When your last name could pass for an extra on The Sopranos, this day really tears you up.
Surely, I’ll be the first to admit- green bagels can’t be beat, my Flogging Molly vinyl is spinning like Rob Ford after a weekend blowout, and I’ve already tripled my daily salt intake with corned beef, but let’s call a spade a spade- with a last name that rhymes with spaghetti, “Irish” I could say I’m authentic, but I’m just an ‘o-poster today.
So, instead of hearing jolly tidings of St. Patrick’s joy from me, I’m gonna pass the baton to a man who really knows his way around a pint of Guinness. Let’s get goofy green with Mr. Ireland himself… Shaquille O’ Neal.
If you wear a Shaq “Big Shamrock” t-shirt in a bar on March 17, they actually charge you MORE for your beer.
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To be sure Nick Nolte doesn’t fall off the wagon into a frosty barrel of green beer, O’ Neal will be spending the weekend with him. Hours will be spent smacking Nolte with Shaq’s elephant-paw when he gets out of line.
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In 1996, Shaq took his movie career even further, playing a magic Irish genie in a bottle. He’ll grant ye three wishes, but unfortunately, “wishing I hadn’t sat down to watch Kazaam” isn’t one of them.
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Before his time playing American basketball, Mr. O’ Neal spent many a year creating beloved tunes of Beautiful Days and Bloody Sundays with his Irish rock brethren, U2.
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Here’s Shaq’s time spent with his leprechaun girlfriend.
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Fun Fact: If you were to fill Shaq’s massive size-23 shoe with Lucky Charms, it’d require a whole cow and a half to provide the milk.
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Say it with me… Shamrock Shaq.
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Q: What happens when Shaq scores a lot of baskets?
A: The score will be DUBLIN!!!
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You hear that new Cranberries album? PFFFFTTTTT
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With no basketball to dribble around, no dunks to dunk and no free throws to miss, it’s time to hit the silver screen again. Pop your corn and get in line now, Leprechaun 7- coming soon.
Pretty soon…
Never.
So Danny Boy Shaquille- a most happy and merry St. Patty’s to you my Celtic friend. And to all the readers out there in internet land- Irish and non-Irish alike, may your bagpipes be filled with hot air, may all your Murphys be dropkicked, and may your meats be boiled to a fine bland gray.
Talk about getting the most bang for your buck. They really do pack a lot into a little month, don’t they?
In a mere twenty eight days, we’re graced with a bountiful bevy of winter celebration– Valentine’s Day, Groundhog Day, President’s Day, Mardi Gras, Black History Month, Spring Training, and the most important of ‘em all (after Spring Training of course), there’s the great American holiday of Super Bowl Sunday, the biggest party since New Year’s Eve, only one month ago.
While granted, February’s short run is not as eventful as the unseen four weeks during 28 Days Later, but it makes me happy to celebrate my birthday during what would normally end up being a freezing, snowy, boring month with a girly-colored wuss birthstone.
Are you kidding me?
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Living in the greater New York area, especially within earshot of Giants Stadium (or MetLife Snoopy Stadium, or whatever it’s called now), the excitement, traffic, and overall buzz has been ramped up to a Spinal Tap-worthy 11 as the Denver Broncos go mono-a-mono with the Seattle Seahawks for all the gusto and glamor of gridiron glory. It’s truly rocky vs. rainy in the Legal Marijuana Bowl.
Blumes note: This offer still stands! Now half price!
But frankly, it’s Friday, January 31st, this is all old hat by now.
At this point, you’ve been endlessly bombarded with Super Bowl ads, magazine covers, news reports, cocky fans, and nonstop party planning for weeks now. When Monday morning comes, and you’re more chili than man, you’ll undoubtedly know the Super Bowl had come and left its mark.
But that’s not who this article is for.
Maybe you’re not a fan of hawks or horses, perhaps Richard Sherman’s post-game interview rubbed you the wrong way, or heck, or maybe you’re one of those people seriously considering a 7th Heaven marathon instead of football this weekend.
Ladies and Gentlemen: Your special teams for the Oakland Raiders!
