Tag Archives: film

Inappropriate Movie Moments… in Microsoft Paint, Vol. I

By Andrew Blumetti

You know the old cliched saying– “A picture is worth a thousand words.”  Well, if that ‘ol gem rings true, the next couple of weeks oughta be worth two or three dozen, easy.

Here’s an attempt to contribute to the internet being just a bit more time-wasting.  It’s time to give the typing a rest for a spell as I proudly present to you the first in a series that shows just what happens when some of your favorite cringe-worthy moments ever put to film meets the most groundbreaking technology of 1992.

It’s time for…

INAPPROPRIATE MOVIE MOMENTS… in Microsoft Paint

——————————-

19 Comments

Filed under Art, Comedy, Entertainment, Humor, Movies, Pop Culture, Retro

Fake Movie Review: Mike Tyson Vs. Thor: The Dark World

By Andrew Blumetti Mike Tyson

Hello blog readers and potential victims of mine!

Change your fancy drawers, because sitting in today as a guest writer for this Blumes blog thing is me, heavyweight champion of the galaxy and greatest person ever to walk the planet, “Iron Mike” Tyson. 

I’m lucky enough to bless you regular folks with my earthy movie knowledge and Ivy-League wisdom.  Actually, you’re lucky enough to have me do this, cause if there’s one guy who knows what he’s talking about, it’s one with a giant tribal tattoo on his face.  Today, I will beat your eyes up with infinite pleasure and send your brains to the E.R. as I will give you my sparkling review of Thor: The Dark World.

—————————–

To properly convey my feelings about said film, let’s first define the movie’s title.

Webster’s Dictionary defines “Thor” as “painfully sensitive” or “hurt or inflamed so as to be or seem painful.

Let me use it in a sentence:  “After I banged my fist on the Pizza Hut delivery boy’s jaw, it was thor.

“Hey Hammer, U Can’t Touch me!”– Mike Tyson

———————————-

Now, there is a big freakin’ hammer in this new Thor movie, but at no point does he ever hit his finger with it and it’s never thor, so I don’t know why they named the movie that.  I felt my blood begin to boil and I was ready to punch the director’s head off for confusing my delicate and delicious brain.

Ya know, I think I saw this blonde man before in The Avengers movie last year.  Supposedly someone named Iron Man was in that movie.  Now, they call me “Iron Mike”, but I don’t know why they didn’t offer me the job for that movie instead.   And look at all that metal in my mouth- Mike’s the real Iron Man!

“This tattoo is happy to be on my face!”

———————–

A few years ago, this Thor guy said his character was gonna “fight like me“.

Now, I don’t know if this Fabio-lookin’ chump knows how things work with Iron Mike, but when you throw down a challenge like that, I accept.  He may not have been thor in the movie, but after he meets me, he’ll be thor in real life.

Here’s a picture I drew of me biting off his ear:

20131108_023250

——————–

When I was watching Thor, I got up in the middle of the movie to get some popcorn and Milk Duds–  they’re Mike’s favorite sweet treat to tell my thtomach to shut up.   When hunger strikes, I beat the everlovin’ crap out of it and its mother, ya know?

Unfortunately, Mike got lost in the lobby and walked back into that silly Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs movie instead.  I sat there for a half @#!$ing hour until I realized it was the wrong theater.  I just thought it was raining Italian food on that blonde guy, and I started punching the screen, and yelled, “Hey screen!  I’ll rip your heart out, dance on it and bathe in your screen blood, then put it back in and rip it out again!”

So, I ended up mithing the last half of Thor and that made me wanna find that usher and feed his no-good spleen to his children and make them pay me for the privilege of doing it.

Oh yeah!  There was also this loud baby who was crying the whole time during the Meatball movie, and I just couldn’t take it.  He finally shut his ‘lil pie hole once I punched him right in his baby face.   Now his face has a tattoo of Mike’s fist!  No baby can go ten roundths with Iron Mike!

IRON MIKE: 1, BABY: 0

——————————-

So, in conclusion, since I didn’t see the whole movie, it’d be really methed-up to give you a score.

…but I will anyway.

Action score:  It was action-packed, and full of more hammers than my trip to Home Depot.  I give it FOUR earless Evander Holyfields:

           

————————–

Drama score:  Drama’s sthupid.  I didn’t pay to see the Thisterhood of that Pants movie.  I’m hungry, I’m gonna go punch me some lunch.

(waiting…)

(waiting…)

Wait, what?  I gotta give a score?  No.

————————-

Overall score Trust me, if Iron Mike says a movie is good, my word’s as good as gold, and you’d better go see it or I’ll knock on your door and meth you up.  I don’t see a lot of movies, and I didn’t even see this whole one, but I will say, Thor is the best movie since Thnakes on a Plane.  On a scale of one to ten, I give it an A+.

———————

Don’t let me find out you didn’t see it, or I’ll make you thor.

Thank you to Blumes for letting me beat him up so I could write this.

I love you all, and the pigeons under the bridge,

Mike Tyson

“Let me kith you.”

17 Comments

Filed under Comedy, Humor, Movies, Pop Culture, Sports

Horror Villains Celebrate Halloween: THE FINALE!!

Illustrated by Andrew Blumetti

finale

—————————-

… What happens when your favorite film ghouls break the bank at Party City?

… How many fun-size Snickers bars can Ghostface fit into his mouth at one time?

… Just HOW many costumes did Jason actually buy this year?

The answers to those questions …AND MORE* will be answered right now in the thrilling* conclusion of what happens when treats and tricks meet your favorite flicks.

* (Probably not too likely…)

* (Again, fat chance that’s true…)

If you missed out on the moderate chuckles, part one and part two can be viewed here.

—————————–

ALIEN QUEEN (Alien) as MILEY CYRUS

alien

————————–

THE INFECTED (28 Days Later) as CRAYOLA CRAYONS

28 days later

—————————–

GHOSTFACE (Scream) as SURPRISED TAYLOR SWIFT WINNING AN AWARD

scream

———————————

THE GOVERNOR (The Walking Dead) as A CANDY CRUSH SAGA BOARD

walkingdeadgov

——————————–

TARMAN ZOMBIE (The Return of the Living Dead) as KURT COBAIN

rotld

——————————

KAYAKO SAEKI (The Grudge) as A DALLAS COWBOYS CHEERLEADER

grudge

————————–

DRACULA (Bram Stoker’s Dracula) as PIZZA

dracula

——————————–

EVIL ED (Fright Night) as AL FROM HOME IMPROVEMENT

 photo frightnight3_zpsfea1c5e7.jpg

—————————–

OOGIE BOOGIE (The Nightmare Before Christmas) as WOODY FROM TOY STORY

nightmare oogie

———————————-

FREDDY KRUEGER (A Nightmare on Elm Street) and JASON VOORHEES (Friday the 13th) as WAYNE AND GARTH

waynes world

—————————–

21 Comments

Filed under Animation, Art, Comedy, Entertainment, Halloween, Humor, Movies, Music, Pop Culture, Retro, Sports, Television

Is Stephen King Creepier Than His Own Characters? Yeah, Probably.

By Andrew Blumetti

Rock Bottom Remainders In Concert

“My next story features David Ortiz…it’s full of bats.  Get it?!?”

WARNING!  BEWARE OF THE NORTHEAST UNITED STATES!

When the red, yellow, and orange leaves begin to swiftly flutter to the ground and crunch under the weight of your shoe, and jackets make their way out of the closet faster than Liberace, things begin to get especially eerie up in the beautiful and quaint New England area.

No, you goofball, I’m not talking about the cackling Salem witches, and I am somewhat sure I’m not referring to Bill Belichick attempting to crack a smile and thus cracking a black hole in the nexus of the universe.

Nope, it’s the ever-ghastly presence of the morose master of the macabre, Mr. Maine himself, Stephen King.

“Quick, pull on my beard, it’ll keep us safe!”

