Inappropriate Movie Moments… in Microsoft Paint, Vol. I

By Andrew Blumetti

You know the old cliched saying– “A picture is worth a thousand words.”  Well, if that ‘ol gem rings true, the next couple of weeks oughta be worth two or three dozen, easy.

Here’s an attempt to contribute to the internet being just a bit more time-wasting.  It’s time to give the typing a rest for a spell as I proudly present to you the first in a series that shows just what happens when some of your favorite cringe-worthy moments ever put to film meets the most groundbreaking technology of 1992.

It’s time for…

INAPPROPRIATE MOVIE MOMENTS… in Microsoft Paint

——————————-

Blumes Spoils Movies You (Probably) Don’t Care About!

By Andrew Blumetti

SPOILER NON-ALERT…

“Hooray for Hollywood!”

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that saying is very sweet in theory and it makes for a most-likely terrible tramp stamp tattoo, but in actuality, movies are a business, and to quote Lieutenant Aldo Raine of Inglourious Basterds fame, “…cousin, business is a-boomin’”.

——————-

God, that point is almost shocking when you really think about it.

Why? Because twelve dollars. 

Yes, that’s…

• Twelve George Washingtons
• Two Abe Lincolns and two George Washingtons
• An Alexander Hamilton and two Georgies

Think about all the late, great, famous green presidents and historical figures who need to be sadly plunked down at the box office window for you just to simply step foot into a movie theater.  Add in the second third mortgage it takes to add in a garbage can of popcorn, a swimming pool-sized soda, and a sleeping bag of Twizzlers, and a simple trip to the cinema eventually turns into, “Sorry kids, Mommy and Daddy can’t send you to college because we just had to see Shark Night 3D back in 2011.”

“You got rid of ME to see The Adventures of Pluto Nash?  I cannot tell a lie.  You’re a goober.“

————————

Add in the aggravation of annoying flat-brim-hatted teens, inconsiderate theater talkers, 3D and IMAX surcharges, and the sci-fi glowing lights of every smartphone giving the dark theater an eerie blue-ish glow straight out of a cemetery, and it’s borderline amazing that Hollywood is still pulling in the billions it does from us theatergoers.

——-

Not to mention the giant elephant in the room:   For that sickening price, a lot of current flicks range from “meh” to “super meh”. Yes, there’s a lot of junk in that elephant’s trunk, but even more on the big screen.

——-

Sadly it’s true.  Sure, every given year has its own great triumphs of the cinematic nature, but overall, it’s not too big of a leap to say we’re not currently in any kind of grand 21st Century film Renaissance here.

——-

Unfortunately, not every film can be Citizen Cane or Annie Hall.  Heck, they all can’t even be City Slickers 2:  The Legend of Curly’s Gold.

——-

Well, since the judge didn’t say what exactly counts as community service, I hope this counts.   And at least I can save you, the fateful reader, from having to watch these questionable 20-year old films all the way through. Time to spoil…

——-

You don’t have to thank me now, just don’t forget me next time you go to pick up some Chipotle.

——-

(Blumes note:  The following is in good fun.  If you enjoy any these films, or if you’re Bruce Willis, I apologize in advance. Sorry Bruce.) 

——————————-

ROCK-A-DOODLE (1992)

SYNOPSIS:  Talk about laying an egg!

Uncle Jesse-ish Rooster grows killer pompadour, dons bedazzled jumpsuit, does his worst impression of fatter late-era Elvis.

It actually was pretty accurate as Rock-a-Doodle basically died on the toilet too.  Throw in a storyline about a flood, some cats and add Charles Nelson Rielly’s voice into the mix for good measure.  Shockingly, this didn’t connect with kids.

BOX OFFICE:  $11 million

SPOIL TIME!:  Missing Elvis bird comes back, sings, sun comes up, which can’t be a major surprise, as it’s exactly what Little Orphan Annie said would happen years ago.  The protagonist cat turns back into a person, worlds of humans and talking animals merge.

They would’ve done a sequel, but the animators’ and writers’ hands were too cramped from issuing apology letters to every human on planet Earth.

