Ladies and Gentlemen: The Worst Menu in America

By Andrew Blumetti

The taste buds of this great nation are as diverse as its many people.

The deep-fried South will give you finger-lickin’ barbecue that’s second to none, steamy Texas is where it’s at for a sizzling slab of seared steer, Maryland’s the place to go for mouth-watering soft-shell crab, head to New Mexico for delicious food with a peppery-Southwestern flair, and ciao! you can’t beat the Big Apple for the best steaming hot pizza around.

However, one thing that is a constant is in this bustling 21st Century world is not everyone has time to spend precious hours preparing a piping-hot homemade meal anymore.  Modern life is life on speed, it’s just too darned busy sometimes, and it’s only increased the amount of new restaurants and take-out that pop up on every single corner, every single day.  All too often, time (or lack thereof) calls for ease to take precedence.  Granted, it’s not the way your sweet, wrinkly granny would’ve done it, but then again, she didn’t spend all day on Instagram and watching DVD marathons of Girls .

Going hand-in-hand with this influx and popularity of restaurants are the amount of pre-folded take-out menus that are feverishly stuffed into your mailbox.  Sure, they come in handy, but let’s be honest– most of the time, they just collect dust till they eventually reach menu heaven.

(Now, cue sentimental background music…)

I come from a small suburban town in northern New Jersey located roughly 20 minutes outside New York City.  It’s not a flashy or busy place, it’s a square mile, consisting of 15,000 people, and essentially our one claim to fame is that a dumpy little hole-in-the-wall pizzeria called, “Pizzaland”, appeared for an instant on the opening credits for The Sopranos every week during the series’ run.

A small suburb is a double-edged sword– the security of living in a safe, small town also brings along a bit of boredom with it.  While not much exciting happens here, I can just thank the take-out gods that the most amusingly bad print-job for a take-out menu was done by an Italian/Mexican (a more truly organic combination has never existed) joint called “Michael’s”.

…and wouldn’t you know, Michael’s (now closed) was also located in my hometown.

Even luckier, I didn’t toss this piece of comedy gold out in the garbage when it was stuffed in my mailbox.  Here’s some photos I snapped.

Now go throw out your brain cells, it’s The Worst Menu in America:

(Sadly, none of these pictures have been altered in any way.)

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Well, maybe that opening was a bit harsh. They did work pretty hard there.  They even stayed open to the ungodly hour of 13 PM.

– Gordon Ramsay says, “PURE RUBBISH!!!”

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With this lack of enthusiasm, no wonder the place went under:

– Gordon Ramsay says, “UTTERLY UNINSPIRED.”

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Mmmmm, Snooki’s favorite, “Pasta with Italy”…

– Gordon Ramsay says, “$@&!ING STUPID!”

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For those of you who enjoy your soup a bit more unusual, you’re crap outta luck…

– Gordon Ramsay says, “PITIFUL.  SIMPLY PITIFUL.”

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Close your eyes and make a wish, a sandwish…

– Gordon Ramsay says, “I’VE CRAPPED OUT BETTER THINGS THAN THAT!”

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Raise your hand if this is making your mouth water as much as mine…

– Gordon Ramsay says, “C’MON!  $#@!ING HOGWASH!”

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Tussle that lovable scamp’s hair!

– Gordon Ramsay says, “I’M GONNA VOMIT, THEN PUT THAT ON THIS MENU! …AND IT WILL BE THE BEST THING ON THERE!”

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You haven’t lived till you’ve tasted beef tangue, broked pork, salled beer, and Mexicans!

– Gordon Ramsay says, “BLOODY CRAP!”

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Usually you “buy one and get one free”, but Michael’s catered to a more aggressive crowd…

– Gordon Ramsay says, “YOU’VE GOT TO BE $@#!ING KIDDING ME.”

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It’s a little known fact that Forrest Gump used all evil shrimp in his Bubba Gump dishes…

– Gordon Ramsay says, “WHY AM I ON THIS STUPID BLOG ANYWAY?!?”