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The Cereal Killer Quiz! (Breakfast That’ll Murder Your Appetite)

By Andrew Blumetti

G’morning everyone, rise and shine!

Wait a minute.  Is that your stomach growling like a tugboat?  Did you skip breakfast again?  You know that old saying about breakfast being the most important meal of the day, right?

How important you say?  Let’s take a look…

(insert dreamy transition harp music here…)

In a Fantasy WorldAfter eight hours of sound sleep, you pop up out of bed with the warm rays of sun cracking through the window and glowing on your face, crisp-eyed and fresh as a fiddle.

Time to slide down the banister in your fuzzy pajamas, hop into the kitchen, pour some fresh-squeezed OJ, slice up some just-picked fruit, sit down to some toast and warm oatmeal, and rack up those all-important vitamins right out of the starting gate.  Your body will thank you after all, it’s healthy, nutritious, and an all-around great way to give your body and mind the fuel it needs to take on the day, grab the world by its stupid throat and say “Bring it on chump!”.

In RealityAfter leaving more grimy fingerprint smudges on your snooze button than John Wayne Gacy at a Chuck E. Cheese skeeball, you stumble out of bed– groggy, freezing cold, full of eye boogers, and cursing the fact that Saturday may as well be a year away.  After catching a gander at the ungodly late time, it must somehow be Daylight Savings Time and the clocks are wrong, right?

Not even close.  After a lightning quick shower and fighting with your contact lenses, the realization sinks in that a healthy breakfast (which is for squares anyway) is taking a backseat to a backseat today.  Lego the idea of an Eggo as toasting a frozen waffle or bagel is too time-costly, so it’s time to open the cabinets, pour some sugary cereal in a bowl, drown it in milk and wolf it down so quickly, even your dog will look up at you thinking, “Geez, slow it down, man”.

(I know this, because this was practically every day of my senior year of high school*…)

* “Senior year” may also include Freshman, Sophomore, and Junior years as well

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Well, despite the earlier lecture, I sincerely do hope you had enough time to enjoy your delicious and healthy breakfast this morning and get your day off to a magical start that’d make Walt Disney’s frozen head come back to life just to buy the movie rights to it.

Why you ask?

Cause you’re gonna need that fresh energy to get that grey matter fired-up, do some deep-knee bends and prepare yourself for the most undelicious pop quiz ever…

 

THE OFFICIAL CEREAL KILLER QUIZ

(Hint… C)

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1. Which of the following cereals is highest in 10 essential vitamins and nutrients? 

A. Special K

B. Raisin Bran

C. KIDDO BALLS

Blumes note:  It hurts my brain to think the derelict people who named this are allowed to drive cars on the same road as the rest of us.

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2. On a diet?  Looking to cut back on that pesky sugar?  Look no further than this timeless breakfast treat…

A. Apple Cinnamon Cheerios

B. Grape Nuts

C. KING VITAMIN

Blumes note The discontinuation of this one just hurts, cause finding a royal racing coach on eBay nowadays is seriously highway robbery.

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3. No dishes for you to wash!  This classic delicious cereal is so good, your slob kids will love to eat it out of their hand, sans milk…

A. Cheerios

B. Cinnamon Toast Crunch

C. QUAKE

Blumes note:  My doctor constantly gets on my case because everything I eat is lacking in EARTHQUAKE power.

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4. Don’t like your cereal soggy?  You’ve reached the holy grail with…

A. Lucky Charms

B. Golden Grahams

C. CRUNCHY LOGGS

Blumes note:  WARNING!  Don’t use that “Quiz Kid Calculator”.  Crunchy Loggs has rigged it to give “56601” as every answer.  (Typed on a calculator and turned upside down, that spells out “LOGGS”.  Seriously, give it a shot.)

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5. Don’t take your children down the cereal aisle of the supermarket, they’ll never shut up about…

A. Cap’n Crunch

B. Cocoa Puffs

C. DYNAMAN

Blumes noteThe official breakfast sponsor of To Catch a Predator.   Hey kids, don’t forget the “Free Dynaman Rub-ons Inside”!

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6. Which cereal mascot was voted as America’s favorite at this year’s Mascy Awards?

