Tag Archives: Halloween

Horror Villains Celebrate Halloween!

Illustrated by Andrew Blumetti

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Because hey, they have to celebrate too. 

Happy Halloween you lovable psychos.  Please share some of your Milk Duds with me.

Love,

Andrew 

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JASON VOORHEES (Friday the 13th) as A BUMBLE BEE

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MICHAEL MYERS (Halloween) as SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS

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FRANKENSTEIN as AN ANGRY BIRD

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LEATHERFACE (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) as TOM CRUISE IN RISKY BUSINESS

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PINHEAD (Hellraiser) as ROBIN HOOD

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THE BLOB as SLASH

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GHOSTFACE (Scream) as MIKE DITKA

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REGAN (The Exorcist) as SNOOKI

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THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT STICK FIGURE as DWIGHT SCHRUTE

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FREDDY KRUEGER (A Nightmare on Elm Street) as STEVE URKEL

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CHUCKY (Child’s Play) as A PACK OF SKITTLES

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Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Halloween, Humor, Movies, Pop Culture, Retro

Do You Like The Human Centipede AND Dessert? Then This is The Blog For You!

By Andrew Blumetti

“Yes! I finally made it into this stupid blog!”

Four fantastic days into crisp October, and I hope your horror movie marathons are up and running just like they are over here.
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Scary movies are an odd sort.  Most are written off by critics as nothing more than shock-value rubbish.  There are a few of course, that cross that plateau into the land of cinematic legends.  Psycho, AlienNight of the Living DeadThe Silence of the Lambs, and The Shining are all examples of that perfect combination of terror, shock, thrills, chills, and the rarest of them all- near universal critical acclaim.
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This is not about those. 
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2010’s Dutch horror sleeper, The Human Centipede (First Sequence), squirmed its way into worldwide cult infamy in all its shining mouth-to-bum glory.
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Delivered to us by writer/director Tom Six, and dubbed, “100% Medically Accurate”, The Human Centipede introduces us to a consistently non-smiling psychotic German surgeon who drugs and traps two vacationing American girls, (who are pretty dumb, even by horror movie standards) and an unlucky Japanese man in his giant, creepy German surgeon home, complete with a convenient giant, creepy German operating room in the giant, creepy German basement.

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It’s no-holds-barred as he proceeds to play out his twisted desire to surgically attach them in the most uncomfortable of positions, via one joined digestive track to create what he titles, “The Human Centipede”, connecting all three of them, you guessed it–  mouth-to-derrière.  It’s the perfect last first date movie …well if your sweetheart works full-time at a carnival freak show, or if every other movie is out of stock at Blockbuster.


blog centipede

“Wait… there’s still Blockbusters around?!?  I never returned my copy of Kangaroo Jack!”

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As a horror film it was crude, vile, slightly brilliant, and mildly offensive to centipedes.  Not to mention, the trailer, with its deletions and re-additions, has pulled in nearly a combined 25 million views on YouTube.  Good job you sickies…

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Not one to rest on his stomach-turning laurels, Six revisited the Centipede world, with your mom’s favorite film of 2011, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence).  Originally banned in the UK, Australia and New Zealand upon release, this film, now deemed, “100% Medically Inaccurate”, was a revolting black-and-white tour de force of depravity, twisted humor, blood and guts, and the crème de la crème– a centipede one dozen people long.  That’s like the entire Brady Bunch family, Alice, Sam the Butcher, AND it still leaves room for two more.   Let’s not mince words, that’s a lot of rectal surgery.   In Six’s irony-free words, the grotesque sequel was created to make the first film “feel like My Little Pony” in comparison.

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I don’t know what he’s getting at, this Centipony was SIXTEEN ponies long!

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And because all good things come in threes, 2014 will bring us the long-awaited final piece of the detestable trilogy, The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence), set in a prison, featuring a rumored FIVE HUNDRED PERSON centipede and most horrifyingly of all, starring Eric Roberts.  In an interview with DreadCentral.com, Six gleefully promises the repugnant finale, will “make the last one look like a Disney film.” and “(is) going to upset a lot of people.”


blog pluto

Pluto!  You’re the middle piece of the centipede!  Don’t worry, you don’t talk anyway!

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Not surprisingly, you probably want to send the kids to bed early before snuggling in with your sweetheart and a freshly-popped bag of popcorn to sit down and enjoy.  The audience for The Human Centipede films are mostly limited to horror hounds, gore lovers, and the kind of people who will peek under their Band-Aid to see how icky the gooey cut on their knee actually is.

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Best part is, if you can keep your lunch down while watching such wretched films, well then you’re gonna have plenty of room for delicious, sweet, sweet dessert.

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Well, unless the baker happens to be a big Centipede fan as well…

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OH FUDGE!

This brownie gem is a creation by Alice Rose Cakes & Cookies, your go-to bakery for all your messed-up surgery baked goods.

Just remember, dragging your feet on this gem will ruin your meal.  Better be fast to get some, those who are late to the party end up with the red digestive track to eat.

