Rick and Roll! The A to Z’s of Alan Rickman

By Andrew Blumetti

“Blumes, don’t you start Buzzfeed articling me!”

He died hard.

He Harry Pottered.

He Robin Hooded.

He Sensed and Sensibilityed.

He caused me to create fake words.

Renowned thespian of the Shakespearean theater, Alan Rickman has been tossing a shiny slick coating of refined Union Jacked-charm over the Hollywood sign for the past three decades of Earth time.

A wealth of colorful characters under his belt, often portraying a menacing villain with a touch of ironically unironic Eurotrash sophistication thrown in for good measure.  Through and through, Rickman’s genuinely an actor’s actor–  time-tested, well-respected, almost British to a glorious fault, and graced with a sharper, drier sense of humor than he’s often credited with.

“Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I’m not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we’re doing here.”

-Alan Rickman

See?

And for all you “Al-manics”, drink some Gatorade and take this moment to stretch out those hamstrings.

Prepare to jump for joy 26 times… it’s time for…

ALAN RICKMAN:  A to Z:

APRON:

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BORING HEALTHY DIET FOOD…

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CHEATING ON HIS DIET INSTEAD…

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DUCK FACE AIN’T JUST FOR 16-YEAR OLD INSTAGRAMMERS ANYMORE!

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ELLEN DEGENERES DIDN’T ASK ME TO BE IN HER OSCAR SELFIE PHOTO!

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FORGOT THE SUNSCREEN:

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“GOOD STEEL”:

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“HERE WE’LL JUST PAINT A HAPPY LITTLE TREE…”

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IMAGINARY BOWLING:

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JAZZ HAND, (JUST ONE):

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KING OF KILT STATUE MOUNTAIN:

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LOVIN’ HIS DEMETRI MARTIN HALLOWEEN COSTUME:

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MY TRENT REZNOR-LOOKALIKE AWARD IS IN THE BAG!

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NICKELBACK’S STILL AROUND?!?:

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OH ELEVEN HERBS AND SPICES, HOW I LOVE THEE…

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PHIL ROBERTSON DARED ME TO DO THIS:

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QUIGLEY DOWN UNDER:

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“REALLY, I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE BACHELOR WAS THINKING LAST NIGHT…”

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SIAMESE RICKMAN:

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THERE’S ALWAYS ROOM FOR CELLO…

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UNDERPANTS AL!

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VALENTINE’S DAY:

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“WU-TANG CLAN AIN’T NOTHING TO $%@! WITH!”

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X-MAS RICKSTER (AKA MIS-AL-TOE)

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“YOU EXPECT ME TO MAKE EGGS IN THIS?!?”

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“ZOOEY DESCHANEL, WILL YOU MARRY ME?”

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Fake Movie Review: Mike Tyson Vs. Thor: The Dark World

By Andrew Blumetti Mike Tyson

Hello blog readers and potential victims of mine!

Change your fancy drawers, because sitting in today as a guest writer for this Blumes blog thing is me, heavyweight champion of the galaxy and greatest person ever to walk the planet, “Iron Mike” Tyson. 

I’m lucky enough to bless you regular folks with my earthy movie knowledge and Ivy-League wisdom.  Actually, you’re lucky enough to have me do this, cause if there’s one guy who knows what he’s talking about, it’s one with a giant tribal tattoo on his face.  Today, I will beat your eyes up with infinite pleasure and send your brains to the E.R. as I will give you my sparkling review of Thor: The Dark World.

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To properly convey my feelings about said film, let’s first define the movie’s title.

Webster’s Dictionary defines “Thor” as “painfully sensitive” or “hurt or inflamed so as to be or seem painful“.

Let me use it in a sentence:  “After I banged my fist on the Pizza Hut delivery boy’s jaw, it was thor.”

“Hey Hammer, U Can’t Touch me!”– Mike Tyson

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Now, there is a big freakin’ hammer in this new Thor movie, but at no point does he ever hit his finger with it and it’s never thor, so I don’t know why they named the movie that.  I felt my blood begin to boil and I was ready to punch the director’s head off for confusing my delicate and delicious brain.

Ya know, I think I saw this blonde man before in The Avengers movie last year.  Supposedly someone named Iron Man was in that movie.  Now, they call me “Iron Mike”, but I don’t know why they didn’t offer me the job for that movie instead.   And look at all that metal in my mouth- Mike’s the real Iron Man!

“This tattoo is happy to be on my face!”

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A few years ago, this Thor guy said his character was gonna “fight like me“.

Now, I don’t know if this Fabio-lookin’ chump knows how things work with Iron Mike, but when you throw down a challenge like that, I accept.  He may not have been thor in the movie, but after he meets me, he’ll be thor in real life.

Here’s a picture I drew of me biting off his ear:

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When I was watching Thor, I got up in the middle of the movie to get some popcorn and Milk Duds–  they’re Mike’s favorite sweet treat to tell my thtomach to shut up.   When hunger strikes, I beat the everlovin’ crap out of it and its mother, ya know?

Unfortunately, Mike got lost in the lobby and walked back into that silly Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs movie instead.  I sat there for a half @#!$ing hour until I realized it was the wrong theater.  I just thought it was raining Italian food on that blonde guy, and I started punching the screen, and yelled, “Hey screen!  I’ll rip your heart out, dance on it and bathe in your screen blood, then put it back in and rip it out again!”

So, I ended up mithing the last half of Thor and that made me wanna find that usher and feed his no-good spleen to his children and make them pay me for the privilege of doing it.

Oh yeah!  There was also this loud baby who was crying the whole time during the Meatball movie, and I just couldn’t take it.  He finally shut his ‘lil pie hole once I punched him right in his baby face.   Now his face has a tattoo of Mike’s fist!  No baby can go ten roundths with Iron Mike!

IRON MIKE: 1, BABY: 0

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So, in conclusion, since I didn’t see the whole movie, it’d be really methed-up to give you a score.

…but I will anyway.

Action score:  It was action-packed, and full of more hammers than my trip to Home Depot.  I give it FOUR earless Evander Holyfields:

           

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Drama score:  Drama’s sthupid.  I didn’t pay to see the Thisterhood of that Pants movie.  I’m hungry, I’m gonna go punch me some lunch.

(waiting…)

(waiting…)

Wait, what?  I gotta give a score?  No.

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Overall score:  Trust me, if Iron Mike says a movie is good, my word’s as good as gold, and you’d better go see it or I’ll knock on your door and meth you up.  I don’t see a lot of movies, and I didn’t even see this whole one, but I will say, Thor is the best movie since Thnakes on a Plane.  On a scale of one to ten, I give it an A+.

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Don’t let me find out you didn’t see it, or I’ll make you thor.

Thank you to Blumes for letting me beat him up so I could write this.

I love you all, and the pigeons under the bridge,

Mike Tyson

“Let me kith you.”