Of course that doesn’t mean you won’t find yourself enjoying the festivities of Super Bowl Sunday. Dr. Oz-unfriendly food, offensively expensive commercials (that always feature a baby doing something un-babyish), the sickeningly adorable Puppy Bowl, and trying to get your greased-up fingers to press the remote buttons to change the channel as Bruno Mars performs at halftime- this Sunday is a bombastic event that will please folks of all tastes. …as evident by this walk down memory lane of some truly classic and heavily unorthodox Super Bowl games of yore.
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1. SUPER BOWL XXXII: BATMAN VS. STORMTROOPERS
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na SAFETY!
As John Madden once called it in a most clever anagram, “Capes vs. Space”, this battle royale pitted The Dark Knight vs. the Imperial Army for 60 minutes of a nerdtastic pigskin extravaganza. After a first quarter that was heavy on the Big D, Commissioner Gordon’s 45 yard rush into the endzone to close out the first half put Team Gotham up on top.
No guts, no glory, as the ‘Troopers marched their way back in the 4th quarter.
The second half was a superhero explosion of history-making offense as holy touchdowns Batman!— the Caped Crusader aired it out to the Boy Wonder (who took a time out from cheerleading) in the Gotham endzone.
But, when the going gets tough, the tough get going, as the Stormtroopers, with their armored backs against the wall, bounced back to tie the game as the 2-minute warning approached. Coach Vader flipped a crap when an ill-timed interception by Alfred the Butler spelled death for the Star Wars crew with the Bats taking home the trophy to Gotham City with a score of 28-21.
Go Team! Arwwwwwaaaaaaaarrrrrrahahahahahhaahhhhaa!!!!
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2. SUPER BOWL XI: KISS BOWL (AKA THE TOILET BOWL)
“I wanna hike the ball all night!”
And you thought the Jaguars were bad…
Nothing screams out “gridiron glory” like mime makeup and gaudy platform shoes on men, but that’s why the KISS bowl was so unique.
Walking embarrassment Gene Simmons bit his long cow tongue as he slipped on his own fake blood on no less than three occasions, turning the usually triumphant game into a fumble-filled lowlight reel. Pain in the ace, Mr. Frehley, shanked four field goal attempts, and starchild, Paul Stanley? Well, he might as well have been the MVP… for the other team.
Chest hair and touchdowns! Not just for Joe Namath anymore!
As far as scoring went, it was Detroit Block City. The spandexed makeuped-ones never did touch the endzone, as KISS went down in defeat to good taste 49-0.
The best worst part was that they weren’t even asked to play the halftime show. That honor went to The Doobie Brothers.
The great part about being KISS, is you can sell any crap you want at the souvenir stands…
The epilogue to this heavy metal tale of the 100 yards: KISS never did get back to the Super Bowl, but on the plus side, KISS never did get back to the Super Bowl.
That jersey has the actual number of KISS fans left on Earth.
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3. SUPER BOWL XLV: ZOMBIE BOWL
Let’s have a hand for the hometeam!
It may have been only three years ago, but who could forget when the undead took down scalpers stadium-wide and invaded the turf during the timeless showdown of the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers?
Turning Aaron Rodgers into an Aaron Rodgers kabob? Transforming Clay Matthews into an undead Thor? Sending “Big Ben” Roethlisberger to the sideline to finally get some brains?
It all happened. I guess.
Indigestion from overindulging in extra hot Buffalo wings rendered Daryl and Michonne practically useless that Sunday.
While the gameplay may have been painfully lumbering and a bit lethargic at times, it was no worse than any given Cleveland Browns game on a random Sunday.
The “Running Dead” tried to bite Tim Tebow on the sidelines, but he was immune to it.
But if Broadway has taught us anything, (and I guess it has…) — the show must go on, flesh eaters or not.
Time will tell us that the zombies vs. zombies Super Bowl was a tad gory, maybe too confusing at times, and it may have taken five days to finish, but in the end, it was much less traumatizing than the Black Eyed Peas halftime show.
4th Down of the Dead!
One would be safe to assume the zombie apocalypse and certain doomsday would put a damper on the game’s festivities, with all the undead cannibalism and spilled guts, but the TV ratings reached an all-time high. The NFC z-team ended up hoisting the Vince Lombardi Trophy, rotting limbs and all, bringing it back to frigid Green Bay where decaying slows down like Kirstie Alley’s metabolism.
THE ZOMBIES HAVE BECOME HIDEOUS!