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CRAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Hey Alex, I hate to be the one to tell you this… your friends hate you.  I don’t even wanna imagine where the candles go in this thing.

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SPEND THIS CHRISTMAS WITH THE HUMAN SANTAPEDE!

Little known fact* In the original rendition of the English Christmas carol, “The Twelve Days of Christmas”, dating back to the 18th Century, there was an extra day penned on to the end of the listed group of days, totaling the amount to its original title, “The Thirteen Days of Christmas”.

After long thought, it was felt that due to the unlucky connotation of the number 13, the day should be dropped, thinning down the song to it’s now classic 12-day roundup, full of gifts of birds and dancing ladies.

Some other historians believe the real reason the song was thinned from its original baker’s dozen was because of this line in the song:

“On the thirteenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…  a gingerbread Human Centipede.”

“We can’t sing that. It’s gross.”

*This fact is total crap.

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GET READY TO TOSS YOUR COOKIES…

I bet these were a pain in the butt to make.

 

(RIMSHOT)

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WHAT A HALF-BAKED IDEA

 

Upon first glance, you may think these graphic cookies look trashy, but please note the curled-ribbon in the corner.  That makes them fancy.  Like the kind of Centipede cookies the Queen would nosh on.

 

blog queen

“My dear… I wonder what it would be like to be the front piece??”

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I’D RATHER BE MUGGED…

You’d be surprised how fast Starbucks ran out of these collector’s mugs.  Don’t be shocked when your coffee tastes like crap though.

“Mary?!? Here’s your tall Carmel Macchiato, extra vanilla, extra steamed milk, served in a mouth-to-butt surgery mug.”

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THIS JUST TAKES THE CAKE!

Straight from the Cake Boss‘s ovens to your taste buds, this cake will make your sweet sixteen even sweeter.

Games to play at this birthday party:

  • “Pin the Tail on the Person You’re Surgically Attached To”
  • “Awkward Musical Chairs”
  • “The Human Centipiñata
  • “Barfo Polo”

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MEET YOUR NEW FAVORITE GIRL SCOUT COOKIE…

 

Quick!  Do the humane thing and put the sad middle and end pieces of this cookiepede out of their misery.

blog cookies

“Five dollars?!?  When I was a kid, Human Centipede cookies cost a nickle!”

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WELL, THIS STINKS.


To you and me, this may look like the worst cake ever made in the history of mankind, but for a better idea, let’s go to the horse’s mouth and ask Birthday Boy, Mark Mallman, what his thoughts were on this unique cake:

– “I got three bites in before I vomited.  It was the best birthday ever!”

– “The wood was certainly not edible.  I don’t understand why they used wood on a cake.”

– “I thought these were the Rugrats characters, thank God for the ‘Human Centipede Birthday Cake’ label on the cake to clear that up.” 

– “I don’t know why my friends call me by my first AND last name.” 


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WELCOME BACK HOSTESS!

Woody Harrelson’s rough-and-tough character, Tallahassee, braved a nation of flesh-craving, undead cannibals, searching for the simple spongey deliciousness of a Twinkie in the hit comedy, Zombieland.

The tragic fate of this Twinkiepede would surely have brought a tear to ‘ol Tallahassee’s eyes.

“Those poor Twinkies never hurt anyone!”

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AND NOW, HUMAN CENTIPEDE BAKING WITH MARTHA STEWART…

“Hello friends.  Today, we’re going to take a page out of my new cookbook, “Heinous Baking with Martha”, creating everyone’s favorite surgically screwed-up dessert.  If it’s October, then it’s time to fill your home with the sweet aroma of our Human Centipede cupcakes. 

– First, make sure you iron your cloth napkins.  A Human Centipede cupcake on a wrinkled napkin just won’t do.  Don’t forget to polish your silverware as well, if you can see your reflection in it, your guests can see their smile as well.

– A lit candle with the wafting smell of cinnamon will fill your home with an autumnal aroma, a treat for your guests.

Now, we’re going to use a fresh-made buttercream for our Centipede heads.   My secret?  Just a pinch of almond extract will make your mouth-to-tush baked treats the ones all the Trick-or-Treaters want to bite into this All Hallows’ Eve.

Soft Red vine licorice will supply the touching look of dread we’re looking to place on these cupcakes. 

Now, we can’t forget the delicious shared digestive-track, can we?   A simple line of licorice straight through the cake of all three will do the trick.

Place your disgusting doomed treats on a hand-cut ornamental doily, and your ghoulish guests will be smiling all through the night. 

 

Join me next time, as we make my famous fruity Evil Dead blood punch with a garnish of fresh-picked celery stalks.

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Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Food, Halloween, Humor, Movies, Pop Culture

13 Unscary Horror Movie Costumes (BOOOOO!)

By Andrew Blumetti

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Happy October everyone!

Bust out the crispy apples to bob, the bumpy pumpkins to carve, and the scary black cats to avoid.  It’s finally the spookiest time of the year, and I couldn’t be happier.  To celebrate, this post will begin a month’s worth of Halloween-centric topics.  From goofy costumes to Trick or Treating to horror movies, all writing/art during October will be a Halloween celebration.  Hope you enjoy!

