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The Pringles Logo and the Monopoly Guy…Separated at Birth?

By Andrew Blumetti

Tom Selleck.  Super Mario.  Rollie Fingers.  Ron Swanson.

Just a sampling of some of the most killer mustaches of our generation.  Who doesn’t love an impressive growth of whiskers smack on the upper lip?  Whether it’s a sinister handlebarred villain tying a doomed damsel to the train tracks, or a lanky 1970’s pitcher spitting out his chew on the mound, the hairy gamut is fully covered.

Oddly enough, two well-known soup strainers are continually criminally overlooked on our favorite ‘stache list… but why?  What’s being covered up in Mascot Land?

In the biggest conspiracy theory since the Kennedy assassination, I plan to unearth the mysterious truth of two beloved logos:  The Pringles face and the old Monopoly mascot.  Eat your hearts out Mulder and Scully…

But before this gets hairy, let’s look a little bit closer at the backs of the baseball cards of these two fellas:

Full Name:  Julius Pringles

Business:  The lucrative potato chip game

First Appearance:  1968

Favorite Saying:  “Once you pop, you can’t stop”

Net Worth:  $1 billion per year

Full Name:  Milburn “Uncle” Pennybags, AKA “Mr. Monopoly”

Business:  Worldwide-known board game icon

First Appearance:  1936

Favorite Saying: “Get out of jail, free”

Net Worth:  $7.1 billion

Can’t deny it, the similarities are striking.  Both are billionaires with bushy mustaches, seldom-scene mouths, expressive eyebrows and eyes as black as Darth Vader’s soul. When you get to the bottom of it, what is it with these two that the public has been missing over the past 43 years?  Are they just one character?  Long lost twins?  An eerie kowinkedink?

Well, I’ll give you a minute to get your bookies on the phone, cause like a Kentucky Derby pre-race special, we’re gonna break down our odds here…

Are they just the same person?:  Pennybags ditches that out-of-style top hat, throws on a cheap toupee, and buys some brown hair dye, and BAM!, we’ve got ourselves a secret identity that even Bruce Wayne would envy.  On the other hand, it would seem unnecessary and strange that Uncle Pennybags, a man with a money bin larger than Scrooge McDuck’s, would need to add on a second job in the often-turbulent snack food world.  Odds:  3:1

Separated at birth?:  Well, sure, it’s a valid idea, but the biggest flaw in this reasoning lies in their ages and appearances.  Much like any young attractive Hollywood starlet who dates Wilmer Valderrama, something just doesn’t add up here.  Pringles has a relatively more youthful look that would land him the job of a burnout roadie for Steppenwolf if he’d ever take a minute to get off that tennis ball can.  Mr. Monopoly, on the other hand, looks like a crotchety, rich old man sitting in a lifeboat, watching the poor immigrants slowly sink on the Titanic.  Odds:  9:1

Just a big coincidence?:  In theory, this bland one seems to be the most likely.  It’s not hard to swallow the idea that two big companies just chose similar-looking ‘stachy mascots for their products.  But where’s the fun in that?  C’mon people, live a little.  Odds:  12:1

They are actually both Wilfred Brimley?:  Well, if you’re like me, you’re always a sucker for a dark horse.  This one is like picking the Pittsburgh Pirates back in April to win the World Series this October.   When Halloween rolls around, it’s looking pretty good you’re going to be happy as a clam that you made that bet.  Now, I don’t know much about diabetes, but I think Pringles are safe, and that curmudgeon Brimley would be sitting there getting the last laugh when all that lucrative oat money runs out.  Here’s your golden longshot folks.  Odds:  50:1

So, where does that bring us?  I guess ultimately, we will never know.  It seems more likely we will find out who shot Nice Guy Eddie in Reservoir Dogs before we settle this mettlesome mustachioed mascot mystery.  (For the record, I still think it was the ghost of freshly one-eared dead cop who shot him, but that’s just a stab in the dark.)

Perhaps deep down, that’s the fun of it.  Maybe the next time you’re in the middle of “not stopping” once you’ve popped, or forking hundreds of pastel play dollars over for landing on Park Place, you can throw your own theory into the logo ring too.

Now, I’ve gotta go trademark this whole thing, before sweaty Michael Moore makes a sweaty movie out of it.

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Filed under Comedy, Food, Games, Humor

Sad Character Ice Pops: A Tearjerker

By Andrew Blumetti

Ruff Ruff!

That’s the sound of the dog days of summer coming upon us, sizzling, sultry hot days that grab on, pump up the mercury, and won’t let go.

Luckily, we can kick Mother Nature in her butt with our first-world remedies.  Pools are ready for obnoxious cannonballers, soaking sprinklers are begging to be run through, and air conditioners are blasting an arctic-y full force that could keep a week-old cadaver intact.