A. Tony the Tiger of Frosted Flakes

B. The Trix Rabbit of Trix

C. This insane clown of Post’s “Sugar Krinkles”

Blumes note:  Geez, even killer Pennywise the Clown called and said to dial it back.  

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7. This is the tried-and-true cereal your grandparents used to eat:

A. Corn Flakes

B. Kix

C. NICKELODEON GREEN SLIME CEREAL

Blumes note:   Huge bonus– when you vomit this up, it’ll pretty much look exactly like it did going down.

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8. This “vitamin charged” product will provide you with 70% of your daily recommended share of Riboflavin.  You’ll be sailing all day! 

A. Apple Jacks

B. Fruit Loops

C. SIR GRAPEFELLOW

Blumes note:   If anyone can please Fed-Ex me Sir Grapefellow’s air car toy, I’ll make it worth your while.

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9. Which of the following will create the best small talk with the cute cashier at the supermarket?

A. Chocolate Lucky Charms

B. Frankenberry

C. GOOD FRIENDS CEREAL

Blumes note:   $4.99 sounds a bit steep, but honestly, where else are you going to find “46% more fiber” at a better price?   With that high fiber content, this multi-ethnic-friendly cereal is guaranteeing people of all races remain on the toilet all day long. 

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10. ‘Fess up.  For breakfast this morning, I bet you had…

A. Frosted Mini Wheats

B. Life

C. CRISPY HEXAGONS

Blumes note:   Let’s thank the good people at Mathrite for finally bringing our love of geometry and breakfast together at last.

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11. Looking to cut back on those awful carbs?  Dig that spoon right into…

A. Boo Berry

B. Cracklin’ Oat Bran

C. MR. T CEREAL

Blumes note There’s more tasteless “T’s” in this than at an Abercrombie and Fitch! 

I pity the bowl this crap gets poured into.

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12.  Little known fact:  Albert Einstein wore the same outfit every day and actually ate this meal every morning:

A. Rice Krispies

B. Shredded Wheat

C. URKEL-O’s

Blumes note:  My cynical side was going to rip into this stuff, but helping Urkel find Laura really tugs at my heartstrings.

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13. I’m finishing up this quiz so I can go chow down on some…

A. Cookie Crisp

B. Honey Nut Cheerios

C. APPLE YO’s

Blumes note:  I just realized this stuff comes in a TWO POUND BAG.  That borders on child abuse.

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ANSWER KEY:

1-4: “C”

5:  “A”

6-13”: “C”
(I just can’t take Dynaman seriously.)

So, please share- how’d you score?  Bonus points if you actually tried the calculator trick.  Now go enjoy lunch.

 

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Filed under Advertising, Comedy, Food, Humor, Retro

Hey, This Looks Gross. (The Gummy Edition)

By Andrew Blumetti

 

1. Bears

2. Worms

3. Fish.

 

That’s the traditional gummy holy trinity, plain and simple.

Once in a blue moon, you’ll see the candy powers-that-be branch out and cook up something unique, like gummy dolphins, gummy cola bottles or a gummy De Milo (the rarest gummy of them all), but honestly, who needs all those bells and whistles?  Deep down, don’t we all just wish those were bears while we’re chowing down on them?

If there’s one thing we’ve learned from life, it’s this:  When something’s good and a buck’s being made, some schmuck goes too far and ruins it.  That’s why we had Speed 2, the final season of Roseanne, and a Belushi brother who’s name wasn’t John.

Companies tend to overestimate how much sugary crap we will shove down our gullets and really– there’s only so far kids will go when it comes to gross candy.  Check a trick-or-treater’s bag on December 1st, you’ll still see half-melted Mary Janes and awful Bit-O-Honeys decomposing at the bottom of it sticking to the side, waiting for sweet life in the garbage can.

…and if some rube decides to hand out these horrid looking things, they’ll certainly be sitting in there too.

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GUMMY BACON

Yuck Factor:  3

Why’s it So Gross?:  I usually subscribe to the theory bacon makes almost all things better.  Add it to a cheeseburger, eggs, or a turkey club, and it’s a crispy, artery-clogging treat.

Something about the fact that this has gummy fat on it really isn’t sweetening the deal, and it sure seems strange that pig on the box is so excited to help the pork industry.

Plus, if there’s one thing we all look for in our artificial bacon, isn’t it strawberry flavoring?

