Tag Archives: Holiday

St. Patrick’s Greetings From the Most Irish Man on Earth… Shaquille ‘O Neal

By Andrew Blumetti

Top o’ the morning afternoon to ya! 

When your last name could pass for an extra on The Sopranos, this day really tears you up.

Surely, I’ll be the first to admit- green bagels can’t be beat, my Flogging Molly vinyl is spinning like Rob Ford after a weekend blowout, and I’ve already tripled my daily salt intake with corned beef, but let’s call a spade a spade- with a last name that rhymes with spaghetti, “Irish” I could say I’m authentic, but I’m just an ‘o-poster today.

So, instead of hearing jolly tidings of St. Patrick’s joy from me, I’m gonna pass the baton to a man who really knows his way around a pint of Guinness.  Let’s get goofy green with Mr. Ireland himself…  Shaquille O’ Neal.

If you wear a Shaq “Big Shamrock” t-shirt in a bar on March 17, they actually charge you MORE for your beer.

 

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To be sure Nick Nolte doesn’t fall off the wagon into a frosty barrel of green beer, O’ Neal will be spending the weekend with him.  Hours will be spent smacking Nolte with Shaq’s elephant-paw when he gets out of line.

 

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In 1996, Shaq took his movie career even further, playing a magic Irish genie in a bottle.  He’ll grant ye three wishes, but unfortunately, “wishing I hadn’t sat down to watch Kazaam” isn’t one of them.

 

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Before his time playing American basketball, Mr. O’ Neal spent many a year creating beloved tunes of Beautiful Days and Bloody Sundays with his Irish rock brethren, U2.

 

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Here’s Shaq’s time spent with his leprechaun girlfriend.  

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Fun Fact:  If you were to fill Shaq’s massive size-23 shoe with Lucky Charms, it’d require a whole cow and a half to provide the milk. 

 

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Say it with me… Shamrock Shaq. 

 

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Q:  What happens when Shaq scores a lot of baskets? 

A:  The score will be DUBLIN!!!

 

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You hear that new Cranberries album?  PFFFFTTTTT

 
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With no basketball to dribble around, no dunks to dunk and no free throws to miss, it’s time to hit the silver screen again.  Pop your corn and get in line now, Leprechaun 7- coming soon. 

 

Pretty soon…

 

Never.

 

 

So Danny Boy Shaquille- a most happy and merry St. Patty’s to you my Celtic friend.  And to all the readers out there in internet land- Irish and non-Irish alike, may your bagpipes be filled with hot air, may all your Murphys be dropkicked, and may your meats be boiled to a fine bland gray. 

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Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Food, Holiday, Pop Culture, Sports

My Valentine’s Day Cards To You

By Andrew Blumetti

I love you all.

Seriously.  Well, not the whole “like-like” school of brilliance dolled out by the Winnie Cooper-ed mind of Kevin Arnold, but you all who read, follow, and support my blog really are the bee’s knees.  I sincerely appreciate and thank anyone who’s taken time to read, enjoy, or roll their eyes at the cornball absurdity that fills this page on a relatively frequent basis.

Ok, enough of this gooey shhhh….ow of emotion.*  Let’s get down to brass tacks here.

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Before we continue, a favor first—  If you reside in the Northeast or Mid-Atlantic portion of the United States, please do me a solid- take a second and go to your window and look outside.  I’ll wait.

Back yet?

Ok, I’ll wait more.

How about now?

Good.

See the Everest-high mountains of white stuff?  There’s more snow out there than in a used CD bin.

Screw you, Blumes.

Yeah, this brutal winter is crawling by with all the lightning-quick speed of Artie Lange’s metabolism, but believe you me fellow snowed-in’s, as hard as it seems to believe, our ‘ol pal spring will be here soon, and before you know it, you’ll be itchy, watery-eyed, and sneezing your head off like the Queen of Hearts was demanding it.

But hey, even in two feet of snow, life would be nothing without small victories- my birthday is only 10 days away, pitchers and catchers are about to embark to Florida and Arizona for Spring Training, The Walking Dead has returned in all of its brain-munching glory, the Winter Olympics are running full steam, and the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition should show up on my doorstep anyday to make me feel pretty awkward in front of my mailman.  February is truly the month that keeps on giving.

