My Favorite Super Bowls (That May or May Not Have Happened)

By Andrew Blumetti

Well, this certainly didn’t happen.

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February.

Talk about getting the most bang for your buck.  They really do pack a lot into a little month, don’t they?

In a mere twenty eight days, we’re graced with a bountiful bevy of winter celebration–  Valentine’s Day, Groundhog Day, President’s Day, Mardi Gras, Black History Month, Spring Training, and the most important of ‘em all (after Spring Training of course), there’s the great American holiday of Super Bowl Sunday, the biggest party since New Year’s Eve, only one month ago.

While granted, February’s short run is not as eventful as the unseen four weeks during 28 Days Later, but it makes me happy to celebrate my birthday during what would normally end up being a freezing, snowy, boring month with a girly-colored wuss birthstone.

Are you kidding me?

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Living in the greater New York area, especially within earshot of Giants Stadium (or MetLife Snoopy Stadium, or whatever it’s called now), the excitement, traffic, and overall buzz has been ramped up to a Spinal Tap-worthy 11 as the Denver Broncos go mono-a-mono with the Seattle Seahawks for all the gusto and glamor of gridiron glory.  It’s truly rocky vs. rainy in the Legal Marijuana Bowl.

Blumes note:  This offer still stands!  Now half price! 

But frankly, it’s Friday, January 31st, this is all old hat by now.

At this point, you’ve been endlessly bombarded with Super Bowl ads, magazine covers, news reports, cocky fans, and nonstop party planning for weeks now.  When Monday morning comes, and you’re more chili than man, you’ll undoubtedly know the Super Bowl had come and left its mark.

But that’s not who this article is for. 

Maybe you’re not a fan of hawks or horses, perhaps Richard Sherman’s post-game interview rubbed you the wrong way, or heck, or maybe you’re one of those people seriously considering a 7th Heaven marathon instead of football this weekend.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Your special teams for the Oakland Raiders!

Of course that doesn’t mean you won’t find yourself enjoying the festivities of Super Bowl Sunday.  Dr. Oz-unfriendly food, offensively expensive commercials (that always feature a baby doing something un-babyish), the sickeningly adorable Puppy Bowl, and trying to get your greased-up fingers to press the remote buttons to change the channel as Bruno Mars performs at halftime- this Sunday is a bombastic event that will please folks of all tastes.  …as evident by this walk down memory lane of some truly classic and heavily unorthodox Super Bowl games of yore.

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1. SUPER BOWL XXXII: BATMAN VS. STORMTROOPERS

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na SAFETY!

 

As John Madden once called it in a most clever anagram, “Capes vs. Space”, this battle royale pitted The Dark Knight vs. the Imperial Army for 60 minutes of a nerdtastic pigskin extravaganza.  After a first quarter that was heavy on the Big D, Commissioner Gordon’s 45 yard rush into the endzone to close out the first half put Team Gotham up on top.

No guts, no glory, as the ‘Troopers marched their way back in the 4th quarter.

The second half was a superhero explosion of history-making offense as holy touchdowns Batman!—  the Caped Crusader aired it out to the Boy Wonder (who took a time out from cheerleading) in the Gotham endzone.

But, when the going gets tough, the tough get going, as the Stormtroopers, with their armored backs against the wall, bounced back to tie the game as the 2-minute warning approached.  Coach Vader flipped a crap when an ill-timed interception by Alfred the Butler spelled death for the Star Wars crew with the Bats taking home the trophy to Gotham City with a score of 28-21.

Go Team! Arwwwwwaaaaaaaarrrrrrahahahahahhaahhhhaa!!!!

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2.  SUPER BOWL XI:  KISS BOWL  (AKA THE TOILET BOWL)

 

“I wanna hike the ball all night!”

And you thought the Jaguars were bad…

Nothing screams out “gridiron glory” like mime makeup and gaudy platform shoes on men, but that’s why the KISS bowl was so unique.

Walking embarrassment Gene Simmons bit his long cow tongue as he slipped on his own fake blood on no less than three occasions, turning the usually triumphant game into a fumble-filled lowlight reel.  Pain in the ace, Mr. Frehley, shanked four field goal attempts, and starchild, Paul Stanley?   Well, he might as well have been the MVP… for the other team.

Chest hair and touchdowns!  Not just for Joe Namath anymore!

As far as scoring went, it was Detroit Block City.  The spandexed makeuped-ones never did touch the endzone, as KISS went down in defeat to good taste 49-0.