Since the horror author first put spooky pen to paper, and began writing in the early 1950’s, libraries and bookstore shelves haven’t been safe thanks to King’s devilish novels and stories of blood-thirsty vampires, deathly plagues and killer cars.

Don’t think for a second this phenomenon is limited to only the written word, as the film adaptations of his wicked works have infamously become a part of classic American cinema history.  He’s crafted a wealth of terrifying tales that have scurried their way into our collective nightmares for decades and will surely continue to do so for years to come, long after King has hung up that same pen.

Part of King’s appeal is that he’s more than ready to delve into the seediest and darkest parts of our psyches, stirring up the pot and unleashing sinister and malevolent characters very few could imagine and even less would want to cross paths with.

That just raises the question– For all these years, how does he do it?  Why is he such a master at this bone-chilling craft?  Is Dracula his pops?  Too many Universal Monster marathons as a kid?   Perhaps a dark childhood could be the reason?

What leads someone to have such a natural knack for giving us the heebie-jeebies up our collective spine?  Is Stephen King really the most nightmareish creature to ever walk the earth?

Well, eight rounds with a handful of his own created brutes oughta answer that question for us…

——————————————

ROUND ONE:  “NO BEER AND NO TV MAKE HOMER SOMETHING SOMETHING…”

king jack

“Is this apple juice?  It’s apple, juice, right?”

 

THE CHALLENGER:  Jack Torrance

STORY:  The Shining

STRENGTHS:  Sinister smile, friendly with fiends, heck of a swing with an axe

WEAKNESSES:  Not so speedy in the freshly-fallen snow, ghost bartenders say he’s a lousy tipper

Stanley Kubrick’s 1980 classic on the King favorite, The Shining, has the honor of creating a veritable buffet of some of the most infamously creepy scenes in Hollywood history, often centered around Jack Torrance, in a role that was practically made for Jack Nicholson.  In the film version, Jack takes on Jack, a caretaker influenced by the evil spirits of a giant empty hotel  (Devil Tree Holiday InnsaneMotel 666Scaryiott?) closed down for the long winter.

…and when he isn’t busy trying to turn his family into his former family, Jack spends long snowy days in the middle of nowhere lending a hand out on Extreme Home Makeover. 

Say it with me… MOVE… THAT… BUS!!!

“Hey door- YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!”

…and not to be outdone themselves, as an added bonus, the classic “soil-your-pants-in-fear” Grady twins who hang out in the hallway of TACKY WALLPAPER!!

Sure, they’re unsettling, but aren’t the Olsen twins too?

“We… wore… the same thing.”

Now, they might be permanently etched into your dreams tonight, but don’t tell me this guy’s any better…

Enter a caption

RESULT?:  Jack’s just a queen compared to this king.  Steve takes home the early victory.

CURRENT SCORE:

CHARACTERS:  0

KING:  1

————————————————————

ROUND TWO:  THIS IS RUFF

“Sure, Beethoven got to hang out with Charles Grodin, I get fake blood on me.”

THE CHALLENGER:  Cujo

STORY:  Cujo

STRENGTHS:  massive angry pup who’s as big as a Buick, vicious bark, fetches only the obituary section of the newspaper

WEAKNESSES:  constantly wasting time to lift his leg on hydrants, can be distracted with Milk Bones

He certainly doesn’t put the “saint” in Saint Bernard…

Many unfortunate folks became Alpo for Cujo, the rabid homicidally playful pup who single-handedly pawedly terrorized a peaceful Maine neighborhood, and was kicked out of Petco more times than I can count.

“It’s BACONNNNN!!!!”

Stephen King, on the other hand, has been kicked out of Starbucks like four times.   Geez, just let everyone enjoy their Pumpkin Spice Lattes in peace, Steve.

“They call the small size ‘tall’, now, THAT’s creepy!”

RESULT?:  Hot dog!  We have a weiner!   … and it’s King.

CURRENT SCORE:

CHARACTERS:  0

KING:  2

—————————————————

ROUND THREE:  HELLO NURSE!

“You can’t stop me.  I survived in ‘Titanic’.”

 

THE CHALLENGER:  Annie Wilkes

STORY:  Misery

STRENGTHS:  facing a nearly immobile victim, playing on home turf, shops in the “Murder Aisle” at Home Depot

WEAKNESSES:   homebound weirdo, frumpy dresser

Now, haunted chambermaids and misunderstood pooches, that’s merely child’s play.  Here’s a real challenge:  Annie Wilkes, the batcrap crazy nurse with a heart of poo in King’s classic, Misery, is nuttier than a Snickers bar and quite the menace with a sledgehammer.  After her favorite author in the world, Paul Sheldon, seriously crashes his car in the snow near her remote home, Wilkes rescues, cares for, traps, and tortures him, all in one heartfelt tale.

“What do you mean muffins are surprisingly high in calories?!?”

But… keep in mind, this is how Stephen King acts when the crowd sings “Sweet Caroline” at Fenway Park.  Uncalled for…

“Good times never seemed so good… SO GOOD! SO GOOD!”

RESULT?:  King surprisingly hobbled the nurse for the win.

CURRENT SCORE:

CHARACTERS:  0

KING:  3

———————————————————

ROUND FOUR:  CLOWNIN’ AROUND

“I do Sudoku puzzles… IN INK!”

NAME:  Pennywise the Clown

STORY:  It

STRENGTHS:  being a terrifying clown, which is basically all you need here

WEAKNESSES: big goofy shoes make it awkward to walk, clown suit provides no fly to go to the bathroom

One of King’s all-time classics, It, is a long, long book with a long, long miniseries that starred Tim Curry as the infamous clown college dropout, “Pennywise”, a terrifying transformation of a malevolent force which exploits its victims’ worst fears, and is probably the reason your girlfriend is terrified of clowns.

He also went on to eventually went on to bang on tin drums on stage for Slipknot.  Or something…

“I don’t care if we’re rolling. I don’t step foot on set till I finish my bear claw.”

Clowns, schmowns, say goodbye to your balloon animals, cause Stephen King’s here, to sell you crappy kitchen knives, door-to-door!

RESULT?:  A big red nose, and a big red loss for the clown.  Halfway through, and we add another in the win column for King!

CURRENT SCORE:

CHARACTERS:  0

KING:  4

—————————————

ROUND FIVE:  THIS ROUND “SUCKS”

“Hurry up, I have to go host on The View.”

THE CHALLENGER:  Kurt Barlow

STORY:  Salem’s Lot

STRENGTHS:  head vampire, which luckily doesn’t include much paperwork

WEAKNESSES:  says, “fangs a lot” too much

In a book that King has referred to as his favorite in several interviews, Salem’s Lot tells the story of an writer who returns to his small Maine hometown, to find the residents are turning into bloodsucking vampires who fall in love with Kristen Stewart.  Word is, she didn’t smile once through the whole relationship.

Kurt Barlow (not to be confused with his cousin, Lou Barlow, who fronted 90’s lo-fi darlings, Sebadoh) is a master vampire, who notoriously terrorizes the town, and avoids all meals containing any trace of garlic, simply cause of bad breath.  In the novel, Barlow is depicted as a human, but is given a ghastly Nosferatu-esque appearance in the film adaptation, as seen here:

“Okay, who put my hand in warm water while I was sleeping?!?”

Stephen King, well, he just looks like a slightly thinner, less-fun version of Fat Mac from season 7 of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia:

“I’m packing on mass.”

RESULT?:  Back to the coffin, it’s King by a country mile, again.

CURRENT SCORE:

CHARACTERS:  0

KING:  5

——————————————

ROUND SIX:  YOU DA PROM!

 

carrie

“I may look happy, but my date has the hair of an English Sheepdog.”

THE CHALLENGER:  Carrie White

STORY:  Carrie

STRENGTHS:  a mean case of telekinesis, bug eyes

WEAKNESSES:  extreme shyness, unstable nut mother, ruined prom dress

Many believe King, like many famous authors, loves to cloak his blood-soaked tales of terror heavily in metaphors.