Sports Illustrated, Lily Aldridge, Nina Agdal, Chrissy Teigen

“This cover needs more Kate Upton”- Kate Upton, Blumes

Of course mid-February ain’t all AMC-zombies and Abe Lincoln’s birthday cake.  Even if you’re still frostbitten from endless shoveling, you’ll still be sleeping on the couch if you forget the holiday that’s redder than Russia, circa 1960…

Conversation hearts?  Fat baby Cupid?  All-day Julia Roberts movie marathons?  A remarkably thinner wallet?  Make no mistake, make-no-mistakers, Saint Valentine is here with a bright red vengeance and he’s ready to kick yo keister up and down the snowy block.

For some of you, it’s a chance to take out a much-needed second mortgage for a dozen stupid red roses, boxes of mystery heart chocolates, and giant teddy bears the size of Delaware.  For others, it’s an opportunity to throw Adele on repeat, curse the Hallmark holiday for shoving your blatant singledom in your face, and chow down on your emergency stash of Ring Dings while you feverishly refresh your OkCupid profile for new messages till the clock eventually hits midnight and February 15th comes to save the day.

“This guy’s coming with me in the carpool lane!  I’ll just tell them it’s Robin Williams!”

That’s where I come in.  Whether you’re single, taken, married, or a cyborg, I’m here to boomerang back all that amazing support and positivity to you on this Valentine’s Day, Twenty-fourteen.  If it’s Friday and you’re in love, or maybe not so much, I want this day of hearts and crap to be your happiest and heartiest yet.

So, for a few short minutes, put that adorably plump Adele on hold, slam the flap on that box of uneaten Ring Dings, and pause those insufferable “Every Kiss Begins with Kay” commercials… Here’s my personal valentines to you rad readers-  feel free to print and snip.

Happy V-Day.

Love, Blumes

(* If anyone recognizes this quote, I’ll come to your house, hug you, and make you a B+ dinner.)

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Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Holiday, Humor, Movies, Music, Pop Culture, Retro, Television

The New Holiday Game Sweeping the Globe: Santa, Wilford Brimley or ZZ Top… NAME… THAT… BEARD!

By Andrew Blumetti

WARNING The following game may cause you to shout, cry, and pout.  Your standing on Santa’s list may be in jeopardy.  Proceed with the utmost caution.

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Those feathery turkey decorations are stored away in the dusty attic for another 11 months, your third helping of thrice-reheated leftovers has caused you to punch an embarassing homemade extra “fat hole” in your belt with a Phillips-head screwdriver, and the swelling from that Black Friday “grab at flatscreen TV” bruise on your upper arm has finally started to subside.  There may have been lots of commercials on TV for a month now, but it’s time for the rest of us to catch up– Christmastime is here, and it’s here with the animalistic force of Miley Cyrus’s slimy tongue itching to bust out of her pot smoke-filled piehole.

You can kick your eggnog and wreaths to the curb, cause really, when you think about it, what spells out the holiday season more than blog posts?  In a short answer:  Nothing.

So join me in pouring yourself a bowl of Christmas Crunch…  (This was my actual meal while typing this)

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turn up some Yuletide tunes as you read (feel free to play it while reading to complete the full holiday mood)…  

…and grab a front seat on the Polar Express as it derails stops through Nonsenseville, because it’s time to spend the holidays the way your grandparents did… guessing men’s facial hair. 

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‘DA RULES:  A series of ten closeup white and wispy whiskers will be presented.  Simply grab a piece of paper and a pen, jot down your choice if said beard/mustache grew out of the chubby face of Santa Claus, Wilford Brimley or one of the members of ZZ Top.  Below the tenth beard will be the answer key including links to the full pictures.  Match up your answers, and see how you scored!