The trophy had to be immediately sent out to be cleaned and shined due to the high volume of blood on it …on a weekly basis.
(On a positive note, in the zombie onslaught, Steelers safety Troy Polamalu was attacked, but escaped by a “hair”.)
Parking was tighter than George Costanza’s wallet…
…but the tailgating was awesome!
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4. SUPER BOWL XLII: THE RETURN OF BUD BOWL
Eli vs. Tom- buds for life!
For those too young to remember, the Bud Bowl was an early 90’s stop-motion beer bottle football tour de force that found its home during commercial breaks, squeezed in between multi-million dollar ads for Crystal Pepsi and The Bodyguard soundtrack. It was a kick-glass all-out brawl between Budweiser and Bud Light. Even as a long retired campaign, for me, that fateful Sunday in 2008 always be the year that the suds saved football.
Hut, hut… HOPS!!!
Phoenix, AZ– When a thunderous monsoon that would’ve knocked over human brick wall, Howie Long, hit, it kept planes grounded and prevented both the Pats and G-Men from making their way into warm, sunny Arizona, the NFL pooped their britches, panicked and pooped them some more.
“But I wanna go on the PLAAAANNEE!!”
Sadly, cancelling the big game seemed like the only choice left, seeing as how there was no way to get the unfortunate stranded teams into the balmy city in time. Luckily, the answer was only a bar away…
Long dead since 1997, a time when candy-lovin’ alternarock trio Marcy Playground was brimming with untapped potential, the beer bottles were called off the bench as Bud Bowl sat in as the substitute teacher for the real teams. It was truly like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but for drunks.
“My nose is red cause I’m half in the bag!”
The bottles tossed on the teams’ uniforms, and no one in the massive Arizona crowd was the wiser. Nearly sixty minutes of play time and we all know what happened next- Ale-I Manning to Beer David Tyree (what a good pick in the draft), the miraculous helmet catch, and a near-perfect season for New England ended in an 18-1 conclusion, as the bottled Big Blue were swimming in confetti in the Big Apple soon after.
No feelings were bottled-up in this game…
Understandably, in Massachusetts, spirits were wicked low, and where did they go? To a bar of course. NORM!
“Sammy, I’ve told you for years that beer saves all.”
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5. SUPER BOWL XLIV: GAME MVP- ABE LINCOLN
Four Scores! … and seven years ago.
For a few brief hours, the “L” in NFL stood for Lincoln.
We all know Abraham Lincoln was a president, emancipator, and a vampire hunter, but do you remember Abe’s big-time appearance in the Super Bowl?
The bearded one was called in to play when Peyton Manning had to leave the game early to film an impromptu Kraft Macaroni and Cheese commercial. He ran out, flying past the cheerleaders, zooming by the mascots, with the glisten of anger in his eyes, sweat on his brow, and a chin beard so mighty, the heavens above stopped to gaze in majestic awe.
The stovetop hat was thrown down, the shoulder pads were thrust on, and that pigskin flew like you wouldn’t believe. It was going perfect, until… clumsy ox Drew Brees went down with a pulled hamstring on the slippery turf. And being the helpful chap he is, ‘ol Honest Abe took the reigns and stood in for him as well, changing uniforms as the Colts defensive squad ran out.
He abolished the slaves, and demolished the Colts…
As the clock struck zero, the Big Easy soon was celebrating with the sounds of jazz and firey-cajun food up the wazoo as Abe Lincoln received an early birthday gift- a declaration as Super Bowl MVP.
It was rumored plentiful posterior-ed socialite Kim Kardashian emancipated her relationship with then-Saints running back, Reggie Bush, that night to lock lips with the sixteenth prez.
And how did A-Linc become so good at football?
Just how you get to Carnegie Hall… Practice.
Note: Sadly, Lincoln’s pro-career was cut short the following pre-season when Ravens linebacker John Wilkes Booth broke Lincoln’s legs.
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Enjoy your Super Bowl weekend! As usual, please Fed-Ex any uneaten chicken wings to me.