Sure, Carrie may be the tale of a shy, bullied high-schooler who exacts her revenge on her tormenters at the prom, connecting bridges to areas of isolation, religion and the troubled youth of our society.  But really, Carrie, one of the most notorious banned-books in high schools across the country, is much more straight-forward; it’s really the story of a shy high-school girl who is really bad at pouring ketchup:

“But I tapped the bottle right on the ’57’, how did this happen?!?”

But even if you didn’t find a date to the prom, an encouraging word to all the single readers out there spending wakeless hours a day on Match.com… Don’t lose faith, this guy found a wife!

(I almost take it back, this picture is kinda awesome.)

RESULT?:  The win goes to the prom king.

CURRENT SCORE:

CHARACTERS:  0

KING:  6

———————————————

ROUND SEVEN:  “DON’T STAND SO CLOSE TO ME”

“The world may have ended, so I just raided Jay Leno’s closet.”

THE CHALLENGER:  Randall Flagg

STORY:  The Stand

STRENGTHS:  pure concentrated evil, a love for demin

WEAKNESSES:  bossy, kind of a jerk, and let’s face it, way too much denim to be honest

Look what the cat dragged in…   It’s Randall Flagg, King’s self-proclaimed “best villain”, who was featured in a number of his works, but most notably as the antagonist of the apocalyptic magnum opus, The Stand.

After 99% of civilization takes a swan dive thanks to a released superflu, the wicked Flagg begins an arbitrary society of some survivors in Las Vegas of all places.   Not only do you not want to run into Flagg at the craps or poker table, you just don’t want to run into him period.  Just ask Wayne Newton.

He’s super-duper evil and has maraschino cherries for eyes.  He killed a lot of people, but most significantly of all, he killed Laura San Giacomo’s career.

“This mullet will end humanity one day.”

…and Stephen King has a fantastically creepy Dwight Schrute-ish face.

“Mose is chopped up and hidden in my backyard.”

RESULT?: Bears.  Beets.  Battlestar Galactica.  King for the win!

CURRENT SCORE:

CHARACTERS:  0

KING:  7

———————————————-

ROUND EIGHT:  EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS

 

It’s nice to see they’re still giving Wanda Sykes job opportunities. 

THE CHALLENGER:  Evil giant spider

STORY:  The Mist

STRENGTHS:  speed, shoots acid, stronger webs than Spiderman, there’s a billion of little ones crawling around

WEAKNESSES:  none, this thing could kill me in a second.

The Mist, a novella by King which was turned into the feel good film of the century by The Walking Dead series developer, Frank Darabont, featured a bountiful bevy of freaks, monsters and deadly oddballs in an unnatural evil fog engulfing a small town and closing in on a group of its trapped townspeople.

..and if you hate spiders, oh man, they had spiders.   They broke into millions of little freakin’ spiders and had webs of acid too, unlike regular spiders, which make webs Gwen Stefani walks into.

“Sorry I’m not home right now, I’m walking into spider webs, so leave a message and I’ll call you back!”

Ok.  The spider wins.  Sorry King.

FINAL SCORE:

CHARACTERS:  1

KING:  7

—————————

and the winner is… 

Well, dang-it, 26 outs is close to a perfect game, and King came pretty close in his own right today.  In a landslide, there’s no question on who’s the creepiest of the creepies, long live the…. yep…  King.

king

63 Comments

Filed under Books, Comedy, Entertainment, Halloween, Humor, Movies, Pop Culture, Retro, Television

Horror Villains Celebrate Halloween: THE SEQUEL!!

Illustrated by Andrew Blumetti

 

 

Just when you thought it was safe to open the door for Snickers-grubbing trick-or-treaters…

 

Sequels are rough, man.  Highly anticipated, but more often than not, they simply can’t catch that “lightning in a bottle” magic that made the original so beloved.

Well, the heck with that noise. 

If you liked part one, well…  here’s another.   In the second part of a three-part series that’s hopefully more Godfather Part II than Sister Act 2, it’s time to lock up your Milky Ways and Twix bars, toss away those horrid Mary Janes, and un-razorblade those apples, cause it’s time for our favorite scaries to take five and have some fun of their own.

————————————————-

KATIE FEATHERSTON  (Paranormal Activity) as THE CAT IN THE HAT

—————————————-

BILLY THE PUPPET (Saw) as DOPED-UP LANCE ARMSTRONG

—————————————————————————-

CAPTAIN SPAULDING (House of 1000 Corpses) as A CHOLO

———————————————————————

MICHAEL MYERS (Halloween) as A DORITOS LOCOS TACO

—————————————————————-

SAM (Trick ‘r Treat) as HONEY BOO BOO

—————————————————————

JASON VOORHEES (Friday the 13th) as LUMBERGH FROM OFFICE SPACE

————————————————————-

CHERYL (The Evil Dead) AS A HIPPIE

————————————————————-

HANNIBAL LECTER (The Silence of the Lambs) as AN ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH MODEL

————————————————

SAMARA (The Ring) as A HOOTERS WAITRESS

——————————————————-

LEPRECHAUN (Leprechaun) as KNICKS-ERA JEREMY LIN

25 Comments

Filed under Art, Comedy, Entertainment, Halloween, Humor, Movies, Pop Culture, Retro

Horror Villains Celebrate Halloween!

Illustrated by Andrew Blumetti

——————-

———————————–

Because hey, they have to celebrate too. 

Happy Halloween you lovable psychos.  Please share some of your Milk Duds with me.

Love,

Andrew 

———————————————

JASON VOORHEES (Friday the 13th) as A BUMBLE BEE

————————————————————

MICHAEL MYERS (Halloween) as SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS

————————————————-

FRANKENSTEIN as AN ANGRY BIRD

——————————————————

LEATHERFACE (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) as TOM CRUISE IN RISKY BUSINESS

————————————————————

PINHEAD (Hellraiser) as ROBIN HOOD

———————————————————

THE BLOB as SLASH

——————————————————————

GHOSTFACE (Scream) as MIKE DITKA

———————————————————

REGAN (The Exorcist) as SNOOKI

————————————————-

THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT STICK FIGURE as DWIGHT SCHRUTE

————————————————

FREDDY KRUEGER (A Nightmare on Elm Street) as STEVE URKEL

————————————————-

CHUCKY (Child’s Play) as A PACK OF SKITTLES

30 Comments

Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Halloween, Humor, Movies, Pop Culture, Retro

13 Unscary Horror Movie Costumes (BOOOOO!)

By Andrew Blumetti

————–

Happy October everyone!

Bust out the crispy apples to bob, the bumpy pumpkins to carve, and the scary black cats to avoid.  It’s finally the spookiest time of the year, and I couldn’t be happier.  To celebrate, this post will begin a month’s worth of Halloween-centric topics.  From goofy costumes to Trick or Treating to horror movies, all writing/art during October will be a Halloween celebration.  Hope you enjoy!

Best witches,

-Andrew

———-

“I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.” 

– L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

———-

Now, if your tenth month of the year is anything like mine, your DVD player will be working overtime, playing every scary movie ever made all Halloween season long to put you in that perfect chilling mood.  (It’ll also be filled with purchasing bags of candy for trick-or-treaters way too early, and snacking on them all month long instead, but that’s really a story for another time.)

Seriously, these things won’t make it past October 2nd.

See the sun dropping earlier?  The air is getting chilly and you’re quick to break those hooded sweatshirts out of their long slumber, the only way to celebrate is to get the blood pumping by crankin’ up the terror.

It’s perfect time to throw on some comfy slippers, kick back with a warm cup of apple cider and watch Jason slash up some ill-fated teenage campers, hordes of mindless zombies descend upon the ramshackle house in Night of the Living Dead, and Leatherface rev up that grimy, rusty chainsaw to really ruin someone’s afternoon.

Horror movies and Halloween season go hand-in-hand in the most fun way possible.  It’s that eerie time of year we’re slightly more apprehensive to shut the lights in the kitchen or we may drive a little faster when we pass a cemetery at night.  For these 31 days, don’t imagine trying to walk in the dark without looking over your shoulder, even for just a split second.   You know, every creak, every squeak, every sound could be terror right around the corner, waiting to take you down.