Although if you’re like me, and you haven’t seemed to mature out of the third grade, you’re not too proud to grab a couple dead prezzies when you hear that ice cream truck’s joyful music coming down your street (plus, everyone knows food out of a truck always tastes better anyway).  The walls of faded pictures triple-scotch-taped to the side of the truck are full of perennial favorites you hope they have in stock- Bomb Pops, Choco Tacos, ice cream sandwiches, snow cones… boy howdy, it’s almost overwhelming.

When those tried-and-true favorites just seem a little vanilla, why not fight off that sweaty tubby kid next to you and grab the last character-ice pop instead?  They’re truly the apex of a fun chilled treat.  Plus, there’s that added bonus of opening the package and getting a nice chuckle when they end up looking like this

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-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Michelangelo goes to the looney bin:

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– This vampire Spongebob gives new meaning to the word “suck”:

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– Creepy stalker Dora knows where you live ……(long pause)…

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-Na na na na na na na na Crapman!!!  This was after a scuffle with Mr. Freeze:


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-Super Mario may be the money name, but Luigi wouldn’t have pulled this:

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– Wolverine and Spiderman- my Spidey sense is melting!

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-This Powerpuff Girl will most likely kill you while you sleep:

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– See what running around all those loops does to you Sonic?

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– Darth Vader’s cameo in 28 Days Later ended up on the cutting room floor:   

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-Snoopy’s face looks like a Picasso Cubism painting.  Kids don’t care about that:


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-HULK MELT!   I MEAN, SMASH!!!


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– We now know that Tweety Bird is just a yellow skull with blue eyes:


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-Pink Panther needs an exorcism!

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– Normally Pokemon’s slogan is to “catch ’em all”.  We’ll pass this time:

:

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-King Kong is made out of “gorilla berry” flavor.  Between you and me, I honestly didn’t know that was a flavor.

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– Man, not even the summer sun ruins Jimmy Neutron’s killer pompadour…

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– This Bratz ice pop is hypnotizing in the most frightening way…


 

Some photos courtesy of Meredith Allen.

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May the Sauce Be With You: It’s a Star Wars Pizza Party!

A long time ago in an oven far, far away…

By Andrew Blumetti

Ingredients for a Star Wars Pizza:

– dough (warm water, active yeast, flour, salt, olive oil, sugar)

– 1 can of San Marzano tomatoes

– fresh shredded mozzarella cheese

– fresh-picked basil, oregano, with salt and pepper to taste

– optional toppings (pepperoni, sausage, peppers, onions, mushrooms, olives, etc…)

Mix dough ingredients, flatten out, ladle sauce on top, generously sprinkle cheese, add desired toppings and spices and pop that sucka in a 425 degree oven for 15 minutes.  Remove from oven, take your Chewbacca mask off, and enjoy.

WARNING:  I cannot guarantee there will be an actual girl within miles of this thing to actually share it with though.  (Just kidding, no hate mail please.  We all know it’s the Trekkies who have the chick-free parties).

Dig in space buddies!

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Hungry you are…

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He took a solo slice of pizza. 

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The delivery guy took more than 30 minutes, so it cost them no dough:

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Q:  How do you ruin your pizza before you even open the box?

A: This is how:

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(deep heavy breath) Luke, I am your dinner”

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Much like Kevin McAllister, poor Darth was mad no one saved him a plain cheese:


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Some people like their ‘za thin and crispy, some like it thick and chewy

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The competition here is intense.  The only thing missing is, “Luke, I am your Papa John’s”…

 

   

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There’s no way on Earth this doesn’t taste heinous…

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Lego of that slice!

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Wrong party stupid!


(With the exception of the title logo, I don’t own any of these photos, and I don’t have a pizza right now either.  I sure wish one of those two weren’t so.)

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Fifty Shades of Grated Cheese

By Andrew Blumetti

The Earth is made up of 71% water.

Of the remaining 29% of the Earth, nearly all humans inhabit only 4% of it.

Of that 4% of person-filled land, half of it is filled with men.

As a spokesman for all of the 3.5 billion men taking up 2% of this green and blue rock’s surface, I’ll say it- We didn’t, still don’t, and will never get the Fifty Shades of Grey thing.

In my opinion, if it’s not Green Eggs and Ham, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, or anything written by Don Rickles, it just ain’t worth reading.

I don’t know what it is about trashy novels, but that book is still all the rage nowadays with anyone with two X-chromosomes and some free time to read.  We can only assume blonde mimbo/bird magnet, Fabio, is a bit peeved he didn’t make his grandiose comeback on novel’s cover for oogling eyes to oogle.

Despite our male head scratching, it’s British author, E.L. James, who is laughing all the way to the bank.  Much like Twilight, The Hunger Games, or Harry Potter, the Shades series will be an upcoming multi-part film adaptation that will have all the merit of an afternoon Lifetime movie or the God-awful Sutter Home commercials that run during it.

