By Andrew Blumetti
Talk about getting the most bang for your buck. They really do pack a lot into a little month, don’t they?
In a mere twenty eight days, we’re graced with a bountiful bevy of winter celebration– Valentine’s Day, Groundhog Day, President’s Day, Mardi Gras, Black History Month, Spring Training, and the most important of ‘em all (after Spring Training of course), there’s the great American holiday of Super Bowl Sunday, the biggest party since New Year’s Eve, only one month ago.
While granted, February’s short run is not as eventful as the unseen four weeks during 28 Days Later, but it makes me happy to celebrate my birthday during what would normally end up being a freezing, snowy, boring month with a girly-colored wuss birthstone.
Living in the greater New York area, especially within earshot of Giants Stadium (or MetLife Snoopy Stadium, or whatever it’s called now), the excitement, traffic, and overall buzz has been ramped up to a Spinal Tap-worthy 11 as the Denver Broncos go mono-a-mono with the Seattle Seahawks for all the gusto and glamor of gridiron glory. It’s truly rocky vs. rainy in the Legal Marijuana Bowl.
Blumes note: This offer still stands! Now half price!
But frankly, it’s Friday, January 31st, this is all old hat by now.
At this point, you’ve been endlessly bombarded with Super Bowl ads, magazine covers, news reports, cocky fans, and nonstop party planning for weeks now. When Monday morning comes, and you’re more chili than man, you’ll undoubtedly know the Super Bowl had come and left its mark.
But that’s not who this article is for.
Maybe you’re not a fan of hawks or horses, perhaps Richard Sherman’s post-game interview rubbed you the wrong way, or heck, or maybe you’re one of those people seriously considering a 7th Heaven marathon instead of football this weekend.
Of course that doesn’t mean you won’t find yourself enjoying the festivities of Super Bowl Sunday. Dr. Oz-unfriendly food, offensively expensive commercials (that always feature a baby doing something un-babyish), the sickeningly adorable Puppy Bowl, and trying to get your greased-up fingers to press the remote buttons to change the channel as Bruno Mars performs at halftime- this Sunday is a bombastic event that will please folks of all tastes. …as evident by this walk down memory lane of some truly classic and heavily unorthodox Super Bowl games of yore.
1. SUPER BOWL XXXII: BATMAN VS. STORMTROOPERS
As John Madden once called it in a most clever anagram, “Capes vs. Space”, this battle royale pitted The Dark Knight vs. the Imperial Army for 60 minutes of a nerdtastic pigskin extravaganza. After a first quarter that was heavy on the Big D, Commissioner Gordon’s 45 yard rush into the endzone to close out the first half put Team Gotham up on top.
The second half was a superhero explosion of history-making offense as holy touchdowns Batman!— the Caped Crusader aired it out to the Boy Wonder (who took a time out from cheerleading) in the Gotham endzone.
But, when the going gets tough, the tough get going, as the Stormtroopers, with their armored backs against the wall, bounced back to tie the game as the 2-minute warning approached. Coach Vader flipped a crap when an ill-timed interception by Alfred the Butler spelled death for the Star Wars crew with the Bats taking home the trophy to Gotham City with a score of 28-21.
2. SUPER BOWL XI: KISS BOWL (AKA THE TOILET BOWL)
And you thought the Jaguars were bad…
Nothing screams out “gridiron glory” like mime makeup and gaudy platform shoes on men, but that’s why the KISS bowl was so unique.
Walking embarrassment Gene Simmons bit his long cow tongue as he slipped on his own fake blood on no less than three occasions, turning the usually triumphant game into a fumble-filled lowlight reel. Pain in the ace, Mr. Frehley, shanked four field goal attempts, and starchild, Paul Stanley? Well, he might as well have been the MVP… for the other team.
As far as scoring went, it was Detroit Block City. The spandexed makeuped-ones never did touch the endzone, as KISS went down in defeat to good taste 49-0.
The best worst part was that they weren’t even asked to play the halftime show. That honor went to The Doobie Brothers.
The epilogue to this heavy metal tale of the 100 yards: KISS never did get back to the Super Bowl, but on the plus side, KISS never did get back to the Super Bowl.
3. SUPER BOWL XLV: ZOMBIE BOWL
It may have been only three years ago, but who could forget when the undead took down scalpers stadium-wide and invaded the turf during the timeless showdown of the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers?
Turning Aaron Rodgers into an Aaron Rodgers kabob? Transforming Clay Matthews into an undead Thor? Sending “Big Ben” Roethlisberger to the sideline to finally get some brains?
It all happened. I guess.
While the gameplay may have been painfully lumbering and a bit lethargic at times, it was no worse than any given Cleveland Browns game on a random Sunday.
But if Broadway has taught us anything, (and I guess it has…) — the show must go on, flesh eaters or not.
Time will tell us that the zombies vs. zombies Super Bowl was a tad gory, maybe too confusing at times, and it may have taken five days to finish, but in the end, it was much less traumatizing than the Black Eyed Peas halftime show.