♪ “Love me (chicken) tender” ♪

———————————————-

BLANK CHECK (1994)

SYNOPSIS:  Blonde kid in the 90’s who wasn’t Macaulay Culkin mistakenly receives a blank check, fills it in for a million bucks, spends it on junk like slap bracelets, Reebok Pump sneakers, and those CD’s that came in long, cardboard cases.  Mobsters want it back, which correct me if I’m wrong, was the exact same plot to The Godfather Part II, right?

Karen Duffy, Tone Lōc, and the little spaghetti-haired runt from Family Ties (who I wrote about in this article) helped this simple snoozer work its way up to a snoozer of epic proportions.  Trust me, I saw it in theaters.

BOX OFFICE:  $30 million  (…but to be fair, $29, 999, 994 of that wasn’t from my wallet.)

SPOIL TIME!:  FBI traces marked bills being spent by Family Ties kid.  Bumbling mob has a showdown with a 5th grader, and you can take a big fat guess who wins.   With the threatening mob single-handedly toppled by a prepubescent zit-faced tween, the ragamuffin goes home and his family throws him a birthday party.  Kid still isn’t Macaulay Culkin at film’s end.

“Andy wrote a check THIS BIG!  …and he voted Democratic!”

————————————————-
WELCOME HOME,  ROXY CARMICHAEL (1990)

SYNOPSIS:  Winona Ryder has a wardrobe of 1990’s clothes, career.

She portrays an antisocial ‘lil scamp named “Dinky” who believes former film star, Roxy Carmichael, is her estranged mother.  Jeff Daniels has less messier hair than usual.

BOX OFFICE:  $4 million

SPOIL TIME!:  Break out the Kleenex, cause unfortunately, Dinky is not Roxy’s daughter, they just both have unusual names.  Actually, by the film’s end, we never even see Roxy. No biggie, it would’ve just been Jeff Daniels in drag anyway.

Disappointed by this news, Dinky ends up with a popular guy from school who never realizes he’s dating a girl named Dinky.  Thanks to Mermaids, this is actually not the worst film she releases in 1990.

“Roxy, you’re a sweet gal, but I requested Breyer’s ice cream, not Dreyer’s.  Learn to listen.”

————————————————————-

DR. GIGGLES  (1992)

SYNOPSIS:  Son of a wacky doctor returns to seek revenge for Obamacare.  Or something…

There’s a girl with a heart condition, hacked-up simple townsfolk, and a spooky house of mirrors.  Pretty much standard fare for a slasher flick… but with Doug E. Doug in it, so… win/win. (Of course if they changed the definition of “win”.)

For a more competent doctor, I’d suggest either Pepper or Dre.

BOX OFFICE:  $8 million

SPOIL TIME!:  Giggles, who has slashed up the stupid town, is killed by a teenager with a heart condition with defibrillators and surgery tools because movies.

He then lifts his scrubbed-leg and pees all over the fourth wall, making the cardinal sin of looking straight into the camera, addressing the already-annoyed viewer, and puking out the cringe-worthy line, “Is there a doctor in the house?” before finally croaking.  Ruin your day and experience it for yourself.

Here’s the real spoiler- no one answers cause they fell asleep ten minutes into this diaper-filler.

“Say Ahhh-wful”

————————————-

LOOK WHO’S TALKING NOW! (1993)

SYNOPSIS:   Remember when John Travolta had a most-welcomed comeback as a strung-out, $5 milkshake-drinking hitman in 1994’s smash, Pulp Fiction?  Well, this dud one of those things he had to come back from.

The babies have grown up, so of course the dogs talk. PETA actually considered being in this film akin to animal cruelity. Kirstie Alley was splashed with cans of red paint which she quickly learned the hard way was definitely not delicious ketchup.

And last, but certainly not least, a prolific appearance by the “Round Mound of Rebound” himself, Mr. Charles Barkley.

Jordan may have been the star of Space Jam, but on set, portly Chuck was known as “Space Ham”. 

BOX OFFICE:  $10 million

SPOIL TIME!:  Dog voiced by Danny DeVito (yet slightly taller) saves lives!   Wolves are scared by beeper sounds, dating this film in a way that only freakin’ beeper sounds could.  By the end, I could’ve sworn the dog voiced by Diane Keaton was wearing a frumpy hat and clunky shoes.