Best witches,

-Andrew

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“I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.” 

– L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

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Now, if your tenth month of the year is anything like mine, your DVD player will be working overtime, playing every scary movie ever made all Halloween season long to put you in that perfect chilling mood.  (It’ll also be filled with purchasing bags of candy for trick-or-treaters way too early, and snacking on them all month long instead, but that’s really a story for another time.)

Seriously, these things won’t make it past October 2nd.

See the sun dropping earlier?  The air is getting chilly and you’re quick to break those hooded sweatshirts out of their long slumber, the only way to celebrate is to get the blood pumping by crankin’ up the terror.

It’s perfect time to throw on some comfy slippers, kick back with a warm cup of apple cider and watch Jason slash up some ill-fated teenage campers, hordes of mindless zombies descend upon the ramshackle house in Night of the Living Dead, and Leatherface rev up that grimy, rusty chainsaw to really ruin someone’s afternoon.

Horror movies and Halloween season go hand-in-hand in the most fun way possible.  It’s that eerie time of year we’re slightly more apprehensive to shut the lights in the kitchen or we may drive a little faster when we pass a cemetery at night.  For these 31 days, don’t imagine trying to walk in the dark without looking over your shoulder, even for just a split second.   You know, every creak, every squeak, every sound could be terror right around the corner, waiting to take you down.

Of corpse course, those same beloved horror anti-heros are a cash cow for the Halloween costume-business as well.

Let’s investigate further.  In 2013, when it comes to adult Halloween costumes, there’s basically four major categories to pick from:

1. Superhero (examples:  Batman, Superman, Spiderman, etc…)

Wow, they Photoshopped a girl in there pretty seamlessly, didn’t they?

2. Guy Who Makes a Giant Cardboard Facebook Profile Around His Head

Fact: Mark Zuckerberg gets a dollar every time you wear one of these.

3. Trashy ANYTHING (girls freezing their tails off to thoroughly skank up any costume or character available)

“Halloween, just the way your grandparents spent it.”

4. Scary (examples:  vampire, zombie, witches, monsters, horror movie characters, etc…)

BRAAAAAINS!!! (Hey zombies, don’t go to the trashy costume picture for those.)

(Blumes note:  Miley Cyrus costumes can count as numbers 3 AND 4)

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And category four is where we’re focusing today (I know, I know, we were all hoping for trashy ones, I kinda was too).

When pulled-off correctly, seeing our most feared and terrifying wet-your-pants-in-fear villains, ghouls, and goblins come to life, it can be a horrifying treat to experience.

Or… how when those same ghastly villains costumes aren’t pulled off correctly,  it’s well… cringeworthy comedy at its finest.

Lock the doors, turn on the lights, and get your best scream ready, cause it’s the Halloworst!

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CRAP COSTUME #1

Who’s that mess?Jason Voorhees

FilmFriday the 13th

Estimated costume cost$2.00

But he should look like: 

And you wondered why the attendance at the Florida Panthers game is so low?

But why’s it a train wreck?True, true, the weaker Friday… films did feature lumbering camper-killer, Jason, with a smart, Supercuts-esque, well-quaffed, white guy-hairdo, complete with a red Aeropostale t-shirt, but c’mon fella, you look more like Jason Bateman than Jason Voorhees in that craptacular costume.

He should actually be careful, that mask is so cheap, it’s likely those air holes are just painted on.

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Hey kid,

Thanks for making me look less stupid.

Love,

Jason X

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CRAP COSTUME #2

Who’s that mess?Carrie White … I think

FilmCarrie

Estimated costume cost$5.95

But she should look like: 

“Don’t you people think? All the fries will be ketchup-less now!”

But why’s it a train wreck?:  One time, many many long times ago, I felt my throat getting dryer than Harrison Ford on a talk show interview.  Yes, friends, it was that classic instinct- thirst.

Of course as fate would have it, all that was around was a bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red.  Sure, there’s questionable red dyes in it, but brotha, beggars can’t be choosers.  When you gotta quench, you gotta quench.

As I went to grab it, ‘ol butterfingers that I am, I dropped it like a total glom.  Shaken Mountain Dew isn’t safe by any means, but the intense thirst was winning, and I needed relief right then.

So, I turned the cap and BAM!!!   The sticky corn syrupy-soda exploded all over me, and I was covered in an embarassing red.

Bottom line of my story?  I looked more like Carrie than this girl does.


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CRAP COSTUME #3

Who’s that mess? Hannibal Lecter

Film:  The Silence of the Lambs

Estimated costume cost$6.00

But he should look like:  

If you think this is scary, you should’ve seen me in Freejack!

But why’s it a train wreck?Well, for starters, you couldn’t have a less intimidating kid playing Hannibal the Cannibal.  He’ll only get to trick or treat if he can unstuff himself from his high-school locker and get out before dark.

Lucky for him, I’m a “glass is half full” kind of guy.  On the plus side, when November 1st comes around, this goober can cut the bars off and make this thing into the beard he’ll never be able to grow.

