Tag Archives: Italian

Ladies and Gentlemen: The Worst Menu in America

By Andrew Blumetti

The taste buds of this great nation are as diverse as its many people.

The deep-fried South will give you finger-lickin’ barbecue that’s second to none, steamy Texas is where it’s at for a sizzling slab of seared steer, Maryland’s the place to go for mouth-watering soft-shell crab, head to New Mexico for delicious food with a peppery-Southwestern flair, and ciao! you can’t beat the Big Apple for the best steaming hot pizza around.

However, one thing that is a constant is in this bustling 21st Century world is not everyone has time to spend precious hours preparing a piping-hot homemade meal anymore.  Modern life is life on speed, it’s just too darned busy sometimes, and it’s only increased the amount of new restaurants and take-out that pop up on every single corner, every single day.  All too often, time (or lack thereof) calls for ease to take precedence.  Granted, it’s not the way your sweet, wrinkly granny would’ve done it, but then again, she didn’t spend all day on Instagram and watching DVD marathons of Girls .

Going hand-in-hand with this influx and popularity of restaurants are the amount of pre-folded take-out menus that are feverishly stuffed into your mailbox.  Sure, they come in handy, but let’s be honest– most of the time, they just collect dust till they eventually reach menu heaven.

(Now, cue sentimental background music…)

I come from a small suburban town in northern New Jersey located roughly 20 minutes outside New York City.  It’s not a flashy or busy place, it’s a square mile, consisting of 15,000 people, and essentially our one claim to fame is that a dumpy little hole-in-the-wall pizzeria called, “Pizzaland”, appeared for an instant on the opening credits for The Sopranos every week during the series’ run.

A small suburb is a double-edged sword– the security of living in a safe, small town also brings along a bit of boredom with it.  While not much exciting happens here, I can just thank the take-out gods that the most amusingly bad print-job for a take-out menu was done by an Italian/Mexican (a more truly organic combination has never existed) joint called “Michael’s”.

…and wouldn’t you know, Michael’s (now closed) was also located in my hometown.

Even luckier, I didn’t toss this piece of comedy gold out in the garbage when it was stuffed in my mailbox.  Here’s some photos I snapped.

Now go throw out your brain cells, it’s The Worst Menu in America:

(Sadly, none of these pictures have been altered in any way.)


Well, maybe that opening was a bit harsh. They did work pretty hard there.  They even stayed open to the ungodly hour of 13 PM.

– Gordon Ramsay says, “PURE RUBBISH!!!”


With this lack of enthusiasm, no wonder the place went under:

Gordon Ramsay says, “UTTERLY UNINSPIRED.”


Mmmmm, Snooki’s favorite, “Pasta with Italy”…

Gordon Ramsay says, “$@&!ING STUPID!”


For those of you who enjoy your soup a bit more unusual, you’re crap outta luck…

– Gordon Ramsay says, “PITIFUL.  SIMPLY PITIFUL.”


Close your eyes and make a wish, a sandwish…



Raise your hand if this is making your mouth water as much as mine…

– Gordon Ramsay says, “C’MON!  $#@!ING HOGWASH!”


Tussle that lovable scamp’s hair!



You haven’t lived till you’ve tasted beef tangue, broked pork, salled beer, and Mexicans!

– Gordon Ramsay says, “BLOODY CRAP!”


Usually you “buy one and get one free”, but Michael’s catered to a more aggressive crowd…

Gordon Ramsay says, “YOU’VE GOT TO BE $@#!ING KIDDING ME.”


It’s a little known fact that Forrest Gump used all evil shrimp in his Bubba Gump dishes…

– Gordon Ramsay says, “WHY AM I ON THIS STUPID BLOG ANYWAY?!?”


Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Food, Humor

May the Sauce Be With You: It’s a Star Wars Pizza Party!

A long time ago in an oven far, far away…

By Andrew Blumetti

Ingredients for a Star Wars Pizza:

– dough (warm water, active yeast, flour, salt, olive oil, sugar)

– 1 can of San Marzano tomatoes

– fresh shredded mozzarella cheese

– fresh-picked basil, oregano, with salt and pepper to taste

– optional toppings (pepperoni, sausage, peppers, onions, mushrooms, olives, etc…)

Mix dough ingredients, flatten out, ladle sauce on top, generously sprinkle cheese, add desired toppings and spices and pop that sucka in a 425 degree oven for 15 minutes.  Remove from oven, take your Chewbacca mask off, and enjoy.

WARNING:  I cannot guarantee there will be an actual girl within miles of this thing to actually share it with though.  (Just kidding, no hate mail please.  We all know it’s the Trekkies who have the chick-free parties).

Dig in space buddies!


Hungry you are…


He took a solo slice of pizza. 


The delivery guy took more than 30 minutes, so it cost them no dough:

Q:  How do you ruin your pizza before you even open the box?

A: This is how:


(deep heavy breath) Luke, I am your dinner”


Much like Kevin McAllister, poor Darth was mad no one saved him a plain cheese:


Some people like their ‘za thin and crispy, some like it thick and chewy


The competition here is intense.  The only thing missing is, “Luke, I am your Papa John’s”…




There’s no way on Earth this doesn’t taste heinous…


Lego of that slice!


Wrong party stupid!

(With the exception of the title logo, I don’t own any of these photos, and I don’t have a pizza right now either.  I sure wish one of those two weren’t so.)

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