Of corpse course, those same beloved horror anti-heros are a cash cow for the Halloween costume-business as well.

Let’s investigate further.  In 2013, when it comes to adult Halloween costumes, there’s basically four major categories to pick from:

1. Superhero (examples:  Batman, Superman, Spiderman, etc…)

Wow, they Photoshopped a girl in there pretty seamlessly, didn’t they?

2. Guy Who Makes a Giant Cardboard Facebook Profile Around His Head

Fact: Mark Zuckerberg gets a dollar every time you wear one of these.

3. Trashy ANYTHING (girls freezing their tails off to thoroughly skank up any costume or character available)

“Halloween, just the way your grandparents spent it.”

4. Scary (examples:  vampire, zombie, witches, monsters, horror movie characters, etc…)

BRAAAAAINS!!! (Hey zombies, don’t go to the trashy costume picture for those.)

(Blumes note:  Miley Cyrus costumes can count as numbers 3 AND 4)

——————

And category four is where we’re focusing today (I know, I know, we were all hoping for trashy ones, I kinda was too).

When pulled-off correctly, seeing our most feared and terrifying wet-your-pants-in-fear villains, ghouls, and goblins come to life, it can be a horrifying treat to experience.

Or… how when those same ghastly villains costumes aren’t pulled off correctly,  it’s well… cringeworthy comedy at its finest.

Lock the doors, turn on the lights, and get your best scream ready, cause it’s the Halloworst!

———————————

CRAP COSTUME #1

Who’s that mess?Jason Voorhees

FilmFriday the 13th

Estimated costume cost$2.00

But he should look like: 

And you wondered why the attendance at the Florida Panthers game is so low?

But why’s it a train wreck?True, true, the weaker Friday… films did feature lumbering camper-killer, Jason, with a smart, Supercuts-esque, well-quaffed, white guy-hairdo, complete with a red Aeropostale t-shirt, but c’mon fella, you look more like Jason Bateman than Jason Voorhees in that craptacular costume.

He should actually be careful, that mask is so cheap, it’s likely those air holes are just painted on.

——-

Hey kid,

Thanks for making me look less stupid.

Love,

Jason X

—————————————-

CRAP COSTUME #2

Who’s that mess?Carrie White … I think

FilmCarrie

Estimated costume cost$5.95

But she should look like: 

“Don’t you people think? All the fries will be ketchup-less now!”

But why’s it a train wreck?:  One time, many many long times ago, I felt my throat getting dryer than Harrison Ford on a talk show interview.  Yes, friends, it was that classic instinct- thirst.

Of course as fate would have it, all that was around was a bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red.  Sure, there’s questionable red dyes in it, but brotha, beggars can’t be choosers.  When you gotta quench, you gotta quench.

As I went to grab it, ‘ol butterfingers that I am, I dropped it like a total glom.  Shaken Mountain Dew isn’t safe by any means, but the intense thirst was winning, and I needed relief right then.

So, I turned the cap and BAM!!!   The sticky corn syrupy-soda exploded all over me, and I was covered in an embarassing red.

Bottom line of my story?  I looked more like Carrie than this girl does.


———————————-

CRAP COSTUME #3

Who’s that mess? Hannibal Lecter

Film:  The Silence of the Lambs

Estimated costume cost$6.00

But he should look like:  

If you think this is scary, you should’ve seen me in Freejack!

But why’s it a train wreck?Well, for starters, you couldn’t have a less intimidating kid playing Hannibal the Cannibal.  He’ll only get to trick or treat if he can unstuff himself from his high-school locker and get out before dark.

Lucky for him, I’m a “glass is half full” kind of guy.  On the plus side, when November 1st comes around, this goober can cut the bars off and make this thing into the beard he’ll never be able to grow.

That’s right, win/win buddy!  Blumes is lookin’ out for ya!

——————————————

CRAP COSTUME #4

Who’s that mess?Captain Spaulding

FilmHouse of 1000 Corpses/The Devil’s Rejects

Estimated costume cost$3.00

But he should look like: 

“Wait, they’re using pretzel buns on burgers now?!?”

But why’s it a train wreck?:   Well, frankly, he’s sassy.  Like “jazz hands” kind of sassy.  That’s never a good look, especially for a dirty, scummy, merciless murdering clown.

Plus the painted-on facial hair, wacky uneven eyebrows and constipated face just come off as scary, but in all the wrong ways.

You gotta remember Flamboyant Spaulding, bran flakes are your friend in a time like this.  How do you think Freddy Krueger stays so regular?

“Two bowls of Raisin Bran a day, and I’m good to go!”

————————————

CRAP COSTUME #5

Who’s that mess?Michael Myers

FilmHalloween

Estimated costume cost:  $3.99

But he should look like: 

“You can’t trick me. I saw Home Alone, I’m not falling for that paint can on the stairs trap.”

But why’s it a train wreck?With all that time spent murdering people, how’s soft-rock Myers gonna keep his place playing bass for Michael Bolton’s backing band?

That’s a Michael Myers spread way too thin.

To Michael Myers: “How am I supposed to live without you?”

————————————-

CRAP COSTUME #6

Who’s that mess?Freddy Krueger

FilmA Nightmare on Elm Street

Estimated costume cost-$0.02 (for stolen plastic utensil)

But he should look like: 

Freddy during Madonna’s “Vogue” craze. With those fingers, that was a painful time.

But why’s it a train wreck?♪  “One, two, Freddy’s gonna eat stew”  ♪

Don’t fall asleep… at lunch?  Because Freddy’s back, working at a mid-range IT firm to haunt your dreams, torment your innocent soul, and mercilessly plastic spork your sad-self into a bloody pulp.

————————————

CRAP COSTUME #7

Who’s that mess?Billy the Puppet

FilmSaw

Estimated costume cost:  $12.50 (I didn’t charge for shoes)

But he should look like: 

“Maybe people would treat me with more respect if I went by ‘William the Puppet’. Sigh. “

But why’s it a train wreck?It’s not really a bad costume per say, the effort is surely there.  I just can’t get past the fact this adult on a tricycle spent his hard-earned dinero on a crappy magician’s tuxedo, Saw mask, and a shiny new bike, but decided that’s where the purse-strings closed, and usually-valuable shoes would have to suffer.

“Fred Flintstone-ing” your costume when it’s not required is a classic Halloween faux pas, and isn’t going to win you friends anytime soon.

Seriously–  try being at the party, talking to this creepy schlub with his grody, grungy feet sticking out within a five-foot radius of the dip, and tell me you’re not gonna lose your appetite and head for the nearest exit.

Also, this Billy mask features the hair of Roseanne Barr back during Roseanne Barr’s awful hairdo period.

https://i0.wp.com/blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs/lookalikeroseanne16496roseanne.jpg

YIKES!

————————————

CRAP COSTUME #8

Who’s that mess?Chucky

FilmChild’s Play

Estimated costume cost$4.99

But he should look like: 

Chucky: Still less scary than Carrot Top… and less painful.

But why’s it a train wreck?Procrastination never pays kids.

This is what happens when you wait till Halloween afternoon to buy your costume… at the dollar store.  And not even the good dollar store that sells Twix at two for a buck, it’s the one where you need to cry in the shower like Glenn Close in The Big Chill when you get home.

“Everything there was off-brand! What’s a Twankie?!?”

————————————

CRAP COSTUME #9

Who’s That Mess?Micah Sloat and Katie Featherston

FilmParanormal Activity

Estimated costume cost$0.00.   Literally zero.

But they should look like: 

“Seriously kids, you literally had to dress up like white people. How’d you screw that up?”

But why’s it a train wreck?:  How could you not be a fan of the 2009 found-footage demon fest, Paranormal Activity?   Created on the budget of two iced frappes at Starbucks, its Hitchcockian-attack on the senses of “less is more” was a refreshing minimalist change from the gorefests that seem to overtake modern horror.

