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Do You Like The Human Centipede AND Dessert? Then This is The Blog For You!
By Andrew Blumetti
“Yes! I finally made it into this stupid blog!”
Four fantastic days into crisp October, and I hope your horror movie marathons are up and running just like they are over here.
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Scary movies are an odd sort. Most are written off by critics as nothing more than shock-value rubbish. There are a few of course, that cross that plateau into the land of cinematic legends. Psycho, Alien, Night of the Living Dead, The Silence of the Lambs, and The Shining are all examples of that perfect combination of terror, shock, thrills, chills, and the rarest of them all- near universal critical acclaim.
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This is not about those.
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2010’s Dutch horror sleeper, The Human Centipede (First Sequence), squirmed its way into worldwide cult infamy in all its shining mouth-to-bum glory.
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Delivered to us by writer/director Tom Six, and dubbed, “100% Medically Accurate”, The Human Centipede introduces us to a consistently non-smiling psychotic German surgeon who drugs and traps two vacationing American girls, (who are pretty dumb, even by horror movie standards) and an unlucky Japanese man in his giant, creepy German surgeon home, complete with a convenient giant, creepy German operating room in the giant, creepy German basement.
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It’s no-holds-barred as he proceeds to play out his twisted desire to surgically attach them in the most uncomfortable of positions, via one joined digestive track to create what he titles, “The Human Centipede”, connecting all three of them, you guessed it– mouth-to-derrière. It’s the perfect last first date movie …well if your sweetheart works full-time at a carnival freak show, or if every other movie is out of stock at Blockbuster.
“Wait… there’s still Blockbusters around?!? I never returned my copy of Kangaroo Jack!”
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As a horror film it was crude, vile, slightly brilliant, and mildly offensive to centipedes. Not to mention, the trailer, with its deletions and re-additions, has pulled in nearly a combined 25 million views on YouTube. Good job you sickies…
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Not one to rest on his stomach-turning laurels, Six revisited the Centipede world, with your mom’s favorite film of 2011, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence). Originally banned in the UK, Australia and New Zealand upon release, this film, now deemed, “100% Medically Inaccurate”, was a revolting black-and-white tour de force of depravity, twisted humor, blood and guts, and the crème de la crème– a centipede one dozen people long. That’s like the entire Brady Bunch family, Alice, Sam the Butcher, AND it still leaves room for two more. Let’s not mince words, that’s a lot of rectal surgery. In Six’s irony-free words, the grotesque sequel was created to make the first film “feel like My Little Pony” in comparison.
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I don’t know what he’s getting at, this Centipony was SIXTEEN ponies long!
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And because all good things come in threes, 2014 will bring us the long-awaited final piece of the detestable trilogy, The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence), set in a prison, featuring a rumored FIVE HUNDRED PERSON centipede and most horrifyingly of all, starring Eric Roberts. In an interview with DreadCentral.com, Six gleefully promises the repugnant finale, will “make the last one look like a Disney film.” and “(is) going to upset a lot of people.”
Pluto! You’re the middle piece of the centipede! Don’t worry, you don’t talk anyway!
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Not surprisingly, you probably want to send the kids to bed early before snuggling in with your sweetheart and a freshly-popped bag of popcorn to sit down and enjoy. The audience for The Human Centipede films are mostly limited to horror hounds, gore lovers, and the kind of people who will peek under their Band-Aid to see how icky the gooey cut on their knee actually is.
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Best part is, if you can keep your lunch down while watching such wretched films, well then you’re gonna have plenty of room for delicious, sweet, sweet dessert.
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Well, unless the baker happens to be a big Centipede fan as well…
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OH FUDGE!
This brownie gem is a creation by Alice Rose Cakes & Cookies, your go-to bakery for all your messed-up surgery baked goods.
Just remember, dragging your feet on this gem will ruin your meal. Better be fast to get some, those who are late to the party end up with the red digestive track to eat.
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CRAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Hey Alex, I hate to be the one to tell you this… your friends hate you. I don’t even wanna imagine where the candles go in this thing.
