Tag Archives: Urkel

The Seven Deadly Sins of Bill Cosby

By Andrew Blumetti  Bill Cosby

This blog has gone off a cliff.

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GLUTTONY

 

“Well, here, I had the taaaaasty ham sammich, and the mustard was just bippity baaa gooood. 

Ya see… the chippppps, they’re the ruffled, kinda like Theo’s hair, DAAAA, and the shirt with the leiiiii… well it’s like Hawaii! with the belly dancers and the volcanoes and it’s too warm for ma’ sweaters!  DAAAAA” 

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SLOTH

 

“Ahh, look at sleeeepy Billllll. 

Well, what happened here, I had a long night the day before this.  Little Rudy, ya remember HER?  Well, her little mustache keep collecting the FLOP SWEAT!  Baaaaa!  The bright lights, ya seeeee, they kept glistening off her little whiskerrrrs, and zippity zop bop, we had to keep filming My Bill Show late into the nighttttt!  Daaa…” 

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PRIDE

 

“My showwww.   Bippity zip, man ya know I was the firrrst black guy on the TV!  I did the Picture PAAAAAAges, with the Mortimer Ichabod Marker.  He was squeakier than my old shoes!  Bip bobbity… 

Ya know what time ma’ watch says?  It says it’s the bibbity booop blorp!  BAAAAAA.”

 

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ENVY

“That stupid Urkel kid! – that showwww was the stupid! 

He just sat there with the snortin’ and bortin’ and the hip bob bibbity boo zopp, with the pants up to his stupid kid nipples.  I can’t believe they stayed on the air, and ‘ol Bill got thrown in the garbage like a used Kodak Film box. DAAAAA.”

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LUST

“I went to TEMPLEEEEE.  The UNIVERSITTTY!  And nobody beats the Owls.  Except for the Penn, who’s sweatshirt I got on.  …and these fine young trackleetes from The University of the Tennessee. 

Boppidy bop!  I wore my best sweatpants to impress ‘em and hopefully get them the pregnant!  They had the orange shorts and I thought I was at the Hooooooters!   I said, ‘I’ll have some Buffalo wings with the hot sauceee!’  DAAAAA…” 

(Blumes note:  Bill later settled undisclosed lawsuits with both of these unfortunate girls who claimed Mr. Cosby encroached upon them, asking  “You want Dr. Huxtable to help you deliver the baby?!?”)

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GREED

“GHOST DADDDD!!! DAAAAA!!!  Biggest hit of the summer of 1990!!  And the second most successful film from that calendar year with the word ‘Ghost’ in the title

I got lots of the dead prezzies to play a dead guy.  Ghost Bill was zoobity zip zip!  I came back with my TOP HAT and the zipppty and the zorp and the kids wanted to play with ‘ma briefcase!  Frizzle frazzle!” 

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WRATH


“Well, the chubby kid, ya see, he ate all my puddin’ POPPPPPS. 

The little porker, well he got what was comin’ to him.  He’s eatin’ ma’ foooood instead listening to the jazz music!  I dropped him on the floor, and he fell on Lisa Bonet!  DAAAA   Zippity zip zorp bop!  Ya know what?  That little meatball never touched ma’ food again!  He knew Bill had the boppity bip zaaa!!!”

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Editor’s Note:  Bill Cosby said every single word on here.  Truth.

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Carl Winslow Kills His Whole Family! (Family Splatters)

By Andrew Blumetti

“You can find me on Twitter, @COP4LIFEINEVERYTHINGIAPPEARIN”

To address that seemingly exaggerated title, let’s bust out of the starting gate with an important question.  One simple inquiry that should, no, make that needs to be answered by the end of this article.

“Did he do thaaaaaaaaat?”

..and my dear friends, the answer to that haunting query, beyond a shadow of a doubt will absolutely come back, yes.

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Carl Otis Winslow is an island.

No, that’s not just because the zoftig patriarch of the Chicago household is filled with more coconuts than a Rupert Holmes song, it’s because, despite his penchant for adult hissy-fits and Sears Tower-high cholesterol, this doughy donut factory is still standing on two legs.

…and more importantly, it’s because a good chunk of his family isn’t.  

