Blumes’s Misleading Halloween Party Playlist

By Andrew Blumetti

Was your Columbus Day party as lame as mine?

Sure, the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria chili dips burned, and the bowl full of 1,492 olives ended up being a colossal waste of money, but your heart was in the right place, wasn’t it?

And how on the face of great, green Planet Earth you were able to get more suckers guests to give you a second chance only a few weeks later for your Halloween shindig makes you think something’s gotta be in the water supply.

But nonetheless, here’s your chance to make things right.  Dim the lights, toss up some icky cobwebs, a few delightfully horrific decorations, a delicious hors d’oeuvres platter of Halloweenies or Zombielamb-chops, and before you know it, folks on both sides of the Mason Dixon line will be waxing poetic about the triumphant haunted hootenanny you threw that fateful evening of October 31st in the year 2013.

Well, not so fast there chief.  Without some quality rump shakin’ tunes, they ain’t gonna be fawning like rabid Justin Bieber fans just yet.  Those fellas didn’t dress up as rootin’ tootin’ cowboys, and those ladies didn’t starve themselves for two weeks and squeeze themselves into skin-tight slutty cop costumes just to stand there in your living room like lazy lumps on a log.

“This party DOESN’T have the right to remain silent!”

Well, take it from me, if you don’t want your gussied-up guests to go stormin’ out the front door before the steaming hot Pieday the 13ths hit the table, certainly don’t pick your songs based solely on title or artist name alone.  It turns ugly, and it turns ugly fast.  

Case in point:  My 2012 party soundtrack…

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TRACK #1:  THE CRANBERRIES- “Zombie”

This might be of Eminem, I cannot fully be sure.  

Listen to it here.

What you expect:  A decrepit hand breaks the cold cemetery soil, as dozens of flesh-hungry dead cannibals rise to their rotting feet, black-tongued and blood-filled mouths, groaning the words, “do you have to let lingerrrrrrrr…”

What you get:  Not nearly as Walking Dead-ish as the title would suggest, this excellent mid-90’s alt rock staple is a protest song surrounding the violence and unrest in Northern Ireland, inspired by the 1993 IRA bombing in Warrington, Cheshire.  Don’t use it at your Halloween party, you’ll look like an insensitive dunce.

Rick and roll!

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TRACK #2:  FRANK SINATRA- “I’ve Got You Under My Skin”

“Hey punk, don’t use my song at your party, or I’ll clean your clock.”

Take a listen here.

What you expect:  Your mind races and your nerves tremble as the padded walls of the nuthouse close in on you faster and faster.  Is your cracking brain playing tricks on you?  Maybe, look at your skin crawl after all– it could be festering bugs laying their eggs, it could be a deadly disease rotting you from the inside out, or it could be a mean prank that wisenhimer Dean Martin played on you when you were using the bathroom.  The line between madness and reality is blurring faster than ‘Ol Blue Eyes’ vision, eight drinks in, at a hotel bar following a Saturday night show.

What you get:  Some feel it’s about the drink, but the popular and direct interpretation of this Sinatra favorite is likely about the all-powerful pull of love and attraction.  That overwhelming feeling when you just can’t get that special person out of your mind and heart.  Just the same way I feel about Pauly Shore.

“I love you too, budddddday.”

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TRACK #3:  FOREIGNER- “Hot Blooded”

“DOWN WITH SLEEVES!”

I guess you could listen to it here.  If you really wanna…

What you expect:  Laying in the cold bed in the harshly-lit infirmary, the soundtrack to your horrific stay is riddled with coughing and phlegm-filled hacking from fellow bedridden sickies.  Your poor head is throbbing like the Dickens, and your blood is on the verge of boiling right there in your freakin’ veins.  Your now pale complexion is drained of all discernible color and each agonizing minute of this agonizing pain feels one step closer to grim death.

What you get:  “A fever of wait… 103°”?!?  Oh for God’s sake.

True, it’s certainly no walk in the park, but that doesn’t necessarily throw you into the depths of certain doom.  It more than likely throws you into a doctor’s office to get some orders to take a few Advil and chug some more liquids.   But you have to pay full price for your office visit because the Obamacare website IS DOWN!!!!   THE HORROR!!!

