By Andrew Blumetti
Top o’ the
morning afternoon to ya!
When your last name could pass for an extra on The Sopranos, this day really tears you up.
Surely, I’ll be the first to admit- green bagels can’t be beat, my Flogging Molly vinyl is spinning like Rob Ford after a weekend blowout, and I’ve already tripled my daily salt intake with corned beef, but let’s call a spade a spade- with a last name that rhymes with spaghetti, “Irish” I could say I’m authentic, but I’m just an ‘o-poster today.
So, instead of hearing jolly tidings of St. Patrick’s joy from me, I’m gonna pass the baton to a man who really knows his way around a pint of Guinness. Let’s get goofy green with Mr. Ireland himself… Shaquille O’ Neal.
If you wear a Shaq “Big Shamrock” t-shirt in a bar on March 17, they actually charge you MORE for your beer.
To be sure Nick Nolte doesn’t fall off the wagon into a frosty barrel of green beer, O’ Neal will be spending the weekend with him. Hours will be spent smacking Nolte with Shaq’s elephant-paw when he gets out of line.
In 1996, Shaq took his movie career even further, playing a magic Irish genie in a bottle. He’ll grant ye three wishes, but unfortunately, “wishing I hadn’t sat down to watch Kazaam” isn’t one of them.
Before his time playing American basketball, Mr. O’ Neal spent many a year creating beloved tunes of Beautiful Days and Bloody Sundays with his Irish rock brethren, U2.
Here’s Shaq’s time spent with his leprechaun girlfriend.
Fun Fact: If you were to fill Shaq’s massive size-23 shoe with Lucky Charms, it’d require a whole cow and a half to provide the milk.
Say it with me… Shamrock Shaq.
Q: What happens when Shaq scores a lot of baskets?
A: The score will be DUBLIN!!!
You hear that new Cranberries album? PFFFFTTTTT
With no basketball to dribble around, no dunks to dunk and no free throws to miss, it’s time to hit the silver screen again. Pop your corn and get in line now, Leprechaun 7- coming soon.
So Danny Boy Shaquille- a most happy and merry St. Patty’s to you my Celtic friend. And to all the readers out there in internet land- Irish and non-Irish alike, may your bagpipes be filled with hot air, may all your Murphys be dropkicked, and may your meats be boiled to a fine bland gray.