This is going to get ugly.

Take a few seconds to gander, ganderers.  Above this very sentence is a delightful photo of the Winslow clan mid-series.  Sure, they’re all smiles and bright colors here, but fate would reach its cold, calloused hand down and throw them in a different direction.  You can print that adorable picture out, tape it to your wall, toss a dart at it, and there’s a likely chance the character it lands on quietly disappeared by the series’ unfateful demise in 1999.

Well, of course, unless it landed on Carl.

Carl Winslow

Now, by comparison, here’s a cast photo in the show’s final (nauseatingly bad) season:

urkel 1

That’s some bone-chilling Winslow subtraction.

 

A few additions, a lot of subtractions.  My, my, my, that is some frighteningly suspicious TGIF math there.   Granted, television is a fickle land, shows do pick up and drop stars at will.  Heck, look no further than the differences between E.R.‘s first and last season casts, there’s nary an Eriq La Salle to be seen for miles around.  What made the cast changeovers on Family Matters unique is how heavy, yet subtle the subtractions came.

A typical 90’s neon-drenched sitcom whose seed was deeply planted in Perfect Strangers, (the Odd Couple for Eurotrash in the 1980’s), Family Matters quickly grabbed the “loving middle class African American family” baton from The Cosby Show, and ran like the Dickens through the following decade.

“Now I am so offended, we do the dance of joy!”

The hilarious irony is that the longer the show lasted, the less family seemed to matter.   Quietly dropping like flies, all while pants-to-his-stupid-nipples next-door nerd neighbor, Steve Urkel, apologetically hijacked the show, dunked it in silly juice, crashed it on the moon and eventually turning it into a grade-A slapstick mess on toast.

If there’s one thing Carl knew well, it was food, and if “you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs” rings true, it’s time to start looking at the last man standing for the remains of those tossed broken eggshells…

THE WINSLOW FAMILY BODY COUNT:

1.  Judy Winslow

judy winslow

I know we’re all thinking it, so I’ll just say it: “Poor Man’s Rudy”.

 

In real life, Jaimee Foxworth, who portrayed the youngest Winslow kin, took a major league spill down crap mountain so historic, even the world’s most adorable meth-head, Jodi Sweetin, rolled her bloodshot eyes at her in pity.  In the world of Family Matters though, Judy just flat-out disappeared, (although to the viewing audience, she actually disappeared somewhere between episodes 2 and 4).   The best part?  The family blew it off like the girl never existed in the first place.

Or, just what Carl Winslow would have us believe.

THEORY:  Desperate for a ratings bump and with blood-sugar issues driving him up a wall, Carl, infamous for his 28 Days Later-level of rage, turned to cannibalism during a dark, unaired episode.

Let’s begin our meal…

  • 4 quarts of chicken broth
  • 1 onion, diced
  • 2 teaspoons kosher salt
  • 1 young Winslow child

Annoyingly useless character gone, hunger pains gone?  Sounds like a Win/Winslow situation to me!

“Harriet, my Judy Noodle Soup was too salty.”

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2.  Rachel Baines-Crawford

“I wonder if Hollywood Squares is hiring.”

She wore stupid hats, sang at strange times, opened a restaurant with the most narcissistic name humanly possible, and bizarrely enough, left her weirdo son out of nowhere, only to make periodic returns at the oddest times with no explanation given.

Rachel’s sudden and unexplained disappearance was even more peculiar than Judy’s, as the character played a bigger, more important role (in other words, she had actual lines of dialogue).  Richie basically lost a mom, Harriet lost her sister, Rachel’s Place lost its owner, and Telma Hopkins lost her paycheck.  Tragedy was dinging like a pinball machine all over the Matters universe.

THEORY: During the final season’s Christmas episode, Rachel, after opening her presents, skedaddled and was never to be seen again (although leaving the show at that point really was a present).  To explain her lengthy absences, it’s safe to assume Carl “Buffalo Billed” Rachel, keeping her in an underground pit in her own restaurant’s basement, to fry up glazed donuts/yaks for him upon his request.

“It puts the sprinkles in the basket!”

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3.  Estelle Winslow

THUG LIFE.