A happy ending reunites the whole clan, as opposed to Happy Endings the show, who’s cancellation separated their whole clan.  I kick myself for seeing this one before the first two Look Who’s Talking movies.

————————————————-

CUTTHROAT ISLAND  (1995)

SYNOPSIS:  (From IMDB)  A female pirate and her companion race against their rivals to find a hidden island that contains a fabulous treasure.

At the time, the film’s star, Geena Davis, was married to Renny Harlin, the film’s director.  They divorced three years later.

Yes, this film was so bad, it literally broke up a marriage.

BOX OFFICE: $10 million

SPOIL TIME!:   Surprise!  The audience is treated to a walk off the plank into shark infested waters.  Which is much less painful than sitting through the rest of the film.

Cutthroat Island, the video game?  More like video lame. Wokka wokka.

——————————

HUDSON HAWK (1991)

SYNOPSIS:  Finally, one of the most notorious box office bombs of the 90’s. Oddly this might actually might have the distinction of being the best film mentioned here today.

Action hero, Bruce Willis, plays Hudson Hawk, a cat burglar who is blackmailed by the mob (likely the same mob from Blank Check) to steal pieces of valuable art.  To ruin any chance of audience enjoyability, he and Danny Aiello sing as well.

Why this didn’t break $100 million at the box office is beyond me.

BOX OFFICE:  $17 million

SPOIL TIME!:  Hudson Hawk kills bad guy, drinks cappuccino.   Sorry Hawk, you were twenty years too early for Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Starbucks’ new slogan:  “Officially NOT featured in Hudson Hawk!”

Blumes note:  I’ve actually passed by Danny Aiello a couple times at the supermarket, and I’ve been too intimidated to bring this movie up to him for fear of being viciously beaten up.

…Next time Andrew, next time.

“Don’t you interrupt me when I’m picking out Chips Ahoy, punk!”

Three Scare Meals a Day: Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Count Chocula, Boo Berry, and Frankenberry

By Andrew Blumetti

As the once fresh-green leaves begin their inevitable journey to crunchy Orangeland and Yellowville, and the mercury on the thermometer drops while the daily dose of white girls in yoga pants fawning over Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte on Facebook shoots up, there’s no denying it any further ladies and germs-  We are in full autumnal mode.

A season I never was super crazy about as a child, (what red-blooded kid really likes the carefree summer ending and school to start again?) years later, I absolutely love this time of year.

There’s a refreshing crispness to the cool evening air, football season is in full burst, fresh-pressed apple cider is on every shelf, and Halloween season, my favorite holiday, is ramping up speed.   Chock full of creepy haunted houses, blood-curdling horror flicks, just-carved pumpkins, and spooky decorations as far as the eye can see…

…and don’t think your the walls of your local supermarket can keep you safe. 

Rise and shine, wipe the gross eye-gunk out and look twice in the morning, cause your simple breakfast is now in danger.

The “Monster Cereals” have once again been unleashed upon us–  a classic line of cereal created by General Mills, complete with a cult following, found annually on store shelves from September through Halloween.  At one time produced year round, they now are only available seasonally during the fall, just in time to make Tony the Tiger run for the hills and Snap, Crackle and Pop shake in their sugary britches.

———————————-

CHAPTER I:  MEET THE GOBLINS YOU’LL BE GOBBLIN’

COUNT CHOCULA:  Vampires drinking blood is sooo Twilight, cause this fanged-fiend has a Sweet Nosferatooth.  His cape is nearly indistinguishable from his hair, he’s got a Barbara Streisand nose, square buck-teeth fangs, and “hunka-hunka burnin’ love” sideburns that’d make Uncle Jesse green with envy.  Get your daily dose of Bran Stokers!

 

 

BOO BERRY:  Get your spoooooooooooon ready this moaning, cause it’s paranormal snacktivity time when this blueberry ghoul fills your bowl.  While his snazzy bowtie and hat may scream out “1920’s jazz musician”, it’s you who will be screaming when this always-tired looking poltergeist joins you at the breakfast table.