That’s right, win/win buddy!  Blumes is lookin’ out for ya!

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CRAP COSTUME #4

Who’s that mess?Captain Spaulding

FilmHouse of 1000 Corpses/The Devil’s Rejects

Estimated costume cost$3.00

But he should look like: 

“Wait, they’re using pretzel buns on burgers now?!?”

But why’s it a train wreck?:   Well, frankly, he’s sassy.  Like “jazz hands” kind of sassy.  That’s never a good look, especially for a dirty, scummy, merciless murdering clown.

Plus the painted-on facial hair, wacky uneven eyebrows and constipated face just come off as scary, but in all the wrong ways.

You gotta remember Flamboyant Spaulding, bran flakes are your friend in a time like this.  How do you think Freddy Krueger stays so regular?

“Two bowls of Raisin Bran a day, and I’m good to go!”

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CRAP COSTUME #5

Who’s that mess?Michael Myers

FilmHalloween

Estimated costume cost:  $3.99

But he should look like: 

“You can’t trick me. I saw Home Alone, I’m not falling for that paint can on the stairs trap.”

But why’s it a train wreck?With all that time spent murdering people, how’s soft-rock Myers gonna keep his place playing bass for Michael Bolton’s backing band?

That’s a Michael Myers spread way too thin.

To Michael Myers: “How am I supposed to live without you?”

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CRAP COSTUME #6

Who’s that mess?Freddy Krueger

FilmA Nightmare on Elm Street

Estimated costume cost-$0.02 (for stolen plastic utensil)

But he should look like: 

Freddy during Madonna’s “Vogue” craze. With those fingers, that was a painful time.

But why’s it a train wreck?♪  “One, two, Freddy’s gonna eat stew”  ♪

Don’t fall asleep… at lunch?  Because Freddy’s back, working at a mid-range IT firm to haunt your dreams, torment your innocent soul, and mercilessly plastic spork your sad-self into a bloody pulp.

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CRAP COSTUME #7

Who’s that mess?Billy the Puppet

FilmSaw

Estimated costume cost:  $12.50 (I didn’t charge for shoes)

But he should look like: 

“Maybe people would treat me with more respect if I went by ‘William the Puppet’. Sigh. “

But why’s it a train wreck?It’s not really a bad costume per say, the effort is surely there.  I just can’t get past the fact this adult on a tricycle spent his hard-earned dinero on a crappy magician’s tuxedo, Saw mask, and a shiny new bike, but decided that’s where the purse-strings closed, and usually-valuable shoes would have to suffer.

“Fred Flintstone-ing” your costume when it’s not required is a classic Halloween faux pas, and isn’t going to win you friends anytime soon.

Seriously–  try being at the party, talking to this creepy schlub with his grody, grungy feet sticking out within a five-foot radius of the dip, and tell me you’re not gonna lose your appetite and head for the nearest exit.

Also, this Billy mask features the hair of Roseanne Barr back during Roseanne Barr’s awful hairdo period.

https://i0.wp.com/blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs/lookalikeroseanne16496roseanne.jpg

YIKES!

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CRAP COSTUME #8

Who’s that mess?Chucky

FilmChild’s Play

Estimated costume cost$4.99

But he should look like: 

Chucky: Still less scary than Carrot Top… and less painful.

But why’s it a train wreck?Procrastination never pays kids.

This is what happens when you wait till Halloween afternoon to buy your costume… at the dollar store.  And not even the good dollar store that sells Twix at two for a buck, it’s the one where you need to cry in the shower like Glenn Close in The Big Chill when you get home.

“Everything there was off-brand! What’s a Twankie?!?”

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CRAP COSTUME #9

Who’s That Mess?Micah Sloat and Katie Featherston

FilmParanormal Activity

Estimated costume cost$0.00.   Literally zero.

But they should look like: 

“Seriously kids, you literally had to dress up like white people. How’d you screw that up?”

But why’s it a train wreck?:  How could you not be a fan of the 2009 found-footage demon fest, Paranormal Activity?   Created on the budget of two iced frappes at Starbucks, its Hitchcockian-attack on the senses of “less is more” was a refreshing minimalist change from the gorefests that seem to overtake modern horror.

As for this low-grade attempt at the main character’s costumes, obviously these two derelicts just wore their Kool Aid-stained pajamas to a party.  In fact, I doubt if they even knew there was a costume party.  This was just a result of a sloppy lunch.   Or more likely, lunches.  

(Also note:  This girl is barefooting it.  It may be accurate, but still a major no-no.)

(Also note, part 2:  Check out that “mummy” sitting on the couch behind them.  That party has no standards whatsoever.  Can you imagine the chips they bought?)

“Is that those kids in the costume?!? Oh no, it’s a demon. Phew.”

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CRAP COSTUME #10

Who’s That Mess?Pennywise the Clown

FilmStephen King’s It

Estimated costume cost$6.50

But he should look like: 

“I’m smiling because my landscaping business is taking off so well.”