The best worst part was that they weren’t even asked to play the halftime show.  That honor went to The Doobie Brothers.

The great part about being KISS, is you can sell any crap you want at the souvenir stands…

 

The epilogue to this heavy metal tale of the 100 yards:  KISS never did get back to the Super Bowl, but on the plus side, KISS never did get back to the Super Bowl.

That jersey has the actual number of KISS fans left on Earth.

 

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3.  SUPER BOWL XLV:  ZOMBIE BOWL

Let’s have a hand for the hometeam!

It may have been only three years ago, but who could forget when the undead took down scalpers stadium-wide and invaded the turf during the timeless showdown of the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers?

Turning Aaron Rodgers into an Aaron Rodgers kabob?  Transforming Clay Matthews into an undead Thor?  Sending “Big Ben” Roethlisberger to the sideline to finally get some brains?

It all happened.  I guess.

Indigestion from overindulging in extra hot Buffalo wings rendered Daryl and Michonne practically useless that Sunday.

While the gameplay may have been painfully lumbering and a bit lethargic at times, it was no worse than any given Cleveland Browns game on a random Sunday.

The “Running Dead” tried to bite Tim Tebow on the sidelines, but he was immune to it.

But if Broadway has taught us anything, (and I guess it has…) —  the show must go on, flesh eaters or not.

Time will tell us that the zombies vs. zombies Super Bowl was a tad gory, maybe too confusing at times, and it may have taken five days to finish, but in the end, it was much less traumatizing than the Black Eyed Peas halftime show.

4th Down of the Dead!

 

One would be safe to assume the zombie apocalypse and certain doomsday would put a damper on the game’s festivities, with all the undead cannibalism and spilled guts, but the TV ratings reached an all-time high.  The NFC z-team ended up hoisting the Vince Lombardi Trophy, rotting limbs and all, bringing it back to frigid Green Bay where decaying slows down like Kirstie Alley’s metabolism.

THE ZOMBIES HAVE BECOME HIDEOUS!

The trophy had to be immediately sent out to be cleaned and shined due to the high volume of blood on it …on a weekly basis.

(On a positive note, in the zombie onslaught, Steelers safety Troy Polamalu was attacked, but escaped by a “hair”.)

Parking was tighter than George Costanza’s wallet…

…but the tailgating was awesome!

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4.  SUPER BOWL XLII:  THE RETURN OF BUD BOWL

 

 

Eli vs. Tom- buds for life!

 

For those too young to remember, the Bud Bowl was an early 90’s stop-motion beer bottle football tour de force that found its home during commercial breaks, squeezed in between multi-million dollar ads for Crystal Pepsi and The Bodyguard soundtrack.  It was a kick-glass all-out brawl between Budweiser and Bud Light.  Even as a long retired campaign, for me, that fateful Sunday in 2008 always be the year that the suds saved football.

Hut, hut… HOPS!!!

 

Phoenix, AZ–  When a thunderous monsoon that would’ve knocked over human brick wall, Howie Long, hit, it kept planes grounded and prevented both the Pats and G-Men from making their way into warm, sunny Arizona, the NFL pooped their britches, panicked and pooped them some more.

“But I wanna go on the PLAAAANNEE!!”

Sadly, cancelling the big game seemed like the only choice left, seeing as how there was no way to get the unfortunate stranded teams into the balmy city in time.  Luckily, the answer was only a bar away…

Long dead since 1997, a time when candy-lovin’ alternarock trio Marcy Playground was brimming with untapped potential, the beer bottles were called off the bench as Bud Bowl sat in as the substitute teacher for the real teams.   It was truly like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but for drunks.

“My nose is red cause I’m half in the bag!”

The bottles tossed on the teams’ uniforms, and no one in the massive Arizona crowd was the wiser.  Nearly sixty minutes of play time and we all know what happened next-   Ale-I Manning to Beer David Tyree (what a good pick in the draft), the miraculous helmet catch, and a near-perfect season for New England ended in an 18-1 conclusion, as the bottled Big Blue were swimming in confetti in the Big Apple soon after.

No feelings were bottled-up in this game…

Understandably, in Massachusetts, spirits were wicked low, and where did they go?  To a bar of course.  NORM!

“Sammy, I’ve told you for years that beer saves all.”

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5.  SUPER BOWL XLIV: GAME MVP- ABE LINCOLN

Four Scores!  … and seven years ago.

 

For a few brief hours, the “L” in NFL stood for Lincoln.