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SPEND THIS CHRISTMAS WITH THE HUMAN SANTAPEDE!
Little known fact*: In the original rendition of the English Christmas carol, “The Twelve Days of Christmas”, dating back to the 18th Century, there was an extra day penned on to the end of the listed group of days, totaling the amount to its original title, “The Thirteen Days of Christmas”.
After long thought, it was felt that due to the unlucky connotation of the number 13, the day should be dropped, thinning down the song to it’s now classic 12-day roundup, full of gifts of birds and dancing ladies.
Some other historians believe the real reason the song was thinned from its original baker’s dozen was because of this line in the song:
“On the thirteenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… a gingerbread Human Centipede.”
“We can’t sing that. It’s gross.”
*This fact is total crap.
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GET READY TO TOSS YOUR COOKIES…
I bet these were a pain in the butt to make.
(RIMSHOT)
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WHAT A HALF-BAKED IDEA
Upon first glance, you may think these graphic cookies look trashy, but please note the curled-ribbon in the corner. That makes them fancy. Like the kind of Centipede cookies the Queen would nosh on.
“My dear… I wonder what it would be like to be the front piece??”
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I’D RATHER BE MUGGED…
You’d be surprised how fast Starbucks ran out of these collector’s mugs. Don’t be shocked when your coffee tastes like crap though.
“Mary?!? Here’s your tall Carmel Macchiato, extra vanilla, extra steamed milk, served in a mouth-to-butt surgery mug.”
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THIS JUST TAKES THE CAKE!
Straight from the Cake Boss‘s ovens to your taste buds, this cake will make your sweet sixteen even sweeter.
Games to play at this birthday party:
- “Pin the Tail on the Person You’re Surgically Attached To”
- “Awkward Musical Chairs”
- “The Human Centipiñata“
- “Barfo Polo”
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MEET YOUR NEW FAVORITE GIRL SCOUT COOKIE…
Quick! Do the humane thing and put the sad middle and end pieces of this cookiepede out of their misery.
“Five dollars?!? When I was a kid, Human Centipede cookies cost a nickle!”
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WELL, THIS STINKS.
To you and me, this may look like the worst cake ever made in the history of mankind, but for a better idea, let’s go to the horse’s mouth and ask Birthday Boy, Mark Mallman, what his thoughts were on this unique cake:
– “I got three bites in before I vomited. It was the best birthday ever!”
– “The wood was certainly not edible. I don’t understand why they used wood on a cake.”
– “I thought these were the Rugrats characters, thank God for the ‘Human Centipede Birthday Cake’ label on the cake to clear that up.”
– “I don’t know why my friends call me by my first AND last name.”
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WELCOME BACK HOSTESS!
Woody Harrelson’s rough-and-tough character, Tallahassee, braved a nation of flesh-craving, undead cannibals, searching for the simple spongey deliciousness of a Twinkie in the hit comedy, Zombieland.
The tragic fate of this Twinkiepede would surely have brought a tear to ‘ol Tallahassee’s eyes.
“Those poor Twinkies never hurt anyone!”
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AND NOW, HUMAN CENTIPEDE BAKING WITH MARTHA STEWART…
“Hello friends. Today, we’re going to take a page out of my new cookbook, “Heinous Baking with Martha”, creating everyone’s favorite surgically screwed-up dessert. If it’s October, then it’s time to fill your home with the sweet aroma of our Human Centipede cupcakes.
– First, make sure you iron your cloth napkins. A Human Centipede cupcake on a wrinkled napkin just won’t do. Don’t forget to polish your silverware as well, if you can see your reflection in it, your guests can see their smile as well.
– A lit candle with the wafting smell of cinnamon will fill your home with an autumnal aroma, a treat for your guests.
– Now, we’re going to use a fresh-made buttercream for our Centipede heads. My secret? Just a pinch of almond extract will make your mouth-to-tush baked treats the ones all the Trick-or-Treaters want to bite into this All Hallows’ Eve.