As for this low-grade attempt at the main character’s costumes, obviously these two derelicts just wore their Kool Aid-stained pajamas to a party.  In fact, I doubt if they even knew there was a costume party.  This was just a result of a sloppy lunch.   Or more likely, lunches.  

(Also note:  This girl is barefooting it.  It may be accurate, but still a major no-no.)

(Also note, part 2:  Check out that “mummy” sitting on the couch behind them.  That party has no standards whatsoever.  Can you imagine the chips they bought?)

“Is that those kids in the costume?!? Oh no, it’s a demon. Phew.”

—————————————

CRAP COSTUME #10

Who’s That Mess?Pennywise the Clown

FilmStephen King’s It

Estimated costume cost$6.50

But he should look like: 

“I’m smiling because my landscaping business is taking off so well.”

But why’s it a train wreck?Ask anyone who suffers from coulrophobia (fear of clowns), and many are certain to pinpoint their petrifying fear back to this devilish creature from one of Stephen King’s most famous works.  His eyes turn a terrifying yellow, he has razor-sharp fangs, and he yanks little boys to their untimely bloody deaths in the rain-drenched sewer like Dr. Smith in Lost in Space.

Well, show them this clown college reject, and their nose-honking, balloon-animal fear will go away faster than this clown’s self esteem did, apparent by his “I lost ALL of my money betting on the Giants game last week!” face. 

—————————————

CRAP COSTUME #11

Who’s that mess?Shaun Riley

FilmShaun of the Dead

Estimated costume cost$1.05 (for name tag)

But he should look like: 

“C’mon! This is NOTHING like the Thriller video!”

But why’s it a train wreck?From the neck-down, it’s actually not.

True, zombie-killer/slacker Shaun’s costume isn’t much more than a bloody white shirt and tie with an added bloody cricket bat, but the fact this guy looks like a Slayer roadie is really ruining the overall look.

and think of the fallout at the next Slayer concert…

Slayer:  Hey, this guitar string broke mid-song, get a replacement, quick!

(silence)

Slayer:  Geez, what’s taking so long?!?

Tour manager:  Your roadie is trick or treating.  We’ll have to cancel the concert.

Crowd:  BOOOOOOOOO!

——————————-

CRAP COSTUME #12

Who’s that mess?Regan MacNeil

FilmThe Exorcist

Estimated costume cost$1.00

But she should look like: 

“Fellas, I’m on Plenty of Fish… and available!”

But why’s it a train wreck?:  Somehow this girl managed to get out of bed, look like a total disaster, and still mess up the intended “get out of bed and look like a disaster” look that demonized youth, Regan has to endure in the horror classic, The Exorcist.  

And now, for your reading enjoyment, I was able to score an exclusive interview with Regan herself to get her opinion on this controversial costume issue:

Blumes:  Regan, can you please give me your feelings on this girl’s lame wannabe demon getup of you?

Regan:  

—————————————

CRAP COSTUME #13

Who’s that mess?Ghostface

FilmScream

Estimated costume cost$0.50

But he should look like: 

“I will finally get my revenge on Gordon Ramsay for kicking me off the show!”

But why’s it a train wreck?Go into any Walgreens or CVS store this time of year, and you’ll see a ton of these now classic Scream masks taking up residence on the shelf, and their prime selling point?  Most of them won’t break your bank in the least.

Yes, it’s a cheap costume that’ll give you little hat-hair, and hey, you’ll get the same amount of candy, right?

Apparently this  dude doesn’t get out much, seeing as how he decided to make his own crappy version and reak havoc on Japan by tickling his victims to death and running amok with all the yen he saved.

Look at him living it up…

“Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun!”

27 Comments

Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Halloween, Humor, Movies, Pop Culture, Retro

Blumes Spoils Movies You (Probably) Don’t Care About!

By Andrew Blumetti

SPOILER NON-ALERT…

“Hooray for Hollywood!”

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that saying is very sweet in theory and it makes for a most-likely terrible tramp stamp tattoo, but in actuality, movies are a business, and to quote Lieutenant Aldo Raine of Inglourious Basterds fame, “…cousin, business is a-boomin’”.

——————-

God, that point is almost shocking when you really think about it.

Why? Because twelve dollars. 

Yes, that’s…

  • Twelve George Washingtons
  • Two Abe Lincolns and two George Washingtons
  • An Alexander Hamilton and two Georgies

Think about all the late, great, famous green presidents and historical figures who need to be sadly plunked down at the box office window for you just to simply step foot into a movie theater.  Add in the second third mortgage it takes to add in a garbage can of popcorn, a swimming pool-sized soda, and a sleeping bag of Twizzlers, and a simple trip to the cinema eventually turns into, “Sorry kids, Mommy and Daddy can’t send you to college because we just had to see Shark Night 3D back in 2011.”

“You got rid of ME to see The Adventures of Pluto Nash?  I cannot tell a lie.  You’re a goober.
————————
Add in the aggravation of annoying flat-brim-hatted teens, inconsiderate theater talkers, 3D and IMAX surcharges, and the sci-fi glowing lights of every smartphone giving the dark theater an eerie blue-ish glow straight out of a cemetery, and it’s borderline amazing that Hollywood is still pulling in the billions it does from us theatergoers.
——-
Not to mention the giant elephant in the room:   For that sickening price, a lot of current flicks range from “meh” to “super meh”. Yes, there’s a lot of junk in that elephant’s trunk, but even more on the big screen.
——-
Sadly it’s true.  Sure, every given year has its own great triumphs of the cinematic nature, but overall, it’s not too big of a leap to say we’re not currently in any kind of grand 21st Century film Renaissance here.
——-
Unfortunately, not every film can be Citizen Cane or Annie Hall.  Heck, they all can’t even be City Slickers 2:  The Legend of Curly’s Gold.
——-
Well, since the judge didn’t say what exactly counts as community service, I hope this counts.   And at least I can save you, the fateful reader, from having to watch these questionable 20-year old films all the way through. Time to spoil…
——-
You don’t have to thank me now, just don’t forget me next time you go to pick up some Chipotle.
——-
(Blumes note:  The following is in good fun.  If you enjoy any these films, or if you’re Bruce Willis, I apologize in advance. Sorry Bruce.) 

——————————-

ROCK-A-DOODLE (1992)


SYNOPSIS:  Talk about laying an egg!

Uncle Jesse-ish Rooster grows killer pompadour, dons bedazzled jumpsuit, does his worst impression of fatter late-era Elvis.

It actually was pretty accurate as Rock-a-Doodle basically died on the toilet too.  Throw in a storyline about a flood, some cats and add Charles Nelson Rielly’s voice into the mix for good measure.  Shockingly, this didn’t connect with kids.

BOX OFFICE:  $11 million

SPOIL TIME!Missing Elvis bird comes back, sings, sun comes up, which can’t be a major surprise, as it’s exactly what Little Orphan Annie said would happen years ago.  The protagonist cat turns back into a person, worlds of humans and talking animals merge.

They would’ve done a sequel, but the animators’ and writers’ hands were too cramped from issuing apology letters to every human on planet Earth.

♪ “Love me (chicken) tender” ♪

———————————————-

BLANK CHECK (1994)

SYNOPSIS:  Blonde kid in the 90’s who wasn’t Macaulay Culkin mistakenly receives a blank check, fills it in for a million bucks, spends it on junk like slap bracelets, Reebok Pump sneakers, and those CD’s that came in long, cardboard cases.  Mobsters want it back, which correct me if I’m wrong, was the exact same plot to The Godfather Part II, right?

Karen Duffy, Tone Lōc, and the little spaghetti-haired runt from Family Ties (who I wrote about in this article) helped this simple snoozer work its way up to a snoozer of epic proportions.  Trust me, I saw it in theaters.

BOX OFFICE:  $30 million  (…but to be fair, $29, 999, 994 of that wasn’t from my wallet.)