But first, here’s a crash refresher course of our fully-folically-faced festive fellas:

SANTA CLAUS

ALSO KNOWN AS:  Kris Kringle, St. Nicholas, Sandy Claws (according to Jack Skellington)

NOTABLE WORKS:  Flying around the planet in one evening with gravity-defying caribou, that cherub-faced Cabbage Patch Kid under your tree back in ’86, inadvertently cleaning the soot from your chimney with his big round rump on a yearly basis

GUILTY PLEASURE FILMS: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Hostel Part III, Shakes the Clown

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WILFORD BRIMLEY

ALSO KNOWN AS:  The guy with that obnoxiously bushy mustache from the Diabetes commercials who may or may not have a mouth underneath that enormous thing.

NOTABLE WORKS:  Cocoon, The Thing, that one episode of Seinfeld

FAVORITE DANCES:  twerking, the Harlem Shake, crumping, the Lindy Hop

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ZZ TOP

ALSO KNOWN AS:  Two guys with the Yosemite Sam-ish beards and the other guy who owns a razor. They’re the reason you gotta scroll all the way down to the bottom of your artist list on your iPod.

NOTABLE WORKS:  “Legs”, “Sharp Dressed Man”, the soundtrack from Alvin and the Chipmunks:  The Squeakquel

STRANGEST THINGS FOUND IN BEARDS:  Golden Grahams, the GEICO lizard, the fourth member of ZZ Top

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… And hair we go!

 

BEARD #1

On Christmas Eve, maybe these snowy hued bristles will bring you a shiny new bicycle…  or rip a killer guitar solo… or lecture you about DI-A-BEE-TUS.

santa 1

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BEARD #2

There’s a fine line between scary pigeon-eating bum and beloved holiday icon, and this hairy dude lives smack on it…

santa 2

BEARD # 3

This is a bigger beard than George Clooney’s girlfriend!

santa 3

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BEARD #4

Word on the snowy street has it that the owner of this killer soup-strainer has been known to do an emergency darkening-by-soy-sauce to impress the waitresses at Benihana.

santa 4

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BEARD #5

Holiday Season PSA:  Don’t randomly go sitting on the lap of any guy with a big white beard.  That is quite uncomfortable for all parties involved.

santa 5

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BEARD #6

This guy celebrates “No Shave November”.  If by “November”, you mean the last 40 years…

santa 6

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BEARD #7

Boy Scout hint: With facial hair this mammoth, just add a little toothpaste and you’ve always got a permanent toothbrush on your face!

Man, that was gross.

santa 7

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BEARD #8

♪ “I’m dreaming of a white mustache!”  ♪

santa 8

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BEARD #9

The Dos Equis “Most Interesting Man in the World” guy has a lawsuit against this man.  It’s going to get U-G-L-Y in court.

santa 9

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BEARD #10

This beard is whiter than an R.E.M. concert!

santa 10

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ANSWER KEY

1.  Don’t get too comfortable just yet, this starter question was a gift from the rolly-polly round man himself, Santa Claus.

2.  It’s a freezing December 24th evening, the flickering candlelights are dimmed and the powdery snow is falling making the front lawn look like Lindsay Lohan’s car dashboard…  you wait impatiently, tucked under the cozy wool covers, with the anticipation of what’s to come.  Then suddenly, wait… what’s that?!?  It’s the sound of merry jingle bells, the pitter-patter of dancing reindeer hooves on the roof, and the familiar sounds of… blues rock??  Better hope Dusty Hill of ZZ Top left some receipts for you to return the awkward presents he left under the tree.  Seriously?  Old Hooters calendars from 1988? Get outta here.

3.  Sure there’s plenty of fat guys hanging around the mall, but at least this one isn’t awkwardly oogling the cute girl who works at Cinnabon… well at least when Mrs. Claus isn’t looking.  Santa’s the man here.

4.  You’re too smart to fall for this clever ruse… they don’t serve oatmeal at Benihana!  Brimley it is!

5.  Bad news:  If you get more than three questions wrong here, you have to eat your dinner off of ZZ Top’s beard.

6.  You know what The Thing actually was, right?  Wilford Brimley’s broom-worthy ‘stache. 

7.  No, no, I thought it was Pauly Shore too, but it’s actually the jolly ‘ol man himselfI just don’t know what to believe anymore either.