“STUPID ERROR 404!!!”

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TRACK #4:  CURTIS MAYFIELD- “Freddie’s Dead”

This is how many times Curtis Mayfield’s estate is going to sue me for using his name in this article.

Get down and check it out here.

What you expect:  “One, two, Freddy’s coming for you…” 

You can finally sleep sound as your once-terrorized dreams have become much safer.  Sadistic, striped-sweatered-sleeping slayer, Freddy Krueger, has finally met his maker, as his blood-covered razor-fingers lie next to his putrid, rotting corpse, never to destroy your nightmares again.

He was also mad Curtis Mayfield misspelled his name in the title, but hey, Freddy’s got some anger issues.

What you get:  A song about the death of “Fat Freddie”, a character from 70’s Blaxploitation film, Super Fly (the song appeared on the film’s soundtrack).  That’s what eating at Heart Attack Grill every day will do to ya, Freddie.

“I don’t need you Mayfield, I’ll just make my own song!”

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TRACK #5:  RADIOHEAD- “Creep”

Radiohead is one of my all-time favorites, but this song about the Itsy-Bisty Spider just came off as pretentious.

You don’t belong here, you should be here, listening to this song.

What you expect:  What’s that?   Look outside your window.   Is someone outside?

There’s a full moon out on an icy-cold Halloween eve.  The rustling sounds in the bushes are sending a chill up your spine and making your heart race faster than Miley Cyrus shedding her clothes the second she sees a camera flash.  Is a crazy axe murderer outside?  Maybe a blood-thirsty werewolf?  Terrifying little kids with those orange boxes collecting for UNICEF?!?

What you get:  Oh Thom, you silly goose, you’re not creepy.  We love you, and your lazy-eye, and your weirdo “bacon sizzling in a frying pan” freakout dancing on stage.  False alarm people, false alarm.

Safety tip from Blumes:   Wondering if annoying hipsters have been stalking you from your window?  Look for the empty Pabst Blue Ribbon cans and empty tins of mustache wax littered on the ground. 

“I bought non-perscription glasses with extra-thick frames, just so I could spy on you better.”

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TRACK #6:  CUTTING CREW- “(I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight”

“When we go to the barber, we just say, ‘Gimme whatever semi-modish 80’s hairdo the rest of the band is wearing'”.

Insomniacs rejoice!  Pretend you’re watching a late night “Best Love Song Hits” CD commercial here.

What you expect:  (The closing minutes of a slasher horror movie)– post serial killer attack, lots coughing up blood, gasping for many last breaths, dramatic music, and a final pleading to make it out alive.  Note:  The black guy died early on in the film.  Way to fall into lazy stereotypes, fictional movie that I just made up.

What you get:   Soft rock-   heavy on the soft, light on the rock.  When you’re 45-minutes into a wait at the eye doctor’s office for your semi-annual checkup, reading a wrinkled, old Entertainment Weekly magazine with Ruben Studdard on the cover, this is the ballad that’s likely being played on the radio.  This is the band even Spandau Ballet bullies around while on tour.

“Hey you Cutting Crew fruits, shut up, give us your lunch money and all the crates of mousse that you have.”

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TRACK #7:  THE FUGEES- “Killing Me Softly”

Apparently the ceiling fan was really interesting to stare at.

What you expect:  Under soft candlelight and the comforting crackles of a cozy fireplace, a bewitching murderer cranks up the charm, wining and dining his ill-fated victims seconds before the tapered knife is revealed and the cozy-bearskin rug is horrifically painted with splashes of crimson.

What you get:  A mid-90’s cover of the Roberta Flack hit that the DJ played at our “Class Night” dinner in senior year of high school.  Aside from making me realize that I’m old enough to remember when Pras actually had a career, it’s not really scary.  

Blumes note:  In searching for a picture of Lauryn Hill, the Google search accidentally brought up, “Lauren, Hills”.  This is not Lauryn Hill. 

“I am so Lauryn Hill! Heidi Montag stole my Grammys, and hid them in her shirt!”

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(The remaining tracks apply to any song by these deceptively scary-sounding artists with not-so scary music…)

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TRACK #8:  ANY SONG BY 10,000 MANIACS

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”– George Carlin

Go ahead, be 10,001 right here.

