Fake Movie Review: Mike Tyson Vs. Thor: The Dark World

By Andrew Blumetti Mike Tyson

Hello blog readers and potential victims of mine!

Change your fancy drawers, because sitting in today as a guest writer for this Blumes blog thing is me, heavyweight champion of the galaxy and greatest person ever to walk the planet, “Iron Mike” Tyson. 

I’m lucky enough to bless you regular folks with my earthy movie knowledge and Ivy-League wisdom.  Actually, you’re lucky enough to have me do this, cause if there’s one guy who knows what he’s talking about, it’s one with a giant tribal tattoo on his face.  Today, I will beat your eyes up with infinite pleasure and send your brains to the E.R. as I will give you my sparkling review of Thor: The Dark World.

—————————–

To properly convey my feelings about said film, let’s first define the movie’s title.

Webster’s Dictionary defines “Thor” as “painfully sensitive” or “hurt or inflamed so as to be or seem painful“.

Let me use it in a sentence:  “After I banged my fist on the Pizza Hut delivery boy’s jaw, it was thor.”

“Hey Hammer, U Can’t Touch me!”– Mike Tyson

———————————-

Now, there is a big freakin’ hammer in this new Thor movie, but at no point does he ever hit his finger with it and it’s never thor, so I don’t know why they named the movie that.  I felt my blood begin to boil and I was ready to punch the director’s head off for confusing my delicate and delicious brain.

Ya know, I think I saw this blonde man before in The Avengers movie last year.  Supposedly someone named Iron Man was in that movie.  Now, they call me “Iron Mike”, but I don’t know why they didn’t offer me the job for that movie instead.   And look at all that metal in my mouth- Mike’s the real Iron Man!

“This tattoo is happy to be on my face!”

———————–

A few years ago, this Thor guy said his character was gonna “fight like me“.

Now, I don’t know if this Fabio-lookin’ chump knows how things work with Iron Mike, but when you throw down a challenge like that, I accept.  He may not have been thor in the movie, but after he meets me, he’ll be thor in real life.

Here’s a picture I drew of me biting off his ear:

——————–

When I was watching Thor, I got up in the middle of the movie to get some popcorn and Milk Duds–  they’re Mike’s favorite sweet treat to tell my thtomach to shut up.   When hunger strikes, I beat the everlovin’ crap out of it and its mother, ya know?

Unfortunately, Mike got lost in the lobby and walked back into that silly Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs movie instead.  I sat there for a half @#!$ing hour until I realized it was the wrong theater.  I just thought it was raining Italian food on that blonde guy, and I started punching the screen, and yelled, “Hey screen!  I’ll rip your heart out, dance on it and bathe in your screen blood, then put it back in and rip it out again!”

So, I ended up mithing the last half of Thor and that made me wanna find that usher and feed his no-good spleen to his children and make them pay me for the privilege of doing it.

Oh yeah!  There was also this loud baby who was crying the whole time during the Meatball movie, and I just couldn’t take it.  He finally shut his ‘lil pie hole once I punched him right in his baby face.   Now his face has a tattoo of Mike’s fist!  No baby can go ten roundths with Iron Mike!

IRON MIKE: 1, BABY: 0

——————————-

So, in conclusion, since I didn’t see the whole movie, it’d be really methed-up to give you a score.

…but I will anyway.

Action score:  It was action-packed, and full of more hammers than my trip to Home Depot.  I give it FOUR earless Evander Holyfields:

           

————————–

Drama score:  Drama’s sthupid.  I didn’t pay to see the Thisterhood of that Pants movie.  I’m hungry, I’m gonna go punch me some lunch.

(waiting…)

(waiting…)

Wait, what?  I gotta give a score?  No.

————————-

Overall score:  Trust me, if Iron Mike says a movie is good, my word’s as good as gold, and you’d better go see it or I’ll knock on your door and meth you up.  I don’t see a lot of movies, and I didn’t even see this whole one, but I will say, Thor is the best movie since Thnakes on a Plane.  On a scale of one to ten, I give it an A+.

———————

Don’t let me find out you didn’t see it, or I’ll make you thor.

Thank you to Blumes for letting me beat him up so I could write this.

I love you all, and the pigeons under the bridge,

Mike Tyson

“Let me kith you.”

Tarantino’s Wuss Pack

By Andrew Blumetti

Quentin Tarantino (tærənˈtiːnoʊ), noun:  One of the most prolific, controversial and popular film directors of the past two decades.  His over-the-top smattering of grindhouse ultra-violence, 70’s throwback nostalgia, dialogue-heavy scenes and non-linear story telling has captivated movie goers from east to west and north to south, and back to east again.

Mr. Tarantino’s given us quite the array of characters in his seven (or eight if you split the Kill Bills) major motion pictures.  Unsavory, immoral, and entertaining as the night is long, their bigger-than-life personalities jump out from the screen, grab us by the scruff of the neck, and demand our attention.