8.  With winter right around the corner, it may be a bit too chilly to visit the zoo, but right here, you can always view the human walrus himself, Wilford Brimley

9.  He spends half his day scraping Rudolph poop off the bottom of his boots, yes it’s Kris Kringle!

10. Wait, are Kim Kardashian, Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton standing together in a row?  Cause Santa is saying Ho Ho Ho!

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Share your score in the comments below.   Also, here is the contact information for Hasbro, let’s get this on the shelves next to Monopoly next year!  Or even one shelf, I’m not greedy!

“Hey, I have an old white mustache too ya jerk!”

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Filed under Christmas, Comedy, Entertainment, Games, Holiday, Humor

The Hand-burglar Turkey!

By Andrew Blumetti

It’s become an annual tradition that during November and early December, I spend the bulk of my free time hand-painting Christmas ornaments to sell at my nephew’s school Christmas sale.  Art has always been my first passion, so it’s been a lot of fun, and at this point, I’m nearly 100 in, have painted more Elf on the Shelfs, Elmos, and Disney Princesses than a grown man should admit to, (and surely now am one step closer to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome), which has taken away a bit of my time on here for a few weeks.

During this (delicious) time of thanks, I want to extend a big thank you to everyone on here for your continued support on my blog over the past three months.  Being able to create, share, and most importantly, make so many new and amazing friends is something I am very appreciate of, very thankful for, and cannot wait to continue. 

A very Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families!   Send me your leftovers!

-Andrew “Blumes” Blumetti

 

…but to quote Buzz McCallister from Home Alone 2, “enough of this gooey shhhhhh…ow of emotion”, here’s the stupidest thing you’ll see all day… robble… and gobble!

 

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Filed under Art, Comedy, Entertainment, Food, Holiday, Humor, Pop Culture

Blumes’s Misleading Halloween Party Playlist

By Andrew Blumetti

Was your Columbus Day party as lame as mine?

Sure, the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria chili dips burned, and the bowl full of 1,492 olives ended up being a colossal waste of money, but your heart was in the right place, wasn’t it?

And how on the face of great, green Planet Earth you were able to get more suckers guests to give you a second chance only a few weeks later for your Halloween shindig makes you think something’s gotta be in the water supply.

But nonetheless, here’s your chance to make things right.  Dim the lights, toss up some icky cobwebs, a few delightfully horrific decorations, a delicious hors d’oeuvres platter of Halloweenies or Zombielamb-chops, and before you know it, folks on both sides of the Mason Dixon line will be waxing poetic about the triumphant haunted hootenanny you threw that fateful evening of October 31st in the year 2013.

Well, not so fast there chief.  Without some quality rump shakin’ tunes, they ain’t gonna be fawning like rabid Justin Bieber fans just yet.  Those fellas didn’t dress up as rootin’ tootin’ cowboys, and those ladies didn’t starve themselves for two weeks and squeeze themselves into skin-tight slutty cop costumes just to stand there in your living room like lazy lumps on a log.

“This party DOESN’T have the right to remain silent!”

Well, take it from me, if you don’t want your gussied-up guests to go stormin’ out the front door before the steaming hot Pieday the 13ths hit the table, certainly don’t pick your songs based solely on title or artist name alone.  It turns ugly, and it turns ugly fast.  

Case in point:  My 2012 party soundtrack…

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TRACK #1:  THE CRANBERRIES- “Zombie”

This might be of Eminem, I cannot fully be sure.  

Listen to it here.

What you expect:  A decrepit hand breaks the cold cemetery soil, as dozens of flesh-hungry dead cannibals rise to their rotting feet, black-tongued and blood-filled mouths, groaning the words, “do you have to let lingerrrrrrrr…”

What you get:  Not nearly as Walking Dead-ish as the title would suggest, this excellent mid-90’s alt rock staple is a protest song surrounding the violence and unrest in Northern Ireland, inspired by the 1993 IRA bombing in Warrington, Cheshire.  Don’t use it at your Halloween party, you’ll look like an insensitive dunce.