What you expect:  In 1964, a splatter film, Two Thousand Maniacs! was released.  A film “gruesomely stained in blood color!” about Yankee tourists humiliated and hacked to bits by murderous rednecks in the Deep South (the film was remade 40 years later by Robert “Freddy Krueger” Englund” as 2001 Maniacs).  This band must be FIVE TIMES more insane than that!  Scary math!  

What you get:  Nope.  This band should’ve been called, “10,000 White People Who Shop at Banana Republic”, and even then, the math is still very suspect.  And I shop there too.

“Breaking MTV News! Natalie Merchant buys ANOTHER wool jacket!”

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TRACK #9:  ANY SONG BY FINE YOUNG CANNIBALS

FINE. YOUNG. CANNIBALS. —– I basically can find three things wrong with that name.

Don’t drive yourself crazy, relive the 90’s here.

What you expect:  Hannibal Lecter with a Fender Strat and the most bizarre tour rider ever (when he requests an “Arnold Palmer”, you can be sure he’s not talking about the beverage).

What you get:  Probably the most misleading name on this whole list, these 90’s one-hit-wonders conjure up the image of an opening act for Slayer, constantly headbanging and hair-swirling to legions of fans, with beer in their bellies and their tattooed fists in the air.  How many teenagers were forbid from picking up this CD (no doubt in one of these old-fashioned longbox compact disc packages), due to their frightening-sounding name?

More like “Can’t-ibbals”, AMIRIGHT?!?

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TRACK #10:  ANY SONG BY THE KILLERS

Blumes note: The original name of The Killers was “Hans Solo and Three Disinterested Guys“.

You know the drill.

What you expect:  The prison jug band Charles Manson put together.

What you get:  Incredibly popular 21st Century Las Vegas-based alternative band who took their moniker from a New Order video, which may be the least-terrifying way to name your band.   Take it from me and my new band, Blumes Monday, whose new album will be out in 2016.

“I don’t care what The David Berkowitz Trio says, we’re headlining BOTH prison festivals this year- Co-Cell-a, and Jail-apalooza.  I’m not crazy, I’m God.  YOU’RE crazy.”

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TRACK #11:  ANY SONG BY MURDER BY DEATH

Hip-hip-hooray for ½-priced day at Pocket Watches ‘Я Us!

Take a break from all that candy eatin’ and listen here.

What you expect:  Well, basically, the band who’d be opening for Fine Young Cannibals, who are opening for Slayer.   Murder and death in one band name?  Bloody Halloween metal up yo tuckus!

What you get:  This talented Bloomington, Indiana-based indie act, with a highly-deceiving name taken a 1976 Robert Moore whodunit comedy, summons the uncanny sound of folky alt-country, drenched in a whiskey-soaked marriage of Johnny Cash and Nick Cave, all taking place in a haunted 19th-Century saloon.

Actually, maybe this would fit in well, tell me this isn’t the stuff October nightmares are made of…

Johnny Cash says, “Catpy Halloween!“

White People: Ruining Hip-Hop Halloween Costumes Since the 80’s… OR MAKING BETTER?!?

By Andrew Blumetti

 

Welcome to an area definitely far outside of my wheelhouse.

Anyone who has spent just ten minutes around me can tell you I have about as much grasp on the hip-hop culture as the Jacksonville Jaguars have on a shiny Vince Lombardi trophy.

Popular terms like “yo” and “holla” would look like bad French spilling out of my awkward mouth.  Plus, the word “crunk” is totally lost on me, I can’t explain why there are so many grown men with “Lil” in their name, and don’t get me started on size stickers on flat-brimmed baseball caps.

I’ll admit- it’s simply not my forte, and will most likely never be, which I’m very happy with. Truthfully, it’s good to know deep-down what you like and what genuinely works for you.  (If more people followed that basic idea, maybe Garth Brooks wouldn’t have done this.)

But after looking at these Titanic-sized swings-and-miss costumes of some of the most legendary names in hip-hop, maybe I can pull it off better than I initially gave myself credit for.

“Wow, Blumes is talking about rap? I must be REALLY high, even by Snoop Dogg standards!”