We all know Abraham Lincoln was a president, emancipator, and a vampire hunter, but do you remember Abe’s big-time appearance in the Super Bowl?

The bearded one was called in to play when Peyton Manning had to leave the game early to film an impromptu Kraft Macaroni and Cheese commercial.   He ran out, flying past the cheerleaders, zooming by the mascots, with the glisten of anger in his eyes, sweat on his brow, and a chin beard so mighty, the heavens above stopped to gaze in majestic awe.

The stovetop hat was thrown down, the shoulder pads were thrust on, and that pigskin flew like you wouldn’t believe.  It was going perfect, until… clumsy ox Drew Brees went down with a pulled hamstring on the slippery turf.  And being the helpful chap he is, ‘ol Honest Abe took the reigns and stood in for him as well, changing uniforms as the Colts defensive squad ran out.

He abolished the slaves, and demolished the Colts…

As the clock struck zero, the Big Easy soon was celebrating with the sounds of jazz and firey-cajun food up the wazoo as Abe Lincoln received an early birthday gift- a declaration as Super Bowl MVP.

It was rumored plentiful posterior-ed socialite Kim Kardashian emancipated her relationship with then-Saints running back, Reggie Bush, that night to lock lips with the sixteenth prez.

And how did A-Linc become so good at football? 

Just how you get to Carnegie Hall…  Practice.

Note:  Sadly, Lincoln’s pro-career was cut short the following pre-season when Ravens linebacker John Wilkes Booth broke Lincoln’s legs.

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Enjoy your Super Bowl weekend!  As usual, please Fed-Ex any uneaten chicken wings to me. 

Come As You Arf! Celebrating Dog Nirvana

By Andrew Blumetti

The Bad News:  You look at your calendar and reality sinks in like a cold bath that it’s officially now deep into 2013.  That means twenty years ago, 90’s Seattle-alterna-rock legends Nirvana were probably sick of playing “Smells Like Teen Spirit” on a nightly basis at this point already.

The Good News:  In dog years, that’s 140 years, so when you think about it, we’re not really that old.

Now that has been established, here’s my attempt to not lift my leg on one of the all-time great rock bands in history.  It may or may not have worked.

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“When I swear that I don’t have a bone!” 

 

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Krist playing bass during “Milk (Bone) It”

 

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Courtney Love wasn’t the only dog in that relationship.

 

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A dog’s least favorite song on this record? 

 

“Train You”

 

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Grrrrrr-ohl.

 

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From the MTV Unplugged concert, an acoustic version of David Bowie’s “The Doberman Who Sold the World”.

 

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One of Nirvana’s classics, “Heart Shaped Barks”

The Pyramid of Regrettable CD’s: The Eighth Wonder of the World

By Andrew Blumetti

 

Just remember, you can’t spell iTunes without “CD”.  Well, technically you can, if you spell either word incorrectly.

Let me rewind.   First off, so I don’t sound like a dinosaur, CD’s (or compact discs) are circular discs that hold music for your listening pleasure… or can be used as mini frisbees to toss to Danny DeVito or your neighborhood fat kid if you so choose.  An advancement on once-commonplace cassette tapes, they were quite popular in the 1990’s to the early oughts until impersonal digital music files took over as the listening medium of choice amongst music listeners and plagues of frogs took over the world.  …or something.

So, now that I do sound like a dinosaur, I still love CD’s, and I still proudly buy them.

The pride of any music owner is their collection.  Actually, collections have always been something I’ve loved since I was a young lad.  From Masters of the Universe figures to baseball cards, and eventually recorded music.  Cassettes to compact discs to vinyl records, music is a natural for a born collector, cause after all, who needs that money anyway?  Albums display perfectly and within those displayed spines is a history book of sorts–  each record is a snapshot to a time in your life:

Perhaps Nirvana’s Nevermind brings back memories of your mushroom-haircut teenage years, maybe Green Day’s Dookie is reminiscent of a summer spent skateboarding with buddies with a slightly less embarrassing mushroom-haircut, or that copy of The Chemical Brothers Dig Your Own Hole reminds you of when you bought raver jeans the size of freakin’ Kansas and got caught up in the electronica boom of the late 90’s.

That’s the beauty of music–  Even when you’re not physically listening to it, the sentimental value is still there in spades.  Each album is a smaller picture of something bigger.  I advise anyone reading to take a few minutes to look at your music collection sometime, and watch the memories start flowing like a busted dam.

Although, before you pull a Balki Bartokomous and do the dance of joy like your favorite Eastern European sheep just gave birth, remember, not everything always comes up roses.  One natural growing pain music collectors run into is the purchase that just didn’t go as planned.

