Written and illustrated by Andrew
Holy moly on toast, we’re finally here!
Before our mouths start watering for delicious turkeys and the stores become packed to the brim with mistletoe and holly, we still have enough gas in the tank for one last spooky blast on this lovely October 31st.
But… well… did you notice something is a bit different? Call me nuts, but I’ve got that sinking feeling something just doesn’t feel totally right. Kind of like when Urkel’s voice hit puberty and that squeak of his soon morphed into a sound one would best describe as an alley cat vomiting on top another alley cat vomiting on a hobo being run over by a street sweeper playing Nickelback at full volume.
Let’s do a checklist…
- Bags of candy are ready for the trick-or-treaters? CHECK.
- Is my Halloween display is at full tilt? CHECK.
- Have I now eaten all of said bags of candy, leaving the trick-or-treaters crap outta luck? DOUBLE CHECK.
Well, that survey is clearly air tight… so why does it feel like something’s simply off this October? Reminds me of when they switched Harleys on Boy Meets World for one episode, not thinking we’d even notice.
“Dear Adam Scott, please get me an autograph from Ron Swanson.“
Wait a pumpkin pickin’ minute…
EUREKA! Much like Catherine O’Hara finally realizing she left Kevin McCallister at home by himself for Christmas, it’s hit me!
WHERE’S THE FREAKIN’ McRIB?!?
It’s been an oh-so tasty October tradition for years as those McDonald’s golden arches become a bit
more greasy shinier when our collective mouthbuds salivate in all their fast food barbecue-y glory at the sight of this limited-time-menu item.
Never before have sauce-slathered pork, pickles and onions created such a rabid cult following, as rib-heads chase this high-caloric thing around the country as if Jerry Garcia was wailing away on it with his nine-and-a-half fingers.
Wait, I’M Jerry Garcia?!? Man, am I fried!
Usually, the phantom sandwich nestles it’s way into our beating hearts for just a few short delicious weeks, eventually rushing back into hibernation for another agonizing 11-months that we have to live with just stupid regular food.
In 2012, the Mickey-D’s powers-that-be ponderously decided to delay the McRib’s usual autumn release until December, to strengthen a usually slow-sales period, help anticipation grow, and make Santa even fatter.
So far, the porkless wait is excruciating as this fall seems to be following the same test-your-fast food-patience pattern as last year, although according to Facebook’s McRib Locator, this currently flatlined ribless-autumn may finally have a blip of a heartbeat as elusive scattered McRib sightings have started showing up in select states. Hopefully leading into what hopefully will be a full-scale release before year’s end so I won’t have to keep writing weekly angry letters to the Hamburglar.
So, it makes you wonder… with all this newly-found time off, just how has the McRib been spending his downtime this Halloween season?
Lucky for us, the aggressive paparazzi never sleeps a wink, and being the invasive monsters they are, TMZ happened to snap a few pictures of just what happens when mass-produced pork has the time of its McLife.
Strap in folks, things are gonna get saucy …
- You can believe McRib’s shaking in his boots watching things go bump in the night in during a Paranormal Activity marathon…
- Everyone knows no Halloween season is complete without going all horror punk and blasting some Misfits.
- His playlist:
- “HyRIB Moments”
- “Return of the Fries”
- “We Are 13-Ate”
- One cult following meets another as McRib crossdresses and hits up a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show…
- The horror! Ribby’s spilled his Dunkin’ Donuts pumpkin coffee!!
- Too many Snickers!! C’mon McRib, lay off the Halloween candy!
- Finally, no proper Halloween is complete without spookin’ your McDonald’s brethren as the McRib zombie. Behold… THE WALKING BREAD!!!
Have a safe, happy, and sugary Halloween everyone! It’s been a fun month, and a blast to celebrate with all of you. Catch ya in November!