Seriously. Well, not the whole “like-like” school of brilliance dolled out by the Winnie Cooper-ed mind of Kevin Arnold, but you all who read, follow, and support my blog really are the bee’s knees. I sincerely appreciate and thank anyone who’s taken time to read, enjoy, or roll their eyes at the cornball absurdity that fills this page on a relatively frequent basis.
Ok, enough of this gooey shhhh….ow of emotion.*Let’s get down to brass tacks here.
Before we continue, a favor first— If you reside in the Northeast or Mid-Atlantic portion of the United States, please do me a solid- take a second and go to your window and look outside. I’ll wait.
Ok, I’ll wait more.
How about now?
See the Everest-high mountains of white stuff? There’s more snow out there than in a used CD bin.
Screw you, Blumes.
Yeah, this brutal winter is crawling by with all the lightning-quick speed of Artie Lange’s metabolism, but believe you me fellow snowed-in’s, as hard as it seems to believe, our ‘ol pal spring will be here soon, and before you know it, you’ll be itchy, watery-eyed, and sneezing your head off like the Queen of Hearts was demanding it.
But hey, even in two feet of snow, life would be nothing without small victories- my birthday is only 10 days away, pitchers and catchers are about to embark to Florida and Arizona for Spring Training, The Walking Dead has returned in all of its brain-munching glory, the Winter Olympics are running full steam, and the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition should show up on my doorstep anyday to make me feel pretty awkward in front of my mailman. February is truly the month that keeps on giving.
“This cover needs more Kate Upton”- Kate Upton, Blumes
Of course mid-February ain’t all AMC-zombies and Abe Lincoln’s birthday cake. Even if you’re still frostbitten from endless shoveling, you’ll still be sleeping on the couch if you forget the holiday that’s redder than Russia, circa 1960…
Conversation hearts? Fat baby Cupid? All-day Julia Roberts movie marathons? A remarkably thinner wallet? Make no mistake, make-no-mistakers, Saint Valentine is here with a bright red vengeance and he’s ready to kick yo keister up and down the snowy block.
For some of you, it’s a chance to take out a much-needed second mortgage for a dozen stupid red roses, boxes of mystery heart chocolates, and giant teddy bears the size of Delaware. For others, it’s an opportunity to throw Adele on repeat, curse the Hallmark holiday for shoving your blatant singledom in your face, and chow down on your emergency stash of Ring Dings while you feverishly refresh your OkCupid profile for new messages till the clock eventually hits midnight and February 15th comes to save the day.
“This guy’s coming with me in the carpool lane! I’ll just tell them it’s Robin Williams!”
That’s where I come in. Whether you’re single, taken, married, or a cyborg, I’m here to boomerang back all that amazing support and positivity to you on this Valentine’s Day, Twenty-fourteen. If it’s Friday and you’re in love, or maybe not so much, I want this day of hearts and crap to be your happiest and heartiest yet.
So, for a few short minutes, put that adorably plump Adele on hold, slam the flap on that box of uneaten Ring Dings, and pause those insufferable “Every Kiss Begins with Kay” commercials… Here’s my personal valentines to you rad readers- feel free to print and snip.
(* If anyone recognizes this quote, I’ll come to your house, hug you, and make you a B+ dinner.)
Talk about getting the most bang for your buck. They really do pack a lot into a little month, don’t they?
In a mere twenty eight days, we’re graced with a bountiful bevy of winter celebration– Valentine’s Day, Groundhog Day, President’s Day, Mardi Gras, Black History Month, Spring Training, and the most important of ‘em all (after Spring Training of course), there’s the great American holiday of Super Bowl Sunday, the biggest party since New Year’s Eve, only one month ago.
While granted, February’s short run is not as eventful as the unseen four weeks during 28 Days Later, but it makes me happy to celebrate my birthday during what would normally end up being a freezing, snowy, boring month with a girly-colored wuss birthstone.
Are you kidding me?
Living in the greater New York area, especially within earshot of Giants Stadium (or MetLife Snoopy Stadium, or whatever it’s called now), the excitement, traffic, and overall buzz has been ramped up to a Spinal Tap-worthy 11 as the Denver Broncos go mono-a-mono with the Seattle Seahawks for all the gusto and glamor of gridiron glory. It’s truly rocky vs. rainy in the Legal Marijuana Bowl.