But why’s it a train wreck?Ask anyone who suffers from coulrophobia (fear of clowns), and many are certain to pinpoint their petrifying fear back to this devilish creature from one of Stephen King’s most famous works.  His eyes turn a terrifying yellow, he has razor-sharp fangs, and he yanks little boys to their untimely bloody deaths in the rain-drenched sewer like Dr. Smith in Lost in Space.

Well, show them this clown college reject, and their nose-honking, balloon-animal fear will go away faster than this clown’s self esteem did, apparent by his “I lost ALL of my money betting on the Giants game last week!” face. 

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CRAP COSTUME #11

Who’s that mess?Shaun Riley

FilmShaun of the Dead

Estimated costume cost$1.05 (for name tag)

But he should look like: 

“C’mon! This is NOTHING like the Thriller video!”

But why’s it a train wreck?From the neck-down, it’s actually not.

True, zombie-killer/slacker Shaun’s costume isn’t much more than a bloody white shirt and tie with an added bloody cricket bat, but the fact this guy looks like a Slayer roadie is really ruining the overall look.

and think of the fallout at the next Slayer concert…

Slayer:  Hey, this guitar string broke mid-song, get a replacement, quick!

(silence)

Slayer:  Geez, what’s taking so long?!?

Tour manager:  Your roadie is trick or treating.  We’ll have to cancel the concert.

Crowd:  BOOOOOOOOO!

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CRAP COSTUME #12

Who’s that mess?Regan MacNeil

FilmThe Exorcist

Estimated costume cost$1.00

But she should look like: 

“Fellas, I’m on Plenty of Fish… and available!”

But why’s it a train wreck?:  Somehow this girl managed to get out of bed, look like a total disaster, and still mess up the intended “get out of bed and look like a disaster” look that demonized youth, Regan has to endure in the horror classic, The Exorcist.  

And now, for your reading enjoyment, I was able to score an exclusive interview with Regan herself to get her opinion on this controversial costume issue:

Blumes:  Regan, can you please give me your feelings on this girl’s lame wannabe demon getup of you?

Regan:  

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CRAP COSTUME #13

Who’s that mess?Ghostface

FilmScream

Estimated costume cost$0.50

But he should look like: 

“I will finally get my revenge on Gordon Ramsay for kicking me off the show!”

But why’s it a train wreck?Go into any Walgreens or CVS store this time of year, and you’ll see a ton of these now classic Scream masks taking up residence on the shelf, and their prime selling point?  Most of them won’t break your bank in the least.

Yes, it’s a cheap costume that’ll give you little hat-hair, and hey, you’ll get the same amount of candy, right?

Apparently this  dude doesn’t get out much, seeing as how he decided to make his own crappy version and reak havoc on Japan by tickling his victims to death and running amok with all the yen he saved.

Look at him living it up…

“Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun!”

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Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Halloween, Humor, Movies, Pop Culture, Retro

Three Scare Meals a Day: Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Count Chocula, Boo Berry, and Frankenberry

By Andrew Blumetti

As the once fresh-green leaves begin their inevitable journey to crunchy Orangeland and Yellowville, and the mercury on the thermometer drops while the daily dose of white girls in yoga pants fawning over Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte on Facebook shoots up, there’s no denying it any further ladies and germs-  We are in full autumnal mode.

A season I never was super crazy about as a child, (what red-blooded kid really likes the carefree summer ending and school to start again?) years later, I absolutely love this time of year.

There’s a refreshing crispness to the cool evening air, football season is in full burst, fresh-pressed apple cider is on every shelf, and Halloween season, my favorite holiday, is ramping up speed.   Chock full of creepy haunted houses, blood-curdling horror flicks, just-carved pumpkins, and spooky decorations as far as the eye can see…

…and don’t think your the walls of your local supermarket can keep you safe. 

Rise and shine, wipe the gross eye-gunk out and look twice in the morning, cause your simple breakfast is now in danger.

The “Monster Cereals” have once again been unleashed upon us–  a classic line of cereal created by General Mills, complete with a cult following, found annually on store shelves from September through Halloween.  At one time produced year round, they now are only available seasonally during the fall, just in time to make Tony the Tiger run for the hills and Snap, Crackle and Pop shake in their sugary britches.

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CHAPTER I:  MEET THE GOBLINS YOU’LL BE GOBBLIN’

COUNT CHOCULAVampires drinking blood is sooo Twilight, cause this fanged-fiend has a Sweet Nosferatooth.  His cape is nearly indistinguishable from his hair, he’s got a Barbara Streisand nose, square buck-teeth fangs, and “hunka-hunka burnin’ love” sideburns that’d make Uncle Jesse green with envy.  Get your daily dose of Bran Stokers!

 

 

BOO BERRYGet your spoooooooooooon ready this moaning, cause it’s paranormal snacktivity time when this blueberry ghoul fills your bowl.  While his snazzy bowtie and hat may scream out “1920’s jazz musician”, it’s you who will be screaming when this always-tired looking poltergeist joins you at the breakfast table.

 

FRANKENBERRYWith all those gears, clocks and whistles on his head, he looks like a steampunker straight out of Victoria’s Secret, but this Pepto Bismol-y hellion is anything but.  Flamboyantly tasty, this strawberry Frankenstein is “igor” to make your breakfast frighteningly delicious.