If rap culture has spent the past three decades establishing itself as the cutting edge of trendy fashion, popular vernacular, and sleek style- well then these crappy cracker-crazy costumes just pushed that progress back about two of those decades.

So, together, let’s get down with our funky selves, bust out some killer breakdancing skills, and blast the soundtrack for October 2013. I invite you to throw on “Tennessee” (that song was cool, right?), blast out those human beatboxes (now I know those have to be cool) and get yourself ready for a not so hip-hop Halloween…

Word. 

(W)RAP IT UP, THESE COSTUMES STINK!

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 COSTUME #1:  HAIR-RAISING BAD

I think that’s…  Christopher “Kid” Reid, the eraser-haired half of early 90’s duo, Kid N’ Play

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

Sure, in 2010, having an official Pauly D. blow-out wig and some orange Oompa Loompa makeup could’ve turned you into the hippest guido on the block at Halloween parties, but what do you do with that wig when it’s 2013?

Simple!  Follow these easy steps…

1. Pull that dusty Jersey Shore wig out of the crawl space.
2. Grab a bottle of Elmer’s Glue, two if necessary.
3. Dump it on and spike that sucka straight up to the Heavens.
4. Pop it on your noggin.
5. Proceed to try and impress the ladies with a rap costume from before they were born. 
6. Go home dateless! 

Street Cred Score (From 1-10):  1

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COSTUME #2:  “KEEP THE CHANGE YA FILTHY ANIMAL.”

I think that’s… 50 Cent, popular 21st Century rapper/human target/entrepreneur/partial investor of Vitamin Water beverage.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

“It’s got grapes in it! And if you let it sit, then it’ll have raisins in it!”

Well, if someone’s gotta be shot nine times, I think this guy’s costume may make him a prime candidate.

If you’re American, this scenario will ring true…

To satisfy that overwhelming hunger craving, you run out to the nearest convenience store and grab a bag of delicious, delicious Doritos and all their nacho-cheesy greatness.  All ready to rip that bag open and orange-powder-up your fingers, you look down at the jingling store change resting in your palm, and see a freakin’ Canadian quarter sitting in there!

How’d that thing weasel its way in there?!?

They’re like a plague. Next to worthless here, they won’t work in vending machines or parking meters, and the only hope to rid yourself of them is to pawn them off on some other sucker.

Well, leave it to the Canadians to get creative at Halloween, as we see the white guy take on 50 Cent.  Personally, I would’ve been more impressed if he gave it a twisted spin and made a costume of “The Human 50 Cent-ipede” instead, but that’s probably too much change*.

Street Cred Score:  ½ (or .50)

*  Even I thought that joke was horrible!  

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COSTUME #3:  DON’T TOUCH THIS!

I think that’s… M.C. Hammer, superstar of the early 90’s whose pants doubled as a tarp for the infield at Fenway Park.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

“I’m hiding all my extra parachute pants inside of this pair that I’m currently wearing!”

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What can I say about this costumed dingus that the picture doesn’t already scream out?  (AKA…. bad puns approaching…)

• He’s not “2 legit” and if anyone should quit, we’re looking right at him.

• He certainly didn’t “nail” the Hammer costume…  wokka wokka.

• And he shouldn’t bother saying “U Can’t Touch This”, the women at the Halloween party already made that decision for him the second he walked in.

Street Cred Score:  1.  (But to be fair, that’s the same number as the actual Hammer, so kudos, guy.)

Psy! We can wear these pants together in the unemployment line!”

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COSTUME #4:  HELLO NASTY…COSTUMES

I think that’s… The Beastie Boys, groundbreaking New York hip-hop trio who fought for your right to party.  Don’t forget that, ingrates.

But don’t they actually look like…?

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Their Beasties threads, while pretty simple, actually aren’t all that bad. Although these three goobers are skirting right on the edge of looking like bad Smurfs rejects, who also happen to hang out together.

Geez, where’s Gargamel when you need him?

♪ “No… Sleep… TILL BROOKLYN!” ♪

Street Cred Score:  8

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COSTUME #5:  WRONG SPICE GIRLS

I think that’s… Salt-N-Pepa, the 90’s female hip-hoppers who weren’t TLC.

