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Do You Like The Human Centipede AND Dessert? Then This is The Blog For You!

By Andrew Blumetti

“Yes! I finally made it into this stupid blog!”

Four fantastic days into crisp October, and I hope your horror movie marathons are up and running just like they are over here.
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Scary movies are an odd sort.  Most are written off by critics as nothing more than shock-value rubbish.  There are a few of course, that cross that plateau into the land of cinematic legends.  Psycho, AlienNight of the Living DeadThe Silence of the Lambs, and The Shining are all examples of that perfect combination of terror, shock, thrills, chills, and the rarest of them all- near universal critical acclaim.
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This is not about those. 
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2010’s Dutch horror sleeper, The Human Centipede (First Sequence), squirmed its way into worldwide cult infamy in all its shining mouth-to-bum glory.
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Delivered to us by writer/director Tom Six, and dubbed, “100% Medically Accurate”, The Human Centipede introduces us to a consistently non-smiling psychotic German surgeon who drugs and traps two vacationing American girls, (who are pretty dumb, even by horror movie standards) and an unlucky Japanese man in his giant, creepy German surgeon home, complete with a convenient giant, creepy German operating room in the giant, creepy German basement.

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It’s no-holds-barred as he proceeds to play out his twisted desire to surgically attach them in the most uncomfortable of positions, via one joined digestive track to create what he titles, “The Human Centipede”, connecting all three of them, you guessed it–  mouth-to-derrière.  It’s the perfect last first date movie …well if your sweetheart works full-time at a carnival freak show, or if every other movie is out of stock at Blockbuster.


blog centipede

“Wait… there’s still Blockbusters around?!?  I never returned my copy of Kangaroo Jack!”

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As a horror film it was crude, vile, slightly brilliant, and mildly offensive to centipedes.  Not to mention, the trailer, with its deletions and re-additions, has pulled in nearly a combined 25 million views on YouTube.  Good job you sickies…

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Not one to rest on his stomach-turning laurels, Six revisited the Centipede world, with your mom’s favorite film of 2011, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence).  Originally banned in the UK, Australia and New Zealand upon release, this film, now deemed, “100% Medically Inaccurate”, was a revolting black-and-white tour de force of depravity, twisted humor, blood and guts, and the crème de la crème– a centipede one dozen people long.  That’s like the entire Brady Bunch family, Alice, Sam the Butcher, AND it still leaves room for two more.   Let’s not mince words, that’s a lot of rectal surgery.   In Six’s irony-free words, the grotesque sequel was created to make the first film “feel like My Little Pony” in comparison.

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I don’t know what he’s getting at, this Centipony was SIXTEEN ponies long!

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And because all good things come in threes, 2014 will bring us the long-awaited final piece of the detestable trilogy, The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence), set in a prison, featuring a rumored FIVE HUNDRED PERSON centipede and most horrifyingly of all, starring Eric Roberts.  In an interview with DreadCentral.com, Six gleefully promises the repugnant finale, will “make the last one look like a Disney film.” and “(is) going to upset a lot of people.”


blog pluto

Pluto!  You’re the middle piece of the centipede!  Don’t worry, you don’t talk anyway!

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Not surprisingly, you probably want to send the kids to bed early before snuggling in with your sweetheart and a freshly-popped bag of popcorn to sit down and enjoy.  The audience for The Human Centipede films are mostly limited to horror hounds, gore lovers, and the kind of people who will peek under their Band-Aid to see how icky the gooey cut on their knee actually is.

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Best part is, if you can keep your lunch down while watching such wretched films, well then you’re gonna have plenty of room for delicious, sweet, sweet dessert.

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Well, unless the baker happens to be a big Centipede fan as well…

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OH FUDGE!

This brownie gem is a creation by Alice Rose Cakes & Cookies, your go-to bakery for all your messed-up surgery baked goods.

Just remember, dragging your feet on this gem will ruin your meal.  Better be fast to get some, those who are late to the party end up with the red digestive track to eat.

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CRAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Hey Alex, I hate to be the one to tell you this… your friends hate you.  I don’t even wanna imagine where the candles go in this thing.

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SPEND THIS CHRISTMAS WITH THE HUMAN SANTAPEDE!

Little known fact* In the original rendition of the English Christmas carol, “The Twelve Days of Christmas”, dating back to the 18th Century, there was an extra day penned on to the end of the listed group of days, totaling the amount to its original title, “The Thirteen Days of Christmas”.

After long thought, it was felt that due to the unlucky connotation of the number 13, the day should be dropped, thinning down the song to it’s now classic 12-day roundup, full of gifts of birds and dancing ladies.