– Soft Red vine licorice will supply the touching look of dread we’re looking to place on these cupcakes.
– Now, we can’t forget the delicious shared digestive-track, can we? A simple line of licorice straight through the cake of all three will do the trick.
– Place your disgusting doomed treats on a hand-cut ornamental doily, and your ghoulish guests will be smiling all through the night.
Join me next time, as we make my famous fruity Evil Dead blood punch with a garnish of fresh-picked celery stalks. “
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Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Food, Halloween, Humor, Movies, Pop Culture
Hey, This Looks Gross. (The Ice Cream Edition)
By Andrew Blumetti
Crap news everyone: summer’s pretty much kaput.
Nearly a week into September and as the calendar inches closer and closer to greet autumn, the telltale signs of the season around us are awfully difficult to miss.
The glowing evening sun drops a bit earlier now into the snowcone-colored horizon, the sound of giggling children running around under a sprinker in the warm afternoon heat is absent, the once brightly-blooming red and pink flowers have become less thirsty, the whistle blow is about to kick off the new football season, and spooky Halloween costumes and decorations have started to fill the aisles of the local Party City.
In no time, we’ll be pouring glasses of tangy apple cider, raking crunchy leaves, and carving scary faces into big bumpy pumpkins.
Ready or not, we’re on a head-on collision with fall.
Another all-too obvious sign– the nighttime mercury is slowly dipping lower and lower as the days pass. Granted, it’s not quite chilly enough yet for the polar bears to come around to raise their frosty paw to greet you hello, but a cool smack in the face when you’re used to mild temperatures and air conditioning for the past four months.
There’s still time to enjoy some warm afternoons, but caution you jacket-wearing haters, it’s a warning sign; a realization for all of us to take that last gulp of a dwindling summer, because it’s going to be totally gone before we have time to blink. Before you know it, the Jets will be 0-6, it’ll be dark at 5pm, and Jenny McCarthy will be a daily fixture on The View. Better pop the top down on that convertible and enjoy the breeze, blast some Beach Boys, enjoy wearing shorts, and enjoy one more delicious summer ice cream cone while you still can.
Just tread carefully– As the warmth dies down and the frozen treat business begins to hit the autumnal breaks, the ice cream parlors may have a slightly weaker selection than we were used to back in the balmy summer months.
Be prepared like a boy scout, and have a backup flavor on hand, cause if you get to that counter, taste buds all ready and mouth salivating, just to find out strawberry’s done for the season, you may be stuck with one of these disgusting dairy disasters:
(For part one of the “Hey, This Looks Gross.” series, “The Gummy Edition”, click here.)
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LOBSTER ICE CREAM
Yuck Factor: 5
Why’s it So Gross?: In the crustacean world, this pinchy red fella reigns supreme. He brings the “turf” in a surf and turf platter, makes for a costly dinner, and looks mighty delicious… despite his hard-to-avoid spider-ish features.
Well, at one Phoenix ice cream parlor, its “Maine” attraction is a fresh ocean-caught lobster… mixed with milk, cream and ice, and stuffed in a cone for you to suffer through for three licks, just to have an ice breaker story to use on girls at cocktail parties.
I guess it could be worse… lobster is tasty after all, but if you can’t wear a bib, what’s the point really?
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GREEN PEA ICE CREAM
Yuck Factor: 3
Why’s it So Gross?: Because you belong in soup! Or at least being hidden in some bratty kid’s napkin so his parents think he willingly eats his veggies.
Also, pay attention, because if “pea” on the sign is a typo and should’ve been spelled “pee”, you’re in for a world of disappointment… and nonstop vomiting.
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RAW HORSE FLESH ICE CREAM
Yuck Factor: 10
Why’s it So Gross?: Saddle up! This is the surefire winner at the Kent-yucky Derby…
This slop sure makes pea ice cream sound like a Heaven-sent treat, doesn’t it? I don’t know what country serves this equine mess, but the vanilla and chocolate have to be just plain terrible to have to resort to chomping on Mr. Ed for a refreshing summer treat.