SHOWDOWN!  Her new hip is the new hip!  A battle royale of this streetwise granny vs. yours truly

                ESTELLE                 BLUMES

Dates:            MANY                      HAHA!

Social Life:    YES                          HUH?

Hip Factor:   HIGH             PAUL PFEIFFER-ISH

Yet, despite kicking my sorry white kiester in carpe diem-ing, after marrying her main squeeze, Fletcher, the eldest Winslow also mysteriously went POOF! from the show, taking her new baritone hubby and the greater Chicago area’s supply of Ben Gay down the bottomless pit with her.

THEORY:  Let’s just put it this way… you don’t want to know what the secret ingredient in Carl’s “Taco Tuesday” menu is.  Yes, those are bits of support hose in there.

“Carl’s tacos gave me the Urkel squirts!”

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4.  Richie Crawford

“I don’t know why God made me either!”

Mother of all creatures, big and small!  This creepy little troll-faced hobgoblin…

Nowhere near as adorable as they portrayed him, freaky little Richie Crawford somehow managed to pull off the Everest-task of sporting both a terrible Jheri-curl AND a mullet simultaneously.

It’s like this… you know how when viewing photos of Michael Jackson as a child, there’s that wave of shock about how normal he looked in comparison?  Well, Richie is like an adult Michael Jackson, but as a freakin’ kid.  Trying to try to figure how that molestation scenario would play out hurts my brain.*

*too soon.

THEORY:  As if one weirdo youth wasn’t enough, the Winslows adopted the biggest sass-mouthed orphan since Annie.  Enter Jerry Jamal  Jameson, also known as “3J”, in the eighth season.  The powers that be deemed this too many kids, so latchkey Richie vanished with his flaky mom during the final season’s Christmas episode, leaving 3J to take the reigns as the low-Winslow for the show’s final half-season.

Or more likely, Carl paid 3J to poison Richie’s Capri Sun pouches.  The little runt never saw it coming.

urkel 2

No big loss, half of Richie’s paycheck went towards 70’s curl gel anyway.

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5.  Waldo “Geraldo” Faldo

“I just used Harriet’s luffa.  Does that make me less of a man?”

The resident city village idiot and best friend of Eddie Winslow, Carl’s eldest child.  Waldo was the owner of a Forrest Gump-ish lQ, an unexpected culinary flair, and is the single-handed reason I still annoy people to this day by responding, “No prob, Bob”.   But, in typical Matters mystique, he vamoosed during the show’s December years faster than a dirty-footed hippie dodging the draft during the 70’s.

So…

(wait for it…)

(keep waiting…)

Where’s Waldo?

THEORY:  When good-natured simpleton Waldo tried to cook calorie-Carl a healthy, low-carb broccoli dinner, Winslow snapped like a postal worker in the 1990’s.  That’s the number one reason you don’t bring your piece to the dinner table.  (Number two reason?  Buckshot in the rice pudding.)

Well, that’s the wrong Geraldo if I’ve ever seen one.

6.  (original) Harriet Winslow

“Hey Harriet, stop giving us a bad name.”

-Wet Blankets

Close to the series’ close, when it had unceremoniously been dumped on CBS to die a slow and painful, and well-deserving death, Jo Marie Payton, the show’s second-billed actress, left the show, to unseemlessly be replaced by a different Harriet Winslow, played by JudyAnn Elder.  Yes, we all noticed.  It was like a bad toupee.

urkel 3

Nope.

THEORY: To any readers in Chicago, go to Soldier Field.  Yes, literally on the grass.  Now, start running.  Notice that huge lump bulging out on the 20-yard line?  Courtesy of Harriet Winslow!

“DA HARRS!”

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When would supa-fly homeboy Eddie, goody-two-shoes fussbudget Laura, and massive shark-jumper Urkel have bit the proverbial dust too?  Maybe a tenth season would’ve given “Carl the Calorie Killer” Winslow the chance to work his malevolent magic on those unsuspecting stupid kids, but alas, we’ll just never know what horrors laid ahead at 1516 W. Wrightwood Avenue in Chicago, Illinois.

…or should we call it… HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES?!?

“HAHA! That Urkel sure loves his cheese!”