 

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CHAPTER II:   HOLY CRAP!  THE LEGEND OF FRANKENBERRY STOOL


Take a trip back to the early 70’s…. Once upon a time, when disco reigned king, lava lamps had yet to become “retro”, and Cher had less fake body parts…

After the introduction of Frankenberry, the bloody-good cereal caused some unexpected and jarring scares to moms and dads nationwide…

As the tale goes, the mad scientists from the spooky lab at General Mills used a certain red dye to give the cereal its trademark color.  Frankenstein had his final revenge on the living as said red dye didn’t fully break down in the human body, and the pinkish scare parents received during potty time became an unintended hilarious result infamously known as “Frankenberry stool”.

The braintrust at General Mills wisely decided this “my cereal’s turning my poop red” press wasn’t a wise marketing move, and have since changed the boo poo formula to a more stomach-friendly dye.

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CHAPTER III:  THE MONSTERS HAVE RECORD SALES!

I always thought my parents’ old Elvis records were a collector’s dream, but if you’re a true vinyl lover, your wax collection isn’t close to complete without off-tune breakfast ghouls serenading you.

Presented here, for your listening enjoyment, is one of a line of free records included with the cereal, entitled The Monsters Go Disco.

We’re still holding our breath on that ghastly  cover of “I Will Survive”, but in the meantime, fasten your bell bottoms, here’s a taste of campy monsters gone campier:

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CHAPTER IV:  QUENTIN TARANTINO AND FRUIT BRUTE-  A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN

People of Internet Land, meet Fruit Brute…

Upon first glance, this hairy Halloween hooligan may not be instantly recognizable as a household name.

There must be a full moon out because here’s a fruit-lovin’ werewolf who met his eventual discontinuation in 1983.  Much how John Travolta’s sinking career was thrown a grindhouse-y life preserver from director Quentin Tarantino, he also attempted to toss one to the Brute, as an old cereal box made a cameo appearance in some of QT’s most prolific films from the 90’s:

Here’s his appearance in with Lance, a mangy heroin dealer in 1994’s Pulp Fiction:

…and with Mr. Orange in 1992’s Reservoir Dogs:

“Are you gonna bark all day little Brute-y, or are you gonna bite?” 

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CHAPTER V:  THAT CRUMMY DUMMY NAMED FRUITY YUMMY MUMMY

 

To fill the void of those who love fruit cereal and missed the ‘Brute, “Fruity Yummy Mummy” was introduced to a yearning public.

You’d think calling a character fruity might be a bit politically incorrect, but it pales in comparison to his originally offensive moniker, “Wrapped-Up Flamer”.

Much like The Mummy films, public interest was tepid at best.  Production “wrapped up” on Fruity Yummy Mummy as he joined the Brute in the cereal graveyard in 1993.

but…

As the old saying goes, “everything old is new again”.

On a stormy, cold, early autumn evening, as the howling wind blew the rickety shutters around like a worn-out ragdoll, it was said that a unkempt cherry-scented paw and a decrepit fruity wrapped hand both broke open the foggy, cold cemetery ground and rose up from their breakfast graves, shambled past the chipped, weathered headstones of “Nerds Cereal” and “French Toast Crunch” …

and then they traveled into your local supermarket. 

Tell your milk to suck it up and get ready for a crap-your-pants scare.  2013 marks the long-awaited return of both Fruit Brute and Fruity Yummy Mummy to store shelves.

 

blog cereal

The Smiths may never get back together, but this is a pretty close second place. 

 

 

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CHAPTER VI:  TATBOO!!



A rabid cult following often leads to obsessive behavior-  fanatics still line up for midnight showings of The Rocky Horror Picture show, and diehards camp outside McDonald’s for the yearly appearance of the fast food Bigfoot known as the McRib.   Keep that in mind when the next time you come between a man and his breakfast food…

Skulls, crosses and heart tattoos are too pedestrian for these inked-up cerealites, as they’ve made their love of Monster Cereals permanent.  While some monsters want to get under your skin, these monsters will have to settle for being on it.

Blumes note:  Ladies, if you dig these, let me know, I just may end up with one.

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CHAPTER VII:  PRANK CALL MATERIAL

Ever meet someone with an unfortunate last name you know they grew up being teased with?  Ask any “Tom Banana”, “Lisa Smurfs” or “Bill Spaghettios”, every day of high school ridicule must’ve been a daily nightmare.

Growing up with the surname of  “Frankenberry” couldn’t have been a jolly walk in the park either, and I’m sure all these people could testify to that fact.

LISTINGS OF LAST NAME “FRANKENBERRY” IN THE UNITED STATES:

 The Frankenberry family reunions in Pennsylvania must be a real hoot.  Every meal is pink and the three-legged race is a suspenseful thrill ride.

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CHAPTER VIII:  MOVE OVER AL ROKER

Today’s forecast calls for a 30% chance of raaaaaaaaaaainnnnn!  (Get it?  Like a zombie?)