Rick and roll!

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TRACK #2:  FRANK SINATRA- “I’ve Got You Under My Skin”

frank sinatra

“Hey punk, don’t use my song at your party, or I’ll clean your clock.”

Take a listen here.

What you expect:  Your mind races and your nerves tremble as the padded walls of the nuthouse close in on you faster and faster.  Is your cracking brain playing tricks on you?  Maybe, look at your skin crawl after all– it could be festering bugs laying their eggs, it could be a deadly disease rotting you from the inside out, or it could be a mean prank that wisenhimer Dean Martin played on you when you were using the bathroom.  The line between madness and reality is blurring faster than ‘Ol Blue Eyes’ vision, eight drinks in, at a hotel bar following a Saturday night show.

What you get:  Some feel it’s about the drink, but the popular and direct interpretation of this Sinatra favorite is likely about the all-powerful pull of love and attraction.  That overwhelming feeling when you just can’t get that special person out of your mind and heart.  Just the same way I feel about Pauly Shore.

“I love you too, budddddday.”

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TRACK #3:  FOREIGNER- “Hot Blooded”

[BAND PICTURE]

“DOWN WITH SLEEVES!”

I guess you could listen to it here.  If you really wanna…

What you expect:  Laying in the cold bed in the harshly-lit infirmary, the soundtrack to your horrific stay is riddled with coughing and phlegm-filled hacking from fellow bedridden sickies.  Your poor head is throbbing like the Dickens, and your blood is on the verge of boiling right there in your freakin’ veins.  Your now pale complexion is drained of all discernible color and each agonizing minute of this agonizing pain feels one step closer to grim death.

What you get:  A fever of wait… 103°”?!?  Oh for God’s sake.

True, it’s certainly no walk in the park, but that doesn’t necessarily throw you into the depths of certain doom.  It more than likely throws you into a doctor’s office to get some orders to take a few Advil and chug some more liquids.   But you have to pay full price for your office visit because the Obamacare website IS DOWN!!!!   THE HORROR!!!

“STUPID ERROR 404!!!”

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TRACK #4:  CURTIS MAYFIELD- “Freddie’s Dead”

This is how many times Curtis Mayfield’s estate is going to sue me for using his name in this article.

Get down and check it out here.

What you expect:  “One, two, Freddy’s coming for you…” 

You can finally sleep sound as your once-terrorized dreams have become much safer.  Sadistic, striped-sweatered-sleeping slayer, Freddy Krueger, has finally met his maker, as his blood-covered razor-fingers lie next to his putrid, rotting corpse, never to destroy your nightmares again.

He was also mad Curtis Mayfield misspelled his name in the title, but hey, Freddy’s got some anger issues.

What you get:  A song about the death of “Fat Freddie”, a character from 70’s Blaxploitation film, Super Fly (the song appeared on the film’s soundtrack).  That’s what eating at Heart Attack Grill every day will do to ya, Freddie.

“I don’t need you Mayfield, I’ll just make my own song!”

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TRACK #5:  RADIOHEAD- “Creep”

Radiohead is one of my all-time favorites, but this song about the Itsy-Bisty Spider just came off as pretentious.

You don’t belong here, you should be here, listening to this song.

What you expect:  What’s that?   Look outside your window.   Is someone outside?

There’s a full moon out on an icy-cold Halloween eve.  The rustling sounds in the bushes are sending a chill up your spine and making your heart race faster than Miley Cyrus shedding her clothes the second she sees a camera flash.  Is a crazy axe murderer outside?  Maybe a blood-thirsty werewolf?  Terrifying little kids with those orange boxes collecting for UNICEF?!?

What you get:  Oh Thom, you silly goose, you’re not creepy.  We love you, and your lazy-eye, and your weirdo “bacon sizzling in a frying pan” freakout dancing on stage.  False alarm people, false alarm.

Safety tip from Blumes:   Wondering if annoying hipsters have been stalking you from your window?  Look for the empty Pabst Blue Ribbon cans and empty tins of mustache wax littered on the ground. 

