Blumes Spoils Movies You (Probably) Don’t Care About!

By Andrew Blumetti

SPOILER NON-ALERT…

“Hooray for Hollywood!”

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that saying is very sweet in theory and it makes for a most-likely terrible tramp stamp tattoo, but in actuality, movies are a business, and to quote Lieutenant Aldo Raine of Inglourious Basterds fame, “…cousin, business is a-boomin’”.

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God, that point is almost shocking when you really think about it.

Why? Because twelve dollars. 

Yes, that’s…

• Twelve George Washingtons
• Two Abe Lincolns and two George Washingtons
• An Alexander Hamilton and two Georgies

Think about all the late, great, famous green presidents and historical figures who need to be sadly plunked down at the box office window for you just to simply step foot into a movie theater.  Add in the second third mortgage it takes to add in a garbage can of popcorn, a swimming pool-sized soda, and a sleeping bag of Twizzlers, and a simple trip to the cinema eventually turns into, “Sorry kids, Mommy and Daddy can’t send you to college because we just had to see Shark Night 3D back in 2011.”

“You got rid of ME to see The Adventures of Pluto Nash?  I cannot tell a lie.  You’re a goober.“

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Add in the aggravation of annoying flat-brim-hatted teens, inconsiderate theater talkers, 3D and IMAX surcharges, and the sci-fi glowing lights of every smartphone giving the dark theater an eerie blue-ish glow straight out of a cemetery, and it’s borderline amazing that Hollywood is still pulling in the billions it does from us theatergoers.

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Not to mention the giant elephant in the room:   For that sickening price, a lot of current flicks range from “meh” to “super meh”. Yes, there’s a lot of junk in that elephant’s trunk, but even more on the big screen.

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Sadly it’s true.  Sure, every given year has its own great triumphs of the cinematic nature, but overall, it’s not too big of a leap to say we’re not currently in any kind of grand 21st Century film Renaissance here.

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Unfortunately, not every film can be Citizen Cane or Annie Hall.  Heck, they all can’t even be City Slickers 2:  The Legend of Curly’s Gold.

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Well, since the judge didn’t say what exactly counts as community service, I hope this counts.   And at least I can save you, the fateful reader, from having to watch these questionable 20-year old films all the way through. Time to spoil…

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You don’t have to thank me now, just don’t forget me next time you go to pick up some Chipotle.

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(Blumes note:  The following is in good fun.  If you enjoy any these films, or if you’re Bruce Willis, I apologize in advance. Sorry Bruce.) 

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ROCK-A-DOODLE (1992)

SYNOPSIS:  Talk about laying an egg!

Uncle Jesse-ish Rooster grows killer pompadour, dons bedazzled jumpsuit, does his worst impression of fatter late-era Elvis.

It actually was pretty accurate as Rock-a-Doodle basically died on the toilet too.  Throw in a storyline about a flood, some cats and add Charles Nelson Rielly’s voice into the mix for good measure.  Shockingly, this didn’t connect with kids.

BOX OFFICE:  $11 million

SPOIL TIME!:  Missing Elvis bird comes back, sings, sun comes up, which can’t be a major surprise, as it’s exactly what Little Orphan Annie said would happen years ago.  The protagonist cat turns back into a person, worlds of humans and talking animals merge.

They would’ve done a sequel, but the animators’ and writers’ hands were too cramped from issuing apology letters to every human on planet Earth.

♪ “Love me (chicken) tender” ♪

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BLANK CHECK (1994)

SYNOPSIS:  Blonde kid in the 90’s who wasn’t Macaulay Culkin mistakenly receives a blank check, fills it in for a million bucks, spends it on junk like slap bracelets, Reebok Pump sneakers, and those CD’s that came in long, cardboard cases.  Mobsters want it back, which correct me if I’m wrong, was the exact same plot to The Godfather Part II, right?

Karen Duffy, Tone Lōc, and the little spaghetti-haired runt from Family Ties (who I wrote about in this article) helped this simple snoozer work its way up to a snoozer of epic proportions.  Trust me, I saw it in theaters.

BOX OFFICE:  $30 million  (…but to be fair, $29, 999, 994 of that wasn’t from my wallet.)

SPOIL TIME!:  FBI traces marked bills being spent by Family Ties kid.  Bumbling mob has a showdown with a 5th grader, and you can take a big fat guess who wins.   With the threatening mob single-handedly toppled by a prepubescent zit-faced tween, the ragamuffin goes home and his family throws him a birthday party.  Kid still isn’t Macaulay Culkin at film’s end.

