My Favorite Super Bowls (That May or May Not Have Happened)

By Andrew Blumetti

Well, this certainly didn’t happen.

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February.

Talk about getting the most bang for your buck.  They really do pack a lot into a little month, don’t they?

In a mere twenty eight days, we’re graced with a bountiful bevy of winter celebration–  Valentine’s Day, Groundhog Day, President’s Day, Mardi Gras, Black History Month, Spring Training, and the most important of ‘em all (after Spring Training of course), there’s the great American holiday of Super Bowl Sunday, the biggest party since New Year’s Eve, only one month ago.

While granted, February’s short run is not as eventful as the unseen four weeks during 28 Days Later, but it makes me happy to celebrate my birthday during what would normally end up being a freezing, snowy, boring month with a girly-colored wuss birthstone.

Are you kidding me?

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Living in the greater New York area, especially within earshot of Giants Stadium (or MetLife Snoopy Stadium, or whatever it’s called now), the excitement, traffic, and overall buzz has been ramped up to a Spinal Tap-worthy 11 as the Denver Broncos go mono-a-mono with the Seattle Seahawks for all the gusto and glamor of gridiron glory.  It’s truly rocky vs. rainy in the Legal Marijuana Bowl.

Blumes note:  This offer still stands!  Now half price! 

But frankly, it’s Friday, January 31st, this is all old hat by now.

At this point, you’ve been endlessly bombarded with Super Bowl ads, magazine covers, news reports, cocky fans, and nonstop party planning for weeks now.  When Monday morning comes, and you’re more chili than man, you’ll undoubtedly know the Super Bowl had come and left its mark.

But that’s not who this article is for. 

Maybe you’re not a fan of hawks or horses, perhaps Richard Sherman’s post-game interview rubbed you the wrong way, or heck, or maybe you’re one of those people seriously considering a 7th Heaven marathon instead of football this weekend.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Your special teams for the Oakland Raiders!

Of course that doesn’t mean you won’t find yourself enjoying the festivities of Super Bowl Sunday.  Dr. Oz-unfriendly food, offensively expensive commercials (that always feature a baby doing something un-babyish), the sickeningly adorable Puppy Bowl, and trying to get your greased-up fingers to press the remote buttons to change the channel as Bruno Mars performs at halftime- this Sunday is a bombastic event that will please folks of all tastes.  …as evident by this walk down memory lane of some truly classic and heavily unorthodox Super Bowl games of yore.

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1. SUPER BOWL XXXII: BATMAN VS. STORMTROOPERS

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na SAFETY!

 

As John Madden once called it in a most clever anagram, “Capes vs. Space”, this battle royale pitted The Dark Knight vs. the Imperial Army for 60 minutes of a nerdtastic pigskin extravaganza.  After a first quarter that was heavy on the Big D, Commissioner Gordon’s 45 yard rush into the endzone to close out the first half put Team Gotham up on top.

No guts, no glory, as the ‘Troopers marched their way back in the 4th quarter.

The second half was a superhero explosion of history-making offense as holy touchdowns Batman!—  the Caped Crusader aired it out to the Boy Wonder (who took a time out from cheerleading) in the Gotham endzone.

But, when the going gets tough, the tough get going, as the Stormtroopers, with their armored backs against the wall, bounced back to tie the game as the 2-minute warning approached.  Coach Vader flipped a crap when an ill-timed interception by Alfred the Butler spelled death for the Star Wars crew with the Bats taking home the trophy to Gotham City with a score of 28-21.

Go Team! Arwwwwwaaaaaaaarrrrrrahahahahahhaahhhhaa!!!!

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2.  SUPER BOWL XI:  KISS BOWL  (AKA THE TOILET BOWL)

 

“I wanna hike the ball all night!”

And you thought the Jaguars were bad…

Nothing screams out “gridiron glory” like mime makeup and gaudy platform shoes on men, but that’s why the KISS bowl was so unique.

Walking embarrassment Gene Simmons bit his long cow tongue as he slipped on his own fake blood on no less than three occasions, turning the usually triumphant game into a fumble-filled lowlight reel.  Pain in the ace, Mr. Frehley, shanked four field goal attempts, and starchild, Paul Stanley?   Well, he might as well have been the MVP… for the other team.