“I bought non-perscription glasses with extra-thick frames, just so I could spy on you better.”

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TRACK #6:  CUTTING CREW- “(I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight”

“When we go to the barber, we just say, ‘Gimme whatever semi-modish 80’s hairdo the rest of the band is wearing'”.

Insomniacs rejoice!  Pretend you’re watching a late night “Best Love Song Hits” CD commercial here.

What you expect:  (The closing minutes of a slasher horror movie)– post serial killer attack, lots coughing up blood, gasping for many last breaths, dramatic music, and a final pleading to make it out alive.  Note:  The black guy died early on in the film.  Way to fall into lazy stereotypes, fictional movie that I just made up.

What you get:   Soft rock-   heavy on the soft, light on the rock.  When you’re 45-minutes into a wait at the eye doctor’s office for your semi-annual checkup, reading a wrinkled, old Entertainment Weekly magazine with Ruben Studdard on the cover, this is the ballad that’s likely being played on the radio.  This is the band even Spandau Ballet bullies around while on tour.

“Hey you Cutting Crew fruits, shut up, give us your lunch money and all the crates of mousse that you have.”

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TRACK #7:  THE FUGEES- “Killing Me Softly”

Apparently the ceiling fan was really interesting to stare at.

What you expect:  Under soft candlelight and the comforting crackles of a cozy fireplace, a bewitching murderer cranks up the charm, wining and dining his ill-fated victims seconds before the tapered knife is revealed and the cozy-bearskin rug is horrifically painted with splashes of crimson.

What you get:  A mid-90’s cover of the Roberta Flack hit that the DJ played at our “Class Night” dinner in senior year of high school.  Aside from making me realize that I’m old enough to remember when Pras actually had a career, it’s not really scary.  

Blumes note:  In searching for a picture of Lauryn Hill, the Google search accidentally brought up, “Lauren, Hills”.  This is not Lauryn Hill. 

lauren conrad

“I am so Lauryn Hill! Heidi Montag stole my Grammys, and hid them in her shirt!”

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(The remaining tracks apply to any song by these deceptively scary-sounding artists with not-so scary music…)

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TRACK #8:  ANY SONG BY 10,000 MANIACS

10000

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”– George Carlin

Go ahead, be 10,001 right here.

What you expect:  In 1964, a splatter film, Two Thousand Maniacs! was released.  A film “gruesomely stained in blood color!” about Yankee tourists humiliated and hacked to bits by murderous rednecks in the Deep South (the film was remade 40 years later by Robert “Freddy Krueger” Englund” as 2001 Maniacs).  This band must be FIVE TIMES more insane than that!  Scary math!  

What you get:  Nope.  This band should’ve been called, “10,000 White People Who Shop at Banana Republic”, and even then, the math is still very suspect.  And I shop there too.

mtv news

“Breaking MTV News! Natalie Merchant buys ANOTHER wool jacket!”

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TRACK #9:  ANY SONG BY FINE YOUNG CANNIBALS

fyc

FINE. YOUNG. CANNIBALS. —– I basically can find three things wrong with that name.

Don’t drive yourself crazy, relive the 90’s here.

What you expect:  Hannibal Lecter with a Fender Strat and the most bizarre tour rider ever (when he requests an “Arnold Palmer”, you can be sure he’s not talking about the beverage).

What you get:  Probably the most misleading name on this whole list, these 90’s one-hit-wonders conjure up the image of an opening act for Slayer, constantly headbanging and hair-swirling to legions of fans, with beer in their bellies and their tattooed fists in the air.  How many teenagers were forbid from picking up this CD (no doubt in one of these old-fashioned longbox compact disc packages), due to their frightening-sounding name?

More like “Can’t-ibbals”, AMIRIGHT?!?

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TRACK #10:  ANY SONG BY THE KILLERS

Blumes note: The original name of The Killers was “Hans Solo and Three Disinterested Guys“.

You know the drill.

What you expect:  The prison jug band Charles Manson put together.

