By Andrew Blumetti
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Happy October everyone!
Bust out the crispy apples to bob, the bumpy pumpkins to carve, and the scary black cats to avoid. It’s finally the spookiest time of the year, and I couldn’t be happier. To celebrate, this post will begin a month’s worth of Halloween-centric topics. From goofy costumes to Trick or Treating to horror movies, all writing/art during October will be a Halloween celebration. Hope you enjoy!
Best witches,
-Andrew
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“I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”
– L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables
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Now, if your tenth month of the year is anything like mine, your DVD player will be working overtime, playing every scary movie ever made all Halloween season long to put you in that perfect chilling mood. (It’ll also be filled with purchasing bags of candy for trick-or-treaters way too early, and snacking on them all month long instead, but that’s really a story for another time.)
Seriously, these things won’t make it past October 2nd.
See the sun dropping earlier? The air is getting chilly and you’re quick to break those hooded sweatshirts out of their long slumber, the only way to celebrate is to get the blood pumping by crankin’ up the terror.
It’s perfect time to throw on some comfy slippers, kick back with a warm cup of apple cider and watch Jason slash up some ill-fated teenage campers, hordes of mindless zombies descend upon the ramshackle house in Night of the Living Dead, and Leatherface rev up that grimy, rusty chainsaw to really ruin someone’s afternoon.
Horror movies and Halloween season go hand-in-hand in the most fun way possible. It’s that eerie time of year we’re slightly more apprehensive to shut the lights in the kitchen or we may drive a little faster when we pass a cemetery at night. For these 31 days, don’t imagine trying to walk in the dark without looking over your shoulder, even for just a split second. You know, every creak, every squeak, every sound could be terror right around the corner, waiting to take you down.
Of corpse course, those same beloved horror anti-heros are a cash cow for the Halloween costume-business as well.
Let’s investigate further. In 2013, when it comes to adult Halloween costumes, there’s basically four major categories to pick from:
1. Superhero (examples: Batman, Superman, Spiderman, etc…)
Wow, they Photoshopped a girl in there pretty seamlessly, didn’t they?
2. Guy Who Makes a Giant Cardboard Facebook Profile Around His Head
Fact: Mark Zuckerberg gets a dollar every time you wear one of these.
3. Trashy ANYTHING (girls freezing their tails off to thoroughly skank up any costume or character available)
“Halloween, just the way your grandparents spent it.”
4. Scary (examples: vampire, zombie, witches, monsters, horror movie characters, etc…)
BRAAAAAINS!!! (Hey zombies, don’t go to the trashy costume picture for those.)
(Blumes note: Miley Cyrus costumes can count as numbers 3 AND 4)
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And category four is where we’re focusing today (I know, I know, we were all hoping for trashy ones, I kinda was too).
When pulled-off correctly, seeing our most feared and terrifying wet-your-pants-in-fear villains, ghouls, and goblins come to life, it can be a horrifying treat to experience.
Or… how when those same ghastly villains costumes aren’t pulled off correctly, it’s well… cringeworthy comedy at its finest.
Lock the doors, turn on the lights, and get your best scream ready, cause it’s the Halloworst!
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CRAP COSTUME #1
Who’s that mess?: Jason Voorhees
Film: Friday the 13th
Estimated costume cost: $2.00
But he should look like:
And you wondered why the attendance at the Florida Panthers game is so low?
But why’s it a train wreck?: True, true, the weaker Friday… films did feature lumbering camper-killer, Jason, with a smart, Supercuts-esque, well-quaffed, white guy-hairdo, complete with a red Aeropostale t-shirt, but c’mon fella, you look more like Jason Bateman than Jason Voorhees in that craptacular costume.
He should actually be careful, that mask is so cheap, it’s likely those air holes are just painted on.
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Hey kid,
Thanks for making me look less stupid.
Love,
Jason X
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CRAP COSTUME #2
Who’s that mess?: Carrie White … I think
Film: Carrie
Estimated costume cost: $5.95
But she should look like:
“Don’t you people think? All the fries will be ketchup-less now!”
But why’s it a train wreck?: One time, many many long times ago, I felt my throat getting dryer than Harrison Ford on a talk show interview. Yes, friends, it was that classic instinct- thirst.
Of course as fate would have it, all that was around was a bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red. Sure, there’s questionable red dyes in it, but brotha, beggars can’t be choosers. When you gotta quench, you gotta quench.