Chest hair and touchdowns!  Not just for Joe Namath anymore!

As far as scoring went, it was Detroit Block City.  The spandexed makeuped-ones never did touch the endzone, as KISS went down in defeat to good taste 49-0.

The best worst part was that they weren’t even asked to play the halftime show.  That honor went to The Doobie Brothers.

The great part about being KISS, is you can sell any crap you want at the souvenir stands…

 

The epilogue to this heavy metal tale of the 100 yards:  KISS never did get back to the Super Bowl, but on the plus side, KISS never did get back to the Super Bowl.

That jersey has the actual number of KISS fans left on Earth.

 

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3.  SUPER BOWL XLV:  ZOMBIE BOWL

Let’s have a hand for the hometeam!

It may have been only three years ago, but who could forget when the undead took down scalpers stadium-wide and invaded the turf during the timeless showdown of the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers?

Turning Aaron Rodgers into an Aaron Rodgers kabob?  Transforming Clay Matthews into an undead Thor?  Sending “Big Ben” Roethlisberger to the sideline to finally get some brains?

It all happened.  I guess.

Indigestion from overindulging in extra hot Buffalo wings rendered Daryl and Michonne practically useless that Sunday.

While the gameplay may have been painfully lumbering and a bit lethargic at times, it was no worse than any given Cleveland Browns game on a random Sunday.

The “Running Dead” tried to bite Tim Tebow on the sidelines, but he was immune to it.

But if Broadway has taught us anything, (and I guess it has…) —  the show must go on, flesh eaters or not.

Time will tell us that the zombies vs. zombies Super Bowl was a tad gory, maybe too confusing at times, and it may have taken five days to finish, but in the end, it was much less traumatizing than the Black Eyed Peas halftime show.

4th Down of the Dead!

 

One would be safe to assume the zombie apocalypse and certain doomsday would put a damper on the game’s festivities, with all the undead cannibalism and spilled guts, but the TV ratings reached an all-time high.  The NFC z-team ended up hoisting the Vince Lombardi Trophy, rotting limbs and all, bringing it back to frigid Green Bay where decaying slows down like Kirstie Alley’s metabolism.

THE ZOMBIES HAVE BECOME HIDEOUS!

The trophy had to be immediately sent out to be cleaned and shined due to the high volume of blood on it …on a weekly basis.

(On a positive note, in the zombie onslaught, Steelers safety Troy Polamalu was attacked, but escaped by a “hair”.)

Parking was tighter than George Costanza’s wallet…

…but the tailgating was awesome!

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4.  SUPER BOWL XLII:  THE RETURN OF BUD BOWL

 

 

Eli vs. Tom- buds for life!

 

For those too young to remember, the Bud Bowl was an early 90’s stop-motion beer bottle football tour de force that found its home during commercial breaks, squeezed in between multi-million dollar ads for Crystal Pepsi and The Bodyguard soundtrack.  It was a kick-glass all-out brawl between Budweiser and Bud Light.  Even as a long retired campaign, for me, that fateful Sunday in 2008 always be the year that the suds saved football.

Hut, hut… HOPS!!!

 

Phoenix, AZ–  When a thunderous monsoon that would’ve knocked over human brick wall, Howie Long, hit, it kept planes grounded and prevented both the Pats and G-Men from making their way into warm, sunny Arizona, the NFL pooped their britches, panicked and pooped them some more.

“But I wanna go on the PLAAAANNEE!!”

Sadly, cancelling the big game seemed like the only choice left, seeing as how there was no way to get the unfortunate stranded teams into the balmy city in time.  Luckily, the answer was only a bar away…

Long dead since 1997, a time when candy-lovin’ alternarock trio Marcy Playground was brimming with untapped potential, the beer bottles were called off the bench as Bud Bowl sat in as the substitute teacher for the real teams.   It was truly like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but for drunks.

“My nose is red cause I’m half in the bag!”