What you get:  Incredibly popular 21st Century Las Vegas-based alternative band who took their moniker from a New Order video, which may be the least-terrifying way to name your band.   Take it from me and my new band, Blumes Monday, whose new album will be out in 2016.

manson

“I don’t care what The David Berkowitz Trio says, we’re headlining BOTH prison festivals this year- Co-Cell-a, and Jail-apalooza.  I’m not crazy, I’m God.  YOU’RE crazy.”

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TRACK #11:  ANY SONG BY MURDER BY DEATH

Hip-hip-hooray for ½-priced day at Pocket Watches ‘Я Us!

Take a break from all that candy eatin’ and listen here.

What you expect:  Well, basically, the band who’d be opening for Fine Young Cannibals, who are opening for Slayer.   Murder and death in one band name?  Bloody Halloween metal up yo tuckus!

What you get:  This talented Bloomington, Indiana-based indie act, with a highly-deceiving name taken a 1976 Robert Moore whodunit comedy, summons the uncanny sound of folky alt-country, drenched in a whiskey-soaked marriage of Johnny Cash and Nick Cave, all taking place in a haunted 19th-Century saloon.

Actually, maybe this would fit in well, tell me this isn’t the stuff October nightmares are made of…

Johnny Cash says, “Catpy Halloween!

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Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Halloween, Humor, Music, Pop Culture, Retro

Mary Jane Candies: The Journey from Plant to Your Garbage Can

By Andrew Blumetti

The most perfectly wrapped cow chips money can buy!

It all starts with an innocent peanut.

Just an ordinary peanut growing in the sun-drenched fields, not much unlike any of the other millions of potential allergy-ruiners that reside on the fertile farmland soil.

It never hurt anyone, never caused a problem, never made a scene, but hey brotha, sometimes, fate just deals you a crap hand, and the next thing you know, you’re being picked up faster than a tequila-filled college sophomore on spring break by a guy in a non-ironic John Deere cap.

From legume to leDOOM!

From there, it’s just a quick slide straight down crap mountain as that simple peanut who was just kicking back on the soil soon endures the fate of an unfortunate Jigsaw victim in Saw IV, V or VI, being roasted, toasted, and grinded into a deliciously gooey paste.

“Hello peanut, I want to play a game.”

Let’s get to seasoning–  toss in some salt, a dash of sweetener, jar it, pop a lid on that sucker and this once fresh peanut, full of potential and possibility, is now part of something bigger and something even more tasty:  your favorite two words, and mine–  peanut butter.

…but with that title comes infinite possibilities or infinite doom:

pb

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Meanwhile, somewhere sweeter…

In a secret lab which just has to be run by old ladies in supportive knee-high hose, sugarcane or sugar beets are getting a once-over of their own, refined and turned into sweet, sticky, syrupy mess, more popularly known as molasses.

You know the stuff.  It’s got the pitch-black color of the heart of a teacher who gives you homework over Christmas break, it’s sweeter than the last three minutes of an episode of Full House, and moves about as fast as a tired sloth full of NyQuil.

“zzzzzzzloth”

Not an item that typically ends up at the top of your shopping list, molasses is oddly enough, the unheralded star of some of your favorite eats.  Without it, certain barbecue sauces, desserts, beers, and rum just wouldn’t have the same taste.  Heck, in a pinch, molasses can even help remove the rust from the hood of your old ’93 Pontiac your weird uncle sold you.

…and about a century ago, this marriage is where things went horribly, horribly wrong.

Just two years after the disastrous sinking of the Titanic, the world was met with another horror, this time one of the candy kind.  In 1914, The Charles N. Miller Company decided to Frankenstein us all, adding peanut butter and molasses together. And much like the destructive giant green monster, sparks flew, wires had gone berserk, everything went awry and this abominable creation was bestowed upon us:

Ladies and gentlemen, the Mary freakin’ Jane.

Later owned by Stark Candy Company and currently by classic confectionery outfit, Necco, this taffy sugar candy has lasted over 100 years.   And with that legacy, comes a timelessness, as that maize and red wrapper signals a generationally-beloved goodie to dispense to adorable, grimey-fingered trick-or-treaters who crowd your doorstep come Halloweentime like packs of salivating wolves waiting to pounce on a raw porterhouse.

well…

hmmm…

“Give us one more Mary Jane, and you’re getting a flaming bag of dog poo on your porch!”

yep…

OF COURSE THEY’RE NOT, THEY STINK.