Blumes note: This offer still stands! Now half price!
But frankly, it’s Friday, January 31st, this is all old hat by now.
At this point, you’ve been endlessly bombarded with Super Bowl ads, magazine covers, news reports, cocky fans, and nonstop party planning for weeks now. When Monday morning comes, and you’re more chili than man, you’ll undoubtedly know the Super Bowl had come and left its mark.
But that’s not who this article is for.
Maybe you’re not a fan of hawks or horses, perhaps Richard Sherman’s post-game interview rubbed you the wrong way, or heck, or maybe you’re one of those people seriously considering a 7th Heaven marathon instead of football this weekend.
Ladies and Gentlemen: Your special teams for the Oakland Raiders!
Of course that doesn’t mean you won’t find yourself enjoying the festivities of Super Bowl Sunday. Dr. Oz-unfriendly food, offensively expensive commercials (that always feature a baby doing something un-babyish), the sickeningly adorable Puppy Bowl, and trying to get your greased-up fingers to press the remote buttons to change the channel as Bruno Mars performs at halftime- this Sunday is a bombastic event that will please folks of all tastes. …as evident by this walk down memory lane of some truly classic and heavily unorthodox Super Bowl games of yore.
1. SUPER BOWL XXXII: BATMAN VS. STORMTROOPERS
As John Madden once called it in a most clever anagram, “Capes vs. Space”, this battle royale pitted The Dark Knight vs. the Imperial Army for 60 minutes of a nerdtastic pigskin extravaganza. After a first quarter that was heavy on the Big D, Commissioner Gordon’s 45 yard rush into the endzone to close out the first half put Team Gotham up on top.
No guts, no glory, as the ‘Troopers marched their way back in the 4th quarter.
The second half was a superhero explosion of history-making offense as holy touchdowns Batman!— the Caped Crusader aired it out to the Boy Wonder (who took a time out from cheerleading) in the Gotham endzone.
But, when the going gets tough, the tough get going, as the Stormtroopers, with their armored backs against the wall, bounced back to tie the game as the 2-minute warning approached. Coach Vader flipped a crap when an ill-timed interception by Alfred the Butler spelled death for the Star Wars crew with the Bats taking home the trophy to Gotham City with a score of 28-21.
Go Team! Arwwwwwaaaaaaaarrrrrrahahahahahhaahhhhaa!!!!
2. SUPER BOWL XI: KISS BOWL (AKA THE TOILET BOWL)
“I wanna hike the ball all night!”
And you thought the Jaguars were bad…
Nothing screams out “gridiron glory” like mime makeup and gaudy platform shoes on men, but that’s why the KISS bowl was so unique.
Walking embarrassment Gene Simmons bit his long cow tongue as he slipped on his own fake blood on no less than three occasions, turning the usually triumphant game into a fumble-filled lowlight reel. Pain in the ace, Mr. Frehley, shanked four field goal attempts, and starchild, Paul Stanley? Well, he might as well have been the MVP… for the other team.
Chest hair and touchdowns! Not just for Joe Namath anymore!
As far as scoring went, it was Detroit Block City. The spandexed makeuped-ones never did touch the endzone, as KISS went down in defeat to good taste 49-0.
The best worst part was that they weren’t even asked to play the halftime show. That honor went to The Doobie Brothers.
The great part about being KISS, is you can sell any crap you want at the souvenir stands…
The epilogue to this heavy metal tale of the 100 yards: KISS never did get back to the Super Bowl, but on the plus side, KISS never did get back to the Super Bowl.
That jersey has the actual number of KISS fans left on Earth.
3. SUPER BOWL XLV: ZOMBIE BOWL
Let’s have a hand for the hometeam!
It may have been only three years ago, but who could forget when the undead took down scalpers stadium-wide and invaded the turf during the timeless showdown of the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers?
Turning Aaron Rodgers into an Aaron Rodgers kabob? Transforming Clay Matthews into an undead Thor? Sending “Big Ben” Roethlisberger to the sideline to finally get some brains?
It all happened. I guess.
Indigestion from overindulging in extra hot Buffalo wings rendered Daryl and Michonne practically useless that Sunday.
While the gameplay may have been painfully lumbering and a bit lethargic at times, it was no worse than any given Cleveland Browns game on a random Sunday.
The “Running Dead” tried to bite Tim Tebow on the sidelines, but he was immune to it.