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GUMMY HEART

Yuck Factor:  5

Why’s it So Gross?This is how Hannibal Lecter started, isn’t it?

I’m picturing the second you sink your teeth into this awful gummy organ, it must seem like an eternity to actually get through it.

Once again, strawberry’s the unlucky flavor of choice when trying to distract us from how disgusting something appears.  Gritting through this wretched thing may actually be only slightly worse than eating an actual heart.

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GUMMY T-BONE STEAK

Yuck Factor: 1

Why’s it So Gross?:   Don’t bother taking out the A-1 for this.

There’s very few things as enjoyable as firing up my Weber grill on an early summer evening, tossing on a mouth-watering steak, and watching the flames lick the searing meat.  The smells, the flavors- it just does the Macarena on your pallet.

While this isn’t as bad as… let’s say the heart, raw-looking red meat just doesn’t seem to translate well into gummy world, and comes off as more T-bonehead than anything else.

Kudos for packaging it in a pseudo supermarket meat package though.

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GUMMY BOO-BOOS

Yuck Factor:  7

Why’s it So Gross?A rainbow colored Band-Aid would’ve sufficed perfectly here, but, it’s the stupid realism that hurts this bandaged mess.

Maybe there’s a small market for candy with blood stains on it in some backwoods Deliverance-ish town, but I highly doubt the CEO of this mess is driving a Porsche Boxster and sending his bratty kids to Princeton on the skyrocketing sales of the bloody gummy bandage.

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GUMMY UNDIES

Yuck Factor:  10

Why’s it So Gross?Because there’s a better chance of contracting hepatitis from this than from licking the floor of a Waffle House bathroom.

You know how a hurricane goes over a body of warm water, picks up steam and shoots up a category on the Saffir-Simpson Scale?  Well, the second I realized this liver-enlarger was a thong, it was gifted with a dreaded “10” on the yuck factor.

Guys- If your girl wears these, run for the hills yesterday.

Girls-  If your guy wants you to wear these, Krazy Glue his toilet seat.

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GUMMY HAGGIS

Yuck Factor:  3

Why’s it So Gross?We Americans can tell you, the Scottish staple, haggis, is incredibly rare here.

From what I’ve gathered, you pretty much let Michael Myers go to town on a sheep or lamb, remove all the tasty innards, encase them in stomach lining, boil it all up, and the end result is a finger-lickin’ sausage.

I do love green plaid and sausage, so this butterscotch gummy equivalent, so sensitively called, “Angry Scotsman’s”, is winning me over more and more as I type.  I am going to have to ask my Scottish friend Cherie, if this gummy haggis is popular on the other side of the pond, or if it’s just plain “b’aaaahhhhhhddd”.  (Some terrible sheep humor)

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GUMMY “BOX OF BOOGERS”

Yuck Factor:  9

Why’s it So Gross?With the tissue-filling tagline, “SsssNot Your Regular Gummy!”  this box of corn-syrupy sophistication features “Tangy Gummy Boogies that Look & Feel Real!”.  That about sums it up.

I would’ve loved to be a fly on the wall in the testing room for these sugary snot rockets.  I could imagine it now:

-“Needs more lumpiness!”

-“The green ones aren’t true to life.”

-“I switched them out on my friend, and he didn’t know the difference!”

-“Really helped break the ice when I met my in-laws!”

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GUMMY RAT

Yuck Factor:  6

Why’s it So Gross?Hey Jelly Belly, calling this thing a “pet rat” isn’t making it any more appealing and cute.

Ratatouille this is not.  This nasty thing looks like a freakin’ subway rat.  Vermin spread disease, eat dumpster trash, and Splinter was one of the weakest Ninja Turtles characters, let’s not reward that in candy-form.

With any luck, the black plague you get from noshing on the gummy rat will take you out before you have to finish it.

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GUMMY “BURSTING BUGS”

Yuck Factor:  2

Why’s it So Gross?Without any concrete picture of these, jumping to conclusions on these may be a bit rash.  They probably aren’t as bad as they seem, as the “bursting” quality could either be kinda awesome or horribly awful.

We’ll probably all look back with fondness when Disney Pixar releases A Gummy Bug’s Life in the summer of 2016.