Actually, if we were to name this after Al Roker, we’d have to call it Poo Berry.

(rimshot)

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CHAPTER IX:  COUNT ON A FIGHT!

There’s only room for one friendly non-blood sucking vampire in this town, and the eternal battle’s waged on for years.  Hide the garlic, and stay outta the sunlight, this is most likely how True Blood will end one day:

“DING DING!  Ladies and Gentlemen!  Welcome to tonight’s main event–  a fangy Battle Royale for the ages!  Two pale purgatory pugilists in a fight to the (un)death!”

“In this ring, straight from a cardboard coffin in some creepy Cocoa Transylvania, the deliciously… the chocolately…  the sideburned…  the Riboflavin-y…  Mr. Count Chocula!”

“And in this ring, hailing from Sesame Street- he’s lilac-colored, he’s got eight total fingers, he’s good with numbers, and he’s got Snuffleupagus poop on the bottom of his shoe…  it’s Count Von Count!”

Frightened readers, it was said the infamous vampire battle went on for hours.  So long, Abraham Lincoln and Buffy even konked out and lost the urge to slay them.  In the end, it was Sesame Street Count who reigned victorious…

in one round, two rounds, ha ha ha…

“Number One baby!”

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CHAPTER X:  COUNT CHOCULA AND FRANKENBERRY WERE CROSSDRESSERS

They wore the same thing!  How embarrassing…

Ru-Paul made a living out of dressing like a woman, but when it comes to dress-wearing, these bozos oughta stick to their day jobs.   But I guess if it’s good enough for J. Edgar Hoover, it’s good enough for them.

Blumes note:  Tell me you weren’t thinking Frankenberry looks like Charles Nelson Reilly.

cnr

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The Definitive Interview with Moira Quirk (Mo From GUTS)

By Andrew Blumetti

“Do You Have It?!?”

If you grew up a fan of 90’s golden-era Nickelodeon, that tagline should be no stranger to you.

… but bad news, if it is, man, you’re getting old.

1. Take one part American Gladiators…

2. Eliminate the ‘roids, awkwardly patriotic spandex, and truckloads of greasy body oil…

3. Insert helmet-wearin’, cherub-face kiddies…

Voila!  You now have Nickelodeon GUTS, the action sports competition that ran for four sweaty seasons on the kiddies’ cable network.  Hosted by jolly comedic actor Mike O’ Malley, GUTS pitted three tween contestants against one another in several sporting events to win colored ranking medals.

The grand prize was a “glowing” trophy– a piece of the “Aggro Crag”, the giant fabricated mountain that served as the game’s final obstacle race.  This prize apparently was so mesmerizing, it made the contestants forget Nickelodeon wasn’t giving them any actual money.

The kids were mildly adorable and goofball O’ Malley monopolized a majority of the screen time, but the real hidden GUTS-y gem was officiator/referee Moira “Mo” Quirk, owner of the most fun-to-impersonate accent to ever grace the channel.

For all of us Yanks who grew up only knowing Moira as “Mo the Ref”, you’d best know that black and white-striped ref jersey is just the tip of the iceberg for this talented British comedian/actress.

Moira has kept herself busy since the show’s ending in 1996.  An established stand-up comedian who has also done extensive acting and voice-over work for shows such as Nickelodeon’s animated My Life as a Teenage Robot, the podcast series The Radio Adventures of Dr. Floyd, Johnny Bravo, Happy Feet Two, and several video games.

You can currently catch Mo as the live-action host of the animated series Angelina Ballerina: The Next Steps and a number of upcoming projects.

I was lucky enough to have Moira as my first-ever interview, and I couldn’t have asked for a better choice.  Friendly, insightful, and always funny, we discussed that catchy-as-a-cold GUTS theme, conquering the rocky Crag, terrible British impressions, and what it’s like to be a Halloween costume.


Please check out Mo’s official site, and follow her on Twitter at @moiraquirkable.  Your funny-bone will send you a Hickory Farms sausage and cheese gift basket as a thank you. 

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BLUMES:  After seeing Nickelodeon revive their classic 90’s programming with their The 90’s Are All That!, do you ever take a moment to sit back and think that you were one of the most memorable faces from an era of television so many hold dear?
MO:  Maybe it’s because I’m English, but no!  I’m completely incapable of thinking that way!  But I do encounter many, many people who watched GUTS and are happy to meet me, and yes, that is nice to feel I was a happy part of their childhood.

I once bumped into Billy Connelly and all I could do was say “Oh!” as I looked up at him, but I felt a rush of remembering my best friend and myself sneaking his albums from her father’s collection and listening to his quite naughty comedy and just laughing and giggling away secretly in her room.  Of course, GUTS was not naughty or blue, but if I can elicit that same kind of “Oh!”, I’d say that’s quite nice.

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Do you ever get the GUTS theme song stuck in your head out of nowhere?  Seriously, sometimes I get that thing in my head and it’s harder to get out than peanut butter from the roof of your mouth.



Like an adventure hero who has inured himself to poison, it has no effect on me.

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Have you kept in touch with Mike ‘O Malley over the years?   Ever caught any of his television shows?