But don’t they actually look like…?

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These half-dressed girls went with these last-minute no-frills Salt-N-Pepa Halloween costumes when their Thelma & Louise ones didn’t arrive in time.

See ladies?  This is why it’s so important to have an extra emergency floozy outfit hanging around.  Just in case…

Stop! Or my mom will SHOOP!

Street Cred Score:  3

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COSTUME #6:  SLIM SHODDY

I think that’s… Eminem, one of the world’s best-selling artists of the past 30 years.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

One of Slim Shady’s most prolific singles is the 2000 hit, “Stan”, a near-frightening narrative of stalkerish fan-obsession gone overboard.  Safe to say this dude may have been his target audience for that signature tune, as this doesn’t look like a costume as much as it does an everyday borderline-unhealthy walking homage to the famous Detroitian.

But try as I might, I just can’t trash smart, frugal shopping.  When your Halloween costume consists of just a single bottle of peroxide, it leaves more cash to blow on generically hum-drum tattoos.

Street Cred Score:  6

“After seeing that costume, this is now the SECOND most awkward moment of my life.”

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COSTUME #7:  DUMP DUMP!

 

I think that’s… Kris Kross, backwards-clothes-wearing duo who had one more member than hit songs. Half a hit each guys, not too shabby!

But don’t they actually look like…?

These dufus-y costumes will make you jump jump!… of a cliff.

Well, to be fair- these Kris Kross-inspired backwards-threads would look equally stupid on everyone, regardless of race.

Better watch the amount of liquids you’re intaking at the party gentlemen, keep in mind the fly in those pants is on the wrong side now.  You don’t want to imagine the cringeworthy embarrassment of telling the doctor you ruptured your bladder because you couldn’t access the zipper on your dumb Kris Kross pants in time?

His medical diagnosis?

“That’s wiggity wiggity wiggity whack!   I’m writing you a prescription for anti-whack pills.  Take two and call me in the morning.” 

Street Cred Score:  3

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COSTUME #8:  CERTAINLY NOT KOSHER

I think that’s… Tupac Shakur, the late gangsta rapper/current hologram, who is somehow still releasing records nearly two decades after his death.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

This is just like my tattoo, but it says “HUG LIFE” instead.

Mazel Tov!

Two guys, no shirts, half a brain.

Tupac… Jewish?  Oh Jewpac.  Clever work fellas.  (Or maybe Dr. Dredle?)

This will certainly not help the already fragile East Coast and West Coast Jewish gang relations.  Oy vey, it’s a scrawny-guy driveby! 

Those costumes insult everyone! Now pull up your pants and eat something!

Street Cred Score:  ½

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COSTUME #9:  NO BOYEEEEE!!!

I think that’s… Flavor Flav, the slapstick member of Public Enemy who never has an excuse to be late to bingo because he wears a giant Bugs Bunny-ish clock around his exhausted neck 24-hours a day.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

Old Man Flavor Flav, partying till the late hour of 4:30pm.

Welcome to Yo!  MTV Craps!

Sure, it’s been a rough few weeks for Eli Manning and the lackluster New York Giants.  With their big blue wheels stuck spinning firmly in the mud, this football season hasn’t gotten off to the start anyone in the Big Apple has expected.

But all jokes aside, if the G-Men are still winless by the end of October, that costume may be an accurate depiction of how a dejected younger Manning will be spending his bummer of a Halloween.

Awww shucks, how come no one picks on Peyton instead?

Street Cred Score:  2

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COSTUME #10:  LIL’ LAME

I think that’s… Lil Wayne.  I don’t know anything about Lil Wayne.  I think apparently, he may have a unibrow.  I think he went to jail.  I think this nincompoop shouldn’t be too far behind for looking like that.  Not to mention that this guy went the always-popular route of blackface, and then had to draw fake tattoos on top of the makeup.  Tasteless or not, that’s some effort put in there.

But doesn’t he actually look like…?

Funny enough, that costume makes that guy look more white than he probably did beforehand.  And isn’t the sign of any well-pulled-off costume having to hold a photo of the person you’re supposed to be next to you?  Bravo, young man.