The bottles tossed on the teams’ uniforms, and no one in the massive Arizona crowd was the wiser.  Nearly sixty minutes of play time and we all know what happened next-   Ale-I Manning to Beer David Tyree (what a good pick in the draft), the miraculous helmet catch, and a near-perfect season for New England ended in an 18-1 conclusion, as the bottled Big Blue were swimming in confetti in the Big Apple soon after.

No feelings were bottled-up in this game…

Understandably, in Massachusetts, spirits were wicked low, and where did they go?  To a bar of course.  NORM!

“Sammy, I’ve told you for years that beer saves all.”

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5.  SUPER BOWL XLIV: GAME MVP- ABE LINCOLN

Four Scores!  … and seven years ago.

 

For a few brief hours, the “L” in NFL stood for Lincoln.

We all know Abraham Lincoln was a president, emancipator, and a vampire hunter, but do you remember Abe’s big-time appearance in the Super Bowl?

The bearded one was called in to play when Peyton Manning had to leave the game early to film an impromptu Kraft Macaroni and Cheese commercial.   He ran out, flying past the cheerleaders, zooming by the mascots, with the glisten of anger in his eyes, sweat on his brow, and a chin beard so mighty, the heavens above stopped to gaze in majestic awe.

The stovetop hat was thrown down, the shoulder pads were thrust on, and that pigskin flew like you wouldn’t believe.  It was going perfect, until… clumsy ox Drew Brees went down with a pulled hamstring on the slippery turf.  And being the helpful chap he is, ‘ol Honest Abe took the reigns and stood in for him as well, changing uniforms as the Colts defensive squad ran out.

He abolished the slaves, and demolished the Colts…

As the clock struck zero, the Big Easy soon was celebrating with the sounds of jazz and firey-cajun food up the wazoo as Abe Lincoln received an early birthday gift- a declaration as Super Bowl MVP.

It was rumored plentiful posterior-ed socialite Kim Kardashian emancipated her relationship with then-Saints running back, Reggie Bush, that night to lock lips with the sixteenth prez.

And how did A-Linc become so good at football? 

Just how you get to Carnegie Hall…  Practice.

Note:  Sadly, Lincoln’s pro-career was cut short the following pre-season when Ravens linebacker John Wilkes Booth broke Lincoln’s legs.

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Enjoy your Super Bowl weekend!  As usual, please Fed-Ex any uneaten chicken wings to me. 

The Charmin Bears: Can We Stop Pretending This is Cute?

By Andrew Blumetti

Yogi.  Berenstain.  Winnie.  Jim McMahon.

Like it or lump it, that’s pretty much it when it comes to bears in popular culture.  The quota has been filled up faster than Wynonna Judd’s dinner plate at a Sizzler salad bar.  Yet, for a head-scratchingly high number of years, we’ve been subjected to a number of two-plyed commercials oddly dreamt up by the head honchos at toilet paper company, Charmin, featuring, well bears with questionable bathroom procedures.

Advice:   Turning missed toilet paper wads into sparkles isn’t making it any cuter.

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“The Call of Nature”, a marketing idea first envisioned back in the year 2000 by Charmin.  Apparently they felt like a post-Y2K fear-struck world needed an outlet to laugh and clean backsides to sit on.

Let’s face it, when you’re a bear in the woods, you pretty much have the reign of the whole joint.  Gentle-eyed deer wisely run in the opposite direction, tasty river trout are your delicious dinner, and the birds- well let’s just say they know who’s territory the ground is.  If you’re a bear, the wooded-world is your honey-covered oyster.  You can eat campers, garbage, more campers, heck… anything your little heart desires.

Sadly though, there’s one thing you don’t have control of in the mean streets of the forests, and that’s missed toilet paper bunches in a not-so friendly area.

The Chicago Bears crappy play caused them to miss the playoffs this year.

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As a people, we’re a lot more adaptable than we give ourselves credit for.  Much like how the living human race grew accustomed to an undead world in Zombieland, we too, grow used to change pretty fast.

I’m slowly accepting that Donald Glover is leaving Community this season, that Blockbuster Video is quickly becoming a prehistoric term, and finally come to terms that the creepy Burger King king has hung up his flame-broiled crown for good.  So why for a decade now, have we so easily seemed to accept that a bunch of dingleberried-cartoon bears pushing toilet paper in commercials during dinner time is an adorable idea?

