By Andrew Blumetti
“Wait, what? I’m performing at the Super Bowl!?”
With less than seven days until the biggest of big games approaches, are you still scraping for last-minute plans like Urkel on prom night? Or maybe you’re a diehard who bleeds Bronco blue and orange? Or you drink so much Starbucks, your jittery veins just scream out to support Seattle? Perhaps the marquee clash of Peyton Manning vs. Russell Wilson means 100% diddly squat to you, and you’re just are looking to punish your belt by eating your weight in Buffalo wings? OR… just maybe you’re looking to spend Super Bowl week 2014 at the epicenter of the pigskinned party action?
Well, no matter what your interest, wonder no longer friends. Pack your wooliest mittens and your 90’s Starter jackets, you’re coming to Jersey!
cushion-y!
Unless you’re living under a rock (which granted, may be a very nice rock), for the first time in the nearly fifty years of the big game, we are about to experience Super Bowl XLVIII, the first such game played in a cold weather location, in an open stadium.
That stadium is called MetLife Stadium.
That stadium, MetLife Stadium, is located in East Rutherford, NJ.
That stadium, MetLife Stadium, located in East Rutherford, NJ, just so happens to be less than ten minutes from my house.
Don’t let the gigantic Pepsi tent fool you, that’s the greatest 1.5 billion dollar spaceship-y looking stadium money can buy!
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Which means…
A. The entire surrounding area has been plastered with these banners for the past month. Literally, everywhere. I think there’s one on my back.
B. Traffic is more trafficy, even by this area’s high traffic standards. Also, traffic.
and…
C. Everyone and their grandmother is making a sweet, sweet buck off this game. From parties, endless merchandise, themed events, and even renting out spare rooms to out-of-state visitors.
So, of course, when in Rome…
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Attention football lovers, haters, and the indifferent! I happily present to you, an offer, make that the offer of a lifetime! (Well, technically, I guess that’s kinda true) It’s time for…
BLUMES’S SUPER BOWL WEEK EXTRA-EXTRAVAGANZA!
Yes, you’ve Q-Tipped your ears thoroughly and heard that last statement correctly. Leave your most-likely warmer climate, trek on over to the East Coast, kick back and stay for a spell in the Garden State, and you can spend this upcoming week with me in high style!
Included in this relatively glorious package is:
- A one-of-a-kind tour of the local area, including, but not limited to: the icy parking lot of MetLife Stadium, the numerous ceiling-high supermarket towers of Pepsi cases, and insider hotspots, guided by yours truly. Included will be such insightful and highly riveting commentary as:
– “Hey, that’s the cemetery where Joey Ramone is buried!”
– “Oh look, that’s the supermarket parking lot where my car battery died last month!”
– “See that place? Their pizza is sooooooo good! Well, only if you go on Wednesday nights.”
– “Can you wait in the car for a second? I gotta go to the ATM.”
– “That Chinese place used to be a Sam Goody! That’s where I bought Significant Other by Limp Bizkit!”
Hey! Leave me out of this!
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- Use of my brand new super-soft The Walking Dead throw blanket:
Practice your best “CARL!!!!” impression while snuggled under this bad boy.
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- The remainder of however many of these Reese’s Pieces are left that I bought the other night: (Note: it will probably be none)
They’re not just for E.T. anymore!
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- I will cook you any meal of your choosing from this book:
Advice: I’m in the mood for burgers, pick them!
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- Did someone say LOST marathon?!?
“We have to go back!”
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- Don’t ask me how, but I managed to get my hands on the best songs of R.E.M.! And I don’t even know anyone! Talk about a score! Prepare to be Michael Stipe-d out…
Together, we will find out what the frequency is.
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- Massive! Snowball! Fight!
If you aim correctly, you can hit Snooki in the head!
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So, let’s get down to business…
How much would you pay for this truly unique, and only mildly crappy experience in the chilly Tri-State tundra for this history-making Super Bowl? $2,000?? $3,000?? Did you say $4,000?!?
Well, if you’re willing to pay that much, how’s $5,000 sound? I could really use the cash.
I gladly accept cash, check, money orders, or bags of loose change if need be. Don’t let this opportunity pass you by. Together, we can put the super in Super Bowl! Or the owl… either way.
See you then!
“What a deal! …a bad deal!”
(…and act fast! I just ate four more of those Reese’s Pieces.)
A Blumes With a View 