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Tarantino’s Wuss Pack

By Andrew Blumetti

Quentin Tarantino (tærənˈtiːnoʊ), noun One of the most prolific, controversial and popular film directors of the past two decades.  His over-the-top smattering of grindhouse ultra-violence, 70’s throwback nostalgia, dialogue-heavy scenes and non-linear story telling has captivated movie goers from east to west and north to south, and back to east again.

Mr. Tarantino’s given us quite the array of characters in his seven (or eight if you split the Kill Bills) major motion pictures.  Unsavory, immoral, and entertaining as the night is long, their bigger-than-life personalities jump out from the screen, grab us by the scruff of the neck, and demand our attention.

…and I wouldn’t like to run into any of them in a dark alley any day (but to be fair, I wouldn’t want to be in a dark alley anyway.  It’s a breeding ground for puddles and gum to get stuck on the bottom of your shoe).

Lucky for me though, the way the world works, things often balance out.  For every Mr. Blonde, Pai Mei, or Hugo Stiglitz that makes us wet our collective britches in fear, there’s gotta be some lightweights shuffling around in Queint’s flicks… and I’ll take my chances with them in a dark alley anytime.

I now present, “The Top Ten Tarantino Non-Toughies I Could Probably Take in a Fight”

(much like old sour cream in the toasty July sun, the following is NOT spoiler-free)

1. Mr. Blue (Reservoir Dogs, 1992) portrayed by Eddie Bunker

The ‘Dogs resident seasoned vet with that impressive ‘stache and psycho gleam in his eyes.  Now, he’d probably have me eating red-hot lead within seconds, but considering I was 12 when this movie came out, and he was old then, I think he may be the only one of the colored-named criminals in the bunch I could’ve held my own against.

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2. Brett (Pulp Fiction, 1994) portrayed by Frank Whaley

One of the four clowns who decided to screw over Band-aided crime kingpin, Marsellus Wallace, Brett is actually a whiter guy than me, which I never thought possible.  His ability to get rubber-mouth under pressure, and the fact that he eats cheeseburgers for breakfast sure puts the odds in my corner.

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3. Buck (Kill Bill- Vol. 1, 2003) portrayed by Michael Bowen

The creepy orderly in the hospital who had a gross on-the-side business dealing with coma patients.  This immoral entrepreneurial weirdo met his eventual fate from a fresh out-of-coma patient with dead legs, so that’s gotta put me in a good spot.

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4. Warren (Death Proof, 2007) portrayed by Quentin Tarantino

In a film full of mostly tough adrenaline-seeking women who’d whoop me in a heartbeat, I had to find one of the few fellas in the latter half of Grindhouse to pick.  Now, if I couldn’t at least go toe-to-toe with a cornball bartender (played by Quentin himself) who pushes a drink called “Chartreuse”, then it’s time to hand in my man-card.

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5. Master Sgt. Wilhelm (Inglourious Basterds, 2009) portrayed by Alexander Fehling

Guten tag!  A German soldier given the night off to celebrate the birth of his son, Wilhelm’s crap timing finds himself smack dab in the middle of a firefight inside a Parisian pub.

Sure, he’s a Nazi, and sure, he’s experienced with heavy artillery, but the guy and his fellow soldier comrades seem like sloppy drunks, like Jersey Shore-ish drunk.  And if there’s one time Andrew can successfully pull off a strike, it’s when battling against the very inebriated.  That’s why I’d be so good at fending off zombies, they’re just like decaying cannibalistic drunks.

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6. Larry Gomez (Kill Bill- Vol. 2, 2004) portrayed by Larry Bishop

I do feel bad putting anyone on this list who’s been in Kung Fu, Laverne and Shirley and The Dukes of Hazzard, especially someone who made me laugh so much in the second Kill Bill installment.

He spent his lone five minutes in the film snorting coke with a trashy exotic dancer and chewing out Michael Madsen for being late to work, so outside of those five minutes, he’d probably beat the everloving cake out of me, so strike when the iron is hot.

I bet he’d enjoy my Sylvester Stallone article though, seeing as he kinda looks like him.

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7. Mark Dargus (Jackie Brown, 1997) played by Michael Bowen

I’m really banking this list on the fact that Michael Bowen’s got a glass jaw, cause otherwise, I’m toast.

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8. “The Gimp” (Pulp Fiction, 1994) portrayed by Stephen Hibbert

This leather wearing, zipper-mouthed freak basically went down in one stealth hit by a just-out-of-a-car-accident Bruce Willis.  Despite his creepy mask, “The Gimp” doesn’t necessarily instill much fear, seeing as he was tethered on a leash the whole time, and I’m highly suspect that Jim Belushi is actually under that costume.