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“Let’s Meet The Bears”

This grizzly group isn’t just a bunch of no-names though.  In fact, they’re a furry family- a really clean-bummed bunch of bears.   Let’s reach out our collective paw and give them the ‘ol Charmin squeeze:

(From L to R)

Dylan:  The obvious nerd son, an overachieving bookworm bear who ruins the curve in class.  He’s slightly cooler than the Steve Urkel bear, but not as cool as the Paul Pfeiffer Bear.  He will go through an awkward goth phase when he discovers contact lenses and Bauhaus.

Amy:  The only female cub in this clan truly is Daddy’s little girl.  She spends a good portion of her day sobbing to Adele songs, and shopping at ABEARcrombie and Fitch.  Her planned sweet sixteen party will cause the family to switch to a cheap off-brand toilet paper to save cash.  Bear bums will be paper covered for weeks.

Molly:  The fuzzy matriarch of the family, this momma bear keeps a swift eye on her cubs’ keisters.  She cooks, she cleans, she enjoys a sip of good honey wine every so often, and won’t apologize for it.  Back in her wild days in the 80’s, she was once a dancer in a Skid Row video.  She also inexcusably hangs the toilet paper so the part to grab hangs underneath.

Leonard:  Bumbling dad is the Homer Simpson of the forest.  He loves to get in a quick nine at the Pitch and Putt, trot over to the Home Depot, and spends a good portion of his day avoiding his wife’s incessant Charmin nagging.  He’s not really a good toilet paper user, as his rump often looks like a tissue-patched-up job of a blind man shaving.

Bill:  Older jock brother who would’ve had a football scholarship to Michigan State if it weren’t for a salmon-catching injury that sprained his left paw (or southpaw).  His gym playlist on his iPod consists of the following:

– Between the BEARied and Me

– InCUBus

– Linkin PAWk

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This will be our Cloverfield one day.

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Lord knows if sales have actually increased due to this absurd butt-oriented furry campaign.  You’d figure toilet paper is one of the few products out there that doesn’t need to be pushed hard (not literally).  Nature calls, and everyone’s gotta answer, whether we like it or not, even if it’s the two-minute warning.  We all gotta go, so it’s not like not buying it is an option, so all this cute on-a-roll absurdity might all be for naught.

When you gotta go that bad, it’s UNBEARABLE. 

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Really, why the fancy bathroom decorum when you’re in the woods?  Can’t bears just go anywhere they want?  I thought that was one of the great things about being a bear, you dookie near any tree, brook, or campsite, and if anyone gives you crap about it, you eat them.

On an invasive scale of 1 to 10, this ranks at “Facebook newsfeed ads”.  Where does that vacuum plug in anyway?

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Charmin, in their infinite toiletry wisdom, even promoted a line of public restrooms in Times Square back in 2006 looking to push a rare clean public lavatory in a city of millions.  It replaced the classic popular bathrooms of Jamba Juice or any random sidewalk in Manhattan.  The dream was short-lived though, as the location is now the home of a Disney Store.  (Rumor has it that Pluto requires the world’s largest pooper-scooper.)  When the idea was fresh, they sure went all out for the promotion, including a special appearance by the queen of the ample derriere herself, Ms. Kim Kardashian.

That left bear’s paw is a little too close for comfort. 

The bears don’t get out much.  This one thought this guy was the Japanese Fonz.   “KONNICHIWAAAAAAA”

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So, my friends, I guess nearly thirteen years in, there’s not much we can do.

No matter how annoying, even in the age of DVR, insipid commercial schtick is something we just another thing we will have to learn to live with.  We’ve been shackled with the Geico gecko, Flo the over-lipsticked insurance woman and snobby people receiving red-bowed Lexuses for Christmas.  So, until these woodsy weisenheimers learn to wipe better, it looks like we’re stuck with these bad bathroom behaving bears who are inevitably stuck to their TP.

They may be number one in toilet tissue ads, but they’ll always be number two in our hearts.