…and I wouldn’t like to run into any of them in a dark alley any day (but to be fair, I wouldn’t want to be in a dark alley anyway.  It’s a breeding ground for puddles and gum to get stuck on the bottom of your shoe).

Lucky for me though, the way the world works, things often balance out.  For every Mr. Blonde, Pai Mei, or Hugo Stiglitz that makes us wet our collective britches in fear, there’s gotta be some lightweights shuffling around in Queint’s flicks… and I’ll take my chances with them in a dark alley anytime.

I now present, “The Top Ten Tarantino Non-Toughies I Could Probably Take in a Fight”

(much like old sour cream in the toasty July sun, the following is NOT spoiler-free)

1. Mr. Blue (Reservoir Dogs, 1992) portrayed by Eddie Bunker

The ‘Dogs resident seasoned vet with that impressive ‘stache and psycho gleam in his eyes.  Now, he’d probably have me eating red-hot lead within seconds, but considering I was 12 when this movie came out, and he was old then, I think he may be the only one of the colored-named criminals in the bunch I could’ve held my own against.

————————–

2. Brett (Pulp Fiction, 1994) portrayed by Frank Whaley

One of the four clowns who decided to screw over Band-aided crime kingpin, Marsellus Wallace, Brett is actually a whiter guy than me, which I never thought possible.  His ability to get rubber-mouth under pressure, and the fact that he eats cheeseburgers for breakfast sure puts the odds in my corner.

—————————–

3. Buck (Kill Bill- Vol. 1, 2003) portrayed by Michael Bowen

The creepy orderly in the hospital who had a gross on-the-side business dealing with coma patients.  This immoral entrepreneurial weirdo met his eventual fate from a fresh out-of-coma patient with dead legs, so that’s gotta put me in a good spot.

——————————–

4. Warren (Death Proof, 2007) portrayed by Quentin Tarantino

In a film full of mostly tough adrenaline-seeking women who’d whoop me in a heartbeat, I had to find one of the few fellas in the latter half of Grindhouse to pick.  Now, if I couldn’t at least go toe-to-toe with a cornball bartender (played by Quentin himself) who pushes a drink called “Chartreuse”, then it’s time to hand in my man-card.

—————————-

5. Master Sgt. Wilhelm (Inglourious Basterds, 2009) portrayed by Alexander Fehling

Guten tag!  A German soldier given the night off to celebrate the birth of his son, Wilhelm’s crap timing finds himself smack dab in the middle of a firefight inside a Parisian pub.

Sure, he’s a Nazi, and sure, he’s experienced with heavy artillery, but the guy and his fellow soldier comrades seem like sloppy drunks, like Jersey Shore-ish drunk.  And if there’s one time Andrew can successfully pull off a strike, it’s when battling against the very inebriated.  That’s why I’d be so good at fending off zombies, they’re just like decaying cannibalistic drunks.

————————–

6. Larry Gomez (Kill Bill- Vol. 2, 2004) portrayed by Larry Bishop

I do feel bad putting anyone on this list who’s been in Kung Fu, Laverne and Shirley and The Dukes of Hazzard, especially someone who made me laugh so much in the second Kill Bill installment.

He spent his lone five minutes in the film snorting coke with a trashy exotic dancer and chewing out Michael Madsen for being late to work, so outside of those five minutes, he’d probably beat the everloving cake out of me, so strike when the iron is hot.

I bet he’d enjoy my Sylvester Stallone article though, seeing as he kinda looks like him.

——————————

7. Mark Dargus (Jackie Brown, 1997) played by Michael Bowen

I’m really banking this list on the fact that Michael Bowen’s got a glass jaw, cause otherwise, I’m toast.

————————————

8. “The Gimp” (Pulp Fiction, 1994) portrayed by Stephen Hibbert

This leather wearing, zipper-mouthed freak basically went down in one stealth hit by a just-out-of-a-car-accident Bruce Willis.  Despite his creepy mask, “The Gimp” doesn’t necessarily instill much fear, seeing as he was tethered on a leash the whole time, and I’m highly suspect that Jim Belushi is actually under that costume.

—————————

9. Francesca Modino’s poodle (Inglourious Basterds, 2009)

Here we have the prissy dog of the prissy Francesca Modino (Julie Dreyfus), the French-to-German interpreter to Head of Propaganda in Germany, Joseph Goebbels.  Naturally, fighting animals is a big no-no (I really don’t want PETA getting all huffy and puffy, protesting to shut down my blog and toss red paint over computer screens nationwide),  but I’d put the over/under at me beating this dog at a foot race at about 65/35.

————————————–

10.  Billy Crash (Django Unchained, 2012) portrayed by Walton Goggins

Cowboys are the true classic American-definition of “manly”.  They’re gruff, tough, and I’m guessing their sweat smells like a leather couch from Crate and Barrel.

Billy Crash may have been quick with the six-shooter and wore a pretty sweet hat, but he was all talk, with nothing to back it up when push comes to shove.  Basically he’s kind of like a slavery-era cowboy version of every single stupid bully in every single stupid after-school special that ran in lieu of Duck Tales.

Man, I hated those.