With less than seven days until the biggest of big games approaches, are you still scraping for last-minute plans like Urkel on prom night? Or maybe you’re a diehard who bleeds Bronco blue and orange? Or you drink so much Starbucks, your jittery veins just scream out to support Seattle? Perhaps the marquee clash of Peyton Manning vs. Russell Wilson means 100% diddly squat to you, and you’re just are looking to punish your belt by eating your weight in Buffalo wings? OR… just maybe you’re looking to spend Super Bowl week 2014 at the epicenter of the pigskinned party action?
Well, no matter what your interest, wonder no longer friends. Pack your wooliest mittens and your 90’s Starter jackets, you’re coming to Jersey!
cushion-y!
Unless you’re living under a rock (which granted, may be a very nice rock), for the first time in the nearly fifty years of the big game, we are about to experience Super Bowl XLVIII, the first such game played in a cold weather location, in an open stadium.
That stadium is called MetLife Stadium.
That stadium, MetLife Stadium, is located in East Rutherford, NJ.
That stadium, MetLife Stadium, located in East Rutherford, NJ, just so happens to be less than ten minutes from my house.
Don’t let the gigantic Pepsi tent fool you, that’s the greatest 1.5 billion dollar spaceship-y looking stadium money can buy!
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Which means…
A. The entire surrounding area has been plastered with these banners for the past month. Literally, everywhere. I think there’s one on my back.
B. Traffic is more trafficy, even by this area’s high traffic standards. Also, traffic.
and…
C. Everyone and their grandmother is making a sweet, sweet buck off this game. From parties, endless merchandise, themed events, and even renting out spare rooms to out-of-state visitors.
So, of course, when in Rome…
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Attention football lovers, haters, and the indifferent! I happily present to you, an offer, make that the offer of a lifetime! (Well, technically, I guess that’s kinda true) It’s time for…
BLUMES’S SUPER BOWL WEEK EXTRA-EXTRAVAGANZA!
Yes, you’ve Q-Tipped your ears thoroughly and heard that last statement correctly. Leave your most-likely warmer climate, trek on over to the East Coast, kick back and stay for a spell in the Garden State, and you can spend this upcoming week with me in high style!
Included in this relatively glorious package is:
A one-of-a-kind tour of the local area, including, but not limited to: the icy parking lot of MetLife Stadium, the numerous ceiling-high supermarket towers of Pepsi cases, and insider hotspots, guided by yours truly. Included will be such insightful and highly riveting commentary as:
– “Hey, that’s the cemetery where Joey Ramone is buried!”
– “Oh look, that’s the supermarket parking lot where my car battery died last month!”
– “See that place? Their pizza is sooooooo good! Well, only if you go on Wednesday nights.”
– “Can you wait in the car for a second? I gotta go to the ATM.”
– “That Chinese place used to be a Sam Goody! That’s where I bought Significant Other by Limp Bizkit!”
Hey! Leave me out of this!
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Use of my brand new super-soft The Walking Dead throw blanket:
Practice your best “CARL!!!!” impression while snuggled under this bad boy.
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The remainder of however many of these Reese’s Pieces are left that I bought the other night: (Note: it will probably be none)
They’re not just for E.T. anymore!
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I will cook you any meal of your choosing from this book:
Advice: I’m in the mood for burgers, pick them!
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Did someone say LOST marathon?!?
“We have to go back!”
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Don’t ask me how, but I managed to get my hands on the best songs of R.E.M.! And I don’t even know anyone! Talk about a score! Prepare to be Michael Stipe-d out…
Together, we will find out what the frequency is.
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Massive! Snowball! Fight!
If you aim correctly, you can hit Snooki in the head!
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So, let’s get down to business…
How much would you pay for this truly unique, and only mildly crappy experience in the chilly Tri-State tundra for this history-making Super Bowl? $2,000??$3,000??Did you say$4,000?!?
Well, if you’re willing to pay that much, how’s $5,000 sound? I could really use the cash.
I gladly accept cash, check, money orders, or bags of loose change if need be. Don’t let this opportunity pass you by. Together, we can put the super in Super Bowl! Or the owl… either way.
See you then!
“What a deal! …a bad deal!”
(…and act fast! I just ate four more of those Reese’s Pieces.)
The guys in Aerosmith who aren’t Steven Tyler or Joe Perry…
Sometimes you’re just that guy.
There’s a street, and while the name screams out a magical land of bagel toppings, it’s actually a place where jovial fur-covered monsters teach us our ABC’s, our 123’s, and the importance of sharing a bathtub with just that special rubber ducky.
