready to rip that bag open and orange-powder-up your fingers, you look down at the jingling store change resting in your palm, and see a freakin’ Canadian quarter sitting in there!

How’d that thing weasel its way in there?!?

They’re like a plague. Next to worthless here, they won’t work in vending machines or parking meters, and the only hope to rid yourself of them is to pawn them off on some other sucker.

Well, leave it to the Canadians to get creative at Halloween, as we see the white guy take on 50 Cent.  Personally, I would’ve been more impressed if he gave it a twisted spin and made a costume of “The Human 50 Cent-ipede” instead, but that’s probably too much change*.

Street Cred Score:  ½ (or .50)

*  Even I thought that joke was horrible!  

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COSTUME #3:  DON’T TOUCH THIS!

I think that’s… M.C. Hammer, superstar of the early 90’s whose pants doubled as a tarp for the infield at Fenway Park.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

“I’m hiding all my extra parachute pants inside of this pair that I’m currently wearing!”

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What can I say about this costumed dingus that the picture doesn’t already scream out?  (AKA…. bad puns approaching…)

• He’s not “2 legit” and if anyone should quit, we’re looking right at him.

• He certainly didn’t “nail” the Hammer costume…  wokka wokka.

• And he shouldn’t bother saying “U Can’t Touch This”, the women at the Halloween party already made that decision for him the second he walked in.

Street Cred Score:  1.  (But to be fair, that’s the same number as the actual Hammer, so kudos, guy.)

Psy! We can wear these pants together in the unemployment line!”

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COSTUME #4:  HELLO NASTY…COSTUMES

I think that’s… The Beastie Boys, groundbreaking New York hip-hop trio who fought for your right to party.  Don’t forget that, ingrates.

But don’t they actually look like…?

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Their Beasties threads, while pretty simple, actually aren’t all that bad. Although these three goobers are skirting right on the edge of looking like bad Smurfs rejects, who also happen to hang out together.

Geez, where’s Gargamel when you need him?

♪ “No… Sleep… TILL BROOKLYN!” ♪

Street Cred Score:  8

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COSTUME #5:  WRONG SPICE GIRLS

I think that’s… Salt-N-Pepa, the 90’s female hip-hoppers who weren’t TLC.

But don’t they actually look like…?

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These half-dressed girls went with these last-minute no-frills Salt-N-Pepa Halloween costumes when their Thelma & Louise ones didn’t arrive in time.

See ladies?  This is why it’s so important to have an extra emergency floozy outfit hanging around.  Just in case…

Stop! Or my mom will SHOOP!

Street Cred Score:  3

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COSTUME #6:  SLIM SHODDY

I think that’s… Eminem, one of the world’s best-selling artists of the past 30 years.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

One of Slim Shady’s most prolific singles is the 2000 hit, “Stan”, a near-frightening narrative of stalkerish fan-obsession gone overboard.  Safe to say this dude may have been his target audience for that signature tune, as this doesn’t look like a costume as much as it does an everyday borderline-unhealthy walking homage to the famous Detroitian.

But try as I might, I just can’t trash smart, frugal shopping.  When your Halloween costume consists of just a single bottle of peroxide, it leaves more cash to blow on generically hum-drum tattoos.

Street Cred Score:  6

“After seeing that costume, this is now the SECOND most awkward moment of my life.”

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COSTUME #7:  DUMP DUMP!

 

I think that’s… Kris Kross, backwards-clothes-wearing duo who had one more member than hit songs. Half a hit each guys, not too shabby!

But don’t they actually look like…?

These dufus-y costumes will make you jump jump!… of a cliff.

Well, to be fair- these Kris Kross-inspired backwards-threads would look equally stupid on everyone, regardless of race.

Better watch the amount of liquids you’re intaking at the party gentlemen, keep in mind the fly in those pants is on the wrong side now.  You don’t want to imagine the cringeworthy embarrassment of telling the doctor you ruptured your bladder because you couldn’t access the zipper on your dumb Kris Kross pants in time?

His medical diagnosis?

“That’s wiggity wiggity wiggity whack!   I’m writing you a prescription for anti-whack pills.  Take two and call me in the morning.” 

Street Cred Score:  3

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COSTUME #8:  CERTAINLY NOT KOSHER

I think that’s… Tupac Shakur, the late gangsta rapper/current hologram, who is somehow still releasing records nearly two decades after his death.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

This is just like my tattoo, but it says “HUG LIFE” instead.

Mazel Tov!

Two guys, no shirts, half a brain.

Tupac… Jewish?  Oh Jewpac.  Clever work fellas.  (Or maybe Dr. Dredle?)

This will certainly not help the already fragile East Coast and West Coast Jewish gang relations.  Oy vey, it’s a scrawny-guy driveby! 

Those costumes insult everyone! Now pull up your pants and eat something!

Street Cred Score:  ½

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COSTUME #9:  NO BOYEEEEE!!!

I think that’s… Flavor Flav, the slapstick member of Public Enemy who never has an excuse to be late to bingo because he wears a giant Bugs Bunny-ish clock around his exhausted neck 24-hours a day.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

Old Man Flavor Flav, partying till the late hour of 4:30pm.

Welcome to Yo!  MTV Craps!

Sure, it’s been a rough few weeks for Eli Manning and the lackluster New York Giants.  With their big blue wheels stuck spinning firmly in the mud, this football season hasn’t gotten off to the start anyone in the Big Apple has expected.

But all jokes aside, if the G-Men are still winless by the end of October, that costume may be an accurate depiction of how a dejected younger Manning will be spending his bummer of a Halloween.

Awww shucks, how come no one picks on Peyton instead?

Street Cred Score:  2

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COSTUME #10:  LIL’ LAME

I think that’s… Lil Wayne.  I don’t know anything about Lil Wayne.  I think apparently, he may have a unibrow.  I think he went to jail.  I think this nincompoop shouldn’t be too far behind for looking like that.  Not to mention that this guy went the always-popular route of blackface, and then had to draw fake tattoos on top of the makeup.  Tasteless or not, that’s some effort put in there.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

Funny enough, that costume makes that guy look more white than he probably did beforehand.  And isn’t the sign of any well-pulled-off costume having to hold a photo of the person you’re supposed to be next to you?  Bravo, young man.

Blumes note:  I stand corrected, I actually do know something about Lil Wayne.  In fact, just this week, I read an article about him guest starring in a most-likely ear-offensive new song by Paris Hilton, and in its brain cell-killing accompanying video. Talk about a spooky October…

Between this terrible costume and that song, it’s officially a toss-up of which is the bottoming-out point of his life.

Street Cred Score: -1

“On this song, we actually sampled the sound of my great-grandfather turning over in his grave!”