Simply put, Mary Janes are the scourge of the Halloween candy world.

Yes, I’m talking about you.

If you’ve ever spent weeks picking out that perfect costume and hoofing your tired little feet all over the crunchy leaves of the neighborhood, the sweetest reward is coming back home to dump out your obnoxiously huge bag of hard-earned cavity-makers all over the rug to sort them out like some sort of supreme candy god.

Making piles and separating the goods from the not-so goods, here’s a few of the biggest offenders that will soon find a permanent home in your trashcan or chucked at your sister’s head:

 

  • Good & PlentyThe dreadful licorice candy you can fortunately sell to deadheads as pills.                                            

 

  • Non-descript Black and Orange Wrapped Candies I’d start gnawing on drywall for survival before I resorted to these.                                       

 

  • Bit-O-Honey: The candy that makes bees enjoy stinging us.                               

 

…and in that ill-fated batch of not-so-dandy candy, sits that same lone peanut we started with–  mashed, smashed, and forever bound to molasses, with a one-way ticket to the Island of Misfit Candies.

“Nobody wants a Charlie, Mary Jane in the Box!”

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Wow, that’s pretty harsh, right?  That paints a cold, cold picture.  Maybe even I’ve changed my own mind.

So, this October 31st, when you look in your plastic Halloween pumpkin and are sourly disappointed to see you walked up those steep stairs to a old lady’s mothball-ridden doorstep for a half-squashed Mary Jane instead of a colorful pack of delightful M&M’s, maybe it’s time to do some corn-syruped soul searching…

mary jane (candy)

Just think, maybe this could be your arm!

Perhaps there’s someone out there who will love the sweet journey of that poor peanut.  Perhaps there’s a generation who hears “Mary Jane” and instantly doesn’t associate it with potheads sitting in a drum circle.  Perhaps this is just a textbook case candy ageism, and we should respect our sugared elders, giving them a second chance.  And perhaps come November 1st, an open mind will reward us with our new favorite treat.

And if that’s the case, please send me your address so I can mail all of mine to you, cause those things are gross.

HAPPY SNACKING EVERYONE!

Andrew

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Filed under Advertising, Comedy, Food, Halloween, Humor, Retro

Horror Villains Celebrate Halloween: THE SEQUEL!!

Illustrated by Andrew Blumetti

 

 

Just when you thought it was safe to open the door for Snickers-grubbing trick-or-treaters…

 

Sequels are rough, man.  Highly anticipated, but more often than not, they simply can’t catch that “lightning in a bottle” magic that made the original so beloved.

Well, the heck with that noise. 

If you liked part one, well…  here’s another.   In the second part of a three-part series that’s hopefully more Godfather Part II than Sister Act 2, it’s time to lock up your Milky Ways and Twix bars, toss away those horrid Mary Janes, and un-razorblade those apples, cause it’s time for our favorite scaries to take five and have some fun of their own.

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KATIE FEATHERSTON  (Paranormal Activity) as THE CAT IN THE HAT

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BILLY THE PUPPET (Saw) as DOPED-UP LANCE ARMSTRONG

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CAPTAIN SPAULDING (House of 1000 Corpses) as A CHOLO

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MICHAEL MYERS (Halloween) as A DORITOS LOCOS TACO

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SAM (Trick ‘r Treat) as HONEY BOO BOO

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JASON VOORHEES (Friday the 13th) as LUMBERGH FROM OFFICE SPACE

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CHERYL (The Evil Dead) AS A HIPPIE

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HANNIBAL LECTER (The Silence of the Lambs) as AN ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH MODEL

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SAMARA (The Ring) as A HOOTERS WAITRESS

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LEPRECHAUN (Leprechaun) as KNICKS-ERA JEREMY LIN

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Filed under Art, Comedy, Entertainment, Halloween, Humor, Movies, Pop Culture, Retro