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9. Francesca Modino’s poodle (Inglourious Basterds, 2009)

Here we have the prissy dog of the prissy Francesca Modino (Julie Dreyfus), the French-to-German interpreter to Head of Propaganda in Germany, Joseph Goebbels.  Naturally, fighting animals is a big no-no (I really don’t want PETA getting all huffy and puffy, protesting to shut down my blog and toss red paint over computer screens nationwide),  but I’d put the over/under at me beating this dog at a foot race at about 65/35.

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10.  Billy Crash (Django Unchained, 2012) portrayed by Walton Goggins

Cowboys are the true classic American-definition of “manly”.  They’re gruff, tough, and I’m guessing their sweat smells like a leather couch from Crate and Barrel.

Billy Crash may have been quick with the six-shooter and wore a pretty sweet hat, but he was all talk, with nothing to back it up when push comes to shove.  Basically he’s kind of like a slavery-era cowboy version of every single stupid bully in every single stupid after-school special that ran in lieu of Duck Tales.

Man, I hated those.

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May the Sauce Be With You: It’s a Star Wars Pizza Party!

A long time ago in an oven far, far away…

By Andrew Blumetti

Ingredients for a Star Wars Pizza:

– dough (warm water, active yeast, flour, salt, olive oil, sugar)

– 1 can of San Marzano tomatoes

– fresh shredded mozzarella cheese

– fresh-picked basil, oregano, with salt and pepper to taste

– optional toppings (pepperoni, sausage, peppers, onions, mushrooms, olives, etc…)

Mix dough ingredients, flatten out, ladle sauce on top, generously sprinkle cheese, add desired toppings and spices and pop that sucka in a 425 degree oven for 15 minutes.  Remove from oven, take your Chewbacca mask off, and enjoy.

WARNING:  I cannot guarantee there will be an actual girl within miles of this thing to actually share it with though.  (Just kidding, no hate mail please.  We all know it’s the Trekkies who have the chick-free parties).

Dig in space buddies!

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Hungry you are…

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He took a solo slice of pizza. 

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The delivery guy took more than 30 minutes, so it cost them no dough:

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Q:  How do you ruin your pizza before you even open the box?

A: This is how:

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(deep heavy breath) Luke, I am your dinner”

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Much like Kevin McAllister, poor Darth was mad no one saved him a plain cheese:


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Some people like their ‘za thin and crispy, some like it thick and chewy

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The competition here is intense.  The only thing missing is, “Luke, I am your Papa John’s”…

 

   

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There’s no way on Earth this doesn’t taste heinous…

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Lego of that slice!

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Wrong party stupid!


(With the exception of the title logo, I don’t own any of these photos, and I don’t have a pizza right now either.  I sure wish one of those two weren’t so.)

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Fifty Shades of Grated Cheese

By Andrew Blumetti

The Earth is made up of 71% water.

Of the remaining 29% of the Earth, nearly all humans inhabit only 4% of it.

Of that 4% of person-filled land, half of it is filled with men.

As a spokesman for all of the 3.5 billion men taking up 2% of this green and blue rock’s surface, I’ll say it- We didn’t, still don’t, and will never get the Fifty Shades of Grey thing.

In my opinion, if it’s not Green Eggs and Ham, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, or anything written by Don Rickles, it just ain’t worth reading.

I don’t know what it is about trashy novels, but that book is still all the rage nowadays with anyone with two X-chromosomes and some free time to read.  We can only assume blonde mimbo/bird magnet, Fabio, is a bit peeved he didn’t make his grandiose comeback on novel’s cover for oogling eyes to oogle.

Despite our male head scratching, it’s British author, E.L. James, who is laughing all the way to the bank.  Much like Twilight, The Hunger Games, or Harry Potter, the Shades series will be an upcoming multi-part film adaptation that will have all the merit of an afternoon Lifetime movie or the God-awful Sutter Home commercials that run during it.

Well, we will have to leave the mediocre writing to James, as I can’t tell you the first thing about trashy novels– they just never took up residence in my wheelhouse.

…Although, that wouldn’t really bring us anywhere, and to quote the philosophical brain of Andy Dwyer from Parks and Recreation, “The show must go wrong.”

So, ladies, being the eternal giver I am, prepare to have your fancy tickled… tickled big time.  Throw away your Grey books, put those scampish rugrats to bed early, close the shutters, pour yourselves some wine, and kick back for the tastiest read of the year.