But if Broadway has taught us anything, (and I guess it has…) — the show must go on, flesh eaters or not.
Time will tell us that the zombies vs. zombies Super Bowl was a tad gory, maybe too confusing at times, and it may have taken five days to finish, but in the end, it was much less traumatizing than the Black Eyed Peas halftime show.
4th Down of the Dead!
One would be safe to assume the zombie apocalypse and certain doomsday would put a damper on the game’s festivities, with all the undead cannibalism and spilled guts, but the TV ratings reached an all-time high. The NFC z-team ended up hoisting the Vince Lombardi Trophy, rotting limbs and all, bringing it back to frigid Green Bay where decaying slows down like Kirstie Alley’s metabolism.
THE ZOMBIES HAVE BECOME HIDEOUS!
The trophy had to be immediately sent out to be cleaned and shined due to the high volume of blood on it …on a weekly basis.
(On a positive note, in the zombie onslaught, Steelers safety Troy Polamalu was attacked, but escaped by a “hair”.)
Parking was tighter than George Costanza’s wallet…
…but the tailgating was awesome!
4. SUPER BOWL XLII: THE RETURN OF BUD BOWL
Eli vs. Tom- buds for life!
For those too young to remember, the Bud Bowl was an early 90’s stop-motion beer bottle football tour de force that found its home during commercial breaks, squeezed in between multi-million dollar ads for Crystal Pepsi and The Bodyguard soundtrack. It was a kick-glass all-out brawl between Budweiser and Bud Light. Even as a long retired campaign, for me, that fateful Sunday in 2008 always be the year that the suds saved football.
Hut, hut… HOPS!!!
Phoenix, AZ– When a thunderous monsoon that would’ve knocked over human brick wall, Howie Long, hit, it kept planes grounded and prevented both the Pats and G-Men from making their way into warm, sunny Arizona, the NFL pooped their britches, panicked and pooped them some more.
“But I wanna go on the PLAAAANNEE!!”
Sadly, cancelling the big game seemed like the only choice left, seeing as how there was no way to get the unfortunate stranded teams into the balmy city in time. Luckily, the answer was only a bar away…
Long dead since 1997, a time when candy-lovin’ alternarock trio Marcy Playground was brimming with untapped potential, the beer bottles were called off the bench as Bud Bowl sat in as the substitute teacher for the real teams. It was truly like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but for drunks.
“My nose is red cause I’m half in the bag!”
The bottles tossed on the teams’ uniforms, and no one in the massive Arizona crowd was the wiser. Nearly sixty minutes of play time and we all know what happened next- Ale-I Manning to Beer David Tyree (what a good pick in the draft), the miraculous helmet catch, and a near-perfect season for New England ended in an 18-1 conclusion, as the bottled Big Blue were swimming in confetti in the Big Apple soon after.
No feelings were bottled-up in this game…
Understandably, in Massachusetts, spirits were wicked low, and where did they go? To a bar of course. NORM!
“Sammy, I’ve told you for years that beer saves all.”
5. SUPER BOWL XLIV: GAME MVP- ABE LINCOLN
Four Scores! … and seven years ago.
For a few brief hours, the “L” in NFL stood for Lincoln.
We all know Abraham Lincoln was a president, emancipator, and a vampire hunter, but do you remember Abe’s big-time appearance in the Super Bowl?
The bearded one was called in to play when Peyton Manning had to leave the game early to film an impromptu Kraft Macaroni and Cheese commercial. He ran out, flying past the cheerleaders, zooming by the mascots, with the glisten of anger in his eyes, sweat on his brow, and a chin beard so mighty, the heavens above stopped to gaze in majestic awe.
The stovetop hat was thrown down, the shoulder pads were thrust on, and that pigskin flew like you wouldn’t believe. It was going perfect, until… clumsy ox Drew Brees went down with a pulled hamstring on the slippery turf. And being the helpful chap he is, ‘ol Honest Abe took the reigns and stood in for him as well, changing uniforms as the Colts defensive squad ran out.
He abolished the slaves, and demolished the Colts…
As the clock struck zero, the Big Easy soon was celebrating with the sounds of jazz and firey-cajun food up the wazoo as Abe Lincoln received an early birthday gift- a declaration as Super Bowl MVP.