♪ Can you tell me how to get… how to get to Sesame Street? ♪
Practice, practice, practice, and stick your hand up a puppet’s keister.
Too bad there’s only so many colors in the rainbow, because if you reside at 123 in the brownstone-laden land of Sesame Street, and you’re the blue monster who’s not Cookie Monster, then you’re that guy. And your name is Grover.
“What does ‘nom-nom’ even mean?!?”
I Got the Sesame Street Blues
While loveable and time-tested, being the second most popular blue Muppet means naturally, you’re gonna lash out to be noticed. So, when everyone and their grandmother is waxing poetic over that gravel-voiced, pre-diabetic Oreo-muncher, you spill some soup, toss out contractions completely from your vocabulary, pop on a cape, and hurl yourself out the window, cause you’re the redheaded blueheaded stepchild, and you’re getting some attention, come cookies or high water.
Enter, SUPER GROVER
He’s loveable, he means well, and he crashes more often than the Obamacare website. Heck, he even took time out of his busy schedule to protect our Thanksgiving from evil tryptophan and blowout Detroit Lions games.
Soaring like an eagle, Super Grover protects the skies of Gotham… on Turkey Day.
And if by this point something just looks slightly familiar about Super Grover, replenish those lost electrolytes and take a gander at this, gander-takers…
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There’s a storm a-brewin’ and the forecast calls for a 100% chance of lightning bolts. They’re flashing all over Sesame Street and they’re leaving huge smoking craters all over the football field. This is a chicken-and-egg situation so gigantic, it’s like Big Bird squated his feathery-yellow self down and popped out a massive omelette right in front of us.
“Snuffy, breakfast is on me today!”
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Be Like Mike
Simple answer to this origin… history lesson! But unfortunately, this thirst-quenching quest isn’t really that cut and dry…
Gatorade, America’s most popular sports drink, founded on the campus of The University of Florida in 1965, and currently owned by PepsiCo., has incorporated the lightning bolt into it’s advertising since 1970. Despite that, with a number of logo redesigns, it wasn’t until 2009 that the current “G-Series” logo was introduced with the bolt included.
Super Grover, the alter-ego of the Sesame Street character was introduced in the 1970’s, and used the “G” logo similar to the Gatorade font for decades, but it wasn’t until a 2010 re-branding that a lightning bolt was added to his costume.
So, while Gatorade was the first to use the lightning bolt, at the same time, Sesame Street can lay claim to the “G”. All of this nonsensical circular research is really enough to make you feel winded and sweaty.
“After all of this flying, I am going to need many sips of Riptide Rush to feel quenched!”
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Lemon Lime or Lemon LIES?!?
So, if no one can officially produce concrete proof of placing their flag into the soil, it sunk in… maybe this is some kind of clever tie-in? Maybe coincidences are for squares… Cahoots! Cahoots I say!
After contacting both parties involved, here’s what I received back:
OFFICIAL STANCE FROM GATORADE/PEPSI CO.:
Andrew:
Thanks for writing to us. While I can’t comment on other consumer feedback, I can tell you that there is no official tie in between Gatorade and Super Grover.
I hope this helps.
Jenny Gatorade Consumer Relations A Division of PepsiCo
(sent on January 5, 2014)
OFFICIAL STANCE FROM SESAME STREET/THE JIM HENSON COMPANY:
No reply. (as of January 10, 2014)
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Well, crap.
“All of this reading and things are still fishy!”
So, all that work, and where does that bring us?
Gatorade can weave a clever yarn, but it’s impossible to overlook these little coincidences…
As recently as 2011, Sesame Place ran an on-can promotion with Pepsi, Gatorade’s parent company…
Well, I guess there has to be some kind of reward for suffering through a can of Diet Pepsi…
Sesame Street characters, Elmo and Abby Cadabby appeared in a segment with Los Angeles Laker, Kobe Bryant, who has appeared in Gatorade commercials as recently as last year…
“Elmo help fix Kobe’s broken knee!”
Last year, Diet Pepsi used actress Sofia Vergara in a campaign. Sofia Vergara is essentially evolving into a giant, jiggly, impossible-to-understand, cartoonish Colombian Muppet as each day passes.