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Now remember that adorable family photo from earlier?  By comparison, it looks a heck of a lot sweeter than this haunting piece of evidence, found by detectives in Carl’s disturbing bedroom:

family matters

Till next time… no sweat, my pets! 

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The Cereal Killer Quiz! (Breakfast That’ll Murder Your Appetite)

By Andrew Blumetti

G’morning everyone, rise and shine!

Wait a minute.  Is that your stomach growling like a tugboat?  Did you skip breakfast again?  You know that old saying about breakfast being the most important meal of the day, right?

How important you say?  Let’s take a look…

(insert dreamy transition harp music here…)

In a Fantasy WorldAfter eight hours of sound sleep, you pop up out of bed with the warm rays of sun cracking through the window and glowing on your face, crisp-eyed and fresh as a fiddle.

Time to slide down the banister in your fuzzy pajamas, hop into the kitchen, pour some fresh-squeezed OJ, slice up some just-picked fruit, sit down to some toast and warm oatmeal, and rack up those all-important vitamins right out of the starting gate.  Your body will thank you after all, it’s healthy, nutritious, and an all-around great way to give your body and mind the fuel it needs to take on the day, grab the world by its stupid throat and say “Bring it on chump!”.

In RealityAfter leaving more grimy fingerprint smudges on your snooze button than John Wayne Gacy at a Chuck E. Cheese skeeball, you stumble out of bed– groggy, freezing cold, full of eye boogers, and cursing the fact that Saturday may as well be a year away.  After catching a gander at the ungodly late time, it must somehow be Daylight Savings Time and the clocks are wrong, right?

Not even close.  After a lightning quick shower and fighting with your contact lenses, the realization sinks in that a healthy breakfast (which is for squares anyway) is taking a backseat to a backseat today.  Lego the idea of an Eggo as toasting a frozen waffle or bagel is too time-costly, so it’s time to open the cabinets, pour some sugary cereal in a bowl, drown it in milk and wolf it down so quickly, even your dog will look up at you thinking, “Geez, slow it down, man”.

(I know this, because this was practically every day of my senior year of high school*…)

* “Senior year” may also include Freshman, Sophomore, and Junior years as well

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Well, despite the earlier lecture, I sincerely do hope you had enough time to enjoy your delicious and healthy breakfast this morning and get your day off to a magical start that’d make Walt Disney’s frozen head come back to life just to buy the movie rights to it.

Why you ask?

Cause you’re gonna need that fresh energy to get that grey matter fired-up, do some deep-knee bends and prepare yourself for the most undelicious pop quiz ever…

 

THE OFFICIAL CEREAL KILLER QUIZ

(Hint… C)

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1. Which of the following cereals is highest in 10 essential vitamins and nutrients? 

A. Special K

B. Raisin Bran

C. KIDDO BALLS

Blumes note:  It hurts my brain to think the derelict people who named this are allowed to drive cars on the same road as the rest of us.

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2. On a diet?  Looking to cut back on that pesky sugar?  Look no further than this timeless breakfast treat…

A. Apple Cinnamon Cheerios

B. Grape Nuts

C. KING VITAMIN

Blumes note The discontinuation of this one just hurts, cause finding a royal racing coach on eBay nowadays is seriously highway robbery.

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3. No dishes for you to wash!  This classic delicious cereal is so good, your slob kids will love to eat it out of their hand, sans milk…

A. Cheerios

B. Cinnamon Toast Crunch

C. QUAKE

Blumes note:  My doctor constantly gets on my case because everything I eat is lacking in EARTHQUAKE power.

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4. Don’t like your cereal soggy?  You’ve reached the holy grail with…

A. Lucky Charms

B. Golden Grahams

C. CRUNCHY LOGGS

Blumes note:  WARNING!  Don’t use that “Quiz Kid Calculator”.  Crunchy Loggs has rigged it to give “56601” as every answer.  (Typed on a calculator and turned upside down, that spells out “LOGGS”.  Seriously, give it a shot.)