 

FRANKENBERRY:  With all those gears, clocks and whistles on his head, he looks like a steampunker straight out of Victoria’s Secret, but this Pepto Bismol-y hellion is anything but.  Flamboyantly tasty, this strawberry Frankenstein is “igor” to make your breakfast frighteningly delicious.

 

——————————————

CHAPTER II:   HOLY CRAP!  THE LEGEND OF FRANKENBERRY STOOL

Take a trip back to the early 70’s…. Once upon a time, when disco reigned king, lava lamps had yet to become “retro”, and Cher had less fake body parts…

After the introduction of Frankenberry, the bloody-good cereal caused some unexpected and jarring scares to moms and dads nationwide…

As the tale goes, the mad scientists from the spooky lab at General Mills used a certain red dye to give the cereal its trademark color.  Frankenstein had his final revenge on the living as said red dye didn’t fully break down in the human body, and the pinkish scare parents received during potty time became an unintended hilarious result infamously known as “Frankenberry stool”.

The braintrust at General Mills wisely decided this “my cereal’s turning my poop red” press wasn’t a wise marketing move, and have since changed the boo poo formula to a more stomach-friendly dye.

————————————-

CHAPTER III:  THE MONSTERS HAVE RECORD SALES!

I always thought my parents’ old Elvis records were a collector’s dream, but if you’re a true vinyl lover, your wax collection isn’t close to complete without off-tune breakfast ghouls serenading you.

Presented here, for your listening enjoyment, is one of a line of free records included with the cereal, entitled The Monsters Go Disco.

We’re still holding our breath on that ghastly  cover of “I Will Survive”, but in the meantime, fasten your bell bottoms, here’s a taste of campy monsters gone campier:

———————————

 

 

CHAPTER IV:  QUENTIN TARANTINO AND FRUIT BRUTE-  A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN

People of Internet Land, meet Fruit Brute…

Upon first glance, this hairy Halloween hooligan may not be instantly recognizable as a household name.

There must be a full moon out because here’s a fruit-lovin’ werewolf who met his eventual discontinuation in 1983.  Much how John Travolta’s sinking career was thrown a grindhouse-y life preserver from director Quentin Tarantino, he also attempted to toss one to the Brute, as an old cereal box made a cameo appearance in some of QT’s most prolific films from the 90’s:

Here’s his appearance in with Lance, a mangy heroin dealer in 1994’s Pulp Fiction:

…and with Mr. Orange in 1992’s Reservoir Dogs:

“Are you gonna bark all day little Brute-y, or are you gonna bite?” 

—————————————

CHAPTER V:  THAT CRUMMY DUMMY NAMED FRUITY YUMMY MUMMY

 

To fill the void of those who love fruit cereal and missed the ‘Brute, “Fruity Yummy Mummy” was introduced to a yearning public.

You’d think calling a character fruity might be a bit politically incorrect, but it pales in comparison to his originally offensive moniker, “Wrapped-Up Flamer”.

Much like The Mummy films, public interest was tepid at best.  Production “wrapped up” on Fruity Yummy Mummy as he joined the Brute in the cereal graveyard in 1993.

but…

As the old saying goes, “everything old is new again”.

On a stormy, cold, early autumn evening, as the howling wind blew the rickety shutters around like a worn-out ragdoll, it was said that a unkempt cherry-scented paw and a decrepit fruity wrapped hand both broke open the foggy, cold cemetery ground and rose up from their breakfast graves, shambled past the chipped, weathered headstones of “Nerds Cereal” and “French Toast Crunch” …

…and then they traveled into your local supermarket. 

Tell your milk to suck it up and get ready for a crap-your-pants scare.  2013 marks the long-awaited return of both Fruit Brute and Fruity Yummy Mummy to store shelves.

 

The Smiths may never get back together, but this is a pretty close second place. 

 

 

——————————————

CHAPTER VI:  TATBOO!!

A rabid cult following often leads to obsessive behavior-  fanatics still line up for midnight showings of The Rocky Horror Picture show, and diehards camp outside McDonald’s for the yearly appearance of the fast food Bigfoot known as the McRib.   Keep that in mind when the next time you come between a man and his breakfast food…

Skulls, crosses and heart tattoos are too pedestrian for these inked-up cerealites, as they’ve made their love of Monster Cereals permanent.  While some monsters want to get under your skin, these monsters will have to settle for being on it.