SPOIL TIME!FBI traces marked bills being spent by Family Ties kid.  Bumbling mob has a showdown with a 5th grader, and you can take a big fat guess who wins.   With the threatening mob single-handedly toppled by a prepubescent zit-faced tween, the ragamuffin goes home and his family throws him a birthday party.  Kid still isn’t Macaulay Culkin at film’s end.

“Andy wrote a check THIS BIG!  …and he voted Democratic!”

————————————————-
WELCOME HOME,  ROXY CARMICHAEL (1990)


SYNOPSIS:  Winona Ryder has a wardrobe of 1990’s clothes, career.

She portrays an antisocial ‘lil scamp named “Dinky” who believes former film star, Roxy Carmichael, is her estranged mother.  Jeff Daniels has less messier hair than usual.

BOX OFFICE:  $4 million

SPOIL TIME!Break out the Kleenex, cause unfortunately, Dinky is not Roxy’s daughter, they just both have unusual names.  Actually, by the film’s end, we never even see Roxy. No biggie, it would’ve just been Jeff Daniels in drag anyway.

Disappointed by this news, Dinky ends up with a popular guy from school who never realizes he’s dating a girl named Dinky.  Thanks to Mermaids, this is actually not the worst film she releases in 1990.

“Roxy, you’re a sweet gal, but I requested Breyer’s ice cream, not Dreyer’s.  Learn to listen.”

————————————————————-

DR. GIGGLES  (1992)

SYNOPSIS:  Son of a wacky doctor returns to seek revenge for Obamacare.  Or something…

There’s a girl with a heart condition, hacked-up simple townsfolk, and a spooky house of mirrors.  Pretty much standard fare for a slasher flick… but with Doug E. Doug in it, so… win/win. (Of course if they changed the definition of “win”.)

For a more competent doctor, I’d suggest either Pepper or Dre.

BOX OFFICE:  $8 million

SPOIL TIME!Giggles, who has slashed up the stupid town, is killed by a teenager with a heart condition with defibrillators and surgery tools because movies.

He then lifts his scrubbed-leg and pees all over the fourth wall, making the cardinal sin of looking straight into the camera, addressing the already-annoyed viewer, and puking out the cringe-worthy line, “Is there a doctor in the house?” before finally croaking.  Ruin your day and experience it for yourself.

Here’s the real spoiler- no one answers cause they fell asleep ten minutes into this diaper-filler.

“Say Ahhh-wful”

————————————-

LOOK WHO’S TALKING NOW! (1993)

SYNOPSIS:   Remember when John Travolta had a most-welcomed comeback as a strung-out, $5 milkshake-drinking hitman in 1994’s smash, Pulp Fiction?  Well, this dud one of those things he had to come back from.

The babies have grown up, so of course the dogs talk. PETA actually considered being in this film akin to animal cruelity. Kirstie Alley was splashed with cans of red paint which she quickly learned the hard way was definitely not delicious ketchup.

And last, but certainly not least, a prolific appearance by the “Round Mound of Rebound” himself, Mr. Charles Barkley.

Jordan may have been the star of Space Jam, but on set, portly Chuck was known as “Space Ham”. 

BOX OFFICE:  $10 million

SPOIL TIME!Dog voiced by Danny DeVito (yet slightly taller) saves lives!   Wolves are scared by beeper sounds, dating this film in a way that only freakin’ beeper sounds could.  By the end, I could’ve sworn the dog voiced by Diane Keaton was wearing a frumpy hat and clunky shoes.

A happy ending reunites the whole clan, as opposed to Happy Endings the show, who’s cancellation separated their whole clan.  I kick myself for seeing this one before the first two Look Who’s Talking movies.

————————————————-

CUTTHROAT ISLAND  (1995)

Cutthroat island ver2.jpg

SYNOPSIS:  (From IMDB)  A female pirate and her companion race against their rivals to find a hidden island that contains a fabulous treasure.

At the time, the film’s star, Geena Davis, was married to Renny Harlin, the film’s director.  They divorced three years later.

Yes, this film was so bad, it literally broke up a marriage.

BOX OFFICE: $10 million

SPOIL TIME!:   Surprise!  The audience is treated to a walk off the plank into shark infested waters.  Which is much less painful than sitting through the rest of the film.

Cutthroat Island, the video game?  More like video lame. Wokka wokka.

——————————

HUDSON HAWK (1991)

SYNOPSIS:  Finally, one of the most notorious box office bombs of the 90’s. Oddly this might actually might have the distinction of being the best film mentioned here today.

Action hero, Bruce Willis, plays Hudson Hawk, a cat burglar who is blackmailed by the mob (likely the same mob from Blank Check) to steal pieces of valuable art.  To ruin any chance of audience enjoyability, he and Danny Aiello sing as well.

Why this didn’t break $100 million at the box office is beyond me.

BOX OFFICE:  $17 million

SPOIL TIME!Hudson Hawk kills bad guy, drinks cappuccino.   Sorry Hawk, you were twenty years too early for Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Starbucks’ new slogan:  “Officially NOT featured in Hudson Hawk!”

Blumes note:  I’ve actually passed by Danny Aiello a couple times at the supermarket, and I’ve been too intimidated to bring this movie up to him for fear of being viciously beaten up.

…Next time Andrew, next time.

“Don’t you interrupt me when I’m picking out Chips Ahoy, punk!”

14 Comments

Filed under Animation, Comedy, Entertainment, Humor, Movies, Pop Culture, Retro

Holy Batcrap! Batman Forever was Pure Guano

By Andrew Blumetti

Na na na na na na na na …. SATIRE!!!

Congratulations Ben Affleck, you broke the freakin’ internet.

————————–

THE BAD NEWS:  It’s been nearly three weeks since comic book fanboys’ heads simultaneously exploded into a giant pile of goo upon the news that Ben Affleck would don the black cowl as beloved superhero, Batman, in the 2015 follow-up to Zack Snyder’s Superman tale, Man of Steel.

THE GOOD NEWS:  Shockingly, not one date with an actual girl had to be cancelled because of it.

————————–

All hoopla aside, Affleck honestly doesn’t seem like a terrible choice per say, but perhaps it’s just a bit too soon to let another Bruce Wayne into our lives.

So, since we all have to live together for the next two years, maybe there’s hope yet to temper all those Batfans’ historical hissy fits and uncalled-for attacks against the innocent Aflac Duck.

aflac-duck

Stop egging my house!  You’ve got the wrong guy!  

 

How will I accomplish this daunting task you say?

Well, thank you for asking, this article would go nowhere without it.  Here, take my hand (you don’t actually have to) and follow me for a walk down Bat-movie memory lane. Look a little closer, and you’ll see, when you don’t reminisce with rose-colored glasses, it could be worse…

—————————————-

Let’s take flight with Batman: The Movie, the 1966 film adaptation of the popular Adam West Batman series.  It’d be over two decades before we’d see the Caped Crusader on the big screen again, as 1989 brought us Tim Burton’s Batman, the original big-name blockbuster with Michael Keaton as the title character and anchored by Jack Nicholson’s landmark performance as The Joker.  Its sequel, 1992’s Batman Returns, was the darker and disturbingly satisfying follow-up to the Gotham tale.  Things took a massive turn to Stupidville with 1997’s Batman & Robin  the jalopy clunker on a massive scale, an all-too obvious red-headed stepchild that all involved are still trying to sever ties with.

The franchise rebooted eight years later in 2005 with Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins, a critically-celebrated origin story of Bruce Wayne’s ascent to Gotham’s dark savior.  2008’s follow-up, The Dark Knight, was the golden goose of the bunch–  a box office sensation, an across-the-board success with critics, and Academy Award winner, bringing home an Oscar for the late Heath Ledger’s hypnotic performance as the clown prince of crime.  The last piece of the puzzle was revealed with 2012’s The Dark Knight Rises, an epic and interwoven rollercoaster ride which capped off Nolan’s gritty and uncompromising trilogy.

