Ladies and Gentlemen: The Worst Menu in America

By Andrew Blumetti

The taste buds of this great nation are as diverse as its many people.

The deep-fried South will give you finger-lickin’ barbecue that’s second to none, steamy Texas is where it’s at for a sizzling slab of seared steer, Maryland’s the place to go for mouth-watering soft-shell crab, head to New Mexico for delicious food with a peppery-Southwestern flair, and ciao! you can’t beat the Big Apple for the best steaming hot pizza around.

However, one thing that is a constant is in this bustling 21st Century world is not everyone has time to spend precious hours preparing a piping-hot homemade meal anymore.  Modern life is life on speed, it’s just too darned busy sometimes, and it’s only increased the amount of new restaurants and take-out that pop up on every single corner, every single day.  All too often, time (or lack thereof) calls for ease to take precedence.  Granted, it’s not the way your sweet, wrinkly granny would’ve done it, but then again, she didn’t spend all day on Instagram and watching DVD marathons of Girls .

Going hand-in-hand with this influx and popularity of restaurants are the amount of pre-folded take-out menus that are feverishly stuffed into your mailbox.  Sure, they come in handy, but let’s be honest– most of the time, they just collect dust till they eventually reach menu heaven.

(Now, cue sentimental background music…)

I come from a small suburban town in northern New Jersey located roughly 20 minutes outside New York City.  It’s not a flashy or busy place, it’s a square mile, consisting of 15,000 people, and essentially our one claim to fame is that a dumpy little hole-in-the-wall pizzeria called, “Pizzaland”, appeared for an instant on the opening credits for The Sopranos every week during the series’ run.

A small suburb is a double-edged sword– the security of living in a safe, small town also brings along a bit of boredom with it.  While not much exciting happens here, I can just thank the take-out gods that the most amusingly bad print-job for a take-out menu was done by an Italian/Mexican (a more truly organic combination has never existed) joint called “Michael’s”.

…and wouldn’t you know, Michael’s (now closed) was also located in my hometown.

Even luckier, I didn’t toss this piece of comedy gold out in the garbage when it was stuffed in my mailbox.  Here’s some photos I snapped.

Now go throw out your brain cells, it’s The Worst Menu in America:

(Sadly, none of these pictures have been altered in any way.)

————————————————-

Well, maybe that opening was a bit harsh. They did work pretty hard there.  They even stayed open to the ungodly hour of 13 PM.

– Gordon Ramsay says, “PURE RUBBISH!!!”

———————————————————————-

With this lack of enthusiasm, no wonder the place went under:

Gordon Ramsay says, “UTTERLY UNINSPIRED.”

——————————————

Mmmmm, Snooki’s favorite, “Pasta with Italy”…

Gordon Ramsay says, “$@&!ING STUPID!”

———————————————

For those of you who enjoy your soup a bit more unusual, you’re crap outta luck…

– Gordon Ramsay says, “PITIFUL.  SIMPLY PITIFUL.”

—————————————

Close your eyes and make a wish, a sandwish…

Gordon Ramsay says, “I’VE CRAPPED OUT BETTER THINGS THAN THAT!”

————————————————————-

Raise your hand if this is making your mouth water as much as mine…

– Gordon Ramsay says, “C’MON!  $#@!ING HOGWASH!”

——————————————————-

Tussle that lovable scamp’s hair!

– Gordon Ramsay says, “I’M GONNA VOMIT, THEN PUT THAT ON THIS MENU! …AND IT WILL BE THE BEST THING ON THERE!”

—————————————————-

You haven’t lived till you’ve tasted beef tangue, broked pork, salled beer, and Mexicans!

– Gordon Ramsay says, “BLOODY CRAP!”

——————————————————

Usually you “buy one and get one free”, but Michael’s catered to a more aggressive crowd…

Gordon Ramsay says, “YOU’VE GOT TO BE $@#!ING KIDDING ME.”

————————————————

It’s a little known fact that Forrest Gump used all evil shrimp in his Bubba Gump dishes…

– Gordon Ramsay says, “WHY AM I ON THIS STUPID BLOG ANYWAY?!?”

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40 Comments

Filed under Comedy, Entertainment, Food, Humor

40 responses to “Ladies and Gentlemen: The Worst Menu in America

  1. LOL! Thanks for the laugh. The taco portion is too funny.

  2. Hilarious! My husband is from Monmouth county, he’s one of those crazed union guys you read about, a virtual pariah down here in Arkansas where any and everything union is satan’s spawn.

  3. WordsFallFromMyEyes

    Thanks for the laughs 🙂 🙂 !

    I want to try some shrimp evil.

  4. This is hilarious! Haha

  5. strawberryquicksand

    Oh what a crack up! I’m already reblogging you! I have one question that you didn’t cover… what to they pick up? They take away but what do they pick up? Hmmmmmmm

    • Thanks very much for the comment! Glad you enjoyed!

