Tag Archives: Hooters

The Seven Deadly Sins of Bill Cosby

By Andrew Blumetti  Bill Cosby

This blog has gone off a cliff.

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GLUTTONY

 

“Well, here, I had the taaaaasty ham sammich, and the mustard was just bippity baaa gooood. 

Ya see… the chippppps, they’re the ruffled, kinda like Theo’s hair, DAAAA, and the shirt with the leiiiii… well it’s like Hawaii! with the belly dancers and the volcanoes and it’s too warm for ma’ sweaters!  DAAAAA” 

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SLOTH

 

“Ahh, look at sleeeepy Billllll. 

Well, what happened here, I had a long night the day before this.  Little Rudy, ya remember HER?  Well, her little mustache keep collecting the FLOP SWEAT!  Baaaaa!  The bright lights, ya seeeee, they kept glistening off her little whiskerrrrs, and zippity zop bop, we had to keep filming My Bill Show late into the nighttttt!  Daaa…” 

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PRIDE

 

“My showwww.   Bippity zip, man ya know I was the firrrst black guy on the TV!  I did the Picture PAAAAAAges, with the Mortimer Ichabod Marker.  He was squeakier than my old shoes!  Bip bobbity… 

Ya know what time ma’ watch says?  It says it’s the bibbity booop blorp!  BAAAAAA.”

 

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ENVY

“That stupid Urkel kid! – that showwww was the stupid! 

He just sat there with the snortin’ and bortin’ and the hip bob bibbity boo zopp, with the pants up to his stupid kid nipples.  I can’t believe they stayed on the air, and ‘ol Bill got thrown in the garbage like a used Kodak Film box. DAAAAA.”

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LUST

“I went to TEMPLEEEEE.  The UNIVERSITTTY!  And nobody beats the Owls.  Except for the Penn, who’s sweatshirt I got on.  …and these fine young trackleetes from The University of the Tennessee. 

Boppidy bop!  I wore my best sweatpants to impress ‘em and hopefully get them the pregnant!  They had the orange shorts and I thought I was at the Hooooooters!   I said, ‘I’ll have some Buffalo wings with the hot sauceee!’  DAAAAA…” 

(Blumes note:  Bill later settled undisclosed lawsuits with both of these unfortunate girls who claimed Mr. Cosby encroached upon them, asking  “You want Dr. Huxtable to help you deliver the baby?!?”)

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GREED

“GHOST DADDDD!!! DAAAAA!!!  Biggest hit of the summer of 1990!!  And the second most successful film from that calendar year with the word ‘Ghost’ in the title

I got lots of the dead prezzies to play a dead guy.  Ghost Bill was zoobity zip zip!  I came back with my TOP HAT and the zipppty and the zorp and the kids wanted to play with ‘ma briefcase!  Frizzle frazzle!” 

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WRATH


“Well, the chubby kid, ya see, he ate all my puddin’ POPPPPPS. 

The little porker, well he got what was comin’ to him.  He’s eatin’ ma’ foooood instead listening to the jazz music!  I dropped him on the floor, and he fell on Lisa Bonet!  DAAAA   Zippity zip zorp bop!  Ya know what?  That little meatball never touched ma’ food again!  He knew Bill had the boppity bip zaaa!!!”

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Editor’s Note:  Bill Cosby said every single word on here.  Truth.

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Horror Villains Celebrate Halloween: THE SEQUEL!!

Illustrated by Andrew Blumetti

 

 

Just when you thought it was safe to open the door for Snickers-grubbing trick-or-treaters…

 

Sequels are rough, man.  Highly anticipated, but more often than not, they simply can’t catch that “lightning in a bottle” magic that made the original so beloved.

Well, the heck with that noise. 

If you liked part one, well…  here’s another.   In the second part of a three-part series that’s hopefully more Godfather Part II than Sister Act 2, it’s time to lock up your Milky Ways and Twix bars, toss away those horrid Mary Janes, and un-razorblade those apples, cause it’s time for our favorite scaries to take five and have some fun of their own.

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KATIE FEATHERSTON  (Paranormal Activity) as THE CAT IN THE HAT

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BILLY THE PUPPET (Saw) as DOPED-UP LANCE ARMSTRONG

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CAPTAIN SPAULDING (House of 1000 Corpses) as A CHOLO

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MICHAEL MYERS (Halloween) as A DORITOS LOCOS TACO

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SAM (Trick ‘r Treat) as HONEY BOO BOO

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JASON VOORHEES (Friday the 13th) as LUMBERGH FROM OFFICE SPACE

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CHERYL (The Evil Dead) AS A HIPPIE

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HANNIBAL LECTER (The Silence of the Lambs) as AN ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH MODEL

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SAMARA (The Ring) as A HOOTERS WAITRESS

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LEPRECHAUN (Leprechaun) as KNICKS-ERA JEREMY LIN

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Filed under Art, Comedy, Entertainment, Halloween, Humor, Movies, Pop Culture, Retro

Fridge Over Troubled Water!– Food That Looks Like Simon & Garfunkel

By Andrew Blumetti

(insert obnoxious microphone feedback)

Testing, testing… Hello hello all!