“Andy wrote a check THIS BIG!  …and he voted Democratic!”

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WELCOME HOME,  ROXY CARMICHAEL (1990)

SYNOPSIS:  Winona Ryder has a wardrobe of 1990’s clothes, career.

She portrays an antisocial ‘lil scamp named “Dinky” who believes former film star, Roxy Carmichael, is her estranged mother.  Jeff Daniels has less messier hair than usual.

BOX OFFICE:  $4 million

SPOIL TIME!:  Break out the Kleenex, cause unfortunately, Dinky is not Roxy’s daughter, they just both have unusual names.  Actually, by the film’s end, we never even see Roxy. No biggie, it would’ve just been Jeff Daniels in drag anyway.

Disappointed by this news, Dinky ends up with a popular guy from school who never realizes he’s dating a girl named Dinky.  Thanks to Mermaids, this is actually not the worst film she releases in 1990.

“Roxy, you’re a sweet gal, but I requested Breyer’s ice cream, not Dreyer’s.  Learn to listen.”

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DR. GIGGLES  (1992)

SYNOPSIS:  Son of a wacky doctor returns to seek revenge for Obamacare.  Or something…

There’s a girl with a heart condition, hacked-up simple townsfolk, and a spooky house of mirrors.  Pretty much standard fare for a slasher flick… but with Doug E. Doug in it, so… win/win. (Of course if they changed the definition of “win”.)

For a more competent doctor, I’d suggest either Pepper or Dre.

BOX OFFICE:  $8 million

SPOIL TIME!:  Giggles, who has slashed up the stupid town, is killed by a teenager with a heart condition with defibrillators and surgery tools because movies.

He then lifts his scrubbed-leg and pees all over the fourth wall, making the cardinal sin of looking straight into the camera, addressing the already-annoyed viewer, and puking out the cringe-worthy line, “Is there a doctor in the house?” before finally croaking.  Ruin your day and experience it for yourself.

Here’s the real spoiler- no one answers cause they fell asleep ten minutes into this diaper-filler.

“Say Ahhh-wful”

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LOOK WHO’S TALKING NOW! (1993)

SYNOPSIS:   Remember when John Travolta had a most-welcomed comeback as a strung-out, $5 milkshake-drinking hitman in 1994’s smash, Pulp Fiction?  Well, this dud one of those things he had to come back from.

The babies have grown up, so of course the dogs talk. PETA actually considered being in this film akin to animal cruelity. Kirstie Alley was splashed with cans of red paint which she quickly learned the hard way was definitely not delicious ketchup.

And last, but certainly not least, a prolific appearance by the “Round Mound of Rebound” himself, Mr. Charles Barkley.

Jordan may have been the star of Space Jam, but on set, portly Chuck was known as “Space Ham”. 

BOX OFFICE:  $10 million

SPOIL TIME!:  Dog voiced by Danny DeVito (yet slightly taller) saves lives!   Wolves are scared by beeper sounds, dating this film in a way that only freakin’ beeper sounds could.  By the end, I could’ve sworn the dog voiced by Diane Keaton was wearing a frumpy hat and clunky shoes.

A happy ending reunites the whole clan, as opposed to Happy Endings the show, who’s cancellation separated their whole clan.  I kick myself for seeing this one before the first two Look Who’s Talking movies.

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CUTTHROAT ISLAND  (1995)

SYNOPSIS:  (From IMDB)  A female pirate and her companion race against their rivals to find a hidden island that contains a fabulous treasure.

At the time, the film’s star, Geena Davis, was married to Renny Harlin, the film’s director.  They divorced three years later.

Yes, this film was so bad, it literally broke up a marriage.

BOX OFFICE: $10 million

SPOIL TIME!:   Surprise!  The audience is treated to a walk off the plank into shark infested waters.  Which is much less painful than sitting through the rest of the film.

Cutthroat Island, the video game?  More like video lame. Wokka wokka.

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HUDSON HAWK (1991)

SYNOPSIS:  Finally, one of the most notorious box office bombs of the 90’s. Oddly this might actually might have the distinction of being the best film mentioned here today.