Some other historians believe the real reason the song was thinned from its original baker’s dozen was because of this line in the song:

“On the thirteenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…  a gingerbread Human Centipede.”

“We can’t sing that. It’s gross.”

*This fact is total crap.

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GET READY TO TOSS YOUR COOKIES…

I bet these were a pain in the butt to make.

 

(RIMSHOT)

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WHAT A HALF-BAKED IDEA

 

Upon first glance, you may think these graphic cookies look trashy, but please note the curled-ribbon in the corner.  That makes them fancy.  Like the kind of Centipede cookies the Queen would nosh on.

 

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“My dear… I wonder what it would be like to be the front piece??”

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I’D RATHER BE MUGGED…

You’d be surprised how fast Starbucks ran out of these collector’s mugs.  Don’t be shocked when your coffee tastes like crap though.

“Mary?!? Here’s your tall Carmel Macchiato, extra vanilla, extra steamed milk, served in a mouth-to-butt surgery mug.”

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THIS JUST TAKES THE CAKE!

Straight from the Cake Boss‘s ovens to your taste buds, this cake will make your sweet sixteen even sweeter.

Games to play at this birthday party:

  • “Pin the Tail on the Person You’re Surgically Attached To”
  • “Awkward Musical Chairs”
  • “The Human Centipiñata
  • “Barfo Polo”

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MEET YOUR NEW FAVORITE GIRL SCOUT COOKIE…

 

Quick!  Do the humane thing and put the sad middle and end pieces of this cookiepede out of their misery.

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“Five dollars?!?  When I was a kid, Human Centipede cookies cost a nickle!”

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WELL, THIS STINKS.


To you and me, this may look like the worst cake ever made in the history of mankind, but for a better idea, let’s go to the horse’s mouth and ask Birthday Boy, Mark Mallman, what his thoughts were on this unique cake:

– “I got three bites in before I vomited.  It was the best birthday ever!”

– “The wood was certainly not edible.  I don’t understand why they used wood on a cake.”

– “I thought these were the Rugrats characters, thank God for the ‘Human Centipede Birthday Cake’ label on the cake to clear that up.” 

– “I don’t know why my friends call me by my first AND last name.” 


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WELCOME BACK HOSTESS!

Woody Harrelson’s rough-and-tough character, Tallahassee, braved a nation of flesh-craving, undead cannibals, searching for the simple spongey deliciousness of a Twinkie in the hit comedy, Zombieland.

The tragic fate of this Twinkiepede would surely have brought a tear to ‘ol Tallahassee’s eyes.

“Those poor Twinkies never hurt anyone!”

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AND NOW, HUMAN CENTIPEDE BAKING WITH MARTHA STEWART…

“Hello friends.  Today, we’re going to take a page out of my new cookbook, “Heinous Baking with Martha”, creating everyone’s favorite surgically screwed-up dessert.  If it’s October, then it’s time to fill your home with the sweet aroma of our Human Centipede cupcakes. 

– First, make sure you iron your cloth napkins.  A Human Centipede cupcake on a wrinkled napkin just won’t do.  Don’t forget to polish your silverware as well, if you can see your reflection in it, your guests can see their smile as well.

– A lit candle with the wafting smell of cinnamon will fill your home with an autumnal aroma, a treat for your guests.

Now, we’re going to use a fresh-made buttercream for our Centipede heads.   My secret?  Just a pinch of almond extract will make your mouth-to-tush baked treats the ones all the Trick-or-Treaters want to bite into this All Hallows’ Eve.

Soft Red vine licorice will supply the touching look of dread we’re looking to place on these cupcakes. 

Now, we can’t forget the delicious shared digestive-track, can we?   A simple line of licorice straight through the cake of all three will do the trick.

Place your disgusting doomed treats on a hand-cut ornamental doily, and your ghoulish guests will be smiling all through the night. 

 

Join me next time, as we make my famous fruity Evil Dead blood punch with a garnish of fresh-picked celery stalks.

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Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Food, Halloween, Humor, Movies, Pop Culture

Blumes Spoils Movies You (Probably) Don’t Care About!

By Andrew Blumetti

SPOILER NON-ALERT…

“Hooray for Hollywood!”

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that saying is very sweet in theory and it makes for a most-likely terrible tramp stamp tattoo, but in actuality, movies are a business, and to quote Lieutenant Aldo Raine of Inglourious Basterds fame, “…cousin, business is a-boomin’”.

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God, that point is almost shocking when you really think about it.

Why? Because twelve dollars. 