Let me be the first to wish a very happy Wednesday to all reading.

So how are all you excellent people in Blogland doing?   If I may say so myself, you’re all looking extra fantastic, as I hope this late September day is treating you not just super, but super-duperly.

I realize the title to this post seems particularly odd, (even by the standards of a blog that featured posts about both Kato Kaelin and Frankenberry last week) but your good buddy Blumes would like to have a split second of your time, to ask a quick favor of you.

Just a simple show of hands will do the trick, and we can get this show on the road.

Everyone currently reading who’s played a show at the famous Great Lawn in Central Park to half a million adoring fans, please raise your hand.

Ok, put your hand down you wisenheimers.

well, unless you happen to be Paul Simon or Art Garfunkel, then by all means leave it up.

But I highly doubt that’s the case here though, Garfunkel is only a casual reader of my blog at best.

(In order of ascending height:  Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel, a fern, Art Garfunkel’s ‘fro.) 

The classic folk-pop duo of Simon & Garfunkel are universally heralded as one of the quintessential music acts of the 1960’s–  a decade already chock full of some of the most iconic and critically acclaimed music ever created.

They will forever be synonymous with 1967’s Dustin Hoffman-riffic cinematic gem, (wait… sorry, I meant this one) The Graduate, and sculpting the soundtrack of a changing generation at a turbulent time in American history, whose sugary-sweet harmonies, catchy-as-a-cold choruses, and gently strummed guitar chords resonate with listeners nearly five decades later.

Yes, simply stated, a man with a head of Brill-on-growth-hormones and his foot-shorter band-mate are truly an American musical treasure whose majestic voices will be their everlasting legacy.

The Hamburglar… UNMASKED!

Well, the general rule of this absurd blog is to take something of grandeur, unspeakable talent, and immense cultural success and pretty much give it a sloppy boys’ room swirlie and lower it to a fourth-grade level of humor.

So without any further koo-koo-ka-choo-ado, I now present “art of Art”…  a treat for both the ear and taste buds.  Let’s put the fun in Garfunkel, cause it’s…

“FOOD THAT LOOKS LIKE SIMON & GARFUNKEL”

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COURSE #1:  LEAVES THAT ARE GREEN

Sad but true, none of us are getting any younger, and as time goes by, we just can’t gobble down delicious Burger King every night anymore like we used to.  Do your aching body a favor and start your meal off right with nature’s vitamin-filled gift to us: healthy, fresh picked vegetables.

Plus, this veggie version of Simon and Garfunkel can help us remember the salad days of meaningful fork… err… folk rock.

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COURSE #2:  STILL CRAZY AFTER ALL THESE BEERS!

For those of you who scoff at the idea of a boring healthy salad, we’ve got a deep-fried treat for you…

Kick back at your favorite watering hole, order an ice-cold bottle of suds, some steaming hot Buffalo wings, and enjoy the kickoff in high-style with this tasty Sim-Funk treat.  Just make sure your favorite team doesn’t Garfumble. 

Blumes note:   Hooters, please call me or Paul Simon to work this idea into a promotion.  Or Hooters waitresses- you can call me too…  either way.


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COURSE #3:  TREATS AT THE SCARBOROUGH FAIR

As Autumn finally takes flight, evening chills kick in, replacing balmy summer’s flip flops and light shorts with warm, cozy sweatshirts and fuzzy slippers.

…but fret not warmth lovers, you don’t have to say adios to summer just yet when there’s this fluffy Garfunkel cotton candy and sticky Simon candy apple to keep you company, reminding you of festive carnival nights, deep into the chilly pumpkin season.

Can’t you just picture the greasy carnies and Tilt-a-Whirl of questionable quality already? 

 

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COURSE #4:  BAKERY BOOKENDS

Cavity alert! 

Notorious stick-in-the-mud, Dr. Oz, might condescendingly wave his junk-food-hating finger to warn you of this code-red caloric duo, but if your sweet tooth can resist this dessert-y Art and Paul, you’ve got more willpower than I do.

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COURSE #5:  THE SALTS OF SILENCE

Q:  What’s drier than the humor of a British-sitcom?

A:  Your parched throat when you scarf down endless handfuls of these delicious folky snacks.

Just don’t forget… once you pop, you can’t stop, especially if it’s these heavenly folded-up types of potato chips.   Simon says:  slow down!


 

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COURSE #6:  I AM A ROCKY ROAD

Now we all know where Joe Dimaggio went… to get some relief for a nasty brain freeze.

Tongue on the roof of your mouth Joe D., tongue on the roof of your mouth!


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Encore! Encore! I mean leftovers!

Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel

“Call me short ONE MORE TIME… I dare ya!”

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Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Food, Humor, Music, Pop Culture, Retro