“I love PEEEEEPSI, and being on SEEEEEESSSSAME STEEEEEET.”
With Sesame’s tight-lipped stance, perhaps we’ll never know if this sports beverage and this puppet superhero are in bed together. Despite what Gatorade’s official statement is, like it or lump it, kids plopped in front of the tellie will know that lightning bolt, and when they cramp up on the soccer field this spring, we all know what beverage they’ll be handed first. To quote Ned Flanders, while this remains foggy, I’ll remain a bit of a “Suspocious Aloysius”.
In a year’s time, when we’re treated to “Grover Grape” flavor Gatorade, we’ll all know where that marriage began.
Looks like Oscar’s flavor is still not confirmed yet.
Change your fancy drawers, because sitting in today as a guest writer for this Blumes blog thing is me, heavyweight champion of the galaxy and greatest person ever to walk the planet, “Iron Mike” Tyson.
I’m lucky enough to bless you regular folks with my earthy movie knowledge and Ivy-League wisdom. Actually, you’re lucky enough to have me do this, cause if there’s one guy who knows what he’s talking about, it’s one with a giant tribal tattoo on his face. Today, I will beat your eyes up with infinite pleasure and send your brains to the E.R. as I will give you my sparkling review of Thor: The Dark World.
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To properly convey my feelings about said film, let’s first define the movie’s title.
Let me use it in a sentence: “After I banged my fist on the Pizza Hut delivery boy’s jaw, it was thor.”
“Hey Hammer, U Can’t Touch me!”– Mike Tyson
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Now, there is a big freakin’ hammer in this new Thor movie, but at no point does he ever hit his finger with it and it’s never thor, so I don’t know why they named the movie that. I felt my blood begin to boil and I was ready to punch the director’s head off for confusing my delicate and delicious brain.
Ya know, I think I saw this blonde man before in The Avengers movie last year. Supposedly someone named Iron Man was in that movie. Now, they call me “Iron Mike”, but I don’t know why they didn’t offer me the job for that movie instead. And look at all that metal in my mouth- Mike’s the real Iron Man!
“This tattoo is happy to be on my face!”
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A few years ago, this Thor guy said his character was gonna “fight like me“.
Now, I don’t know if this Fabio-lookin’ chump knows how things work with Iron Mike, but when you throw down a challenge like that, I accept. He may not have been thor in the movie, but after he meets me, he’ll be thor in real life.
Here’s a picture I drew of me biting off his ear:
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When I was watching Thor, I got up in the middle of the movie to get some popcorn and Milk Duds– they’re Mike’s favorite sweet treat to tell my thtomach to shut up. When hunger strikes, I beat the everlovin’ crap out of it and its mother, ya know?
Unfortunately, Mike got lost in the lobby and walked back into that silly Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs movie instead. I sat there for a half @#!$ing hour until I realized it was the wrong theater. I just thought it was raining Italian food on that blonde guy, and I started punching the screen, and yelled, “Hey screen! I’ll rip your heart out, dance on it and bathe in your screen blood, then put it back in and rip it out again!”
So, I ended up mithing the last half of Thor and that made me wanna find that usher and feed his no-good spleen to his children and make them pay me for the privilege of doing it.
Oh yeah! There was also this loud baby who was crying the whole time during the Meatball movie, and I just couldn’t take it. He finally shut his ‘lil pie hole once I punched him right in his baby face. Now his face has a tattoo of Mike’s fist! No baby can go ten roundths with Iron Mike!
IRON MIKE: 1, BABY: 0
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So, in conclusion, since I didn’t see the whole movie, it’d be really methed-up to give you a score.
…but I will anyway.
Action score:It was action-packed, and full of more hammers than my trip to Home Depot. I give it FOURearless Evander Holyfields:
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Drama score: Drama’s sthupid. I didn’t pay to see the Thisterhood of that Pants movie. I’m hungry, I’m gonna go punch me some lunch.
(waiting…)
(waiting…)
Wait, what? I gotta give a score? No.
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Overall score: Trust me, if Iron Mike says a movie is good, my word’s as good as gold, and you’d better go see it or I’ll knock on your door and meth you up. I don’t see a lot of movies, and I didn’t even see this whole one, but I will say, Thor is the best movie since Thnakes on a Plane. On a scale of one to ten, I give it an A+.
