The Pringles Logo and the Monopoly Guy…Separated at Birth?

By Andrew Blumetti

Tom Selleck.  Super Mario.  Rollie Fingers.  Ron Swanson.

Just a sampling of some of the most killer mustaches of our generation.  Who doesn’t love an impressive growth of whiskers smack on the upper lip?  Whether it’s a sinister handlebarred villain tying a doomed damsel to the train tracks, or a lanky 1970’s pitcher spitting out his chew on the mound, the hairy gamut is fully covered.

Oddly enough, two well-known soup strainers are continually criminally overlooked on our favorite ‘stache list… but why?  What’s being covered up in Mascot Land?

In the biggest conspiracy theory since the Kennedy assassination, I plan to unearth the mysterious truth of two beloved logos:  The Pringles face and the old Monopoly mascot.  Eat your hearts out Mulder and Scully…

But before this gets hairy, let’s look a little bit closer at the backs of the baseball cards of these two fellas:

Full Name:  Julius Pringles

Business:  The lucrative potato chip game

First Appearance:  1968

Favorite Saying:  “Once you pop, you can’t stop”

Net Worth:  $1 billion per year

Full Name:  Milburn “Uncle” Pennybags, AKA “Mr. Monopoly”

Business:  Worldwide-known board game icon

First Appearance:  1936

Favorite Saying: “Get out of jail, free”

Net Worth:  $7.1 billion

Can’t deny it, the similarities are striking.  Both are billionaires with bushy mustaches, seldom-scene mouths, expressive eyebrows and eyes as black as Darth Vader’s soul. When you get to the bottom of it, what is it with these two that the public has been missing over the past 43 years?  Are they just one character?  Long lost twins?  An eerie kowinkedink?

Well, I’ll give you a minute to get your bookies on the phone, cause like a Kentucky Derby pre-race special, we’re gonna break down our odds here…

Are they just the same person?:  Pennybags ditches that out-of-style top hat, throws on a cheap toupee, and buys some brown hair dye, and BAM!, we’ve got ourselves a secret identity that even Bruce Wayne would envy.  On the other hand, it would seem unnecessary and strange that Uncle Pennybags, a man with a money bin larger than Scrooge McDuck’s, would need to add on a second job in the often-turbulent snack food world.  Odds:  3:1

Separated at birth?:  Well, sure, it’s a valid idea, but the biggest flaw in this reasoning lies in their ages and appearances.  Much like any young attractive Hollywood starlet who dates Wilmer Valderrama, something just doesn’t add up here.  Pringles has a relatively more youthful look that would land him the job of a burnout roadie for Steppenwolf if he’d ever take a minute to get off that tennis ball can.  Mr. Monopoly, on the other hand, looks like a crotchety, rich old man sitting in a lifeboat, watching the poor immigrants slowly sink on the Titanic.  Odds:  9:1

Just a big coincidence?:  In theory, this bland one seems to be the most likely.  It’s not hard to swallow the idea that two big companies just chose similar-looking ‘stachy mascots for their products.  But where’s the fun in that?  C’mon people, live a little.  Odds:  12:1

They are actually both Wilfred Brimley?:  Well, if you’re like me, you’re always a sucker for a dark horse.  This one is like picking the Pittsburgh Pirates back in April to win the World Series this October.   When Halloween rolls around, it’s looking pretty good you’re going to be happy as a clam that you made that bet.  Now, I don’t know much about diabetes, but I think Pringles are safe, and that curmudgeon Brimley would be sitting there getting the last laugh when all that lucrative oat money runs out.  Here’s your golden longshot folks.  Odds:  50:1

So, where does that bring us?  I guess ultimately, we will never know.  It seems more likely we will find out who shot Nice Guy Eddie in Reservoir Dogs before we settle this mettlesome mustachioed mascot mystery.  (For the record, I still think it was the ghost of freshly one-eared dead cop who shot him, but that’s just a stab in the dark.)

Perhaps deep down, that’s the fun of it.  Maybe the next time you’re in the middle of “not stopping” once you’ve popped, or forking hundreds of pastel play dollars over for landing on Park Place, you can throw your own theory into the logo ring too.