      That’s an excellent question! I wish I had ordered from there in the time they were still functioning, but I was never up at 13pm. I don’t know what they picked up, but I’d wager a shiny penny a lot of people picked up food poisoning from them, haha.

  6. strawberryquicksand

    Reblogged this on Strawberryquicksand and commented:
    I am SO lucky that this awesome blogger decided that He liked MY blog!!! Now I have an hilarious new blog to follow… and if you had any sense, you would follow him too.

    • I just started blogging here a few weeks ago, and have found the WordPress community to be some of the nicest and most welcoming people. You and your thoughtful words are a great example of that kindness.

      Thank you very much for the support and the reblog! Very happy you enjoyed!

      -Andrew

      • strawberryquicksand

        Oh great! So have you had a blog elsewhere before? How many posts have you made on this WordPress blog?

      • I have written for a sports site, and did a little blogging a couple years back, but this one I’m trying to put more attention into. I’d say I’m close to a dozen articles in on here, give or take.

        It’s been a lot of fun so far, and thanks to follow bloggers like yourself, a great experience!

  7. Hi Andrew, thanks for the follow. As I am from England, we also often have funny additions to menus, normally in Indian and Chinese restaurants, but your offering is excellent, for its consistent stupidity.
    And, as a huge Sopranos fan, I can picture the small pizza place appearing on the credits, as I type. As for Gordon Ramsay, I doubt he is as popular in the UK as his celebrity status might imply. His restaurants in London are some of the most expensive in the country. Good luck with a nicely ‘different’ blog, and regards from England. Pete.

    • Hi Pete-

      Thanks very much for your comment and kind words. They’re greatly appreciated!

      That’s actually pretty cool to hear that Pizzaland is remembered all the way in England! The place is very old, insanely small, lacks parking, and greatly in need of an update, but the pizza is actually pretty good. Actually, they put up a big memorial sign in their window when James Gandolfini passed away, which was a pretty classy move.

      And thanks for the Gordon Ramsay info! We would have no idea here!

      Thanks again for your support!

      -Andrew

  8. This is an editing nightmare all the way around; I want to shake the owners harshly until their brains rattle, until 13pm arrives. “We deliver fast and pick-up” doesn’t even make any sense. What are they picking up? More broked pork? I also like how the artist drew a car remarkably similar to my former 1982 Mazda 626. Way to be topical and current while eating Mexicans and Salled Beer.

    • Absolutely! The fact that this was written up, and then a printing company actually went ahead with it borders on criminal.

      …but between you and me, when I used to get a hankering for some pasta with Italy at 13pm, that place sure scratched my itch.

      -Andrew

  9. Great way to start my morning. Well, I’ve been up a few hours, but great way to continue my morning. And thanks for following my blog. I’m sharing a link to your post with my friends.
    I live inland – hundreds of miles from the ocean. A new restaurant opened behind a big knoll. We could only see their sign from the street. It said ‘The Saltwater Cafe.’ Besides a lack of saltwater in the vicinity, what kind of food would you guess they served? Why, Pizza, of course! The place folded after three weeks.

    • Thanks very much for the comment and for sharing the link- I appreciate it!

      Oh man, so no saltwater taffy AND a closed pizza place! Two heartbreaks in one felt swoop!

      Thanks again, glad you enjoyed!

      -Andrew

  10. So funny! I am a fan of Lynn Truss (‘Eats, Shoots and Leaves’) who writes hilariously about punctuation and grammar. Right now? I’m getting giggles from auto correct fails. Now your blog, too! Thanks.

    • Thanks Laura!

      It means a lot that you enjoyed my blog so much, and I’m very happy you got a kick out of it. It absolutely was a pleasure to visit yours, and I’m very happy I did! Can’t wait to see your future posts!

      All the best!
      -Andrew

  11. It took photos of a menu in Prague recently. I should find it. They had stuff like this including, Bleeding Chicken. Yum!!
    Hilarious post~

    • Thanks Cindy! I appreciate it! Glad you enjoyed.

      Please share those pictures if you can get your hands on them! Bleeding chicken must’ve been their biggest seller, haha.

      Thanks for the comment and the support!

      -Andrew

  12. Shrimp Evil! I want some!! Why are bad things — like evil and sin — always so much better than the things that are good for you? You know it’s gotta be delicious!

    • I totally agree! I wish I had tried the shrimp evil! I can only assume they had put little devil horns and a mini pitchfork sticking out of it. That sounds adorable. Probably incredibly unsanitary, but adorable nonetheless.

      Thanks for the comment!
      -Andrew

  13. Looks like the copy editor fell asleep at the wheel. Shrimp evil – bring it on I have some deviled eggs just aching for some action. 🙂 Funny stuff, Andrew.

  14. Damn, I was just about to go to bed but instead decided to check out the blog that had ‘liked’ me – shrimp evil is going to keep me awake giggling for hours! Linda. Oh, and damn you 😉

  15. OMG! So funny! Thanks for stopping by my blog, Bmore Energy. I had to check your out and I’ll be back (in a Terminator voice!)

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