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5. Don’t take your children down the cereal aisle of the supermarket, they’ll never shut up about…

A. Cap’n Crunch

B. Cocoa Puffs

C. DYNAMAN

Blumes noteThe official breakfast sponsor of To Catch a Predator.   Hey kids, don’t forget the “Free Dynaman Rub-ons Inside”!

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6. Which cereal mascot was voted as America’s favorite at this year’s Mascy Awards?

A. Tony the Tiger of Frosted Flakes

B. The Trix Rabbit of Trix

C. This insane clown of Post’s “Sugar Krinkles”

Blumes note:  Geez, even killer Pennywise the Clown called and said to dial it back.  

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7. This is the tried-and-true cereal your grandparents used to eat:

A. Corn Flakes

B. Kix

C. NICKELODEON GREEN SLIME CEREAL

Blumes note:   Huge bonus– when you vomit this up, it’ll pretty much look exactly like it did going down.

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8. This “vitamin charged” product will provide you with 70% of your daily recommended share of Riboflavin.  You’ll be sailing all day! 

A. Apple Jacks

B. Fruit Loops

C. SIR GRAPEFELLOW

Blumes note:   If anyone can please Fed-Ex me Sir Grapefellow’s air car toy, I’ll make it worth your while.

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9. Which of the following will create the best small talk with the cute cashier at the supermarket?

A. Chocolate Lucky Charms

B. Frankenberry

C. GOOD FRIENDS CEREAL

Blumes note:   $4.99 sounds a bit steep, but honestly, where else are you going to find “46% more fiber” at a better price?   With that high fiber content, this multi-ethnic-friendly cereal is guaranteeing people of all races remain on the toilet all day long. 

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10. ‘Fess up.  For breakfast this morning, I bet you had…

A. Frosted Mini Wheats

B. Life

C. CRISPY HEXAGONS

Blumes note:   Let’s thank the good people at Mathrite for finally bringing our love of geometry and breakfast together at last.

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11. Looking to cut back on those awful carbs?  Dig that spoon right into…

A. Boo Berry

B. Cracklin’ Oat Bran

C. MR. T CEREAL

Blumes note There’s more tasteless “T’s” in this than at an Abercrombie and Fitch! 

I pity the bowl this crap gets poured into.

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12.  Little known fact:  Albert Einstein wore the same outfit every day and actually ate this meal every morning:

A. Rice Krispies

B. Shredded Wheat

C. URKEL-O’s

Blumes note:  My cynical side was going to rip into this stuff, but helping Urkel find Laura really tugs at my heartstrings.

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13. I’m finishing up this quiz so I can go chow down on some…

A. Cookie Crisp

B. Honey Nut Cheerios

C. APPLE YO’s

Blumes note:  I just realized this stuff comes in a TWO POUND BAG.  That borders on child abuse.

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ANSWER KEY:

1-4: “C”

5:  “A”

6-13”: “C”
(I just can’t take Dynaman seriously.)

So, please share- how’d you score?  Bonus points if you actually tried the calculator trick.  Now go enjoy lunch.

 

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T.G.I.F. COURT

By Andrew Blumetti

It’s been said that even God rested one day.

Well, back in the early 1990’s, network channel ABC pretty much worked only one day, and that was Friday.

Sandwiched right between NBC’s “Must See TV” Thursdays, and Nickelodeon’s Saturday night party known as “SNICK”, was ABC’s Friday night family-oriented sitcom-o-rama known as “TGIF”.

Standing for “Thank Goodness it’s Funny”, it is a virtual hall of fame for any feel-good, canned-laughter 90’s show that ended on an incredibly schmultzy ending.  Fun to watch, and great for a laugh or three, TGIF was a must for any tween sportin’ new Reebok Pumps and neon slap bracelets.

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Catch-22 (kach-twen-te-too)  n: a problematic situation for which the only solution is denied by a circumstance inherent in the problem or by a rule.

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Shows based around families work on many levels.  They appeal to a spectrum of ages, they’re safe to watch so parents love ‘em, they usually include some heartfelt life lesson, and without fail, feature lots of adorable kids along for the ride.

Though that’s where the problem occurs.

The beauty and charm of animated classics, The Simpsons and South Park. is that the adorable characters don’t age, causing their golden years to last that much longer.