Well, we will have to leave the mediocre writing to James, as I can’t tell you the first thing about trashy novels– they just never took up residence in my wheelhouse.

…Although, that wouldn’t really bring us anywhere, and to quote the philosophical brain of Andy Dwyer from Parks and Recreation, “The show must go wrong.”

So, ladies, being the eternal giver I am, prepare to have your fancy tickled… tickled big time.  Throw away your Grey books, put those scampish rugrats to bed early, close the shutters, pour yourselves some wine, and kick back for the tastiest read of the year.

My gift to you:  FIFTY SHADES OF GRATED CHEESE

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1.  “Homer Simpson”

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2.  “Art Alexakis’s Hair”

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3.  “Bert and Ernie”

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4.  “Kirsten Stewart’s Complexion”

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5.  “Tampa Bay Buccaneers Uniforms, circa 1980”


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6.  “The Floor After a Madonna Haircut”

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7.  “Jaundice Spongebob”

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8.  “The Joker’s Face”

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9.  “Hitler’s Ideal Hair Color”

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10.  “The Beard of the Old Guy From Home Alone

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11.  “In Utero Album Color”

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12. “Ku Klux Kheese”

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13.  “Very Paul Hogan”

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14. “Kill Bill Outfit”

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15.  “Sloppy Candy Corn”

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16.  “The Cover of Rage Against the Machine’s Evil Empire

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17. “Stay Puft”

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18. “Mr. Blonde”

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19.  “Devo”

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20.  “Bird’s Eye View of Christina Aguilera”


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21. “Extreme Sigur Rós”

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22. “Seasick Big Bird”

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23. “Nick Nolte Mugshot”

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24.  “Cheesegally Blonde”

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25.  “Electric Penguin Beak”

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26.  “Racial Harmony”

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27. “Hulk Hogan’s Skin”

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28.  “Encore at a Coldplay Concert”

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29. “Party On Garth!”

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30. “Thom Yorke in the ‘Creep’ Video”

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31.  “Borat’s Suit”

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32.  “The Crowd Shopping at J. Crew”

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33.  “Not Getting in the Apollo Theater”

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34.  “Ozzy Osbourne’s Lunch in the 1980’s”

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35.  “Wu-Tang Clan Logo”

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36.  “The Family Circus Kids’ Hair”


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37.  “Day Old Chowder”

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38.  “Generic Indian Food”

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39.  “New Jersey Tanning Mom”

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40.  “Every Scene in Fargo

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41. “Leftover Turnip at Thanksgiving”

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42.  “Wigga”

 

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43.  “Fruity-Looking Powdered Wig”

 

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44.  “Michael Jackson, the Post-Molestation Years”

 

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45.  “Offensive Lineman on Every NFL Team”

 

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46.  “Eddie Cheddar”

 

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47.  “Pillsbury Dough Boy, the Sequel”

 

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48.  “Egon’s Hair in The Real Ghostbusters

 

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49.  “Flo from the Progressive Insurance Commercials”

 

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50.  “Gunther Gable Williams”

 

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Sylvester Stallone- This is Your Life! (In Action Figures)

By Andrew Blumetti

Mr. Michael Sylvester Gardenzio Stallone, you have been an American film institution for the last four decades.  We’ve cheered you on and threw popcorn at the screen as you heroically battled Apollo Creed, hung from snowy cliffs, warned us of your shooting mom, and shot up the blasted Vietcong till they resembled slices of Swiss cheese.

And Sly, we still love you, even though the years may not have been very kind.  Your slur has become more slurry, your tattooed muscles more awkward,  and your face may look like a melted plastic mess, but guldarnit, so do these toys…

Rocky’s happy they were able to get the short bus to the top of those Philadelphia steps…

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… and Rock’ll knock you out in flamboyant shorts!

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This is a toy…                                          

… and this is an actual human (presumably)

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If you want the rest of the computers to mock yours, insert this uncomfortable-looking thing into the USB port: 

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This is Stallone from Cobra, or the guy from 30 Seconds to Mars…

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Judge Dredd!  The worst movie you’ve never seen…

  

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He doesn’t know how to use the three shells, but with that messed-up hip going on there, he’s got bigger problems in the commode…

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This is a dummy used in Demolition Man.  This is also the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.  …and I saw Demolition Man.

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Sly’s character “Weaver”, from the animated film A Bug’s Life  Antz.  It’s either Satan, The Noid, or a commie cricket.  Either way, your pizza’s getting crapped on.

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Dean DeLeo from Stone Temple Pilots!  That’s what you were thinking too, right?