Blumes note:  Ladies, if you dig these, let me know, I just may end up with one.

———————————-

CHAPTER VII:  PRANK CALL MATERIAL

Ever meet someone with an unfortunate last name you know they grew up being teased with?  Ask any “Tom Banana”, “Lisa Smurfs” or “Bill Spaghettios”, every day of high school ridicule must’ve been a daily nightmare.

Growing up with the surname of  “Frankenberry” couldn’t have been a jolly walk in the park either, and I’m sure all these people could testify to that fact.

LISTINGS OF LAST NAME “FRANKENBERRY” IN THE UNITED STATES:

 The Frankenberry family reunions in Pennsylvania must be a real hoot.  Every meal is pink and the three-legged race is a suspenseful thrill ride.

——————————————

CHAPTER VIII:  MOVE OVER AL ROKER

Today’s forecast calls for a 30% chance of raaaaaaaaaaainnnnn!  (Get it?  Like a zombie?)

Actually, if we were to name this after Al Roker, we’d have to call it Poo Berry.

(rimshot)

——————————————

CHAPTER IX:  COUNT ON A FIGHT!

There’s only room for one friendly non-blood sucking vampire in this town, and the eternal battle’s waged on for years.  Hide the garlic, and stay outta the sunlight, this is most likely how True Blood will end one day:

“DING DING!  Ladies and Gentlemen!  Welcome to tonight’s main event–  a fangy Battle Royale for the ages!  Two pale purgatory pugilists in a fight to the (un)death!”

“In this ring, straight from a cardboard coffin in some creepy Cocoa Transylvania, the deliciously… the chocolately…  the sideburned…  the Riboflavin-y…  Mr. Count Chocula!”

“And in this ring, hailing from Sesame Street- he’s lilac-colored, he’s got eight total fingers, he’s good with numbers, and he’s got Snuffleupagus poop on the bottom of his shoe…  it’s Count Von Count!”

Frightened readers, it was said the infamous vampire battle went on for hours.  So long, Abraham Lincoln and Buffy even konked out and lost the urge to slay them.  In the end, it was Sesame Street Count who reigned victorious…

in one round, two rounds, ha ha ha…

“Number One baby!”

———————————

CHAPTER X:  COUNT CHOCULA AND FRANKENBERRY WERE CROSSDRESSERS

They wore the same thing!  How embarrassing…

Ru-Paul made a living out of dressing like a woman, but when it comes to dress-wearing, these bozos oughta stick to their day jobs.   But I guess if it’s good enough for J. Edgar Hoover, it’s good enough for them.

Blumes note:  Tell me you weren’t thinking Frankenberry looks like Charles Nelson Reilly.

————————-

Hey, This Looks Gross. (The Ice Cream Edition)

By Andrew Blumetti

Crap news everyone:  summer’s pretty much kaput.

Nearly a week into September and as the calendar inches closer and closer to greet autumn, the telltale signs of the season around us are awfully difficult to miss.

The glowing evening sun drops a bit earlier now into the snowcone-colored horizon, the sound of giggling children running around under a sprinker in the warm afternoon heat is absent, the once brightly-blooming red and pink flowers have become less thirsty, the whistle blow is about to kick off the new football season, and spooky Halloween costumes and decorations have started to fill the aisles of the local Party City.

In no time, we’ll be pouring glasses of tangy apple cider, raking crunchy leaves, and carving scary faces into big bumpy pumpkins.

Ready or not, we’re on a head-on collision with fall.

Another all-too obvious sign– the nighttime mercury is slowly dipping lower and lower as the days pass.  Granted, it’s not quite chilly enough yet for the polar bears to come around to raise their frosty paw to greet you hello, but a cool smack in the face when you’re used to mild temperatures and air conditioning for the past four months.