Yes, that’s…

  • Twelve George Washingtons
  • Two Abe Lincolns and two George Washingtons
  • An Alexander Hamilton and two Georgies

Think about all the late, great, famous green presidents and historical figures who need to be sadly plunked down at the box office window for you just to simply step foot into a movie theater.  Add in the second third mortgage it takes to add in a garbage can of popcorn, a swimming pool-sized soda, and a sleeping bag of Twizzlers, and a simple trip to the cinema eventually turns into, “Sorry kids, Mommy and Daddy can’t send you to college because we just had to see Shark Night 3D back in 2011.”

“You got rid of ME to see The Adventures of Pluto Nash?  I cannot tell a lie.  You’re a goober.
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Add in the aggravation of annoying flat-brim-hatted teens, inconsiderate theater talkers, 3D and IMAX surcharges, and the sci-fi glowing lights of every smartphone giving the dark theater an eerie blue-ish glow straight out of a cemetery, and it’s borderline amazing that Hollywood is still pulling in the billions it does from us theatergoers.
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Not to mention the giant elephant in the room:   For that sickening price, a lot of current flicks range from “meh” to “super meh”. Yes, there’s a lot of junk in that elephant’s trunk, but even more on the big screen.
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Sadly it’s true.  Sure, every given year has its own great triumphs of the cinematic nature, but overall, it’s not too big of a leap to say we’re not currently in any kind of grand 21st Century film Renaissance here.
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Unfortunately, not every film can be Citizen Cane or Annie Hall.  Heck, they all can’t even be City Slickers 2:  The Legend of Curly’s Gold.
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Well, since the judge didn’t say what exactly counts as community service, I hope this counts.   And at least I can save you, the fateful reader, from having to watch these questionable 20-year old films all the way through. Time to spoil…
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You don’t have to thank me now, just don’t forget me next time you go to pick up some Chipotle.
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(Blumes note:  The following is in good fun.  If you enjoy any these films, or if you’re Bruce Willis, I apologize in advance. Sorry Bruce.) 

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ROCK-A-DOODLE (1992)


SYNOPSIS:  Talk about laying an egg!

Uncle Jesse-ish Rooster grows killer pompadour, dons bedazzled jumpsuit, does his worst impression of fatter late-era Elvis.

It actually was pretty accurate as Rock-a-Doodle basically died on the toilet too.  Throw in a storyline about a flood, some cats and add Charles Nelson Rielly’s voice into the mix for good measure.  Shockingly, this didn’t connect with kids.

BOX OFFICE:  $11 million

SPOIL TIME!Missing Elvis bird comes back, sings, sun comes up, which can’t be a major surprise, as it’s exactly what Little Orphan Annie said would happen years ago.  The protagonist cat turns back into a person, worlds of humans and talking animals merge.

They would’ve done a sequel, but the animators’ and writers’ hands were too cramped from issuing apology letters to every human on planet Earth.

♪ “Love me (chicken) tender” ♪

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BLANK CHECK (1994)

SYNOPSIS:  Blonde kid in the 90’s who wasn’t Macaulay Culkin mistakenly receives a blank check, fills it in for a million bucks, spends it on junk like slap bracelets, Reebok Pump sneakers, and those CD’s that came in long, cardboard cases.  Mobsters want it back, which correct me if I’m wrong, was the exact same plot to The Godfather Part II, right?

Karen Duffy, Tone Lōc, and the little spaghetti-haired runt from Family Ties (who I wrote about in this article) helped this simple snoozer work its way up to a snoozer of epic proportions.  Trust me, I saw it in theaters.

BOX OFFICE:  $30 million  (…but to be fair, $29, 999, 994 of that wasn’t from my wallet.)

SPOIL TIME!FBI traces marked bills being spent by Family Ties kid.  Bumbling mob has a showdown with a 5th grader, and you can take a big fat guess who wins.   With the threatening mob single-handedly toppled by a prepubescent zit-faced tween, the ragamuffin goes home and his family throws him a birthday party.  Kid still isn’t Macaulay Culkin at film’s end.

“Andy wrote a check THIS BIG!  …and he voted Democratic!”

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WELCOME HOME,  ROXY CARMICHAEL (1990)


SYNOPSIS:  Winona Ryder has a wardrobe of 1990’s clothes, career.

She portrays an antisocial ‘lil scamp named “Dinky” who believes former film star, Roxy Carmichael, is her estranged mother.  Jeff Daniels has less messier hair than usual.