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GUMMY POO

Yuck Factor:  9

Why’s it So Gross?For once, saying something tastes like crap isn’t an insult.

I really wish I could tell what language that is, and what country that’s producing these sugary fecal globs to impressionable youths.

The smiling swirly dookie on the packaging sure seems like a happy fella, even though he’s got nothing on Mr. Hankey.   Everyone I know will be finding a package of these in their stocking this Christmas.

Try to act surprised.

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GUMMY FETUS (Regular version and The Flaming Lips version)

Yuck Factor:  (Regular) 4, (Flaming Lips) 8

Why’s it So Gross?Well, the first version would be weird enough, but just close your eyes, quickly bite off the legs, and it kinda looks like a sideways gummy manatee.

As for the latter, The Flaming Lips are a critically acclaimed band, who break into dentist’s offices, suck down all the nitrus oxide, and then decide the most bizarre ways to release music to the masses.  This is a 2011 three-song release of theirs on a USB drive stuck inside a yes, gummy fetus… just like the way Sinatra used to do it.

Keep in mind, once you bite into that thing, you’re the guy who bit into a fetus.  You can’t undo that.

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GUMMY ZIT POPPERS

Yuck Factor:  10

Why’s it So Gross?If you ever wondered what the greasy teenage cashier’s face at the supermarket tastes like, wonder no longer.

On the plus side, it leaves a void for someone to create gummy Clearasil.  Million dollar idea!

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Filed under Advertising, Comedy, Food, Humor

The Pyramid of Regrettable CD’s: The Eighth Wonder of the World

By Andrew Blumetti

 

Just remember, you can’t spell iTunes without “CD”.  Well, technically you can, if you spell either word incorrectly.

Let me rewind.   First off, so I don’t sound like a dinosaur, CD’s (or compact discs) are circular discs that hold music for your listening pleasure… or can be used as mini frisbees to toss to Danny DeVito or your neighborhood fat kid if you so choose.  An advancement on once-commonplace cassette tapes, they were quite popular in the 1990’s to the early oughts until impersonal digital music files took over as the listening medium of choice amongst music listeners and plagues of frogs took over the world.  …or something.

So, now that I do sound like a dinosaur, I still love CD’s, and I still proudly buy them.

The pride of any music owner is their collection.  Actually, collections have always been something I’ve loved since I was a young lad.  From Masters of the Universe figures to baseball cards, and eventually recorded music.  Cassettes to compact discs to vinyl records, music is a natural for a born collector, cause after all, who needs that money anyway?  Albums display perfectly and within those displayed spines is a history book of sorts–  each record is a snapshot to a time in your life:

Perhaps Nirvana’s Nevermind brings back memories of your mushroom-haircut teenage years, maybe Green Day’s Dookie is reminiscent of a summer spent skateboarding with buddies with a slightly less embarrassing mushroom-haircut, or that copy of The Chemical Brothers Dig Your Own Hole reminds you of when you bought raver jeans the size of freakin’ Kansas and got caught up in the electronica boom of the late 90’s.

That’s the beauty of music–  Even when you’re not physically listening to it, the sentimental value is still there in spades.  Each album is a smaller picture of something bigger.  I advise anyone reading to take a few minutes to look at your music collection sometime, and watch the memories start flowing like a busted dam.

Although, before you pull a Balki Bartokomous and do the dance of joy like your favorite Eastern European sheep just gave birth, remember, not everything always comes up roses.  One natural growing pain music collectors run into is the purchase that just didn’t go as planned.

Maybe it was the album you anticipated for months, and when you excitedly ran to rip open the plastic and push track one, it just fell flat.  Or maybe it was that gamble record you decided to give a shot based on one radio single, and the music slot machine came up:  LEMON, LEMON, LEMON.

Well, in the musical history book of my life, this is pretty much my Bay of Pigs invasion.   Let’s turn those three lemons into slightly crappy lemonade as it took forever to stack this house of card-clunkers without tumbling.

…here’s my PYRAMID OF REGRETTABLE CD’s:

 

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FROM BOTTOM TO TOP (L to R)

1. CHUMBAWAMBA- Tubthumper (1997)

This doosey was just doomed from the start.  When you’ve got eight people in a band, and they all decided to do this to their hair, the warning sirens in your head should be deafening.