There’s still time to enjoy some warm afternoons, but caution you jacket-wearing haters, it’s a warning sign;  a realization for all of us to take that last gulp of a dwindling summer, because it’s going to be totally gone before we have time to blink.   Before you know it, the Jets will be 0-6, it’ll be dark at 5pm, and Jenny McCarthy will be a daily fixture on The View.  Better pop the top down on that convertible and enjoy the breeze, blast some Beach Boys, enjoy wearing shorts, and enjoy one more delicious summer ice cream cone while you still can.

Just tread carefully– As the warmth dies down and the frozen treat business begins to hit the autumnal breaks, the ice cream parlors may have a slightly weaker selection than we were used to back in the balmy summer months.

Be prepared like a boy scout, and have a backup flavor on hand, cause if you get to that counter, taste buds all ready and mouth salivating, just to find out strawberry’s done for the season, you may be stuck with one of these disgusting dairy disasters:

 

(For part one of the “Hey, This Looks Gross.” series, “The Gummy Edition”, click here.)

——————————————

LOBSTER ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  5

Why’s it So Gross?:  In the crustacean world, this pinchy red fella reigns supreme.  He brings the “turf” in a surf and turf platter, makes for a costly dinner, and looks mighty delicious… despite his hard-to-avoid spider-ish features.

Well, at one Phoenix ice cream parlor, its “Maine” attraction is a fresh ocean-caught lobster… mixed with milk, cream and ice, and stuffed in a cone for you to suffer through for three licks, just to have an ice breaker story to use on girls at cocktail parties.

I guess it could be worse… lobster is tasty after all, but if you can’t wear a bib, what’s the point really?

—————————————-

GREEN PEA ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  3

Why’s it So Gross?:  Because you belong in soup!  Or at least being hidden in some bratty kid’s napkin so his parents think he willingly eats his veggies.

Also, pay attention, because if “pea” on the sign is a typo and should’ve been spelled “pee”, you’re in for a world of disappointment…  and nonstop vomiting.

———————————————

RAW HORSE FLESH ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  10

Why’s it So Gross?:  Saddle up!  This is the surefire winner at the Kent-yucky Derby…

This slop sure makes pea ice cream sound like a Heaven-sent treat, doesn’t it?   I don’t know what country serves this equine mess, but the vanilla and chocolate have to be just plain terrible to have to resort to chomping on Mr. Ed for a refreshing summer treat.

Run like Secretariat in the other direction.

————————————

“DRACULA” GARLIC ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  4

Why’s it So Gross?:  Warning:  If you’re gonna have an interview with this vampire, you may want to wear a gas mask.

Makes you wonder how bad the breath was on the cows who provided this milk.  The whole Twilight vamp-trend has gotten way out of hand when we’ve stooped to this level.

Actually, putting Dracula’s name on the carton is a bit of a head-scratcher, seeing as how this is the last thing he’d want in his freezer, right?  It’d go perfectly right next to a bag of Sun Chips, steaks, and the “Silver Bullet”- a can of Coors.

The big downfall to this stinky dessert is that aside from keeping vampires away, it’ll keep the ladies at an even further distance.  Fangs for nothing!

————————————-

CHUNKY BACON ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  0

Why’s it So Gross?:  I don’t know if it is actually.  Bacon rarely lets you down, and despite the initial reaction to the strange taste marriage, this might boil down to some simple cardiac-nightmare food math:

bacon = delicious

ice cream = delicious

bacon ice cream = delicious

… and this timeless quote from John Travolta’s lips to your ears:

“…but bacon tastes good, pork chops taste good…”– Vincent Vega, Pulp Fiction

Pass me a spoon.

————————————

WHALE MEAT ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  8

Why’s it So Gross?:  Hey, Willy didn’t get freed just to end up on a cone at a Friendly’s in the Far East.  This might have sold better if they used a clever name like “ShaMOO”.  Ya know, a whale with a cow?

(insert elbow nudge)

Move over Fudgie the Whale.

Oh, don’t start spouting out judgment on me now.

Thank you, thank you, please tip your waitress.

——————————————-

CICADA ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  9

Why’s it So Gross?:   Look, not to be mean, but I don’t want to listen to the guy’s music, why would I want to eat his ice cream?

Wait… what’s that?

Correction: It’s just come to my attention this is actually referring to a cicada, the nasty ear-shattering humming bug with the wings the size of a coffee table, not Jon Secada, the Latin pop singer.