As I went to grab it, ‘ol butterfingers that I am, I dropped it like a total glom. Shaken Mountain Dew isn’t safe by any means, but the intense thirst was winning, and I needed relief right then.
So, I turned the cap and BAM!!! The sticky corn syrupy-soda exploded all over me, and I was covered in an embarassing red.
Bottom line of my story? I looked more like Carrie than this girl does.
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CRAP COSTUME #3
Who’s that mess?: Hannibal Lecter
Film: The Silence of the Lambs
Estimated costume cost: $6.00
But he should look like:
If you think this is scary, you should’ve seen me in Freejack!
But why’s it a train wreck?: Well, for starters, you couldn’t have a less intimidating kid playing Hannibal the Cannibal. He’ll only get to trick or treat if he can unstuff himself from his high-school locker and get out before dark.
Lucky for him, I’m a “glass is half full” kind of guy. On the plus side, when November 1st comes around, this goober can cut the bars off and make this thing into the beard he’ll never be able to grow.
That’s right, win/win buddy! Blumes is lookin’ out for ya!
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CRAP COSTUME #4
Who’s that mess?: Captain Spaulding
Film: House of 1000 Corpses/The Devil’s Rejects
Estimated costume cost: $3.00
But he should look like:
“Wait, they’re using pretzel buns on burgers now?!?”
But why’s it a train wreck?: Well, frankly, he’s sassy. Like “jazz hands” kind of sassy. That’s never a good look, especially for a dirty, scummy, merciless murdering clown.
Plus the painted-on facial hair, wacky uneven eyebrows and constipated face just come off as scary, but in all the wrong ways.
You gotta remember Flamboyant Spaulding, bran flakes are your friend in a time like this. How do you think Freddy Krueger stays so regular?
“Two bowls of Raisin Bran a day, and I’m good to go!”
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CRAP COSTUME #5
Who’s that mess?: Michael Myers
Film: Halloween
Estimated costume cost: $3.99
But he should look like:
“You can’t trick me. I saw Home Alone, I’m not falling for that paint can on the stairs trap.”
But why’s it a train wreck?: With all that time spent murdering people, how’s soft-rock Myers gonna keep his place playing bass for Michael Bolton’s backing band?
That’s a Michael Myers spread way too thin.
To Michael Myers: “How am I supposed to live without you?”
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CRAP COSTUME #6
Who’s that mess?: Freddy Krueger
Film: A Nightmare on Elm Street
Estimated costume cost: -$0.02 (for stolen plastic utensil)
But he should look like:
Freddy during Madonna’s “Vogue” craze. With those fingers, that was a painful time.
But why’s it a train wreck?: ♪ “One, two, Freddy’s gonna eat stew” ♪
Don’t fall asleep… at lunch? Because Freddy’s back, working at a mid-range IT firm to haunt your dreams, torment your innocent soul, and mercilessly plastic spork your sad-self into a bloody pulp.
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CRAP COSTUME #7
Who’s that mess?: Billy the Puppet
Film: Saw
Estimated costume cost: $12.50 (I didn’t charge for shoes)
But he should look like:
“Maybe people would treat me with more respect if I went by ‘William the Puppet’. Sigh. “
But why’s it a train wreck?: It’s not really a bad costume per say, the effort is surely there. I just can’t get past the fact this adult on a tricycle spent his hard-earned dinero on a crappy magician’s tuxedo, Saw mask, and a shiny new bike, but decided that’s where the purse-strings closed, and usually-valuable shoes would have to suffer.
“Fred Flintstone-ing” your costume when it’s not required is a classic Halloween faux pas, and isn’t going to win you friends anytime soon.
Seriously– try being at the party, talking to this creepy schlub with his grody, grungy feet sticking out within a five-foot radius of the dip, and tell me you’re not gonna lose your appetite and head for the nearest exit.
Also, this Billy mask features the hair of Roseanne Barr back during Roseanne Barr’s awful hairdo period.
YIKES!
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CRAP COSTUME #8
Who’s that mess?: Chucky
Film: Child’s Play
Estimated costume cost: $4.99
But he should look like:
Chucky: Still less scary than Carrot Top… and less painful.
But why’s it a train wreck?: Procrastination never pays kids.