Maybe it was the album you anticipated for months, and when you excitedly ran to rip open the plastic and push track one, it just fell flat.  Or maybe it was that gamble record you decided to give a shot based on one radio single, and the music slot machine came up:  LEMON, LEMON, LEMON.

Well, in the musical history book of my life, this is pretty much my Bay of Pigs invasion.   Let’s turn those three lemons into slightly crappy lemonade as it took forever to stack this house of card-clunkers without tumbling.

…here’s my PYRAMID OF REGRETTABLE CD’s:

 

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FROM BOTTOM TO TOP (L to R)

1. CHUMBAWAMBA- Tubthumper (1997)

This doosey was just doomed from the start.  When you’ve got eight people in a band, and they all decided to do this to their hair, the warning sirens in your head should be deafening.

A one-hit wonder who’s one hit was so overplayed on the radio, there was no need to listen to it voluntarily.  There was a follow-up single titled, “Drip, Drip, Drip”, which honestly was about as exciting as a song called “Drip, Drip, Drip” should be.  I give these musical anarchists credit for having a career of longevity, even without any further commercial success.

I also give them credit for taking my money.

Dirty pool Chumbawamaba, dirty pool.

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2. THE NIXONS- Foma (1995)

Technically, this was a gift-certificate (yes, certificate, not card) purchase, but considering I could’ve spent it on anything else that wasn’t a Nixons CD, shame on me.

Two radio singles, “Happy Song” and “Sister” were what I bought it for, but both quickly fell to the “meh” curse over time.  What a bloody shame this band was, because if they had just worn Richard Nixon masks, I’d be a little warmer towards them.   Not really warm, just a little.

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3. LIMP BIZKIT- 3 Dollar Bill, Ya’ll$ (1997)

The giant red-hatted elephant in the room.  Better to get this over with sooner than later cause no list of regrettable music would be complete without Fred Durst and Co.

Let’s face it, when we’re teenagers, we’re more or less freakin’ idiots.  Teens do stupid things during those awkward high school years- some might get detention for smoking in the school bathroom, maybe someone gets grounded for swiping some Schlitz brews from the fridge, or perhaps suspended from school for fighting.

Well, considering I never drank, smoke or was one for fighting, this one right here is my colossal shame.

Sure, I’ll be the first to admit, at the time, the Bizkit boys were shamefully fun.  Dopey nü-metal, chock full of dumbed-down metal riffs and fifth-grade lyrics spouted by a frontman who was permanently on the verge of an adult temper tantrum, it was a turn-your-brain-off good time.  Of course common sense eventually kicks in, and post-“Nookie” hindsight is 20/20, but I’ll just blame all of that on pre-Y2K jitters.

Good luck selling this one back to one of the three music stores left in America.

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4. PRIMUS- Brown Album (1997)

For the record, I really like Primus a lot.

Try as you might, it’s impossible to find a band in the past 20 years that sounds just like the California alterna-funk trio.  Low-end master Les Claypool is one of the most innovative and original bassists of our generation, and they’re responsible for churning out some interestingly fun and quirky records in their heyday.

This wasn’t one of those.

It’s not that I didn’t like Brown Album, the Pri-guys’ fifth full-length, it’s just that it had very little replay value.  Back when CD’s constantly cost $17 and up, the importance of replay value couldn’t be overstated enough.  Although, when the lead single is titled, “Shake Hands with Beef”, it’s really buyer beware, leading me to wish I had payed “Les” for this record.

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5. BLUES TRAVELER- Straight On Till Morning (1997)

Wow, 1997 was not my smoothest year, was it?

There was once a record store in my town called CD Den.  A small store that carried everything a music geek could desire.  Without a doubt, it was my favorite hangout as a teenager.  About a two minute walk from my house and directly on the route of my walk home from school, it was a must-visit at least three times a week.

On July 1, 1997, I went on the day of release to go pick up OK Computer, the highly anticipated third album from alterna-gods Radiohead and electro-smash, The Fat of the Land, by The Prodigy (an album that might have possibly made this article if that stinkin’ pyramid could be built bigger).

The woman who worked at the counter was going on and on about how amazing the freshly-released new Blues Traveler album was.  What could go wrong?  Their tubby singer could wail on the harmonica, and I sure liked that “Run-around” tune from a few years back.