Hmmm, well, that really changes…  well, nothing.

————————————

SOY SAUCE ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  3

Why’s it So Gross?:  Let’s crack open the fortune cookie–  Confucius says:  If the goal of your dessert is to eat it, get full, then become hungry an hour later, this is the frozen treat for you.

Eater beware- soy sauce may look like chocolate syrup, but tastes like pure concentrated salt.  This stuff will have you downing water till the cows come home.  And of course when the cows come home, they’ll just make more stupid soy sauce ice cream.

It’s a vicious cycle really. 

————————————

PIT VIPER SNAKE ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  7

Why’s it So Grossssssssss? (see what I did there?):  “I’m sick of these $@#! Snakes on this $@#! plate!”

FACT: In Tokyo, nine out of ten times when someone vomits, it’s followed by, “Man, it must’ve been that snake ice cream I had earlier”. 

Apparently, this is considered an aphrodisiac in Japan, but they also gave us Yankees pitcher Kei Igawa, so I don’t know what to believe anymore. 

————————————

BAY LEAF ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  1

Why’s it So Gross?:  It’s not gross, but more deadly to be accurate.  Honestly, do you really want your eventual coroner’s report to read like this?

“The deceased choked to death when their airway sealed up from a razor-sharp bay leaf that never softened.  The bay leaf was inside ice cream they willingly purchased, level of sobriety being questionable at best.  So it’s a safe bet the deceased was not too bright in the first place.  No real loss.”

————————————————

OX TONGUE ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  8

Why’s it So Gross?:  You know these X’s and O’s stand for anything but kisses and hugs.

Do we really need a reason why this stinks?  Throw a dart, and you’ll hit either of the magic words–

1.  “ox”

2.  “tongue”

Because nothing screams out “refreshing treat” like another tongue touching yours. Bring the whole family!

—————————————

BREAST MILK ICE CREAM

Yuck Factor:  11, 12, 13… Don’t stop counting actually…

Why’s it So Gross?:  I never thought I’d have to say these words:  I’d rather eat a whole gallon of horse flesh ice cream before I touch this heinous stuff.

Some boob (huddla huddla) in London decided this was a good idea to serve, but there’s a microscopic chance this people-food doesn’t come back up and end up painting the tile floor in seconds.

I also read that Lady Gaga became angry about the name, “Baby Gaga” and considered a law suit against the makers of this scream-worthy ice cream.

Makes sense, we wouldn’t want anything weird to be associated with Lady Gaga. 

Tarantino’s Wuss Pack

By Andrew Blumetti

Quentin Tarantino (tærənˈtiːnoʊ), noun:  One of the most prolific, controversial and popular film directors of the past two decades.  His over-the-top smattering of grindhouse ultra-violence, 70’s throwback nostalgia, dialogue-heavy scenes and non-linear story telling has captivated movie goers from east to west and north to south, and back to east again.

Mr. Tarantino’s given us quite the array of characters in his seven (or eight if you split the Kill Bills) major motion pictures.  Unsavory, immoral, and entertaining as the night is long, their bigger-than-life personalities jump out from the screen, grab us by the scruff of the neck, and demand our attention.

…and I wouldn’t like to run into any of them in a dark alley any day (but to be fair, I wouldn’t want to be in a dark alley anyway.  It’s a breeding ground for puddles and gum to get stuck on the bottom of your shoe).

Lucky for me though, the way the world works, things often balance out.  For every Mr. Blonde, Pai Mei, or Hugo Stiglitz that makes us wet our collective britches in fear, there’s gotta be some lightweights shuffling around in Queint’s flicks… and I’ll take my chances with them in a dark alley anytime.

I now present, “The Top Ten Tarantino Non-Toughies I Could Probably Take in a Fight”

(much like old sour cream in the toasty July sun, the following is NOT spoiler-free)

1. Mr. Blue (Reservoir Dogs, 1992) portrayed by Eddie Bunker

The ‘Dogs resident seasoned vet with that impressive ‘stache and psycho gleam in his eyes.  Now, he’d probably have me eating red-hot lead within seconds, but considering I was 12 when this movie came out, and he was old then, I think he may be the only one of the colored-named criminals in the bunch I could’ve held my own against.