A one-hit wonder who’s one hit was so overplayed on the radio, there was no need to listen to it voluntarily.  There was a follow-up single titled, “Drip, Drip, Drip”, which honestly was about as exciting as a song called “Drip, Drip, Drip” should be.  I give these musical anarchists credit for having a career of longevity, even without any further commercial success.

I also give them credit for taking my money.

Dirty pool Chumbawamaba, dirty pool.

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2. THE NIXONS- Foma (1995)

Technically, this was a gift-certificate (yes, certificate, not card) purchase, but considering I could’ve spent it on anything else that wasn’t a Nixons CD, shame on me.

Two radio singles, “Happy Song” and “Sister” were what I bought it for, but both quickly fell to the “meh” curse over time.  What a bloody shame this band was, because if they had just worn Richard Nixon masks, I’d be a little warmer towards them.   Not really warm, just a little.

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3. LIMP BIZKIT- 3 Dollar Bill, Ya’ll$ (1997)

The giant red-hatted elephant in the room.  Better to get this over with sooner than later cause no list of regrettable music would be complete without Fred Durst and Co.

Let’s face it, when we’re teenagers, we’re more or less freakin’ idiots.  Teens do stupid things during those awkward high school years- some might get detention for smoking in the school bathroom, maybe someone gets grounded for swiping some Schlitz brews from the fridge, or perhaps suspended from school for fighting.

Well, considering I never drank, smoke or was one for fighting, this one right here is my colossal shame.

Sure, I’ll be the first to admit, at the time, the Bizkit boys were shamefully fun.  Dopey nü-metal, chock full of dumbed-down metal riffs and fifth-grade lyrics spouted by a frontman who was permanently on the verge of an adult temper tantrum, it was a turn-your-brain-off good time.  Of course common sense eventually kicks in, and post-“Nookie” hindsight is 20/20, but I’ll just blame all of that on pre-Y2K jitters.

Good luck selling this one back to one of the three music stores left in America.

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4. PRIMUS- Brown Album (1997)

For the record, I really like Primus a lot.

Try as you might, it’s impossible to find a band in the past 20 years that sounds just like the California alterna-funk trio.  Low-end master Les Claypool is one of the most innovative and original bassists of our generation, and they’re responsible for churning out some interestingly fun and quirky records in their heyday.

This wasn’t one of those.

It’s not that I didn’t like Brown Album, the Pri-guys’ fifth full-length, it’s just that it had very little replay value.  Back when CD’s constantly cost $17 and up, the importance of replay value couldn’t be overstated enough.  Although, when the lead single is titled, “Shake Hands with Beef”, it’s really buyer beware, leading me to wish I had payed “Les” for this record.

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5. BLUES TRAVELER- Straight On Till Morning (1997)

Wow, 1997 was not my smoothest year, was it?

There was once a record store in my town called CD Den.  A small store that carried everything a music geek could desire.  Without a doubt, it was my favorite hangout as a teenager.  About a two minute walk from my house and directly on the route of my walk home from school, it was a must-visit at least three times a week.

On July 1, 1997, I went on the day of release to go pick up OK Computer, the highly anticipated third album from alterna-gods Radiohead and electro-smash, The Fat of the Land, by The Prodigy (an album that might have possibly made this article if that stinkin’ pyramid could be built bigger).

The woman who worked at the counter was going on and on about how amazing the freshly-released new Blues Traveler album was.  What could go wrong?  Their tubby singer could wail on the harmonica, and I sure liked that “Run-around” tune from a few years back.

So, I trusted her judgment, plunked down my hard-earned teenage dinero, brought it home, put on the Radiohead album, and of course after that, I didn’t really care about listening to then-zoftig John Popper and his merry jam-band.  I still don’t as this thing collects dust faster than Brett Somers decomposing in her seat on The Match Game.

And if you think I’m being too rough on them…  try and find anyone else who actually owns this album.

6. BUSH- The Science of Things (1999)

I really should’ve known better.

I honestly don’t know why I gave Bush’s flat third album the time of day.  I wasn’t a fan of “The Chemicals Between Us”, the overplayed leadoff single peppered with electro drips and drops, and lyrics that couldn’t have been any less relatable if they were picked out of Fred Durst’s red cap (see: No. 3).