BOX OFFICE:  $4 million

SPOIL TIME!Break out the Kleenex, cause unfortunately, Dinky is not Roxy’s daughter, they just both have unusual names.  Actually, by the film’s end, we never even see Roxy. No biggie, it would’ve just been Jeff Daniels in drag anyway.

Disappointed by this news, Dinky ends up with a popular guy from school who never realizes he’s dating a girl named Dinky.  Thanks to Mermaids, this is actually not the worst film she releases in 1990.

“Roxy, you’re a sweet gal, but I requested Breyer’s ice cream, not Dreyer’s.  Learn to listen.”

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DR. GIGGLES  (1992)

SYNOPSIS:  Son of a wacky doctor returns to seek revenge for Obamacare.  Or something…

There’s a girl with a heart condition, hacked-up simple townsfolk, and a spooky house of mirrors.  Pretty much standard fare for a slasher flick… but with Doug E. Doug in it, so… win/win. (Of course if they changed the definition of “win”.)

For a more competent doctor, I’d suggest either Pepper or Dre.

BOX OFFICE:  $8 million

SPOIL TIME!Giggles, who has slashed up the stupid town, is killed by a teenager with a heart condition with defibrillators and surgery tools because movies.

He then lifts his scrubbed-leg and pees all over the fourth wall, making the cardinal sin of looking straight into the camera, addressing the already-annoyed viewer, and puking out the cringe-worthy line, “Is there a doctor in the house?” before finally croaking.  Ruin your day and experience it for yourself.

Here’s the real spoiler- no one answers cause they fell asleep ten minutes into this diaper-filler.

“Say Ahhh-wful”

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LOOK WHO’S TALKING NOW! (1993)

SYNOPSIS:   Remember when John Travolta had a most-welcomed comeback as a strung-out, $5 milkshake-drinking hitman in 1994’s smash, Pulp Fiction?  Well, this dud one of those things he had to come back from.

The babies have grown up, so of course the dogs talk. PETA actually considered being in this film akin to animal cruelity. Kirstie Alley was splashed with cans of red paint which she quickly learned the hard way was definitely not delicious ketchup.

And last, but certainly not least, a prolific appearance by the “Round Mound of Rebound” himself, Mr. Charles Barkley.

Jordan may have been the star of Space Jam, but on set, portly Chuck was known as “Space Ham”. 

BOX OFFICE:  $10 million

SPOIL TIME!Dog voiced by Danny DeVito (yet slightly taller) saves lives!   Wolves are scared by beeper sounds, dating this film in a way that only freakin’ beeper sounds could.  By the end, I could’ve sworn the dog voiced by Diane Keaton was wearing a frumpy hat and clunky shoes.

A happy ending reunites the whole clan, as opposed to Happy Endings the show, who’s cancellation separated their whole clan.  I kick myself for seeing this one before the first two Look Who’s Talking movies.

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CUTTHROAT ISLAND  (1995)

Cutthroat island ver2.jpg

SYNOPSIS:  (From IMDB)  A female pirate and her companion race against their rivals to find a hidden island that contains a fabulous treasure.

At the time, the film’s star, Geena Davis, was married to Renny Harlin, the film’s director.  They divorced three years later.

Yes, this film was so bad, it literally broke up a marriage.

BOX OFFICE: $10 million

SPOIL TIME!:   Surprise!  The audience is treated to a walk off the plank into shark infested waters.  Which is much less painful than sitting through the rest of the film.

Cutthroat Island, the video game?  More like video lame. Wokka wokka.

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HUDSON HAWK (1991)

SYNOPSIS:  Finally, one of the most notorious box office bombs of the 90’s. Oddly this might actually might have the distinction of being the best film mentioned here today.

Action hero, Bruce Willis, plays Hudson Hawk, a cat burglar who is blackmailed by the mob (likely the same mob from Blank Check) to steal pieces of valuable art.  To ruin any chance of audience enjoyability, he and Danny Aiello sing as well.

Why this didn’t break $100 million at the box office is beyond me.

BOX OFFICE:  $17 million

SPOIL TIME!Hudson Hawk kills bad guy, drinks cappuccino.   Sorry Hawk, you were twenty years too early for Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Starbucks’ new slogan:  “Officially NOT featured in Hudson Hawk!”

Blumes note:  I’ve actually passed by Danny Aiello a couple times at the supermarket, and I’ve been too intimidated to bring this movie up to him for fear of being viciously beaten up.

…Next time Andrew, next time.

“Don’t you interrupt me when I’m picking out Chips Ahoy, punk!”

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Filed under Animation, Comedy, Entertainment, Humor, Movies, Pop Culture, Retro