————————–

2. Brett (Pulp Fiction, 1994) portrayed by Frank Whaley

One of the four clowns who decided to screw over Band-aided crime kingpin, Marsellus Wallace, Brett is actually a whiter guy than me, which I never thought possible.  His ability to get rubber-mouth under pressure, and the fact that he eats cheeseburgers for breakfast sure puts the odds in my corner.

—————————–

3. Buck (Kill Bill- Vol. 1, 2003) portrayed by Michael Bowen

The creepy orderly in the hospital who had a gross on-the-side business dealing with coma patients.  This immoral entrepreneurial weirdo met his eventual fate from a fresh out-of-coma patient with dead legs, so that’s gotta put me in a good spot.

——————————–

4. Warren (Death Proof, 2007) portrayed by Quentin Tarantino

In a film full of mostly tough adrenaline-seeking women who’d whoop me in a heartbeat, I had to find one of the few fellas in the latter half of Grindhouse to pick.  Now, if I couldn’t at least go toe-to-toe with a cornball bartender (played by Quentin himself) who pushes a drink called “Chartreuse”, then it’s time to hand in my man-card.

—————————-

5. Master Sgt. Wilhelm (Inglourious Basterds, 2009) portrayed by Alexander Fehling

Guten tag!  A German soldier given the night off to celebrate the birth of his son, Wilhelm’s crap timing finds himself smack dab in the middle of a firefight inside a Parisian pub.

Sure, he’s a Nazi, and sure, he’s experienced with heavy artillery, but the guy and his fellow soldier comrades seem like sloppy drunks, like Jersey Shore-ish drunk.  And if there’s one time Andrew can successfully pull off a strike, it’s when battling against the very inebriated.  That’s why I’d be so good at fending off zombies, they’re just like decaying cannibalistic drunks.

————————–

6. Larry Gomez (Kill Bill- Vol. 2, 2004) portrayed by Larry Bishop

I do feel bad putting anyone on this list who’s been in Kung Fu, Laverne and Shirley and The Dukes of Hazzard, especially someone who made me laugh so much in the second Kill Bill installment.

He spent his lone five minutes in the film snorting coke with a trashy exotic dancer and chewing out Michael Madsen for being late to work, so outside of those five minutes, he’d probably beat the everloving cake out of me, so strike when the iron is hot.

I bet he’d enjoy my Sylvester Stallone article though, seeing as he kinda looks like him.

——————————

7. Mark Dargus (Jackie Brown, 1997) played by Michael Bowen

I’m really banking this list on the fact that Michael Bowen’s got a glass jaw, cause otherwise, I’m toast.

————————————

8. “The Gimp” (Pulp Fiction, 1994) portrayed by Stephen Hibbert

This leather wearing, zipper-mouthed freak basically went down in one stealth hit by a just-out-of-a-car-accident Bruce Willis.  Despite his creepy mask, “The Gimp” doesn’t necessarily instill much fear, seeing as he was tethered on a leash the whole time, and I’m highly suspect that Jim Belushi is actually under that costume.

—————————

9. Francesca Modino’s poodle (Inglourious Basterds, 2009)

Here we have the prissy dog of the prissy Francesca Modino (Julie Dreyfus), the French-to-German interpreter to Head of Propaganda in Germany, Joseph Goebbels.  Naturally, fighting animals is a big no-no (I really don’t want PETA getting all huffy and puffy, protesting to shut down my blog and toss red paint over computer screens nationwide),  but I’d put the over/under at me beating this dog at a foot race at about 65/35.

————————————–

10.  Billy Crash (Django Unchained, 2012) portrayed by Walton Goggins

Cowboys are the true classic American-definition of “manly”.  They’re gruff, tough, and I’m guessing their sweat smells like a leather couch from Crate and Barrel.

Billy Crash may have been quick with the six-shooter and wore a pretty sweet hat, but he was all talk, with nothing to back it up when push comes to shove.  Basically he’s kind of like a slavery-era cowboy version of every single stupid bully in every single stupid after-school special that ran in lieu of Duck Tales.

Man, I hated those.