So, I trusted her judgment, plunked down my hard-earned teenage dinero, brought it home, put on the Radiohead album, and of course after that, I didn’t really care about listening to then-zoftig John Popper and his merry jam-band.  I still don’t as this thing collects dust faster than Brett Somers decomposing in her seat on The Match Game.

And if you think I’m being too rough on them…  try and find anyone else who actually owns this album.

6. BUSH- The Science of Things (1999)

I really should’ve known better.

I honestly don’t know why I gave Bush’s flat third album the time of day.  I wasn’t a fan of “The Chemicals Between Us”, the overplayed leadoff single peppered with electro drips and drops, and lyrics that couldn’t have been any less relatable if they were picked out of Fred Durst’s red cap (see: No. 3).

I guess there were follow-up singles, but the impression they left was as non-existent as an episode of The Neighbors.  The money must’ve literally burned a hole in my pocket and I was itching to to buy anything that day.

Note to all the kids out there:  Don’t spend like that.  You’ll end up with a record of a red-haired Gavin Rossdale in your collection.

7. LIVE– The Distance to Here (1999)

Back in the mid-90’s, I couldn’t have been a bigger fan of the York, PA foursome,  Live.

They were my first concert experience ever, the singer had a killer rat-tail, and their sophomore album, Throwing Copper, still remains one of my favorite records of all-time.  Its follow-up, 1997’s Secret Samadhi, was an underrated record with a terrible name, but rest assured, as much as I didn’t want it to, the wheels didn’t hesitate to start falling off the Livemobile soon after that.

The Distance to Here, their fifth album, had some good songs, unfortunately they were few and far between.  Much like Primus’ inclusion on the pyramid, its replay value was short-(live)d especially for the price back then.  For a while, Live continued to release music every couple of years following this before a bitter breakup and I blame Distance for pushing the barrel over the waterfall.

I just blamed a piece of plastic.

8. CANDLEBOX- Lucy (1995)

I take almost a sickening level of pride in the fact that I went out and bought this disc the day it was released.

Candlebox was really an odd band when you think about it.  Musically, they were far from unique, they rode the coattails of the grunge movement all the way to the bank, and their songs contained oddly-placed swears in them that came off like your grandmother dropping the F-bomb during bingo.

Bizarrely enough, all through that, they were honestly quite enjoyable- their 1993 self-titled debut sold four million copies, and spawned some really fun singles.  It’s hard to deny that “Far Behind” or “You” weren’t hugely succesful 90’s alt-rock staples, unless you’re a grouch.

Lightning certainly didn’t strike twice, as Lucy, their second album, was the epitome of a sophomore slump.  It had a kinda stupid cover, a forgettable first single, and a bunch of other songs that were the equivalent of musical Ambien.

They should’ve renamed the band “CandleBLAHx”.  Wokka wokka.

9.  GRAVITY KILLS- Gravity Kills (1996)

Back in math class in 11th grade, amidst a flurry of variables and probables, a buddy of mine offered to sell me his used copy of Gravity Kills self-titled debut for a mere five bucks.

Skepticism hit for a minute- I wondered to myself, “Why?- What’s so wrong with this album that he’d want to sell it for so cheap?”.  I rolled the dice, placed a crisp Abe Lincoln in his hand, waited till the school bell rang, feverishly popped it in my Discman (!) on the walk home, and like a splash of ice-cold water in the face, I soon realized the sobering answer to my question.

This band is a one-hit wonder, and that one hit (the pseudo-industrial “Guilty”) was clearly the highlight of this snoozer.  Unfortunately, my interest in industrial music was incredibly short-lived, (about as long as my walk home from school that day) and this album never stood a chance with me.  That five dollars could’ve bought me five tacos at Taco Bell, and that thought still haunts me to this day.

10. METALLICA- St. Anger (2003)

There’s honestly no excuse on my part for this one, and there was no doubt in my mind that Metallica’s crapfest St. Anger had to occupy the summit in this shameful pyramid of regret.

After hearing the 2003 album’s seven-minute title track first single full of tin-can drumming and missing guitar solos, I scratched my head.  While scratching, I decided to walk.  While walking, I passed by the Sam Goody in the mall.  Wouldn’t you know, Sam Goody was selling it for seven dollars!

A mere bag of shells!

The hamster in my head started spinning its wheel, and I instantly felt a handlebar mustache start to sprout and my inner James Hetfield said “why not?!”  I figured for that price, it could never be that bad… right?   Hop in the car, pop in that disc… bring on the metal… Metallica!