Blumes note:  I stand corrected, I actually do know something about Lil Wayne.  In fact, just this week, I read an article about him guest starring in a most-likely ear-offensive new song by Paris Hilton, and in its brain cell-killing accompanying video. Talk about a spooky October…

Between this terrible costume and that song, it’s officially a toss-up of which is the bottoming-out point of his life.

Street Cred Score: -1

“On this song, we actually sampled the sound of my great-grandfather turning over in his grave!”

Wow, My Twitter Account Stinks.

By Andrew Blumetti

That little blue bird is the worst.

When you register for Twitter, the odds are really stacked against you, and that little fat-beaked, blue feathery tormenter is pulling the strings, laughing all the way to the bank.

Talk about fowl…

That’s more or less my personal experience with Twitter early on.  Upon first use, it was a bit confusing- it lacked the flash and browser-freezing pizazz of MySpace in its heyday, and the alien layout seemed worlds away from the friendly confines of Zuckerberg land, AKA Facebook.  The logo might as well have been a splotch of white bird poo instead.

But as time went by, living in a fast-paced world of retweets, short character limits, and starting every sentence with the “@” symbol didn’t seem as daunting as it originally did. Hey, if Kevin McCallaster could get used to his creepy torture basement and devil-furnace in Home Alone, then I could, suck it up, grow a beard, be a real man and tweet.

Yeah, we all know it’s the blue bird’s nest, but you’ve laid an egg of a nice little group of fellow social networking friends, and much like a comfy long-worn butt-imprint in the couch cushions, you’ve found yourself a sweet little groove to settle into.

Talk about happy endings…  Maybe all it took was time!   Maybe this Twitterin’ thing ain’t so bad after all.

Then Sydney Leathers came and ruined it all…

In a minor attempt at a self-deprecating tweet, I aimed to poke fun at Anthony Weiner’s texting buddy’s follower number comparing it to my modest amount of 172.  I was expecting a far lower number, then, like a bucket of ice cold water right in the face,  it hit home just how many more followers this faux celebrity had over me.

Let me put it this way, if my Twitter account was feeling like Kid N’ Play’s House Party, stupid Sydney Leathers just called the cops to break up the shindig at the best part.

“What you doin’ Leathers?”

THE BAD NEWS:  These D-list celebs are milking their head-scratching 15 minutes of fame, with a shockingly high number of Twitter followers*  that will make you barf, only to feel safe, then barf again.

THE GOOD NEWS:  By the time you finish reading this piece, most of their 15 minutes will be well over.

(Shameless plug:  You can find me on Twitter:  @99redblumes)

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I (somewhat) proudly present to you…

“TWITTER’S 15 MINUTES OF LAME”

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SYDNEY LEATHERS  (@sydneyelainex)

 

Known For:   Somehow being the trashier of the two parties involved in the embarrassing Anthony Weiner scandal. Since her admission that she and the disgraced politician had a “more than friendly” texting relationship, she’s taken lockjaw to her sputtering fifteen minutes of fame and is shamelessly following it into its grave. 

Because there’s no high roads in Weinerville, Leathers bought a one-way ticket to the dump instead– quickly accepting an offer from Vivid Entertainment and embracing her current career as a wannabe adult-film star.

I’ll also save you the Hostel-esque torture of reading her painful Twitter feed: She hates Anthony Weiner.  So much in fact, she mentions him in nearly every tweet and appeared uninvited to confront him at his concession party following his failed New York Mayoral campaign last week.

Plus, her last name is an insult to cows everywhere.

Current Number of Followers:  6,838

Scholarly Tweet:  “Pretty sure breast implants are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” (9/5/13)

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AMY FISHER  (@RealAmyFisher) 

 

Known For:  Being the “Long Island Lolita”- basically the brand name version to the generic Sydney Leathers.  Take a gander, you gander-takers:

1991:   Having an affair with non-heartthrob, Joey Buttafuoco, a man who basically looks like a human version of Zubaz pants, at age 16.

1992:   Shooting Buttafuoco’s then-wife, Mary Jo, in the head at point blank range at her front door, leaving her seriously wounded, as if being married to him wasn’t painful enough.

1993:   Served six years of a 5 to 15 year sentence in prison on charges of “first degree assault”.