Unfortunately that stroke of fortune eludes the TGIF bunch.  Shows that lean so heavily on kids are chock full o’ cuteness, but cuteness also fades as once cherub-faced kiddies hit that butt-ugly brick wall of puberty, subsequently turning into gawky, awkward teenagers, killing the show’s original chemistry. Somehow, hearing Urkel’s trademark squeaky voice go sour and seeing Stephanie Tanner hanging out with the troublemakers in the girls’ room didn’t really go over so seamlessly as network execs hoped.

Now, not to say all the TGIF kids are to blame, but when they grew up, well the house got fuller and family seemed to matter a little less on Friday night television.

Well, when you want justice, you go to People’s Court or Judge Judy… but they were busy.  So it’s time to bring these sitcom juvies to justice…  it’s time for:
TGIF COURT:

DEFENDANT #1:  Cory Matthews (played by Ben Savage)

SHOW:  Boy Meets World

CHARGES:  Being a Savage brother who wasn’t Fred, numerous counts of acting like a teenage version of an crotchety old Jewish man stereotype, teen melodrama up the wazoo, continued fudging of the origins of relationship with main squeeze, Topanga

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  Life sentence of Brillo hair

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DEFENDANT #2:  Steven Q. Urkel (played by Jaleel White)

SHOW:  Family Matters

CHARGES:  Jumping every shark possible:  (going into space, turning into a MAD FREAKIN’ SCIENTIST, pretending to be Elvis Presley, giving the world the yuck… “Urkel Dance“, continued obsession with uppity Laura Winslow, and two unforgivable words:  Stefan Urquelle)

VERDICT:  GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY!!!

PUNISHMENT:  Having to look like Stefan Urquelle for the rest of his life.

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DEFENDANT #3:  Brendan Lambert (played by Josh Byrne)

SHOW:  Step By Step

CHARGES:  Forgettable doughy schlub

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  Being unceremoniously written off show.  Plus, he turned into this:

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DEFENDANT #4:  Stephanie Tanner (played by Jodie Sweetin)

SHOW: Full House

CHARGES:  Major case of sass mouth- How rude!

VERDICT:  GUILTY AS ALL HECK

PUNISHMENT:  Forever to be known as “The Full House girl with the meth addiction”.

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DEFENDANT #5:  Nicole Lee  (played by Raven Symone)

SHOW:  Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper

CHARGES:  Being on Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  Charges dropped, career still intact

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DEFENDANT # 6:  Baby Sinclair (voiced by Kevin Clash)

SHOW: Dinosaurs

CHARGES:  Assault with a frying pan… or something, I forget the show.

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  Jurassic Park taking over America’s dino love causing everyone to remember this show as a prehistoric ALF.  Clash spent years with his hand up Elmo’s fuzzy red butt, and that doesn’t even crack the top ten in reasons why he’s now an unemployed creep.

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DEFENDANT #7:  Judy Winslow (played by  Jamiee Foxworth)

SHOW:  Family Matters

CHARGE:  Disappearing from series while her family acted like she never existed (the writers corrected guessed no one would notice).  Her one token line per show wasn’t helping things either.

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  Ouch.  We have a nice heap of lemons not being made into lemonade for Jamiee.  Take your pick- years of substance abuse or becoming an adult film star known as “Crave”.

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DEFENDANT #8:  Kimmy Gibbler (Played by Andrea Barber)

SHOW:  Full House

CHARGES:  Boney, annoying neighbor. plus annoying actress happens to have the same initials as me.

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  While researching, this headline was found:  “ANDREA BARBER HOSTS DRAG QUEEN BINGO”.  That is punishment enough.

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DEFENDANT # 9:  Al Lamber (played by Christine Lakin)

SHOW: Step By Step

CHARGES:  TV didn’t need more tomboys

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  Community service working on movies with train-wrecks, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.

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DEFENDANT #10:  Eddie Winslow (played by Darius McCary)

SHOW:  Family Matters

CHARGES:  Notice the clothes in that picture?  That’s a mild example of Ed’s mustard-y early 90’s wardrobe.  Homeboy perpetually dressed like the Minnesota Vikings in a blender.

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  The way he died in Saw VI pretty much covers it.

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