Rick and Roll! The A to Z’s of Alan Rickman

By Andrew Blumetti

“Blumes, don’t you start Buzzfeed articling me!”

He died hard.

He Harry Pottered.

He Robin Hooded.

He Sensed and Sensibilityed.

He caused me to create fake words.

Renowned thespian of the Shakespearean theater, Alan Rickman has been tossing a shiny slick coating of refined Union Jacked-charm over the Hollywood sign for the past three decades of Earth time.

A wealth of colorful characters under his belt, often portraying a menacing villain with a touch of ironically unironic Eurotrash sophistication thrown in for good measure.  Through and through, Rickman’s genuinely an actor’s actor–  time-tested, well-respected, almost British to a glorious fault, and graced with a sharper, drier sense of humor than he’s often credited with.

“Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I’m not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we’re doing here.”

-Alan Rickman

See?

And for all you “Al-manics”, drink some Gatorade and take this moment to stretch out those hamstrings.

Prepare to jump for joy 26 times… it’s time for…

ALAN RICKMAN:  A to Z:

APRON:

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BORING HEALTHY DIET FOOD…

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CHEATING ON HIS DIET INSTEAD…

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DUCK FACE AIN’T JUST FOR 16-YEAR OLD INSTAGRAMMERS ANYMORE!

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ELLEN DEGENERES DIDN’T ASK ME TO BE IN HER OSCAR SELFIE PHOTO!

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FORGOT THE SUNSCREEN:

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“GOOD STEEL”:

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“HERE WE’LL JUST PAINT A HAPPY LITTLE TREE…”

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IMAGINARY BOWLING:

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JAZZ HAND, (JUST ONE):

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KING OF KILT STATUE MOUNTAIN:

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LOVIN’ HIS DEMETRI MARTIN HALLOWEEN COSTUME:

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MY TRENT REZNOR-LOOKALIKE AWARD IS IN THE BAG!

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NICKELBACK’S STILL AROUND?!?:

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OH ELEVEN HERBS AND SPICES, HOW I LOVE THEE…

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PHIL ROBERTSON DARED ME TO DO THIS:

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QUIGLEY DOWN UNDER:

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“REALLY, I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE BACHELOR WAS THINKING LAST NIGHT…”

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SIAMESE RICKMAN:

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THERE’S ALWAYS ROOM FOR CELLO…

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UNDERPANTS AL!

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VALENTINE’S DAY:

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“WU-TANG CLAN AIN’T NOTHING TO $%@! WITH!”

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X-MAS RICKSTER (AKA MIS-AL-TOE)

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“YOU EXPECT ME TO MAKE EGGS IN THIS?!?”

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“ZOOEY DESCHANEL, WILL YOU MARRY ME?”

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Fifty Shades of Grated Cheese

By Andrew Blumetti

The Earth is made up of 71% water.

Of the remaining 29% of the Earth, nearly all humans inhabit only 4% of it.

Of that 4% of person-filled land, half of it is filled with men.

As a spokesman for all of the 3.5 billion men taking up 2% of this green and blue rock’s surface, I’ll say it- We didn’t, still don’t, and will never get the Fifty Shades of Grey thing.

In my opinion, if it’s not Green Eggs and Ham, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, or anything written by Don Rickles, it just ain’t worth reading.

I don’t know what it is about trashy novels, but that book is still all the rage nowadays with anyone with two X-chromosomes and some free time to read.  We can only assume blonde mimbo/bird magnet, Fabio, is a bit peeved he didn’t make his grandiose comeback on novel’s cover for oogling eyes to oogle.

Despite our male head scratching, it’s British author, E.L. James, who is laughing all the way to the bank.  Much like Twilight, The Hunger Games, or Harry Potter, the Shades series will be an upcoming multi-part film adaptation that will have all the merit of an afternoon Lifetime movie or the God-awful Sutter Home commercials that run during it.

Well, we will have to leave the mediocre writing to James, as I can’t tell you the first thing about trashy novels– they just never took up residence in my wheelhouse.

…Although, that wouldn’t really bring us anywhere, and to quote the philosophical brain of Andy Dwyer from Parks and Recreation, “The show must go wrong.”

So, ladies, being the eternal giver I am, prepare to have your fancy tickled… tickled big time.  Throw away your Grey books, put those scampish rugrats to bed early, close the shutters, pour yourselves some wine, and kick back for the tastiest read of the year.

My gift to you:  FIFTY SHADES OF GRATED CHEESE

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1.  “Homer Simpson”

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2.  “Art Alexakis’s Hair”

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3.  “Bert and Ernie”

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4.  “Kirsten Stewart’s Complexion”

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5.  “Tampa Bay Buccaneers Uniforms, circa 1980”

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6.  “The Floor After a Madonna Haircut”

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7.  “Jaundice Spongebob”

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8.  “The Joker’s Face”

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9.  “Hitler’s Ideal Hair Color”

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10.  “The Beard of the Old Guy From Home Alone“

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11.  “In Utero Album Color”

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12. “Ku Klux Kheese”

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13.  “Very Paul Hogan”

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14. “Kill Bill Outfit”

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15.  “Sloppy Candy Corn”

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16.  “The Cover of Rage Against the Machine’s Evil Empire”

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17. “Stay Puft”

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18. “Mr. Blonde”

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19.  “Devo”

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20.  “Bird’s Eye View of Christina Aguilera”

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21. “Extreme Sigur Rós”

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22. “Seasick Big Bird”

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23. “Nick Nolte Mugshot”

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24.  “Cheesegally Blonde”

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25.  “Electric Penguin Beak”

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26.  “Racial Harmony”

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27. “Hulk Hogan’s Skin”

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28.  “Encore at a Coldplay Concert”

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29. “Party On Garth!”

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30. “Thom Yorke in the ‘Creep’ Video”

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31.  “Borat’s Suit”

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32.  “The Crowd Shopping at J. Crew”

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33.  “Not Getting in the Apollo Theater”

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34.  “Ozzy Osbourne’s Lunch in the 1980’s”

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35.  “Wu-Tang Clan Logo”

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36.  “The Family Circus Kids’ Hair”

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37.  “Day Old Chowder”

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38.  “Generic Indian Food”

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39.  “New Jersey Tanning Mom”

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40.  “Every Scene in Fargo”

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41. “Leftover Turnip at Thanksgiving”

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42.  “Wigga”

 

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43.  “Fruity-Looking Powdered Wig”

 

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44.  “Michael Jackson, the Post-Molestation Years”

 

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45.  “Offensive Lineman on Every NFL Team”

 

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46.  “Eddie Cheddar”

 

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47.  “Pillsbury Dough Boy, the Sequel”

 

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48.  “Egon’s Hair in The Real Ghostbusters”

 

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49.  “Flo from the Progressive Insurance Commercials”

 

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50.  “Gunther Gable Williams”