This is what happens when you wait till Halloween afternoon to buy your costume… at the dollar store. And not even the good dollar store that sells Twix at two for a buck, it’s the one where you need to cry in the shower like Glenn Close in The Big Chill when you get home.
“Everything there was off-brand! What’s a Twankie?!?”
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CRAP COSTUME #9
Who’s That Mess?: Micah Sloat and Katie Featherston
Film: Paranormal Activity
Estimated costume cost: $0.00. Literally zero.
But they should look like:
“Seriously kids, you literally had to dress up like white people. How’d you screw that up?”
But why’s it a train wreck?: How could you not be a fan of the 2009 found-footage demon fest, Paranormal Activity? Created on the budget of two iced frappes at Starbucks, its Hitchcockian-attack on the senses of “less is more” was a refreshing minimalist change from the gorefests that seem to overtake modern horror.
As for this low-grade attempt at the main character’s costumes, obviously these two derelicts just wore their Kool Aid-stained pajamas to a party. In fact, I doubt if they even knew there was a costume party. This was just a result of a sloppy lunch. Or more likely, lunches.
(Also note: This girl is barefooting it. It may be accurate, but still a major no-no.)
(Also note, part 2: Check out that “mummy” sitting on the couch behind them. That party has no standards whatsoever. Can you imagine the chips they bought?)
“Is that those kids in the costume?!? Oh no, it’s a demon. Phew.”
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CRAP COSTUME #10
Who’s That Mess?: Pennywise the Clown
Film: Stephen King’s It
Estimated costume cost: $6.50
But he should look like:
“I’m smiling because my landscaping business is taking off so well.”
But why’s it a train wreck?: Ask anyone who suffers from coulrophobia (fear of clowns), and many are certain to pinpoint their petrifying fear back to this devilish creature from one of Stephen King’s most famous works. His eyes turn a terrifying yellow, he has razor-sharp fangs, and he yanks little boys to their untimely bloody deaths in the rain-drenched sewer like Dr. Smith in Lost in Space.
Well, show them this clown college reject, and their nose-honking, balloon-animal fear will go away faster than this clown’s self esteem did, apparent by his “I lost ALL of my money betting on the Giants game last week!” face.
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CRAP COSTUME #11
Who’s that mess?: Shaun Riley
Film: Shaun of the Dead
Estimated costume cost: $1.05 (for name tag)
But he should look like:
“C’mon! This is NOTHING like the Thriller video!”
But why’s it a train wreck?: From the neck-down, it’s actually not.
True, zombie-killer/slacker Shaun’s costume isn’t much more than a bloody white shirt and tie with an added bloody cricket bat, but the fact this guy looks like a Slayer roadie is really ruining the overall look.
and think of the fallout at the next Slayer concert…
Slayer: Hey, this guitar string broke mid-song, get a replacement, quick!
(silence)
Slayer: Geez, what’s taking so long?!?
Tour manager: Your roadie is trick or treating. We’ll have to cancel the concert.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO!
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CRAP COSTUME #12
Who’s that mess?: Regan MacNeil
Film: The Exorcist
Estimated costume cost: $1.00
But she should look like:
“Fellas, I’m on Plenty of Fish… and available!”
But why’s it a train wreck?: Somehow this girl managed to get out of bed, look like a total disaster, and still mess up the intended “get out of bed and look like a disaster” look that demonized youth, Regan has to endure in the horror classic, The Exorcist.
And now, for your reading enjoyment, I was able to score an exclusive interview with Regan herself to get her opinion on this controversial costume issue:
Blumes: Regan, can you please give me your feelings on this girl’s lame wannabe demon getup of you?
Regan: 
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CRAP COSTUME #13
Who’s that mess?: Ghostface
Film: Scream
Estimated costume cost: $0.50
But he should look like:
“I will finally get my revenge on Gordon Ramsay for kicking me off the show!”
But why’s it a train wreck?: Go into any Walgreens or CVS store this time of year, and you’ll see a ton of these now classic Scream masks taking up residence on the shelf, and their prime selling point? Most of them won’t break your bank in the least.
Yes, it’s a cheap costume that’ll give you little hat-hair, and hey, you’ll get the same amount of candy, right?
Apparently this dude doesn’t get out much, seeing as how he decided to make his own crappy version and reak havoc on Japan by tickling his victims to death and running amok with all the yen he saved.
Look at him living it up…
“Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun!”
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