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Don’t let me find out you didn’t see it, or I’ll make you thor.
Thank you to Blumes for letting me beat him up so I could write this.
… What happens when your favorite film ghouls break the bank at Party City?
… How many fun-size Snickers bars can Ghostface fit into his mouth at one time?
… Just HOW many costumes did Jason actually buy this year?
The answers to those questions …AND MORE*will be answered right now in the thrilling* conclusion of what happens when treats and tricks meet your favorite flicks.
* (Probably not too likely…)
* (Again, fat chance that’s true…)
If you missed out on the moderate chuckles, part one and part two can be viewed here.
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ALIEN QUEEN (Alien) as MILEY CYRUS
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THE INFECTED (28 Days Later) as CRAYOLA CRAYONS
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GHOSTFACE (Scream) as SURPRISED TAYLOR SWIFT WINNING AN AWARD
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THE GOVERNOR (The Walking Dead) as A CANDY CRUSH SAGA BOARD
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TARMAN ZOMBIE (The Return of the Living Dead) as KURT COBAIN
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KAYAKO SAEKI (The Grudge) as A DALLAS COWBOYS CHEERLEADER
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DRACULA (Bram Stoker’s Dracula) as PIZZA
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EVIL ED (Fright Night) as AL FROM HOME IMPROVEMENT
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OOGIE BOOGIE (The Nightmare Before Christmas) as WOODY FROM TOY STORY
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FREDDY KRUEGER (A Nightmare on Elm Street)and JASON VOORHEES (Friday the 13th) as WAYNE AND GARTH
Amen brotha Billy… in fact you don’t even know the half of it.
Vigo the Carpathian, main antagonist in 1989’s summer-comedy spooktacular sequel, Ghostbusters II, was a 17th Century Moldavian genocidal tyrant, so horridly sadistic and blood-curdlingly malevolent, he earned a shopping list of not-so jolly nicknames, including but not limited to: “Vigo the Cruel”, “Vigo the Torturer”, Vigo the Despised” and “Vigo the Butch Unholy”.
That concentrated evil is all just Hollywood magic of course. When director Ivan Reitman yelled “Cut!”, the loathsome, murderous former-painting Vigo took off his mustard-y armor plated threads and was nothing more than an ordinary 20th Century human– German-born actor, Wilhelm von Homburg.
Wilhelm von Homburg?
True, a name that certainly doesn’t organically ring that familiar bell the way Tom Hanks or Brad Pitt does upon first listen. While FabioTony Little-lookalike, Vigo, was a celebrated villain to millions of movie fans, poor ‘ol Wilhelm was far from the definition of household of names, especially here in the United States.
Don’t mistake that last statement for a boring life though. On the contrary in fact. In spite of his unfamiliar foreign moniker and assumed one claim-to-fame, blondielocks lived quite an enthralling life to say the least.
So, kick back, unplug that dancing toaster, hop in the Statue of Liberty’s crown and let’s take a walk down memory lane. When all is said and done, you’ll be rather surprised to learn of the roller coaster-ride of the life of the man who played the painting who tried to steal the baby to come back and kill the men who captured ghosts for a high fee.
“Suck in the guts guys, we’re on some dumb blog.”
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CLEAN SWEEP!
“Mop up all that pink slime or we’re calling Immigration on you. NOW.”
Not one to be pushed around in the film, but during the filming of Ghostbusters II, the Vigmeister lost a bet on the Cleveland Browns and had to clean up after those sloppy Scoleri Brothers. No easy task- those paranormal fatties dropped Devil Dog crumbs EVERYWHERE. We’d all like to think perhaps the whole cast pitched in to help. Somewhere there has to be a photo of Rick Moranis accidentally dropping his glasses into the men’s room urinal while changing the cakes.
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“LET’S WRASSLE!”
Bust out them singlets!
In the 1950’s, he wrestled in the United States with his father under his birth name, Norbert Grupe.
Due to people incorrectly pronouncing his last name, “Groupie”, he changed his name to the much more roll-off-the-tongue, “Wilhelm von Homburg”. A few years later, he’d switch over to a different kind of ring, as boxing came calling his “impossible-to-pronounce-without-sounding-like-you’re-in-the-SS” name.