In just five short years, The Dark Knight has been regarded as the apex of what comic book films can aspire to be, but on the other side of the coin, it’s Batman & Robin that is universally vomited at, the true rotten tomato.

The 1997 flick was a flop of Gigli proportions (I’m looking at you again Affleck), complete with bat ice skates, a “Bat Visa card”, and more putrid Mr. Freeze puns than you can shake a frozen stick at. A turd in the punchbowl of such epic proportions, it literally cancelled Batman Triumphant, the proposed fifth film in the series.  Unfortunately, Speed 2 had already tested the public’s already-thin patience on garbage sequels that year, and Planet Earth was not amused, giving the film the ultimate cold shoulder.

(Crap!  Now I’m freeze-punning.)

But let’s not forget, the Fonz needed to ramp up speed before the big launch… in other words, you gotta find that launching pad to jump over the shark somewhere.

Enter 1995’s Batman Forever.

Released in the heart of the steamy ’95 summer film season, it was the third film of the Tim Burton-established series, but the first that he was not the director of, and the first to not feature Michael Keaton as the Caped Crusader.  The film was seen as a blatant 180-degree turn from 1992’s austere Batman Returns with its noticeably heightened levels of campiness and slick coating in a healthy sheen of bubblegum comic book whimsy.

While not necessarily a bad film, but Forever??  Really?

Let’s hope that title isn’t literal, because Father Time already has already flipped the off-switch on the bat signal of this lemon.

———————-

Why so serious Val? 

First hurdle–   How to fill those giant fan-favorite Keaton boots?

Hurdle solver– When all the boards of lumber in Home Depot kindly turned down the part, Schumacher found the next best thing– Val Kilmer.

V-Kilm was the lucky actor cast to fill the bat-void following Michael Keaton’s displeasure with the direction of the film following Tim Burton’s exit.  He accepted the part, script unseen, and Warner Bros. signed him with little hesitation as Kilmer’s name came with a strong resume and proven box office results–  His role as Jim Morrisson in Oliver Stone’s The Doors earned universal critical acclaim, as did his portrayal as cowboy gunslinger, Doc Holliday, in the 1992 hit, Tombstone.

“Dear Val,

Considering I played Batman for nearly half the film, you owe me half your paycheck.  You’ll hear from my lawyer soon. 

Sincerely,

Foam head in a Batman mask”

Harsh?  Maybe, but c’mon, rarely has a more stiff on-screen performance been given by just a visible pair of lips and a chin.  Granted, historically, a bubbly personality has never been The Dark Knight’s forte, but propped-up corpse, Bernie, from Weekend at Bernie’s had much more panache.

It’s also been reported Kilmer was allegedly a terror on set, often butting heads with Schumacher and crew.

…and the batsuit created for Batman and Robin often gets the blame for the infamous and very unnecessary “bat nipples”, but this Batman Forever bat-nip-slip-pic’s worth a thousand words.

“Commissioner Gordon said he’d pierce them for me for free!”

————————-

RIDDLE ME THIS!! 

– What’s sillier and less necessary than Bat nipples?

Well that answer is Robin nipples.

– Now riddle me this!  What’s sillier and less necessary than Robin nipples?

Well, that’d be the dingus attached to them, Robin.

There’s a reason Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale both stated their strong stance against including the Boy Wonder in the grittier Dark Knight trilogy.

He lays an egg.

(rimshot)

“Holy donuts Batman, now there’s puns about ME!”

 

—————————————

Between acting and reaching things on high shelves for then-husband, Tom Cruise, the 90’s were a crazy whirlwind for Nicole Kidman.

Given that fact, she’ll only get half the blame for playing Dr. Chase Meridian, a psychologist who falls in love with both a billionaire playboy and his black rubber suit secret persona.

Through only minor fault of Kidman, the weak-written Chase Meridian was instantly forgettable, as she lacked the sultry charisma of Michelle Pfeiffer’s Selina Kyle or the ear-shattering vocal pipes of Kim Basinger’s Vicki Vale.

Blumes note:  According to Wikipedia, “Her name is a play on words; as a psychologist in love with Batman/Bruce Wayne, she is constantly “chasing” the psychological “middle” of her lover, Bruce Wayne/Batman, seeking to reconcile his two halves into one complete lover.”*

*I am not responsible for any vomit that may have hit your computer while reading that drivel. 

—————————-

Here is the first of the two Bat-foes in Foe-ever Forever–  coin-flippin’, split personality ruffian, Two-Face, portrayed by Academy Award winner, Tommy Lee Jones.

Yes, this was the man deemed exciting enough to play a villain that wore a “Peg Bundy on crack” suit, complete with a tie that all too closely resembles Fred Flintstone’s giant cheetah-print moo-moo.

Blumes Trivia:  To make said half of said animal-print suit, costume designers broke into a zoo, captured and killed:

1. A leopard

2. A zebra

3. A different kind of pink zebra

4. Your fat drunk uncle in NFL Zubaz gear

Decked out with a freakishly sour makeup job that resembles something out of Troll 2, Two-Face represents the ying and yang of the human psyche and the criminal mind, blah, blah, blah…

Secretly, what we were all wondering is how Billy Dee Williams (who played Harvey Dent in 1989’s Batman) magically turned into a white guy to play the evil Two-Face in this film.

I’m as shocked as you are that this guy was able to catch The Fugitive.

 

“We’re upset we weren’t considered for Two-Face’s neon-gun toting, spandex wearing thugs.”

                                                                                                                                          -The Village People

——————————–

BREAKING NEWS!   With 95% of the precincts reporting, we can confidently report that the winner of this year’s “Most Painfully Flamboyant Costume” goes to: 

(wait for it…)

THE FLYING GRAYSONS!

Come up and accept your award!  You’ve earned it!

graysons

Ohhhhhhhh no.  Cut to commercial!

———————————

A glow stick?!? Get out of Gotham and go back to your rave Drew Berrymore.

———————————————

Batman Forever Topps candy!

This was the second highest selling snack of the year, right behind “Showgirls Snickers”, but just ahead of  “Se7en’s What’s in the Box?!?  Milk Duds”.

Blumes Note:  If you can stomach 18-year old novelty candy, a cool four bucks will currently score you a set of these on eBay.

———————————-

… and last but certainly least, every red-blooded female’s dreamboat in spandex, Mr. Jim Carrey, as the puzzling punctuation-printed prince of poppycock, The Riddler, who almost lost the part…

To this guy…

“My ampersand tuxedo is at the dry cleaners!”

 

Jason Vorhees may have slaughtered camps, and Ernest may have gone to one, but in Batman Forever, Jim Carrey brought the camp, and he brought it hardcore. His slapstick shtick, madcap Robin Williams-on-caffeine antics, and overall Jim Carreyness seemed miles and miles away from the monochromatic, gray gothic world Tim Burton erected during his tenure manning the USS Batman .

…and just in case you forgot The Mask, Ace Ventura, or Dumb and Dumber, Jim Carrey wants to remind you he can make Silly Putty-ish faces…

again…

and again…

——————————–

Lemons, brace yourself… you’re about to become lemonade…

It’s often been said a blind squirrel will occasionally find a nut, and lucky for us,  Batman Forever’s soundtrack was an acorn hiding under a soggy leaf.

Despite rampant overplaying on radio and MTV, Seal’s “Kiss From a Rose”  was the marquee song, but between U2’s hit “Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me”, plus tracks by PJ Harvey, Sunny Day Real Estate, Mazzy Star, Massive Attack, The Flaming Lips, The Offspring and Nick Cave, who had time to listen to Mr. Ex-Heidi Klum anyway?

————————————–

Well, that’s it folks.

Despite the blogular swirley it just received, perhaps we should be thanking Batman Forever.  Without it causing the proverbial wheels to fall off the original franchise, we wouldn’t eventually have been rewarded with Christopher Nolan’s superb Dark Knight trilogy a decade later.

And if you think I’m being a bat-bully and too hard on the movie, don’t worry… Confession time- I still own it on VHS.