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This gem says “Ages 5 & Up”.  Which is odd, cause 5-year-olds don’t seem like the target demographic for Rambo.  Guess it’s something for them to play with when they get sick of their Hannibal Lecter Easy Bake Oven and “I Spit On Your Grave Revenge Barbie”.  

Side note:  Someone should put that drawing on the box in a museum.

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Rambo’s simultaneous somber face and jazz hands sure are a head scratcher…

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Stallone from The Expendables 2.  The lesson here is that the more accurate the toy looks, the less enjoyable it is. 

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Over the Top Stallone says, “Go Amrrrrrica!”  (If you didn’t laugh at that, go back and reread it with a slur.  If you still didn’t laugh, mission accomplished.)

And no, they never made an Oscar figure.  Believe me, I checked… 

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The Top Mop-Top Flops on The Boob Tube

By Andrew Blumetti

Remember Dutch Boy Paint?  Travel down any hardware store aisle, and that lovable lil’ scamp with the rosy cheeks and sunshine-colored locks will be smiling right back at you, dripping yellow paintbrush in hand, begging for a home on your living room walls.

For a company actually based out of Ohio, that’s a pretty adorable idea, and boy howdy, it sold buckets of the stuff.  One couldn’t be blamed to think it would make sense that the same look would translate well in other areas of marketing, right?  Throw some shaggy blonde hair on a chihuahua and maybe that bilingual Taco Bell dog would still be around.  Maybe the GEICO cavemen would’ve been easier to stomach if they popped a little peroxide on that noggin.

Surprisingly enough, Tinsletown never felt the same way.  Case in point:  the 20th Century epidemic of irrelevant WASP-y sitcom children who forgettably graced our television sets.

Follow the yellow-haired road:

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1. Jonathan Bower (Who’s The Boss?) played by Danny Pintauro

According to IMDB, he was on all 196 episodes of the series, and I can’t remember anything significant he did in any of them.  That Danza was really an attention hog, wasn’t he?

Honestly it’s more shocking that show ran that long.  To think we watched Mona decompose for eight seasons is borderline terrifying.

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2. Andrew “Andy” Keaton (Family Ties) played by Brian Bonsall

Now, there’s clearly some bias here, seeing as how the character and I share the same first name.  Despite that, this impish pre-turd loses major points for trying to steal the irrelevant thunder from Nick and Skippy, two already established characters who proudly claimed that throne for years before this punk came around.  Respect your elders Andy.

For more recent news on Bonsall, check your local police blotter, as the now throat-tattooed former child actor was arrested for attacking a friend with a wooden stool.  You can bet Skippy is faring much better.

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3. Mark Taylor (Home Improvement) played by Taran Noah Smith

Remember when Mark Taylor broke Tim’s wrench?  Or when he was tricked to think he was adopted?  Or the time he went to the mall, went on a Hot Topic shopping spree, bought some guyliner and turned all goth on us?

Nope?  Me neither.  Because there were already two other floppy spaghetti-haired runts on the show already.  The quota was already reached, and Mark ended up being the biggest tool on the show.

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4. Seven (Married… with Children) played by Shane Sweet

A classic case of subtraction by addition.  A hated character who the writers at least had the brains to quickly write off the show…  and leave us with more air time for shim neighbor Marcy, who would’ve turned full-on into a man, had the show ran a couple more seasons.  The actual film, Seven, didn’t have that ugly of an ending.

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5. Ben Seaver (Growing Pains) played by Jeremy Miller

See:  #1.

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6. Nicky and Alex Katsopolis (Full House) played by Dylan and Blake Tuomy-Wilhoit

When you’re on a show with Dave Coulier and you’re still the most annoying blonde, you’re doing something wrong.  Cut. It. Out!

It seems odd that two parents, neither of whom were blonde, gave birth to these two hay-haired Hitler-youths.  Come to think of it, there was only one cute blonde on this show, and it was Comet, the golden retriever.  Between you and me, I bet Blake was the primadonna of the two.

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7. Cousin Oliver (The Brady Bunch) played by Robbie Rist

One of the quintessential examples of shark jumping… literally.  Cousin Oliver (The Brady Bunch’s unwanted answer to The Partridge Family’s already unwanted Ricky) was another child in a show filled with already too many children.  His look-  a dwarfy John Denver with serial killer potential who probably smelled like corn chips, never resonated with American viewing audiences.

Clearly, you gotta earn your way into those nine squares.

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8. Elroy Jetson (The Jetsons)

Confession time.  I actually can’t say I’ve ever watched an episode of the futuristic family spacecom, The Jetsons, so it may not be fair for me to pick on this animated little extra-terrestrial ragamuffin who dresses like he’s sporting a Oktoberfest costume from the Party City bargain bin.

On the other hand, this kid has those evil squirrel eyes  …and he looks like he’s from Switzerland  …and why he wears a wrist watch in space is beyond me.

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