By Andrew Blumetti
That’s the traditional gummy holy trinity, plain and simple.
Once in a blue moon, you’ll see the candy powers-that-be branch out and cook up something unique, like gummy dolphins, gummy cola bottles or a gummy De Milo (the rarest gummy of them all), but honestly, who needs all those bells and whistles? Deep down, don’t we all just wish those were bears while we’re chowing down on them?
If there’s one thing we’ve learned from life, it’s this: When something’s good and a buck’s being made, some schmuck goes too far and ruins it. That’s why we had Speed 2, the final season of Roseanne, and a Belushi brother who’s name wasn’t John.
Companies tend to overestimate how much sugary crap we will shove down our gullets and really– there’s only so far kids will go when it comes to gross candy. Check a trick-or-treater’s bag on December 1st, you’ll still see half-melted Mary Janes and awful Bit-O-Honeys decomposing at the bottom of it sticking to the side, waiting for sweet life in the garbage can.
…and if some rube decides to hand out these horrid looking things, they’ll certainly be sitting in there too.
Yuck Factor: 3
Why’s it So Gross?: I usually subscribe to the theory bacon makes almost all things better. Add it to a cheeseburger, eggs, or a turkey club, and it’s a crispy, artery-clogging treat.
Something about the fact that this has gummy fat on it really isn’t sweetening the deal, and it sure seems strange that pig on the box is so excited to help the pork industry.
Plus, if there’s one thing we all look for in our artificial bacon, isn’t it strawberry flavoring?
Yuck Factor: 5
Why’s it So Gross?: This is how Hannibal Lecter started, isn’t it?
I’m picturing the second you sink your teeth into this awful gummy organ, it must seem like an eternity to actually get through it.
Once again, strawberry’s the unlucky flavor of choice when trying to distract us from how disgusting something appears. Gritting through this wretched thing may actually be only slightly worse than eating an actual heart.
GUMMY T-BONE STEAK
Yuck Factor: 1
Why’s it So Gross?: Don’t bother taking out the A-1 for this.
There’s very few things as enjoyable as firing up my Weber grill on an early summer evening, tossing on a mouth-watering steak, and watching the flames lick the searing meat. The smells, the flavors- it just does the Macarena on your pallet.
While this isn’t as bad as… let’s say the heart, raw-looking red meat just doesn’t seem to translate well into gummy world, and comes off as more T-bonehead than anything else.
Kudos for packaging it in a pseudo supermarket meat package though.
Yuck Factor: 7
Why’s it So Gross?: A rainbow colored Band-Aid would’ve sufficed perfectly here, but, it’s the stupid realism that hurts this bandaged mess.
Maybe there’s a small market for candy with blood stains on it in some backwoods Deliverance-ish town, but I highly doubt the CEO of this mess is driving a Porsche Boxster and sending his bratty kids to Princeton on the skyrocketing sales of the bloody gummy bandage.
Yuck Factor: 10
Why’s it So Gross?: Because there’s a better chance of contracting hepatitis from this than from licking the floor of a Waffle House bathroom.
You know how a hurricane goes over a body of warm water, picks up steam and shoots up a category on the Saffir-Simpson Scale? Well, the second I realized this liver-enlarger was a thong, it was gifted with a dreaded “10” on the yuck factor.
Guys- If your girl wears these, run for the hills yesterday.
Girls- If your guy wants you to wear these, Krazy Glue his toilet seat.
Yuck Factor: 3
Why’s it So Gross?: We Americans can tell you, the Scottish staple, haggis, is incredibly rare here.
From what I’ve gathered, you pretty much let Michael Myers go to town on a sheep or lamb, remove all the tasty innards, encase them in stomach lining, boil it all up, and the end result is a finger-lickin’ sausage.
I do love green plaid and sausage, so this butterscotch gummy equivalent, so sensitively called, “Angry Scotsman’s”, is winning me over more and more as I type. I am going to have to ask my Scottish friend Cherie, if this gummy haggis is popular on the other side of the pond, or if it’s just plain “b’aaaahhhhhhddd”. (Some terrible sheep humor)
GUMMY “BOX OF BOOGERS”
Yuck Factor: 9
Why’s it So Gross?: With the tissue-filling tagline, “SsssNot Your Regular Gummy!” this box of corn-syrupy sophistication features “Tangy Gummy Boogies that Look & Feel Real!”. That about sums it up.
I would’ve loved to be a fly on the wall in the testing room for these sugary snot rockets. I could imagine it now:
-“Needs more lumpiness!”
-“The green ones aren’t true to life.”
-“I switched them out on my friend, and he didn’t know the difference!”
-“Really helped break the ice when I met my in-laws!”
Yuck Factor: 6
Why’s it So Gross?: Hey Jelly Belly, calling this thing a “pet rat” isn’t making it any more appealing and cute.
Ratatouille this is not. This nasty thing looks like a freakin’ subway rat. Vermin spread disease, eat dumpster trash, and Splinter was one of the weakest Ninja Turtles characters, let’s not reward that in candy-form.
With any luck, the black plague you get from noshing on the gummy rat will take you out before you have to finish it.
GUMMY “BURSTING BUGS”
Yuck Factor: 2
Why’s it So Gross?: Without any concrete picture of these, jumping to conclusions on these may be a bit rash. They probably aren’t as bad as they seem, as the “bursting” quality could either be kinda awesome or horribly awful.
We’ll probably all look back with fondness when Disney Pixar releases A Gummy Bug’s Life in the summer of 2016.
Yuck Factor: 9
Why’s it So Gross?: For once, saying something tastes like crap isn’t an insult.
I really wish I could tell what language that is, and what country that’s producing these sugary fecal globs to impressionable youths.
The smiling swirly dookie on the packaging sure seems like a happy fella, even though he’s got nothing on Mr. Hankey. Everyone I know will be finding a package of these in their stocking this Christmas.
Try to act surprised.
GUMMY FETUS (Regular version and The Flaming Lips version)
Yuck Factor: (Regular) 4, (Flaming Lips) 8
Why’s it So Gross?: Well, the first version would be weird enough, but just close your eyes, quickly bite off the legs, and it kinda looks like a sideways gummy manatee.
As for the latter, The Flaming Lips are a critically acclaimed band, who break into dentist’s offices, suck down all the nitrus oxide, and then decide the most bizarre ways to release music to the masses. This is a 2011 three-song release of theirs on a USB drive stuck inside a yes, gummy fetus… just like the way Sinatra used to do it.
Keep in mind, once you bite into that thing, you’re the guy who bit into a fetus. You can’t undo that.
GUMMY ZIT POPPERS
Yuck Factor: 10
Why’s it So Gross?: If you ever wondered what the greasy teenage cashier’s face at the supermarket tastes like, wonder no longer.
On the plus side, it leaves a void for someone to create gummy Clearasil. Million dollar idea!