Action hero, Bruce Willis, plays Hudson Hawk, a cat burglar who is blackmailed by the mob (likely the same mob from Blank Check) to steal pieces of valuable art.  To ruin any chance of audience enjoyability, he and Danny Aiello sing as well.

Why this didn’t break $100 million at the box office is beyond me.

BOX OFFICE:  $17 million

SPOIL TIME!:  Hudson Hawk kills bad guy, drinks cappuccino.   Sorry Hawk, you were twenty years too early for Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Starbucks’ new slogan:  “Officially NOT featured in Hudson Hawk!”

Blumes note:  I’ve actually passed by Danny Aiello a couple times at the supermarket, and I’ve been too intimidated to bring this movie up to him for fear of being viciously beaten up.

…Next time Andrew, next time.

“Don’t you interrupt me when I’m picking out Chips Ahoy, punk!”

Holy Batcrap! Batman Forever was Pure Guano

By Andrew Blumetti

Na na na na na na na na …. SATIRE!!!

Congratulations Ben Affleck, you broke the freakin’ internet.

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THE BAD NEWS:  It’s been nearly three weeks since comic book fanboys’ heads simultaneously exploded into a giant pile of goo upon the news that Ben Affleck would don the black cowl as beloved superhero, Batman, in the 2015 follow-up to Zack Snyder’s Superman tale, Man of Steel.

THE GOOD NEWS:  Shockingly, not one date with an actual girl had to be cancelled because of it.

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All hoopla aside, Affleck honestly doesn’t seem like a terrible choice per say, but perhaps it’s just a bit too soon to let another Bruce Wayne into our lives.

So, since we all have to live together for the next two years, maybe there’s hope yet to temper all those Batfans’ historical hissy fits and uncalled-for attacks against the innocent Aflac Duck.

Stop egging my house!  You’ve got the wrong guy!  

 

How will I accomplish this daunting task you say?

Well, thank you for asking, this article would go nowhere without it.  Here, take my hand (you don’t actually have to) and follow me for a walk down Bat-movie memory lane. Look a little closer, and you’ll see, when you don’t reminisce with rose-colored glasses, it could be worse…

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Let’s take flight with Batman: The Movie, the 1966 film adaptation of the popular Adam West Batman series.  It’d be over two decades before we’d see the Caped Crusader on the big screen again, as 1989 brought us Tim Burton’s Batman, the original big-name blockbuster with Michael Keaton as the title character and anchored by Jack Nicholson’s landmark performance as The Joker.  Its sequel, 1992’s Batman Returns, was the darker and disturbingly satisfying follow-up to the Gotham tale.  Things took a massive turn to Stupidville with 1997’s Batman & Robin—  the jalopy clunker on a massive scale, an all-too obvious red-headed stepchild that all involved are still trying to sever ties with.

The franchise rebooted eight years later in 2005 with Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins, a critically-celebrated origin story of Bruce Wayne’s ascent to Gotham’s dark savior.  2008’s follow-up, The Dark Knight, was the golden goose of the bunch–  a box office sensation, an across-the-board success with critics, and Academy Award winner, bringing home an Oscar for the late Heath Ledger’s hypnotic performance as the clown prince of crime.  The last piece of the puzzle was revealed with 2012’s The Dark Knight Rises, an epic and interwoven rollercoaster ride which capped off Nolan’s gritty and uncompromising trilogy.

In just five short years, The Dark Knight has been regarded as the apex of what comic book films can aspire to be, but on the other side of the coin, it’s Batman & Robin that is universally vomited at, the true rotten tomato.

The 1997 flick was a flop of Gigli proportions (I’m looking at you again Affleck), complete with bat ice skates, a “Bat Visa card”, and more putrid Mr. Freeze puns than you can shake a frozen stick at. A turd in the punchbowl of such epic proportions, it literally cancelled Batman Triumphant, the proposed fifth film in the series.  Unfortunately, Speed 2 had already tested the public’s already-thin patience on garbage sequels that year, and Planet Earth was not amused, giving the film the ultimate cold shoulder.

(Crap!  Now I’m freeze-punning.)

But let’s not forget, the Fonz needed to ramp up speed before the big launch… in other words, you gotta find that launching pad to jump over the shark somewhere.

Enter 1995’s Batman Forever.

Released in the heart of the steamy ’95 summer film season, it was the third film of the Tim Burton-established series, but the first that he was not the director of, and the first to not feature Michael Keaton as the Caped Crusader.  The film was seen as a blatant 180-degree turn from 1992’s austere Batman Returns with its noticeably heightened levels of campiness and slick coating in a healthy sheen of bubblegum comic book whimsy.

