By Andrew Blumetti
She gives love a bad name.
Correction, make that the worst name.
Much like Carmen Sandiego, I’ve snuck around the world, from Kiev to Carolina, and during that traveled time, I’ve taken down a tally of near billions, and the collected results are as followed:
As a general human population, we all can’t stand Courtney Love.
And honestly, why should we? She’s astonishingly crass, inordinately offensive, and is the proud owner of an un-angelic singing voice that one can only be likened to that of Jonestown cats committing mass suicide.
Simply put, Courtney Love is 10,000 spoons, and all we need is a knife.
But by George, you gotta give that hay-haired nutjob credit where credit is due.
Back when current flavor-of-the-month downward-spiralers, Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes, and Justin Bieber were dooking their silk diapers, Love was already America’s celebrity Titanic. She’s literally the closest thing to the human equivalent of Will Smith’s After Earth we’ve seen with our own two eyes.
But take a second to look at her lengthy track record of awful consistency— we’re talking over twenty years of being a flat-out mess of a person… that’s a train-wreck spanning some part of three decades folks.
Alright, alright, I know what you’re thinking- that’s not really impressive per say, it’s more flat-out jerky. Of course, I can’t blame you for thinking like that.
Feast your eyes on her infamous rap sheet… in Night Court.
So, Why All the Courtney
She spent the majority of the 90’s with more drugs in her system than Tom Hanks in the last half hour of Philadelphia, her estranged daughter, Frances Bean Cobain, won’t give her the time of day, she’s started wars with former members of Nirvana, mounted a failed comeback of her band, Hole (without her band, Hole), and for the cherry on top of this crap sundae, she may or may not have sent a shotgun shell through her late husband’s blonde noggin…
…or so Pat Smear would have you believe.
She’s kicked-up juvenile feuds with Madonna, Marilyn Manson, Billy Corgan, Gwen Stefani, and Kelly Osbourne, abruptly cancelled tours with the breakneck consistency in which Michael Moore cancels diets, and rubbed most likely half the earth’s population the wrong way with her historically sour attitude. Seriously, Gwen Stefani? The poor girl spends half of her free time walking into spiderwebs, let her be.
But if the miserable green Grinch with his curly elf toes in the fluffy Whoville mountain snow, and his (likely unhealthy) sudden heart growth has taught us anything, it’s this: time heals all wounds. Maturation is only natural– Father Time helps us tenderize, and maybe once notoriously-nasty Courtney has sewed up her ripped stockings, 86’ed those rusty heroin syringes in the dumpster, hung up her vomit-covered babydoll dresses, and isn’t that same rageful alterna she-beast anymore.
It’s easy to just assume abrasive Courtney kicks cute puppies, steals loose string beans at the supermarket, and voted for Taylor Hicks to win American Idol… She’s just like that, right?
You wish. Time to open your heart and bust out your Kleenex, because perhaps a 21st Century Courtney Love doesn’t hate, this Love, well, loves.
…and what does Courtney Love, love?
Courtney Love love love…
Courtney Love love Luvs…
Courtney Love love brotherly love…
Courtney Love love Love is…
Courtney Love love Lovie Smith
Courtney Love love “Love Will Keep Us Together”…
Courtney Love love “Love Will Tear Us Apart”…
Courtney Love love Love Boat…
Courtney Love love love bugs…
Courtney Love love crack…
Courtney Love love Love and Basketball…
Courtney Love love Love Guru…
Courtney Love love “Love Shack”…
…so is this really a new and improved Courtney?
We’re with you Dave.