We do keep in touch.  He’s busy with work and family.  I’m busy with work and family, but we keep up with each other and I’m always happy to hear what he’s up to.  I did watch the first season of Glee and thought he was amazing.  A really touching performance- and Emmy nominated, I might add!

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If you Google “Nickelodeon GUTS Halloween costume”, there’s many a photo of a group dressed as contestants, complete with a “Mo” ref.  Now, I don’t know what it’s like to be a Halloween costume, unless “dorky white guy” becomes a popular costume next year.  Is it as cool as I’m thinking it is?



Yes, it is just that cool.  Also, as a practical person, I like how easy it is to assemble: a ref shirt, some ’90s spandex bike shorts and if you have a short, British woman to put in there, all the better.

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In the years since GUTS, you’ve certainly amassed quite the impressive resume, including stand-up comedy, cartoon voice-over work, and acting in film, television and theater amongst other endeavors.  Which has been your favorite to work on?



I did once get to say “if it hadn’t been for you meddling kids!” as the villain on a Scooby Doo episode, and I walked on air for a week or two after that!

Lately I have been performing in and recording a fair number of plays for radio and that is wonderful.  When I was a teen listening to plays on BBC Radio 4, I thought life would be pretty magnificent if I could do that.  Now, I do.  I get to do all sorts of plays from Restoration to Angry Young Man for LA Theatreworks/NPR and for the BBC.  It’s lovely.  But, whether it’s a game or a cartoon or a sitcom or web series, I really love my job!

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Doing voice-over work for animation seems like a barrel of monkeys… are there any personal favorite cartoons you’d like to work on one day?



I don’t even know if they are still in production, but Phineas and Ferb.  I love that show!  It is built on a foundation of kindness and silliness and it really makes me laugh.  My pal Dee Baker (also a Nickelodeon alum) voices Perry.

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Who were your comedic inspirations growing up?  Do you follow any current comedians?



I have been lucky enough to see Zach Galifianakis when he was doing open mics years and years ago.  I’ve seen Eddie Izzard.  I would have loved to see Mitch Hedberg.  I love Maria Bamford and Jackie Kashian.  I think Catherine Tate is wonderful.

There are all sorts of comedians I love.  Eddie Pepitone and Frank Conniff always make me laugh.  Wow, this is turning into a long- and obviously disjointed- list.  When I was growing up we would always put in a Jasper Carrott tape in if we were going on a drive.  He’s British and did story based comedy.  Or some Monty Python.

Coming to America and going through my husband and uncle’s record collections introduced me to Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby among others.  Currently, I’m watching Louie (Louie C.K.) on Netflix.  I think he’s pretty amazing.

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Funniest movie of all time???  GO!



Nope.  Not fair!  But, off the top of my head, here’s a list of movies I like to see about once a year:

Withnail and I
Some Like it Hot
Hot Fuzz
The In-Laws- the original
Born Yesterday
40 Year-Old Virgin
Funny Bones
Bowfinger
Jeeves and Wooster (The Hugh Laurie/Stephen Fry version)

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On your official site, you have a clip of your stand-up routine about Americans oddly imitating British accents.   I am guilty of a pretty terrible one myself.  Are we all that bad?  Does every fake British accent mention tea? Cause that’s pretty much our go-to move.



For ‘go to’ moves it’s not a bad one.  I believe my husband wins the prize for best worst English accent.  It makes me cry… laughing.

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Now, a couple questions about the “Aggro Crag” on GUTS, did you ever get a chance to climb that thing?  Due to my petrifying fear of heights, I’d make it about 10 feet up and freeze.  I would’ve been shown in GUTS blooper reels.   Did they ever give you one of the glowing green prize trophy pieces to keep?

I did conquer the Crag.  I do own a “piece of it.”  It’s in the garage.

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Since you are a professional comic, I’ll ask your opinion- I love to tell terrible jokes… Please rate this joke on a scale of 1-10 (1 being awful, 10 being a “better” awful):  


Why did Dracula take cough medicine?

To stop his coffin.
Oh, that’s awfully good.

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If we started a campaign to get you on Dancing With the Stars in a future season, how do you think you’d fare?

Um, not well.

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What’s going on in Mo-Land these days?  What are your current projects where we can see/hear/laugh along?

There’s a few actually.  I’m in a new web series called “Dirty Work” .  Check out this LA Times article.

I’m in the third season of the web series “Pretty”.
I recorded “Look Back in Anger” for LA Theatreworks, that has aired on various NPR stations nationwide.
“Dracula” will air on various NPR stations again this Halloween
I’m currently recording an X-Com game playing a cold and clinical scientist.


Star Wars: The Old Republic,  The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim – I’ve been getting some nice feedback on those.
I have big intentions with regard to social media! Maybe actually pay attention to Facebook, and updating my woefully outdated website and YouTube channel, and, oh, I don’t know, actually starting tweeting (@moiraquirkable).



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A big thank you to Moira Quirk for her time and for being a fantastic first interview on A Blumes With A View

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Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Games, Humor, Interview, Pop Culture, Retro, Television