It was rumored plentiful posterior-ed socialite Kim Kardashian emancipated her relationship with then-Saints running back, Reggie Bush, that night to lock lips with the sixteenth prez.
And how did A-Linc become so good at football?
Just how you get to Carnegie Hall… Practice.
Note: Sadly, Lincoln’s pro-career was cut short the following pre-season when Ravens linebacker John Wilkes Booth broke Lincoln’s legs.
Enjoy your Super Bowl weekend! As usual, please Fed-Ex any uneaten chicken wings to me.
It’s been infamously said that there’s a few certainties in life:
3. Shock rock icons/merchandising junkies, KISS, will license their four-letter moniker on any piece of junk they can make a quick buck on.
The makeup-ed four-piece have spent nearly the past 40 years spitting out blood, shooting sparks from their guitars and pulling in massive bucks by hilariously plastering their name on anything a price tag will fit on. Their legion of dedicated fans, better known as the “KISS Army”, gobbles it all up. Odd, cause you’d think they’d be spending all their money on their girlfriends or having a life…
To better understand the oncoming KISStastrophy, we need to pull a Silence of the Lambs, and delve into the deepest, darkest, nastiest corners of the human psyche. It’s time to beat up a Juggalo, steal their black and white face paint, take a dive into the deep end of the “selling out” pool, and share a laugh at some of the most bizarre KISS merchandise ever hit the shelves.
Although, we don’t have to go crank up Destroyer or anything, let’s not go too far here.
1. KISS wine
What?!: Well, here’s a fun, rarely known fact- if you head to the vineyards in the sun-drenched fields of Tuscany, you’ll bare witness the finest grapes being grown, all just for the hope to one day end up in a bottle with aging rockstars who resemble wrinkly prunes on the label.
Or… the more likely scenario- this is just rotten grape juice with a criminally expensive price tag.
The Score: 3 Paul Stanleys
2. KISS shower curtain
What?!?: There was a chilling scene in the film Arachnophobia that has stuck with me all these years. An innocent character was showering, while the whole time, unbeknownst to her, a quick-moving, release-your-bowels spider was crawling around the shower walls. Heebie jeebies at their finest.
The horrifying vulnerability of that scene works so well- I’m not even scared of spiders, and that freaks me out to no end. Well, gimme that arachnid any day of the week over turning around and seeing Ace Frehley’s melted candle, California Raisin face staring at me while I’m all sudsy. Makes the iconic shower attack scene in Psycho seem like a carnival ride.
The Score: 1 Paul Stanley
3. KISS lip balm
What?!?: Just gimme the chapped lips instead.
The Score: 2 Paul Stanleys
4. KISS “For Her” perfume/body wash
What?!?: It’s hard to believe, but they actually bottled up the smell of being past your prime.
Never in the history of mankind has a sane woman said, “Ya know, I really could score a husband only if I smelled like Peter Criss”.
If they sold more than one of these, I’ll eat my shoe.
The Score: half a Paul Stanley
5. KISS M&M’s
What?!?: A fantastic way to go on a diet. If the sight of Gene Simmons’ old-fart face headed towards your taste buds doesn’t make you instantly wretch, then there’s no hope for you.
The Score: 3 Paul Stanleys
6. KISS Kasket
What?!?: Easily the most bizarre item in the vast KISS store inventory. That sound you’ll hear when you’re six feet under and buried in this rock ‘n roll monstrosity is the sound of the worms laughing at you.
The Score: 4 Paul Stanleys
7. KISS soap
What?!?: I Wanna Wash and Roll All Night! You can wash off all that face paint with this hideously-colored black bar of soap all day long, but you’ll never truly feel clean.
The Score: 1 and a half Paul Stanleys
8. KISS cereal
What?!?: It’s instantly clear what the KISS wine was for- to make you forget about these. This is KISS Krunch- perfect for when you run out of Rice Peter Crisspies. On the plus side, you know your day can only get better from here.
The Score: 2 Paul Stanleys
9. KISS ketchup
What?!?: Now seriously, what’s so wrong with Heinz that you need to stoop to this level? There’s no proper excuse on Earth to use this BBQ ruiner. Only apply to your burgers and hot dogs if you want to not enjoy them.
The Score: 4 Paul Stanleys
10. KISS bike shorts
What?!?: All I can say is thank God that this picture doesn’t contain an actual KISS fan inside these things.