Run like Secretariat in the other direction.
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“DRACULA” GARLIC ICE CREAM
Yuck Factor: 4
Why’s it So Gross?: Warning: If you’re gonna have an interview with this vampire, you may want to wear a gas mask.
Makes you wonder how bad the breath was on the cows who provided this milk. The whole Twilight vamp-trend has gotten way out of hand when we’ve stooped to this level.
Actually, putting Dracula’s name on the carton is a bit of a head-scratcher, seeing as how this is the last thing he’d want in his freezer, right? It’d go perfectly right next to a bag of Sun Chips, steaks, and the “Silver Bullet”- a can of Coors.
The big downfall to this stinky dessert is that aside from keeping vampires away, it’ll keep the ladies at an even further distance. Fangs for nothing!
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CHUNKY BACON ICE CREAM
Yuck Factor: 0
Why’s it So Gross?: I don’t know if it is actually. Bacon rarely lets you down, and despite the initial reaction to the strange taste marriage, this might boil down to some simple cardiac-nightmare food math:
bacon = delicious
ice cream = delicious
bacon ice cream = delicious
… and this timeless quote from John Travolta’s lips to your ears:
“…but bacon tastes good, pork chops taste good…”– Vincent Vega, Pulp Fiction
Pass me a spoon.
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WHALE MEAT ICE CREAM
Yuck Factor: 8
Why’s it So Gross?: Hey, Willy didn’t get freed just to end up on a cone at a Friendly’s in the Far East. This might have sold better if they used a clever name like “ShaMOO”. Ya know, a whale with a cow?
(insert elbow nudge)
Move over Fudgie the Whale.
Oh, don’t start spouting out judgment on me now.
Thank you, thank you, please tip your waitress.
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CICADA ICE CREAM
Yuck Factor: 9
Why’s it So Gross?: Look, not to be mean, but I don’t want to listen to the guy’s music, why would I want to eat his ice cream?
Wait… what’s that?
Correction: It’s just come to my attention this is actually referring to a cicada, the nasty ear-shattering humming bug with the wings the size of a coffee table, not Jon Secada, the Latin pop singer.
Hmmm, well, that really changes… well, nothing.
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SOY SAUCE ICE CREAM
Yuck Factor: 3
Why’s it So Gross?: Let’s crack open the fortune cookie– Confucius says: If the goal of your dessert is to eat it, get full, then become hungry an hour later, this is the frozen treat for you.
Eater beware- soy sauce may look like chocolate syrup, but tastes like pure concentrated salt. This stuff will have you downing water till the cows come home. And of course when the cows come home, they’ll just make more stupid soy sauce ice cream.
It’s a vicious cycle really.
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PIT VIPER SNAKE ICE CREAM
Yuck Factor: 7
Why’s it So Grossssssssss? (see what I did there?): “I’m sick of these $@#! Snakes on this $@#! plate!”
FACT: In Tokyo, nine out of ten times when someone vomits, it’s followed by, “Man, it must’ve been that snake ice cream I had earlier”.
Apparently, this is considered an aphrodisiac in Japan, but they also gave us Yankees pitcher Kei Igawa, so I don’t know what to believe anymore.
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BAY LEAF ICE CREAM
Yuck Factor: 1
Why’s it So Gross?: It’s not gross, but more deadly to be accurate. Honestly, do you really want your eventual coroner’s report to read like this?
“The deceased choked to death when their airway sealed up from a razor-sharp bay leaf that never softened. The bay leaf was inside ice cream they willingly purchased, level of sobriety being questionable at best. So it’s a safe bet the deceased was not too bright in the first place. No real loss.”
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OX TONGUE ICE CREAM
Yuck Factor: 8
Why’s it So Gross?: You know these X’s and O’s stand for anything but kisses and hugs.
Do we really need a reason why this stinks? Throw a dart, and you’ll hit either of the magic words–
1. “ox”
2. “tongue”
Because nothing screams out “refreshing treat” like another tongue touching yours. Bring the whole family!