My gift to you:  FIFTY SHADES OF GRATED CHEESE

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1.  “Homer Simpson”

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2.  “Art Alexakis’s Hair”

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3.  “Bert and Ernie”

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4.  “Kirsten Stewart’s Complexion”

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5.  “Tampa Bay Buccaneers Uniforms, circa 1980”


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6.  “The Floor After a Madonna Haircut”

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7.  “Jaundice Spongebob”

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8.  “The Joker’s Face”

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9.  “Hitler’s Ideal Hair Color”

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10.  “The Beard of the Old Guy From Home Alone

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11.  “In Utero Album Color”

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12. “Ku Klux Kheese”

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13.  “Very Paul Hogan”

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14. “Kill Bill Outfit”

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15.  “Sloppy Candy Corn”

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16.  “The Cover of Rage Against the Machine’s Evil Empire

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17. “Stay Puft”

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18. “Mr. Blonde”

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19.  “Devo”

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20.  “Bird’s Eye View of Christina Aguilera”


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21. “Extreme Sigur Rós”

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22. “Seasick Big Bird”

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23. “Nick Nolte Mugshot”

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24.  “Cheesegally Blonde”

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25.  “Electric Penguin Beak”

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26.  “Racial Harmony”

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27. “Hulk Hogan’s Skin”

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28.  “Encore at a Coldplay Concert”

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29. “Party On Garth!”

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30. “Thom Yorke in the ‘Creep’ Video”

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31.  “Borat’s Suit”

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32.  “The Crowd Shopping at J. Crew”

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33.  “Not Getting in the Apollo Theater”

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34.  “Ozzy Osbourne’s Lunch in the 1980’s”

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35.  “Wu-Tang Clan Logo”

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36.  “The Family Circus Kids’ Hair”


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37.  “Day Old Chowder”

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38.  “Generic Indian Food”

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39.  “New Jersey Tanning Mom”

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40.  “Every Scene in Fargo

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41. “Leftover Turnip at Thanksgiving”

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42.  “Wigga”

 

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43.  “Fruity-Looking Powdered Wig”

 

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44.  “Michael Jackson, the Post-Molestation Years”

 

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45.  “Offensive Lineman on Every NFL Team”

 

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46.  “Eddie Cheddar”

 

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47.  “Pillsbury Dough Boy, the Sequel”

 

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48.  “Egon’s Hair in The Real Ghostbusters

 

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49.  “Flo from the Progressive Insurance Commercials”

 

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50.  “Gunther Gable Williams”

 

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Sylvester Stallone- This is Your Life! (In Action Figures)

By Andrew Blumetti

Mr. Michael Sylvester Gardenzio Stallone, you have been an American film institution for the last four decades.  We’ve cheered you on and threw popcorn at the screen as you heroically battled Apollo Creed, hung from snowy cliffs, warned us of your shooting mom, and shot up the blasted Vietcong till they resembled slices of Swiss cheese.

And Sly, we still love you, even though the years may not have been very kind.  Your slur has become more slurry, your tattooed muscles more awkward,  and your face may look like a melted plastic mess, but guldarnit, so do these toys…

Rocky’s happy they were able to get the short bus to the top of those Philadelphia steps…

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… and Rock’ll knock you out in flamboyant shorts!

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This is a toy…                                          

… and this is an actual human (presumably)

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If you want the rest of the computers to mock yours, insert this uncomfortable-looking thing into the USB port: 

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This is Stallone from Cobra, or the guy from 30 Seconds to Mars…

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Judge Dredd!  The worst movie you’ve never seen…

  

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He doesn’t know how to use the three shells, but with that messed-up hip going on there, he’s got bigger problems in the commode…

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This is a dummy used in Demolition Man.  This is also the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.  …and I saw Demolition Man.

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Sly’s character “Weaver”, from the animated film A Bug’s Life  Antz.  It’s either Satan, The Noid, or a commie cricket.  Either way, your pizza’s getting crapped on.

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Dean DeLeo from Stone Temple Pilots!  That’s what you were thinking too, right?

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This gem says “Ages 5 & Up”.  Which is odd, cause 5-year-olds don’t seem like the target demographic for Rambo.  Guess it’s something for them to play with when they get sick of their Hannibal Lecter Easy Bake Oven and “I Spit On Your Grave Revenge Barbie”.  

Side note:  Someone should put that drawing on the box in a museum.

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Rambo’s simultaneous somber face and jazz hands sure are a head scratcher…

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Stallone from The Expendables 2.  The lesson here is that the more accurate the toy looks, the less enjoyable it is. 

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Over the Top Stallone says, “Go Amrrrrrica!”  (If you didn’t laugh at that, go back and reread it with a slur.  If you still didn’t laugh, mission accomplished.)

And no, they never made an Oscar figure.  Believe me, I checked… 

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