One would be safe to assume the zombie apocalypse and certain doomsday would put a damper on the game’s festivities, with all the undead cannibalism and spilled guts, but the TV ratings reached an all-time high. The NFC z-team ended up hoisting the Vince Lombardi Trophy, rotting limbs and all, bringing it back to frigid Green Bay where decaying slows down like Kirstie Alley’s metabolism.
The trophy had to be immediately sent out to be cleaned and shined due to the high volume of blood on it …on a weekly basis.
(On a positive note, in the zombie onslaught, Steelers safety Troy Polamalu was attacked, but escaped by a “hair”.)
Parking was tighter than George Costanza’s wallet…
…but the tailgating was awesome!
4. SUPER BOWL XLII: THE RETURN OF BUD BOWL
For those too young to remember, the Bud Bowl was an early 90’s stop-motion beer bottle football tour de force that found its home during commercial breaks, squeezed in between multi-million dollar ads for Crystal Pepsi and The Bodyguard soundtrack. It was a kick-glass all-out brawl between Budweiser and Bud Light. Even as a long retired campaign, for me, that fateful Sunday in 2008 always be the year that the suds saved football.
Phoenix, AZ– When a thunderous monsoon that would’ve knocked over human brick wall, Howie Long, hit, it kept planes grounded and prevented both the Pats and G-Men from making their way into warm, sunny Arizona, the NFL pooped their britches, panicked and pooped them some more.
Sadly, cancelling the big game seemed like the only choice left, seeing as how there was no way to get the unfortunate stranded teams into the balmy city in time. Luckily, the answer was only a bar away…
Long dead since 1997, a time when candy-lovin’ alternarock trio Marcy Playground was brimming with untapped potential, the beer bottles were called off the bench as Bud Bowl sat in as the substitute teacher for the real teams. It was truly like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but for drunks.
The bottles tossed on the teams’ uniforms, and no one in the massive Arizona crowd was the wiser. Nearly sixty minutes of play time and we all know what happened next- Ale-I Manning to Beer David Tyree (what a good pick in the draft), the miraculous helmet catch, and a near-perfect season for New England ended in an 18-1 conclusion, as the bottled Big Blue were swimming in confetti in the Big Apple soon after.
Understandably, in Massachusetts, spirits were wicked low, and where did they go? To a bar of course. NORM!
5. SUPER BOWL XLIV: GAME MVP- ABE LINCOLN
Four Scores! … and seven years ago.
For a few brief hours, the “L” in NFL stood for Lincoln.
We all know Abraham Lincoln was a president, emancipator, and a vampire hunter, but do you remember Abe’s big-time appearance in the Super Bowl?
The bearded one was called in to play when Peyton Manning had to leave the game early to film an impromptu Kraft Macaroni and Cheese commercial. He ran out, flying past the cheerleaders, zooming by the mascots, with the glisten of anger in his eyes, sweat on his brow, and a chin beard so mighty, the heavens above stopped to gaze in majestic awe.
The stovetop hat was thrown down, the shoulder pads were thrust on, and that pigskin flew like you wouldn’t believe. It was going perfect, until… clumsy ox Drew Brees went down with a pulled hamstring on the slippery turf. And being the helpful chap he is, ‘ol Honest Abe took the reigns and stood in for him as well, changing uniforms as the Colts defensive squad ran out.
As the clock struck zero, the Big Easy soon was celebrating with the sounds of jazz and firey-cajun food up the wazoo as Abe Lincoln received an early birthday gift- a declaration as Super Bowl MVP.
It was rumored plentiful posterior-ed socialite Kim Kardashian emancipated her relationship with then-Saints running back, Reggie Bush, that night to lock lips with the sixteenth prez.
And how did A-Linc become so good at football?
Just how you get to Carnegie Hall… Practice.
Note: Sadly, Lincoln’s pro-career was cut short the following pre-season when Ravens linebacker John Wilkes Booth broke Lincoln’s legs.
Enjoy your Super Bowl weekend! As usual, please Fed-Ex any uneaten chicken wings to me.
7 responses to “My Favorite Super Bowls (That May or May Not Have Happened)”
Haha. Perfect for a Friday!! I’d go to a super bowl with Chewy any day!!
Thanks! Haha, Chewy would’ve certainly made that boring Super Bowl much, much more entertaining.
I’ll need your address for the non-eaten chicken wings. Drunk Rudolph is beyond fantastic – now I know why his nose glows red! I can’t decide if I’d rather see the Kiss or Zombie superbowl more….oh the choices. Hilarious read as always!
Woo hoo! Thanks very much! I think we need to create a drunk Rudolph claymation special for the holidays this year. I’m already planning how to spend my millions, are you?
Oh yes. My millions are already spent, so I am so on board with the idea. There’s only 11 months until Christmas! EEK!
This post makes me happy. But also sad that I missed these games in all my years of not watching football.
Don’t worry, I hear next year, the Super Bowl is gonna be played by the California Raisins vs. The Fruit of the Loom mascots. It can still go waaayyy downhill.
Thanks for the comment, glad you enjoyed!