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BREAST MILK ICE CREAM
Yuck Factor: 11, 12, 13… Don’t stop counting actually…
Why’s it So Gross?: I never thought I’d have to say these words: I’d rather eat a whole gallon of horse flesh ice cream before I touch this heinous stuff.
Some boob (huddla huddla) in London decided this was a good idea to serve, but there’s a microscopic chance this people-food doesn’t come back up and end up painting the tile floor in seconds.
I also read that Lady Gaga became angry about the name, “Baby Gaga” and considered a law suit against the makers of this scream-worthy ice cream.
Makes sense, we wouldn’t want anything weird to be associated with Lady Gaga.
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Filed under Advertising, Comedy, Entertainment, Food, Humor
Hey, This Looks Gross. (The Gummy Edition)
By Andrew Blumetti
1. Bears
2. Worms
3. Fish.
That’s the traditional gummy holy trinity, plain and simple.
Once in a blue moon, you’ll see the candy powers-that-be branch out and cook up something unique, like gummy dolphins, gummy cola bottles or a gummy De Milo (the rarest gummy of them all), but honestly, who needs all those bells and whistles? Deep down, don’t we all just wish those were bears while we’re chowing down on them?
If there’s one thing we’ve learned from life, it’s this: When something’s good and a buck’s being made, some schmuck goes too far and ruins it. That’s why we had Speed 2, the final season of Roseanne, and a Belushi brother who’s name wasn’t John.
Companies tend to overestimate how much sugary crap we will shove down our gullets and really– there’s only so far kids will go when it comes to gross candy. Check a trick-or-treater’s bag on December 1st, you’ll still see half-melted Mary Janes and awful Bit-O-Honeys decomposing at the bottom of it sticking to the side, waiting for sweet life in the garbage can.
…and if some rube decides to hand out these horrid looking things, they’ll certainly be sitting in there too.
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GUMMY BACON
Yuck Factor: 3
Why’s it So Gross?: I usually subscribe to the theory bacon makes almost all things better. Add it to a cheeseburger, eggs, or a turkey club, and it’s a crispy, artery-clogging treat.
Something about the fact that this has gummy fat on it really isn’t sweetening the deal, and it sure seems strange that pig on the box is so excited to help the pork industry.
Plus, if there’s one thing we all look for in our artificial bacon, isn’t it strawberry flavoring?
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GUMMY HEART
Yuck Factor: 5
Why’s it So Gross?: This is how Hannibal Lecter started, isn’t it?
I’m picturing the second you sink your teeth into this awful gummy organ, it must seem like an eternity to actually get through it.
Once again, strawberry’s the unlucky flavor of choice when trying to distract us from how disgusting something appears. Gritting through this wretched thing may actually be only slightly worse than eating an actual heart.
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GUMMY T-BONE STEAK
Yuck Factor: 1
Why’s it So Gross?: Don’t bother taking out the A-1 for this.
There’s very few things as enjoyable as firing up my Weber grill on an early summer evening, tossing on a mouth-watering steak, and watching the flames lick the searing meat. The smells, the flavors- it just does the Macarena on your pallet.
While this isn’t as bad as… let’s say the heart, raw-looking red meat just doesn’t seem to translate well into gummy world, and comes off as more T-bonehead than anything else.
Kudos for packaging it in a pseudo supermarket meat package though.
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GUMMY BOO-BOOS
Yuck Factor: 7
Why’s it So Gross?: A rainbow colored Band-Aid would’ve sufficed perfectly here, but, it’s the stupid realism that hurts this bandaged mess.
Maybe there’s a small market for candy with blood stains on it in some backwoods Deliverance-ish town, but I highly doubt the CEO of this mess is driving a Porsche Boxster and sending his bratty kids to Princeton on the skyrocketing sales of the bloody gummy bandage.
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GUMMY UNDIES
Yuck Factor: 10
Why’s it So Gross?: Because there’s a better chance of contracting hepatitis from this than from licking the floor of a Waffle House bathroom.