20130912_040218

Yes, I know it’s shocking that I’m still single.

 

—————–

– Will there ever be another Bat film like it? 

– Will we ever have to suffer through Robin again? 

– Are Billy Dee Williams and Tommy Lee Jones related?  Are Tommy Lee Jones and Tommy Lee related?

– Will Ben Affleck call Val Kilmer for advice on the role?  

– Will anyone buy the old eBay candy? 

Find out next time… SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT CHANNEL

BAM!   POW!   KAPLOP!   ZWOG!    GNOSH!   STINKAROO!

39 Comments

Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Humor, Internet, Movies, Pop Culture, Retro

Vigo From Ghostbusters II Died Ten Years Ago! (…and Other Things You Didn’t Know About Him)

By Andrew Blumetti

“Vigy, Vigy, Vigy, you have been a bad monkey!”

Dr. Peter Venkman

Amen brotha Billy… in fact you don’t even know the half of it.

Vigo the Carpathian, main antagonist in 1989’s summer-comedy spooktacular sequel, Ghostbusters II, was a 17th Century Moldavian genocidal tyrant, so horridly sadistic and blood-curdlingly malevolent, he earned a shopping list of not-so jolly nicknames, including but not limited to:  “Vigo the Cruel”, “Vigo the Torturer”, Vigo the Despised” and “Vigo the Butch Unholy”.

That concentrated evil is all just Hollywood magic of course.  When director Ivan Reitman yelled “Cut!”, the loathsome, murderous former-painting Vigo took off his mustard-y armor plated threads and was nothing more than an ordinary 20th Century human– German-born actor, Wilhelm von Homburg.

Wilhelm von Homburg?

True, a name that certainly doesn’t organically ring that familiar bell the way Tom Hanks or Brad Pitt does upon first listen.  While Fabio  Tony Little-lookalike, Vigo, was a celebrated villain to millions of movie fans, poor ‘ol Wilhelm was far from the definition of household of names, especially here in the United States.

Don’t mistake that last statement for a boring life though.  On the contrary in fact.  In spite of his unfamiliar foreign moniker and assumed one claim-to-fame, blondielocks lived quite an enthralling life to say the least.

So, kick back, unplug that dancing toaster, hop in the Statue of Liberty’s crown and let’s take a walk down memory lane.  When all is said and done, you’ll be rather surprised to learn of the roller coaster-ride of the life of the man who played the painting who tried to steal the baby to come back and kill the men who captured ghosts for a high fee.

“Suck in the guts guys, we’re on some dumb blog.”

———————

CLEAN SWEEP!

“Mop up all that pink slime or we’re calling Immigration on you. NOW.”

Not one to be pushed around in the film, but during the filming of Ghostbusters II, the Vigmeister lost a bet on the Cleveland Browns and had to clean up after those sloppy Scoleri Brothers.  No easy task- those paranormal fatties dropped Devil Dog crumbs EVERYWHERE.  We’d all like to think perhaps the whole cast pitched in to help.  Somewhere there has to be a photo of Rick Moranis accidentally dropping his glasses into the men’s room urinal while changing the cakes.

——————–

“LET’S WRASSLE!”

Bust out them singlets!

In the 1950’s, he wrestled in the United States with his father under his birth name, Norbert Grupe.

Due to people incorrectly pronouncing his last name, “Groupie”, he changed his name to the much more roll-off-the-tongue, “Wilhelm von Homburg”.  A few years later, he’d switch over to a different kind of ring, as boxing came calling his “impossible-to-pronounce-without-sounding-like-you’re-in-the-SS” name.

————————-

PUT UP YOUR DUKES!

“I’ll knock out Annie Potts and steal her French-bread pizza any day of the week.”

From 1962 to 1970, Homburg found a career as a successful boxer, nicknamed “Prinz”, a grand stage-name chosen in order to create a sense of royalty surrounding him.

Unofficial nicknames given to the pugilist were “The Boxing Beatle” thanks to his moppy mane, and the slightly less popular, “The German Answer to Muhammad Ali” thanks to the obvious resemblance.

He ended his career with a record of 29 wins, 11 losses, and 6 draws.  But to be fair, half of those victories came against Slimer.

In 2002, a documentary about Homburg’s life, entitled The Boxing Prince, was released.  This was later renamed to The Artist Formerly Known as the Boxing Prince… then eventually just a symbol.

———————————

JUST YOUR AVERAGE AWKWARD GERMAN TV INTERVIEW

The day after a lost boxing match against rival Oscar Bonavena in 1969, Homburg appeared for a television interview on a German talk show.  He sat silent and smirking for the entire 10 minutes as the interviewer tossed snarky comments about Homburg’s boxing loss and his flashy lifestyle his way.

It still had twice as many viewers as any episode of Joey though.

To be fair, he’s still the second-most popular “Matt” from friends though.

————————–

YEE-HAW!

Vigo’s years in the Bloods were spent constantly throwing the wrong hand symbol.

Despite his most prominent role as the adversary in Ghostbusters II, Homburg also had a minor acting career, appearing in hit movies starring Carl Winslow, such as Die Hard, and non-hit movies without Carl Winslow, such as Diggstown, and John Carpenter’s 1994 horror film, In the Mouth of Madness.

“Go ahead, call me Cee-Lo Green ONE MORE TIME.”

——————————–

VIGO’S ACTION FIGURE?  TERRIFYING.

Nice mullet.”- Skeletor

To properly showcase Vigo’s mighty shoulder pads, a Janet Jackson “Rhythm Nation” doll was just painted over to achieve the look.

—————————-

VIGO’S “TO CATCH A PREDATOR-ISH” VOICE?  DUBBED.

“Dan Aykroyd said I couldn’t borrow his hair straightener.”

Bill Murray first dipped his gut-busting toe into the world of more dramatic roles in Wes Anderson’s 1998 charming classic, Rushmore.  Just five short years later, his brilliant performance as Bob Harris, an aging actor trying to find himself in Tokyo in 2003’s Lost in Translation made him a frontrunner for the first Academy Award of his career.

One textbook self-righteous Sean Penn acceptance speech later, and Murray’s trophy night never came to be.

Fret not specter-catching fans– While we can’t say Ghostbusters II included an Oscar-winning actor, at least we can say Bill Murray has good company with another Academy Award nominee in the film.

Max von Sydow, a Swedish actor, best known for playing Father Lankester Merrin in the horror landmark, The Exorcist, and appeared in Hannah and Her Sisters, The Diary of Anne Frank, and most recently, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, provided the few voiced lines of Vigo the Carpathian in the film.

“For relaxing times, make it Vigo time.”

————————

VIGO THE CONVICT

It wasn’t all fun times in the ring and bro-down pow-wows with Dan Aykroyd for Homburg though.

The persistent paparazzi hounded him, following the actor’s descent into the darker corners of his life.  Homburg’s life became filled with drugs, drug dealing, pimping and extortion, even spending a chunk of time 1%’ing it up with a Hell’s Angels chapter.

After many run-ins with Johnny Law, he spent five years in jail for charges on the previously mentioned bevy of charges.  Which was a major pleabargin from his initial sentence of being sprayed endlessly with gooey pink slime.

————————–

ADIOS ‘OL VIGY…

Unfortunately, after a troubled and turbulent life, Homburg passed away almost a decade ago, to the day, on March 10, 2004 from complications from cancer.  And with him, we said raise our proton packs, give an ‘ol 21 “not crossing the streams” salute and say goodbye to the second-greatest Ghostbusters villain to grace the silver screen.

Wait, let’s make sure of this…

1. Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

2. Vigo

3. Walter Peck

4. Zuul

5. the old lady ghost in the library

6. Jack Hardemeyer, the mayor’s assistant

7. Female Gozar (who actually should count as Stay Puft as well…)

Okay, silver medal sounds good enough.

“I’ve worked with better, but not many.”

Dr. Peter Venkman

22 Comments

Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Humor, Movies, Pop Culture, Retro, Sports