2007:   Turned troubled life around and started career as an adult entertainer.

2009:   Signed a deal with Lee Entertainment to become a stripper, doing monthly shows.  Stating she will proudly strip until, her fans say, “Dear, please put your clothes back on. You’re too old.”  Which is so obviously true, it should’ve been done in big giant skywriting.

2013:    Dwarfed me in Twitter followers, but in her defense, she still hasn’t shot anyone else.

Current Number of Followers:  16,361

Scholarly Tweet:  “I read today I was a D-list celeb…that is so awsome, D is like 4th in the alphabet…. that’s pretty good… hee hee”  (11/9/11)

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KATO KAELIN (@Kato_Kaelin)

 

Known For:  Being the one guy in O.J. Simpson’s Ford Bronco who didn’t murder someone that June evening in 1994, eating McDonald’s with murderers, never having tied a tie in his life, managing to say the word “umm” more times on the witness stand than me trying to order at Starbucks, looking exactly like a guy named Kato Kaelin should look.

“Kato ate THIS MANY of my Chicken McNuggets!”

Current Number of Followers:  2,358

Scholarly Tweet:  “If the saying” u are what u eat” then how come I’m not Chinese?”   (6/12/13)

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SHIFTY SHELLSHOCK  (@shiftyrocks)  (Spoiler alert:  Shifty most certainly does not rock.)

Known For:  Being the vocalist for early 00’s one-hit wonders, Crazy Town (this band), a sought-after gig that Sinatra could only wish he’d have lived to see, also a career of rehab reality shows that actually had more legs than his career as a musician.   Dr. Drew sends him a fruit basket as thanks every Christmas.

(Blumes Fun Fact:  Back in 2000, Shellshock’s imbecilic “Everyone PLEASE look at me!” appearance created a worldwide eyeroll so big, it actually tilted the Earth off its axis.)

Current Number of Followers:  2,977 (account hasn’t been used in nearly three years)

Scholarly Tweet:  “Just left the Dentist, fun times….”  (4/29/10)

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SPENCER PRATT  (@spencerpratt)

 

Known For:  Being the less-talented half of “Speidi”, the ultimate portmanteau of 21st Century incompetence.  Aside from being married to fellow reality television star/socialite/plastic surgery guinea pig, Heidi Montag (of MTV’s The Hills fame), Pratt became infamous for ruffling feathers, frequenting social hotspots where paparazzi could find him, growing the most awkward beard humanly possible, and not having to resort to working in clown dunk tanks at county fairs… yet. 

Current Number of Followers:  979,112    (For a comparison, that’s nearly ONE THIRD of the followers Pope Francis currently has.  I’ll wait a minute so you can get Advil for your headache.)

Scholarly Tweet:  “Some people say I’m all washed up. Joke’s on them – I haven’t bathed in weeks”  (2/2/13)

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DUSTIN DIAMOND (@dustindiamond)

 

Known For:  Portraying super-geeky Samuel “Screech” Powers on multiple editions of 90’s high-school comedy series, Saved By the Bell.  A squeaky-voiced clod with a terrifying white-guy afro who devolved into more of a bumbling boob-caricature as the series aged.   The scientific term is “Urkeling” his character.

Diamond’s career was truly just a cubic zirconia, as he took a historic header straight down Crap Mountain–  declaring bankruptcy, appearing on a variety of two-bit retread reality shows, failed attempts at music and comedy, along with marital troubles, online harassment, house foreclosure, and a released adult-video.

“Congrats Elizabeth Berkley!  Unless there’s a Showgirls 2, you’re not going to win ‘Most Awkward Career Choice” at the next Saved By the Bell reunion!”

Current Number of Followers:  13,887

Scholarly Tweet:  “Sometimes when I’m bored I lay on my kitchen floor and pretend I’m a crumb…”  (7/8/12)

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Blumes note:  Of course this is all in good fun.  In the end, quality reigns over quantity everytime.  I’d take my excellent fellow Tweeters any day of the week over Kato Kaelin’s thousand of nameless cronies.

Heck, at least none of us lived with O.J.  …I hope. 

(*All numbers are accurate as of 9/19/13.)