You know how a hurricane goes over a body of warm water, picks up steam and shoots up a category on the Saffir-Simpson Scale? Well, the second I realized this liver-enlarger was a thong, it was gifted with a dreaded “10” on the yuck factor.
Guys- If your girl wears these, run for the hills yesterday.
Girls- If your guy wants you to wear these, Krazy Glue his toilet seat.
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GUMMY HAGGIS
Yuck Factor: 3
Why’s it So Gross?: We Americans can tell you, the Scottish staple, haggis, is incredibly rare here.
From what I’ve gathered, you pretty much let Michael Myers go to town on a sheep or lamb, remove all the tasty innards, encase them in stomach lining, boil it all up, and the end result is a finger-lickin’ sausage.
I do love green plaid and sausage, so this butterscotch gummy equivalent, so sensitively called, “Angry Scotsman’s”, is winning me over more and more as I type. I am going to have to ask my Scottish friend Cherie, if this gummy haggis is popular on the other side of the pond, or if it’s just plain “b’aaaahhhhhhddd”. (Some terrible sheep humor)
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GUMMY “BOX OF BOOGERS”
Yuck Factor: 9
Why’s it So Gross?: With the tissue-filling tagline, “SsssNot Your Regular Gummy!” this box of corn-syrupy sophistication features “Tangy Gummy Boogies that Look & Feel Real!”. That about sums it up.
I would’ve loved to be a fly on the wall in the testing room for these sugary snot rockets. I could imagine it now:
-“Needs more lumpiness!”
-“The green ones aren’t true to life.”
-“I switched them out on my friend, and he didn’t know the difference!”
-“Really helped break the ice when I met my in-laws!”
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GUMMY RAT
Yuck Factor: 6
Why’s it So Gross?: Hey Jelly Belly, calling this thing a “pet rat” isn’t making it any more appealing and cute.
Ratatouille this is not. This nasty thing looks like a freakin’ subway rat. Vermin spread disease, eat dumpster trash, and Splinter was one of the weakest Ninja Turtles characters, let’s not reward that in candy-form.
With any luck, the black plague you get from noshing on the gummy rat will take you out before you have to finish it.
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GUMMY “BURSTING BUGS”
Yuck Factor: 2
Why’s it So Gross?: Without any concrete picture of these, jumping to conclusions on these may be a bit rash. They probably aren’t as bad as they seem, as the “bursting” quality could either be kinda awesome or horribly awful.
We’ll probably all look back with fondness when Disney Pixar releases A Gummy Bug’s Life in the summer of 2016.
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GUMMY POO
Yuck Factor: 9
Why’s it So Gross?: For once, saying something tastes like crap isn’t an insult.
I really wish I could tell what language that is, and what country that’s producing these sugary fecal globs to impressionable youths.
The smiling swirly dookie on the packaging sure seems like a happy fella, even though he’s got nothing on Mr. Hankey. Everyone I know will be finding a package of these in their stocking this Christmas.
Try to act surprised.
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GUMMY FETUS (Regular version and The Flaming Lips version)
Yuck Factor: (Regular) 4, (Flaming Lips) 8
Why’s it So Gross?: Well, the first version would be weird enough, but just close your eyes, quickly bite off the legs, and it kinda looks like a sideways gummy manatee.
As for the latter, The Flaming Lips are a critically acclaimed band, who break into dentist’s offices, suck down all the nitrus oxide, and then decide the most bizarre ways to release music to the masses. This is a 2011 three-song release of theirs on a USB drive stuck inside a yes, gummy fetus… just like the way Sinatra used to do it.
Keep in mind, once you bite into that thing, you’re the guy who bit into a fetus. You can’t undo that.
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GUMMY ZIT POPPERS
Yuck Factor: 10
Why’s it So Gross?: If you ever wondered what the greasy teenage cashier’s face at the supermarket tastes like, wonder no longer.
On the plus side, it leaves a void for someone to create gummy Clearasil. Million dollar idea!
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Filed under Advertising, Comedy, Food, Humor
A Blumes With a View 