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PUT UP YOUR DUKES!
“I’ll knock out Annie Potts and steal her French-bread pizza any day of the week.”
From 1962 to 1970, Homburg found a career as a successful boxer, nicknamed “Prinz”, a grand stage-name chosen in order to create a sense of royalty surrounding him.
Unofficial nicknames given to the pugilist were “The Boxing Beatle” thanks to his moppy mane, and the slightly less popular, “The German Answer to Muhammad Ali” thanks to the obvious resemblance.
He ended his career with a record of 29 wins, 11 losses, and 6 draws. But to be fair, half of those victories came against Slimer.
In 2002, a documentary about Homburg’s life, entitled The Boxing Prince, was released. This was later renamed to The Artist Formerly Known as the Boxing Prince… then eventually just a symbol.
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JUST YOUR AVERAGE AWKWARD GERMAN TV INTERVIEW
The day after a lost boxing match against rival Oscar Bonavena in 1969, Homburg appeared for a television interview on a German talk show. He sat silent and smirking for the entire 10 minutes as the interviewer tossed snarky comments about Homburg’s boxing loss and his flashy lifestyle his way.
It still had twice as many viewers as any episode of Joey though.
To be fair, he’s still the second-most popular “Matt” from friends though.
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YEE-HAW!
Vigo’s years in the Bloods were spent constantly throwing the wrong hand symbol.
Despite his most prominent role as the adversary in Ghostbusters II, Homburg also had a minor acting career, appearing in hit movies starring Carl Winslow, such as Die Hard, and non-hit movies without Carl Winslow, such as Diggstown, and John Carpenter’s 1994 horror film, In the Mouth of Madness.
“Go ahead, call me Cee-Lo Green ONE MORE TIME.”
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VIGO’S ACTION FIGURE? TERRIFYING.
“Nice mullet.”- Skeletor
To properly showcase Vigo’s mighty shoulder pads, a Janet Jackson “Rhythm Nation” doll was just painted over to achieve the look.
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VIGO’S “TO CATCH A PREDATOR-ISH” VOICE? DUBBED.
“Dan Aykroyd said I couldn’t borrow his hair straightener.”
Bill Murray first dipped his gut-busting toe into the world of more dramatic roles in Wes Anderson’s 1998 charming classic, Rushmore. Just five short years later, his brilliant performance as Bob Harris, an aging actor trying to find himself in Tokyo in 2003’s Lost in Translation made him a frontrunner for the first Academy Award of his career.
One textbook self-righteous Sean Penn acceptance speech later, and Murray’s trophy night never came to be.
Fret not specter-catching fans– While we can’t say Ghostbusters II included an Oscar-winning actor, at least we can say Bill Murray has good company with another Academy Award nominee in the film.
Max von Sydow, a Swedish actor, best known for playing Father Lankester Merrin in the horror landmark, The Exorcist, and appeared in Hannah and Her Sisters, The Diary of Anne Frank, and most recently, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, provided the few voiced lines of Vigo the Carpathian in the film.
“For relaxing times, make it Vigo time.”
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VIGO THE CONVICT
It wasn’t all fun times in the ring and bro-down pow-wows with Dan Aykroyd for Homburg though.
The persistent paparazzi hounded him, following the actor’s descent into the darker corners of his life. Homburg’s life became filled with drugs, drug dealing, pimping and extortion, even spending a chunk of time 1%’ing it up with a Hell’s Angels chapter.
After many run-ins with Johnny Law, he spent five years in jail for charges on the previously mentioned bevy of charges. Which was a major pleabargin from his initial sentence of being sprayed endlessly with gooey pink slime.
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ADIOS ‘OL VIGY…
Unfortunately, after a troubled and turbulent life, Homburg passed away almost a decade ago, to the day, on March 10, 2004 from complications from cancer. And with him, we said raise our proton packs, give an ‘ol 21 “not crossing the streams” salute and say goodbye to the second-greatest Ghostbusters villain to grace the silver screen.
Wait, let’s make sure of this…
1. Stay Puft Marshmallow Man
2. Vigo
3. Walter Peck
4. Zuul
5. the old lady ghost in the library
6. Jack Hardemeyer, the mayor’s assistant
7. Female Gozar (who actually should count as Stay Puft as well…)
A Blumes With a View 