While not necessarily a bad film, but Forever??  Really?

Let’s hope that title isn’t literal, because Father Time already has already flipped the off-switch on the bat signal of this lemon.

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Why so serious Val? 

First hurdle–   How to fill those giant fan-favorite Keaton boots?

Hurdle solver– When all the boards of lumber in Home Depot kindly turned down the part, Schumacher found the next best thing– Val Kilmer.

V-Kilm was the lucky actor cast to fill the bat-void following Michael Keaton’s displeasure with the direction of the film following Tim Burton’s exit.  He accepted the part, script unseen, and Warner Bros. signed him with little hesitation as Kilmer’s name came with a strong resume and proven box office results–  His role as Jim Morrisson in Oliver Stone’s The Doors earned universal critical acclaim, as did his portrayal as cowboy gunslinger, Doc Holliday, in the 1992 hit, Tombstone.

“Dear Val,

Considering I played Batman for nearly half the film, you owe me half your paycheck.  You’ll hear from my lawyer soon. 

Sincerely,

Foam head in a Batman mask”

Harsh?  Maybe, but c’mon, rarely has a more stiff on-screen performance been given by just a visible pair of lips and a chin.  Granted, historically, a bubbly personality has never been The Dark Knight’s forte, but propped-up corpse, Bernie, from Weekend at Bernie’s had much more panache.

It’s also been reported Kilmer was allegedly a terror on set, often butting heads with Schumacher and crew.

…and the batsuit created for Batman and Robin often gets the blame for the infamous and very unnecessary “bat nipples”, but this Batman Forever bat-nip-slip-pic’s worth a thousand words.

“Commissioner Gordon said he’d pierce them for me for free!”

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RIDDLE ME THIS!! 

– What’s sillier and less necessary than Bat nipples?

Well that answer is Robin nipples.

– Now riddle me this!  What’s sillier and less necessary than Robin nipples?

Well, that’d be the dingus attached to them, Robin.

There’s a reason Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale both stated their strong stance against including the Boy Wonder in the grittier Dark Knight trilogy.

He lays an egg.

(rimshot)

“Holy donuts Batman, now there’s puns about ME!”

 

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Between acting and reaching things on high shelves for then-husband, Tom Cruise, the 90’s were a crazy whirlwind for Nicole Kidman.

Given that fact, she’ll only get half the blame for playing Dr. Chase Meridian, a psychologist who falls in love with both a billionaire playboy and his black rubber suit secret persona.

Through only minor fault of Kidman, the weak-written Chase Meridian was instantly forgettable, as she lacked the sultry charisma of Michelle Pfeiffer’s Selina Kyle or the ear-shattering vocal pipes of Kim Basinger’s Vicki Vale.

Blumes note:  According to Wikipedia, “Her name is a play on words; as a psychologist in love with Batman/Bruce Wayne, she is constantly “chasing” the psychological “middle” of her lover, Bruce Wayne/Batman, seeking to reconcile his two halves into one complete lover.”*

*I am not responsible for any vomit that may have hit your computer while reading that drivel. 

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Here is the first of the two Bat-foes in Foe-ever Forever–  coin-flippin’, split personality ruffian, Two-Face, portrayed by Academy Award winner, Tommy Lee Jones.

Yes, this was the man deemed exciting enough to play a villain that wore a “Peg Bundy on crack” suit, complete with a tie that all too closely resembles Fred Flintstone’s giant cheetah-print moo-moo.

Blumes Trivia:  To make said half of said animal-print suit, costume designers broke into a zoo, captured and killed:

1. A leopard

2. A zebra

3. A different kind of pink zebra

4. Your fat drunk uncle in NFL Zubaz gear

Decked out with a freakishly sour makeup job that resembles something out of Troll 2, Two-Face represents the ying and yang of the human psyche and the criminal mind, blah, blah, blah…

Secretly, what we were all wondering is how Billy Dee Williams (who played Harvey Dent in 1989’s Batman) magically turned into a white guy to play the evil Two-Face in this film.

I’m as shocked as you are that this guy was able to catch The Fugitive.

 

“We’re upset we weren’t considered for Two-Face’s neon-gun toting, spandex wearing thugs.”