I guess there were follow-up singles, but the impression they left was as non-existent as an episode of The Neighbors.  The money must’ve literally burned a hole in my pocket and I was itching to to buy anything that day.

Note to all the kids out there:  Don’t spend like that.  You’ll end up with a record of a red-haired Gavin Rossdale in your collection.

7. LIVEThe Distance to Here (1999)

Back in the mid-90’s, I couldn’t have been a bigger fan of the York, PA foursome,  Live.

They were my first concert experience ever, the singer had a killer rat-tail, and their sophomore album, Throwing Copper, still remains one of my favorite records of all-time.  Its follow-up, 1997’s Secret Samadhi, was an underrated record with a terrible name, but rest assured, as much as I didn’t want it to, the wheels didn’t hesitate to start falling off the Livemobile soon after that.

The Distance to Here, their fifth album, had some good songs, unfortunately they were few and far between.  Much like Primus’ inclusion on the pyramid, its replay value was short-(live)d especially for the price back then.  For a while, Live continued to release music every couple of years following this before a bitter breakup and I blame Distance for pushing the barrel over the waterfall.

I just blamed a piece of plastic.

8. CANDLEBOX- Lucy (1995)

I take almost a sickening level of pride in the fact that I went out and bought this disc the day it was released.

Candlebox was really an odd band when you think about it.  Musically, they were far from unique, they rode the coattails of the grunge movement all the way to the bank, and their songs contained oddly-placed swears in them that came off like your grandmother dropping the F-bomb during bingo.

Bizarrely enough, all through that, they were honestly quite enjoyable- their 1993 self-titled debut sold four million copies, and spawned some really fun singles.  It’s hard to deny that “Far Behind” or “You” weren’t hugely succesful 90’s alt-rock staples, unless you’re a grouch.

Lightning certainly didn’t strike twice, as Lucy, their second album, was the epitome of a sophomore slump.  It had a kinda stupid cover, a forgettable first single, and a bunch of other songs that were the equivalent of musical Ambien.

They should’ve renamed the band “CandleBLAHx”.  Wokka wokka.

9.  GRAVITY KILLS- Gravity Kills (1996)

Back in math class in 11th grade, amidst a flurry of variables and probables, a buddy of mine offered to sell me his used copy of Gravity Kills self-titled debut for a mere five bucks.

Skepticism hit for a minute- I wondered to myself, “Why?- What’s so wrong with this album that he’d want to sell it for so cheap?”.  I rolled the dice, placed a crisp Abe Lincoln in his hand, waited till the school bell rang, feverishly popped it in my Discman (!) on the walk home, and like a splash of ice-cold water in the face, I soon realized the sobering answer to my question.

This band is a one-hit wonder, and that one hit (the pseudo-industrial “Guilty”) was clearly the highlight of this snoozer.  Unfortunately, my interest in industrial music was incredibly short-lived, (about as long as my walk home from school that day) and this album never stood a chance with me.  That five dollars could’ve bought me five tacos at Taco Bell, and that thought still haunts me to this day.


10. METALLICA- St. Anger (2003)

There’s honestly no excuse on my part for this one, and there was no doubt in my mind that Metallica’s crapfest St. Anger had to occupy the summit in this shameful pyramid of regret.

After hearing the 2003 album’s seven-minute title track first single full of tin-can drumming and missing guitar solos, I scratched my head.  While scratching, I decided to walk.  While walking, I passed by the Sam Goody in the mall.  Wouldn’t you know, Sam Goody was selling it for seven dollars!

A mere bag of shells!

The hamster in my head started spinning its wheel, and I instantly felt a handlebar mustache start to sprout and my inner James Hetfield said “why not?!”  I figured for that price, it could never be that bad… right?   Hop in the car, pop in that disc… bring on the metal… Metallica!

Fast forward one car ride home later:  If this rubbish wasn’t packaged in a cheap cardboard Digipak case, I’d have used it for a coaster years ago… for drinks I didn’t care for.

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Now take a walk down memory lane and look at your music collection-  What are some of your favorite least favorite albums?  What makes up your own pyramid of regrettable CD’s?  Feel free to share in the comments! 

You know James Hetfield wants you to!

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Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Humor, Music, Retro