Now, I’ve gotta go trademark this whole thing, before sweaty Michael Moore makes a sweaty movie out of it.

The Top Mop-Top Flops on The Boob Tube

By Andrew Blumetti

Remember Dutch Boy Paint?  Travel down any hardware store aisle, and that lovable lil’ scamp with the rosy cheeks and sunshine-colored locks will be smiling right back at you, dripping yellow paintbrush in hand, begging for a home on your living room walls.

For a company actually based out of Ohio, that’s a pretty adorable idea, and boy howdy, it sold buckets of the stuff.  One couldn’t be blamed to think it would make sense that the same look would translate well in other areas of marketing, right?  Throw some shaggy blonde hair on a chihuahua and maybe that bilingual Taco Bell dog would still be around.  Maybe the GEICO cavemen would’ve been easier to stomach if they popped a little peroxide on that noggin.

Surprisingly enough, Tinsletown never felt the same way.  Case in point:  the 20th Century epidemic of irrelevant WASP-y sitcom children who forgettably graced our television sets.

Follow the yellow-haired road:

1. Jonathan Bower (Who’s The Boss?) played by Danny Pintauro

According to IMDB, he was on all 196 episodes of the series, and I can’t remember anything significant he did in any of them.  That Danza was really an attention hog, wasn’t he?

Honestly it’s more shocking that show ran that long.  To think we watched Mona decompose for eight seasons is borderline terrifying.

2. Andrew “Andy” Keaton (Family Ties) played by Brian Bonsall

Now, there’s clearly some bias here, seeing as how the character and I share the same first name.  Despite that, this impish pre-turd loses major points for trying to steal the irrelevant thunder from Nick and Skippy, two already established characters who proudly claimed that throne for years before this punk came around.  Respect your elders Andy.

For more recent news on Bonsall, check your local police blotter, as the now throat-tattooed former child actor was arrested for attacking a friend with a wooden stool.  You can bet Skippy is faring much better.

3. Mark Taylor (Home Improvement) played by Taran Noah Smith

Remember when Mark Taylor broke Tim’s wrench?  Or when he was tricked to think he was adopted?  Or the time he went to the mall, went on a Hot Topic shopping spree, bought some guyliner and turned all goth on us?

Nope?  Me neither.  Because there were already two other floppy spaghetti-haired runts on the show already.  The quota was already reached, and Mark ended up being the biggest tool on the show.

4. Seven (Married… with Children) played by Shane Sweet

A classic case of subtraction by addition.  A hated character who the writers at least had the brains to quickly write off the show…  and leave us with more air time for shim neighbor Marcy, who would’ve turned full-on into a man, had the show ran a couple more seasons.  The actual film, Seven, didn’t have that ugly of an ending.

5. Ben Seaver (Growing Pains) played by Jeremy Miller

See:  #1.

6. Nicky and Alex Katsopolis (Full House) played by Dylan and Blake Tuomy-Wilhoit

When you’re on a show with Dave Coulier and you’re still the most annoying blonde, you’re doing something wrong.  Cut. It. Out!

It seems odd that two parents, neither of whom were blonde, gave birth to these two hay-haired Hitler-youths.  Come to think of it, there was only one cute blonde on this show, and it was Comet, the golden retriever.  Between you and me, I bet Blake was the primadonna of the two.

7. Cousin Oliver (The Brady Bunch) played by Robbie Rist

One of the quintessential examples of shark jumping… literally.  Cousin Oliver (The Brady Bunch’s unwanted answer to The Partridge Family’s already unwanted Ricky) was another child in a show filled with already too many children.  His look-  a dwarfy John Denver with serial killer potential who probably smelled like corn chips, never resonated with American viewing audiences.

Clearly, you gotta earn your way into those nine squares.

8. Elroy Jetson (The Jetsons)

Confession time.  I actually can’t say I’ve ever watched an episode of the futuristic family spacecom, The Jetsons, so it may not be fair for me to pick on this animated little extra-terrestrial ragamuffin who dresses like he’s sporting a Oktoberfest costume from the Party City bargain bin.

On the other hand, this kid has those evil squirrel eyes  …and he looks like he’s from Switzerland  …and why he wears a wrist watch in space is beyond me.

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