                                                                                                                                          -The Village People

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BREAKING NEWS!   With 95% of the precincts reporting, we can confidently report that the winner of this year’s “Most Painfully Flamboyant Costume” goes to: 

(wait for it…)

THE FLYING GRAYSONS!

Come up and accept your award!  You’ve earned it!

Ohhhhhhhh no.  Cut to commercial!

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A glow stick?!? Get out of Gotham and go back to your rave Drew Berrymore.

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Batman Forever Topps candy!

This was the second highest selling snack of the year, right behind “Showgirls Snickers”, but just ahead of  “Se7en’s What’s in the Box?!?  Milk Duds”.

Blumes Note:  If you can stomach 18-year old novelty candy, a cool four bucks will currently score you a set of these on eBay.

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… and last but certainly least, every red-blooded female’s dreamboat in spandex, Mr. Jim Carrey, as the puzzling punctuation-printed prince of poppycock, The Riddler, who almost lost the part…

To this guy…

“My ampersand tuxedo is at the dry cleaners!”

 

Jason Vorhees may have slaughtered camps, and Ernest may have gone to one, but in Batman Forever, Jim Carrey brought the camp, and he brought it hardcore. His slapstick shtick, madcap Robin Williams-on-caffeine antics, and overall Jim Carreyness seemed miles and miles away from the monochromatic, gray gothic world Tim Burton erected during his tenure manning the USS Batman .

…and just in case you forgot The Mask, Ace Ventura, or Dumb and Dumber, Jim Carrey wants to remind you he can make Silly Putty-ish faces…

again…

and again…

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Lemons, brace yourself… you’re about to become lemonade…

It’s often been said a blind squirrel will occasionally find a nut, and lucky for us,  Batman Forever’s soundtrack was an acorn hiding under a soggy leaf.

Despite rampant overplaying on radio and MTV, Seal’s “Kiss From a Rose”  was the marquee song, but between U2’s hit “Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me”, plus tracks by PJ Harvey, Sunny Day Real Estate, Mazzy Star, Massive Attack, The Flaming Lips, The Offspring and Nick Cave, who had time to listen to Mr. Ex-Heidi Klum anyway?

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Well, that’s it folks.

Despite the blogular swirley it just received, perhaps we should be thanking Batman Forever.  Without it causing the proverbial wheels to fall off the original franchise, we wouldn’t eventually have been rewarded with Christopher Nolan’s superb Dark Knight trilogy a decade later.

And if you think I’m being a bat-bully and too hard on the movie, don’t worry… Confession time- I still own it on VHS.

Yes, I know it’s shocking that I’m still single.

 

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– Will there ever be another Bat film like it? 

– Will we ever have to suffer through Robin again? 

– Are Billy Dee Williams and Tommy Lee Jones related?  Are Tommy Lee Jones and Tommy Lee related?

– Will Ben Affleck call Val Kilmer for advice on the role?  

– Will anyone buy the old eBay candy? 

Find out next time… SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT CHANNEL…

BAM!   POW!   KAPLOP!   ZWOG!    GNOSH!   STINKAROO!

Tarantino’s Wuss Pack

By Andrew Blumetti

Quentin Tarantino (tærənˈtiːnoʊ), noun:  One of the most prolific, controversial and popular film directors of the past two decades.  His over-the-top smattering of grindhouse ultra-violence, 70’s throwback nostalgia, dialogue-heavy scenes and non-linear story telling has captivated movie goers from east to west and north to south, and back to east again.

Mr. Tarantino’s given us quite the array of characters in his seven (or eight if you split the Kill Bills) major motion pictures.  Unsavory, immoral, and entertaining as the night is long, their bigger-than-life personalities jump out from the screen, grab us by the scruff of the neck, and demand our attention.

…and I wouldn’t like to run into any of them in a dark alley any day (but to be fair, I wouldn’t want to be in a dark alley anyway.  It’s a breeding ground for puddles and gum to get stuck on the bottom of your shoe).

Lucky for me though, the way the world works, things often balance out.  For every Mr. Blonde, Pai Mei, or Hugo Stiglitz that makes us wet our collective britches in fear, there’s gotta be some lightweights shuffling around in Queint’s flicks… and I’ll take my chances with them in a dark alley anytime.