Fast forward one car ride home later:  If this rubbish wasn’t packaged in a cheap cardboard Digipak case, I’d have used it for a coaster years ago… for drinks I didn’t care for.

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Now take a walk down memory lane and look at your music collection-  What are some of your favorite least favorite albums?  What makes up your own pyramid of regrettable CD’s?  Feel free to share in the comments! 

You know James Hetfield wants you to!

A Kollective List of the Kraziest KISS Krap

By Andrew Blumetti

It’s been infamously said that there’s a few certainties in life:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Shock rock icons/merchandising junkies, KISS, will license their four-letter moniker on any piece of junk they can make a quick buck on.

The makeup-ed four-piece have spent nearly the past 40 years spitting out blood, shooting sparks from their guitars and pulling in massive bucks by hilariously plastering their name on anything a price tag will fit on.  Their legion of dedicated fans, better known as the “KISS Army”, gobbles it all up.  Odd, cause you’d think they’d be spending all their money on their girlfriends or having a life…

To better understand the oncoming KISStastrophy, we need to pull a Silence of the Lambs, and delve into the deepest, darkest, nastiest corners of the human psyche.   It’s time to beat up a Juggalo, steal their black and white face paint, take a dive into the deep end of the “selling out” pool, and share a laugh at some of the most bizarre KISS merchandise ever hit the shelves.

Although, we don’t have to go crank up Destroyer or anything, let’s not go too far here.

1. KISS wine

What?!:  Well, here’s a fun, rarely known fact- if you head to the vineyards in the sun-drenched fields of Tuscany, you’ll bare witness the finest grapes being grown, all just for the hope to one day end up in a bottle with aging rockstars who resemble wrinkly prunes on the label.

Or… the more likely scenario- this is just rotten grape juice with a criminally expensive price tag.

The Score:   3 Paul Stanleys   

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2. KISS shower curtain

What?!?:  There was a chilling scene in the film Arachnophobia that has stuck with me all these years.  An innocent character was showering, while the whole time, unbeknownst to her, a quick-moving, release-your-bowels spider was crawling around the shower walls.  Heebie jeebies at their finest.

The horrifying vulnerability of that scene works so well-  I’m not even scared of spiders, and that freaks me out to no end.  Well, gimme that arachnid any day of the week over turning around and seeing Ace Frehley’s melted candle, California Raisin face staring at me while I’m all sudsy.  Makes the iconic shower attack scene in Psycho seem like a carnival ride.

The Score:   1 Paul Stanley   

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3. KISS lip balm

What?!?:  Just gimme the chapped lips instead.

The Score:  2 Paul Stanleys   

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4. KISS “For Her” perfume/body wash

What?!?:  It’s hard to believe, but they actually bottled up the smell of being past your prime.

Never in the history of mankind has a sane woman said, “Ya know, I really could score a husband only if I smelled like Peter Criss”.

If they sold more than one of these, I’ll eat my shoe.

The Score:  half a Paul Stanley 

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5. KISS M&M’s

What?!?:  A fantastic way to go on a diet.  If the sight of Gene Simmons’ old-fart face headed towards your taste buds doesn’t make you instantly wretch, then there’s no hope for you.

The Score:  3 Paul Stanleys   

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6. KISS Kasket

What?!?:  Easily the most bizarre item in the vast KISS store inventory.  That sound you’ll hear when you’re six feet under and buried in this rock ‘n roll monstrosity is the sound of the worms laughing at you.

The Score:  4 Paul Stanleys 

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7. KISS soap

What?!?:  I Wanna Wash and Roll All Night!  You can wash off all that face paint with this hideously-colored black bar of soap all day long, but you’ll never truly feel clean.

The Score:  1 and a half Paul Stanleys  

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8. KISS cereal

What?!?:  It’s instantly clear what the KISS wine was for- to make you forget about these.  This is KISS Krunch- perfect for when you run out of Rice Peter Crisspies.  On the plus side, you know your day can only get better from here.

They’re GRRRRRROSS!

The Score:  2 Paul Stanleys 

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9. KISS ketchup

What?!?:  Now seriously, what’s so wrong with Heinz that you need to stoop to this level?  There’s no proper excuse on Earth to use this BBQ ruiner.  Only apply to your burgers and hot dogs if you want to not enjoy them.

The Score:  4 Paul Stanleys   

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10. KISS bike shorts

What?!?:  All I can say is thank God that this picture doesn’t contain an actual KISS fan inside these things.

The Score:  1 and a half Paul Stanleys  

A big thanks to EverythingKiss.com for the info and pictures.