I now present, “The Top Ten Tarantino Non-Toughies I Could Probably Take in a Fight”

(much like old sour cream in the toasty July sun, the following is NOT spoiler-free)

1. Mr. Blue (Reservoir Dogs, 1992) portrayed by Eddie Bunker

The ‘Dogs resident seasoned vet with that impressive ‘stache and psycho gleam in his eyes.  Now, he’d probably have me eating red-hot lead within seconds, but considering I was 12 when this movie came out, and he was old then, I think he may be the only one of the colored-named criminals in the bunch I could’ve held my own against.

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2. Brett (Pulp Fiction, 1994) portrayed by Frank Whaley

One of the four clowns who decided to screw over Band-aided crime kingpin, Marsellus Wallace, Brett is actually a whiter guy than me, which I never thought possible.  His ability to get rubber-mouth under pressure, and the fact that he eats cheeseburgers for breakfast sure puts the odds in my corner.

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3. Buck (Kill Bill- Vol. 1, 2003) portrayed by Michael Bowen

The creepy orderly in the hospital who had a gross on-the-side business dealing with coma patients.  This immoral entrepreneurial weirdo met his eventual fate from a fresh out-of-coma patient with dead legs, so that’s gotta put me in a good spot.

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4. Warren (Death Proof, 2007) portrayed by Quentin Tarantino

In a film full of mostly tough adrenaline-seeking women who’d whoop me in a heartbeat, I had to find one of the few fellas in the latter half of Grindhouse to pick.  Now, if I couldn’t at least go toe-to-toe with a cornball bartender (played by Quentin himself) who pushes a drink called “Chartreuse”, then it’s time to hand in my man-card.

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5. Master Sgt. Wilhelm (Inglourious Basterds, 2009) portrayed by Alexander Fehling

Guten tag!  A German soldier given the night off to celebrate the birth of his son, Wilhelm’s crap timing finds himself smack dab in the middle of a firefight inside a Parisian pub.

Sure, he’s a Nazi, and sure, he’s experienced with heavy artillery, but the guy and his fellow soldier comrades seem like sloppy drunks, like Jersey Shore-ish drunk.  And if there’s one time Andrew can successfully pull off a strike, it’s when battling against the very inebriated.  That’s why I’d be so good at fending off zombies, they’re just like decaying cannibalistic drunks.

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6. Larry Gomez (Kill Bill- Vol. 2, 2004) portrayed by Larry Bishop

I do feel bad putting anyone on this list who’s been in Kung Fu, Laverne and Shirley and The Dukes of Hazzard, especially someone who made me laugh so much in the second Kill Bill installment.

He spent his lone five minutes in the film snorting coke with a trashy exotic dancer and chewing out Michael Madsen for being late to work, so outside of those five minutes, he’d probably beat the everloving cake out of me, so strike when the iron is hot.

I bet he’d enjoy my Sylvester Stallone article though, seeing as he kinda looks like him.

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7. Mark Dargus (Jackie Brown, 1997) played by Michael Bowen

I’m really banking this list on the fact that Michael Bowen’s got a glass jaw, cause otherwise, I’m toast.

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8. “The Gimp” (Pulp Fiction, 1994) portrayed by Stephen Hibbert

This leather wearing, zipper-mouthed freak basically went down in one stealth hit by a just-out-of-a-car-accident Bruce Willis.  Despite his creepy mask, “The Gimp” doesn’t necessarily instill much fear, seeing as he was tethered on a leash the whole time, and I’m highly suspect that Jim Belushi is actually under that costume.

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9. Francesca Modino’s poodle (Inglourious Basterds, 2009)

Here we have the prissy dog of the prissy Francesca Modino (Julie Dreyfus), the French-to-German interpreter to Head of Propaganda in Germany, Joseph Goebbels.  Naturally, fighting animals is a big no-no (I really don’t want PETA getting all huffy and puffy, protesting to shut down my blog and toss red paint over computer screens nationwide),  but I’d put the over/under at me beating this dog at a foot race at about 65/35.

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10.  Billy Crash (Django Unchained, 2012) portrayed by Walton Goggins

Cowboys are the true classic American-definition of “manly”.  They’re gruff, tough, and I’m guessing their sweat smells like a leather couch from Crate and Barrel.

Billy Crash may have been quick with the six-shooter and wore a pretty sweet hat, but he was all talk, with nothing to back it up when push comes to shove.  Basically he’s kind of like a slavery-era cowboy version of every single stupid bully in every single stupid after-school special that ran in lieu of Duck Tales.

Man, I hated those.